Nature

Guy gets arguably too close to nature.

Transcript

Welcome to the one-hundred-and-fifteenth episode of The Undercover Intern podcast, coming to you live from the centre of London Luton Airport. I'm your host, Guy Snapdragon, and today is Monday the 14th of April 2025.

We are sponsored this week by The Maywentery Golf Course. Welcoming men of all abilities since 1923. They would like me to announce that Lord Barrington has been accepted as a member. His was the sole successful application in this window. The next window to apply for membership will be late July, 2031.

I am sorry about last week. I didn’t sleep because of the damned clock change and I was putting in 20-hour days at Focgee—where the client is loved two point zero. I pushed myself too hard and hit the wall hard minutes into the show, really. I am so sorry. The worst part is that we only raised twelve pounds and 53 pence for our selected 2025 charity, The Maywentery Golf Course. I’m also sorry to all the guests who managed to somehow get through both airport and David Jarrett security, only to find in me an unpredictable mix with respect to coherence and consciousness. My body was telling me to rest, and, as those of you who listened for the full 24 hours can no doubt attest, a resting body does not a good charity marathon internship podcast make.

Let’s move on though. I will make it up to you. Today’s episode is an update at the halfway pointy in my internship at Focgee—where the client is loved two point zero— in the Sustainability Marketing team and, if I may, I would like to use by platform to highlight the urgency for action to protect nature. 

The battle to solve a global nature crisis requires a clear vision of the enemy: humankind is one option, though more euphemistically let’s fight a combination of climate change, pollution, destruction of habitats, overexploitation of natural resources, and invasive alien species. Waterboarding grey squirrels and punching Japanese knotweed is a laudable start, but I warn you from personal experience that these actions alone won’t bring victory (though I do now know where all the nuts are hidden).

Our soldiers are corporations and financial institutions, volunteers in a global army. (There is no conscription for corporate nature action yet yet, but that’s just a matter of time, especially for soldiers with more than 500 employees and an annual turnover of more than £500 million.) Then we’ll have five years to machine gun the Global Biodiversity Framework targets until they’re seriously fucked up and bloody.

There is, for me at least, too much war and violence in the world. I therefore apologise for the evocative language. But it reflects the seriousness of the subject. I’m sure you appreciate that I cannot talk specifics about my work at Focgee—where the client is loved two point zero. But I am scared for the future of our planet, and we are currently, and collectively, failing. Focgee—where the client is loved two point zero—can help companies implement a nature strategy and we’d love to hear from you. For some reason when I kept saying ‘love’ just then I thought of Bianca from Eastenders. It’s odd how one’s mind works. Some 25 years after my adolescent yearnings, Bianca suddenly pops into my consciousness? I admit that I was a little bit in love with her, and this got me into a bit of trouble. Such a strong and beautiful woman, who overcame so many challenges. Man, I hated Rickey … he was an average mechanic at best and always seemed to love Sam more than Bianca even though Sam was a feckless coke addict.

How can I describe Eastenders to non-familiars? Oh, only the most important TV documentary show in the UK. Better than that 7-up rubbish. If there is one piece of advice that I implore you all to take, even our new non-intern listeners, it’s to watch Eastenders. And it’s not one of those shows that you can just jump into and pick it up. These serialized narrative shows don’t are full of clever running jokes and logical steps that explain current bizarre behaviours that you won’t pick up on if you don’t listen, I mean watch, from the beginning. You’ll have to go back to the start of Eastenders, in 1985. There’s 7,000-plus episodes but only half an hour each so you’ll be caught up in half a year or so.

But we do need to save nature. Bianca loves animals. [Distant] Stop. Talking. About. Bianca. Oh, Bianca Snapdragon. What a sexy name that would be! Like a porn star! They’ll send you back, Guy. Stop… I love her.

Lee … what was that … oh my god, there’s a rat in the studio - the pigeons of the ground - and it’s just staring at me. Geddaway. Where did you get all that cheese? He’s not scared of me at all. Get the cloth, Lee. Let’s waterboard him…

I was reminded the other day of the thin line between making love to nature and of merely being a middle-aged man masturbating in a tree. I am the former but can totally understand that from the perspective of the ground looking up why the police were called. And may I formally take this opportunity to apologise to everybody associated with Bishop Fog-Blanket Primary School. My main mistake was a lack of understanding of school property rights and Easter Holiday dates and of course of failing to camouflage myself sufficiently. Horse Chestnuts are among the earlier trees to leaf out but I overestimated canopy cover and failed to contain my excitement after a long winter devoid of tree wanking opportunities. I absolutely do not apologise for being a tree wanker though, even though I know it’s still a taboo subject in southern England. 

