The Mystery Behind Family Dysfunction: Lost In Translation

Summary

In this episode of 'Let's Talk About It,' hosts Samantha and Luther delve into the complexities of relationships, discussing the challenges of modern dating, the impact of social media on self-image, and the importance of authenticity. They explore the significance of health and fitness in relationships, share community appreciation moments, and address the theme of dysfunctional relationships. The conversation emphasizes personal growth, mindset shifts, and the need for genuine connections in today's world. In this episode, the hosts delve into the complexities of relationships, emphasizing the importance of recognizing intentions, healing from childhood trauma, and the necessity of being intentional in dating. They discuss how unresolved issues from the past can affect current relationships and stress the need for self-improvement and emotional health. The conversation also touches on the significance of building together in relationships and the impact of dysfunctional relationships with family and friends.

Chapters

00:00 Introduction to Relationships
06:01 The Importance of Authenticity
11:47 Derrick Rose Appreciation and Community
29:08 Attracting Healthy Relationships
36:30 Recognizing Intentions in Relationships
41:41 The Impact of Childhood Trauma on Adult Relationships
52:16 Navigating Intentional Relationships
01:00:14 Dysfunctional Relationships: Family and Friends
01:06:36 Building Together: The Key to Healthy Relationships


Takeaways

• Marriage is an amazing thing, but relationships require work.
• Dating apps are losing their effectiveness; meeting people in person is crucial.
• Social media often presents a filtered version of reality, leading to unrealistic expectations.
• Authenticity is key; people should embrace their true selves instead of relying on filters.
• Health and fitness play a significant role in maintaining relationships.
• Community appreciation, like Derrick Rose's, fosters connection and support.
• Recognizing dysfunctional relationships is the first step towards healing.
• Personal growth and mindset shifts are essential for attracting healthy relationships.
• Actions speak louder than words in dating; pay attention to non-verbal cues.
• Men are not intimidated by women; they are often irritated by group dynamics. It doesn't take long to recognize true intentions in relationships.
• Healing from past trauma is crucial for healthy relationships.
• You attract what you are; focus on self-improvement.
• Your time is valuable; don't waste it on the wrong people.
• Dysfunctional relationships often stem from unresolved childhood issues.
• Intentionality in dating leads to better outcomes.
• Trust actions over words in relationships.
• Building together is key to a successful partnership.
• Protect your peace by stepping away from negativity.
• Self-awareness and personal growth are essential for healthy relationships.

Transcript

Lets Talk About It - EP 3 (00:01)
What's going on everybody? It is your girl, Samantha. And it's Luther. And we are here for another episode of our podcast. Let's talk about it. The relationship podcast. That's what it is. Relationships. Right? Relationships. Yes. Speaking of relationships, oh Lord, marriage is an amazing thing. marriage is such an amazing thing. Yes. Behind the scenes, you never know what is going on in any type of relationship, but that is why we are here to talk about the behind the scenes, in front of the scenes, on the side, all that. All of it.

All over from beginning to ending. Listen, y'all, it is a new year, Luther. Happy new year. Happy new year, babe. Happy new year. are back. We are back. Chilly. Very, very chilly. Freezing out here I mean, listen. Out here. Out here. Will we say here in Chicago? I'm from Detroit, so we don't say all that. It is 2025. Again, happy new year to everybody. Hope y'all are having a great start to your new year. And we are excited to be back with you all on our third.

So we are just going, you know, this is what we're doing. And we're excited to have the conversations about relationships and getting together, first of all, meeting, getting together and staying together. Because you know what I'm meeting, because people aren't even meeting. Now, are. Look, one of the biggest things that we want to talk about with this show is meeting people. Because you know what, just like you said, we are not meeting people. Unfortunately, the dating apps have given up.

Not Bumble used to be for the ladies and then all of sudden the ladies kept complaining when it was only swiping right 5 % of time. I'm just saying, like how you gonna have it meant for you can pick out the guy and then you still not get it right. Dating apps are, are they a thing of the past? I think that they are winding down unfortunately, but you know what? At the end of the day, I commend you for trying, but we gotta do better. I agree, dating apps.

Make an appointment, get off the app and make an appointment with yourself to go outside and meet somebody. Even though it's cold, we go outside when it's freezing. Quit acting like y'all got no coat. What's that? You we can't find them on iPad no more? Not on the iPad. I'm just saying like, we, we, you know, we live through social media. So, you know, if it ain't on social media, ain't real. We all speaking of social media, don't be really y'all stay on social media. People, they show us highlights on social media highlights. Yeah. mean, no lowlights.

I mean, why would they want to show the low lights? mean, you want us to mistake these people for real? Come on now. Listen. I mean, we got to be like the celebrities. I mean, if you think about it, you're meeting the representative most of the time, I mean, at least six months to a year. You ain't even meeting the real person. I agree. So you know. I agree with that. I mean, social media got us so cosmetic. I'm about to take it back to the 80s. It got us up here feeling like the mannequin. Not mannequin.

Not, you didn't bring them back to mannequin. Most people ain't even go, you didn't date yourself real deep, real big with it. I'm just saying. The fact that I know the actor's name is bad name, I'm not even doing that mannequin. Laura, shout out to Kim Catrio, Samantha Johns for y'all people that, you know. Yeah, look, I'm just saying. Andrew McCarthy. anyway, people are so cosmetically messed up these days with social media that.

It is, it's, not going to say it's not real because there are people do we're transparent on social media. I'm, transparent. Not to the point where you're to know all my business, but you know enough. But I just think that I get so sick of it. I'm that I'm going there tonight, Luther, before we get into the meat of the show, y'all ladies and some of the fellas who, but more so my sisters stop with these filters. Cause I be seeing some of y'all in the curtain. I see some of y'all that don't even know who y'all are. Stop with this filter. So, is it though?

Are you talking about the ladies wearing filters or with filters? I just said that. It's more so the ladies versus the men with these filters. Stop playing with me. Your nose, you did not go get your nose done. And I see you in person. I'm like, well, who is that? Girl, you ain't seen my photo. No, I didn't, because I don't know who you are. Apparently, I'm looking at somebody else, because you ain't in front of me right now. So let me get this straight. So you trying to me that the pictures that I'm looking at on social media ain't real.

No, most of them are not. You know, it's nothing wrong with a little airbrush for some time. want to do a little thing. Airbrush? They do a little. Where the airbrushes come from? Filters. Filters. And then some of them, they didn't get so crafty with it, they filtering their physique. Oh. you filter the physique. I see you. Tummy tucking the filter? Tummy tucking on the filter. Doing a light bulb on the filter. Light bulb filters. Light bulb filters. And when you see them in person, like, who is that girl? Why? Yeah.

You put me on game a little bit when you're after seeing the eyes. You talking about the eyes and everything. could say, oh, because the eyes be a little bit more, you know, for those of us that are watching us, you all know, you can see the eyes be like, oh, oh. And I'm like, did you get your contour made up? No. And then you see them in person. You all know what it is. Stop playing because you playing yourself out of meeting somebody for that, for they sell you something. I want somebody that's real. Be real about yourself on social media. Stop using filters. Filter your life and get you some.

Let me stop, because I'm sorry. the man. It went off. Even if you're about less filters, right? Yes. In real life, what do you mean? ain't the representative. They filter their life, You filter their life. So now you over here, you over here, like, lashes, the hair. I like the lashes. It's the makeup. I'm just saying, so by the time they wake up, the person that they lay down with, 50 % of them already gone. So you know what saying? They like, whoo.

Like, I'm gonna get you suckin'. He was ahead of his time. not winnin', so now I'm gonna get you suckin'. She took everything off. But look, I like a little lash, ladies. Ain't nothing wrong with a little lash. Luther know I put on the lash. But let me tell you, this how weird we are. I'm not winnin' snuff-a-luff-a-kiss, this is. I'm not. You get lashes flyin' more than you, but you done flew. Took flight. They took flight. They took flight with the lash. Like, never in the store, okay. All right. The lash is lash. So, basically what we're trying to say is that...

