Ask Me Anything

Guy opens up to his listeners, but regrets it and vows never to talk to them again.

Transcript

Welcome to the one-hundred-and-twenty-second episode of The Undercover Intern podcast, coming to you live from the centre of London Luton Airport. I'm your host, Guy Snapdragon, and today is Monday the 2nd of June 2025.

We are sponsored this week by The Maywentery Golf Course. Welcoming men of all abilities since 1923. Would you believe that there has been another hole-in-one, which means that in 2025 there have been more hole-in-ones than murders on the course! This time it’s Antony Worrall Thompson, and like with Bryan Ferry this was at the fifth hole. Maybe it’s too easy? This is a great prize though: Antony Worrall Thompson gets to ride on the London Eye with Benedict Cumberbatch’s brother. Oh, to be a fly on the glass for that conversation.

I have spent most of this week reading through a mountain of email correspondence. I had to close lines of communication back in February and so it has been a deep pleasure to read your messages of support. 

I made a little error in the last episode when I announced a silent blind auction, in that I did not say what the prize was. Understandably, that meant that there were very few bids and so I’m going to extend the deadline until this Sunday, June 8th. Just send your bid to the  undercoverinternguy@gmail.com and I’ll announce the winner in the next episode.

I’m delighted that Bruce from Sydney has been in touch again. We last heard from Bruce in January where he told us that he was considering adopting what I initially thought was a little human, but which turned out to be a cat. Bruce promised to keep in touch and he has indeed adopted an adorable little kitten called Molly, and Bruce says that he never realised how attached cats are to their owners, and that his particularly loved to sleep in the hood of his coat when she was smaller. Apparently, she’s taken to demolishing fences and has a peculiar diet of only grass and flowers. And get this—she can now touch the ceiling of his house. Bruce even sent over a picture. Hold on... Okay, Bruce, unless you're unusually short, my friend, I’m pretty sure that’s not a cat. That must be four foot tall, and it’s bipedal. Look at those legs, Bruce, they could launch a rocket. It’s got a pouch, for god’s sake. Molly’s a kangaroo, Bruce.

The first ama is from Becky in Leamington Spa. She says that her boyfriend insists that men’s public toilets have urinals and that there’s no privacy in there at all. Her question is whether that’s true. Well I don’t see that I’m in a position to answer this question any better than your boyfriend, Becky, but yes, male public toilets have five urinals in a row and there is limited separation in between. There are usually a couple of cubicles with doors too but they’re not fit for human use. It’s also true to say that almost every man uses the fourth urinal furthest from the entrance, and the others are mainly just for show. It’s rude to use the first two nearest the entrance as they should be for elderly or pregnant people. Nobody ever uses the third apart from alphas because there’s some territorial dominance swear at play there. The only men who use the furthest urinal have something to hide. So by elimination you use the fourth urinal, and if it’s in use the convention is to queue up immediately behind the urinator, while humming your national anthem. If you’re desperate, using urinal number two is acceptable but you’ll need to produce an audibly powerful stream immediately, to prove urgency.

The next ama, let’s see. Great, it’s from Carlos in Rio. He says that back in episode 101 I stated that my new year’s resolution was to literally redefine the word ‘intern’. Carlos asks whether I’m on track to achieve this, and if so would the definition be, quote, somebody unable to find any paid or unpaid work in any country in the world, and who is homeless and middle-aged and fat? End definition. Was your new year’s resolution to be a sarcastic swear, Carlos?

Here’s a hopefully more constructive ama here. OK, it’s from Trevor G in Inverness. He wants to know, if it had to be done to save the planet, which animal I would have sex with. A dolphin, Trevor. They’re so smooth and friendly, with that lovely little squeaky noise they make when they’re excited. Also, they live in water so it would be hygienic. I’m not a strong swimmer so I don’t know how it would work in practice, maybe we could rent out the shallow end of a Leisure Centre pool for a couple of hours? It would have to be a freshwater dolphin then, do they mind a bit of chlorine? It’s not just how they look or feel, dolphins are incredibly intelligent, and can even understand human commands. That would make it easier for consent etc. Can you honestly think of a more sleek, hydrodynamic body than that of a dolphin? Their expressive happy faces and graceful sexy movements …. I’m sorry, I’ve forgotten the question. Ah, yes. If I had to save the planet I would be prepared to have sex with a consenting adult dolphin? Yes, Trevor G, I would do that to save humanity.

Think about this for just a moment. You can kill and eat a turkey, but you cannot have sex with one. As a society, have we taken a wrong turn somewhere when it’s OK to torture, murder and eat another species, but it’s taboo to lay down in love with them?

