A Higher Power

Guy might just be making some life-errors, and placing too much faith in somebody who is not good for his long-term interests.

Transcript

Welcome to the one-hundred-and-thirtieth episode of The Undercover Intern podcast, coming to you live from the centre of London. I'm your host, Guy Snapdragon, and today is Monday the 4th of August 2025.

We are sponsored this week by John Smith’s Podcast Zoo. 

Let me tell you a bit more about our fantastic new sponsor. John Smith’s Podcast Zoo offers respite in London where you can discover amazing audio professionals and share incredible memories of our leaping, roaring, squawking podcast world. You’ll experience genres from True Crime all the way to Fictional Crime and can see over 60 real-life podcasters in their natural habitats. Discover key facts – from the foods they eat to the threats they face in the wild. And find out how we’re tackling these threats and protecting endangered podcasters with our global podcaster conservation work. 

Full disclosure, The Undercover Intern lives now at John Smith’s Podcast Zoo, and increasingly speaks in the third person. Visit him at 9am any day for feeding time or between 7pm and 8pm on weekdays to watch him eat fire and work on this very podcast. He mostly rests otherwise and has become rather crepuscular so there’s not much to see during the day. But each podcaster is different and an increasing number are nocturnal, so John Smith’s Podcast Zoo is open 24 hours a day. There are special crossover podcasting events throughout August, so check out John Smith’s Podcast Zoo’s website for further details. 

Full disclosure. My profits now go to John Smith, who is my zookeeper and my landlord. But in return I get moated accommodation, Enya’s greatest hits, a hefty breakfast at 9am every day, free bananas any time of the day, a slightly-private bathroom, regular visitors, and fresh hay every second Sunday. Most of my career has been spent as a wild podcaster, but my new set up provides me with stability and security, albeit with vastly curtailed freedom.

I want to make it absolutely clear that Generalized Podcast Anxiety Disorder, G-PAD, is not correlated with paedophilia. GRAD definitely is, but G-PAD most definitely is not. Because of p-hacking and the publication bias towards quote ‘exciting’ results, you won’t find academic journal proof that G-PAD and paedophilia are totally unconnected. But take it from me that an anxious podcaster is no more likely to sexually molest a child than an anxious factory worker or an anxious surfer. An anxious radio presenter, on the other hand, should never be left alone with a twelve-year old, but it’s perfectly fine for an anxious podcaster to spend extended periods of time alone with that same twelve-year old, so long as they have not transitioned from radio. There’s a reluctance from some Daily Mail-reading parents to allow their children into John Smith’s Podcast Zoo but I put it to you that your child is in more danger with a lion in an animal zoo than they are with the average podcaster in a podcast zoo. John Smith’s Podcast Zoo has a strict no-touching policy, and that applies to podcasters themselves as well as visitors. So even if a handful of our 60-odd podcasters are paedophiles they aren’t allowed to do anything about it. Trust me, the lions in London’s Animal Zoo would happily rip apart and eat your child, but does that stop you from allowing your children to gawp at them? No, because there are extensive safety measures in place, just like there are with all paedophile podcasters at John Smith’s Podcast Zoo.   

I want this podcast to be beautiful again. I really want to recapture the feeling of community that we had early on. Step four of Podcasters Anonymous includes a fearless moral inventory and I admit that have failed, because of podcast addiction. I allowed fear and resentment to knock me off my path. You know, I remember my joy when I first hit a million downloads towards the end of 2023. But if I’m honest it only lasted for a few hours. There’s always another milestone to aim for. Do you know that a million downloads is only one person out of every 8,000 on the planet? How is this anything other than a failure? These are the patterns of thought that I need to avoid in the future. Sure, I’ve been proximate to some deaths but I’ve also saved countless lives with my advice. And I cannot change the past, all I can do is recognise my failings and ask for help to remove any defects of character that remain so that I can be a force for good in the present. 