I mean, we know that they ain't doing it for the men, because look, even though it may get our attention, that's it. It's attention-gathered. So you think we're doing it more so for other women? Oh, 100 % less to because men, do y'all even like all that? I would say this much. Y'all like a little enhancement? No, no. I would say this much. I'm little maker. We don't mind if it's tastefully done. What did they say? Shout out to the new movie, 6 AAA.

That was a great movie. What did they say? Shout out to Tyler Perry, Kerry Washington, Ebony Obsidian, amazing actresses. What did she say? Kerry Washington about their makeup. I can't remember the words she said when they were in basic training. She said minimal makeup or something like that just to look. Because they wanted them in makeup. But they don't want no plastic surgery makeup. Y'all be contouring. So basically they don't want your face beat. That's saying.

I mean, because of Mariah did a little beat. did a little beat. So I'm on a little beat. Boop, boop, boop. All right. But, you know, that's what, I mean. They ain't know nothing about no beat back in them times. No, no. They just knew, well, they knew conservative, right? Yeah, yeah. So I think what we have to do is we got to figure out a way to get back to the middle portion of it, right? Because that's kind of really where we are right now is just trying to figure out what that middle portion is. Because for us, for the most part,

We like natural looking. that's not the same. Oh, Lord. Now when you hear word natural. We just like natural looking. I it now. I like makeup, You know that. I know. But when you put makeup on, it's natural looking. Well, thank you. I try to do a little something. know, I could put my hand, if you're watching, I could put my hand on my face. And for those who are listening on the audio, I have my hands on my cheeks. And you can see that. But it's no transference. It's no transference. Natural looking.

So like I said before, it's, but when it's starting to give so much, then it's like, you know what I'm saying? You ain't trying to impress us because like I said, we don't necessarily care for it as much. you know what? That's the whole purpose of these types of conversations overall. So that's why it confused me with the whole natural looking because most of us, don't need makeup. Some of y'all do need a little rouge. Ladies, we all get upset with me. I wear a little...

makeup or some, I don't need me. Yes, you do. You need a little cosmetic, a little boom, boom, boom, and a little lipstick, a little lip chap and some rouge. Some rouge. No, rouge, a little blush. A little blush. Don't say rouge, but a little blush, a little rouge. So natural ladies, natural looking in the men, you know, look. Better get a fade, fellas. Fade it up. Fade it up, gem it up. I'm just saying, like.

Let's not talk about that gym. 2025, know, folks that made a resolution, they make the resolution in January. They'd be gone by January 31st. Yes, it fades away. you know what? Fitness is a lifestyle. Fitness is definitely a lifestyle. My beautiful wife has lost about 45 pounds since January of last year. so. Through the whole year. Yeah, and I've maintained it. Maintained it and look.

and didn't even do it in the gym most of the time at home, at home YouTube workouts. So I don't want to hear no excuses. Keep it real. And if you to us on social media, you see it at the Street Architect for Lutheran at Talk to Samantha for me. I really did the work and I documented it. After I'm a surgery, I got my core back together. I had a surgery about my core and it is not impossible. talk about the surgery that you had. You know, because I was transparent about it. I have fibroid surgery and because ladies and I, I implore my ladies who are suffering with fibroids.

to go ahead and get them. We'll talk about that deeper in another show. But I say that to say I was almost at 200 pounds. And from my height and my frame, I was uncomfortable. It's certain clothes I like to wear. I like to look good. Not just for my husband, of course, but for me. You know what saying? I just want to live. But I'm confused. Are you talking about the BMI? Because that's white people stuff. body mass index. I really pay attention to that now.

And a lot of us but black women are shaped different. We are we are more, you know, aptly hip and and physique and hips and behind We do have more of that So I do pay attention to the BMI chart and where I'm at right now with my weight, of course Luther I'm like, I want to lose seven more. It's these seven stubborn pounds that I just have to lose Okay, okay, but I try and then we just come back from the holidays. We didn't make an excuse Luther now we're in a gym, right?

We're going to keep being in the gym. I'm really, really proud of you. Oh, thank you for that. You proud of the outfit I'm wearing? Yeah, yeah. Slim waist, pretty in the waist. Ladies, trust me. I don't care what no man tells you. Boom, boom. Listen, we appreciate physique. We appreciate it especially. And there's not no fat shaming over here, but we do appreciate physique because we're visual.

So I want to put that out there. Say that again. Me and our visuals. Me and our visuals. So looks at me. If you want to keep my eyes in the house, then we, you know, and both ways. You want to keep them eyes in the house, put them to work behind the scenes so we can look good. If you want to keep the eyes in the house, you better look good for your spouse. That's, that's There it is. And we, and we can't. the eyes in the house and look good for your spouse. And we can't be using kids when the kid's 10 years old. We like, you know, I'm just trying to lose weight.

But you know, since I had a little Jimmy, well how old is he? Girl, you know he 10 now. Stop. So you know, it's just one of those things. Now look, we want to get into actually talking about them. Say it again, if you want to keep your spouse. If you want to keep them eyes in the house. Yeah, you want to make sure that you work on your... Look good for your spouse. Yeah, look good and then have a nice attitude. There, sometimes man wakers, okay? Yes, yes.

Well, you know, we are all the work in progress. But thank you so much for the love, baby. You are looking great too. I'm glad that I'm able to inspire you with your workouts and eating good foods and health. yeah. trust me. That's the other aspect too, because the one thing that I really, really respect about you, sweetheart, is that in the house, not only do you love to cook, which I love. Well, thank you. And I love to cook as well. Yes, you do. it's the fact that you find recipes. Look, our kitchen has so many different.

Seasoning stuff. Seasoning stuff. I think I'm everywhere I do all the seasonings. And it's not we don't just have no lorries up in the okay. We have cumin, we turmeric, we have sage, we have thyme. We have coriander. It's a full cabinetry. That's all I got to say. I just like to make sure that, and I got that from my mom, like keeping a house full and fully stocked and my grandmother too with food.

And so one of the things that I pride myself on in Luther, and I'm glad that I'm able to cook for you, I get a joy out of cooking for you. Man, listen me, fellas, get a woman who enjoys cooking. Trust me, you don't want to be forcing somebody to cook. And you also want to like, for me, I'll find recipes on Instagram and I'll try to come up with some cooking recipes as well too. Shout out to your, the Mary Meats Salmon.

your other, your good pasta dishes and things. So we do eat now. I'm just not going to sit up here and say, I eat healthy. No, I don't. We had a burger today, but you know, you gotta do what you gotta do. And most of the time we are eating pretty, pretty, pretty good. It's all about the food. Working out is good, but what you eating? So what you eating and then even just my wife just being on me about even just the cups. And I'm serious. 16 gallons, you know, eight times a day. gotta drink your water.

Okay, Nemo. I'm Nemo. Dory. You know, but it's really a big thing. But yeah, so also to want to definitely give a shout out to Derrick Rose. Derrick Rose appreciation. Be careful sweetheart. Shining shoulder, the Rose. There you go. We went out to Clivemore. He knew the Rose. No, wait, I got to tell you where we was outside today. No, can tell you this because they had to, it's showing his journey obviously with the stuff. you can put it back there. All right, Derrick Rose.

Murray Park's finest for the people from Inglewood, know, West Inglewood. There we go. Now we got separated. But today is Derek Rose Appreciation Day at the Chicago on this week in Chicago, right? Yep. And so we want to definitely give a shout out to that. We went over to the park to our appreciation. It was cold. It was very, cold. But you know, we want to still show up and show out, right? Especially for one of our own. I wore a Chicago t-shirt. didn't even know it was zip because I was freezing. Looked the hat on ahead with every NBA team.

on the head. All right. And you was sharp. They had the Jordans on. you know, shout out to Derrick Rose. Today it's one three. It was for one four. Yeah. One four two five. And so those are going to be, and then next year he's going to get a retired. Hopefully he didn't get them little crazy statues they've been doing. man. You Allen Iverson had the miniature statue.