The Tree Wanking Society, of which I am a proud member, was established in Bradford in 1988 and I frankly find it embarrassing that I need to defend myself almost 40 years later for partaking in what is a normal and widespread hobby in much of northern England and Norway. It’s simply a way of life for many communities, a way to deal with the stresses of modern life. Why it hasn’t caught on elsewhere I’ll never know but let me tell you, when you find that perfect supportive branch, and find a small twig to put up your bottom near the g-spot there is no better feeling in the world. You can be in the middle of a town or city but the ecosystem services delivered by that tree, from sound protection all the way to the myriad spiritual and aesthetic cultural services are remarkable. Of course there’s an element of danger, or ecosystem disservices, but if my demise comes from falling out of a wanking tree, then what a magical way to go. 

Please go to The Tree Wanking Society webpage if you’re ignorant about this topic. You’ll find a great illustrated history about the three pioneers of tree wanking, Bob Hoskins, Nancy Reagan and Stig Inge Bjørnebye. You’ll also find advice about how to avoid bark burn and information about how ejakilite helps most types of tree to grow. There’s a short documentary film from 2021 which shows how that awful covid-19 pandemic led to a resurgence in tree-wanking in many parts of the world, particularly in South America. Some of you will know that there is a movement, led by The Tree Wanking Society, for the sustainable management of forests and woodlands to produce wanking forests, whose sole purpose is the facilitation of safe places for people to wank in nature. I’ll be completely honest and say that this does not appeal to me. I value the hunt, if you like, of finding the perfect tree on my own. I sometimes get it wrong, like last week. But the thrill of finding a perfect tree to wank in would be ruined for me if I had access to a dedicated tree wanking forest. It’s the difference between swimming in the ocean and going to your local leisure centre pool. I’ll take the wild version rather than the sanitized version, thank you very much.

What I will say, though, is that Labour have been in power for almost a year now and if they do not act on their manifesto promise to tackle the stigma of tree wanking, which disproportionately affects Northern households, many voters will swing back to the Conservative Party or even the Liberal Democrats. I for one will be keeping a close eye on the local elections being held on 1st May and with no legislation in sight to allow masturbation in Sycamore or Beech trees I think Labour will suffer in the likes of Lancashire and County Durham. And they’ve only got themselves to blame; alongside healthcare and public transport, the most prominent issue in these areas is tree wanking, particularly in towns hard-hit by economic challenges. That simply cannot be done without making it legal to wank in a wider variety of tree species, and without reliable options for public transport to forests, including on a Sunday. Tree wanking policy is obviously devolved in Scotland and Wales, and it’s great to see some of the rewilding projects that are putting tree wanking habitats at the center of efforts.

You know, it was Fyodor Dostoevsky who said, quote, For in our age mankind has been broken up into self-contained individuals, each of whom retreats into his lair, trying to stay away from the rest, hiding himself and his belongings from the rest of mankind, and finally isolating himself from people and people from him. End quote. Dostoevsky was not, as far as I am aware, talking about tree wanking specifically. But just imagine the sense of isolation experienced by somebody from northern England, forced into being an economic migrant to London. Not only does he get teased for referring to dinner as ‘tea’, or his rough manual-worker hands. Not only that, but his main outlets to relieve stress, whether Rugby League, pipe-smoking or tree-wanking are ridiculed or worse in our capital city. Can you blame him for retreating to his lair, of hiding his true self out of shame and fear? All I ask of southerners is that the next time you see a clearly northern person rummaging around with themselves up a tree, just divert your eyes if it offends. Society is built on tolerance and the mutual acceptance of differences that allows diverse individuals to coexist peacefully and collaborate, forming the very foundation of social cohesion. Without tolerance, conflicts escalate and the social fabric unravels, making it impossible to maintain the structures and relationships that define a functioning society. Just let us tree wankers be, please.

I’ve been your host, Guy Snapdragon. My producer is Lee Buckingham. Michael Webb is Chief Legal Officer and Legal support comes from Paul Tout, Simon Warwick, Murray Mackey and Matthew Rook. Accountancy from Graham Cree. Security from David Jarrett. May you use your time wisely, and may your use of wise be timely.