"I Am On My Side."

This week on WORDS MATTER, Deanna Ley, The Catalytic Coach, continues the ROOTED series with a quote that sounds simple but is one of the hardest things we may ever learn how to do:

“I am on my side.”

Most of us aren’t on our own side. We’re our own worst critic, our harshest judge, our most relentless opponent. We talk to ourselves in ways we would never tolerate from another human being.

Sharing about a very recent happening in her life, Deanna explores what it really means to become your own ally instead of your own enemy and how being on your own side means taking ownership with compassion instead of cruelty and creating solutions instead of staying stuck in shame.

What Listeners Will Learn

• Why we tolerate internal criticism we would immediately shut down if it came from someone else
• What being on your own side looks like in real-life scenarios – the mirror, mistakes at work, off days with wellness, and comparison
• How to use your PEACE GAUGE to shift harsh self-talk
• Why accountability paired with compassion creates lasting change
• How to separate your behavior from your identity

Memorable Quotes

• “I am on my side.”
• “Talk to yourself like you would to someone you love.” – Brené Brown
• “Does continuing to tear myself apart add to or sustain my peace in my mind, my body, and my soul?”
• “So you made a mistake. You’re not a mistake.”
• “Being on your own side means you hold yourself accountable with compassion, instead of cruelty.”
• “Growth happens in an environment of support, not shame.”

This episode is a reminder that the way you speak to yourself shapes how you show up for your life.

Your WORDS MATTER, because YOU MATTER.

ChooseROOTED.com

❤️❤️❤️

Transcript

Well, hey there! Welcome back to another episode of WORDS MATTER. 

We're continuing our ROOTED series today, and I want to talk to you about something that might sound simple, friends, but it's one of the hardest things we may ever learn how to do. 

The quote for today is, "I am on my side". 

Five words, which unfortunately for many of us often feel like a foreign language.

Because sadly, most of us aren't on our own side. More often than not, we're our own worst critic. Our harshest judge. Our most relentless opponent. An enemy who's out to steal our peace and rob us of our joy. We talk to ourselves in ways that we would never, ever talk to another human being. If someone else talked to us the way that we talk to ourselves at times, we probably deck them right in the mouth.

Think about that for a second. If another person stood in front of you and said the things that you say to yourself - called you stupid, lazy, a failure, told you you weren't enough, criticized your every move - you wouldn't tolerate it. Not for one second. You'd shut it down. You'd shut them down. You'd walk away - or shoot - you might might even try to defend yourself rather aggressively. But when that voice comes from inside your own head, you believe it. You accept it. You let it run wild.

Brene Brown says it perfectly. "Talk to yourself like you would to someone you love". Let me say that again... Talk to yourself like you would to someone you love. Not someone you're trying to fix. Not someone you're disappointed in. Not someone who needs to earn your kindness. Someone you love. Right now. Just as they are.

Now that's what being on your own side means, friends. It means treating yourself with the same compassion, the same grace, the same benefit of the doubt that you'd give to someone else that you care about deeply.

Storytime. Let me tell you what happened this past Friday. Because it's a great example of what it looks like when you're NOT on your own side - and then what it takes to make a shift. See, I was supposed to lead my monthly IKAGG CONNECTions networking meeting. Something I look forward to every single month. But I couldn't find my car key. I'd taken it off my key ring the day before for a hike and never put it back on.

Well, Friday morning, as I was getting everything together for the meeting, I realized that it was nowhere to be found. As time ticked by - the time that I needed to get in the shower, get ready, get going - no key. I tore my house apart. I was looking for it, high and low, and it was at that time that the internal dialogue started inside of me... Again? How does this keep happening? What is wrong with you?

I realized how late it was getting. As I looked at the clock, I started panicking. I knew I was in trouble. So reluctantly, I texted Al(l)ison Squared. Allison Hillman. Alison Knaup. Two incredible leaders who always step up and step in when I need them. I let them know I wouldn't be there. I couldn't be there. I was already spiraling into negativity and frustration. And in that text, I actually wrote the words, "I'm trying really hard not to hate myself right now".

When those words came out, they were true. And that stopped me in my tracks. Because I know better. I teach this work. I live this work. And yet there I was, absolutely not on my own side.