And then Dwayne Wade had the Robocop statue. Jordan's statue was nice at the United Center here in Chicago, which is from Chicago. You know, it's a stadium. my old school Chicago folks know it's a stadium. How we grew up, you see. You shout out to the United Center though, they do that thing. But hopefully Derek Rose will get a nice statue, statuette, whatever it is. And please don't do one of them. I don't know how they mess them I don't know. But that's one of the biggest things. So the name of this show is going to be called Dysfunctional Relationships. shout out. We going to flip.

a little bit shout out again to Derek Rowe. So dysfunctional relationships, we're going to talk about that today. We are going to talk about dysfunctional relationships, but before we do that, one of the things that we were talking about on, what was the last episode? My career never failed me, but relationships did. So a part of that, I was telling my story, but one of the biggest parts of that for Samantha, and it's really, really crucial that we talk about it.

is when you got your epiphany, you know, I like to use big words. Epiphany. You know, that gut feeling. Okay, yes, that gut feeling. At your 40th birthday party. wow. And I want to take you back there of your mindset of your 40th birthday party and then just what was going through your head. And just take us to that journey because you didn't told me, but the audience has not heard it. Yeah. And I think it's really, important. This audience hasn't heard it. This audience hasn't heard it because I think it's really, really important.

for a lot of us to understand that we have different moments in life. Yeah, we do. And a lot of times we don't listen. Right. And we just either get back into another bad relationship. Sometimes we need to take a pause. Or we get back into the swing of being single and stuck on ourselves. Stuck on ourselves, which we do because we start getting finances. Yeah. But you decide to listen to yourself. And so why don't you just take us back there of your 40th birthday and just take us on that journey. Because remember,

you started to project and tell people what you were before you were. Absolutely. You know, my goodness, what's so crazy? As you call it, I did course correction. There we go. I didn't even realize I was doing that. know I was 39 and I remember this is right before the pandemic started. And I just started having these feelings. I'm like, okay, I knew deep down Luther that I wanted to be married. Okay. I knew that. I knew that I wanted to be a wife and a mother. I knew that.

But the way I was going about it, I didn't realize what I was doing. I'm thinking that I'm dating, you know, and... What's the intention? Yeah, that's what I thought I was doing. But apparently I wasn't. That's not what I was putting out there. And this is where we need to start being honest with ourselves. And I get so tired of hearing women say, well, I just can't find nobody. How are you dating? What are you doing when you're dating? I start asking people that I know, how are you dating? What do you say on dates? And I would love to do a conversation with some of my friends who are single.

How are you actually dating? What do you do on dates? And that's going to be our next show, by the way. We are going to actually do a live with singles and couples so we can actually start to get some dialogue and figure that out because we know what they're doing ain't working. It's something that they're not doing that's not working. It ain't in the water. It's not in the water. ain't the water you drink because Chicago got some good water. Illinois got good water. We're back in Lake Michigan. playing. ain't in the water you drinking. It's the energy you putting out.

So that's what it is. And so I didn't realize what kind of energy I was putting out there, but now I know it was energy that of just the home girl. That's what I was putting out there. So you putting out the home girl. I was putting out the home girl You weren't putting out the alpha female? Partly alpha female because the, don't really need you. I want you. I was putting that out there. And also the home girl. I'm really going to to the home girl because I would give pretty far.

Like with guys, but never hitting the home run. You know what I'm saying? was like, and to me, the home run was, okay, I'm very serious about you, Samantha. I'm interested in taking it to the next level with you. That's what I'm gonna say the home run is, not scoring, not just having sex. Yeah. Because that's not gonna sustain anything. So sex is not sustainable. It's just really not all that much good that you feel like you got out here. So anyway, I'm just kidding. Just keeping it right in my bag.

the shots here, but anyway, what I was doing was apparently not working for me. So I remember talking to different gentlemen and stuff like that. I'm like, well, what's up with me? Again, some of the alpha female energy, attitude, I'm not going to deny nothing. I'm putting it all on the table. So you're to real and raw with it. Be real and raw with it. So yeah, some of it, my attitude and like I said on paper,

an appearance off the chain. I had gotten to a point too where I was pretty decent looking. I went to the gym, started working out, and I was going to the gym real heavy then.

I even got lost. I didn't lose as much as I have now, but I was looking good. So going into my 40th birthday, was giving looks, like looks. Like, oh my God, like girl. But why wouldn't it connect? Why wouldn't it connect? I did not understand. I'm even looking at like the dress I for my birthday. It's a little too big. And that right there, I just like a size eight. So I'm like a six now. But anyway, I ain't trying to throw sizes out there, but I was looking good in essence. Looking nice, toned up.

I'm like, okay, I'm looking good on the outside, but what am I putting out there from the inside that is not connecting? So around my birthday, around going into my 40th birthday, which is in the fall, I remember I was talking to somebody and I remember telling this gentleman, Luther. he was a dark skinned brother too. Listen, so he was chocolate. me tell you, I'm saying this for a reason, okay, with a complexion. So I remember saying, hey, you know what? And I just started having these feelings. I said,

I'm a wife. I am a wife. This chocolate brother looked at me, y'all, turned bright as Casper. I'm like, whoa, his ass got so big, like, my God. You know what I'm saying? Like, did you just say that he got as light as Casper, the friendliest, the darkest he was? I saw it, I'm like, well, dad, what did I say? Did I frighten him? Did I scare him? Well, I don't want to scare him because I like him, but I am, I felt like I was a wife. Hope, put a pin in that.

Most people will keep somebody around because they don't want to frighten them. But I said, you know what? I start feeling different about, I was like, I said that to him in the way he looked at me, like he saw a ghost. I'm like, he ain't the one. But old me would have kept talking to him like a lot of us do. Come on. Trying to save a situation that's You want to resuscitate.

A man that has blatantly told you that ain't what he wants, showed you that ain't what he want, and you want to hold on. Yeah, I think too, you know, a lot of women want to hear something verbal. We do. We do. And unfortunately, we need to stop looking for verbals, looking for non-verbals. Yeah. We need to look at what his actions are actually The way he looked at me, I was like, dang. Like, basically, I might want that, but not with you. 100%.

And I was like, okay, I'm putting out his energy out here. I'm thinking he was fine. He did, he did. But he might've thought I was cute, but not enough to take me to that next level. So I had started like, okay, you know what? And I was working at the radio station and I'm like, let me just focus back on work. But I started feeling different. And I remember my 40th birthday party, lavish. And at this time it was pandemic, 2020. And I'm like,

lavish party. I show you the pictures, so many people, shout out to the people I inspired to use my decor. But it was a beautiful, okay, you know, I'm gonna be a little funny. But anyway, no, it was a great event and I had, I invited 40 people. Shout out to everybody that came. I'm telling you, Luther, the theme, was like in a garden, outside garden, garden party chic, everything. I changed clothes three times, photos. It was just a beautiful event. Like honestly, that was one of my best.

together events. But there is a button there. There is a button there. So we leave in the party, right? My mom and my sister there. Shout out to my mom and my sister and a couple of my people that I knew. I had gotten so many gifts and my event planner, her and her husband, they helped pack it up. Listen, her husband helped pack the stuff up. I had invited some gentlemen who I thought were gentlemen to the party and they helped packing it up. So I looked up at me, my mom and my sister packing up the car, my car. Because I came to the party, I drove my car.

there. So I'm like, okay. And I get home, I open my gifts with my mom and my sister and my neighbor at the time. Literally, like I had so much stuff down to etched bottles with, you know, champagne bottles etched with my name engraved etched all that good stuff. So yeah, it sounded like you had it everything. But I said, how am I leaving this birthday party with no man?

And I'm like, I invited all these people. It was free. Open bar. And you invited Potentials there. I did invite Potentials. I'm call it Spade and Spade. They were invited. Potential guys that I liked. I We're gonna call it Spade and Spade right now. Like Potentials. That's a good one. I mean, let's call it Spade and Spade. I said, what am I doing wrong? Luther, I remember meeting you. My birthday was in September. October, I went to Cancun. Yes, you did.

