Redeemed and Radiant with Ashley Lutzelberger
Welcome to Redeemed and Radiant with Ashley, where open, honest, and vulnerable conversations about relationships take center stage. Grounded in biblical truths, we explore love, friendship, family, and faith through heartfelt stories and Christ-centered guidance. Whether you’re navigating challenges or celebrating victories, you’ll find wisdom and encouragement to build deeper, God-honoring connections.
Redeemed and Radiant with Ashley Lutzelberger
The Journey: From Body Shaming to Empowered Self-Love
Thank you for joining me on Redeemed and Radiant. Remember, no matter where you are in your journey, God’s love can redeem and restore every part of your life. Stay radiant, stay rooted in Him, and I’ll see you next time!
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Hey everyone and welcome to Redeemed and Radiant with Ashley. I'm sorry we did not do a post last week. I was sick as a dog and this one is coming a little later than normal because we had our cat spayed on Monday, yesterday. Due to all the emotions tied to having I know that a spay is very simple, but due to the emotions I have tied to having my animals put to sleep for surgery after Lando back in October, it was very triggering for me and it definitely was something that was like PTSD moment for me. So I was exhausted yesterday and I did have all the intention to record yesterday, but actually I'm kind of glad I didn't record yesterday because I kind of wanted to switch gears a little bit this week about what we're talking about. It's still going to be based on relationship. It's going to be a very vulnerable conversation about weight loss and relationships and just the journey that I've gone through throughout my life when it's come to weight and relationships and where I am today versus where I was um my whole life, basically Um was um my whole life, basically Um. So it's still going to be along the lines of relationships, along the lines of, you know, a relationship with yourselves, but also this is going to kind of bring in a little bit more of a relationship with others, um, and support systems and things along those lines. We will get back to the seven pillars next week, but I don't know, this was weighing on my heart the last week to kind of talk about this, and after yesterday I'll kind of explain a little bit more. But after yesterday I was really like surprised and shocked just to see like how far I've come, because I don't recognize myself. So, with that being said, that's kind of a little overview of what we're going to talk about today.
Speaker 1:I have always struggled with weight. I struggled with my weight since I was young. I always had like a little tiny pudgy tummy when I was a kid. It was nothing like big or anything. It didn't look like I was like an obese child, but my stomach did protrude out a little bit further than most, um, and it wasn't like I ate a lot of food. It wasn't like I was indulging a lot on things that weren't healthy for me when I was a kid. Um, you know, I grew up in like when I was an only child. I was an only child for seven years and when I was growing up, my mom worked and my dad was a painter, for, like, he did house painting and then he ended up going to school pharmacy, and so, um, for the most part my mom worked the most and then my dad did some stuff on the side while he went to school until he graduated, um, and when he graduated, my little brother my brother after me was a couple years old. I want to say what I graduated in like 98 or 99. In like 98 or 99. Um and um, like.
Speaker 1:We never really like we didn't eat out a lot. My parents always made food at home. It was a very special treat to eat out. The one thing that we would do is go dairy clean. My dad and my mom loved vanilla malts. They still do, um, but they don't indulge in them like they used to. Um, but Dairy Queen was like our treat. That was like our place to go for treats. Because back then that was, you know, growing up in the nineties man, like, everything was so much cheaper. We gotta love inflation and stuff like that. But anyway, I digress Um, we would never really go out often to eat or get fast food.
Speaker 1:Um, there was a situation where, uh, it sticks in my head. I went, I was with um and I was like eight years old and me and this girl both got the same, got the same McDonald's happy meal, same one. And their dad was driving and she looked at me and she's like why are you eating that? You're fat. And I'm eight years old and I'm like what? And their dad didn't say anything and I was like dude, what the heck? Like I've had body ashamed issues since I was little. Like I shouldn't have had that at such a young age. But I did, um, and I never understood. I played soccer and softball, played soccer for like 13 years and then I started when I was like five or like I was like in preschool when I started soccer and then I started softball when I was in junior high, played softball through high school.
Speaker 1:Um was a very athletic person, um, but I struggled with weight and when I was 12 years old I ended up having an emergency surgery, um, not understanding what that meant, not understanding what was going on. And it was my. My appendix was about to erupt and I had a cyst in my right ovary that had gotten stuck while it was supposed to like, it got stuck somehow. I don't know how it got stuck, but it got stuck to the point where my ovary started to fill up with blood and got too heavy and turned over on itself and was the circulation was cutting off and it was just filling up with blood. So it was like a very traumatic experience. So, the age of 12, I had my right to cysts. Um, and that was in two, like I had just turned 12. So that was the beginning of 2003. And I turned 12, it was in January and I had turned 12 in December and I had never had a period prior to that. So like being pumped full of hormones my whole life to try to keep the cysts under control.