Quote. Childhood is long and narrow like a coffin, and you can’t get out of it on your own. End quote. That’s from Tove Ditlevsen and I was thinking the other day how childhood is like an internship at being adult. Some child interns don’t make it. It’s tough in 2025 for a child and I vow here and now to make it my life’s purpose to help youngsters out of the coffin of childhood and into podcasting. Per Step 11, I am praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out. But I also need schools in London to let me in, supervised if need be, to help these poor children. Remarkably, podcasting is not yet on the school curriculum in England. All I want to do is to demonstrate the path to podcasting, whether in a zoo or in the wild. You just need a good story and a good microphone. And a good teacher.

My future, and the future of this podcast, is to be that teacher. But I cannot do this without first removing the stench of GRAD and G-PAD paedophilia. I also know that many parents are worried about the perils of concussion for young podcasters. On the latter I’ll just say that advances in helmet technology have significantly enhanced protection against head injuries. Modern helmets are designed to absorb and dissipate sound waves more effectively. If a concussion is suspected in an under-17, there are immediate protocols for evaluation and management, including removing the child podcaster from the studio and requiring medical clearance before returning. Responsible youth podcasts limit podcast length to 5-minutes per week, and there are modified rules to decrease the intensity and likelihood of high-impact noises. In summary, the dangers of both concussion and paedophilia in child podcasting are minimal in 2025. The helmets provide basic protection against would-be paedophiles too.

Less than a month ago, I tried to end my life. It’s quite remarkable that today I have such hope for my future. I’m living in the present with the twelve steps and under the protection of my landlord and zookeeper. Truly, can anything actually harm me? Yes, John Smith is my zookeeper, landlord and Higher Power. I have decided to turn my will and my life over to the care ofJohn Smith who will remove all defects of character. 

I’ve had to stop seeing Laura Kelly as it’s dangerous to have too many therapists and her methods conflict with those of John Smith. She wouldn’t stop talking about David Milch anyhow. My experience is that there’s only room for one Higher Power for each of us, and at various points in my life I’ve tried God, Allah, Yahweh, Brahman, Kami, Odin and The Great Spirit, all to no avail. Well, it’s time for me to try John Smith, in line with my spiritual and podcasting needs. Above all, I need a clear and consistent framework for understanding the podcasting world and my place in it. 

Full disclosure. John Smith and I are having sexual relations. But it’s not sex in a conventional sense. I’m very rarely erect, for example, and tend to be fully clothed. We both cry a lot. Tears of recovery. John Smith is always naked and erect. Podcast Zoo visitors can watch, though I’m afraid that the sexual relations can happen at any time, and there’s a real capriciousness to events. Sometimes it’s oral, sometimes he just puts his penis in and around my ears, sometimes it’s just a cuddle or a microphone hand-job. He likes me to dress up as him, as part of my therapy. He likes to wake me up by spreading his ejakilit across my sleeping eyes, as part of my therapy. Everything is filmed, as part of my therapy.

So please get in touch at Undercover Intern Guy all one word at Gmail dot com, that’s undercoverinternguy@gmail.com if you are able to arrange for me to visit your school or youth club. Anywhere within the M25 is fine for me and I’ll work with kids of all ages to get them podcast-ready, whether for the zoo or in the wild. So long as they can talk they can podcast, that’s actually one of my mottos.

Full disclosure. Every child or adult who joins John Smith’s Podcast Zoo will be branded with the initials JSPZ using a cauterizing pen. I am not going to lie and say that it doesn’t hurt. It hurts like hell. In all likelihood you’ll lose at least one of your nipples. But I’m getting ahead of myself. Only the most talented will have the opportunity to join John Smith’s Podcast Zoo, and you’ll need to demonstrate an exceptional acceptance of the natural master-slave pyramid system.

Full disclosure. If you join John Smith’s Podcast Zoo you will legally have to change your birthday to 26 April for competition and intellectual property purposes. If you were actually born on 26 April you cannot join John Smith’s Podcast Zoo. I’m sorry, but it’s not safe.

I’ve been your host, Guy Snapdragon. My producer is Robert Barnes. May you use your time wisely, and may your use of wise be timely.