And I remember it was a girls trip. me and I was trying to get some people to go, but only me and another girlfriend went. And I remember going to Cancun, our room was so sexy. I said, this ain't nothing for no two women. You know, shut up. I know, you know, I ain't shaming. I am OK. I want to be with my man. Me and her, we talked about that on the whole trip, me and my girlfriend at the time on the trip. We was both saying, you know, we

the sheer, the curtains just fanning in the room. I remember getting on that plane leaving Cancun. I said these words out of my mouth, This was October 2020, a month after my birthday. I said, God, this was fun. We had a great time. But the next time I come to Mexico, I want it to be with my man. I said that. And I'm like, this is for the birds.

Hey, is nothing wrong with a girl's life? I thought you know, girl, that's all I see when I go to these restaurants, huge groups of women. It's wrong with having your time. All these groups all the time. I agree with having your girl time, but don't make it all the time. And that's why I'm poking fun at it because what you're starting to see is over reliance on.

uh, female groups and what that does for me. And when we look at it, ain't that we weak, we just don't want to approach. a force field, like the whole force, like I've had to see a woman at the bar sitting by herself and seeing a whole group of 20. You don't even want to her. See ladies, need to know this kind of stuff. Men do think like that. So all the time going out with your friends is not it. It's a propelling almost. It is like a off you spray it. Yeah. trust me, instead of insect repellent, man repellent. Yeah. we trust me.

We are not intimidated. We are irritated. That's my, on everybody say that. Men are not intimidated, ladies, they are irritated. so with that being said, is we don't, how are we going to be irritated when we are, we are boss on our own right, when we go into these jobs and everything else. We didn't make it this far just being weak. It's just certain things that we don't want to deal with. You don't want to deal with it. And so, and I, and I was making fun of it. Like every female that you invite to go out with you all the time, you know off that you use some mosquitoes, you bought another can off.

And you keeping men off you. Because there's so many females. So think about that. When y'all in these big groups, everybody has a can of off. Man. so, thinking like, well, so what you want me to do? Go there by myself? Yes. Yes. Primarily steak houses. All right. I want you to, if you talking, listen to me, me and date within proximity. I just want to make sure you understand that, women. Break it down, because somebody don't understand. in proximity, OK? So whoever he is around at the time when he is ready.

So being in proximity is the first step. Okay. Well, now obviously the second step could be healed as the first step. You got to be healed. All right. So in that time, we're to go back. I want you to finish with your statement. Okay. appreciate it sweetheart. But that's being, you know, number one is healed. Number two is being in proximity. All right. All right. But then what I want to do is I want to redirect from this story because the story is real good. And I want to, really want this story to be talked about because you know what? Every one of you may be on your own personal journey. Absolutely. And you want to start to attract

and start to understand what it is that you need to do to get results that you want. But the first part is you have to also, what you did was you had to start shifting your mindset. I had to start shifting my mindset and I knew the feeling was real. I do believe that I started feeling this way a little bit earlier in my life, but I didn't know how to articulate it. And I was traveling a lot with my career working in TV news. I was moving to different cities and states. So I knew that I

felt that way in my mid thirties, but the people that I were around, I wasn't able to really express that because that's not the energy that somebody else wanted to give me. Same situation, but I held on to somebody who wasn't giving me that energy that I wanted because I'm like, I don't want to lose them. I I should have left them alone, but I kept holding on. Yeah. I think what happens to is, that when,

What happens is when we feel like we deserve a lot of stuff in this generation is we are really, really entitled. What we don't understand is that no matter what, there's still a natural instinct. And men's natural instinct is to lead. So when you take out the leading portion of it and now I'm just there and you're doing most of the work and I'm just kind of just being a recipient of it, then I'm not really interested. Break that down to somebody that don't get it. Because when I'm supposed to lead,

We don't think we're trying to lead you. don't think that you're trying to lead, but you are leading. Yeah. All right. So By doing what? Just making moves and just, you may think that you're making your intentions known and stuff like that, but unfortunately, with that type of mentality, for men, we're hunters, natural hunters. so because we're natural hunters, that means that, you know, we pursue. So if you take out the pursuit...

And now it's just like, okay, there's nothing there and you're just acting. We're not saying it'll be hard to get. But, you know, us, Pursue, we need to make the dates. We have to show intentionality. You know, no different than when I met you. Okay, so we didn't get to that yet. I'm still in October. Remember what I said? I got on the plane and I said, God, the next time I come to Mexico, I want to be with my man. And I said that, I don't know what... I was members and I had a window seat and I said, Lord, today.

Oh, Jesus name, amen. Amen. So you did the Samantha prayer. I did the Samantha prayer. I'm not knowing at the time, but I remember asking like different people around me, did they know somebody? Because I was trying, I was really interested in meeting somebody. And I remember in November, I went to a party. It was a house party at the time. And this was during pandemic steel. But people were still trying to be outside. If you went to like small gatherings, it wasn't that bad. At this point, COVID is a bad cold. But that's that. So anyway,

I remember going to this party and I... Shout out to house parties. Yeah, shout out to house parties. And I had a long day. remember I got my makeup done. I had a photo shoot that day and I'm like, I ain't gonna waste this makeup. I'm like, I'm going out. It was late at night. I was tired. It was a party at the nine. I'm over 35. I'm tired. Make a long story short, I was talking to somebody and I had asked this gentleman, said, and no shade on other guys that I've dated too in case they ever watch or ever see this. They just weren't for me. I'm shading them.

They just weren't for me. And I remember talking to him, I said, hey, why don't you meet me at my friend's, know, come with. It was every excuse why he couldn't go. So I'm like, all I'll just go by myself. I didn't let that stop me. I just went by myself. Fast forward, everything was preventing me from getting there. I had to stop and grab the host a gift. And I remember pulling up and I said, well, whoever this is walking in.

I'll walk with them because I'll feel safe. At least it could be somebody and it would turn out to be a man, a gentleman. And I'm like, okay, I don't know the Tigers, Detroit Tigers had. I'm like, hey, you going to this party? That's exactly how I said, hey, you going to this party, Lord Jesus. And fast forward, y'all, it was a little tiring. Yes, it was me. Anyway, and fast forward, my next trip to Mexico was a month later and it was with...

It was. Now, I'm not going to lie. Even though we showed up to the party separately. We did. Yeah. Like she kept it real. She said she was currently dating somebody. We trying to date somebody. I was trying. We was just talking. And I was meeting the date there. And I did not know. Because we came in single. Yeah. So I met a date there. And then when she got there, I dipped off to the side. Right. And all of sudden. But I got photographic evidence of her. Yes.

Yes. Well, I do. But the next day, you know, it was a picture posted of me on social media. Somebody slid in a DM. Slipped in a DM. Needless to say. Yeah, needless to say. Hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey, Wife today. Anyway. But seriously, we went and I made the prayer. And you didn't know I wanted to go to Mexico. No, I didn't know that. No, I didn't. So that's when you started calling me change the weatherman. Yes, because I remember he had...

I come home from work and I visited your place and I was like, it's getting cold in Chicago. I kept saying that. I'm like, it's getting cold. Because around that, we met, it was nice outside. Because I did a photo shoot on a rooftop in November in Chicago and I had no jacket on. And so anyway, remember you telling me check my email. And I was like, who checked their email at the work out? But he said, I see it. Check your email. I was like, tell him. Picked up my phone and he said, you say you're getting cold. I'm going to change the weather for you. said,

It was a ticket to Mexico, to Tulum. What did I just ask? I did the Samantha prayer in October, but it's more than just a prayer. say the Sierra prayer, but I know Samantha put it into work too. Not saying Sierra didn't because I don't know her situation, but that was the big thing going around with the Sierra prayer. But I put myself, I started changing my mindset, but you did tell me when you reached out to me that you see that I had been doing the work. Was it just my physique? No, I just felt a certain type of energy.