Speaker 1:Then, to be told, at the age of 15, I was diagnosed with polycystic ovarian syndrome, which is PCOS, cystic ovarian syndrome, which is PCOS, and that just means that your body produces far more cysts than normal on your ovaries, which can lead to infertility issues, it can lead to weight problems, it can lead to excess hair, it can lead to hormonal issues. It can lead to a whole slew of things, and back then not very many OBGYNs or gynecologists knew a lot about it. It was a newer thing that you know. It had been around for a long time, but not to the extent where there was people who were actually practicing and working on it and stuff. So I had found the one gynecologist that my uncle had recommended that could help the most, kept me on birth control, put me on metformin to help with my weight. Metformin made me feel like crap. To help with my weight, metformin made me feel like crap.
Speaker 1:I started to develop eating disorders in junior high, partly due to stomach issues that I had when I would eat and I would go to my doctor. I know I'm kind of bouncing back and forth, but, um, when I was 12 years old, I would have um pains after I'd eat lunch and like the seats, like when I would lean over to write my notes at school, which is like press on my stomach. And then I was just like I don't know if it was because of like that and I was just like really like there'd be days where I'm just like my stomach really hurts and they don't want to go to school. And he was just like you just don't want to go to school, you're fine, you're fine, you're fine. Well, the problems continued. I ended up going to a specialist because my mom just finally asked him to send us to a specialist, found out I had horrible acid reflux, in that it caused two large ulcers in my esophagus at the age of 12. And they said it was very easy to be avoided. But my doctor didn't listen to me. So, um, when I was 15 and diagnosed with PCOS and then put on all these things, it really made me not feel good. Um, I also was put on very strict like food things for a while to get my ulcers to go down when I was 12. And a lot of these things compiled upon itself to cause eating disorders for me.
Speaker 1:Um, I was for some reason was always friends with the beautiful skinny girls and I was never skinny and it wasn't like I went out seeking them, it was just we just gravitated to each other. And there isn't. I am not shaming my friends at all. I love them all so much they, you know, my life wouldn't have been what my life was without them and I did have a sense of jealousy towards them to a certain extent, because they could go shopping and buy clothes in any store and they could go shopping and wear the junior's clothes and I could not.
Speaker 1:I remember being like the first time I went into the junior section and the clothes didn't fit me anymore and the shame I felt, the guilt I felt like it was just horrible and I was like refusing to want to wear anything in the women's department because back then women's clothes and the junior's clothes were clearly different, like there was nothing that was similar. And growing up, the low rise jeans were the thing, like the hip huggers were the thing, and I always had an overhanging stomach because of the hormones. My home I have like what's called a hormonal hormonal belly where you get the apron overhang, and that's just due to my hormone issues that I've had my whole life Um, and it wouldn't matter if I threw up, it wouldn't matter if I didn't eat. I hardly lost any weight and it was very frustrating and I would work out and work out Like there'd be times where I was obsessed with working out. I'd work out twice a day for one to one and a half hours a day or a session, just to like in cardio, just trying to lose weight, because I was like I was trying to, I was, I was.
Speaker 1:It was hard and my first job was working in a gym. My first job I worked at the YMCA and I worked there throughout high school and you know it made it really hard to work out at a place that I worked, because I'm like these people see me and I work out and I feel like I look like a retard. Sorry, I know that that word is not like appropriate to use anymore. Back in the nineties it was. I looked definitely ridiculous working out. Let me just rephrase that Sorry, I looked ridiculous when I worked out and I still feel like I do.
Speaker 1:I'm very, um, uncoordinated and klutzy and it just all the things. Um, and I, I hated it. I hated how I looked. Um, I always wore jeans and t-shirts and I was like I would try to dress preppy but preppy never really looked good on me because I felt like I just looked fat and didn't like the clothes are always tight, like I could never shop at Hollister or anthropology or um, american Eagle or um kind of think of the other places, um, amber, commie and Finch, like any of those was. I couldn't shop anywhere like that, anywhere like that. They never carried my size and so, um, every time I had a crush on a boy, it would always be like you have a pretty face, but you're fat. You have a pretty face but you're fat. Or I would have guys tell me you should lose some weight, like they were never telling my friends that, but they were telling me that, you know, and I was just like bro and I would have, like, grown adults tell me the same thing. I would have grown adults tell me I shouldn't be wearing what I'm wearing because of my body. I'm like okay. So like, what do you want me to wear? Like you know it was, it was shamed after shame after shamed after shame after shame of how I looked.
Speaker 1:And going back to what ended, like all the trauma I've gone through throughout my life, which there's more that keeps being brought up, but, um, we will get to that at a different point. Um, but it just really beat my self-esteem down. Like everyone thought I was confident because I just could portray that really easily. Um, it was my defense mechanism, because if I acted like what you said didn't affect me, then I am my head in winning and you're losing because you're just a jerk and here I am still living my life, whatever. And um, it was really, really hard, like really hard, and especially when you had all the relationships that you had, or I had all the relationships I had where I was being taken advantage of. I was just like never being told. I was pretty never really being like, looked at like someone desirable, you know, just an easy person they could just do whatever they wanted to with, if they wanted to do anything with me, feeling like I always had to settle for less.
