Life Lessons

Guy tries to help his listeners, one last time.

Transcript

Welcome to the one-hundred-and-twenty-seventh and final episode of The Undercover Intern podcast, coming to you live from Hemel Hempstead Hospital. I'm your host, Guy Snapdragon, and today is Monday the 7th of July 2025.

We are sponsored this week by depression.

I didn’t think I’d be speaking to you again. I didn’t think I’d survive another week. I’m pretty sure that this will be the last episode, so I want to say goodbye and to also give you my top ten ideas for life. Obviously Ray Dalio has already done this much better than I ever could. Critics have said that his principles for life are banal and lack originality, that his book is repetitive and tedious, that his elitist arrogance and self-aggrandizement show him to be out of touch with the realities that most people face, that he is devoid of empathy and over-simplifies the complexity of life into pithy nonsense. But what, exactly, do critics know? I used Dalio’s book religiously. The hardback version is also an effective defensive shield if you’re being attacked by a herd of female Welsh farmers.

Here are my ten ideas. Thank you for listening to me, and sorry that this is the end.

My first idea is for a podcast series. What happens is that someone who cannot remember films has to describe them. Two other people have to guess which movie the person is thinking about. They can ask questions. There might be different themes, like movies about ashtrays or movies from the 1990s. Use a laugh track so the audience knows what’s funny. My second idea is for a sitcom set in a restaurant, like The Bear, but funny and all the food is invisible. This isn’t acknowledged by anybody, so you have this situation where waiters pretend to carry full trays and diners eat off of empty plates. Using invisible food can reduce the complexity of shooting scenes involving food, such as avoiding issues with continuity and the physical preparation of dishes. Most actors find it easy to pretend to chew and so you can have all these extras in the background just chomping away. There could be catchphrases and jokes about how there’s a lot of calories in the food. Another TV show idea, though I’m not sure if this is a comedy or a drama, but it’s about a burglar with imposter syndrome. Whenever he breaks into a house he has an existential crisis and like does he belong here, shouldn’t he leave all the stealing to more serious thieves. Maybe in one episode he could go and speak to the owner of the house he’s in the middle of burgularising and ask for career advice. There’s lots of room for bathos in this. My fourth idea I’ve written down in my notebook just says, Music, dance, comedy, surprise, improvisation, vitality. That’s a bit abstract, but maybe one of you could do something with it. My fifth idea is a movie where an Offsite Leasing Specialist has an accident. I think that’s pretty self-explanatory. My sixth idea is I think probably TV, though it could be a podcast or even a short film. It’s a show about a vending machine. It only takes notes, and only gives back coins. So it’s really arrogant, right, and you could put a couple of googly eyes on it so it looks more like an animal. Maybe eventually it could start talking and being really sarcastic. Like, when someone uses it, it could say, are you sure you want that kit-kat you fat swear? Maybe it has an Italian or a Brooklyn accent. Also it could be moved about so different characters interact with it. Like in a hospital, or a doctor’s or a health clinic or whatever. An anthology series, maybe. At night it walks. My seventh idea is for a cover band. So you have a 50 cent tribute act that’s based in England and is called 39 pence. If the exchange rate changes, the act can change its name. So if the dollar strengthens, then the act might be called 38 cents. Obviously the act would tour and perform and such. Whatever country you’re in you change name accordingly, so performing in Paris you would be 46 Euros, or in Buenos Aires seven billion pesos. My eighth idea is just a woman on a horse, going somewhere really important, her hair blowing everywhere. Maybe a video game? My ninth idea is an advert for a bank. You have three couples, right, and they’re all a mix of multi-racial and gay and in a wheelchair. One is in a coma but looks reasonably content. There are pillow fights and someone’s eating sourdough bread. At the end have the bank logo and a caption that says: “Banking For Everyone.” My tenth idea is for a new language symbol to eradicate the scourge of semi-colon cancer, and it’s just an upside-down semi-colon for when you’re not sure whether to use a colon or a semi-colon.

So there you have it. Please use any of these ten ideas in your life. Why should you take life advice from someone who has failed and is about to end their own life by suicide? That’s a really great question. I can’t answer it.

We ended last week’s episode with protestors outside the studio. As I just alluded to, the female Welsh farmers got to me pretty soon afterwards. Dalio held them off for a bit but they eventually held me down and sawed off my left-hand little finger. Then they made me eat it, which is as difficult as it sounds. Jim Davidson was throwing snooker balls at me, but luckily most of them missed. Kevin Whately was just standing there looking gormless, like in an early episode of Inspector Morse. I could hear Greg Rutherford jumping around on the roof of the studio. Then the female Welsh farmers shaved the hair off my head with a sickle. They kept asking me about crop rotation techniques and I had no idea what to say. The female Welsh farmers were about to begin tickling me, which I absolutely hate, when the police ambled into the studio. I say ambled because this did not feel like a rescue. I was arrested for stalking some bloke called Patsy Palmer, who I’ve never heard of, and taken away.

Our trip to the police station quickly became a trip to hospital. I mean, would you not section someone who’s eating their own finger while pleading with you to vote for them? I was also trying to tell them about suicide suitcases and Disneyland and head explosions and perpetual breast alarms. Overall, I probably wasn’t making too much sense to non-podcast listening police-people. And so here we are. The only bed available for me was in the Maternity Ward at Hemel Hempstead hospital and I’ve been here a week now. Nurses keep coming in to check on my dilation and one insisted on booking me in for a cesarean section. I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve told them that I don’t have a cervix. What I would say, though, is that they have treated me with kindness and while Mental Health sectioning gets a bad wrap, sometimes it’s completely necessary.

I know how much I lie. I know how damaged I am. But I also know that I am beautiful. We are all beautiful. Those brief moments when I feel connected and see pathos in somebody’s eyes. I know what you’re going through. I wish I could tell you this, to say that it’s OK to be frightened by everything, and to tell you that you are an essential part of something and that you are loved.

That’s it, the sum of my life. Everything is nothing. There are good parts in each day. There are bad parts in each day. Neither really matter. Worry about the future, or don’t. It doesn’t matter. Either way, the future will happen. Be present and love. That’s all there is.

I am escaping from hospital now, before the cesarean, and I’ve already stolen four litres of morphine. I think that’ll be enough to get everything finished for me this evening, I am going to drown in the River Gade nearby. Sorry this final episode is a bit shorter than normal but I’ve said all I want to say. I’m sorry that I let you down. Be kind to each other.

I was your host, Guy Snapdragon. May you use your time wisely, and may your use of wise be timely.