And so with that being said... I'm doing the work on my body and stuff. But he's like the mental work, which is work that I'm still doing because I see a personal therapist and... So I'm still personal therapist? Yes. I see one. And we're going to get into dysfunctional families, dysfunctional relationships in a minute. But... Shoot, I was dysfunctionally dating, relationshiping. We all were. I was making dysfunctional decisions. And when you have not taken the time to actually heal...

start to deal with these dysfunctional relationships. And we're going to dive into the family ones. We're going to dive into the dating ones really soon. But the crux of this story that you share with us is that first you had to change your mindset, right? Yeah. Then you changed the weather. OK, I'm playing. I'm playing. And I did change the weather. But one of the other things too is when I first met you, one of the biggest things I told you when we first started dating is I had took a couple of years off. dating.

after a failed relationship and also sought therapy as well. And when we met, I didn't using excuses about what that person had done. I said all the things that I needed to do better, what I needed to change. So, and I like that you brought that up because most of the time when you hear somebody and they say they broke up with somebody, if the main source of why they broke up was with these and they, and they, what did you do? And we always, you know, we always, we always need to, you know,

seek the personal accountability first. But unfortunately in this day and time, we always sink the point fingers of somebody else. And so at this time for me, was like, know what, wherever I was in my life and also to guys, whatever energy that you are possessing at the time, that is also what you're going to attract. That's why it's so important to really, really get a personal therapist, make sure that their energy level.

and where you are in life, are you happy with yourself? Are you happy with the things that you're doing? And all those things will start to project outwards and those will bring signals and bring and attract what you want. So like for me, one of the biggest things I knew that I was healed is I started attracting better people. That doesn't necessarily mean that the next person was going to be right one. But it just meant that I was attracting better people. Now, one of the things I will say that really, really is important to me

was the fact that when we met and I had felt that it was a strong connection, I told you that, babe, I'll shut it all down for you. And I said that before, because I think you said this on one of the episodes, I didn't know what he was talking about shutting down. I said, shut one down. And for who? What? And I couldn't even receive it. No, and that's, and unfortunately, when you, when I talked about it, we talked about this another episode where we're so busy playing defense that we don't understand what offense is. And offense is really being

able to receive without thinking critical. That is offense. Defense is like, you know what, he moving too fast. I don't know if I really trust him. That just means that you really are not healed because at the end of the day, if a man is really intentional, he is going to move fast because we do not play around. Come on, y'all don't play. No, because if we see something that is of value, then we are going to take that off the market. And you that. We do not.

It doesn't take six months. It don't take a year. said that before. No, we take it off the market immediately. So if he ain't trying to take you off the market, then he don't want you. ain't the one. And I really wish that people, especially my sisters would understand that my women, does not... What a common saying in his song, it don't take all day to recognize my son. It does not take all day. We know immediately. Y'all know. But that's the difference about being healed.

That's the trick because when, I said, when you're healed, that means that you're more offensively minded to understand, like, you know, not open. before I met you, I would date women and I would be straight up upfront with them and just be honest about my life and what I was trying to do with my intention. This is when you start getting healed. Yeah. But what was so funny is that the women would literally be turned off. Like, no, no, this can't be real. He ain't right. And unfortunately, what that told me

All right? One, protect yourself, move on. Move on. Secondly, though, those women would try to circle back around because they were not ready for it. were not ready for somebody to actually be a front-line versus the men that they were entertaining. The men that were playing around with their feelings. Because a lot of us, want that. We say we want it. But when a man come to you and say that that is what he's ready for, the first thing, because, Luther, when you ask me to go out of town, Cricut's...

I said, well, something's wrong with him. He want to take me out of town this fast. What's wrong with him? is this, he's that. Versus, I knew that's what I wanted, but couldn't even receive it. And I'm going say this, ladies, it don't matter how pretty you make your package.

whatever you put on, how much makeup you put on, how many cute outfits you can get, that you can get shipped to your house on Express ship and you wear these outfits, get them beautiful, you go on shopping. What are your insides like? Because if you keep attracting a certain type of person. Yes, you are that. You are what you attract. And unfortunately, this is one of the biggest things I want to say ladies and men. particularly my ladies is that see men, even though when we attain status, we will date women, you know,

at all different places. Long is she nice. Long is she nice, agreeable. Yeah. Not a slave, but agreeable. I was going say, because somebody, what you mean agreeable? I am agreeable. Which we know you're not. That's how they sound too. I am agreeable. With a neck. And not cabata. But. then go 360, I am agreeable. Exactly. Agreeable. I'm nice.

Yeah, I know they're not. Okay. Because that's how we be responding, because I used to do it. And I will tell you, Luther, I'm so glad that you mentioned, you know, just different things that we're talking about with the relationships. And we say we want certain things, but you were upfront and honest with women and they would basically get scared. They got scared and they couldn't receive it. Scared and couldn't receive And so, which was confusing. You scared me a little bit, because I was like, well, he moved too fast.

He ain't moving too fast ladies, you just moving too slow in your process and you blink and he married. Yeah. And now all of sudden you... Thank you, next. Sorry, I'm not... Okay. But that's one of the biggest things that, you know, we just got to be really, really intentional about. And when you are intentional, you actually want to scare the...

of people who are away. I agree. All right, women, if you are going to be serious about a man, your time is your most valuable possession, especially older. And so you don't have a whole lot of time to waste. I mean, you shouldn't even be going to more than one or two dates to know and understand what it is that he wants from you. on, ladies. What is he himself? And if he's got a plan. So I had a plan not only for myself and my purpose, but I also had a plan for my wife. Come on, Lover. And so those things have to be really understood.

But see what we'll do, and I met somebody recently. said, well, how's it going with the dating? I'm like, and this person wants to get married again, they're divorced. And this is the lady. And I said, well, have you talked to him about it? And they done been on trips and stuff. Well, I haven't asked him yet. He ain't it. And you know, I want to tell her so bad because that's my issue. Y'all done did all this fun stuff, but have not had the real meat of conversation. Well, here's the thing though. But you just said she's not supposed to even be the one to bring it up.

He ain't brought it up. There you go. Correct it. There it is. Leading. And so that's where we got to start to understand if you got to go ahead and bring up all these type of conversations, then it ain't it. It ain't it. And do it sooner than later because time is of essence. A man that is sure has a purpose and a plan, he will bring it up. You don't even have to. You could just be in that mass of knowing that that is what you desire. He'll feel that energy and you'll attract that energy and y'all will be go-chi. No, I'm playing. I'm saying that.

Y'all will be straight. You'll be straight. All right. So now we're going to get into the fact of that story that you wanted to get more intentional. So we wanted to just get that story out there. Now, the next part, the real meat of what we wanted to talk about today when we say dysfunctional relationships, right? Well, when we start talking about dysfunctional relationships, the very first thing that we really need to get into is the dysfunctional relationships that are at the home.

most people are not healed from their childhood. And they bring all that trauma and everything else into relationships or later on in life. And I'm sorry, we don't do the personal work, we go get the degrees, we go get everything else, but we do not do the internal work that we need. So by the time that we get into our professional status and everything else, we built ourselves up professionally. But we still have not done the work emotionally from our childhood. So those types of relationships that we had,

Most of are the same. Like for me, mine was growing up without a father. So that was a void, being a son husband, trying to break those cycles. Not a son husband. then for you, know... Mine was having a male figure present, but not really involved. And a male figure, like I've already mentioned, May and my stepfather, rest in peace. Great man, his own right. But...

you still yearn for the biological connection of your person that is your father. Father, know, great person, but it just wasn't really active. Yeah, it wasn't around. Right. And would you say that you were chasing men who reminded you of your father? All day, every day. And so that's what I'm saying. now you got mommy issues on one side, I mean, daddy issues on the male side, now you got daddy issues on. And then also, you know,

whatever you want your mother's going through and those things. So by you having those types of relationships that you have not dealt with or addressed. The dominant parent generally transfers into you. Yeah. so for, and so now- you around them all. Yeah. And so having that dysfunction. Yeah. And actually just putting it out there and understanding it, even though it may seem like it's an everyday thing because that's what you grew up in. Right. It really is dysfunction. And a lot of the black households, that's what we're operating on.

I agree. It's pure dysfunction. And a lot of us are going out into the world making babies and still spreading. spreading the dysfunction. we still have not gone to do the first thing we need to do. we will implore you, especially with us, you know, being real about therapy. I had to do therapy, you know. We do therapy still. We do couples therapy. We do. Because there's a lot of things for me in my past that I, there was trauma that.

