He's Nice But, She Is Cool But - Did You Over Look Your Soulmate?

In this episode, Samantha and Luther Lampkin discuss the complexities of relationships, particularly within the black community. They explore the reasons why individuals may overlook potential partners, the importance of maturity and realistic expectations in love, and the need for self-discovery and personal growth. The conversation emphasizes the significance of communication and understanding in building healthy relationships, while also addressing societal pressures and personal biases that can hinder connection. In this episode, the hosts discuss the complexities of attraction and relationships, emphasizing the importance of understanding oneself and the dynamics of communication. They explore how personal growth and intentionality play crucial roles in forming healthy relationships, while also addressing the pitfalls of superficial connections and the need for deeper substance in conversations. The conversation highlights the significance of surrounding oneself with like-minded individuals and breaking cycles of dysfunction in relationships. Key takeaways include the necessity of being intentional, understanding the importance of mutual support, and recognizing the value of personal growth in attracting the right partner.

Chapters

00:00 Introduction and Setting the Stage
08:55 Overlooking Potential Partners
18:53 Self-Discovery and Personal Growth
26:02 The Importance of Substance in Conversations
32:14 Navigating Friendships and Relationships
39:03 Breaking Cycles of Dysfunction

Takaways

• Relationships require effort and commitment.
• Many people overlook their potential partners due to superficial criteria.
• Maturity plays a crucial role in finding a soulmate.
• Self-discovery is essential for personal growth and relationship success.
• Expectations in relationships should be realistic and grounded in maturity.
• Pride and fear can prevent individuals from seeking meaningful connections.
• Consider the source of relationship advice you receive.
• Timing is important in relationships, but so is personal readiness.
• The societal checklist for partners can keep people single.
• Self-love and therapy are important for personal development. Your type may not be your true type.
• Substance in conversations is essential for connection.
• Attraction reflects where you are in life.
• Men make decisions, boys play games.
• It's important to pour into each other's lives.
• Surround yourself with people who inspire growth.
• Breaking cycles of dysfunction is crucial for healthy relationships.
• Intentionality is key in dating and relationships.
• Your parents shouldn't be your emergency contact at this age.
• Enhance and add value to your partner's life.

Transcript

Lets Talk About It - EP 4 (00:00)
What's going on everybody? It is your girl, Samantha. And it is Luther. And we are the Lampkins. And it is time for another episode of Let's Talk About It. Luther, how you doing this evening? I'm doing real good. It's one of those times, but I'm doing real good. OK, it's one of those times. That's that time is. OK, well, anyway, know the time it is in Chicago is freezing. This is when they do the polar vortex. This is when it happens here Man, that's some crazy people.

Okay. Who was the crazy people? Polar vortex people jumping all up in that water like that. You polar plunge. Oh yeah. Crazy people. The polar vortex is the cold chill that I'm talking about. Gotcha. I'm talking about the crazy people. Some of the cold got to your mindset. It's all right, Happy, happy. It got to my mindset. It's all right. Yes. All the time. All right. Bless you. right, Luther. He is chilling in the end mine.

All right, y'all, we are going to move on. Again, this is episode four. I'm excited to be here with y'all as we talk about some things we talk about. That's what we do. talk about different topics as far as relationships go. So I'm excited to be with my husband as we go down this journey of what things do we just really talk about, right? Yeah, listen, we talk about this all the time. Sometimes I get a little deep and I want to be telling him like, you know, I'm Malcolm X, Martin Luther King. But we do talk a lot about this stuff. And so for us,

you know, to have this kind of conversation is really important. Okay. Okay. So again, yes, you do get deep, but sometimes it's good to get deep with these types of things because we don't talk about them a lot. And then them, the, the, the, they, those are again, relationships. And as far as relationships go in our community, different things with black relationships, the ins, the outs, the why we came to why we do the, how we stay, the how we

make sure that we sustain because it's important in our communities. We believe that and we're proponents for healthy relationships. Yes. You got to get one first though. Man, that's me. And that's the one of the biggest things that we want to talk about is the fact that you're not getting in them. And we see a lot of issues of why you're not getting in them. And the whole purpose of this episode that we want to talk about of why you're not getting them is what should we be doing? Why that person ain't enough? did also, did you overlook?

that you supposed to be with. Did you overlook? A lot of people say, did you overlook your soulmate? I actually like pulling up the definition of a soulmate, but I'll just say, did you overlook the person that you should have been with? You know, a lot of us, we talk about it so that it today is, did you overlook your person? Did you overlook him? Did you? You know what? And here's what I'll say too. I hear a lot of people say, well, you ain't overlooked who God wanted you to be with. Yes, you did. And it's okay to really admit that you may have overlooked the person at

It's always about timing. I'm a big person about timing. Man, listen to me. Timing, but then we also got to get out our own way too. Yeah. Because we do not be getting out of our own way. We don't. I mean, we will make everything a priority, but relationships and then get mad when the relationship don't find its way to them. okay. So, you know, and what we see that a lot, especially with...

Black professors who are very, very ambitious. are very ambitious about everything else, but relationships, because they want to put the least amount of work, but they expect the most amount of gain. Yeah. We want to put the least amount of work in relationships. That is so true. I know from personal experience that I would dive into things that would make me successful professionally when...

