Redeemed and Radiant with Ashley Lutzelberger
Welcome to Redeemed and Radiant with Ashley, where open, honest, and vulnerable conversations about relationships take center stage. Grounded in biblical truths, we explore love, friendship, family, and faith through heartfelt stories and Christ-centered guidance. Whether you’re navigating challenges or celebrating victories, you’ll find wisdom and encouragement to build deeper, God-honoring connections.
Redeemed and Radiant with Ashley Lutzelberger
The Journey: Embracing Forgiveness and Personal Growth
What if the path to healing lies in vulnerability and self-forgiveness? Join me as I navigate the challenging and often painful terrain of trauma, exploring how significant dates and haunting memories continue to shape my mental health and holiday experiences. Through candid discussions on taboo subjects like pornography addiction, influenced by early sexualization, I shed light on the power of faith in God as a guiding force in my journey towards healing. Even amidst the struggle, a humorous encounter with an ex-boyfriend provides a momentary escape, reminding us of the importance of honesty in confronting personal struggles.
Moving towards the heart of redemption, I open up about the transformative power of forgiveness and reconciliation. By reconnecting with my cousin, a relationship as strong as sisterhood, and extending apologies to a former boss and others, I find a path forward. These heartfelt interactions highlight the necessity of forgiving myself for past mistakes and perceptions, underscoring a journey of discernment in relationships. The emphasis lies on becoming a more trusting and mindful individual, moving away from people-pleasing to genuinely loving others.
The episode wraps up with stories of faith and healing, offering a glimpse into the emotional journey of pet adoption and unexpected blessings. After losing my beloved cat Lando, the adoption of two new companions brings comfort and a deeper understanding of biblical narratives. Through these experiences, I draw strength from stories of faith and redemption, such as Zacchaeus and the woman healed by her faith, affirming that God is with us in uncertainty and guides us through life's difficult paths. Tune in for a heartfelt exploration of growth, spirituality, and the beauty of new beginnings.
Thank you for joining me on Redeemed and Radiant. Remember, no matter where you are in your journey, God’s love can redeem and restore every part of your life. Stay radiant, stay rooted in Him, and I’ll see you next time!
Follow me on:
Facebook @ Redeemed & Radiant Podcast
Instagram @ redeemed_and_radiant
Hey everyone and welcome to Redeemed and Radiant with Ashley. I know that this podcast is coming out a little later than normal this week. This is a very hard week for me, particularly Ironically, it is Saturday. Particularly, um, ironically, it is Saturday, um. I finally kind of come to a conclusion as to why this time of year is still very hard for me, even though there's obvious trauma that happened during this time of the year, and usually I record either Monday or Tuesday, and Tuesday I was actually very dissociated and very just depressed, but it took Tuesday for me to realize why I was still feeling this way. So let me kind of go back to what we had been talking about. I know I kind of caught us up to where we were at this year and what I had gone through. We're kind of going to go back a little bit and backtrack to the first podcast about when I talked about the sexual assault and sexual trauma that I went through.
Ashley:Unfortunately, december 8th is my birthday and my birthday was on Sunday, and unfortunately it has this like bittersweet moment because I share a birthday with the person who molested me when I was 12 years old and so, um them, they used to call me their quote unquote birthday twin, even though they had a twin. So there's just a lot of awkward trauma and feelings that all come with my birthday day, um, and then, six days after I had turned 18, was when I was raped, which, ironically, um would is lands on today, um, so normally right now. December has always been my favorite time of year because I'm a Christmas person. I love Christmas time. I love all of that. Um, I've, ironically, had a very hard time listening to any Christmas music this year. Um, like decorating, I love decorating, but my house still isn't fully decorated for Christmas and we're looking at, I think, today's, the oh goodness, I don't even know what today's date is Like the 12th or the 13th, no, the 14th. Today's the 14th Christmas. We are hosting it at my house like normal. Now I am fully decorated, our tree's not decorated, and that's still not normally me, so it's been a very interesting Christmas.
Ashley:However, um, keeping back on track with the things from before the sexual assault stuff that I talked about um, I am going to talk a little bit about some taboo stuff that most people don't talk about. Um, like I've already mentioned, that's stuff that we're going to talk about in this podcast is a lot of mental health stuff, a lot of things that are taboo, that most people don't like to talk about or think that we shouldn't be talking about, or it's not necessarily the norm in society, but it's just because no one talks about it. Being overly sexualized at such a young age because it started when I was about eight years old, and I know there's I'm sure there's other things that have happened that my brain just has not allowed me to unlock yet, which is something I'm working with my therapist on currently, because I have such a protective side of me that we've been discussing and talking about that is trying to protect me from something, and I don't know what that is quite yet. So, as I'm on that journey, I will share with you guys more information. But being overly sexualized and having things happen to you sexually at a young age caused me to have issues with pornography for a long time, and I never told anyone, because it's also very shameful to have those issues. It's also very shameful to have those issues and also being a female. You don't hear a lot of females having those issues with pornography. However, females do just as much as men. They just don't talk about it and in order for us to really be honest.
