My Career Never Failed Me But Relationships Did - Part 1

In this episode, Samantha and Luther discuss the intricate relationship between career success and personal relationships. They explore how social media often portrays only the highlights of relationships, neglecting the struggles and failures that come in between. The conversation delves into their personal journeys from high school to college, the impact of independence on relationships, and the importance of having a purpose in dating. They emphasize the need for therapy and self-discovery in order to foster healthy relationships and personal growth.

Chapters

00:00 Introduction to Relationships and Career
06:00 Personal Journeys: From High School to College
12:14 The Role of Independence in Relationships
17:55 Healing from Past Relationships
23:47 Conclusion and Reflections on Relationships
29:20 The Importance of Self-Reflection and Growth
35:08 Career Aspirations and Personal Development
41:43 Survivor's Remorse and Relationship Dynamics
46:49 Building Strong Foundations in Relationships

Takeaways

• The highlights of relationships often overshadow the in-betweens.
• Social media creates unrealistic expectations for relationships.
• Relationships are crucial for both personal and career success.
• Many people entertain relationships that do not serve them.
• Independence can lead to a lack of direction in relationships.
• Empowerment should not come at the cost of family connections.
• Healing from past relationships is essential for future success.
• Interdependence is key to healthy relationships.
• Trauma can prevent individuals from moving forward in love.
• Family dynamics significantly influence relationship choices. Relationships should be valued, with a focus on long-term commitments.
• Self-reflection is crucial for personal growth and understanding.
• Career success should align with personal life for true fulfillment.
• Survivor's remorse can impact relationship dynamics and personal choices.
• Therapy is essential for healing and growth after trauma.
• Dating without a purpose can lead to unhealthy relationships.
• Success is not just about external achievements but internal fulfillment.
• Community and relationships are foundational to personal success.
• Understanding one's purpose is key to attracting the right partner.
• Building strong relationships requires intentionality and self-awareness.

Transcript

Let's Talk About It - EP 2 (00:01)
Welcome, welcome back for another episode of Let's Talk About It. What are we talking about today, Luther? What's going on, everybody? It is your girl, Samantha. And your boy, Luther. Listen, I didn't put the car before the horse and talking about what we're going to talk about today, but y'all already know what it is. This is, I'm Samantha. And I'm Luther. The Lampkins. we are here. for another. Another episode.

And so what we're going to actually talk about today. Let's talk about what's the it today. The it is my career never failed me, but the relationships did. So my career never failed me, but relationships did is the topic of what we're talking about tonight. So the it is that. That's what it is. That is the it. Okay. Okay. So the it is that and Luther, as you again, you're looking over at me, you got to make sure you know, we got to speak into the microphone. Speaking to the mic. Trust me.

I'm learning to do this. My wife has been on me about this and I have, I'm getting better. I've been practicing. We're going to see how I go, work with me. But we are happy to be back in the building to talk about something. And what we're going to do is actually expound on what we talked about last week. mean, this one's going to really, really dive deep more into our journey, how we got here, not just to end them, because one of the things that we notice all the time is that when we see stuff out here now,

they always are showing you the highlights of every single thing of relationships. And you know what? We're not going to go just on the highlights. We're actually going to talk about the happiness, the failures. How do we get back to the happiness? And you know, in in-betweens and a lot of the time, babe, we don't really see that. Social media is full of highlights. Social media is totally full of highlights. And I think when you say that,

people often show highlights when it comes to relationships. You often see them get together, the engagement, the marriage, because you know, people put on big productions these days and then next you hear they getting divorced. You're like, well what, you know, what was the in-between? And you never really hear about the in-betweens. How did y'all even get to wanting to go get a divorce? But you know, how did you even meet? How you get there? How did you get to knowing that it was time for you to be in a relationship? Those types of things. you know what? We're human.

and we're followable. And so when we make mistakes and we try to hide those mistakes and only show the highlights, then that lets you know that we are not really what we think we are. That's right. That's right. And so for us to talk about our journey, to talk about where we started from, and even just to get into this episode of Let's Talk About It, my career never failed me, but relationships did. That's true. And you know, in reality, your career did fail you because what happened is the fact that

we focused so much on our career, we did not focus on the thing that also sustains a career, which is relationships. Relationships are so important. Relationships are important. And I know a lot of you all, our focus, Luther, is on black relationships, basically couples, marriage, love. However, when you say relationships are important, even in your career, even peer to peer relationships, even like a mentor relationship.

So you have to think about those things too, but we are solely focusing on the love aspect and as you get there. And when you brought up, my career never failed me, but relationships did. You and I were having a conversation and what's so crazy is that just came out because that statement came out. My career has never failed me, but relationship did. Because that is something that I used to say. That was like my armor of protection when it came to relationships.

Was it really protection or was it more defense? It was probably more. Now that I look back at it now, it was defense. It was a defensive statement for me to make tonight, really get into why I had no man. Single cell. You know what? And a lot of times, let's be honest, if you're always playing defense, then where's the offense? Okay. And the offense, unfortunately, starts to lack because we're so always doing the Bruce Lee, Tae Kwon Do, and just trying to...

