Trip To America

Guy spends some time in a chaotic and dangerous country.

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Good Morning Burbank! I’m recording this on Friday 13th of June just a few miles from downtown Los Angeles from a Five Guys restaurant in Burbank Town Center Mall. I’m waiting for my niece who came over with me as she’s had to pop into hospital. Nothing serious. What a week we’ve had! But before we get into that, many congratulations to Anonymous who has won the silent blind auction, by quite some way actually, with a bid of 696,969 pounds and 69 pence. Please make the payment using cash or the bank details I’ve shared with you privately, and then we can get on with the Developed Vetting Security.

I forgot my normal introduction for this podcast! I’m just so goddamn excited to be here in the land of the free and the home of abortion bans. 

We are sponsored this week by The Maywentery Golf Course. Welcoming men of all abilities since 1923. Did you know that 43% of all the world’s golf courses are in the USA, that’s almost 17,000 courses. Imagine just how many total golf swear there are in America. Donald Trump likes golf, a lot.

You may already know, but Donald Trump is the president in the USA again, and that is absolutely insane, as in seriously mentally ill. Is this what happens when a nation is built upon the logic of free markets and slave labour? Who are the ones left in charge? Killers, thieves and lawyers. God’s away on business…

Our quote this week is from David Milch. Quote. When you go to Las Vegas, that city is organised intentionally to obliterate the disciplines of time. The entire environment is contrived to assault the individual sensibility with the symbols of the American definition of success and to make accessible the most garish versions of the American definition of success, absent the constraints of time and history … it is the embodiment of a system gone mad, which has recognised that human beings can be made to want anything based on association. As long as you have the symbol agreed upon, which is currency, you can be part of a self-sufficient and perpetual alternative reality. End Quote.

[sound of rifle fire] Did you hear that? Hold on a second. I think it’s coming from Claire’s which is a hair and ear accessory store. We get Claire’s in the UK on most high streets and they’re full of pink and purple tat for making your neck and head look pretty. Oh, yes there’s some angry looking chap with a gun there, it doesn’t look like he’s robbed the place though, he’s all in black and he’s coming this way. He’s just gone in to the Forever 21 store next to me [sound of gunshots]. For those of you who don’t know, Forever 21 is a fast-food restaurant but with clothing. They’ve been involved in various controversies that include labor practice issues and copyright infringement accusations. Please listen to episode 117 if you want to know more about intellectual property. [gunshots]. This gunman is absolutely insatiable, he’s just walked into Victoria’s Secret which I don’t know too much about, but I think is another women’s store so he’s got no reason to go in there unless he’s getting a late mother’s day present or something. This chap looks palely focussed and he might be one of those incels that you hear about. I’m not sure why he’s wearing a trenchcoat in this heat [gunshots] but anyway I think we’re OK to carry on, I’m probably not a target and it looks like the police are dealing with him now. If you let mass shootings affect you, then the gunman’s won. Everybody here is used to it and I think we’re fine, especially as I can breathe fire if he gets too close. Where was I, yes I was telling you what a wonderful week my niece and I have had. We flew into Las Vegas on Tuesday and it’s really as magical as David Milch describes. Just one night there and then I had to give evidence in Los Angeles. And yesterday we went to the dentist for my perpetual alarm clock installation. Tomorrow we were planning on going to Disneyland Park but my niece Eloise isn’t feeling great and so we might have to cancel.

I cannot tell you too much about court, except I apologise again to the judge for arriving late. We lost track of time and I didn’t realise that Las Vegas and Los Angeles were different places and quite so far apart. We had to get a taxi all the way to court and the driver kept getting lost. Did you know that in America, when a taxi reverses the fare goes down, which makes sense but is also amazing. The USA really is the greatest country on this planet. Please listen to episode 109 for a full breakdown of what makes America so special. [A few more gunshots]. Could I just get the check please, no rush.

As I said during my evidence, with any new product, especially one as innovative as the perpetual alarm clock, there are going to be safety issues. That said, I’m as alarmed as anybody, no pun intended, of reports that if two perpetual alarm mouth wearers kiss too energetically there is a small explosion risk. By small I refer to the risk likelihood and not to the explosion itself, which apparently is unfortunately really very big.  I respect the FDA’s investigative process and until it’s confirmed that the recent spike in concurrent dual-head-explosions across America are linked to the perpetual alarm clock then I see no reason to withdraw the product. I echo official advice for users to moderate your mouth shenanigans just in case, but I’d recommend this for hygiene reasons anyway. Like Trump says, quote, try drinking bleach too as it’ll help, I’m not a doctor but I am the leader of the free world, so swear it, drink bleach to stop your head exploding. End quote. Thankfully, the breast enhancement surgery option is being rolled out across the USA now, for right breasts, and so just to be safe that might be the better option going forward.