Ashley:Like I said, we need to be completely honest with ourselves and with others about, about what are we hiding, like why aren't we being fully honest with ourselves or why aren't we being fully honest with other people, like I know. There's a huge wall that we have to let down in order to be that vulnerable and that honest, and that's really hard. It still affected how I viewed myself for a long time, even to this day, how I viewed myself for a long time, even to this day, and which, again, also, I would treat others way better than I treated myself, just because I knew what it was like to be mistreated. But you have to. For me, god was the only way I was able to overcome those situations, with pornography, with the sexual stuff that I went through and, like I've mentioned before, if you don't believe in God, you've had a bad relationship with God. You don't know how to like. Everyone's different, and I'm not here to tell you what to do or what not to do when it comes to your relationship with God or whatever your relationship looks like. I'm just telling you, from my point of view, what helps me and if it's something that you want or want to talk about more. My inbox is always open. You can always message me about it. So I'd love to talk to you more about it.
Ashley:But, honestly, it wasn't even my friends, because I didn't even tell anyone, like I didn't tell anyone that I had these issues. I didn't tell anyone that being overly sexualized at such a young age made me feel a certain way about myself or a certain way about relationships or things like that. Ironically, this week I had gotten a message from an ex-boyfriend of mine that I had dated over 15 years ago for about a month when we dated, just to tell me that he thinks I look good and hope I'm doing good and I'm like this is the week that I struggle with with all of my trauma, um, and for me I was just like like I laugh it off. Of course, now I send a screenshot to my husband and we laugh about it just because it's like I just joke around and I'm like your wife still got it and we just like laugh about it.
Ashley:But for me this week was really hard and I had to kind of like make sure I was in a good mental place to be able to do my podcast this week. I didn't want to miss a week, because I want this to be an open, honest place where I talk about everything, um, where I feel like I still struggle with this week, particularly because I've forgiven these people, all the people who have either attempted to or who have sexually assaulted me or who have taken advantage of me. I have forgiven them and I am slowly forgiving myself. I have forgiven them and I am slowly forgiving myself. No-transcript, and that's what I did, and I think that's why I struggle so much, even if I, you know, put a happy face on and I act like everything's fine inside. I'm not, and I think because I have finally figured out why I'm feeling the way I'm feeling. It has made it easier for me to be like feeling the way I'm feeling, it has made it easier for me to be like okay. So I'm having a hard time right now. Why am I having a hard time? How am I feeling about myself? And really, it's that relationship with ourselves that we really need to work on, um, in order to have full healing, because you can forgive someone, but if you weren't forgiving yourself, you're not healing. Healing because you can forgive someone, but if you weren't forgiving yourself you're not healing.
Ashley:Um, I know we got up to the point where last episode where we kind of got up to my medical stuff and everything I had been going through and what started changing for me. So during all of that, as I'm having tremors and shaking, most people had no idea. Let me be completely blunt. Most people had no idea. Let me be completely blunt. I was embarrassed about what I was going through and I did not want people to see me that way because I didn't want people to see me as anything less than I thought Sorry. Then I thought that like they would see me as Sorry. Then I thought that like they would see me as it wasn't until actually fairly long down the road that I posted a video about how my shaking was and what I've been going through. And people were very surprised and, honestly, that was only days before I found out what was going on. And then, all of a sudden, I'm okay.
Ashley:But people didn't know that I was having seizure-like symptoms and tremors that were so bad that my body just ached in ways I never knew it could, that I couldn't walk as simple as going to the bathroom without holding on to something, that getting dressed was a chore that literally I had to rely on something or someone to help me, and I am a very independent person. And I am a very independent person. I'm a very stubborn person in certain things and I try not to have pride, but that boils down to pride. I like to have control of certain situations and in this specific situation I did not have any control and I had been praying for years that God would help me with that and he literally did by taking I am so sorry, I am so sorry guys, tuesday backtracking to Tuesday because I was so dissociated. It definitely throws off the rest of your body. When you get that dissociated you feel exhausted. So I'm still trying to like catch up and make sure that I'm sleeping and getting enough sleep. So I'm so sorry for yawning Um.
Ashley:Anyway, I had prayed and prayed and prayed for God to help me with my um control issues and he made it to the point where I had to literally rely on everyone because I couldn't do anything by myself. I was home most like 99% of the time by myself with my animals going through this, getting told it's just stress, it's just anxiety attack, it's just this, it's just that. And then to have all these tests ran and to finally have some doctors that genuinely ran tests and genuinely wanted to try to find out what was going on was a breath of fresh air, because I've literally dealt with things my whole life in the medical field, where I've always been pushed off. So if you are someone who has definitely been pushed off in the medical field, please, please, please, do not stop fighting for yourself, as much as you want to. There is a doctor that is out there that is wanting to help you. You just have to find them, and God lined up the right doctors for me and was, like I mentioned before, literally was just told I had ADD with autism, and the amount of like the older you get undiagnosed can cause severe medical grade depression, anxiety and stress, to the point where my body was shutting down, and to the point that I have migraines that show up as seizures, even though they aren't seizures, they're just migraines, and my body was in so much pain that I didn't even realize my head was hurting. So and I'm someone with really high pain tolerance.