And I know a lot of people who are successful professionally, but personally are a wreck. I think when, and I made a joke out of it on one of our earlier podcasts, when you start realizing that you don't have nobody. I was like, when it's cold outside, you, when you really, is, and it's the winter season really makes you realize the lack of, because summer you can get around, you can play around in the summer, be outside. You can definitely play.

Winter, man, listen here, you need a coat and a comforter, not your king, queen comforter, the comforter of some arms wrapped around yourself because you're freezing. Man, freezing. that's... Lonely and freezing. That's one of the biggest things that when we see this, lonely and freezing. But, you know, one of the biggest things we talked about too, as far as this conversation is pride. It is so much pride. my goodness. I mean, we see so much pride. I ain't about to do no biblical stuff today.

Not, it's Sunday, but we ain't about to go ahead and touch Jesus. But it's a lot... Such the hymn of the Jesus garment. That's okay, I know you're gonna do... It's fine, that's what about. I see a lot of pride. I see a lot of fear. Break down a pride. Well, the pride is the fact that, you know, that we don't want to... We do not want to really, really understand, like, man, I know I want a relationship. Right.

but was preventing me from really either asking questions from people who are married. People that's in relationships. I am tired of seeing all these false flaggers that are out here who ain't even done the work themselves, but yet, you know what? They're trying to tell you how to find your truth. Well, that's everybody on social media and they be having the most followers and they, know, oh, and do this, girl, and do this. And some of the guys, brother, you know, you got to, and you ain't got a bit about relationship yourself. Here's my favorite, you know, my favorite three words. What's your favorite three words? Consider the source.

We never consider the source when it comes to getting any kind of information. Why would we do that? Man, listen, that's too much like, right? Man, listen, we ain't trying to consider the source. We're trying to feel good. We're trying to hear what we want to hear. When we want to hear it. When we want to hear it. And unfortunately, that ain't how God operates. That ain't how the world operates. So you got to pick a side like Cat Williams. All right? It's our side and the other side. And you know what? Sorry, we ain't trying to set up here and try to hold anything because

When you keep trying to find your truth, you don't find the truth. That's true. Look, and I didn't mean to say that's true at the end, but that's a fact. Real talk, that's keeping it a hundred. That's keeping it a hundred. You never find your truth when you, you don't because you're seeking everything else or you want to hear what you want to hear. Yeah. I love those kinds of people. You know, I talk about you getting deep. I'm going go off on a little tangent. I have to because the part of people hearing what they want to hear, I'm going to talk about specifically with

hell in weight loss. I have so many conversations with people, Samantha, what you doing? What have you been doing in those ways? Soon as I tell them, well, I got this, you know, I do it. You ain't doing it. You're not doing it. You do not because if you was doing it, I would see it and not on be seeing it. Well, no, you ain't seen it. I don't see the results. I do this. I do that. I drink my water. No, you drink pop and Pepsi. That's you'd be drinking. Pop Pepsi and juice. They drink diet pop.

They ain't drinking, I drink my water. They drink diet pop with the Splenda, okay. I drink Splenda, there ain't no calories in Splenda. But no, when it's in diet pop. No, man, I don't even, don't touch pop, but I will people in relationships, I've had conversations even with women, but you know, okay, I can't stand that. Just listen, take the advice, take it in, and it's okay. And you know what, coming soon, Samantha, because she's lost it twice.

is actually going to actually start to bring in people and ask, yeah, she don't think she qualified. I'm like, but you qualified. You actually lost the weight and done the work, eating, modified and everything else. So if you're serious about it, Samantha, we'll be taking in people for classes for this. So we're going to put that out there just so you guys know in the universe, in the podcast universe. If you want to go ahead, follow my wife. She's going to be about it.

See about results. See about results. See it's not about talk. So if you ain't really here to work out and get your results that you want, and you want to go to every place possible, then you know. Go to every gym, be on every challenge. yourself to do the work and get the results. Thinking of results. I was really serious about getting the results when I knew I wanted to be a wife. And with that being said, doing the work. Doing the work. part of doing the work was getting out of my own way, which we talked about as far as overlooking people or...

those types of things. Do I think that I might overlook some folks? Yeah. Man, listen to me. Do I think I might overlook some folks? Yup. You just got to be honest about it. Yeah. And you know, again, who you're with is who I believe you're supposed to be with. But do we think we would have say, I don't regret where I'm at. So let's make that a point. I don't. Yes. I do not regret. We do not regret where we're at. But it's a we. Yeah, it's a we. But we are talking about maturity.

Yes. And when we start talking about maturity, we want you guys to also make sure that you find your soul mate. And let's stop putting up these superficial barriers. That's what we're really talking about. Superficial barriers. Because we see a lot of superficial barriers because tonight's episode, babe, could you read out the title? What's tonight's episode tonight? we can get to college. He's nice, but, or what would the dude to guys say? She's cool. But. You know what I'm saying? And what we're saying is that.

We do have a negative connotation when it comes to nice, right? Because let's call it a spade. We want the sizzle, but we don't even understand what that all comes with. That comes with a lot of baby mama drama. That comes with lot of life not together. Comes with a lot of other women. It comes with lot of other men. And we need to understand when we're serious, we need to the sizzle. When we're serious, we actually start to... The sizzle. What's the sizzle? The package?