But here's where the shift happened. I realized there was literally nothing I could do in that moment. Thanks to them saying yes, I knew the meeting would go off without a hitch. It was being taken care of. Two other amazing humans - Travis Greer, Ashley Weibley - also stepped in to help. Everything was going to be fine. Now at that point I could for sure keep beating myself up, but that wasn't going to get me there like I wanted to be. So I had a choice.

I could keep shame spiraling and making myself miserable for the rest of the day, or I could consciously choose to be on my own side. I paused. Took a deep breath. And I asked myself the question from my PEACE GAUGE's perspective. Does continuing to tear myself apart add to or sustain my peace in my mind, my body, and my soul. The answer was a clear and resounding, HECK NO! It wasn't helping anything, but it was taking everything.

So I chose differently. I acknowledged the frustration without making it mean that I was a terrible person. I took responsibility for missing the meeting without punishing myself endlessly. I let the Al(l)isons know that I trusted them completely. And then I did something really important. I switched from being a Problem Haver to a Solution Seeker.

Now, because this has happened before... In fact, I'm pretty embarrassed to say that I had lost my key in the exact same way last month, the same day as my CONNECTions meeting. The difference was that I found it shortly after I realized it was lost, and I was able to make that meeting. But that was the very wake up call that I needed. See, this wasn't just poor luck. It was becoming a pattern of behavior that was not serving me. That awareness created a new sense of purpose for me. And right then and there, I put a protocol into place.

From now on, if my key comes off my keychain, for any reason, it goes right back on as soon as possible. Period. No exceptions. That's what being on your own side looks like in real life. It's taking ownership without self-destruction. It's learning from the mistake instead of letting shame swallow you whole. It's creating systems that support you instead of just hoping you'll magically do better next time.

And here's how the story ends. When Chris got home later that day, he found my key on the floorboard of my car where I had locked it inside. Now I could have made that mean something terrible about myself. I could have spiraled all over again, but instead I laughed. Because sometimes life is ridiculous. Sometimes we do things that make no logical sense and being on your own side means you can acknowledge that without making it a referendum on your worth as a human being.

Let's think about what it means to be on someone's side. When you're on someone's side, you defend them. You believe in them. You stand beside them. You speak truth to them without destroying them. You support them through hard moments, instead of abandoning them when things get messy. Now imagine doing that to yourself.

That's what "I am on my side" looks like in action. And it's deeply connected to being the Tender of your ROOTED Self. Because a Tender doesn't criticize the garden for not blooming fast enough. A Tender doesn't shame the tree for bending in the storm. A Tender shows up with loving care and with patience and understanding that growth takes time and struggles and challenges are just part of the process.

When you become your own ally, instead of your own enemy, your whole-self responds. Your mind clears when you stop flooding it with harsh criticism. Your body relaxes when you stop treating it like something to fix or punish. Your soul settles when you stop demanding perfection as the price of your own acceptance.

Now, my missing key story isn't unique. This internal battle - the one where we turn on ourselves - it shows up everywhere. And I want you to see yourself in some of these moments.

Maybe you're standing in front of the mirror, getting ready for your day, and suddenly the critical voice starts. Every flaw. Every imperfection. Every way you don't measure up to some impossible standard. Now if a stranger walked up to you on the street and started listing everything they thought was wrong with your appearance, you'd be horrified. You'd probably tell them exactly where to go. But when it's your own voice? Why do you just accept it as truth? Being on your own side means you shut that voice down the same way you would have it came from someone else. You refuse to let anyone - including yourself - tear you apart.

Or maybe you're at work and you make a mistake. Nothing catastrophic, but noticeable. Immediately, your brain starts the onslaught. How could you be so careless? Everyone's going to think you're incompetent. You're better than this. What's wrong with you? If a colleague made the same mistake and came to you upset about it, you'd offer grace. You'd remind them that mistakes happen, and you'd probably help them find a solution. But when it's you? Why do you show yourself zero mercy? Being on your own side means you extend yourself that same grace. You acknowledge the mistake, you fix what needs fixing, and you move forward without destroying yourself in the process.