Ashley:So, during all that, though, I I had shifted my focus on God. Um, when I was shaking, I would do devotionals, I'd be praying. I prayed nonstop. I knew I had a lot of people praying for me personally and I was actually praying for my husband. I was praying for my. You know, if I have to stay this way, so be it. My husband was changing in ways I have always prayed for him to change, where he would just pray for me, where he would just stop what he was doing just to pray for me, and that was something I've always wanted, but I never wanted to make him feel uncomfortable if he wasn't comfortable doing it.
Ashley:So once I got the diagnosis and I actually woke up the first day after being on my medication and I was not shaking and I was able to actually focus on a task for the first time in my entire life, through and through I cried for two hours and I called my mom, my grandma and my husband and I'm crying, and of course all of them were like oh my gosh, what my husband and I'm crying. And of course all of them were like oh my gosh, what's wrong. And I'm like I'm just so happy because it opened my eyes to see that, okay, here, I've always thought something was wrong with me, but in reality there's nothing really wrong with me. What it is is. I just didn't understand what was going on in my brain, and so now I can start to put these pieces together.
Ashley:So, when all these things were happening, when I started to think back like, oh, I did this because of this, or all the times I got mad at myself or was shamed for oversharing, or for talking about this or for talking about that, it was literally because of the way my brain works and oh, this person would get mad at me when all I was trying to do was help them and they took it in the wrong way, and so all these things that I start, that I have been holding over my head for decades I started telling myself, like I forgive you and I give you grace, it's not your fault. And that freedom I started to feel was unbelievable. And for the first time in my entire life of ever following God because I've never loved myself, I've never had that kind of relationship with myself I felt the love of God fully. And it was amazing. And I'm not saying that I am perfect, I am not saying that I am doing everything like I don't have bad days. I'm not saying that I still don't think of myself in bad ways, I'm still a human and I'm still a work in progress, but for me it was. It was a healing thing for me. After I started to forgive myself, god started putting people's names on my heart that I needed to go ask for forgiveness.
Ashley:Um, my first Sunday back to church, um, I went up to my cousin and I apologized. She is like my sister. We both were both only child for an only child for a long time, so, like before we even had siblings, we were siblings to each other. We spent almost every day or every week with each other. We lived super close to each other. So it was like she was like my little sister and we have had ups and downs in our relationship and I realized when I was forgiving myself that I never would stop to think about how the other person might be thinking or handling or what their process of the situation might be.
Ashley:And in our case, I would always just think, oh, she's always in the wrong and get mad at her. All I'm trying to do is help her. And then I would also react in a very inappropriate way where I would either yell or scream or just like lose my mind, and I always thought that it was also due to my PCOS, which causes your hormones to be all over the place, which I'm sure it was a mixture of everything. But I went and I apologized to her and I said I just want to start fresh, like I am so sorry and I'm sorry that I just, you know, would just blame you because that's not fair to you, like it's not right, it's not fair. And she felt the same way.
Ashley:We ended up talking for like an hour and a half that we both wanted to have this conversation with each other for two years, but neither of us were ready to have the conversation and it went so well. Our husbands were there and we are on this new journey to healing and with that, you know, I've you know I've told her like we both have trauma from each other. It's going to take time. I said the difference is is that each other is going to take time. I said the difference is is that when you've had issues with someone or you are, you've had trauma with someone and they want to still be in your life, but they don't want to take the accountability of of being a person who's caused some of that trauma. It makes it really hard to fully move forward with that person. The difference here is we both are taking accountability of the things that we've done and we want to move forward. So, even though there's trauma and it's still going to take time, we're willing to move forward.
Ashley:Apologized to my old boss, who I was really close with, and if I'm repeating a lot of myself from the week before, I'm sorry. I'm just going today and I feel like I just need to say these things again, because I had a class at church on Tuesday that was talking a lot about forgiveness and how important it is and how important it is to go to your, your brother, your sister, that you have something wrong with. It says in the Bible to go to your brother, your sister that you have a quarrel with and apologize to them before you go to the Lord, because the Lord doesn't want your, your offering. If you aren't on the right page with someone, however, that is only if it's going to be beneficial for you and it's not going to harm you or the other person. Um, but went to my boss. Um, I didn't want to work, but I called her and talked to her and we talked for almost an hour and I hadn't talked to her in over a year, caught her up on what was going on with me and then we both apologized and you know I had asked if she could reach out to two girls that I felt like I also needed to apologize to, and she said she would. But I didn't want to put her in the middle of anything, because those are two other people that God had put on my heart to apologize to and I don't have any means of reaching out to them. So I haven't heard anything, but I know that I've done what God's asked me to do and I've told him, like, if I don't hear anything, that's, you know, I may not even hear anything for a while, but that's okay, I'm okay with that, it is what it is With.
