Ep. 33 Co-Parenting

We explore the complexities of co-parenting-emphasizing communication, boundaries, prioritizing children's well-being, and fostering a healthy environment for children.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:01

Welcome to Be On It, episode 33. Hey Jessica, what's going on in the beehive today? Hi Debbie and good morning, Lauren. Hello. Hi. I was thinking about the word co-parent. And what does it mean? Webster's dictionary states that the term co-parent refers to a person who shares parental duties with a custodial parent, often in the context of divorced or separated parents. This can include responsibilities such as child custody and care. In essence, a co-parent is someone who collaborates with the other parent and the upbringing of a child.

SPEAKER_03 0:40

So you're saying, Jessica, that co-parenting basically can apply to um parents in a in a relationship or outside of a relationship.

SPEAKER_00 0:52

Correct. It's more the word was coined for divorced or people no longer in a relationship. But really we all co-parent even if we're in a relationship. That particular word co-parent applies to people that are divorced or no longer in a relationship. Because when you're married or in a relationship, you're parenting your children. I found this article from very wellmind.com. It's titled Co-Parenting, What It Is and How to Make It Work. In this article, it talks about types of co-parenting. Researchers have identified three major types of post-divorce co-parenting relationships. The first one talks about conflict co-parenting. In this co-parenting arrangement, the parents have frequent conflicts and poor communication. They may have different schedules, parenting styles, rules, and priorities, and may not agree on their child's needs or daily routine. Two, in cooperative co-parenting arrangements, both parents work together to make decisions regarding their child's upbringing. It involves communication, regularly sharing information about their child's needs and progress and coordinating schedules to ensure that the child spends quality time with both parents.

SPEAKER_03 2:12

So that's your ideal. That's your ideal co-parenting.

SPEAKER_00 2:17

And then on the third one, it talks about parallel co-parenting, which means both sets of parents operate independently with little communication, engagement, cooperation, or conflict with each other.

SPEAKER_03 2:32

Don't you feel like the type of co-parenting that you would engage in would depend upon the relationship that you had during your marriage and then the aftermath of that dissolution? You mutually mutually decided to get divorced, and then you ended the relationship amicably, then you would likely have less of a conflictual co-parenting style.

SPEAKER_00 2:57

I agree. I think it also has dependent on why the divorce happened.

SPEAKER_03 3:01

Yeah, that's true.

SPEAKER_00 3:02

You know, you have to let go of anger and resentment to parent your child and you know for their well-being. I think that there's a lot of emotion involved. So yeah, ideal is cooperative co-parenting. You want to share in that responsibility. But my question is, how do you go about co-parenting with someone who has a different co-parenting style or doesn't even co-parent at all? Lauren, you're in that situation and like wanted to pick your brain about how you've gone about co-parenting your three children.

SPEAKER_01 3:32

For me, what I have to keep in mind at all times is the kids need to be the center of the conversation. You know, I simply only answer questions in regards to the children. And I, I mean, if they're sick, if they, you know, if there's something going on that he's not aware of, we could probably have a better form of communication. I know there's like text messaging programs that are like court appointed. We just do regular texting. I try to communicate as best as I can. Anytime it starts to go into a personal uh direction, I just don't respond anymore. I there has to be a firm boundary.

SPEAKER_00 4:13

So, Lauren, you set boundaries, you focus on your children's needs and you eliminate all negative language and try to respond with the children in mind. Yes. When you first were getting a divorce, did you guys, I know you probably had like some sort of custody agreement and shared custody. How did you go about laying out a plan?

SPEAKER_03 4:36

I have a follow-up to that. Oh, yeah, yeah. When you work that out legally, um, the terms of custody part, is it general or down to the details?