Speaker 1:And, um, I, the relationship I had before my husband, was a very abusive one, mentally, emotionally and what am I. Physically there were some physical stuff, but like, not like where there were any marks or anything Like. He had a lot of anger issues and drank a lot, and so you put those things together and it's never a good mix. But he would constantly like hit on other women in front of me and he was a very narcissistic person who tried to manipulate me a lot. It was always my fault, even if he had started it or caused something. It was always my fault. Even if he had started it or caused something. It was always my fault.
Speaker 1:Um, if I didn't do what he wanted me to do, then I was nothing and it was just like this huge back and forth. We fought all the time and I thought that's all I was going to deserve. And finally, after six months, he had cheated on me with, at the time, one of my closest friends and that was like the biggest betrayal aspect for me and I was just like wow, because he had made me not become friends with her, like he pushed me away from her, saying she wasn't a good friend, and then to find out that he was cheating on me with her was like devastating. And again she was smaller than me. I thought she was beautiful, all things.
Speaker 1:So when that's all you're receiving, it's really hard to accept anything good, right? Well, when I met my husband, he was the first man to see me for who I was, to love me for who I was, no matter what size I was. He just loved me and he would compliment me all the time. He still does compliment me all the time he still does. And it's very hard to accept compliments because I very rarely refused or very rarely received compliments and I get compliments. I would get compliments when I was heavier on all the good things that I can do and everything that I'm good at, and never received compliments on how I looked.
Speaker 1:And so then again, it just reinforces the thought in my head that I don't look good. I'm only as good as what I can do and I've always been, you know, told to do, you know all these things throughout my whole life. So, like you know, when you're in church, you're serving. When you're doing this, you're doing that, you're giving it your all, you're doing. You know what I mean. Like that's just how I was raised and there is no problem with that, except when, all of a sudden, that's all you identify yourself as is.
Speaker 1:I am what I am or who I am because of what I do, and that's not the case. I'm also not who I am because of how I look, and that's something that I still struggle with. I struggle with both aspects, let me tell you, I struggle with both. You aren't who you are because of how you look, and you aren't who you are because of what you do. Okay, you are who you are because of who God made you to be, what your heart is, what you know, how you treat others, how you treat yourself, how you you know your morals and all those things, and I always felt like I had to fight for friendships or had to fight to become friends with people, because I never felt like I truly fit in anywhere.
Speaker 1:In high school I was kind of just like the social butterfly where I knew a lot of people in every circle but I had my group of friends and those were my true friends and that was it. You know like live life, but I never had people come up to me and say they wanted to be my friend. So as an adult I know I've mentioned this before, but it's very weird still as an adult having people wanting to be my friend and I've noticed that more as I've lost weight. But at the same time it was more when I had lost the first part of my weight loss journey I had weight loss surgery of March 13th, 2023. It's really easy to remember because 0, 3, 1, 3, 2, 3. So I'm a numbers person. Dates really sit in my head. I like sequences of numbers. But anyway, I chose to have weight loss surgery.
Speaker 1:I used to work in the weight loss industry and I would watch women and men get the sleeve done and be like I'm going to lose weight the easy way, and then they would lose weight but they wouldn't change their eating habits and then they would gain their weight back and they wouldn't be coming back to us and they'd be like, oh, I need to lose more weight or oh, no, I can't start gaining weight. And so I always looked at weight loss as the easy fix. And it wasn't until 2020, I hit my highest. I hit my highest weight of 305. And I was devastated when I hit the 300s, like I was devastated and it really affected me, and so I started to do some research uh, in 2022, after really thinking about it, for weight loss surgery, read that the bypass, um, the gastric bypass was, first of all, the only reversible weight loss surgery that there was where they're not like, where they're doing drastic weight loss surgery, but it can be re like, redone if there's any issues in the future.
Speaker 1:Um, it helps with acid reflux, which I've been struggling with since, obviously, I was in junior high been struggling with since obviously I was in junior high. Um, losing weight helps manage your PCOS, which I was obviously not losing weight, so it was really frustrating. So losing weight helps with PCOS, which then, for will also help with um managing my hormones. Um, managing my hormones, um, and PCOS will never go away, cause it's a syndrome, but it can be managed.
Speaker 1:Um, at this point, I had already come to terms. We had tried to have kids and just wasn't working for us. Like, we tried and we tried and we were not. We had already made the decision that we were not going to pay to have like in vitro or anything like that, just because you pay a lot of money for that and there's never a guarantee. So when I was like 29, I had come to the conclusion I did not want to get pregnant. My husband agreed, and so when we went forth with the weight loss surgery, I also had my left tube removed. So I am sterile and I cannot have kids. Um, they were not going to remove my ovary because they did not want me to have to go through early menopause. So I still have my ovaries, still deal with like cysts every once in a while, um, but since I've lost weight they haven't been as bad.
Speaker 1:I did hit a stall in my weight loss journey. Mind you, I have lost over 130 pounds Now. I have not weighed myself in a long time. I have still have a very negative relationship with the scale, but I hit a stall after about, I think, the year mark. I kind of hit a stall. I kind of just like maintained and that's when people were telling me they want to be my friend. They, you know like they were seeking me out to be friends and stuff, and and I was like, okay, and people were still complimenting me on the things I did and on how I looked. So then I started getting compliments on both and it was weird.
