Management Consultancy

Guy demystifies management consultancies through clever use of metaphors.

Transcript

Welcome to the one-hundred-and-seventh episode of The Undercover Intern podcast, coming to you live from the centre of London Luton Airport. I'm your host, Guy Snapdragon, and today is Monday the 17th of February 2025.
[Bouncing Balls] Oh, I should just say that we have a juggler and a clown in the studio with us today. When I initially booked them I believed that we were going to be a video podcast, and thought it would be fun to have a couple of entertainers in the background, to take the edge off a bit. We’ve got a mime troupe in next week and that’ll be pointless. Cameras aren’t allowed this side of airport security, per United Kingdom spying regulations.

We are sponsored this week by The Maywentery Golf Course. Welcoming men of all abilities since 1923. Fully opened now and with a bench dedicated to Garry Rafferty on hole seven, with a sign that reads, quote: Garry Rafferty 1980-2025. A valued member since 2003. Drowned here during the floods of January 2024. End dedication … They’ve made a mistake with the year, haven’t they? The first one is OK but the floods were in January 2025, not 2024. I’m sure we’ve all made that mistake early in a new year, but that really shouldn’t happen on a death memorial bench. That’s terrible. They need to get that changed asap. People are going to think that Garry struggled with the flood for a whole year before he succumbed, which is ludicrous. He died pretty instantly by all accounts, barely put up a fight.

Today’s topic is my one-month anniversary at Focgee - where the client is loved two point zero - and we begin with some beautiful words from Michael Pollan: An individual human existence should be like a river: small at first, narrowly contained within its banks and rushing passionately past rocks and over waterfalls. Gradually, the river grows wide, the banks recede, the waters flow more quietly, and in the end, without any visible break, they become merged in the sea and painlessly lose their individual being. End quote. I am the wide intern river now, nearing the end of my journey to sea. That’s sea as in S E A, not S E E, though I do also have my eyes wide open … but in the context of this metaphor, I am the river and so I don’t have eyes. Metaphors so often fall apart upon inspection, don’t they? I also just want to reiterate that nobody should literally go chasing waterfalls. Stick to the rivers and, if applicable, the lakes that you're used to.

Anyhow, I talked about my unfortunate first day at Focgee - where the client is loved two point zero - back in episode 102. I’m happy to report that the remainder of my first month has been much smoother and, largely due to my networking prowess, I’m exerting my influence at the very highest levels. 

A lot of people ask what exactly a management consultancy like Focgee - where the client is loved two point zero - does. On a simple level it leverages organisations’ core competencies to drive synergistic value creation. But Focgee - where the client is loved two point zero - does everything you could possibly imagine short of physical labour. I’m not going to throw around buzzwords like ‘change management’ or ‘strategy consulting’ or ‘industry expertise’ because, while Focgee - where the client is loved two point zero - does these things as well as anyone, it literally does everything else too. Amazon describes itself as ‘the everything store’ and not only did Focgee - where the client is loved two point zero - come up with this moniker for them back in 2011, despite what renowned liar Jeff Bezos may claim, but for Amazon and tangible products, read Focgee - where the client is loved two point zero - and intangible products. By this I don’t mean things like a haircut or fixing a car because that requires physical labour, but rather things that you can do sitting down using a laptop, like intellectual property and advice. Spreadsheets.
[Bouncing Balls] You’re surprisingly bad at this, aren’t you? Is this your main job? Just leave the balls alone and go play with his bow tie or something. Go on, sit over there out of the way. Clown.

I’ll let you in on a little secret. I am interning at Focgee - where the client is loved two point zero - in part because I hired their international ‘podcasting services’ team to help me to perfect The Undercover Intern podcast. Now before you write in and say that it’s surely impossible to improve this podcast, I remind you that all correspondence is currently being deleted without being read, for reasons explained in the previous episode. Your relentless negativity and Jim Davidson fans’ violent verbal abuse. Anyhow, Focgee - where the client is loved two point zero - recently provided me with a 550-slide PowerPoint presentation containing graphs about how to win intern podcasting awards, get better sponsors and listeners, and in particular how to increase female interest, and you’ll be noticing some of the benefits of this advice over the next few months. Some of the data are commercially sensitive, but I can share that while my revenues are down a little recently, costs are up an awful lot. Most concerning is that 98% of my listeners are male, and that proportion seems to both me and to the international ‘podcasting services’ team here at Focgee - where the client is loved two point zero - to be not representative of the global intern population. 