Ashley:That being said, I'm on a daily journey of forgiving myself. Forgiving myself this week has proven that I have not forgiven myself for feeling like I've caused the trauma. The sexual trauma has been in my life, but I am at fault for allowing myself to view myself the way I did, to view myself with low self-esteem, with low value, with all of these things. I could have not done that, but I did. And so there's things where I'm like trying to work through and I'm trying to forgive myself on those aspects, because that's where I think the trauma still lies is within me, and I have a hard time letting that go. I don't wish ill will on any of those people, but I do still blame myself.
Ashley:During all this, I have I've changed so much and I I have felt the need to tell people, or like to prove to people, that I'm not the same person that I was before, before the end of September, or even just the beginning of September. I was, you know, making poor choices on who to confide in with things. My discernment was off. I always give people the benefit of the doubt of who I can trust and always give them so many chances. And that's just who I am. And I feel like I can trust anyone and everyone, and I know that's not true.
Ashley:And so, since all of this has happened, I have definitely been more discernment, like my discernment has been more heightened. I've been able to really kind of sit there and go okay, like is this something that I should say or is it something I shouldn't say? Is this the person I can trust? Is this someone I can't trust? And it's also not like it's someone that I can or cannot trust. It's more of the fact of is this person that I'm going to talk to going to take what I'm going to say the way I mean it, or are they going to take it the way they think I mean it?
Ashley:And so I've been feeling like I've had to prove myself to people and I've come to the conclusion that I don't have to prove myself to people, even though I'm still struggling with that, because, speaking with my pastors and telling them, I wanted to prove to them that I've changed and they're like we've already seen that you're changed Like you don't need to prove just anything, because I felt so disappointed in myself that I let them down, that I let God down, that stepping down from children's ministry the way I did and, like you know, it wasn't like I planned on getting sick or anything, but I felt like I didn't step down the way I wanted to and I felt like I broke their trust or their respect and I was horrified in the fact that they were not going to want me back on staff or as a leader, because I know God has just been really telling me that I need to focus on the church and my church family and, you know outside the church ministry and stuff like that. And so when we met with our pastors and you know, I told them about how I felt, like I had to prove myself. They're like no, like you and your husband know. I told them about how I felt, how to prove myself. They're like, no, like you and your husband know exactly what you went through and God does what you went through. You don't need to um prove yourself to anyone. And I was like okay, and so hearing that was very reassuring.
Ashley:I had a really good conversation with one of my friends who is also a pastor and she was also saying there's a difference between loving people and people pleasing. As a child, um, growing up, that I always people please, but now I'm looking at it as I don't want to people please, I just want to love people. And so what helped me, what's helping me the most, has been really doing devotionals, and that can look like whatever you need that to look like. That can look like reading books that help you understand, maybe, what you're particularly going through in life, if you're going through a divorce, if you're going through friend relationship issues. It can look like anything like that. For me, it was looking at how to have a relationship with myself and with God and how to better that, and if you're having issues with your spouse, you can find ones to help you have better communication or how to have a better relationship with your spouse or things along those lines. Um, but what was? What's more important to me now is to do what?
Ashley:Since I have come clean about everything you know and forgiven, started forgiving myself and really just leaning into him and learning all these answers and stuff, which getting answers is a huge key if you are someone who deals with any kind of illness at all and not getting answers and feeling pushed off is very discouraging. And for you out there who are listening, who have dealt with that or still are dealing with that, I understand the disappointment, the discouragement. I've gone through it my whole life. This has been the first time in my life where I've gotten answers by doctors who genuinely care, and I just turned 34. So, like I understand completely how you feel, just know that there are doctors out there who genuinely want to help you and genuinely want to help you figure out what's going on. It's just the process and the matter of finding the right doctors for you and for me, like having the answers was helpful, but for me it was having the support of my husband, watching my husband grow in God, watching myself grow in God and having God speak to me more than I've ever had him speak to me before, and taking the time out of my day to read the Bible, to do devotionals.
Ashley:And I got a little obsessive with buying a bunch of devotionals because I'm like, oh, that sounds really good. A little obsessive buying a bunch of devotionals because I'm like, oh, that sounds really good. And I know like I'm not a reader but like I really have found it enjoyment in devotionals and note taking and I'm a note taker and so if you like reading, you know, maybe just finding some books for you that might help you in those situations. They don't necessarily have to be devotionals, they can be books, books. I'm not trying to tell you what to specifically read, um, I'm just telling you what's helped me. Um, I've had some really really good devotionals. Help me with mental health. It helped me with um, with just growth in general and learning how to love yourself and whatever new journey and aspects that you're on. I'm going to go ahead and list those on my Instagram page and my Facebook page for those of you who'd like to see what books and devotionals I have been reading, what books and devotionals I have been reading, because I think I have a video somewhere where I did talk about them.
