Crossover

Guy learns about cows.

Transcript

Welcome to the one-hundred-and-thirty-second episode of The Undercover Intern podcast, coming to you live from the centre of London. I'm your host, Guy Snapdragon, and today is Monday the 18th of August 2025.

We are sponsored this week by John Smith’s Podcast Zoo. 

What a crossover we have for you today. There’s an audience of some 80-odd zoo visitors, and we’ll shortly be joined by the host of The Beef & Dairy Network Podcast, the number one podcast for those involved or just interested in the production of beef animals and dairy herds. Eli Roberts will also be here, to bring us stories of his time living in the demilitarized zone in Korea as well as tips for interns looking to establish mosquito theme parks. 

You all know my position on milk, and the privilege I feel each time I drink the life-power of a cow. I have so much respect for the work that The Beef & Dairy Network does to promote ungulates, and aspiring interns best suited to manual work have few better options than a farming internship. Farmers do have a heightened risk of suicide, and suicide is unfortunately the only option for beef farmers if sirloin steak prices fall precipitously.

I’m not sure when they’re going to join us. Soon hopefully as I have loads of questions for them and I’m no good at filler, We’ll all just have to go home, or back to our living quarters. [20 seconds of silence and some audience murmuring]. This is starting to become disrespectful. I despise lateness. Where the fuck are they? I can’t do a crossover episode on my own. [Another 20-30 seconds of silence and murmuring]. [Phone rings] Hello, yes, where are you? [Gap] No, I like Neil Kinnock, that was the whole point. I just thought he got over-excited ahead of the 1992 general election and… no, just wait, let me explain …. OK, I get that but.. [Gap] He’s the one who fell over on the beach … Seriously? What, he can talk? [Gap] No not yet. [Gap] No. [Gap] You’re showing disrespect to the most important internship podcaster of his generation. You’ll pay for this… [Hooves]. Oh, I think he’s coming, Ellsworth is it? OK, well it is what it is. You’ll pay for this, but I’ve got a podcast episode to do. [Gap] OK, OK. Eli won’t be here either? [Gap] OK. [Louder hooves]. He’s scaring the audience, I need to go. OK, bye.

OK everyone, don’t panic. This is Ellsworth, the most sophisticated AI cow in the world… Hello Ellsworth, we’ll need to raise your microphone a bit. Hold on a sec. A slight change of plan, everyone. I was expecting humans, but we’ll be OK. The host of The Beef & Dairy Network Podcast refuses to share a stage with me because he’s Welsh and thinks I have disrespected Neil Kinnock. He disrespected himself in 1992, actually, behaving like a rock star before the election was even won. But we’ve been sent an ample replacement, as you can see. This is Ellsworth, and I’m assured that he’s the most sophisticated artificial cow in the world, and indeed is able to speak. Ellsworth, is this correct? 

… Maybe he’s shy. I actually have a load of questions related to all things cow. I think it’s best that we just go through them, and where you’re able, you just jump in. It’s lovely to meet… [Interrupted] Yes, I can talk, but there’s usually a delay.

Ah, OK. We’ll do our best. Or moo our best! [Boos from crowd]. Tough crowd. It can’t be worse than the Brian Caithness interview. OK. First question, 