Speaker 1:But I've continued to lose weight because of my diagnosis with ADD, autism, ocd and DID, and being on Adderall for me right now is the best option for now and it's been helping because I have had the surgery, though I have to take a higher dose because my body absorbs things completely differently. I don't absorb all of the food I intake, so, like calorie intakes, vitamins, everything like that, I don't necessarily absorb it all. I absorb little bits here and there due to how the surgery went and what they do in the surgery is it bypasses majority of your intestines, um and um the your actual stomach is still in there. They just make your stomach smaller, so there's no actual acid in where my stomach is. The acid is still in my actual stomach and it meets up in my intestines and that's where it breaks the food down. That's why I don't necessarily absorb everything, um, so I've taken the highest dose for Adderall at the moment, just because that's what works best for my body. Um, but yeah, I'm sensitive to like antidepressants. I have to take a low dose, so it's just very odd to see like different things are different. Like Adderall is supposed to be upper. Sometimes for me I could take my biggest dose of an Adderall and want to go to sleep. But, with that being said, it's been a fun thing.
Speaker 1:I've always loved fashion. I went to fashion school at Pima. I wanted to be a fashion designer for the longest time for plus size women. Um, since I can remember, and my husband really like wanted me to pursue my dream and I started taking classes at Pima, realized, okay, well, I like drawing and designing the clothes, but I absolutely hate making clothes. So I took all the design aspect courses I could and I took all the history class, like the history of fashion classes I could because I also love history. And then I kind of lost interest because I just don't like to make the clothes.
Speaker 1:Um, and so, being someone who's always loved fashion but having issues wearing clothes, like I was wearing maternity jaygings because my stomach was so big and I didn't want to look like I was wearing leggings all the time, so maternity jeggings were the most comfortable thing for me and I wore them all the time. I got them from Walmart. I never shopped anywhere nice, anywhere nice was wearing t-shirts, was wearing, you know, like tunic, long tunic shirts and stuff like that, anything to hide my body. I'd wear like what's supposed to be a baggy size sweater, would be a normal sweater, like a more fitted sweater, and I'd wear like the wide boots and stuff. I would not want to shop at Torrid only because Torrid was so expensive and my size like I never, I don't know, I just always had issues. And then more recently, obviously within the last like seven, eight years, um, they've come out with far more bigger sizes in the stores and so I was able to find some dresses and stuff.
Speaker 1:I was probably 3-4x before surgery. I'm only 5'4", weighing 305 pounds, also not good. On your joints I was always in pain, and on your joints I was always in pain. Um, and now I can shop in the junior section and I haven't been able to do that since I was probably in junior high, if not like right before junior high, and it's a bittersweet thing for me because it's like I ache for my younger self, my younger self that wanted to be able to do all these things it wouldn't be able to wear these clothes that want to be able to have fun and and experiment with my fashion and could never. And when I had the surgery.
Speaker 1:So, before I had the surgery, I shaved my head, I cut all my hair off, buzzed it down to a two all over because I had tried a new brand of. This was during the COVID times. This was, I think this was in 2021 and right, yeah, it was in 2021. It was the end of the year of 2021, right before 2022.
Speaker 1:And I wanted to go back to doing my fun hair colors I was doing prior. I changed it for my cousin's wedding because I wanted to be, you know, let me have normal hair color for your wedding, because I don't want you to look back at your pictures and, like in my head, I'm thinking I don't want you to look back at your pictures and I have like bright teal hair, like I want to. You know, think of her pictures in the future. So go to a dark Brown and underneath it I do have bleached hair underneath because I was doing my fun funky colors and normally cream bleach works the best for me, but the brand that they had was one I had never used before, and so, instead of doing a strand test, I just did it and I didn't leave it on very long, went to wash it out and my hair started falling out, turned my hair to ramen noodles, which I was not actually like upset about, because a few years prior to that, my friend had shaved her head and said it was a huge like liberating feeling, even though she cried the whole time and I was thinking about doing it anyway, and my husband was like no, don't do it.
Speaker 1:My mom was like what if your head's not round? I'm like well, then that's your fault. You know kind of joking. Well, I go out and tell my husband I'm like so I'm going to have to buzz my head. And he was like no, and I was like, yes, and I need you to help me because I can't see the back of my head. So I shaved my hair. You know, lo and behold, I had a beautiful round head and I actually pulled off a shaved head pretty dang well.
Speaker 1:However, the grow out process was not the best. I loathed the grow out process because at one point I looked like a chia pet. My hair was just sticking up all over and I was like I'm not cutting it, letting it grow out, not coloring it, letting it grow out, you know. And um, I did let it grow out, got to my shoulders and then, um, I didn't like the way my hair color was. It was looking like I was really thin on top, even though I wasn't just because I have gray hairs coming in already. And so I started coloring my hair just something close to my natural until I was just like you know what, I'm gonna color it whatever I want.
