Legal Problems

Guy pays tribute to a dead celebrity and encounters some expensive legal issues.

Transcript

Welcome to the one-hundred-and-thirteenth episode of The Undercover Intern podcast, coming to you live from the centre of London Luton Airport. I'm your host, Guy Snapdragon, and today is Monday the 31st of March 2025.

We are sponsored this week by The Maywentery Golf Course. Welcoming men of all abilities since 1923. There have been no murders on club premises in over two months.

Today’s episode will bring listeners up to speed with the variety of legal cases associated with this podcast. Any aspiring intern judges will want to listen to this episode very loudly. 

But first I want to pay tribute to Liam Payne. I know he died back in October, but I only found out today. One of his friends said, quote "His final meal was his favourite, chocolate-chip cookies." End quote. That's not a meal, though, is it? That's a cookie. That's like saying, his final book was his favourite, Reader, I married Him. That’s not a book, that’s four words from a much longer book. His final jigsaw puzzle was his favourite, that piece from the bottom-left corner. Cookies cannot be a favourite meal, can they, with or without chocolate chips? I get having a cookie as part of a meal, at the end. But a whole meal? That just doesn’t make sense to me, am I missing something? It perhaps helps to explain why he died so young though, if chocolate chip cookies were his idea of a meal. I mean, Liam’s death was caused by a fall from a great height. But realistically, how much longer did he have anyway with all those cookies clogging up his veins? But my respects Liam. We won’t do another minute’s silence because I’m over five months late and Liam wouldn’t want dead air. He was a professional.

Life is precious, make sure you have a will prepared by an accredited legal professional because we’re all going to die sooner than we think.

While we’re doing legal housekeeping, Ben Ross has apparently moved to Syria, which does not have an extradition treaty with the UK. It looks like we can add Ben to the list of murderers to evade our once-great justice system. There is a picture on Ben’s Facebook site which appears to show that he’s using Garry’s hollowed-out foot as a sort of penholder. I cannot judge the picture’s veracity, but that does look like Garry’s distinctive toe birthmark. I can also confirm that Garry’s left foot was never found, presumed eaten by alligator, and only the murderer himself and successful True Crime podcast hosts could possibly know this. Garry was on the organ donor list but I’m sure this isn’t what he had in mind and is the foot even an organ? All of his internal organs were too damp to be donated and so his death was absent of any real benefit. 

The world is complicated and frightening, and ends in death. We all know this. If you don’t already have a legal team on your side then perhaps my legal travails, which are just part of the deal for a globally successful podcaster, will hopefully prompt a rethink. Let’s kick off with bald narcissist Jeff Bezos. After my casual comment that he’s a "renowned liar," which I thought was a matter of public record, it appears we might meet inside of a courtroom. Jeff, if you're listening, how about a strategy chat instead of a protracted legal drama? I have a few ideas for how you can improve your ugly face. Next, there’s the situation at Focgee—where the client is loved two point zero— Breach of confidentiality is a serious accusation, and rightly so. I’m being sued for rather a lot of money in this case. On to Robert Barnes, former producer for The Undercover Intern podcast, whom I fired for incompetence. He’s claiming unfair dismissal amongst other things. You’re going to embarrass yourself if you take this any further, Robert.

The Princess Theatre in Torquay cancelled my live appearance and this brings up questions about artistic freedom. What’s the line between protecting delicate public sensibilities and stifling creative expression? Well, The Princess Theatre, I look forward to you finding out next month. See you in court, or should I say gwelaf di yn y llys. As for my criminal prosecution for inciting violence during episode 47 in Swansea. Well, the judge is going to throw this out on day one - how can I be responsible for words I myself didn’t understand? I didn’t know that Welsh was a real language and was the proverbial monkey performing Shakespeare when I apparently said that Tom Jones is disgustingly hairy. Then there's the criminal case against Jim Davidson and a few of his violent Twitter followers. You can begin to see why I have an in-house legal team?

What about moaning Mrs. Manley, whom I offended with accurate comments about her late husband. Her upcoming slander case is another reminder of the need for sensitivity. But it’s also a reminder for Mrs. Manley to accept that your husband was diminishing, was a carpet liability and for you to let this all go and try to enjoy the brief few years that you likely have remaining. 

[Me chewing] – Sorry, I’m having a chocolate-chip cookie as a mark of respect for Liam Payne. Can you hear me chewing? I’m still going to have a dinner-time meal, though. I’m not an idiot. This is just a snack.

I must also mention the criminal case against David Jarrett, for which I will be a reluctant witness for the prosecution. You’ll know him as my security guard, but before that David was employed by Focgee—where the client is loved two point zero— and was the chap who removed me from the office at Canary Wharf in January. I played down the severity of the assault at the time, but I am told that there was a little bit of internal bleeding onto my brain. Less than an egg-cup’s worth, but enough to interfere with the neurons and such. Anyway, shortly after recording episode 102, I was found wandering the streets in search of penguins (the chocolate bar, not the flightless bird) and collapsed in the street. My heart did apparently stop for a few hours and I had to have my left lung removed. They replaced it with a Whoopee Cushion-like contraption, but it doesn’t have the same functionality as my original lung. I get short of breath easily now, especially when running across runways or when I forget to breathe right-side.  David knows that you cannot almost kill an intern just because he’s misunderstood his work location arrangements. I will say that my relationship with David now is great, I would not have employed him if he wasn’t the best in the business and I’m a firm believer in second chances. He’s stood outside the studio as I speak, and I feel safe with his aptitude for violence near to me, but now entirely directed outwards and away from my own body. Sadly, I cannot allow David Jarrett to get away with what he did. I do have private criminal insurance and so he’ll shortly be hit with the full force of the law.

Lastly, there’s the class action lawsuit in the USA over safety issues with the perpetual alarm clock—which is being described in the liberal press as quote a wake-up call about consumer rights and product liability. Is that a pun? Well, as Martin Amis said, puns disrespect language, and all they manage to do is make words look stupid.

I forgot the lawsuit from Yo La Tengo. Maybe they’ve forgotten too.

Yesterday, us Brits lost an hour as we moved to British Summer Time. Seventy million hours were lost which is three million days. The average lifespan in the UK, outside of Glasgow, is 30,000 days, and so one hundred lives were lost. I’m going to stop this clock-changing madness and my case against The Royal Observatory Greenwich is going ahead in May. I want to state unequivocally that, although it interferes with it entirely, my case against The Royal Observatory Greenwich is in no way connected to the perpetual alarm clock. No, it goes back to my father telling me, when I was ten or eleven, that the 100 annual BST deaths always include naughty children who aren’t asleep at 1am when the clocks change, and that God stabs them in the eyes until they bleed to death. My insomnia was bad enough already but this made it much worse. To this day, even though I’m out of danger as I’m no longer a child, and even though I’m pretty sure my father was just pulling my leg, I cannot sleep the night of the clock change. I know I’m not the only one with childhood-onset BST-related insomnia.

I do realise that this podcast has veered into True Crime territory over the past few episodes. We’ll shortly find out if monthly listener numbers have increased and will make a decision about future topics accordingly. I can promise you that the only true crime next week’s marathon episode will be guilty of is delivering 24 hours of intern-related podcast gold. 

I’ve been your host, Guy Snapdragon. My producer is Lee Buckingham. Michael Webb is Chief Legal Officer and Legal support comes from Paul Tout, Simon Warwick and Matthew Rook. A formidable team of men. Accountancy from Graham Cree. Security from David Jarrett. May you use your time wisely, and may your use of wise be timely.