I had to go ahead and get dealt with. Same. And so until you start to address those issues, when we start to go get these mentors and stuff for professional, we need to do the same thing when it comes to relationships. I agree. I agree. That these things are really, really important. And when you do that, now you're bringing your most healed, authentic self into the day.

I agree and I love that you said your most held authentic self because we think and just going on all these different dates and just seeing different people that's gonna help you find no get yourself in front of somebody tell a healthy in front of a health it on the couch healthy get you some mental therapy because y'all out here dating which are broken sales not broke but financially some y'all might have a negative balance it's okay get your little money in there but get

Build your self account up, build your emotional account up. Your account is negative. Get yourself some positive help. Yeah, because you need it because you don't realize that... Came up with that right quick. You did. You don't realize that most of the time you can't fill up nobody else's cup if yours is empty. I agree. And so we got to start understanding... are running on empty out here. Running on empty with Big Bank accounts. That's the weird thing too. running on... Listen, I'm going say it again. We are running on empty with Big Bank accounts. Some of your account is looking good.

Yeah. But your health, your emotional mental health is jacked up. You could read a book all day, but talk to somebody about something And it shows up in different ways. It shows up in our weight. It shows up in our anxiety. It shows up in the way we carry ourselves into the world with a lot of this, you know, dominant personality syndrome and stuff. So a lot of different things that we have that we deal with, we don't understand. Like for me personally, for me,

I would get into relationships and then once somebody showed me affection that they were interested in me, would withdraw back. Withdraw and you would Yeah, because you know what? For me, I always felt like because of what I went through in my early childhood that nobody can love me. And then I didn't realize that I wasn't loving myself. So now I couldn't receive love. And so that was really, really important to really dive into. So the first step that we're saying is make sure that you deal with the trauma.

from your childhood. heal. Because you gotta heal before you can really get out here and please do this early because what we do is we tend to focus, go to college, we tend to focus on our career. So what would you suggest like right if you're getting into the dating pool in your like late 20s 30s to get you some therapy? I would say get therapy right up at 18, 19 because that's really where we started because we don't really know a whole lot yet and we really need to start understanding that.

Some folks did be trying to find themselves in their 30s and it's so evident. 100%. And honestly, it's too late. I wish we would stop acting like the 30s is the jump off point because it's not. It's OK. But for those who are there, there is hope. There's hope. But I'm just saying that the problem that we are having in the black community versus everybody else's community, we are waiting to our 30s to try to say, I'm ready. But for our audience right now, because we got to really like, and I agree with what you're saying.

Our audience should be from 18 to 45, 50. I mean, that's a wide range. It's a wide range. I'm saying that a lot of people we know, way too late. what I'm saying is... So what can they do to course correct right now? Course correct, start doing consent early on, 18, 19, 20. What can the 30 year olds do that needs a course correct? 30 year olds can do two things. One, stop getting into all these relationships. All right, take a step back.

Take a step back and start to understand what they're doing, what things that, because you're not going to be able to self diagnose yourself. Right. All right. I'm sorry, I stop dating. Stop dating. I'm telling you, I had to take a pause, least I took two years. And it was first time that I ever actually took that much time to actually really understand that there's some things that I needed to course correct. I'm sorry, you basically, I'm like what can the 30 year old stop dating? Stop dating.

All right, I don't care where you live, where you are in life, stop dating. And it's OK to be by yourself for a minute. It's free to get you a little, I got my heated blanket out of storage today. Let's get under the blanket and watch a movie. Now, I ain't saying be single for 10 years. Right. I'm just saying stop I know people like that too. Stop dating, take a little time, go to the therapy part, and as you start to feel better about, you know, because they're going to take you through your childhood first, and then they're going to start to deal with your relationships after the fact. Now, here's the step two.

when you start to get into relationships, all right? Don't do monogamous relationships, maybe one or two days, but I'm tired of all these people thinking they can date all these people and think they can dwindle down. That's not the right approach, okay? You have to do one-on-one to understand that person. Even if you're not having sex with somebody, spirits can still get into you.

Like seriously, you feel like you could juggle out these dates. You can't even juggle your life. And you sit up here trying to juggle different personalities and stuff. I didn't forget somebody's name before. But you know, you, I have, but you, you, well, you, go, cause I was dating for dinners and all that. You know, I was going out to eat. I'm like, well, I hadn't been here before. I almost called somebody somebody else's name. Cause I wanted the little steak meal and I almost called it anyway. That's the past. But Luther, you were going to therapy to heal your stuff with your childhood trauma. I, I, me, the way I was showing up.

Literally, I was coming off like as the homegirl. And I'm like, ladies, we think that that stuff is cool, but that ain't gonna homegirl your way into his heart. It's not that. Listen, if he don't do it in the building, it's not gonna happen later. OK, homegirl him to his heart. It's not going to be, you know, I'm cool. He cool. Now you like him and keep it real, but he don't like you like that. And he just my friend. No, he not. He not. He like somebody else. And you know, he's not.

Also too, I've noticed a lot too is that people will have male best friends to make it look like they're not single. No, I'm sorry. If at this age, stop having all these male best friends. Cause they ain't telling you the truth about yourself either. Cause they waiting for you to be single so they can slide in there and be sure But she don't really like him like that. No, but he like her like He'll wait. And so what I'm saying is don't take all these male best friends and kick them to the curb because look, at this point we grown.

Yeah, all The only people we got in our lives are people who gonna be in Jesus name. That's you got to be So that's definitely because we need to eliminate all the distractions. I agree. And that's one of the biggest things. So get healed. Stop going out just trying to date multiples. Yeah, that's definitely it. And then also probably I would say the third step is that if it's starting to become serious.

You should know what he should have already told you, the intentions early on in the beginning of relationships. And please, when he tells you his intention, don't run. Because that's actually what you want. All right? No, we like for somebody to play around with us and we blink in three years. You be like, dang, I was just 36. I'm 39 now. Time is the biggest. Time is the greatest. Try to tell them. All right? And they blink and they be 50 on Facebook feeling for they self, feeling sorry. Yeah, and then fellas?

Please, as you start to go up this corporate ladder, please understand that it's not a good look to be single. I really, really want you to tell y'all because all these super single saints that are looking like the great catches, they're not. They're not. No, I'm here He's a great catch. No, he ain't. Listen to me. He running around scared because that's why he ain't made no commitment to you yet. Come on. He catch you catching feelings, then he run. If he a great catch, he ain't no great catch. He running. So just listen to me.

They don't, these corporations or anything, I don't know if they're not giving you the game. They do not want these single, you have no family. You need to make sure that if you're trying to even go up the carpet ladder, you need to be in a relationship and you need to be married. Okay, so you're saying men that are...

successful and single. I'm not calling those that successful. single. say that. Successfully single. Successfully single. And they look like great catches on paper. You're saying if they move up in these corporate letters, because if you think about it, most presidents. All presidents, CEOs, these are not single men. Yeah. Okay. So if you're going to do all that, understand. So what is he just supposed to, I'm just supposed to get married just to get married, brother, you know. No. You get married with intention. I'm just telling you, it's not a good look. It's not a good look. Especially.

being the oldest. So I'm just giving you some game, understand that this is what it is. You said something. You can tell a lot about a man about a woman he chooses. Oh, his confidence level. Yeah, his confidence. So just listen, I'm saying this right now. You can tell a lot about a man by the woman he chooses. That is his confidence. That's an old school player. Shout out to your father for that. So he said, oh, OK, I know his confidence level because it's a woman and guy. And so guys, step your game up. You know, I had to do that. Well, I appreciate that.

You know, so those are, that's when we start talking about dysfunctional relationships and how are we showing up to these different relationships. Like I said before, when I was serious and those women who are now doing the circle back because they couldn't believe that I wasn't, I was being serious. he's taken like, I mean, we had an incident, but I, what we did, you know, because we being transparent about it, we had a circle back approach. didn't know about it till I was leaving. I'm like, well, that's somebody I used to talk to. I say, good. I'm glad I was looking good.