Speaker 1:But during the phase of my hair, I lost my grandma. My grandma always loved when I had blonde hair, so I bought a blonde wig for her funeral and I fell in love with wearing wigs. It was just fun to be able to change my look up, just like if you put a hat on or whatever was just fun to be able to change my look up just like if you put a hat on or whatever. So that's where I found my love of wigs was while I was going through the grow up process with my hair, and I now have an obsession with wigs like I'll get to that in a minute. But, um, obsession with wigs, like I'll get to that in a minute. But, um, I was at my. I was still really happy when I had no hair. So when that was growing out, I felt like if I didn't do my makeup or didn't try to dress girly, I would look like a lesbian. I couldn't wear my wedding band, my fingers were too fat, so I was wearing a lot of the like silicone bands and stuff and it was just a thing and I was very insecure, very unhappy.
Speaker 1:And ironically, that was the time I did my TikToks, where I had like randomly gained. I had like 5,500 followers on my TikTok and I was posting a lot of Disney content, a lot of just like random content, and never received hate about how I looked. It was really surprising to me because I would see other bigger girls post things or bigger people and they would have so much hate on how they looked and somehow I wasn't receiving that and it was very weird. I'm going. You know I went through my weight loss hate on how they looked and somehow I wasn't receiving that and it was very weird. Um, I'm going. You know, I went through my weight loss. I took a break off TikTok because it took. It was just taking up so much of my time and then I got locked out of my TikTok so I had to start a new one, which was fine, um, but what's really interesting is, whenever I go back to that page, I still have the same amount of followers I did when I stopped posting content, and to me that means a lot because it just means that those people genuinely were following me because they wanted to.
Speaker 1:And as I've gotten smaller and I can start wearing normal like in my mind, normal clothes instead of big girl clothes or plus size clothes, which is still weird I still gravitate to bigger sizes because I think that's where I'm at, when in reality, I try it on and it's too big and I need to go smaller. And it's very weird because now I, you know, my goal was to wear a size 12 pant and I'm a size 10 now, um, but I still don't feel like I'm at my goal only because of my stomach. Um, I still have some, which will will work itself out once I start working out, but I am very self-conscious still about my stomach. I still have an overhang, I still have a pooch, what us ladies like to call our fupa, hippie, fupa in. Still, you know, I always feel like I have to wear some sort of like fatter I call them my fatter sucker runners, um, but they're basically just, you know, any sort of undergarments that just keeps everything in place. You know, um, but I don't usually just wear one, I'm usually wearing two because, um, I just I'm trying to get that extra support of you know, keeping my body as intact as possible, if I can. You know what I mean, if that makes sense.
Speaker 1:But I've also tried on my clothes without it, and I know I don't need it per se, but I don't feel, I just don't feel like I look good if I don't have my like shapewear on, because I feel like I look like you can see that I have a jiggly tummy and this and that, and that my butt's not as shaped as it used to be because of not working out, I've lost weight, so my butt's still big, but just not in a shape that I like. So then I have to wear shapewear to make my butt look like butt's still big, but just not in a shape that I like. So then I have to wear shapewear to make my butt look like it's still round and not like a weird in my mind a weird shape, even though my husband would like to beg to differ Um, he likes to beg to differ about a lot of things. Um, and it's been interesting ordering clothes online because I don't know what to order, and last week I got told that I come across very intimidating and I've even had comments of people telling me that, like, my posture is straighter, like I stand straighter, and, honestly, it's all just because I've lost weight.
Speaker 1:I haven't changed my posture, I haven't changed anything, but it's because I've lost weight. Like I don't have that pooch of fat by my neck pushing my shoulders forward and wreaking me hunch, hunch, like things like that. Like, even like one of my cousins at Christmas was like how high are your shoes? I'm usually taller than you, and then like, like, they're not that tall. And then she was like, oh, and I was like I am. I'm like she's like, well, you were standing so straight and I'm like I don't know my posture. She's like you're making me feel like I need to work on my posture and we like joked about it, and it was like she wasn't the first person to say that to me and I was just like that's so weird, like I don't think about those things.
Speaker 1:I also my head think I still look like a 305 pound person, even though I know that's not the case, cause, like I wear clothes that there's no way I would have ever been able to even pull over my like thigh beforehand. And so, like when I see people that I haven't seen in a while, I have to like introduce myself. Like me, ashley, and they're like oh, you look so different, I don't recognize you and I'm like I know. But then it doesn't also help that I wear wigs constantly, so I do change my look up, so I do become unrecognizable fairly easily. But now that I can wear the things I enjoy wearing or that I've always wanted to wear and couldn't, it comes across that I'm very confident in myself and that I'm very sure of myself and in fact I am very insecure.
Speaker 1:90% of what I wear is out of my comfort zone, because my comfort zone for so long has been to cover and hide my body, because that's what I've been told to do. I've been so shameful, like ashamed of my body and so like it's different now that you know I'm smaller and, yes, I can shop anywhere and wear whatever and all of the above, but I still have a hard time looking in the mirror and recognizing that that's who I am Now. I have been going to therapy longer than I have had surgery. I've been at therapy for two and a half, over two and a half years, almost three years now and, um, it's because of all the pre-trauma that I've had. So that causes me to still have the issues about body dysmorphia, issues that I have now.