Ashley:But I think it's very helpful and very beneficial. And I also think, too, that finding someone that you can trust to do something with, like a devotional or a study of what you're going through Like if you have a friend that's going through something similar, like you guys could do it together, so then you're not feeling like you're on a journey by yourself. Um, because now I'm, I have two Bible studies that I have going separately with two of my great girlfriends, and it's so beneficial, it's so helpful and it's just so nice to just have that fellowship where I'm like we're both going through the same thing. So we're going to be going through this together and we can help be there with each other and we can support each other and we can understand each other better, and then we can hear each other's like this is what you think, this is what I think and like hear other people's sides and how they think about things. It's really beneficial. God had told me specifically that, so, ironically, I'm just going to.
Ashley:Ironically, I go to Hobby Lobby. I am a Hobby Lobby girl, I am a hobby girl in general, but I went to Hobby Lobby and all of their signs were 50% off, which I've never been there when they have their signs 50% off. And I am in the process of redoing my house and I know this sounds a little off topic, but I promise this is all leading to the same road. But I just need a little context first. Um, my husband and I had talked about like simplifying a lot of our stuff in the house and I was like, okay, so I took all of our wall art down and we were in the process of like figuring out what we wanted to do. And we go into Hobby Lobby and I'm seeing all of these signs that have scriptures and sayings of things that we literally have been praying for during this season in our life, and God was just like telling me you need to put these in your home as a reminder so you don't go back, so you don't get comfortable because your prayers have been answered. And so I bought a ton of wall art that are all scriptures throughout the house.
Ashley:My cat is being very obnoxious. I'm very sorry you can hear any rustling. She will not stop trying to get it right where the mic is. But we put them all throughout the house and I told my husband. I said I don't want us to forget where we've come from, like where we were to where we are now. I don't want us to forget where we've come from, like where we were to where we are now. I don't want us to get comfortable, I don't want us to get complacent, I don't want us to have any of those things. So he was like I like that. He liked all the things I bought.
Ashley:We started putting them up and then God was like your car also needs to have things on it besides your church logo that represent me. I'm like all right, god. So I'm not normally a sticker person for my car, but my car is full, has a bunch of stickers now that say like I'm on an adventure with Jesus, because seriously, every day is an adventure. I never know what we're going to be doing. I have another one that just says just a girl who loves Jesus. My license plate cover says the same thing. I have a couple scriptures, one on each side of my license plate, and then some Jesus loves you stickers and stuff, and it's for me, but it's for other people too. It's a reminder for me because I used to struggle with road rage and now I don't. Ever since I did that, I've not struggled with road rage. I used to struggle with cussing and now I don't.
Ashley:God also had told me that there should be something on my person at all times that reflects him. That can be a conversation starter. For me, that started out with wearing the old school WWJD bracelets that we got back in the 90s Because, like, those are a thing again or like hats that had like sayings on it, or shirts, and it's just kind of progressed. You know, I just basically ended up getting a bunch of different things and it's progressed fairly quickly. Um, but for me, it's brought people into my life randomly at the store that I can talk to, and God's opened up opportunities for me to share my story with them and for me to just not be afraid to share, like, hey, it's okay, you're struggling with mental health, but you need to talk to someone. Or hey, I understand the physical, like health issues. I've been there, it's okay, you know, and and it's just been so amazing I've been able to pray for people in stores with their permission.
Ashley:Um, I've been able to just boldly step out in faith and just know that, like God's got me, I've been listening to nothing but Christian music and, again, this is what has helped me. If this is not something that you want to do, I understand, but this is something that's helped me. And if, if you don't understand these things, I get it. And if it's not something that you want to specifically do, I completely understand as well. But for me, this is what helped me, and I have been listening to nothing but Christian music. Now, let me tell you there is some amazing Christian music out there that is not just like old hymns. Okay, so your girl's got some really good Spotify playlist that she's made, spotify playlist that she's made and, um, I am the kind of person that normally listens to Christmas music starting in the middle of the summertime, and I've had such a hard time this year listening to Christmas music. All I want to listen to is the Christian music I've been listening to, and I don't understand why, but I've. I've been.
Ashley:I read something somewhere where it said God will switch your focus to things that you used to love or you used to enjoy when he is growing you and changing you and shaping you into the person you're meant to be and will take the people out of your lives that aren't supposed to be there, put new people in and give you the ability and capability to do the things that you've always wanted to but never thought were possible. And I think that for me, like when I decorated our church for Christmas, my mentality was it needs to be focused about Jesus, because that is why we celebrate Christmas, and if you don't believe that, that's totally fine. I completely understand. But I celebrate Christmas because that is when Jesus was born. He is my Lord and savior and he is the greatest gift of all, and so everything is about him that I decorated with. You know it's very simple, very, um, very in, not intimate, but very like Christ-centered.
Ashley:And I still, for some reason, can't seem to get past that. It's Christmas time and I don't listen. I'm not listening to Christmas music, I'm not watching Christmas movies, like I just it's not my norm and God's just changing me and he's reshaping me, and I'm not trying to say that I'm better than anyone else, I'm not trying to say that I'm perfect. I'm still learning this new person. I am learning this new person I am. I am still learning. Sorry, I'm going to just see my mic real quick. There we go. I'm still learning to be this new woman of God that he has called, and I don't always know what that means or what that is. I excuse me.
