Guy Helps You Through Childbirth (Pilot Two)

Bonus Guy helps you give birth to your new child.

Transcript

Hello, and welcome to Episode One of ‘Guy Helps You Through Childbirth’. Please listen to this episode from two centimeters dilation or wider, or when contractions are less than 20 minutes apart. Hello. You are going through something magical right now, you are a wonderful person, you have a great deal of love in your life. You are almost certainly not too old to be a mother, so don’t worry. Right, let’s keep hydrated and have a little walk around. Trust me, this is important for when it gets difficult a little later on. You instinctively know what to do, I’m just here to remind you of this and make the whole experience a little bit less painful and, if this doesn’t sound arrogant, potentially even enjoyable. What is pain, anyway? You are a strong person. A strong woman, in fact. Outside of childbirth hours, you are very pretty and you have an above-average social media presence. You are a great listener, and your friends value your thoughtful counsel. At the moment, you’re probably still able to engage in some light hobbies. To be honest, it’s still fine for you to have sex or masturbate, so long as things don’t get too vigorous. Birth likely remains many hours or even days away. And breathe. 

Right now, your hormones are shifting like a manual car speeding along a winding country road; progesterone is dropping, estrogen is rising. Your cervix is ripening like a banana in a hot room. It’s miraculous. And breathe.

In the olden days, pregnant women were believed to have made pacts with the Devil, granting them supernatural powers to harm others or disrupt the natural order. Trials for pregnancy were often deeply flawed and heavily influenced by religious beliefs. Those accused would be thrown into water, and floating was considered proof of pregnancy... actually, am I thinking of witches here, aren’t I, not pregnant women? I think I am, sorry. And breathe. 

By now you have likely defecated yourself. It's ok. Try and wipe it away. We've all been there, nothing at all to be ashamed about. And breathe, through your mouth if possible. 

Here, let’s have a sound together [play sound]. Don’t we feel better now? This is so magical. Post-natal depression is very common, and is actually more painful than what we’re going through together now, in many ways. During the worst of your depression you’ll likely want to literally kill your little baby, might even purchase a weapon to do so, and you’ll really start to doubt your own worth, as how is it possible that you’re even slightly a good person when you want to murder a defenseless little creature? But let’s not worry about that now, that’s for tomorrow and your team of psychiatrists to deal with. And breathe. 

Your career is over. Maybe that’s a relief, but what you probably don’t realise is that motherhood isn’t going to be like one long Saturday down the pub with your mates and a cheeky bottle of wine or five. It’s going to be just sheer boredom every single day. If the murderous post-natal depression thoughts don’t get you, then the realization that 24 hours is a fucking long time will. And that 24 hours will be followed by another 24 hours, and all you’re doing every day is feeding an idiot, having stupid conversations with an idiot, and literally feeling really tired. Was your career really that bad that you’re giving that up? Also, you still owe 35,000 pounds in student loans, with interest being added every day. What a horrible burden that’s going to be, given your lack of earning potential. And breathe. 

Let’s have a bit more music [music] … I almost fell asleep then, it’s so swear peaceful and soothing. I have no physical pain now, and even if I did I would feel grateful for it. That’s just because of the music. Should we play it again? [music] And breathe. 

How are you going to pay for the new-born’s university? Don't worry about that now, and your child might not even be able enough to get into university, especially if you had alcohol during your first few pregnancy weeks. Don't worry about things that might not happen, that’s my motto. And breathe. 

You should probably have that epidural, shouldn't you? You weren't built to be a hero. Those heameroids should clear up after the birth and most women get to the gym within four hours of birthing. Try and enact a bit of willpower this time, though. You can’t afford the fees, really, so at least use the place. At your age, the body isn’t going to just snap back into place. Your rubber-band days are behind you. You’ll need a personal trainer and some weight-loss drugs too, and some electric nasal hair clippers. And breathe. 

Right now, your heart is beating 82% faster than normal. Let's hope you don't have an undiagnosed heart condition, or anything. And breathe. 

Paul Daniels couldn’t do this. You are the real magician. I hope you’re in a good hospital, and not an NHS one. If you are NHS, try and make sure they sterilize all the equipment they’re using. The last thing you want is an infection that could orphan your little child from day one. And breathe. 

Your husband is probably out playing golf, men are so useless aren’t they! Do you know the gender of your upcoming child? Men children have more power, unfortunately, but that’s changing, so who knows maybe a woman child is better. They change genders so easily nowadays anyhow that they can just choose once they’re four or five years old. So long as they’re healthy, right? Which hopefully they will be. Is the father your husband, or is there a chance you’ve mistimed any extra-marital sexual relations? Nobody’s going to know in the first few months, so long as you’re all the same colour, so don’t worry about that yet. By the time it’s obvious, your husband might have left you anyway. A lot of man react terribly to fatherhood and will do almost anything to escape.  And breathe.