And once we have healed, we have lost the ability to really create the offense that's sustainable. We do it in spurts, but we don't do it fully. So we'll go out here and Dave, we'll go ahead and test the waters a little bit, put our foot in there. And then as soon as some little controversy come up, we make enough excuses to go ahead and run.

I mean, you know, hear, you'll hearing stuff like, yeah, you know what? He was breathing too heavy when he was going to sleep. You know what? I remember dating, not breathing too heavy. I remember dating and I would always come back and tell my mom, you know, she would meet certain people like guys that I would date and I would, I would tell her, you know, so and so didn't work. And I remember this particular date that I went on and I was like, my,

What's wrong with him? I'm like, I didn't even get a chance to say nothing. She is always something wrong. I said, well, my he was the way he was chewing. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. You know, which which means two things. you didn't really like him like that. OK, so that's what we're going to call it the struggle. Right. We're going to nickname that. We're going to touch on that, too. Why do we entertain people that we know we don't like, but they're occupying space with a person that we actually are holding out for?

That's going to actually be an episode because you know we be doing that. Occupy space. Occupy space. Space builders. And God can't bless you. Placeholders. You know what I'm saying? He can't fill in your cup if it's already filled. In Jesus' name. In Jesus' name. Bless you. Amen. And so one of things we want to do when we start talking about journeys.

is we want to let you guys in on some insight on our journey. You know, how we ended up here in Chicago. Starting off from college. I was born here. But I did move away. I'm from Detroit. I'm in Chi-Town. You might as well say I'm a resident because I've been here over at least 15 years. You know, Chicago people, we don't like Chi-Town. Yeah, that's what don't know why.

I don't know. It's just a thing. you know, I'm like Chicago. But anyway, anyway, you're from Detroit. I'm from Chicago, born and raised. However, my career, it moved me away so much. did. It did. Working in TV news and I just moved around a lot. Bounced around to different markets. Now, see your counterparts, when they bounced around, they understood that they had to build a foundation.

I said your counterparts. I'm sorry. I'm See, you know what? You see how black people do? They'll go ahead and think they heard something. It'll be something completely different than what you actually said. I don't like my counterparts. We got proof. We got got my body height? Exactly.

I'm just trying to say. So you said my counterparts. When you're in your career and the TV news, a lot of people may not know. could even go back to college. Yeah, you can go back to college because you know what? See, one of the biggest things and the reason why we want to take it back to college is because the different generations before us understood that college was the building blocks because college was already separating your mate. Yeah, it was basically.

putting you together with people, similar values. first of all, y'all both in college. Both in college. Yeah. So that starts it right there. Tredectory, you are there in a space that's not home. And it filtered out because of the fact that you got away from a lot of the stuff that other people weren't trying to be on. Absolutely. But see, what started to happen is now that we got to college and we got some sense of some sense of independence, and started taking liberal arts and others.

majors. That was not. Why do they even offer that? The undecided. If you are undecided in college, why are there? Exactly. You get decided and then go to college. Right. Wasting some long money. refund checks ain't wasted unless you're not an investor. HBCU, refund checks. All right. right. Anyway, we're going to move on. That's a whole nother topic right there. Man, because look, Sallie Mae's still waiting for the... She surely is. Sallie Mae, Fannie Mae. Oh, that's the candy. Chicago.

Okay. Anyway. So, so we want to talk about more about the journey specifically for us and our journey and also how that affects it, how that affected our relationships. Right. All right. So I'm going to tee you up first, babe, and talk about your journey and your relationship starting from, starting from high school to college and then our journey as we met.

Okay, high school. I can just brief you that I went to all girls high school, but I cheered for an all boys high school here in Chicago. Shout out to Maria High School. Shout out to Hells Franciscan is where I was a cheerleader. So we'll fast forward through that and we'll go to college. When I graduated, shout out to the class of 1990. Anyway, you know, I don't mind telling how old I am. Y'all will get it throughout this story. anyway, I graduated and I

didn't automatically apply to college. Now Luther, knew growing up, like a few of my favorite movies were, Shout Out to Spike Lee, School Days was one of my, I was younger then. So all I knew was Luther, I wanted, and the Cosby Show, would see, yeah. Man, Cosby Show was actually what I really, really steal to this day. now I got my Claire Huxtable, so I'm just going to put that out there.

Um, that was one of the pinnacles for me and a different world. got your clear hooks. I got my clear hooks. I know lawyer, none like that, but I can showcase somebody. Anyway, anyway. No, thank you, babe. I appreciate that. Appreciate that. Now, you know what, Cliff, you got some Cliff similarities, but I got my Luther. You know, but anyway, Luther. So you would often see, and you could attest to this Luther, um,

Bill Cosby, he clipped, he would wear the sweatshirts. Sweatshirts all the time with the HBCUs. HBCUs, absolutely. And I knew then, school days, like I said, I was younger, but I remember the names he would have the Tuskegee on, the more I was the sweatshirts, all HBCUs. So I knew when I went to college, I'm like, well, if I ever go, I want to go to an HBCU, historically black college or university. HBCU? HBCU, HBCU program, Me and you. So anyway.