Ashley:I have some scriptures that really helped me. I'm going to just kind of list off the scriptures that really helped me and then I'm going to also post of list off the scriptures that really helped me and then I'm going to also post those on my Facebook and my Instagram. I'm also going to share some of my Spotify playlists that I really enjoyed, that I created. That helped me and my husband through a lot of the stuff. One of the things that he would do when I was struggling was he would send. He listens to K-Love and he would send me a song that just resonated with him, that he felt like he should send to me, and so that was just also something more like very meaningful for me, um was that he was thinking of me and trying to help me.
Ashley:But Jeremiah 29, 11 is for I know the plans for I know the plans that I have for you, says the Lord plans to prosper and not to perish. Will you stop? You are distracting me, I'm sorry, my cat is being obnoxious but plans to prosper and for a future. And Jeremiah 29, 11 is one of my favorite scriptures because it helps remind me that, even when I'm going through crappy times and hard times, that God is not sitting there saying I want you to fail. This is a test for you to fail, because he doesn't. He already has a plan for my future. He already has a plan for what he wants me to do, and it's not to fail, it's to prosper and to be and to flourish and to be amazed. You know, have amazing things happen um jeremiah 33, 3. Jeremiah 30, 17. John 8, 32. Hebrews 13, 5, 5. Luke 17, 6. Matthew 17, 20. 2nd Kings 25, ecclesiastes 11, 4. Romans 8, 28. Romans 2.29,. Lamentations 3.25, 1 John 4.16, philippians 4.13, and Ecclesiastes 4.14.
Ashley:A lot of these are just small little snippets of different stories and stuff that God, you know, says amazing things or someone says something amazing. My biggest thing is I got the word faith on my foot during all of this and like I got a tattoo of the word faith on my foot because I walked by faith and not by sight, because this whole time I had to walk by faith and not by sight. And, ironically, I got it done right before everything happened, um, physically to me, which it wasn't. It's not ironic. God knows things. God knows what's going to happen. Um, but when all this stuff had happened, I lost my Lando, and I know I've spoken about that before. Lando was my kitty that I got beginning of the year His birthday. He would have turned one on the 25th of this month. He was a Christmas baby. When he died I was in the shower crying and I was like God, why would you take my baby? Why would you take my baby? I needed him. He's my emotional support, ample, like why would you take him?
Ashley:And there's a story in the Bible where God spits in, where Jesus spits in the sand and makes mud, and he goes to this blind man, and this blind man has been blind his whole life and his disciples go Jesus. What did him or his family do for him to be born blind? And Jesus said nothing but to be a miracle. So he spits in the mud. He puts the mud on the man's eyes, tells the man to go to the Jordan River and rinse his eyes. I believe it was 10 times. I could be wrong, but he tells him a specific number of times to wash his eyes and as he's doing it, he starts to get his sight and hands obscene.
Ashley:And while I was crying and praying in the shower the day after Lando passed, I felt the need. I've been praying for God to give me back my dreams and visions that I used to have as a kid and I used to have before I was a teenager, before a lot of this stuff really started happening to me. And, um, I started rinsing my eyes like you would have told the blind man, and all of a sudden, I start getting visions of this tortie cat which, um, if you don't know what a torticatt is, it basically looks like a black cat and an orange cat mixed together. Um, they are 99% female cats, um, and I already have a female cat, so I could not get a female cat. Uh, god knows that that she would not have gotten along with a female, but he had told me I already have your next baby planned and set aside for you. We'll have characteristics that you loved about Lando, but they'll be their own person, like their own like, have their own personality.
Ashley:Um, ended up going to Target that night with my husband and there was a tortie cat on a poster for Target's new like animal lines they had. I was like that's weird, that's the exact cat that I saw in my vision. How weird. And so went to church on Sunday, left after went to first service, left, went over to our outlet out here, went into a I might have also said all this the very beginning of my backstory, but we're recapping went back to a. I went back. Initially I was going there to go to old navy and across from old navy is a animal rescue adoption center and uh, was not planning mind you, this is not even 48 hours after my baby has passed was not planning on buying any animal, but I was praying when I was an old lady like Lord, if there's not a tortie cat, I am not going to buy any cat.
Ashley:Now, my dream cat has always been to have an orange cat and a black cat and I've had every kind of cat besides that. So I end up going in there and I'm just kind of looking and there's some cute kitties and I'm like, oh, they're so precious. And then I see this one cubby with a kitten in it. That's a tortie kitten and I was like no way. And I look and I'm like, oh, she's a, she's a female, but laying across her is this black cat. And he's a boy. And he's laying across her the same way Lando used to lay across my legs and I'm just like what are the odds? And then I look again and I see that next to the tortie cat is an orange cat and he is also male. And I send a picture to my husband and he calls me and he cries. He's like babe, get whatever you want. I'm like I can't pick. He's like, then get them both. And so I adopted both of them and they are both just like Lando in their own ways.