Everything. Yeah. All the excitement. Yeah. And also, we're just going to put this out here. OK. The reason that when we start talking about nice and cool and everything else is because once we start to get ourselves together and we start to feel ourselves, we want the point. We want the person that everybody else wants. I agree. And so just so we clear out here, we want the top 10 percent.

It's the same person. It's the same person. And we are not saying specifically a name. they mean? We ain't talking about a We're talking about the Yes, are talking about the type. Everybody wants the same type. We really And unfortunately, now we have started saying, the type has to make a certain amount of money. Got to be a certain amount of height. Got to look this complexion. And so we don't even understand with all those different criteria. whole checklist. The checklist that's keeping you single.

You are now ex, God didn't told you that that's what you're supposed to have. So why do you think that's what you're supposed to have? Well, I want to know how many people in any of them, they could really be honest with themselves as they listen to this when they watching this clip. How many of y'all got everything that you want off that checklist? I'm telling you, it's something. Either the two of us crooked in one way, you know, little things like that. You breathe breathe funny. Her eye twitch a little bit sometimes when she's falling asleep. What?

You know, everything. So what they're going to make is like, all right, so what you guys trying to tell us, you're trying to tell us to settle. That's what they're going to try to tell you. No, we're not telling you to settle. We're telling you to use maturity and use like, seriously, grow up. And also too, we're going to really, really keep it. Grow up and grow in love. Grow in love. And we're going to keep it really, really frank on this.

podcast, the older you get, better understand that your options start to get limited. So when you over here still got the same list in your twenties that you got in your four years, but you ain't built the same. got a problem. Did you just say that? Hey, you know what? That's why I'm, and I know a lot of people.

they kind of say, well, everybody's body is different. get that. Come on, man. Well, I understand it is, but how can you keep using certain things as an excuse? If you want certain things, you have to really realize people as a whole are visual. Well, not just that. Really, me and y'all up to any of visual. And let's call a spade a spade. As men get older and they get more resources, now they start to become more picky. right. And so, and as you can see, so we start to, we need to understand. That's true.

And then listen to the other aspect and I'm going to go there tonight. I'm going to go there tonight. When don't you go there? Exactly. We also need to understand about fertility. yeah, true. We need to stop all this, you know, I got time. Listen to me. I don't have problems with fertility. listen me. You could be that one. do. I'm tell you right now. You'll start having fertility as you age because your number of count.

of eggs goes down as you age. This is medical. This is real medical life. Yes. We've gotten from physicians that have told us this before. And recently actually, and you just have to really be mindful, my ladies. Yes. If you desire to be a mother, because I understand that may not be everybody's course, but majority of us, is your rate of fertility does go down really in your twenties. And when you in your thirties, that's

really, really when you need to buckle down and be serious. But see, now what we're telling people is doing it in the 40s. And I'm going tell you right now, going, people going through in vitro as we can attest to and all that stuff, it is not something- have the conversation. It is not something that you just want to do and how expensive it is. It is expensive. And I know, I've researched it, I see it. And- Going through the process. Yes. And so even with just all that, we are on this show, we're going to keep it real and make it understand, like, listen to me.

And you really, really want to focus on building with somebody because the higher you are in life, those are the more single people because their expectations are so much higher. The higher you go, the higher somebody's expectations are. But what happens is, and you said it earlier, many of us still walking around with this checklist that we had in our twenties, we didn't carry it off until our thirties and we were still halfway about a ninth, about an eighty.

Now we want the checklist still in our forties and you started declining. I pay. And then, and the client is not just looks at your attitude. It's with your attitude. Okay. Because you got, you didn't attain the lie. want to attain the lie. But see, here's the funny thing. All that nasty attitude, they go into the job and they somehow magically. Good morning. Hey, I'm here.

But that's not the person that you bring into the relationship. It's really not. Unfortunately, because again, for what has happened, as you said, it's men attain more. You all start being more picky and the same with women. As we attain more, we feel like we just deserve or you got to meet or exceed where I'm at. Ladies. Man, listen, meet or exceed what? Because you know what? I'm going be honest with you. When you are starting to be picky, have to understand the person that you are being picky about. What do they require?

And a lot of times, I'm tell you right now, when all you know is your requirements, but you don't know their requirements, that's where the problem starts. And I think, I think as women, we, we think that y'all know what we want. We really do. Well, he should know. would say that he should know. Well, you know, you know, you remember we used to have Ms. Cleo back in the day, you know. Call me now. Yeah. Call me now if you want real love advice. Oh my goodness. You girl.

Girlfriend, now let me tell you, I'm gonna tell y'all and my real boy's girlfriend, get out your own way. You ain't really her no more. And it's okay. again, I want to bring back because you use the S word, We're not saying settle, it's called grow up. Be realistic. Maturity. And unfortunately, with all this empowerment running rapid, it creates a delusion. unfortunately- Illusion or delusion.

I mean, mean, and unfortunately, you know what saying? This isn't a magic show. Yeah, it's not. And so, time is undefeated and gravity is undefeated. So, I'm just trying to be... Black don't crack, but gravity is real. Man, listen to me. It can sag and it's okay. You know what You have to realize where you at in your life. And I think a lot of us don't want to come to the realization. Like you said, delusion and illusion. The lulu. Lulululu. Man. Get out your way, lulululu. And so, with that being said...