Speaker 1:And back then when I was heavy, I didn't think I was as heavy as I was, even though I had eating disorders, like I never viewed myself like super, super, super fat. But then I look back at like pictures and I'm like, oh my gosh, like that's what I looked like. I didn't even realize, you know. And I would always tell my husband like oh my gosh, like that's what I looked like. I didn't even realize, you know. And I would always tell my husband, like how did you love me when I looked like that? And he's like I've always loved you, no matter how you looked like. You know my husband's amazing. I'm truly blessed.
Speaker 1:But I have noticed that people don't come up to me as much anymore and say they want to be my friend, or I've noticed that people who I thought I had a good relationship with no longer really talk to me or quote unquote feel intimidated by me. And it took six months Let me just kind of preface this. It took six months of dating with my husband before he realized I was insecure about my body. So when I say I'm good at hiding it, I'm really good at hiding it. And so I'm just good at hiding my insecurities. And just because I hide it doesn't mean it's not there. And just because I hide it doesn't mean it still doesn't bother me. But I know at some point it will stop bothering me. I know at some point my head will catch up to my body. But because it's been such a drastic change in such a short period of time without me really putting in a ton of effort, it's weird at a time without me really putting in a ton of effort, it's weird.
Speaker 1:And then you know people ask me all the time well, why do you wear wigs? I'm like for fun, just like you wear a hat. It's the same thing. I don't have to worry about doing my hair. I can throw a wig on. I don't have to worry about trying to grow my hair out if I just throw on a long wig or I don't have to worry about putting my hair if I just put on a short wig, like you know what I mean. Like it's for me it's just a way to cause.
Speaker 1:My hair has always been my one thing I can control, and so, because I don't really want to color it too much and I don't really want to do a lot to it, to do a lot to it, um, wigs have become my go-to accessory for that, and it's really hard to um to think that, excuse me. It's really hard to think that people who've known me before surgery and before my weight loss are now intimidated by me and treat me differently. Because I've lost over 130 pounds and I just wear fun clothes and I like fashion and I just do things and I've always had a heart for people. I love people. I want people to love themselves too. Like that's why I started humble beginnings, like that's why I worked in retail. Like I've always had a heart for people to love how they look when they look in the mirror. I want that for myself, so why wouldn't I want that for others? And so for all of a sudden, it to be a? You make me feel insecure or I make you feel insecure or I make you feel intimidated, insecure, or I make you feel insecure or I make you feel intimidated, when in reality, I am just as insecure as you. You just don't see it because I hide it, but I was also just as insecure back then when you first met me, as I am now and a lot of people don't think about that. I am now and a lot of people don't think about that, which is totally fine. It still blows my mind that I can wear a medium. I don't even know if I ever wore a medium when I was younger. It blows my mind that I have an hourglass figure.
Speaker 1:I bought a dress off a sheen. That was a dress that I you know was $7. And I was just like this is going to be a, a gold dress to be able to wear, because I had a feeling it was going to be too small. I had a feeling it was going to be too short, feeling I was going to look like a stuffed sausage, because usually that's how I look in tighter dresses and things like that.
Speaker 1:And, um, yesterday, um, I help out one of our things at church. It's a healing program that we do and, um, if you've heard of it, it's called CR Celebrate Recovery and it's not necessarily for people who are trying to celebrate recovery from AA or anything like that. But if you've been gone, if you've gone through anything in your life that has caused you trauma or any sort of hurt that you've not been able to overcome, it helps you with it. And so I I volunteer with that and I help with that. And I was there yesterday and came home before I ate dinner I was like you know, my dress came in that day too and I hadn't I hadn't tried it on yet. So I was like, yeah, I'm going to try this on real quick and put it on.
Speaker 1:And my husband saw it before I even looked in the mirror and he literally was like hot damn. And like my husband compliments me Okay guys, like my husband tells me I look good all the time. But this was different. This was like a genuinely shocked like, when, like I can't even express it, but his response was a very genuine response but also very like that's my wife, I am married to her, that's mine, that's my wife, I am married to her, that's mine. And I'm like what does it look Okay? Like do I look. Okay. He's like you look amazing. I was like I don't believe you.
Speaker 1:So I'm like I need to go and take a picture so I can send it to my girlies and see what they think, cause my husband will tell me I look good naked too. And I'm like you know, I got so much loose skin I can make my stomach look like a donut. It's ridiculous. Or I always call it a bagel. I call it my bagel. I tell him I need my. I. I lay down it. It like is really weird. Loose skin is weird. Guys. Let me just tell you that if you've never experienced it, loose skin is weird. And it does feel like dough, okay, so like the Pillsbury dough boy. You know, that's kind of how I feel, Um, and uh, I tell them like you're biased and I don't believe you when you say I look good in something because you think I look good naked and I don't think that either.