I faltered a little bit in mine, so I had to end up finishing with a PWI. That's all right. God is good and God bless PWIs as well. anyway, except for homecomings. But anyway, it's a different breed. HBCU homecoming is a different breed. So I knew that I wanted to go to college. I would always tell. I remember telling my mom when I was younger, I want to go to Mission College, if you know school days. Oh, man. Mission College. And I want to pledge gamma ray. I want, I don't want to be alone tonight. OK, anyway, I knew I was going to be a gamma ray.

You know, did. just knew it. so anyway, I remember when I graduated, I didn't go directly to college. I set out actually for two years and I worked at a purchase. I was a purchasing agent. had a job. know, it was a great company, family owned company, but I had a job and I always knew that I wanted to go to school. So I was dating somebody at the time and here. I remember

going away to school, I won't even get into that story. know, well, you know, a friend of mine told me about my college, Lincoln University, Missouri, of Missouri. Your inspiration. Shout out to, I got to give my girl Danielle a shout out. Shout out. She came back to church and I remember going to church, she was like, what you doing with your life? I was like, girl, I'm working. You know, just real, you know, Samantha. And I remember she was in the Ebony magazine and she was Ms. Lincoln.

And I remember seeing Danielle and I grown up in church with her and she had on an AKAP and a sorority. And so I said, Oh wow. I said, not such, I said, I want that. And she was like, you can't touch that. I was like, Oh, tell me. But anyway, she said, Samantha, you need to go to college. And I'm like, all right, whatever. You know, I'm in this relationship. I'm working, doing my thing. I got a job. A job. A job. And I would drive out every day.

to two not all the two 90. And we ain't knocking. We are not knocking anybody who has a job. And we understand. Yes. But the only difference is, that job your passion? Is it your passion? And if it's not your passion, then you need to go find your passion. And I firmly agree with that. And I like that you said we ain't knocking nobody with what you may consider a job. However, is it your passion? That's the look. That is the biggest thing.

So I knew I passionate about that, what I was doing. then, yes, I applied to my university. I just did like all from William. But what's so crazy is like a week later, I got fired. It was meant for you to go anyway. It was meant for me to go. And fall 2000.

I got to go. Wait, so I got my story. I had to learn the... to go. I remember I had a Geo Metro, shout out to the car. The power steering was so jacked up on that car. Never forget that. That's when you'll see, can always all the way, lay back to the back, right? Do seats still do that? They don't go all the way to the back. you have to pull it on the side. And you go back real hard with it. But I remember... Did you get a power windows?

No, I have to roll it down, up. anyway, man, I remember and the power steering was kind of bad. But anyway, remember packing, had a going away a trunk party. OK, you know, that's how you know, ain't nobody been to college around you. Don't have no big old if you go have a trunk party for your child, please just get gift cards. OK, we had a trunk. had everything and we get down and it's a Walmart and Target. But anyway, when you say they didn't need to much, they started sponsoring us. anyway, man.

I remember packing the car up, Geo Metro, me, my mother, brother, and sister, four people and a lot of stuff. So, Geo Metro. Listen me, but see, she served as an inspiration for you, right? My mom. Your mom serves as inspiration. serves as inspiration. on that journey, when we started talking about school and everything else, what was your mindset?

going to school was relationships at the top of the list or was it even a thought process? You know what, because I left the person I was dating here. I'm like... Everything changed. Either you're going to come visit, you know, because I knew I wanted to go to school. getting an opportunity to go to an HBCU, I'm like, let me just drive down here. So we ain't had MapQuest, make long story short. A six hour trip took almost 12. But anyway... That's when you have to print out the papers. Yes. Oh, you know, MapQuest.

Where's Siri? Siri wasn't even, she wasn't even... Siri, it wasn't no wave, it nothing. It was print not the papers. Find your ways. was all And don't have no stains on the directions. It said turn here by the barbecue sauce. Who did? Who was eating? I was hungry. And it's, that's so funny. But anyway, we get there. Fast forward, I ended up...

doing pretty good at Lincoln. I became Ms. Lincoln, which is so crazy. Shout out. Shout out. Yes. And then I wound up getting into the organization that I wanted to get in. Not a gamma ray. I'm not a gamma ray. But something close to it. Something to it. Something amazing. Trailblazing. Trailblazing. Anyway, boom, you know, if you know, you know. All right. So anyway, ended up doing all of that. But what's so crazy, I did not master relationships in college. Still trying to hold on.

to what I had in Chicago, meeting guys who were progressive, wanting to do things, but I always wondered why I could never sustain. I remember I talked to a gentleman later after I graduated. And I remember I was attracted to him. And I was like, why didn't we ever talk? He was like, you had a boyfriend. And I'm like, Baggage, baggage, baggage. And we're going to talk about baggage too, by the way. We're going to talk about baggage. So what you're saying is that

through all this, through Ms. Lincoln, shout out to also you, was Ms. Hall of Fame his wife? come on, my man. My man. Come on, Yeah, shout out to National Black College Alumni Hall of Fame. So with all those things and all those accolades and grades, what you're saying is that you had some baggage, but in reality still, mean still at that time, relationships...

the entire process was never really serious for you in college. No, I have to look back on that and be honest. Did I like people? Yeah. Did people like me? yeah. You know, but. Shout out to all the people that missed out by the way. Married, baby. You know what's so crazy? It was some decent guys that I went to school with. However, as I look back on it now, because I'm like, why didn't I get into a relationship? I had baggage.