What about when you've had an off day with your wellness? Maybe you ate in a way that didn't serve you. Maybe you skipped movement when you know it helps you feel better. Maybe you stayed up too late scrolling when you desperately needed rest. The shame spiral starts immediately. I've already ruined it. Why bother? I have no self-control. If a friend told you they'd had an off day and felt terrible about it, would you pile on? Would you tell them they're a lost cause? Absolutely not. You'd remind them that one day doesn't erase all their progress. You'd encourage them to just start fresh. Right where they are. Right now. And being on your own side means you give yourself that same encouragement. You return to what serves you without the drama of starting over or the weight of shame.

And then there's comparison. You see someone else who seems to have it all figured out. They look put together. They seem confident. Their life looks easier, better, more successful. And suddenly you feel less than. You judge yourself for not being further along. You wonder what's wrong with you that you're still struggling. But here's the thing. You're comparing your messy internal reality to someone else's curated external presentation. If someone stood next to you and constantly pointed out how you don't measure up to other people, you'd see them as cruel. You'd reject it - and them. But being on your own side means you reject that cruelty, even when it comes from yourself. You honor your own journey without diminishing it through comparison.

Don't you see it, friends? The voice that tears you down, criticizes you relentlessly, holds you to impossible standards, and punishes you for being human - that voice wouldn't be tolerated if it came from anyone else. So why do we tolerate it from ourselves?

Being on your own side is a practice and like any practice, it gets stronger the more you use it. So how do you actually do it? How do you start being on your own side when you've spent years being your own harshest critic?

Start by noticing your self-talk. Just pay attention to how you speak to yourself. Ask yourself honestly - If someone else said this to me, how would I respond? If the answer is, "I'd shut them down and shut them out immediately", then you know you need to shift.

When you catch yourself spiraling, practice the pause. Take a breath. Ask yourself - What would I say to someone I love in this situation? And then say that to yourself instead.

Use your PEACE GAUGE. Ask yourself - Does this thought add to or sustain my peace in my mind, my body, and my soul? If it doesn't, choose a different thought.

Separate your behavior from your identity. You can acknowledge that you did something you wish you hadn't of done without making it mean that you're a bad person. So you made a mistake. You're not a mistake.

And here's something crucial. Being on your own side doesn't mean you stop holding yourself accountable, friends. It doesn't mean you lower your standards or make excuses or let yourself off the hook. Being on your own side means you hold yourself accountable with compassion, instead of cruelty. You learn from mistakes, instead of just punishing yourself for making them. Then you create solutions instead of staying stuck in shame.

That's what I did on Friday. I didn't pretend it was fine that I missed the meeting. I didn't make excuses. I took full responsibility. And I've created a system to prevent it from ever happening again. That's accountability. But I did it without hating myself in the process. That's compassion.

When you stop fighting against yourself and start fighting for yourself, you free up the energy for things that actually matter. You stop wasting strength on internal battles and start using it to build the life you want.

Your ROOTED Self knows this. Growth happens in an environment of support, not shame. You can hold yourself accountable and still treat yourself with kindness. Those aren't opposing forces. They work together to help you become the person you're meant to be. And one moment of self-criticism doesn't define you. One harsh thought doesn't undo your progress. But the practice of being on your own side - consistently, deliberately, and courageously - that transforms how you move through this one, amazing life you've been gifted.

So here's what I want to leave you with today. Where in your life right now are you not on your own side? Where are you treating yourself more harshly than you'd ever allow another person to treat you? What would it look like if you extend to yourself the same compassion you give to someone you love?

This week, I want you to practice noticing. Every time you catch yourself being harsh, critical, or unkind to yourself, pause. Ask - If someone else said this to me, what would I do? And then defend yourself the way you would if it came from outside. Better yet... Shift it before it even gets that far. Speak to yourself in a way that you'd speak to someone you love.

Repeat after me right now, out loud. I am on my side. Again... I am on my side.

Feel what that means. You're not against yourself. You're not your own enemy. You're your own advocate. Your own supporter. Your own ally. You are the Tender of your ROOTED Self. And that means showing up for yourself with the same care, the same patience, and the same unwavering support that you'd give to anyone that you love.

Talk to yourself in a way that lifts you up, that builds you up, that supports you. Not someday. Not when you've "earned" it. Right now. Just as you are. Because you deserve that kindness, my friend. You deserve that grace. And you deserve to be on your own side.

Friends, the words we see and read, the words we hear, and the words we say to ourselves and about ourselves - about what we're doing and how we're doing it - they all matter. 

Your WORDS MATTER, because YOU MATTER. 

Have a great day.