Speaker 1:So, um, I go to take a picture and I genuinely did not recognize myself. I was like there's no way. That's my body. That's not my body. I had an hourglass figure. I turned to the side. Obviously I still have my fupa. It's still fupa-ing, you know, but it's a lot smaller than it's ever been, you know, and, um, even though you can still see it because it is a more of a tighter dress, it doesn't look bad. Um, I thought that the dress was going to be super short on me because, um, your girls got booty and in the picture it looked very, very, very, very short. Um, and I put it on and it actually was not as short as I was expecting it to be and it actually looked good.
Speaker 1:And I spent $7 on this dress at Sheen and I sent it to one of my best friends and she literally was like I told her I was like I don't know who this person is, like I don't even recognize myself. Like who is this person? And she's like that's you, she's she's like hello hourglass figure, and I've grown up with this girl my whole life. Like when I say, like we've known each other forever, and it's very weird, like I notice a shift in how people talk to me. Um, you know gatherings or at like, you know other things, like in public. Like people just talk to me differently and they treat you differently.
Speaker 1:I was never, like in public, really treated differently for being big. I was never, like in public really treated differently for being big. But people, I think, in their head always thought Like what I wear now, people never tell me you can't wear that, you shouldn't wear that. But if I attempted to wear something like I do now when I was heavier, I would get shamed for it and say you shouldn't wear that, you can't wear that, that's not, that doesn't look good on you. And so when I've had all these things my whole life, I know it's going to take time for my brain to catch up. But for anyone who knows me, who's listening, who has ever been intimidated by me, especially recently, because of whether how I look or what I wear or whatever the case may be, I'm sorry, that is not my heart. My heart is for people and to feel the way you know, to make them feel good. I don't want to make someone feel uncomfortable. I don't want to make someone feel insecure about themselves. I've had that my whole life. I understand it if come to me with your insecurities, because if anyone's going to understand I am Like I'm still very insecure in my body. I probably will be for a while. It'll take some time, but on social media I'll post a lot of you know, before and afters next to each other, because for me, that's how my brain goes. See how far you've come.
Speaker 1:I've had people say just get over it, you've already lost the weight. So why do you let that bother you? Because it was what was ingrained in me for so long and it's just a whole different experience. I'm refinding who I am. I'm trying to be the best version of me, not only for, like, my health, like be the healthiest version of me, but I want to be the best version of me for my husband, for my friends, for you know the people I come in contact with. I want to live a healthy life.
Speaker 1:You know finding out things like my weight loss picked back up after I went on Adderall, um, because my stress levels have gone down and I've lost quite a bit fairly rapidly again and it's just very interesting to just like I don't I have to go through my clothes and like I have a problem with buying clothes. Guys Like that is a problem. Shopping I enjoy it now. I've always loved shopping, but now I really enjoy shopping. But I really enjoy shopping and finding things on a budget, like on a good deal, like a lot of people get very surprised when I tell them how much I spend on my clothes, because my clothes look like they cost a lot of money. It's very rare if I spend full price on anything I own. I always buy sales, I always go thrifting, I always I am a bargain shopper and most of that is because I don't want to spend full price on things that aren't going to fit me, like I don't know when my body is going to just naturally stop losing weight and I just maintain I haven't even, like I said, I haven't even started working out yet. So, like I'm insecure with loose skin. But honestly, my loose skin is kind of bounced back a lot better than I was expecting it to.
Speaker 1:By no means am I saying I'm skinny because I am not. I have still have a tummy. Okay, I got curves. I am not skinny. I don't want to be skinny. I enjoy my curves. I like being in a curvy girl.
Speaker 1:I don't think I will actually physically get that much smaller. I think what will just happen is things will just tone up as I work out. Um, and obviously I know muscle weighs more than fat. So I another reason why I don't want to step on the scale is because, like, especially before I start working out, like I mean I probably should before I start working out, but it's besides the point. I just really don't like the scale. Um, so I might be smaller than 175 pounds, I'm not sure. Um, that's just my guesstimate.
Speaker 1:Like I'm buying, I tend to like. I bought even a bra off of Sheen and I'm already on the last. I just got it in and it's I, when I put it on, I'm on the last hole on it, you know, like the last loops. So it's like if I lose any weight, it's not like I can make it any smaller. So you know, it's like weird, it's very weird, and I appreciate everyone who has supported me through this journey me and I hope that anyone who has felt intimidated by me for any reason, I hope you know that's not me, that's not who I try to be, that's not my personality and I hope you can forgive me for making you feel that way.
Speaker 1:Your feelings are valid, but if I made you feel insecure or if I made you feel what's the word I just used, sorry, intimidated, it's not, that's not my fault, necessarily completely. There's an underlining issue too that you might have that you might need to address. But just know that, like I'm here, I hold no ill will towards people. You know I forgive, I forget and move on. Like everyone deserves chances, second chances, third chances, fourth chances, whatever, depending on the situation. You know I mean God forgives you no matter what and he'll forgive you forever. I mean God forgives you no matter what and he'll forgive you forever.