Back edge, also too, let's be honest, and I'm going to touch on this as well on my side, is that where we came from, we were always pushed to be independent. independently single. unfortunately, with that- Inherently, we don't even know. With that independent streak in mind, what that does is that really starts to create more of an avenue of selfish toxicity.

Once you start to really, really go and empower yourself, watch out for that word empowerment. All right. Because empowerment can be good when it's together. Empowerment is bad when it's in a single mindset. And every time I hear that word, I cringe. Don't get me started because it's around that time of the year, Luther, where these empowerment conferences, they getting ready to start. All right. With the fancy bags and you pay your- I don't need a You pay your $149 or you pay your $10,000 and you're gonna make somebody else richer and you got to hope.

quick risk, get rich quick sting. And if you sign up before this date, you get the rate of 180 plus a tote bag. in Chicago, you might want a tote bag because they seven say need you when you go to the grocery store. But I don't need another tote bag. I don't need a notepad. I don't need a journal. What I was saying. And for you to pump me up with empowerment. Well, here's the thing. Empower yourself to get a relationship. Our counterparts understand.

that you cannot be empowered without the family. I'm going say it again. Say that again. Our counterparts understand you cannot be empowered without the family. Family is important. And unfortunately when we teach empowerment, stop saying it, all the organizations and everything that we do, I love our organization. You know I do. Yeah. Trust me. I know you do. But if it doesn't start with family and end with family, then what are we preaching? Absolutely. And what are we practicing?

So that's why I asked you for that set up about independence. And so now I'm going talk about my journey of independence, right? So we are done. And I was pushed, though, because I knew what I wanted to do for my career. and that to me, as you talk about your journey, my focus was on being successful. Successful. Successful, air quotes. Successful. In my career. Career, which basically, like you said before, it never failed you, right? Mm-hmm.

But we're talking about it never failed you from a financial standpoint. Yeah. Right. So financial security. But at the end of the day, you had all that financial success and accolades and everything else. Single as a dollar bill. Single as a dollar bill. On paper, off the chain. But when you went home and you were by yourself, did you get a certain type of feeling or an emptiness that just still wasn't fulfilled or did you even just ignore it? I didn't even think about it.

And you don't think about it. You think about it. got to be at work at this time and I work overnight. so I'm like, you just got, I got to go to work. And see, that's the, that's the thing about it. So for me growing up, I grew up with a triple OG. Shout out to my mom. Shout out to mama. I grew up with a triple OG from a single parent household. I got to give a shout out to my mom and my grandmama too. Sorry about that. Yeah. And I grew up watching my mother.

independently, raised three boys by herself. And unfortunately, all I saw was independence and empowerment. And then she was in a lot of groups and everything else like that. So for me personally, I grew a little bit of resentment having to see somebody that's going outside of the house for empowerment. But then, you know, for me being a kid, there wasn't a lot of direction in the home, right?

And so I saw that was always doing something. She was always doing something. And she didn't just do it. She was leading it. And so if it was civil rights, it was equal pay, was for the IRS. My mom would be a part of these different organizations. And if it wasn't organizations, then it was church. It was church for the kids choir, the adults choir, the scholarship committee.

The soup kitchen. She was on every church meeting. And I was coming home late on Sundays. Because you got Sunday school, first service, second service, evening service. And then in the summertime, was vacation Bible school.

Was your mother one of the leaders for vacation by the school? If she wasn't leading this, something was wrong. Lord. That's why you, yeah, I see why you picked me. Yes. So I was attracted to leadership, but unfortunately being attracted to leadership and then trying to instill some type of direction is very, very hard because sometimes the opposites are, you know, compelling in a way. Right? Yeah. And so that is some of the things I haven't...

you know, I'm still learning to this day. So you do have a lot of traits of my mother. But I saw independence up close. saw, you know, let's be honest, saw feminism up close and I understand the whole need for what it was supposed to be and the intended nature of it. But now what we have is feminism has led to over-empowerment and drunk with power.

And unfortunately, now you got people saying, hey, I don't need no man and I can be, I can do it all by myself. That's what they say. That's what they say. And unfortunately, God didn't create us to be by ourselves. So what we're preaching with this show is not to be independently, non-successfully single, but interdependently. I like that. Interdependence. Let's lock it in. Interdependence. Interdependence means that the way our bodies need each other to procreate. Yes.