SPEAKER_01 4:45

It can be. And for an example, we when we decided he didn't ask for any holidays. The only holiday he asked for was Christmas uh day. There's a ton of other holidays. The backstory is I had a child from a previous relationship. My my ex-husband saw all of the communication and the problems that arose. He had a front window view of of how that all worked. When it came to us getting divorced, I'm he didn't really ask for much. We just determined he was just like, yeah, whatever. For an example, you wrote down, your kids are going every other weekend on Wednesday nights. If your child is expressing like, I don't want to go, with a, you know, a child that's maybe like between two and five, you might be like, it's gonna be okay and kind of help them. Beyond that, it's detrimental to the child. I mean, I've always said when we're teaching our children no means no, and then you're shoving them into a car. I mean, that's that creates emotional turmoils. For for an example, my youngest child has not gone to her dad's for 18 months. We're working with her therapist. I think there is enforcement when the other parent is pushing for it, but the other parent is not pushing for it. So I don't know if that answers your question.

SPEAKER_03 6:03

I was just thinking, you mentioned before, the children are really paramount and their well-being is paramount. I was just wondering legally if you had it all laid out, how you could make sure that is the priority. I guess it just depends on the arrangement that you have, right?

SPEAKER_01 6:19

Yes, I think it I think it depends for every family, every like set of co-parents, every child. There's different emotional needs of the children, and all the children are different. I think it's a case-by-case situation. Which makes sense.

SPEAKER_00 6:34

In this case, you're always looking out for your children's well-being. Do you feel when they go to visit their dad that you have to undo some behaviors that were learned while they were visiting, or they were feeling some sort of way after they visited, and you had to help them with their mental health and process some of the things they were experiencing?

SPEAKER_01 6:54

Well, yeah. When my youngest was calling me, borrowing her brother's phone, or coming home and being super distraught. There was a time that I picked her up from school. She hadn't slept all night because there was a spider in her room and her dad wouldn't kill it. She's terrified of spiders. In my mind, why didn't he just scoop her up in the bed? I'm here to protect you. Don't worry. No spider's gonna get you. She was forced to have to deal with stuff that was scary to her and she was the child. She wasn't the priority. Then with my son, he still goes. But if he comes home and you get a long hug, and I'm like, how was your week? And he's like, fine. I think there's times that there's connection and times that it feels okay. I think a parent that is narcissistic is always trying to hold up this mask and it gets tiring. It slips a lot. As my son has gotten older, he's starting to see that mask slip. There's plenty of times where he comes home and he gets sick a lot almost instantly.

SPEAKER_00 7:54

It's a hard turmoil that you have to undo. And, you know, I think that, you know, if people can do therapy and I think you've done a very amazing job with making sure your kid's mental health is in the forefront. How, you know, how is he starting to feel? Is he he's starting to see that mask slip? And it's causing a physical reaction within him. As a parent, you co-parent beautifully, and you don't have a ex that does. You must be sick to your stomach every time they go over there, wondering what you're gonna have to deal with when you come back. I just, my heart breaks for you. I I wonder going forward, can you limit some of the visits if your child is wanting to limit that? Or does that just raise a bunch of custody issues? Sure.

SPEAKER_01 8:42

So my stance has always been that I support what feels best for them. Unless it was a super dangerous situation, I'm going to let my children make that decision. I have conversations with my son. If your dad's drinking or if he's using drugs, please do not get in the car with him. Call me. And I try to reiterate that when I know that he is out in a situation where either of those could be occurring. My son is old enough now that I think he really understands the severity of those type of issues. There's never any conversation about not having him go. I completely leave it up to him since he's the only child that is currently going.

SPEAKER_03 9:27

I've thought about this topic of co-parenting. I don't know what your personality style is. I'm kind of the style where I try to take control of everything, and my husband just kind of goes along with it. There is a process where you do have to let go of you can control what you can control.

SPEAKER_01 9:44

I tend to be a little bit like you. I've had to learn over the years that I can't control everything. You work yourself into horrible stress and anxiety if you think that you have all the controls. I'd have to step back and just trust that I've given my children the tools that they need to make the best decisions for themselves. And it it is very hard.