We wanted to go ahead and put in some different topics and facts about real life discovery of it. And baby, can you just go into more of the description of what we had there for this show so you can just read into it? absolutely. You know, many of us, we overlook our potential person that you should have been with at, you know, your soulmate. We'll use that word because we focus on the wrong things that caught up in life. And I'll just say like a different, like different things that we do when we overlook somebody, they don't fit your type. They may not fit a particular type. Again, a checklist.

You have to go you have to meet that's I want to know I want people to really be honest because who did did you have a checklist? You know what I unconsciously had a check No, I know I did Listen right division make a play. Yeah. man, we don't we don't have we don't have a Vision board party is that I had no vision board, but I had a We don't we don't have it that much but I would say that

You I wrote the vision. thinking that you kind of have a type and as far as like, okay, is it complexion? Is it height? Is it body type? So you unconsciously have one. I unconsciously have one. It's like for me growing up in Detroit, got to people know, know, Detroit, yeah, match made in heaven. But in my era, you know, the types were like Aaliyah and stuff like that, you know, long hair, light skin.

know, slender and stuff. But then once I started understanding that... It's a lot more women that don't look like her that's pretty. 100%. And you know what? It took me going down south to Alabama State to start to realize that what my maturity and my biasness was. And so once I started to understand that, then it was like, okay, cool, grow up, start to understand that it is a lot of beauty, like my wife. I know. And so...

But you start and also to TV and everything else plays a part in different areas and stuff like that. The Lisa Turtles from Save By The Bell. All sorts of stuff like that. was was brown. Come off of the brown girl. And so all that subconsciousness and different things like that played But it was a big thing like, know, light is right, you know, type of thing. But anyway, OK, so that was your unconscious. You liked the Aaliyahs. That was at some point. You had to go back and forth to realize that that one.

You saw what I did there. You had to go back and forth in your life to realize that that ain't always it. Well, because you know what? Your type ain't always your type. And because of your life and how you grew up, you may have these different biases and things that you need to get out of. So you can start to, like we said before, start to look at people in a different light and understand from a maturity perspective, did God put that person in your life for a reason and not just a season?

Now that right there, but some of us take too many seasons to realize that that ain't the person sending out a five year love. Listen me. Or my favorite ones is once you get out of love and you cut your hair and then you get to join the organization and then you start doing it You're the baby fall back. They do the shave. And then you start, look man, come They do the Jada Pink. What, what do we set it off? Or they do the slash on one side and then they show the law on the other hand. All I'm saying is that.

I'm going turning over a new leaf when a woman cuts her hair, she changes her life. My husband asked me when I cut my hair short, did she have a break up? I know, I really just wanted to change with my hair. But that is a big thing though, they do cut their hair. And men get new cars and stuff. get the vet. Get the vet with the bright red, orange color car. Get a convertible, man, you know I always want a convertible. In the winter state. In the winter state. Guilty.

Like it'd be the Corvette. It'd be a red Corvette. Be red. Like, yeah, man, you know, I just want to, you know, get my stuff. Or here's my favorite, ladies, the revenge body. But no, why don't you avenge and keep? Retain body. But man, listen to me, but here's the thing though. This is great. They'll be in a relationship and let themselves go. But then consciously break up by the relationship and then want to go to the gym to get a revenge body. Oh, cause he's meaning to get married.

He gonna move, he gonna listen to me. I'm gonna tell you like this and I told my wife. Men will move on when I'm married and have a child next year. And she'll be over here still having seances five years later with a cat. And it's like, you wonder why. But you know, and I don't understand the whole staying by yourself for all these years. I had to focus on self love. How long has it been? Well, you know, we broke up 10 years ago. Yeah, why?

Why? Now you just squandered all your 30s away and you 42 because you had to do some self-love. Self-love don't take all that time. No, you need therapy. That's what you need. Self-actualization, self-realization. You need to come to terms with yourself. And therapy ain't self-therapy when you be going to church and he telling you which one here. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. But I'm not. Well, know, Jesus is going to sprinkle the water and he's going to walk on water when he come. He's going to give you everything that you want. He's going to come down and he's going to say,

Shut them off. No, he is even going to What was the word? What was it? Esther? I can't even think of it, Lord, because what is the man that they was going to send? God is on the tip of my tongue. come on, Lord, Luther. The people know who I'm talking about in my church, He's going send his men. He's going to mold them in clay like Adam.

He gonna mold him and clay like Adam, but here's the problem though, you ain't gonna be ready. Listen, you praying, but you ain't even over here dealing with your spirit, dealing with all your old baggage and everything else. so, know, faith without works. It did. You know what I'm saying? Just like your love life. Man, listen, I'm so stuck on finding this man. But listen me.

But when you go to church, they're gonna tell you all what you wanna hear with them donations. And then you're gonna leave back out with the same results. There's a reason that you got all these people with no results in church. There's a reason. And it ain't been your season for the last two, three years. You know I'm saying? But they got their money. You know I'm saying? They're to Africa and feeding the hungry with their new jet with your donations.

Donations, but you ain't got no man. Exactly. But like you say, a church is not always the best therapy. Church is good for your spirit, your spiritual soul, but you have to really look at... Church is supposed to maintain your therapy. I agree. You know I'm saying? When you got all that trauma and everything... Your bow ass, that's what it is. God gonna send your bow ass. Man, gonna send my bow ass. that's what it was, bow ass. I was trying to Google it, I ain't find it. I just thought about it.