That's the way we need each other. up here, when you want to make a point. When it comes to relationships, we need to be together. And unfortunately, what we don't understand is we stay in the trauma. We never really heal because if we heal, you would see a lot more offense instead of defense. I agree. When it comes to relationships, When it comes to relationships, we'll take that one person that hurt us and we'll make the next 10 people pay for it. about 100. Seriously, everybody has to pay. Everybody For somebody that played.

With your heart. And unfortunately, it just depends on what side are you on. So when I was in high school, I was on the player side. okay. Man. the players club. The players club. Anyway. And I'm trying to figure it out. And unfortunately, growing up, you know, in Detroit, everybody around us was either raised by their grandmothers or their mothers. There were no men around. Wow. And so now you've been gravitated towards the streets. Okay.

or you gravitated towards them Gator players, Detroit players. and so for me, I got into a little bit of trouble, but then I was able to, make it out. And I went to, Alabama state university for my first two years. And, that's the hornets hornets. I'm like a bee. Sorry. Y'all know I'm in the house. Nice looking ladies. Yes. There you go. Yeah. Not better than mine though.

So, hey fellas, if you like what you see put a ring on it. And don't wait either. We're going to talk about that one day too. We're going to talk about that. No, no, what you say you don't keep nothing on the shelf. What you say always about you don't keep something of value on the shelf. You know, I got a better phrase for you. You ready? I'm always coming up with some phrases. the time. All right. Prizes get put back. Treasures get kept.

Prizes get put back, but treasures get kept. All right. make sure. Prizes. Prizes. All right. So girlfriends, unfortunately, those are prizes. Wives are treasures. So we just want to make sure that that's what we're promoting over here. I know we talk about a lot of things, but that's the biggest thing right there. Listen me. You can be there. You can have children. You can have a listening. Don't give a man the greatest gift. If he hasn't given you the greatest gift. Say that again. You know what? All right.

Let's just make sure we understand. you said, kids can be there. Kids can even be in the picture. But he still ain't put a ring on it. And the thing is, I wish we would stop telling stories that we don't want that. Yeah. We do. You do want it. look, and I'm not even- the wifely things. And I'm not trying to even bash because, listen to me, I've had kids outside of marriage. Absolutely. So what we're going to talk about and be truthful about is even our own mistakes. For somebody to on social media. Exactly. We're transparent and real about We're transparent and real about it. That's what you're going to get from a show like this, all right?

I'm sorry, I had to let out. You know I'm an investigator. I'm surprised I'm not an attorney. It's your time. No, I don't want another degree. I'm okay. So one of the biggest things about... I don't. And we can go get on that too, okay? Please listen to me. to me every time when your relationship ends.

Not another degree, okay? We don't need the new GDs. Remember what you said? new GDs out here. We ain't talking about the gangsters anymore. Wait a minute, I have to say it. Chicago got gangs. Shout out, you know, not well, because they didn't always start off like they were. and we know what they are. all positive when we first started out. Yes, growth and development. Growth and development. GD. Shout out to them when they were doing well. But now we got new ones. GDs. This is the new one. What's ones? Groups and degrees. Groups and degrees. You get in another group.

and you get another degree. Stop getting in all these groups. And what's so bad about this is that we'll come across somebody and they're like, oh, we just want to understand. what do I need to do to get a man? And we blink and they didn't so and so is inducted into this. stop doing that. I'm going tell you right now. Staying busy is not the key to being chosen by the right one. Wow. OK, because he is not going to be in that empowerment conference.

He is not going to be in your eighth organization, okay? Fellas, okay, flip it on the fellas side. Do they join stuff too? 100%. They be scared of their own shadow. 100%, listen to me. In their huge house by theyself. Yes, and all these green catches that you see out here, they ain't really great. A lot of them are still being, listen, we're going to change the term of what success is. Success is not something that's exterior when you go home to an empty house.

All right, that's not a little cricket for that. That is not success. People that are listening to us on the audio pocket. I just made a face like that. That's not success. And for all my men out there. Yeah. Understand. I'm like, yeah, like I'm one. Yeah. Karma is undefeated. Yes, it is. And so just because you are here still playing don't mean you can't get played. And we need to understand, fellas, that, hey, listen, if she is if she is not the right one.

Go ahead and stop occupying that time. Cause that could be for somebody else. All right. And we need to we need to stop trauma-binding a lot of these people and then don't go get therapy afterwards. And now we in trauma-binding somebody else. you, they quit getting in other relationships. did he breathe? Cause look for me, I used to be a serial monogamous. Remember I said that to you when we first started dating. But then for you, you wouldn't get in any relationships. You know where. You still here dating for Dennis?

The DFDs, the dating for dinners, that was a thing that I used to do. I just wanted to go out to eat and date for dinners. You told me, sorry fellas, if you were one of my victims. No, anyway, I had no victims. just didn't, you know. So that's what I'm saying about even just this show is the fact that we ourselves need to understand that we have to look at ourselves in the mirror and understand we need two things.