It’s a myth that babies are cute. Most of them look absolutely disgusting immediately after birth. So don’t worry that yours is ugly. Try to remember that they’ve just emerged from nine months without sunlight, in what is essentially a wet and windowless basement, given very basic nutrition and that they have no make-up on. Just nine hours of that and you’d look like a filthy tramp, so have a bit of sympathy, OK? And breathe. 

I watched We Need To Talk About Kevin again last night. Great movie. That was one troubled kid, killing his father, sister and schoolmates like that. I guess the lesson is that if your baby cries a lot or if their first word is ‘crossbow’, get ahead of any potential future homicide with early interventions by trained professionals and police etcetera. Don’t let things get out of hand. I think deep down, a mother just knows if their child has potential for such actions, and has a responsibility to society to prevent it from happening. It’s highly unlikely that your child will murder so many people with a crossbow. Most choose a gun for a spree of such ambition and scale, it’s that much more efficient. And breathe. 

So, the mortality rate for newborns in the proper developed world, so G7 without the USA, is somewhere below 1%. Unfortunately, it isn’t generally the bad ones who die, the ones who might grow up to be killers. It’s super-tough for science to back this sort of thing up. The best we can do is anecdotes, and we do lose a lot of good children, anecdotally. Gone to God. Just be grateful that this is 2025 and not 1825. Some 40% didn’t make it to adulthood then. Maybe that made it easier to deal with, though, like you didn’t invest so much emotionally in them back then because smallpox or measles was forever knocking at the door, so to speak. A lot of parents didn’t let their children sleep inside or even give them a name back then, or at least not until they were eight and ready for going down the local coal mine. There’s not much point with those odds. Dogs actually had a life expectancy slightly higher than a child in 1825. Maybe you should have just got a dog instead? Much less expensive. And breathe. 

Let’s have a little bit of contraction inaction now. If you have a contraction in the next minute, something very bad is going to happen to you and/or your child. Let’s see if we can postpone for just a little while. Put that contraction away, come on girls, all together, hold that fucker in. No contractions for me. Just 40 seconds to go. Stay strong. Everything will be just fine if you don’t have a contraction for just a bit longer, don’t allow the little brat down the birth canal just yet! Think of Jane Austin. Think of the flags of Commonwealth countries. Just do whatever you need to do to avoid that next contraction! This is fun, right? Let’s chant – No contraction! No contraction! No contraction! No contraction! 20 seconds to go! Close your eyes. Come on! [Pause] Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one… you’re safe. Wonderful! You made it. And contract.

Despite the discharges, what is going on down there for you right now is literally magic. So, to nouirish via breast or not to nourish via breast, that is the question. I’ll just say that Tom Cruise was not breast-fed, and look at how small and weird and Scientologist he turned out. Breast is best rhymes for a reason. Listen to the rhythm, momma. And breathe.  

I hope your midwife is female. I mean, really, what kind of man would choose to do that job, it’s absolutely disgusting. There must be something wrong with him, one way or another, if that’s his chosen profession. I’ve met some perverts in my life, but these men midwives are the worst of the worst. I’m as progressive as they come but it’s just not OK to be doing that job, if you’re a man. Can we not just keep some jobs for women only? The world is going crazy for this equal rights swear, but it’s all nonsense. If you do have a man midwife, and you’re NHS, at least demand that he wears a blindfold when he’s up in there. Remember also that, whatever he says, there is no medical reason for him to be touching your breasts at any point during or immediately after your labour. He doesn’t need to massage the milk out, especially not with his mouth. I know you’re tired, but don’t be so gullible. And breathe. 

Did you know that the biggest known baby weighed 10.7 kilograms. A total monster. Imaging having to pass a baby that size. I don’t think I could do it. What kind of damage is that going to do to you? How could anybody love a newborn that size? Poor thing. And breathe. 

I don’t mind admitting that, when I was younger, I thought that babies came out of the bum, like a big screaming poo. Should we have some more music? [dramatic music] Childbirth really is a miracle, isn’t it? I don’t know that there’s anything more beautiful. And these little defenseless children represent hope for a better future. Babies aren’t corrupted, babies don’t know evil. And breathe.

In next week’s episode, we’ll be five centimeters dilated, or enjoying contractions less than four minutes apart. This is going to be a much-more intense episode, you’ll likely be having trouble breathing. Oh my god, the pain is going to be unbearable! But, what I will say is that we will get through it together, with my help. By Episode Two, if you die during childbirth, the baby most likely will survive anyway, so no need to worry any more, really. It’s all going to be OK. If you cannot wait until next week, if you’re literally five centimeters or more right now, please just send photographic proof and 130 pounds to me and I’ll whizz over the MP3 of Episode Two by email. Single mothers get a 10% discount on all episodes. This has been Episode One of Guy Helps You Through Childbirth, and I wish you well. And breathe.