But the Boaz has got to be every, listen. He got to be Idris Elba. The Boaz got to be Idris Elba. But you going be in your 40s looking like you, know, whatever it is. But your Boaz got to be all those He got to be Idris Elba. He got to be Lorenz Tay. He got to be, who else? Give me somebody. All the fine ones. He got to be everybody fine. He got to be everybody out your league. That's what he got to be. No, that's true. Because again, we, but I think again, we're not telling you to settle where I say be realistic.

We're saying that look at your life. Look at where you at. And look at your results. And when your results ain't resulting, then maybe you're going to have to course correct or pivot. Then you got to course correct or pivot. I mean, come on We all have to do that. You did yours and your first. I was chasing a certain type of image of a guy. I chased that. And not as far as I run and chasing, but that is what I felt like I, you know, a certain type of level.

Granted, my husband does amazingly well. But I told you before, I thought when I first met him, nice. The whole purpose of that, the whole thing, he nice. You thought I was cool? But cool. Yeah. But the thing about it is that the reason that we did that is because of the fact that we were not understanding that sometimes your type isn't your type. Come on. And when we don't understand. But you're deep down. No, deep down I was your type. But that meant that we had to have substance conversations. We had substance conversations. I won't even say deep down. You.

When I talked to you that very first time, because you kind of had got on my little nerve when I had first met you. I was like, he is an antagonist. I don't have time. This is where I'm at on this place in my We were doing a game night and they said I was cheating. We were. You know what I'm saying? My side was winning. And she was doing this whole little. I was being Samantha. She was being Samantha. And I kept saying like, I was like, thank you for your interpretation. Like, you know what I'm saying? Like, we don't need an explanation for the game. Whatever. You know But he thought it was fly.

I thought you were cute. I thought you not. thought y'all were like, he's nice looking. But I wasn't thinking. He cool. He lives in what I just said. He cool. And now here's the funny thing. So when we put out here with all these people, remember everybody don't want you until somebody wants you. Remember that. So then you'll see all these people and you're like, man, they all overlooked me and I knew I was ready. But they'll want you after the fact when somebody else pulled out there and made sure that they took you off the market. But here's the thing because

As many people would always tell me Luther that, and I'm sure you probably heard this too from people because again, you were married, so you were divorced. But I would always hear, Samantha, you such a good catch. And I would have that in my head. Why ain't nobody was catching me? What was I putting out there? What was I putting out there? And realistically, you may surface look like you were a catch, but there was still work that you needed to do internally. look, the reason you can always tell when you...

you can always tell when sometimes things are not, you're not attracting what you want. Absolutely. Because you are your attraction. And if you're not attracting what you want, then people don't realize that you are attracting where you are in life at that time. I've said that before. When I was attracting what I didn't want, then I realized that I wasn't where I needed to be in life. seriously, I would always hear that, it's all true. Like, Samantha, you were a great kid. Okay, well catch me. You know what? But that...

at the end of the day, wasn't that they wouldn't, they couldn't, they wouldn't catch you. They weren't it. Yeah, they were not it. You know, and unfortunately, hey, if you're not going to be out here understanding and playing games, which a lot of men are, fellas, when you see what you want, you go after it, okay? We need to make sure that we got men out here. We ain't got boys, we got men.

All right. Men make decisions, boys play games. Men make decisions, boys play games. And a lot of these people who may look together on surface, they not it ladies. And I'm gonna tell y'all stop thinking that, well, you know, again, he just ain't met me yet. No, has met you. And he didn't want you. Yeah, a lot of you, know why? But here's the thing, when you go into a situation, when you meet somebody, one of the things I talked about all the time too, is that when you don't even know what your partner wants, how can you come into their life and understand what can you do to him?

improve that person. Why are you just coming in always with the mindset of what I can take? But what can I put into that person? What can I pour into that What can you pour into that person? And we miss that a lot. And so when we over here praying for our boy, why we ain't praying and say, can you heal me enough so I have something to pour into his cup as well? Because you know what? At the end of the day, if he said he pours something into my cup and I ain't pouring nothing into his cup, then now we got an imbalance. And we can't keep doing this.

Pray for what you can pour into your bowl as it's Because you're going to say, I'm going to say what I want to say, but I'll tell y'all. But you have to pour into each other's if it's just one sided, which a lot of times it is, eventually that's going to get tired because we only thinking about what he can do for me. I'm not thinking about what, and you ain't the table by the way. I am the table. No, you ain't the table.

All right, you might be the coaster, but you ain't the table. Not the coaster. Just saying. so... You a luxury coaster from HomeGoods. You know what saying? You know, in the clearance aisle. But I'm just saying, if you don't know what you can, like, you know, maybe he need help with, you know, cologne. Maybe he need help with a different perspective of how to cope with business. We don't look at the intangibles. And we don't really, really understand.

what those things really mean. And so we're to go through just a couple slogans of what we talked about, of what people say all the time when it comes to relationships. Can you read some of those titles over there about that? I like what you said, men make decisions, boys play games. like that. Because men, when they want you, they're going to let you know, ladies. Just please know that. And if they don't, they're going to keep playing with you, moving on. A lot of people, when they feel like this person, you may be overlooking somebody when you say these types of things.