We need God and we need therapy. right. And so for me, college, let go to my college. So I went to Alabama State. was, you know, very, very wanted to be in stuff. I was out in the yard. had an apartment as a freshman. I was on the meal plan, living in a dorm. Shout out to Dawson Hall. They renovated the dorm too. But I wasn't focused enough. was, at that time, I was more focused on surviving.

Not thriving. Because what made you even go away to school that far from Detroit to Alabama? You drove, didn't you? Drove 18 hours. By yourself? That was 75, 71, 65. Not the interstate. And most HBCU students know the interstate states to get to school. Mine was 55, 70, 270, and 70. See? Then Howard's 54. Well, for me at the time, I was starting to have a lot of trouble at home.

Okay. And so that was starting to really, really affect everything. And a lot of my friends, when growing up in Detroit, they were afraid of dying in the streets. have a lot of people either got shot and killed or they were doing crime. And so I didn't really have a surrounding circle that was really, really in that way of being positive like that. But you had a brother. I had a brother that shot to my brother who went to grand. So he was an example. He was example.

But by him being so old, he went to Gremlin and he went there when Coach Eddie Robinson was there. Oh, no. Shut up. That's a swag. That was swag. And so for me, that was a little bit far removed just because of our age difference. OK. And so I was kind of left on my own. So I had my mom. That's an empowerment. So your brother was like the school days era. He was school days era. I had my mom who was in empowerment. I had my brother who was off the school. And then your older brother, who was really much older than you. So he was like a son husband.

Yes, I was a son husband in a lot of ways. And unfortunately, and I know I can speak on it because I was a son husband, is that not having a positive male role model in the home, because I had all the mentors and I had all that stuff. And I'm going tell you right now, having a father in the home is priceless. And by me not having that and having that structure, no offense, but my mother,

could not discipline me in a way for somebody who is now being induced by the streets. Yeah. It's only so much that mothers can do. Yes. And so for me, I saw a way of going to Detroit. I mean, going to Alabama State is a way to survive. What city? Montgomery. state, the capital. And so I ended up going to Alabama State. And at that time, we were talking about independence, right? I was not also thinking about...

I looked at relationships in college as like, man, I'm here to play. You saw the honeys. I saw the honeys. I got them all in one place. the ladies. And I'm over here listening to me. this is when you know- You talk about all in one place. All in one place. And then unfortunately I didn't know that Alabama State was a non-coed HBCU. And so I thought that we were going to share endorhams and stuff. And so that's in the-

Yeah. So that's why I ended up going to get my own apartment. Cause you wanted to be, you wanted co-ed dorms. I saw them all and everything. I'm thinking that's what it's going to No, we didn't have co-ed dorms either. Not while I was, they got them now, but not while I was there. So late my last year they did. So I went there trying to be independent as well. And then, you know, being there was great.

but I ended up not doing so well. And it wasn't because I wasn't smart. It was because of the fact that- my baby's It was because of the fact that I just couldn't get up in my early morning classes. You know, we had this conversation, Luther, me and you. I didn't even take eight o'clock, because I knew it. I I'm eight o'clock classes. I did nine. That was the earliest I could do it. And I've been mad when they offered those. Shoot.

And then the other part too about you was failing your eighth. I failed my eighth. But the one other thing about HBCUs as well is that a lot of HBCUs don't have updated curriculums that are, that you need for, you know, up-to-date society. Does college period.

And so, with it being behind this college period, I didn't even have my major, but I was so ready to go to school. Oh, wow. I was so ready to go to school to get out. And most of my friends, even my friends who moved out to LA, moved out to Atlanta, it was more about survival at the time. What was your major when you enrolled at Alabama State? I think it was... You don't even remember? No, you know what? It was undecided like we were just talking about. It was undecided. I was really, really good at...

African American studies, anything about, I marched in lot of parades, went to King Parade. were down for the calls. And I grew up in a household where my mother was very pro-black. Growing up, she did lot of marches and stuff like that, and was a part of the Civil Rights. So that part of me never has left. Hence your name, Luther. Oh my goodness. That was not an easy name growing up.

She named you after a prominent man in civil rights history. Yes. Okay. Power to the people. For the culture. But I said to say that going to college for me, and we talked about how college was for you. It was relationships on your mind. You said no, you was at a place. So I was at a place. now we're going to speed up to a little bit of now getting out of college and now going into your career. So now going into your career, it was all about

I thought career success. I mean, you're both driven. We are. And it was like, okay, all right, how can I make sure that I establish myself? So for me, after I didn't do so well in college, I ended up coming back to Detroit and I'm going to a PWI for architecture. And then I finally started to get on the right track. We're not going to get deep into how you became even interested in architecture. You were a little boy. I was a little boy. Visiting family in St. Louis.

Yes, because you I tell a story? Yes, I just pay attention to my other friends. yeah, okay. Great story. Great story. Just like you want, I want to be a gamma ray. You come on, tell me how you want to. Yeah, yeah, I'll get to it. try. sorry, baby. But I used to visit my cousins in St. Louis and my other cousins in East St. Louis. Okay. There is a difference. It is. And everybody from my school knows that. Shout out to East St. Louis, though. I got a lot of friends from East St. Louis and St. Louis. Can I get to my story now?