Speaker 1:You know, and I strive to live the way God wants us to live and I strive to be that kind of person because I know I fail, I know I mess up all the time, I know I want to be forgiven, I know I want genuine friendships and genuine relationships with people. I know that I want that, even with myself. And so if I want that with myself and I want that with the people around me, because that's what we're supposed to have and that's what we're supposed to do, then I want people to feel safe. Coming to me with their insecurities, with the hey, you know this made me feel a certain way. So then I know too, like maybe I'm just addressing people wrong, maybe, you know, I just don't realize that I come across that way sometimes, but I have noticed that people feel intimidated by me more now, that I come across that way sometimes. But I have noticed that people feel intimidated by me more now that I'm smaller and wear different clothes and change my hair.
Speaker 1:And, honestly, I don't even really do a ton of makeup Like. I do very natural looking makeup. My makeup that I wear most of the time is very neutral. Before it was very like I felt like I had to be very done up with my makeup and now I'm just like it is what it is Like. It's more natural change. We all change. We all grow. We all evolve into different parts of ourselves, you know, and when we get older, we, you know, we mature, we change.
Speaker 1:And, uh, I just really felt the need to talk about this because whether you were skinny and now you're not, or whether you were fat and now you're not, it shouldn't change who you are inside. It shouldn't change your heart. I told my husband, if I lose weight and I become one of those women who's obsessed with themselves, who's obsessed with themselves, please slap me in the face and knock me to my senses and he's like, I'll make sure that that doesn't happen. You know, whatever and he's like, but I don't think that will and it hasn't. I'm still me, like. He tells me all the time he's like just because you're smaller, you're still you. Just because you wear different clothes, you're still you. Just because you wear wigs, you're still you. Just because you wear wigs, you're still you.
Speaker 1:And honestly, I laugh because I told my husband I'm like well, you can have. Oh, let's see how many weeks do I have now? I just bought a bunch more. Um, I think I have like 35 weeks or more, I don't know, there's a lot. I told him I was like you can have like 35 wigs or more, I don't know there's a lot. I told him I was like you can have like 35 wigs and we joke about it and it's always a fun. It's always a fun joke, but that's the thing. Like you gotta have fun, dude.
Speaker 1:Like life's too short, that's all I'm doing, because I'm just trying to enjoy my life and I'm just trying to enjoy the life I've been given and this new chance and this new lease on life I've been given and enjoy it. So that's how I look at my relationships with people is I'm trying to enjoy them. I don't want drama, I don't want to create issues, I want just love on people. And when people tell me that I make people feel uncomfortable or make people feel insecure or whatever the case may be, or I intimidate them. It makes me feel bad because that's not my heart, and if you know me then you should know my heart, and so thank you for those of you who do know me and know my heart.
Speaker 1:I also would not be as open and vulnerable about my stuff as I have been if I didn't care. I would just delete all the pictures of me being big and only have pictures of me being small and pretend that that life never happened and pretend I just lost weight by myself. And that's not what I do. That's not the kind of person I want to be. I want to help others. So, with that being said, I'm glad I was able to kind of talk about that, because it's been bugging me.
Speaker 1:I hope this resonated with someone anyone out there who's struggling or who's been in this position. Or maybe you're the one that feels intimidated by somebody. I hope it helps you see a different side of maybe that person that makes you feel intimidated or insecure. And if you are the person who makes others feel that way, maybe we just need to have a sit down, conversation and figure out why. You know like that's what I want. I want to know why I make people feel that way when that's not my heart.
Speaker 1:But that is it for today's episode. Um, I am sorry again that we did not have an episode last week, but we are back up and running full throttle ahead. Next week we will be picking back up on our seven pillars. We'll be talking about three and four and unfortunately I do not have three and four in front of me to tell you what that is. So you haven't listened to my last podcast. It tells you on the last one. But that's where we're at today. I hope you guys enjoyed it.
Speaker 1:Thank you for letting me be open and vulnerable with you guys and for joining me on this journey. And you know, if you know someone that needs help with this stuff, like, please send them my podcast, send them my way, send them to my socials. I'm here to talk Like. I'm here to help. That is my heart. I understand I've been through so much in my lifetime so far, like more than I should have at such a young age growing up, you know it. It made me grow and mature really quickly. Just know you're not alone and you do have support here and this is a safe space.
Speaker 1:And again, I apologize to anyone listening who I have made feel insecure, who I have made feel intimidated. Just know that's not my heart and there had to have been some sort of miscommunication and I am sorry. And if that is, you come find me, come talk to me, message me so we can work it out, because that's not what I want, it's not what I want for you, that's not what I want for me, that's not what I want for anyone. So I hope you guys have an amazing week. I hope you guys had a great Monday. Monday was a day where most people weren't working and schools were closed. So just enjoy the rest of your week and I look forward to picking up our pillars next Wednesday. And thank you, guys for being patient with me and understanding that life sometimes gets in the way and you got to take some TLC for yourself. But until then, I will talk to you guys next week. Have a wonderful day and thank you so much for joining me on my journey. Till next week, bye.
