Networking

Guy provides networking tips for interns, and makes a new enemy.

Transcript

I have been asked to include a trigger warning for this episode because it contains mild themes of Jim Davidson.

[Intro]

Welcome to the one-hundred-and-third episode of The Undercover Intern podcast, coming to you live from the centre of London. I'm your host, Guy Snapdragon, and today is Monday the 20th of January 2025.

We are sponsored this week by The Maywentery Golf Course. Welcoming men of all abilities since 1923. I don’t golf myself, it’s an awful waste of time, but I do frequent the Maywentery facilities and drive their buggies around at night. So much fun.

When I asked new listeners to email and introduce themselves, I was hoping for some interesting anecdotes, not just factual stuff like your name and occupation. Perhaps I should have made that clearer.

We’ve also received hefty correspondence complaining that recent episodes have lacked the precision to which you’re accustomed, with one listener saying that the podcast has become, quote, a meandering waste of everybody’s time. I agree that we’ve departed slightly from podcast fundamentals and I appreciate the feedback. Therefore without further ado, open quotation, Sit down before fact as a little child, be prepared to give up every preconceived notion, follow humbly wherever and whatever abyss Nature leads, or you shall learn nothing. Close quotations. That’s by Leslie Jamieson, one of my favourite thinkers. This is from his ‘Empathy Exams’ book which I highly recommend and I think the quote encapsulates the purpose of this podcast: Question everything, within reason.

It’s undercoverinternguy all one word at gmail dot com, that’s undercoverinternguy@gmail.com to get in touch.

Let’s not dilly-dally. Today I will share networking tips. Regular listeners will be familiar with this, but for those of you new to the podcast, it’s all about engineering serendipity. Work-based serendipity can be engineered by eating your lunch in the lift. Just go up and down and in an hour you’ll get hundreds of chances to impress a colleague. Or engineer even more intimate pathways to serendipity. I’ve told this story many times, but Michael Pollard, CEO of Carpet Culture, is now a dear friend of mine. I’ll never forget his first words to me in the bathroom, quote: “why have you been washing your hands for six minutes; do you have an infection?” I ignored the question and explained instead why carpets are like mattresses or suits - they are bought infrequently and buyers cannot readily judge their quality. Therefore Carpet Culture’s carpets should always be on fake sale at an apparently reduced price - nobody’s going to know that it’s a phony sale and people are suckers for a bargain. The networking lesson is that I met Michael in the men’s bathrooms on the fourth floor of Carpet Culture headquarters in St. Albans, as he emerged from a cubicle. I interned on the ground floor, and so what on earth was I doing up there? I was engineering serendipity. The rest is carpet history.

But at Focgee - where the client is loved two point zero - I need to digitally engineer serendipity. Throughout the past week I have called a random colleague on Teams every twenty minutes or so, with my first words always being: “Oh, who are you? I meant to call the Chief Financial Officer.” This gets their attention and establishes dominance. Next, I compliment them - it could be about anything, so long as it sounds sincere and spontaneous and doesn’t forewarn sexual harassment. Finally, and here’s the clever part, I stare at the camera in benevolent silence for however long the call continues. I rest my elbow on my desk and slowly stroke my chin, but otherwise stare absolutely impassively at the camera. The purpose of the chin stroking is to avoid any misapprehension that my internet has frozen, but it lends me an aura of the intellectual, also.

In a couple of weeks, when we move to the new podcast studio, I’ll be able to show you my technique. Yes, listeners, The Undercover Intern is going to be a video podcast very soon! But for now you’ll have to use your imagination. My technique is actually inspired by an artist who sat in a museum and did this staring thing with a succession of strangers. I don’t remember his name, but there’s power in just sitting in silence with somebody. Most of the people I called mumbled goodbye, and there’s no hope for us as colleagues. Some expressed annoyance or even threats, and I will avoid these people too. But I’d say one in ten joined me in silent connection. And with those people I subsequently connected on LinkedIn and once that’s happened there’s really no limit to our professional relationship.