Yes. Okay, thank you very much. right. Kansas City too. How many shots are you going to get? That's it. All right. And one of my cousin's best friends, his father was an architect. And at that time I did not know, and this is what representation really, really means, I did not know or ever thought that architecture could be for a black person. I always thought and envisioned that architecture was for white people. Wow.

And so just the thought of that, I mean, going in his basement and seeing his actual table. And that thought process... His drafting table. His drafting table has really, really set into me to the point where now I actually believe that. How old were you? That time, I think I was like nine or 10. You just remember seeing how I remember that and being inspired by that. That was a blessing. And I could always draw and I was very, very creative. But I had ADHD, so was very, very hard to concentrate. And if I were in school...

it was hard to really concentrate on, because you know in school they just want you to sit down and just learn. And they want you to learn to be creative. Let them be creative teachers. Let the kids be creative. And honestly in a lot of public bad schools, unfortunately I went to a public bad school, know creativeness was sucked out of you really, really early either with crime or it's just the fact that the teachers really were more in survival mode. Everybody that I was around growing up was in survival mode.

And so I, some of them teachers too, they just try to get up out of here. It was like lean on me. And so most of time books and stuff. had a Mr. Clark. man, listen me. That was like, but we didn't have a lot of men though. Yeah. You needed a Mr. Clark, but parents. We did not have a lot of men. And so that was one of the biggest things that really, really, you know, bothered me about the fact about not having a structure. So you did a full circle.

if you will. Yeah, I did a full circle in the fact that when I went to school, I said, you know what, I had that dream when I was younger and I was always creative. Let me go ahead and now pursue it. Yeah. And then, and that gave me the confidence and understand that. And then also too, what I want to do now is go out. I got a, you know, we're to found a foundation. are, we call it street architect. Yes, we're going to keep that quiet for now. Yeah. But I want to go ahead and inspire because for me, I didn't go to

performing art school or anything else like that, I didn't test well. And so because I didn't test well, I had to go to my local school versus a gifted and talented school. Detroit is very adamant about that too. If you don't test a certain way, can't get into most of the schools you all know about Chicago. We have selective enrollment too. However, I went to Catholic high school. But public schools here, we do have selective enrollment also. And we only got three.

And so by only having a small selection and I didn't test well, had to, like I said, I was more in survival mode, but I knew I was different. And so me going to PWI, and I really, really actually really want to be successful because my mother poured so much into me. So after leaving Alabama State, you came back to Detroit. And then all of a sudden I ended up taking that new one and then I had to go again. And then I ended up taking it and going to Chicago.

because I knew all, wasn't far away from my mother enough. And then at the same time, all the biggest architecture firms were in Chicago and this was the home of the first skyscrapers. And so with that being said, I came out here not knowing anybody. What about like 2000, early 2000s? Early 2000s. mid 2000s, yeah. Yeah. And I was willing to sleep on couches. I was willing to do whatever it took because friends I grew up with, you know, we're in Detroit.

If we can survive there, we can survive. And you had a pivotal. That was our thought process. And when y'all leave Detroit, y'all just don't leave. They excel and exceed. Because you know what? We feel like we got the whole city on our back. Yeah. You know, shout out to Willie Green, who's the coach of New Orleans Pelicans. Shout out to my boy Marcus, who's a producer out there in California. Doing his thing. You know, shout out to my boy Marcus Lucy. Yes. Who out here in Chicago doing his thing with the gyms. Owns a gym, yes. You know, so.

Urban grind, the way. Shout out to urban grind. So yes, we gonna leave, we gonna become somebody. know what, Luther, something so pivotal happened too, as you were leaving Detroit to come to Chicago, which kind of put in your mind that you knew it was time to go. And to be honest, it was the fact, I remember sitting on my mother's porch and I was struggling about leaving. I was really, really struggling about leaving. To come to Chicago. To come to Chicago. And something that will happen was the fact that

I was like, God, I just need a sign. I a sign to tell me. I remember saying, God, need a sign to tell me it's time to go. And first, my mom was like, hey, son, I want you just to be here if you need to go. And then secondly, I'm watching her go off to church and the next thing you know, somebody's shooting, you know, right, running down the street, chasing something, guess, a drug dealer. She had gotten in her car. And she was already gone. I just remember like, man, it's so good to sit here for a minute. And I wasn't living at home with my mom, by the way.