My next question is from Roy in Bordeaux. He says that surely a pre-requisite for a podcast host is being able to pronounce words correctly. Listening to last week’s episode it appears that you can barely string two words together without making a mistake…. OK, that’s not even a question, is it? What the swear do you do, Roy? You try presenting a weekly podcast while learning how to breathe fire. There’s going to be vocal chord damage, and yet I still manage to produce every single week. Roy sounds like the name of a swear. Are you a swear, Roy? No more French people on this podcast, that’s it.

We don’t seem to have any questions about my years of podcasting success, or about how I manage to give so much to interns but ask for very little in return apart from your multiple votes. If this was The RedIntern podcast, Adolf would just make up questions that make him sound amazing but I have integrity and so won’t do this. I’d love it if we had questions from dentists, do you know any dentists, Adolf?

We do have a new riddle sent in by ‘Anonymous’ – please put your names and location on correspondence. Anonymous says that he loved the riddles, but thinks that I should be the one answering them, what with all of the free time I have now that I’m unemployed. Fair enough. Here goes the question from Anonymous and I promise I’ve not read this in advance and will try to solve it live in this podcast: You are in a sauna with 12 attractive men. You are temporarily blind because you have viscous yellow liquid in each of your eyes and your hands are tied tightly behind your back. You will be whipped if you speak. Eleven of the men have genitals that are exactly the same, but one man is slightly different in girth - he could be wider or narrower, you don’t know which. On doctor’s orders, you can only put male genetalia in your mouth three times a day, but you can put more than one man’s genitals in at once. Your mouth is particularly sensitive and you can tell which half of your mouth contains the most girthy genetalia. How do you figure out the man with the different genital girth, in only three uses of your mouth? End riddle. Ok, I don’t think I’m going to answer this one, and not because I can’t. I’d put four genitals in each side of my mouth to start with, so a total of eight, but I’m not falling for this, I think Anonymous is trying to make fun of my riddle from last week and I’m so sorry if children are listening. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with a man putting another man’s genitals in his mouth, or even multiple genitals in at once, so long as it’s consensual, but I think Anonymous is being homophobic. For what it’s worth, if the respective girths were different in the first mouth, I’d next line up three men from the girthier genital group and use my mouth to judge their genitals against the genitals of three men from the less-girthy group. But again, this is an unrealistic riddle and I’m not going to waste my time answering it, even though I’m more than capable.

It’s been quite an adult episode, hasn’t it, what with the chat about male toilets, necessary humanity-saving human-dolphin sex and the fellating of multiple attractive men? Is this what happens when I try to involve my listeners? I’m not sure if this episode has helped interns in any way so far? Maybe I can select a quote to elevate this episode. George Saunders, can you rescue us, please? Quote, Why was it, she sometimes wondered, that in dreams we can’t do the simplest things? Like a crying puppy is standing on some broken glass and you want to pick it up and brush the shards off its pads but you can’t because you’re balancing a ball on your head. End quote. Dreams are remarkable aren’t they, and I think we all love to hear about other people’s dreams. I have been having a couple of recurring dreams, though I can barely sleep these days because of the childhood-onset BST-related insomnia. In the first dream I’m running down London Luton runway and looking anxiously over my shoulder as I’m being chased by a giant eagle who’s about to pick me up and presumably eat me. In the other dream, I’m stood on a stage with a microphone, but I’m performing only to a gang of turkeys and all I’m able to say is gobble gobble over and over. Like I have this detailed and really funny script but when I read it, what comes out is just gobble gobble gobble gobble. The turkeys don’t seem to be laughing.

The eagle, often a symbol of freedom, here becomes a menacing presence in my life. Meanwhile, the turkeys—pathetic, flightless birds—mirror feelings of being trapped or misunderstood. Clearly the meaning is that I am in constant mental pain and just want one person on this planet to love me and protect me from those who constantly attack me and want me to die. But nobody loves me, and I’m entirely alone. It’s all well and good to get fan mail from interns, and I do appreciate it, but you don’t have any power and cannot help me. What a horrible ama that was. These were the best questions? What a depressing insight into the kind of listeners we’re getting nowadays. We should go back to the subscription intern-only model. Everything is getting too much. I’m just so lonely and scared all the time. Please vote for me if you want to help. I need to win this year.

Anyway, thanks for listening. We’ll be back next week with more essential intern-related content.

I’ve been your host and producer, Guy Snapdragon. Michael Webb is Chief Legal Officer and Legal support comes from Paul Tout, Simon Warwick, Murray Mackay and Matthew Rook. Accountancy from Graham Cree. Security from David Jarrett. May you use your time wisely, and may your use of wise be timely.