Networking at work isn’t all that different to networking in our social lives, but I have to admit to being more successful at the former. With that in mind, I don’t currently have a girlfriend or a wife and so if any woman is listening who wants an opportunity to share a life and a family with a globally successful intern podcast host, please email. Male listeners, I’m afraid I’m rabidly heterosexual but if you have a female friend or a sister or a daughter who might be interested, please pass on my details. Age isn’t an issue for me. I’m 43 but don’t let that put you off if you’re in your 20s or whatever. Because of my fame and the fact that I’m undercover I cannot really meet women in traditional ways so it’s best that you email with a recent JPEG picture attached. I promise to get back with my answer within twelve working days. I have put on a bit of weight recently, but I’m going to lose it so I’m really only looking for women with normal or less BMI and in good childbearing condition, both physically and mentally… I like my women like my own current Body Mass Index; just under 30 and falling-open - brackets in love with me - close brackets.

Who’s writing this script? I don’t get it… Anyhow it’s undercoverinternguy@gmail.com to get in touch. Please include your subject heading as ‘Available Woman’…

Unfortunately, we won’t be coming to Torquay this summer for our live show, or at least not to The Princess Theatre. I cannot comment too much pending legal action, but there’s a social media rabbit-hole that you can crawl through if that’s your thing. The Princess Theatre’s Twitter feed as of last week now posts everything in both English and Welsh, and I’ll leave you to judge the reasons why a run-down theatre in a sleepy retirement town in Devon, England would feel the need to do this …  Torquay has cancelled me. It was such a delight to perform at the theatre in 2023, and to meet so many lonely pensioners down there. I know we’ve lost a few of you recently and it’s such a pity that the rest of us won’t be able to join in communion in 2025, as it will probably be the last chance we have. Is there any crueller killer than old age? Perhaps, but trust me it’s absolutely gross when an old person dies.

Speaking of old people who could die. Jim Davidson, the host of Big Break, expressed support for this podcast on social media on Friday night and also left a somewhat rambling and at times incoherent voicemail message to me expressing solidarity with regards to my travails with The Princess Theatre in Torquay. It turns out that he is also banned from performing at the venue. From what I can tell you’re a disgusting person, Jim. Please don’t try and compare my lighthearted impression of the political leader who did more to protect the Labour party from an existential threat in the 1980s than anybody with your hateful and racist ranting. I’ll always be grateful to you and John Virgo for Big Break, but you have thrown away your entire snooker legacy. We may have a common enemy in Torquay’s Princess Theatre but that does not allies make us.

We’re coming to the end of another great episode. Please try some of the networking techniques that I’ve set out and I’d love to hear how you manage to engineer serendipity. 

We are still getting emails about our landmark 100th episode towards the end of last year which was about Gearing Ratios. Sorry the episode ran on a little longer than usual but there were extenuating circumstances. For those of you who don’t know, extenuating is an adjective which means a factor that reduces the seriousness of an offence. I have an email here from ‘Anonymous’ – please do put your name and location on correspondence. Anonymous says that he loved the episode, but wishes I’d let Brian Caithness talk a bit more and wonders why I kept interrupting with my banal anecdotes and my whiney voice that is somehow both high-pitched and monotonous and sounds like a depressed hamster. Anonymous also says that his favourite gearing ratio is zero point six nine six nine six nine six nine six nine six nine six nine six nine recurring. I appreciate all constructive feedback Anonymous, and my voice should be more masculine in a couple of weeks once we’re in our new studio with proper equipment. I take your concerns about interruptions very seriously, but in my defence, those with childhood-onset fluency disorder usually appreciate the help. I also did not know that Brian had such a serious impediment until a good few minutes into the show – it’s a pretty odd thing for Brian to have not warned me about and we could have easily arranged for a voice actor to convey his Gearing Ratio expertise in a more listener-friendly manner… But anyway, it’s done now and I know a lot of you listen to podcasts at 1.5 speed. I’d say you could put it up to three for that episode. … Finally Anonymous, and as Brian partly said, a good rule of thumb is that any ratio over zero point six can be risky and so I’m calling you out Anonymous as irresponsibly overleveraged – maybe you’re comfortable with over two times as much debt as equity, but I’m not and I hope that the next inevitable economic downturn doesn’t completely rip you apart.

I’ve been your host, Guy Snapdragon. Legal support from Michael Webb and Accountancy from Graham Cree. May you use your time wisely, and may your use of wise be timely.