I used to always just make sure that she was okay. And so that happened. was like, okay, it's time to go. And then I came out to Chicago. Now I say all this to say, if you notice, the one thing I still did not mention is that relationships were still not high on On your to-do the to-do list. Yeah. And so now- You chased a career. I'm chasing a career. I'm chasing a career. And everybody around me keep telling me successes about your career. Now here's the thing though, for me, it was a hard adjustment because I had never been around-

professional folks. I had only been around people who was... A little bit opposite of me. I had been around... Yeah. I had even just had an adjustment because I was really, really rough around the edges. I just didn't understand like, know, scandal was an everyday thing for where I came from. Wow. But so that was an adjustment. And then one thing that I struggled with a lot was survivors remorse. Was getting out of Detroit and then this feeling like, man, I got to bring this much people out to see...

a different life so they can thrive differently without understanding that the first person that you need to save is yourself. Come on now. Everybody can go. Everybody can go. And then I did that with relationships. Wow. And that didn't work out. thank you from my beautiful children. Absolutely. Amazing son. And then even when I'm being here and understanding that I still need to be in therapy, a guy I still get therapy, a lot of the problems that we have is still from my childhood. Absolutely.

And so finally I was here in Chicago. I was dating a lot. I was aimlessly dating. I remember I told you I was, was, I was was dating. was dating. Now here's the thing too guys. This is for my guys. Stop dating without a purpose. Remember your success. I'm going tell you what I mean. Your success is predicated based on what your purpose and alignment is.

You have to understand that. We touched on that before. Like stop dating and your purpose ain't even slurred. And here's the thing, because here's the thing for guys, if you're dating without a purpose, then your woman will become your purpose. And unfortunately, that is not, there is always going to be the wrong way. She cannot be your purpose. Okay. So should you just not date to kind of see what you like? I think you should, but you know. No, for guys it's different. Yeah, because here's the thing.

Guys, by the way, if you don't understand what I mean, there's a book out there called The Way of the Superior Man. It's a great book to read about purpose. Every man, and see, this is what was hard right now for a lot of men, they're out here. They haven't been taught in the structure by another man about what structure is and their purpose. And this is why he speaks from the male perspective and me from the ladies Because the purpose that you need, right, has to be in alignment first from God. Then you have to have a purpose. What's your purpose in this world?

And then once you have that type of purpose, then this is now of what you need for how to treat a woman. I like that. And unfortunately... So it should be like a roadmap for men. It should be. And it should be almost like a, you know, a boot cap for manhood. I like that. And that's what we need to start instilling in our young boys early on so they can stop being in a pipeline depression. You and this table in your hand, bring it up and do the movements. And so, but that was it. And so with that being said...

I'm going to circle it all back and I'm going still give it back to you, is that for me, the entire journey that I talked about, relationships started to not be there presently, but I knew something was wrong. I knew something, was an empty feeling that I had. Absolutely. And so once around 28, I started to feel that empty feeling and I was just clubbing and everything else. And I started understanding that I was meeting the wrong type of people that I wanted in my life. But you attract who you are and where you are at that time in your life.

you do attract who you are and where you are in your life. that current time. If you're not happy with your results, then you need to look in the mirror. I'm starting with, don't know, okay, you know I'm always breaking the song. You really do need to look in the mirror. You need to look in the mirror. And a lot of times we tend to look exterior. Yeah. For interior. You know, just adopted architectural reference by the way. Come on now. start, many of us start, we look, we do, we need to do what? Look.

We need to look interior first. need to look into ourselves. And we often look exterior and see, here's the thing. We, I used to always be like something, it was something wrong with everybody but me. 100%. But no, it's something wrong with you and it's okay to really come to grips with that in life. Please. Ladies, that's me talking to you. It's something wrong with you too. Okay. And your results are your results. What I would like- What them results look like. And so for me, once I got serious about what I wanted to do and what type of man I wanted to

be. Then that also meant I had to make the tough decisions that I had to surround myself with friends that were more wanting to be married. Me who had that type of mindset because all the people that I was around was success in being a player. And so I knew that if I wasn't able to make drastic changes, then I would not be able to attract somebody like you. well me on the other hand, you know, I was doing very good in my career on paper off the chain.

Luth, I could never figure out, like you said, you felt like it was something out of place. And that's right before you became a father. was, and then that, and now I would say this much and I love my kids, but if I had to do over in the end, I would have Mary first. Mary before the And yes, because that mindset of having just kids is not what you want to do. You want to make sure that we are in the right mindset. And so with that being said,

This episode was really just to talk about a journey of putting forth more of a togetherness mindset because right now our communities are really reassembled from the lack of relationships and we don't have foundations. We're to talk more about...

what really happened. And as we get more into this, I want to share our journey of us getting together. Correct. And so we can't keep it all in one episode, but this was good. And let's let people know about our history, our journey. We're going to keep talking about the journey because how we even meet. Yeah, we're going to go through all of that. But we wanted to kind of go through this and talk about it and let's talk about it. Absolutely. Episode two. Yes. Right.

Yes. You know, my career never failed me. But relationships did. So we're going to talk about more when the career didn't line up to what was going on in your life. to me, you are not successful without having career, success in your personal life. that's a nugget Luther. Personal success, it will bleed out what your personal life is like when you cannot sustain certain things in your life.

All right, so this is another episode. Let's talk about it. We have talked about it tonight, so I can't wait to join you again, Luther. And we're going to have some more conversations on Let's Talk About It with your girl Samantha. Amen. And your name is Amen. All right now. All right, y'all. Peace. Peace.