What do you say to humans who find drinking the milk of another mammal, for want of a better word, a little bit icky? OK, I’ll just keep going and answer any of the questions whenever you’re ready.
Have you ever given your milker a good old kick to the head?
Do the fat globules in milk ever talk to you? If so, what do they say?
What do cows think about when they’re chewing their cud?
Do cows know that they are going to die one day?
Should R.E.M. have split up when Bill Berry left in 1997?
What are your thoughts on almond milk?
Are cows largely driven by instinct and immediate environmental cues, or are you able to exercise a modicum of self-control and self-respect?
How many times a day, on average, does a cow moo? Does that number differ on a weekend?
How many times a day, on average, does a cow poo? Does that number differ on a weekend?
Why are there no anagrams for ‘cow’?
Why do you think David Letterman retired in 2015?
Has a farmer ever enjoyed milking you too much, beyond the normal satisfaction of a job done well? How sensitive are cows to human sexual arousal?
If you are not milked, do cows eventually turn into cheese?
Have you ever touched a cow with Brucellosis?
Why are there no cow-led trade unions?
Knock-knock. Who’s there? Interrupting cow. Interrupting c… Mooooooooooooooooooooooooo. That’s a rhetorical question. Seems like these are the best kind of question for you? OK, next.
Why are there no anagrams for ‘milk’?
Does a cow with ‘milk fever’ have to give up salsa dancing?
Do cows get… nose bleeds? Noooooooooooooo [moo]. They released some great albums after Bill Berry left and I got to see them live in Nottingham in 2005. One of the best gigs of my life. I think they were the best band of their generation.
Are you drunk?
Should I get my right arm removed, below the elbow, to treat my falling-to-the-right disease?
What is the biggest poo you’ve ever done?
Are you in a relationship with a bull at the moment?
Which philosophers have most profoundly influenced your perspective on life?
How does milk production impact your mood or sense of well-being?
Does methane contribute to climate change? If so, is climate change real?
Why is milk white?
What is your favourite gland? It was bigger than a netball ball, but smaller than a basketball ball.
 Oh, you’re on a role now…
Do you know any cows that have survived after losing their omasum stomach chamber?
Do you ever wish you were a bull, or a man cow?
Why are there no anagrams for ‘wagyu’?
How does language influence our perception of reality and our ability to communicate complex ideas?
Do cows get bullied by pigs?
Have you ever seen a woman farmer? Im-moooooo-nuel Kant.
Is that a pun? Good one! You’re getting into this – the best guest we’ve had on all year! OK, next question:
Is the pulsating sensation of being milked calming, or does it make you feel tense? Do you experience any other strong emotions during the milking process?
From a body language perspective, how can I tell if a cow is experiencing ennui?
Can one cow milk another cow with its hooves?
Do you think balaclavas should be banned from sale?
Can cows tell it’s about to rain?
Are there ungulate dentists?
Are there untruths in bull faeces?
Why is cows’ cerebral cortex development so shit?
What’s the most useful piece of advice that one of your grandparents gave you?
Were the 1960s, 1970s, 1980s or 1990s best, from a clothes fashion perspective?
Has a cow ever laid an egg?
Knock-knock. Who’s there? Interrupting dyslexic cow. Interrupting dysl… Ommmmmmmmmmmmmmm. That’s another rhetorical question.
Do you still think of Pluto as a planet?
From your field, have you ever seen a human lay down on train tracks and get hit by a train? Yes, but the milk will be bloody. I think that’s an answer to an earlier question…
Do cows ask other cows who are being a bit naggy or annoying whether they’ve got mad cow disease?
Is lactose intolerance worse than racism?
Have you ever licked a bull’s horn?
Do you believe in cow ghosts? If so, are cow ghosts able to produce cow-ghost-milk? If so, is the cow-ghost-milk magical? If so, does the magical cow-ghost-milk allow its drinkers to fly? If so, could you get me some? [Pause, breathing heavy]
How did you celebrate the turn of the Millennium?
Did you know at the time that Wordle would be so popular, or were you surprised?
If you could wear shoes, would you wear four of them, or only two?
What do you look for sexually in a man cow, or a bull? Is it a muscular neck, or are you more of a penis and scrotum girl?
Where were you when the queen died?
When a fox is on the farm attacking the animals, are you able to have empathy? Do you recognise that the fox is just doing what it needs to do to survive, or are you just like, ‘shit, there’s a fucking fox, let’s get our calves safe and get out of here.’?
What are your thoughts on the balance between individual freedoms and collective responsibility in modern society? I don’t know, do you still think of YOUR ANUS as a planet? You’re a cheeky cow, aren’t you!
What’s the biggest poo you’ve ever seen another cow do?
What is your favourite Olympic sport, winter or summer edition?
Do cows feel sad on a Sunday afternoon?
Is Bitcoin real?
Does milk production increase in the presence of the Northern Lights?
If you mix cow milk and human milk together, is it true that they produce a banana?
How do you respond to rumours that beyond cow, human, almond and goat, there is a fifth type of milk? [Gun shot] We’ll have to stop the questions there, I’m afraid. Someone’s been hit. Fight! Fight! Fight!

I’ve been your host, Guy Snapdragon. Our very special guest has been Ellsworth [applause]. My producer is Robert Barnes. May you use your time wisely, and may your use of wise be timely.

I’m a penis and scrotum girl.