SPEAKER_00 10:09

It takes a lot of strength and we have to accept differences. You realize that you can't agree on everything. You know, do your part as a healthy, functioning parent to educate your children, talk with your children. I think you're doing a beautiful job, Lauren. You have great open communication, and it must be challenging when you're not receiving that. You're parallel parenting. And if you don't, there's like conflict on his part. You're you're wanting to co-parent in a healthy manner, but you're not getting that in return from him.

SPEAKER_03 10:41

I feel like along with like letting go, like you said earlier, and and you know, basically the reality of the situation of what it is, it's like you have to just be aware of what it is and just go with that, right? I mean, you just have to be really real about the situation. You probably had some sort of idea of like this idyllic situation, but at the end of the day, you have to really take it for what it is currently. Absolutely. Do you feel single parents in general? It's like they have to sometimes fulfill dual roles.

unknown 11:16

Yes.

SPEAKER_03 11:16

Do you feel like that's the case for you?

SPEAKER_01 11:19

Yes. I feel like the reason why I've handled the last two years the way that I have is because I was used to doing it all by myself. I think, I think that a lot of women feel that way, whether they're, you know, in relationships, married or single mothers. And that's not the case. I mean, I I know there's really incredible stories of co-parenting. I just believe, like in my situation, it it's just always been this way. I don't really know any other way.

SPEAKER_00 11:51

I think it's a good perspective. It's real. Ideally, obviously, we want cooperative co-parenting. In reality, most people don't get that. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 12:01

And something I learned along the way is when my children would come home and tell me stuff that had upset them, I don't want to say anything bad about their dad because our children are half of their parents. I put down my kids' dad in any way. I'm putting them down inadvertently. When stuff would happen, I would have a hard time saying something, but then I would have this internal conflict because I felt like I was not addressing the behavior. Address behavior that you don't agree with and validate your child in your home without putting the other parent down. Say, I am so sorry that you experienced this. And that was not okay. Because if we don't call out the behaviors that are not healthy and not right, our children learn that this is an acceptable way to be treated. And I don't want to ever normalize any of those types of behaviors. So there's a balance there of not putting the other parent down because a child is just going to, of course, be defensive because that is their parent. And I don't ever want to be putting my children in a position to defend anybody. It's really important that we call out these behaviors and these things to let them know, like you do not deserve to be treated this way.

SPEAKER_00 13:22

I'd love that you explain to them and you, you know, you set healthy boundaries. You know, you're you're a great example of a healthy parent. And it just is a good example to navigate life, even in a marriage, you don't put your children in the middle. Make sure that you're not speaking negatively in front of your kid out significant other or even other people in general. It's just a good habit to let other people's actions speak for themselves.

SPEAKER_03 13:51

I have a I have a question for you, Lauren. Do you feel like you're in a better place now? And like, like, do you feel peace? Do you feel peace? Do you feel happiness? Do you feel joy?

SPEAKER_01 14:04

Yeah. I it's funny. When I first got divorced, I thought, I do not know how I'm going to live. I don't know how I'm going to move forward. It's interesting now because I feel like I don't know how I ever lived that way. I didn't realize how small I made myself to make this other person happy. And and I I've been in my own mental health journey for the last seven years. I I have a lot of joy and a lot of peace. I started college a year ago to be the best me that I can be and remember that outside of being a mother, I'm also a woman. I have these wings that are starting to spread out and branch out. And I I was real small for a very long time.

SPEAKER_03 14:52

I've heard it described before. There's this other person that I follow on YouTube, um, the middle mole mom, and she calls it the dignity line. And when that line got crossed way too often is when she decided to go ahead and, you know, go through divorce. And it was like that dignity line of just playing herself small and just so many other things. But, you know, our kids emulate us whether we whether they realize it or not. And I just kind of want to highlight that, you know, you're feeling a different way about yourself and building yourself up. And are you exuding that in front of your children?