You know, they was just a friend. You know, that's my friend. That's my friend. And here's the thing, Luther, when a lot of ladies say that somebody is their friend, we don't be liking them. No, no. He likes you though. He like you. You know the person you can call when all else fails and you need to get that tire changed. And the person that you really wanted to change didn't. He ain't answer the phone. So you had to call that person that you really didn't want. He ain't answer the phone because he on the...

He's doing something to somebody else. He's solving phones. And you gotta give him a sympathy date because he came to change the time. Exactly. You gotta make him a meal. But you know, that guy, is, and he likes you because he'll do anything for you. Yeah. And you take that person for granted. You really take them for granted. And so that person now has moved on and the person that you've been chasing and chose somebody else. And now you over here. And they got married. And now you bitter. And now you didn't start your podcast talking about how come all the men ain't all the men that come.

Or you on TikTok and Instagram. In the bed. Up neck up selfies. I'm going to find me a guy this year in 2025. They be doing a lot of I say, will be married. You already know. my favorite, when you get over the hill and you start doing them 50's San Serena dresses blowing in the wind. The blowing in wind dress photo. That ain't just old 50's, that's 30 plus. But we saying all this to say.

Get out of your own way. And the best way that you can get out of your own way is a couple of reasons. right? First, surround yourself with people who are like-minded of things that you want that you don't have yet. That is true right there because many of us surround ourselves with people who are where we at versus where you want to go. You need growth. You need growth because if you want to grow in your career, why would you go around people that's not...

doing what you want to do professionally. We know how to do it professionally. On professional, we know how to do it. We know how to do it. We know how to do it professionally because we selfish. That's about us. Yeah. All right. But see, when you start to want to pour into somebody else, then you're going to start to have a different mindset. Right. We all want to be Christians until it's time to actually be a Christian. I'm just saying. In the name of Jesus. In the name of Jesus. We all talk all that talk and talk. Right. But then when it's time to walk, then we sit over here like, well, you know, got to, he better go find, get some faith in God.

Exactly. So I didn't roll my eyes because I because I've heard these things before. was just like, what we I'm just saying is that if you're going to pay these donations, you need to start getting results. All right. You need to start being in some workshops. You need to start understanding that. OK, you know what? If I'm interested in this type of person that I'm looking for that everybody else is looking for, what is going to set me apart from them? And it's not the slit in your dress. It ain't the poop.

You know what I'm It's not the less clothes that you wear. It's going to be about what can he do in his life that you bring some intangible that he can't get from somebody else. And I love that. The things you can't get from somebody else. What's that your parlays? There's a lot of us out here with degrees and things and stuff and nice clothes. Unfortunately for me- You can get sharp at Rainbow. We don't even know. You know, it don't matter. And unfortunately for me-

If we already got success when it comes to finances, we already know your finances does not pour into our finances unless we some type of bump. So we looking at your finances and being like, man, she make this, that's the Exactly, unless they over here sponsoring. You know, secret sponsors. We've talked about that before. Secret sponsors. Yeah. You take care of your man. Cause then they get mad like, ain't no good men out here. No, stop paying for them. Stop paying for them and the men that you want.

Be in the presence, don't hunt. Don't hunt. That's the thing about it because he needs to pursue you so you can have that understanding and not have that insecurity, does he really want me? Tell him. All right, you want to know that he wants you back because of the pursuit. right? You just need to be in proximity. That's right. And be ready, willing.

And if you really get on his page, guess what? He's willing to die for you. Oh, gosh. You know, you're going to ruffle some feathers with that. Get on his page. Get on his page. mean? I need to be a, ain't going to run. Okay, well keep running out of options. All right, so anyway. Let's go to a couple more. Let's go to a couple more people say all the time. Okay. You didn't fear, okay, fear of, fear of running a friendship. So that's kind of like they were just a friend. Whatever, get over it because them would be the best ones. They were too familiar.

It was somebody that was always around. It's like, know, I didn't really look at that person like that. I don't really look at him like that. No, he's just a friend. to me. There are men who will stay in the friend zone. All right, we'll stay in the friend zone and talk to you about other men. And as soon as you had that one night, one bump of the night, you know, I always liked you. I always liked you. And you look at y'all to have some wine. But you know it. Yeah.

But you playing around. All right, because at this age we ain't doing friendships. Okay. There ain't no friendships. I agree with that. We talking about real relationships that lead to marriage. We are not talking about friends with benefits. That's friendship stuff left in college. We ain't talking about none of that stuff because we understand that all these soul ties that people got out here. We understand that that stuff, all right, it's a lot of on It's real. It's real. And a lot of stuff talking about some, oh, you know, your truth. No, what's the truth?

You keep sleeping to all these random people and all these hookups and all these, you know, Carnival Cruise lines and all this other stuff. keep talking. Not the Carnival Cruise I'm just saying you keep doing these little vacations, these little vacations trying to meet your boy ass versus let's start getting back to game nights. Let's start getting back to get together and getting really nosy. Cause we ain't got to keep going to all these gallows. All right. I agree with that. You don't have to $500 for a ticket. All right. And you still don't meet your man. Because he ain't trying.

The most less pretentious places are the places where you really meet somebody of a substance. Less pretentious, more possibilities. Less pretentious places equal more possibilities. And we're to be creating some group meetups for people because we want to make sure that we put all the right people in the right places because listen me, in order to get out of your own way, you need to have a level of humility. I think that the ladies will show up.