Ashley:Jar Jar Binks is our orange cat. Mind you, I adopted them at two and a half months. They are almost four months now and I think they're three and a half now. But Jar Jar Binks is our orange cat and he has the exact same markings that Lando had on him. He had very unique stripes and polka dots markings and that's exactly what he has as well. And then, um, lando also had like a heart on the back of his, where his shoulder blades were, where they would meet. And as Jar Jar is getting older, he has that as well.
Ashley:His temperament and personality is more of Millie, which is our cat that we've had. She's six, almost seven. She's the one that likes to be obnoxious when I do these because she just wants me to pet her and then she wants to rub on the microphone. Um, and then the black cat we named kylo ren, and his personality is lando, but like times 10, like he is, just like so rambunctious, but he is. He's starting to do a of things that Lando did and it's very emotional because sorry, it's very emotional because I don't. I never adopted them to replace Lando, but it has been easier to grieve Lando with them here. But the more that Kylo acts like Lando, it's like a blessing, but it's also hard because I don't want to feel like I replaced my baby. Sorry, talking about Lando will always make me cry. He was my soul baby. But anyway, god started giving me back my visions, just like he did with the blind man, and that was what this is all about.
Ashley:Um, but then, um, there was another, another story in the bible where there's this woman who has had a blood disease her whole life. She is shunned by normal community because of it and she hears that Jesus is coming and she just wants to talk to him and she goes. You know, if I can just touch the hem of his cloak, I'll be healed. And she had such strong faith. All she did was she fell and touched the tip of his garment as he walked past her and Jesus goes. Who touched me? And all of his disciples are like Lord. Do you not see that? There are like hundreds of people around you, I don't know? Everyone touched you and he was like no, someone touched me and has been healed Because I felt my power come out and she stood up and she said I'm so sorry he goes. Your faith is what healed you, what healed you. And that story has resonated with me during this whole thing because I have I had always accepted whatever it could have been. I told my husband it could be the worst, we could get the worst news, and I have absolute faith that God's got this and we didn't even get that bad of news, like it was really not even bad news, um, but I I knew that I had faith enough in God that, no matter what the outcome or the answer was going to be, that God was going to take care of me and my husband. And then there was um. And then there was another story, and the reason I bring this one up is actually my pastor talked about it and he actually related it to us that Sunday that he talked about it and I never thought about it this way.
Ashley:Everyone's heard about Zacchaeus and how he was a wee little man, and a wee little man was he who climbed up to the sycamore tree for the Lord. He wanted to see For as the Savior passed that way. He looked up in the tree and he said Zacchaeus, you come down from going to your house today. You have not grown up in church. You will not know that fun story song that we used to sing all the time and there was dance movements and everything.
Ashley:Zacchaeus was a tax collector and we already don't like paying taxes now. Imagine having to pay taxes back in biblical times, which was even back then, when the Romans were just really greedy and just wanted everything, and back then a lot of the tax collectors would collect more tax than needed because they would pocket it themselves. So people hated tax collectors. So Zacchaeus climbed up this tree and no one even cared about him. They were just like go away, jesus doesn't want to see you. Blah, blah, blah.
Ashley:So when Jesus looked up and saw that Zacchaeus had climbed a tall tree just so he could see Jesus. And then Jesus said I want to come to your house. Everyone in the crowd was like why would you go to Jesus? Why would you go to his house? He's a sinner. Like he is stealing all of our. Like he took all of our money. Like he's not a good person. And before Jesus even said anything, zacchaeus was like I'm going to give back everything I've ever taken from anyone and I'm going to fix my wrongs and I'm going to do better.
Ashley:Just tried to make his way through the crowd and like squeeze his way through, but he didn't. He chose to climb the tree. He chose to take a harder route that took more time, took more effort to do, but he was determined so much to see Jesus that he would do whatever he had to do to get to that point, that he would do whatever he had to do to get to that point. And he just had a and he just was pretty much praying and hoping that Jesus would like see him. And and that was the amazing thing about Jesus is that he didn't go to those people who had their stuff together. He didn't go to those people who were perfect. If that's what Jesus's job was when he was here on the earth, he would have stayed in the synagogues and never left, and in fact that's the exact opposite of what he did. And when he did go to the synagogues, they tried kicking him out because they didn't like that he was speaking truth and stuff that actually would make the Pharisees and the Sadducees and all of the leaders look bad because they were making up more things than they were supposed to be doing, like it was just a whole. It's a whole thing. I could go on and on and on and on about it. A whole, it's a whole thing. I could go on and on and on and on about it. But the point is is that Keyes didn't give up. He climbed that tree. Even when people doubted him and even when we weren't getting the answers we wanted at first, we still climbed that tree. We still climbed that tree to have that faith that God was going to look at us and be like I'm going to come to your house, I'm going to help you, and that's what he did. And you know he can do that for you, he can do that for your friend, he can do that for anyone for your friend, he can do that for anyone.