SPEAKER_01 15:25

I think so. And kids seem happier. We sit around and laugh and we do a lot of stuff together. Um, I have pretty much put my focus solely on my children. I I've been divorced now for almost two years, and I haven't even thought of dating. My life has been centered around getting healthy and having my kids be healthy and feeling secure and grounded and safe. We we have dinner together at the dinner table and talk every night except for Wednesdays because I work late. I mean, there's other extenuating circumstances that we don't always, but that is the goal. I see I see bravery and you know, happiness and joy coming out, and all of my kids like two youngest, their dad is from that relationship. We're really quiet. I think everybody was trying to be so small, like walking on eggshells and trying to never poke the bear. My youngest has really been good at advocating for herself and speaking out, saying hard things, and and I've even noticed that shift with my son. He's joyful and happy. And being able to express to his dad, like, I didn't like this, those are huge things. My children having a voice is huge.

SPEAKER_03 16:39

Yeah. I didn't have a great childhood, but although I'm having conflict in my current marriage, I sometimes at night, I feel so thankful. I feel proud of myself, but oh, at least I'm providing a good environment for them. They don't have to walk on eggshells. They can feel the security, the stability, and the consistency that you offer because and I commend you. It's hard for me to have dinner with the family six out of the seven days of the week. That's amazing. That's wonderful.

SPEAKER_01 17:06

Yeah. As a parent, watching my children listen to music and we're dancing and singing, and it's just like free for all. I feel like that is my biggest reward that my children feel comfortable to do that in front of me and that there is no judgment and laughing together. I mean, that's what it's all about. Absolutely. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 17:28

It just made me think the judge, the judgment-free environment that you have cultivated. That's wonderful. I feel like a lot of times at the dinner table, it's a lot of like, why'd you do that? What's cool? It's a very like that.

SPEAKER_01 17:42

They definitely do that to each other. I think being able for them to be themselves freely is is super important. I think that there is going to be times when they clash. That's just normal kids being kids and siblings being siblings. But I think creating a safe space and harmony is the best that you can do.

SPEAKER_03 18:02

It's heartwarming to know that you have the capacity to handle all that, because not everybody does.

SPEAKER_01 18:09

I always wanted to be a mom. I didn't anticipate that it would look this way, but I think there were times when I had to be strong. And I I wouldn't do it any other way. I think for single parents that are in my position, it's hard to always have to be so strong. Wish that these other co-parents that make things difficult think that they're hurting the other parents. They're mad at them for whatever reason. They really just ultimately are hurting the children in the long run. And it it shouldn't have to be so hard all the time.

SPEAKER_03 18:43

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 18:43

Right.

SPEAKER_03 18:45

It's not collateral damage, it's it's it's big stuff. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 18:52

I think that this was such a good topic to talk about because I don't think a lot of people break down what it is to be a co-parent. And I think this was a good example of some positives and some challenging things that you have to work through. Even when you're in a marriage and sometimes you're acting as like a solo parent within that marriage. It's hard. And, you know, putting all this responsibility on one person's person's shoulder is not the way it's supposed to be when you're in a marriage or a relationship. You're supposed to be parents together and be responsible together. And it's it comes with these, you know, negatives when you have conflict. I think ultimately our what we're striving for is cooperative co-parenting or, you know, parenting together in a positive manner, and a healthy manner. And the goal is good communication and raising kids to be a good, healthy, well-adjusted adults is the ultimate goal. I think Lauren, you're doing an awesome job with that. And thank you. If you guys like what we're all about, you know, please join us next time for our next episode.

SPEAKER_02 19:53

See you next time. Bye.

SPEAKER_03 19:59

Just so you know, we are speaking from our lived experiences and are not licensed therapists. We are all about community. Join our community by following and subscribing to Be On It through YouTube, Instagram, and of course your podcasting platform so we can continue to bring Be On It to you.