You think so? The men? No, no, it'd be the other way around because the women don't want to be looking desperate. That's why they always got to throw a party. No, they only want to look desperate. I'm sorry. The men will show up. The women want to throw a party to not look desperate. I'm telling you. So look, but we talking about having a nice group. Look, you need to have a little bit, you need to have some humility to create some stability. I like that. He was waiting for your moment to say I was waiting for my moment. It was like, that's right. Oh, gosh. Okay.

All right. Well, it's a couple more that we talk about, we'll keep going through. They didn't make a big first impression. What was they supposed to do? They like jump through him and say, I am him. I am who you've been waiting for. I am Boaz. Exactly. Listen, that's what we be wanting men to do. Listen to me, sometimes they be, you I ain't saying talk so much and be nervous and stuff like that. No, not no sweaty hands. You do not know, might start stuttering.

He or she may not. And then maybe her heel broke at the party, something, tired. But that's your Cinderella. You know what I'm saying? And also too, I'm going just tell you, sometimes your friends keep you single because you will ask the person, like, y'all got any friends? They'll know you got some, they got some friends, but they don't feel like that person is what you need. Like stop trying to.

Stop trying to magic match make somebody and let God Based on what you think. What you think that person is. Like get out the way. That is so true. And you have to really realize again, your friends can keep you single depending on what kind of friends you have. Most friends keep you single because you know what? Think of it this way, especially for my ladies. If y'all all single.

Y'all about to break somebody kneecap to get with you. So y'all want the same thing. I want the same man. Y'all want the same height. You want the same job, want the same everything. And so just understand and then here's thing. That's another maturity move. Getting around people that are happy. Please get around. If you want to be married, then they're going to say, my favorite party as well. Not everybody is married is happy. That's true. But you know what? But if you're trying to get to where they go on, that's called.

That's a hurt response. Not everybody that's married is happy. I ain't kidding. Everybody don't want to be married. Yes, Okay. Well, guess what? God ain't gonna bless with some mess. All So I just want to make sure we clear with this. God ain't gonna bless some mess. if they... Listen to me. Another... You want another moment. Another moment. I got a... Oh, man. I got some moment. Listen to me. Man, I'm telling you right now, if you really, really want a queen, stop making her a baby mama first. Marry her before you make her a baby mama. And you're talking to somebody...

who made that mistake. So I can tell you, you don't want to backpedal into a relationship. You want to make sure that this person that you chose, you didn't already impregnate them before you put a ring on it. I'm saying that as a man. You prefer Mary before you care. Definitely, because it shows the intentionality that that man had. All I don't want you over here on the back of your mind thinking that he did this out of obligation. Because that can happen. can creep in. It creeps in. It's like, you know, she's my baby mama. That ain't even the title that you really want for the person that you really love.

I love that. Or those relationships where y'all have been together for so long and it's finally like, you finally have marriage. They finally have me. okay. Because that's what you look at when people been together like that six, seven, eight plus years. Like it's a marathon. You got to put in work. No, listen to me. I don't care for that. No, that's some bullcrap. I am all for the institution of marriage. I'm for healthy relationships. I just don't agree with you feel like you got to put in some time to earn the ring. Hold on, and that's my other part too. don't like that. I personally don't.

First of all, you ain't earning nothing. You're equally yoked or not. And then the other part too is if you got that much conviction about being taken to the bank, do a prenup. Black people prenup. Seriously. And it's okay. It's cool. And don't stop being offended because at the end of the day, we got a bunch of stuff to lose and built ourselves up. Get a prenup. But at the end of the day, make a decision. Stop wasting people time. people time and stop letting them waste your eggs. Man, come on.

And that's what's going on. And you don't have time. don't. You do not have time. You don't know what's life going to happen. And what we are seeing in our community is the lack of relationships is leading to destructibility. And we got all these baby mama households. We got all these single parent households, not just our baby mama women, but we got a of fractured households that are not putting together kids that are going out into the world.

And we want to make sure that these kids have, not saying they're going to be perfect, but we need to start making sure that they're not working at a disadvantage. It's a disadvantage. Because when these other people are coming in with families and legacies and money, financial wealth and everything else, black people, we love to struggle. It's like what we just want to do. I mean, we want to be in the struggle Olympics. We do not want to understand that. First class medals. First class medals. We are getting silver, gold, and bronze. Man. Struggling.

starting over, then doing a GoFundMe when somebody died and then doing it all over again. And you know, and that's true. It's just kind of like, when does the cycle stop? When does the cycle stop as far as dysfunctionality? We have to really look at that. And all of that starts with the choices that we make. Like what we're talking about, just even be intentional. Just even choosing the type of person that you choose to be with.

what kind of decisions are you making for sustainability? seriously, I get it. Some people, you know, I ain't sitting up here saying just don't do nothing, but look who you're doing something with. I'm talking about sex. Like, come on, like what's Listen to me, really, really pay attention to what you're doing, who you're sleeping with and understand that if this is something sustainable. Right. You know how easy it is to get finesse? I can take you on a trip. That ain't hard to do. It's not hard to do. A nice dinner. A nice dinner. Those things are not hard to do.

But you know what's hard to do is when you something happening, you got to have search and you need somebody to make sure they got that got your back. You know, making sure that if they got they got things that need to be taken care of and there's an emergency happening, you got somebody that's there.