G-O-O-D-T, good, because somebody tried to circle back. And you know, the DMs were popping when they saw I was officially in a relationship. I'm like, I've been at, Luther is not even from Chicago. And I will say, nobody was, they weren't serious. I'm tell you like this, if you got a weak arm, this ain't for you. Oh, wait. That's all I got to say. But Luther, that is so true.

When you're dating with intention when I started being intentional about my dating choices and about what I wanted What I wanted for myself what I knew I needed for myself. That is when I attracted you You know and the guys who were not serious I'm like, but I've been here alone, but I probably was not exuding that intentionality as far as dating So I want to like you were saying the fellas the higher you get on this

on paper success. You want to have personal success too. to have personal success. And I like that you said that, personal and professional success. But to my ladies, I really want y'all to start dating with intention. Please do not stop doing all these extra trips. Stop doing this hookup culture. you are really, I'm serious. I like that. If you're really, really intentional, ladies, let him pursue you. Let him. Please. My grandmother would that. Unless you want to start going on here, then getting on one knee, which I do not.

Don't know one one proposal no man. So you just get up some y'all ain't working out you squire Let him pursue you and I promise you. Yeah He will make his intentions. No, as long as he is moving straightforward and honest and you always and not zigzagging lady You know when a man be doing a zigzag approach. He'd be doing a little what's that when they do?

And basketball, what's that? A crossover? Then he doing crossover moves. You like, he say he don't want no relationship right now. No, he don't want one. No, he don't want one and also two. Trust what he, trust, always what I tell you. Trust what people show you. Trust what people show you. Not what they telling you. Yeah. If you want to see what a man is about, trust what he actually is showing you. And most of the time, I would tell you right now, ladies.

you are looking at a man who's showing you that he does not want you. So it's up to you to make the decision to walk away. And my last, when we start talking about dysfunctional relationships, the men that you have overlooked, those are the men that you should be choosing. I'm going say it again. He ain't. You're nice. No, because here's the thing. Everybody's going to have something in their Everybody's got a flaw. Everybody's going have a flaw. But if you're coming into the situation,

and you see there's a flaw or something that you can help improve on? Absolutely, improve. Not fix, totally. But some of us be coming here, Ayana fixing lives. No, you can improve in hands, say. Yeah, because look, what if he doesn't, I'll just give you an example. What if he doesn't know how to dress? Would that still be a guy, like, he doesn't know how to dress? you know, because I'm hearing a lot of like superficial things. I used to be stuck on that. All right then. Like I had to somebody dress. I'll match you, you had on a Ric Flair t-shirt. Oh, come on.

No, you do not address. But I'm just playing. But certainly, you said you had, you know, you going through the transition. But you had some, the J's was flat. But I was stuck on that, Luther, just to digress. I was stuck on We have a lot of types. And when we start talking about dysfunctional relationships, sometimes our type is not our type. I just want to make sure y'all understand that. It's a superficial type. Y'all be like, because if you think about it right now, ladies, we...

We have these standards like, I want him to have six figures. Okay, cool. You want to have six figures. That means that 85, you eliminated 85 % of the men. Okay, I don't want him to be over six foot. Okay, you've eliminated now 3 % of the men. Okay, I want him to be straight. Okay, now you can half a percent. So I'm just saying that if you're going to a point where you're eliminating all these different men. But we have these checklists as women. We have all these checklists and we ain't checking one box ourself on our side.

I'm just keeping it real like, well, he got to be like this, he got to be like that. Girl, quit playing. You know you ain't right. Quit playing. Quit it with your mean self. You ain't seen the gym since last New Year's resolution. Let me go. I'm sorry, but I ain't trying to fashion. But I'm serious. We have these whole checklists of how we want somebody to be. Are you what your checklist says?

Most of the time we're not. We're projecting. Both of us. I would say majority of us, because we'd be the ones out here being over-picky when it comes to somebody. 100%. Sometimes you have to, like I said, get out of your own way. And getting out of your own way is understanding that sometimes the minute you overlook, we're not talking about physically attractive, but sometimes you overlook because, look, I'm going tell you right now, the older you get, you better stop being all that picky.

That's all I got to say about that. So we talked about dysfunctional relationships when it comes to family. That's true to all these Let's talk about dysfunctional relationships when it comes to friends. So when you're trying to actually start to go on a path where you want to be serious about relationships, for me, definitely is you got to change your circle. You got to look at your circle. You got look at your circle. You got a whole bunch of people who are not getting the results that they're looking for, and they're all out here successfully single and bossing it up, but that's not what you want.

husband, and that means you may have to lose some friends. may mean you have to lose some cousins. That doesn't mean that you not stop talking to them, but you can't move in that way. You just can't be in that vicinity with those people all the time, you know, and it's okay. Like you don't have to just like, well, you got to go cold turkey on some things. But you definitely have to make got love for you, but for where I'm going in my life. You just, you everybody is not meant to go on every journey. I wish we would stop.

thinking about everybody can't go on the journey that you're going on. All right. So when it comes to relationships, relationships have to become a priority that you're to cut people off that are not serving the intentions that you need them for. But what about all my crew, my crew? Sometimes you need to what you gotta do. Get away from that crew for a while. I'll say this one, especially when it comes to relationships, relationships are competitive. And so if you're not willing to sacrifice and get rid of people just like you are for a job, then relationships aren't for you.

Because it ain't, listen to it's not that many, you know, solid relationships, people looking for solid relationships anymore. So if you come across somebody who is, then you have to understand that dysfunctional relationships when it comes to friendships is something that you need to understand. I think that's really, really important. So you really do need to change your circle when it comes to dysfunctional. Or evaluate it first and then do a little switcheroo. And that's okay. And so, and then the third one is... This is number four.

No, it's them three. I did family. I did friends. OK, I thought you were saying when they got a heel first. And then we should have wrote that down. You got a heel and then stop dating. I was on that page. Yeah. OK. And so the third one is? So family, friendships. Uh-huh. And then relationships. Relationships, dysfunctional relationships. So I'm saying like this. you start to, and when you have dysfunctional relationships that you may have caught yourself in,

where it's not serving you anymore. And y'all stay too long in something. is what's going to listen to me. got that person. You didn't carry them over in a 2025. You have to protect your piece. You have to make sure that if you're healed, you cannot invite unhealed people into your space. And if that starts to happen, you need to make sure from a dysfunctional standpoint that you make sure that you step away. Just say, Hey, look, this is not for me. know, Samantha, had a couple.

Like where it was like, hey, this kind of disturbed my piece a little bit. yeah, when we broke up. Twice. Because the one thing that I was not willing to do is sacrifice the piece that I had created for myself. And at the time I was still teeter tottering with some things and you know, I just had to do some more working on myself and I was okay enough. It wasn't me just saying look.

At one point I was like, man, forgive him. He ain't did it. And I ain't got time for this. Do you know who I, you know, I'm like, I am this, I am that. that's what happens. And ladies, sometimes you got to go through the humbling process of, it's not that a man is trying to control you. He is really just trying to cover himself that will eventually cover y'all. Yeah, 100%. And cover you all. I would say that's cover y'all both. But a lot of us have this mindset, ain't nobody gonna tell me what to do. And then you're gonna find yourself with nobody.

Because ain't nobody gonna tell you nothing so you'll be by yourself with nobody if you don't just switch up some mindset. Switch up some mindset. I had to. It's okay. dysfunctions and stuff like that. Um, cause it's really, really important when it comes to relationships and then relationships that just don't serve you overall. that's important when we talking about dysfunctional relationships. it don't serve you then it has to go and it's okay. Distractions, friends, sneakylings. Sneakylings. That's what I was talking about them sneakylings.

But be serious, the same way that you took intentionality with your career, we need to take intentionality when it comes to relationships. I agree. And so, you know, you know, won't keep you too long. We're glad that we're coming back with another episode to really, really talk about the different journeys that you were on. you know what you need to Yeah, both of us did. I knew what I needed to do to get the results that I desired. 100%. Down to the working out.