There have also been a number of robberies of perpetual alarm clocks. But don’t blame the alarms, blame the owners. Mouth locks are available from all good pet stores and it’s highly recommended that you wear one on your mouth every night and also if you’re walking in a not-yet-gentrified neighbourhood. Nobody wants to hear stories of criminals hammering the perpetual alarm clock out of your mouth. But if you wear the mouth lock, then without the pin code even the largest hammer cannot remove your alarm, however much a person smashes at your face. You know, porsches and diamonds are stolen every day, but you don’t hear calls for them to be banned. Why is it so different with the perpetual alarm clock? Just take some basic mouth lock precautions and avoid vigorous kissing and you’ll be fine. 

I am proud to say that I had the perpetual alarm clock installed yesterday afternoon, via the dental route, I opted for general anesthetic and it was painless. It woke me up at 4am this morning but I’ll only be on the West Coast for a couple more nights and so it’s not a big problem. Let me tell you a little bit about my niece, Eloise. She’s lovely but is one of the most stubborn and headstrong thirteen-year olds you could ever meet. She’s doing great at school, loves horses and is a real credit to my younger brother, also called Guy. She’s going to make a great female intern one day. I’m a tiny bit worried about her at the moment because she’s in the hospital with a suspected sepsis infection but she’ll pull through, I’m sure. She’s constantly telling me that I’m her favourite uncle and she’s super proud of all of my internship podcast achievements. But my, is she stubborn and relentless when she wants something. She really has me twisted around her little finger too. I’d do anything for Eloise, I really would. I paid for her horse and its upkeep before it ran away, which wasn’t cheap. I love her.

I wouldn’t call Eloise manipulative as such, but she certainly knows how to get what she wants. I remember a couple of years ago when she basically forged a letter from her father saying that she’d be going on the school trip to France even though he said she couldn’t go, because of his prejudice against French people. She has a great talent for replication and impersonation, I wouldn’t be at all surprised to see her interning at a theatre some day. The only bad thing about this week has been her constant badgering to let her get a perpetual alarm clock fitted. She kept telling me that she’s voted for me to win the Interns’ Choice Award over 500 times, and how Adolf Hitler should be a dead man. You know, really trying to manipulate me. In spite of that, I told her that without her father’s permission she couldn’t have it and my brother, Guy, was totally against it. But she has this ability to wear me down and I hate to see her disappointed. Then you have all this negative publicity with the perpetual alarm clock and, as its inventor, I have a responsibility to demonstrate that it is safe. I’m no John Gummer, but it’s powerful to walk the talk sometimes and I think the perpetual alarm clock is going to be the most important invention of the 21st century and I won’t have it ruined by this head explosion nonsense.

I won’t lie, it was a relief when the dentist said that Eloise’s mouth isn’t sufficiently developed for installation yet. But you’ve not met Eloise, when I say she’s thirteen you likely picture innocence … but a manipulator is what she is. When I woke up from the anesthetic there she was, being all caring and getting me to sign autographs for her friends who a big fans of The Undercover Intern Podcast. Or that’s what I thought, but it turns out she’d apparently tricked me into signing parental waivers for her to get a right breast enhancement with the perpetual alarm clock implant option. I’d have never allowed a dentist to do it if I’d been properly conscious. I was duped. What does a dentist know about breast enlargement surgery? Not much, it turns out.

If my younger brother Guy is listening, I’ll pay for her sepsis treatment even though I can’t get a refund from Disneyland Park. She’ll pull through, I’m sure. She’s got so much to live for. I’m going to go and sit with her now. They say they can hear you speak so I’ll give her your love.

[Distant] Thanks, it sounds like the shooter’s down? Friday the 13th unlucky for some, eh! [laugh]. Cheers, yummy burger. [Loud] What the swear - they’ve added a 20% tip for the waiter and a 15% tip for the chef. Is that normal here? It’s enough to make you vote in a demagogue as president. 

I’ve been your host and producer, Guy Snapdragon. Michael Webb is Chief Legal Officer and Legal support comes from Paul Tout, Simon Warwick, Murray Mackay and Matthew Rook. Accountancy from Graham Cree. Security from David Jarrett. May you use your time wisely, and may your use of wise be timely.