Because your parents should not be your emergency contact at 38, 39 years old. And there's a lot of people out here with their parents as their emergency contact. We gotta get away from that. gotta break away from that and all the time. it's just not when something break in your house. And I'm talking about for my women that have bought, listen, my ladies and y'all might get upset with me with this. You single get you a nice apartment with a domain and maintenance because I ain't trying to fix no...

No, our house is a lot of work. I got my nails done. And if you come with everything, want to break my nails, if you come with everything, then what are y'all building? Your husband, you know, I'm sorry. I'm to myself because I ain't trying to break my nails trying to dig something out the drain and drain stuck the pipes. No, you know, it's a certain time. And I'm not saying with Smith, you shouldn't. We want to have equity in this. OK, come on. All right. Please.

And even with that being said, in the relationship, all we're saying is be intentional. It's time to stop playing around. And we know a lot of people who gain financial success. And they get invited to all the stuff. They get all these awards and everything else. But they have not mastered the biggest thing that's so important is personal success. I'm going start framing right now.

Stop calling these phony success people who got terrible personal lives successful. No, they just being an adult. That's not success. Okay. I don't want to see another mentoring group. I don't want to see another, you know, book. I don't want to see another I want to see another memoir. No, all right. want to see no memoir 35. I don't see another children's book.

It's like they go to the same PR person. It's the same person. like, write a book. You don't want to write a book? Did you get this award No, I want you to get your personal life in order first. You know, I have they do all the other stuff. Because what happens when your personal life is in order, everything else falls into Yes, it does.

or you can have all the professional and your personal life is a wreck. get this, and I'm going tell you right now too. Your bills might be paid, but your soul is jacked up. Man, listen, your soul ain't paid. Come on. I'm going to tell you right now. if you look at all the CEOs and everybody else, they ain't single. Majority not. Well, I don't even look like they're even. 90%, 95 % are Those Fortune 500 companies, and I ain't just saying, hey, be in something just to be in something. Right, we're not saying that. No, I'm saying be in something that's sustainable and worth being in something.

That's what we're saying. And you know what? At the end of the day, as long as God is first, your purpose is in alignment with God, nobody's perfect, but we got to start getting these relationships. So we're to do a key takeaway. So we don't want to hold you. This ain't trying to be long, especially. can you go over to the key takeaways and we'll go ahead and roll this thing out. But this has been a good conversation. feel like what you want.

Yeah, all right. Okay, because I will say this, the dash, you want to know what the dash in your life, because a lot of people are expiring early. I have seen so many people that are passing away in their 50s and 60s. Younger. Yeah, it's getting younger. And we're at now, like, you really got to not, and I know we hear that and it's like, oh, well, I got time. You really don't. You don't know. You don't even know when you walk out. Absolutely. So some key takeaways from today's conversation that limits your rigid expectations and...

like stop doing that timing does matter timing matters and familiarity can lead to blindness. like come on now. That's just you know what else we got distractions can cloud your opportunities and that means like work fear of the past. No, but for real no risk no reward. What are you really doing? You got a risk and look what you're saying risk but understand what it is that you what it is that you want right? What is that you're looking for? What's the last one?

Hindsight is revealing. It's only after the moment has passed that people realize they may have overlooked somebody or something truly special. Yes, definitely. I definitely experienced the circle back approach. The circle back approach. I bet you did. But all we're saying... I think we all have witnessed the circle back approach, the circle back of people that feel like, why? Yeah. And what we're seeing is... They wasn't it. We're seeing that the person that God has chosen has probably already been in your life or you already come across them. Right.

We're saying open up your eyes and stop this ego. All All these gallows and everything else ain't gonna get you saved. I'm just being honest. It ain't gonna get you saved. All right? What's gonna get you saved? The Lord won't get you saved. No, I'm sorry. You confess at your mouth that guy has raised from the dead. You know I'm saying? It's like if he don't walk on water, then they don't want him. That's it. Boaz has to walk on water and his toenails must be clipped in nail clear nail polish only on his nails, not on his feet. And if you see somebody that needs that...

that may need some improvement. Yeah, that's okay. Be that person that can come in their life and make some of those improvements that he may not have. And the person that may look perfect could use you something that could be poured into them, is what I'll say. nobody is perfect. They need some pouring into them, ladies. Always remember that. How can you enhance and add to his life?

Just like you did to me, sweetheart. Oh, I appreciate that. Just like you did to me too, sweetie. I appreciate you too. right. Yeah, listen to me. Yes, we had a good conversation today. We had a great conversation. Yes. I love this. I love having these conversations. I love having these conversations with you guys. keep saying I love you. Yes. One thing we want to make sure is. I love you. I love you too, I'm trying to wait and see if it. Yes. I love you too. Oh, goodness. Please like and subscribe. Yes. We're on all major platforms. Also, we're on YouTube. So hey.

Like and subscribe to us, reach out to us, tell us what type of conversation that you guys want to have. We willing to have those conversations about any and everything. We got some more stuff coming up soon, y'all already know. Straight fire. I appreciate it. Like Luther said, like, share, subscribe us on Let's Talk About It, Luther and Samantha Lampkin. We appreciate y'all. Have a great rest of your day, evening, whatever it is, whatever you're watching, what time it is. All right. Much love to y'all. Much love to you. Much love to you, baby. All right. Peace. Peace.