One of the Focgee - where the client is loved two point zero - recommendations for this podcast was that I should do an unpaid internship at a major international management consultancy firm, but not Bain or McKinsey because they are evil. During a podcast voice masculinity strategy meeting at their Canary Wharf office I bumped into Oliver Denton who leads the Sustainability Marketing team here. I use ‘bumped into’ in a literal sense here as everybody at Canary Wharf HQ wears a Virtual Reality headset and the beta version has a few collision issues. Oliver and I had a virtual lunch and quickly recognised the synergies between our respective values, and so now I’m here. And by ‘here’ I mean working from my bedroom, because only senior staff are allowed on the Canary Wharf HQ premises. By the way, I couldn’t intern for the ‘international ‘podcasting services’ team itself because of a potential conflict of interest; obviously I cannot in good faith provide management consultancy services to other podcasts, especially bearing in mind that Forbes has described the multi-billion Internship Podcast sector as one of 2025’s most cut-throat areas. Tell me about it.

I’ve signed a rather comprehensive Non-Disclosure Agreement with Focgee - where the client is loved two point zero - as part of my internship, and am not allowed to talk specifics about the projects I’m working on, and certainly not about the clients I’m loving. The most important part about loving clients two point zero is the protection of tax and other anonymity. So I cannot even hint at what I’m doing day-to-day there, except that I’m in the Sustainability Marketing team and this means that I help to communicate all of the great things that our clients are one day going to do for the environment. I’m an alchemist in a greenhouse, transmuting corporate mission into hypothetical green initiatives. I'm a sponge in a martini bar—soaking up all the spirits and conversations around me. And just when you think I'm saturated, I squeeze out a cocktail of ideas. I’m a ninja at a balloon show, moving through the shadows, mastering the art of not popping any egos while strategically inflating my own skills. I’m a pirate navigating the corporate archipelago. I plunder from the rich seas of knowledge, dodge the occasional bureaucratic cannonball, and map out uncharted territories in the strategy ocean. I am the estuary in Michael Pollan’s quote.

I know that some of you will not be aware of what an estuary is. You’ll know it has something to do with wetness, but the power of the metaphor is only properly apparent if you know that an estuary is a partially enclosed coastal body of water where freshwater from rivers and streams mixes with saltwater from the ocean. This unique environment creates a highly productive ecosystem characterised by nutrient-rich waters. What I am now with Focgee - where the client is loved two point zero - is this very special estuary and over the next few months I will become the sea, which represents Focgee itself - where the client is loved two point zero. I cannot wait to get wet and salty with you over the next few months.

This episode has necessarily been a little metaphor-heavy but I hope I’ve given you a sense of the vital work that I’m doing at Focgee - where the client is loved two point zero - without breaking confidentiality. You will have noticed that this podcast again comes to you with regular plane take-offs and landings. We have put up various towels and blankets so the sound should be dampened, but maybe you can still hear it. We’re stuck here for the foreseeable future and so I’ve decided that next week’s episode will investigate the economics of the airline industry... It’s a fascinating subject and I think it’s fair to say that we’re uniquely positioned as a podcast to do this.

I must also mention that at the end of the last episode you might have heard one side of an unfortunate argument between me and my then producer, Robert Barnes. That was not meant to be broadcast and you did not see the way that Robert was looking at me with his close-together eyes, crying like a baby, his left and right tears blending and rolling directly down the nose against the laws of nature, so please don’t judge me based on what I agree might sound like bullying. Robert is on one year’s unpaid gardening leave now and I’d like to place on record my appreciation for his help in the early episodes of this podcast, and my sincere hope that he sorts himself out because he’s on track to waste his podcasting life.

I would also like to read out a formal statement, and will not be commenting further on the matter beyond this. Begin statement. Internship-based podcast hosts are often under tremendous pressure to deliver, especially where large amounts of money, time, and reputations are at stake. Heightened emotions and occasional lapses in decorum are not only understandable but expected, with outbursts being an inevitable product of this professional pressure. The world is a violent place. Creative environments, particularly in high-stakes podcast studios, are intense and emotionally charged. These environments are inherently volatile, and conflicts are part of the process.  I am deeply invested in the authenticity of this podcast and refuse to be surrounded by those lacking that same commitment to quality and preservation of every episode topic's emotional integrity. A few screens are going to be smashed along any journey to a great internship podcast. End statement.

I’ve been your host, Guy Snapdragon. My producer is Lee Buckingham. Michael Webb is our Chief Legal Officer and Legal support comes from Paul Tout. Accountancy from Graham Cree. May you use your time wisely, and may your use of wise be timely.