Ashley:And there are so many songs that I could sit here and tell you about. Let me tell you if you struggle with mental health, brandon Lake is an amazing artist who has a lot of songs about mental health, about breaking through. There's a song called Jesus Called my Name. I don't even know how to pronounce it. This person's like the artist's name, but I believe it's Zunte. It's Z-A-U-N-T-E-E, and at first I was not a fan of his voice. But the way that that song, the way it talked, was exactly what I've gone through within the last few like year and a half or so.
Ashley:And your mental health is just as important as your physical health, as your emotional health, and you have to find what's going to work for you, and it may not even be getting an answer from a doctor or going to a therapist. You might have to actually put the work in, because that's the thing too is you can't get better if you're not willing to put hard work into it as well. It was not easy for me to go to people and ask for forgiveness for things I did and especially things that I had done a long time ago, especially things that I thought that I was trying to be a helpful person and they took it the wrong way and instead I got basically cussed out at and basically my character completely destroyed in front of, because all I was trying to do was help and I'm the one going to apologize. Sometimes it's the hardest thing to go and be the bigger person, but sometimes, in order for you to start to have healing with yourself, you have to forgive yourself and then you have to offer up forgiveness to those who you have done wrong to, because bitterness and resentment and holding a grudge does not affect the person you're holding a grudge towards. It holds, it only hurts you, it only affects you.
Ashley:We have a lot of aspects when it comes to relationships. There's communication, trust, respect, honesty, boundaries, conflict resolutions. There's romantic affection, family relationships, um through all different types of, whether it's um internal, external or, you know, um in-laws things like that. There's consent. There's there's love, whether it's um compassionate or um compassionate or consummate. There's emotional feeling, emotional friendship, intimacy, sexual support, empathy, commitment, work, relationships, relationships, compromise, acquaintances, effort. There's a lot of different aspects of relationship. But the seven pillars of relationships are trust, respect, communication, quality time, acceptance, commitment and compromise. And those things happen with yourself, those things happen with if you have a relationship with God. Those things happen with your relationship with God and those things happen with your relationship with your spouse or significant other. Those things happen with your friendships, with your acquaintances, those things happen with, um, your family. It happens with every relationship you will have. Is those seven pillars and within those seven pillars are all the aspects of the relationship. It's when you are forgiving yourself that is having a resolution to conflict.
Ashley:Having a romantic relationship with yourself doesn't mean a sexual romantic relationship. It means more of like a I can take myself to the dinner or to dinner by myself and just have some quality time alone with me. And or it could be I want to do a face mask and a hair mask and sit in that bathtub and listen to my favorite podcast or some music or watch my favorite show. Selfcare is what your self-romantic side looks like. Taking care of yourself, having love for yourself, having a compassionate love for yourself, is so important.
Ashley:Intimacy does not also mean sexual as well. Intimacy means that there is a deep rooted relationship there, um, where you are just as open and vulnerable and you feel comfortable and confident and you feel like that is something that you can do with yourself or with God or with any other person. Right now we're talking about ourselves. You need to give yourself support, you need to give yourself intimacy, you need to give yourself some commitments to work on, but you also have to be willing to compromise. I'm the kind of person that wants to get things done all the time and wants to do a thousand things at once, and I know I can't, so I have to figure out compromises on what I can and can't do. But then, once I do that, I have to commit to it, and honesty, respect and trust and communication with yourself is so big. I'm going to do better.
Ashley:This week. I'm posting some stuff for you guys to kind of see on my Instagram and my Facebook page that kind of talks a little bit about these, along with the music, along with the books, along with the verses, um, and the stories we mentioned, um, that were in the Bible. Again, if you are not a Christian, it's okay. If you are not here about it for the relationship with God, that's okay. This is an all-inclusive thing. This is what's helped me, and the next segment that we're going to talk about is having a relationship with God and what that looks like, and if you choose to skip that segment, that's totally up to you, but I strongly recommend it, just because it may open your eyes to things that you did not know or you weren't aware of, on why people do have a relationship with God and how every person's relationship with God is different. So just know that you are in a safe place when you are here, you are loved, you are valued, and if you are valued and if you are struggling, please, please, please, please, reach out to someone. It doesn't matter who it is, as long as it's someone that you can trust. There are hotlines that you can always call. My inbox is always open. Please reach out to someone if you are struggling, um, because you have a plan and a purpose for your life and your life is not done. So thank you guys so much for joining me on this week's podcast, um, I hope you guys enjoyed it.
Ashley:We are going to be, like I said, going into relationships with God next, unless I want to kind of go in a little bit more deeper on the aspects of how we can have community. You know what. That's what we're going to do next week. Strike what I said before. Next week we are going to go deeper into the seven pillars of how we can use our seven pillars and the aspects of relationship to help ourselves personally and how we can do that. And then the following week we're going to go ahead and dive in on having a relationship with God. But until next week, I pray that you guys have an amazing rest of this week. It's Saturday, so enjoy your weekend and we will get back to our normal posting this week. Thank you guys for bearing with me on giving me some grace and time to get this to you. I hope you guys enjoyed it and I will be talking to you guys soon. Thanks for listening in.