You know, we talked about fitness earlier and we talked about you, knew the work you had to do to get the type of people, women that you wanted in your life. And I knew what I had to do to attract the type of me and that I wanted. Those were men that were intentional and very serious about me. So to let the dysfunction go, you have to put in the work, put in the work and get the results. You know, one thing I will say too that was really, really important that you did that I really loved is the fact that

When we met, you saw there was gaps in different things that you could assist me with. Instead of you just saying, hey, you know what? No, I don't want to do that. You were like, well, let me sow into him. ladies, I'm going tell you right now, that is a key when it comes to a man. Nah, we want you all ready made, baby. Listen me, we black people, none of us are ready made. Nobody is ready Especially with the dysfunction that we We're going to give him some game right quick. I'm going to say this, ladies, if he is a gentleman who just, he may live alone.

cook him some food, but I guarantee you, he is probably ordering Uber Eats and Instacart all the time. Y'all giving you some game ladies. Y'all level of cleanliness is way better than ours. So I'm just being honest. It is, and we clean different. Clean different. he hired a lady for that. I don't need to do that. Ladies, give him something. Sew into him. Sew, and I'm telling you right now, when you're, and we really- What's the word? an asset? Be an asset, not liability. All right? Yeah. So what we're saying is-

the intangibles are what me look for in a woman. Well, thank you for that. And that was the intangible that I really, really appreciated the fact that you wanted to sew into me. And so that was something that made me understand that this lady was the one because she was really, really wanting to sew into me. ladies- We ain't even got to talk about what it was. Yeah. It's just the fact that you wanted to do it. Absolutely. There are different gaps. if you see, I'm just going use this for an example, just like maybe he may not be the best dresser, but he ain't broke.

Say, let's go to the store. know, I saw this outfit. This'll look nice on you. You know, show him a little treatment. And we're not trying to talk about changing somebody. We're talking about assisting somebody who already wants to get there. They want to be, yes. And so when we talk about that type of stuff, those are relationships that are healthy, understand that none of us are a final product. is. Men or women. And that's why I would say if you have listeners who are in their 20s, understand.

that it is better to build with somebody because what happens is a lot of us are trying to get to the other side and already be built. And unfortunately, being already built really stifles our development with relationships. does because those people are already like, okay, well, what can you do? Exactly. unfortunately, our ladies, when they become successful, unfortunately, they have this negative mindset about men because now everything is...

you know, breaking down of our finances, but a lot of things that we look for in women are financial. And so they're more spiritual, they're more inspirational. Inspiration, that's word I always use. You told me I inspired you in a lot of ways. I appreciate that because that made me want to do more and to be a beacon of light in your life when I started hearing that. And fellas, when you...

compliment your woman the way you compliment me, that goes a long way into making us want to do more. So I appreciate that from you. And vice versa, because words of affirmation is very important. guys, language. Yeah, love language. But guys, let's be honest. Let's make sure we're clear, though. I said, we said inspirational. But fellas, you need your purpose already. Yes. And ladies, don't be sitting up trying to do everything for him. You ain't his mama. All right. All right. Because now we're talking about these- To find line with these things. I told you, we were talking about-

A lot of times about these, we say it used to be Secret Santa's, right? We don't need to be those secret sponsors. Ladies, don't be a secret sponsor. Please, okay? Ladies could be, y'all be sponsoring too. Y'all be sponsoring. listen, you get mad when he moved on and you didn't spend money taking him on a birthday trip. I'm not saying that no bra, is it your husband, your fiance? But what are we doing? I'm sorry, don't We can't waste resources just because we got them. Just because we got them.

And fellas, you need to have your purpose so she can inspire you. Okay? That is a good point. If you have no purpose right after your healing, if you have no purpose, go find that first. Yes. All right? Because if you come to a woman who already has built herself up and you have no purpose, she will run you. yes we will. You don't want that to happen. All right? And ladies, that ain't fun. Y'all won't run nobody. No, no. Because you're gonna get sad and then you're gonna... No.

So I like that there is a fine line between inspiring and being a sponsor, and there is a fine line of fellas, you know, loving your woman, but also having your purpose. Yeah, I mean, because you got... Unfortunately, guys, just understand, your woman is not your purpose. She's your inspiration, but she's not your purpose. That's true. Your purpose is something that God has given you before you got her. All right? So she's got to trust that your purpose is your purpose so she can follow you.

All right, so that'll be another episode. All we want to talk about dysfunctions and the takeaways for this. I'll let you go first. What would be your takeaways as far as relationships? How to get started? How to maintain one? Do the work on yourself. Again, I said it. My takeaway that I want to give the people is do the work to get the results that you want.

Like I said a little bit earlier, we brought up fitness. I knew what I needed to do to get back to where I was a little bit more comfortable with myself. So I did the work to get the body and the fitness and the shape that I desire. I knew that I wanted something different in my life when it came to relationships. So I started doing the work, one Samantha, to get the results. And that's to me, when I say do the work, you know what it is. If you want to...

lose weight and do that, you eat different, you're working out different. If you want to attract a certain type of person, you move different, you start speaking different, you start just being different. I go to therapy, do the things to get the results. I like that because one of the biggest things I see when we say do the work is that it's what you profess out your mouth. Absolutely. And a lot of people spend more time talking about what they don't have or what's not out here and it's listening to me.

You know, that you want in your life, you have to profess, okay? So, I'll give you good example. We'll meet people and all of a sudden it'll be, oh, you know what? Why in the world do... There's not enough men out here. There's a shortage, you know, where did you find him? And it's like, no, no, I'm... God has mine for me. He's gonna present him to me. I could... Now, let me tell you something. You could say God all day, but if you ain't doing the work, God ain't gonna...

bring it now and you say God is gonna heal the evil. I'm gonna pray it. No, do the work with the prayer. speaking of takeaways. Yeah, 100%. I'll definitely say that. I get so tired. I love the Lord. He heard my cry, but he also saw the work that I did and gave me my baby that you know, so you, yeah. So basically what Samantha said, you have to do the work, but I'm also saying once you do the work, you have to also change your mind. What's coming out of your mouth.

Yeah. Because what's coming out of your mouth is really inside of your mind. So that's your big, that's one of takeaways. That's one of my biggest takeaways is making sure that we... Proffess. Proffess what it is that we want and then we move with intentionality. I like that. All right. Intentionality. listen to me, when you date somebody, make sure that it is singular. When you're not doing dating by committee. All right. I'm sorry. What? Doesn't that work? Date by committee, where you

That's when we got too many people. And we have to understand that in order to have a roster and in order to have something that's sustainable, you have to take a risk. Okay. Yeah. No risk, no reward. we are going to end our third episode. Yes, I appreciate that. And I like that the takeaways you said move with intentionality and mine is do the work and get the results. as serious as I can say it, this is best as I can say it, do the work and what you're professing out of out of your mouth. What are you saying? How are you showing up?

How are you showing up? How are you showing up? And so what we're going to do is a couple of things. One, we're going to create a community so we can get people together because the whole goal of this is to create connections. So we created a Facebook page. Reach out to us so we can go ahead and invite you to that Facebook page because we want to connect you with other singles, other people, other relationships, know, the other topics that you want us also to talk about.

We're happy to talk about those things as well. want to be transparent as well with our life. Absolutely. Not too much, but we want to the game. Get a game as much as we can. Okay, because we're trying to help. So, Luther, I appreciate you. I enjoyed the conversation tonight. We went a little bit longer tonight, but it was for good. was good. Because dysfunctional relationships, how to get the dysfunction so you can be functional when you're dating. And hopefully we share some game and some knowledge. Hopefully.

So we'll see what happens on episode four. We look forward to seeing you there. Thank you so much, Luther. Let's talk about it. Dysfunctional relationships, get out of. Yeah, and we're on all major platforms. Please go to our YouTube page. Let's talk about it. Yes. All major platforms, like and subscribe. Apple, iHeart, Spotify. Everything. We on there. We on there.

Are you trying to sound kind okay anyway y'all shout out to my Detroit. Shout out to my Detroit honey and shout out to us in our new venture. So appreciate it. It's your girl Samantha. Appreciate y'all. Peace.