218. What Kind of Griever Are You? Understanding Your Grief Style and Why It Matters

In this episode, I'm diving into one of my favorite topics—grieving styles—and why understanding yours can be such a powerful part of your healing journey. Because here's what I want you to know before we even get started: there is no right way to grieve. There is only your way.

I'm pulling from real research here, specifically the work of psychologists Terry Martin and Kenneth Doka, who identified a spectrum of grieving styles that explains so much about why we all move through loss so differently.

Here's what we cover:
✨ The difference between intuitive and instrumental grieving, and why both are completely valid
✨ The five griever types: The Feeler, The Doer, The Blender, The Bottler, and The Spiraler, and how to identify which one you are
✨ How attachment theory connects to the way you experience and express grief
✨ Why some people bottle their grief inward, and how it can quietly show up in the body instead
✨ What's happening for the Spiraler, and why feeling stuck or consumed by grief doesn't mean you're failing
✨ How to use your grief style as a map, not a box, so you can start giving yourself exactly what you need
✨ A Soul Shift prompt to close the episode and carry into your week

If you've ever looked at someone else's grief and thought how are they doing that?—or looked at your own and thought what is wrong with me?—this episode is for you.

Learn more about Letters of Light 💌✨ https://lossesbecomegains.com/letters

Transcript

Welcome to Grieving Styles

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Hey there, welcome back to the Life with Grief podcast and this episode of Morning Sips and Soul Shifts, the little corner of the podcasting world of the internet where we get real about grief and hopefully walk away feeling a little less alone in it. I am your host, grief and soul purpose coach, Tara, and your friend in grief who actually wants to talk about the hard stuff because we don't shy away from that here. And I am genuinely so excited for today's topic. I have been looking forward to doing this one for a little while now because it's the kind of conversation that makes people go, oh my God, that's me. That's literally me. Oh my gosh, this explains so much. This makes so much sense. And that being said, we are talking about grieving styles, as in, what kind of griever are you and why does it even matter? And here's what I love about this: it is not made up. I did not just make this up. I did not pull this out of thin air. It's actually rooted in real research by psychologists Terry Martin and chemist Thoka, who spent years studying how humans respond to loss and found that we all grieve sort of on a spectrum, you could say. So today we are gonna get into that. We're gonna walk through, generally speaking, the different griever types. Of course, there's so many iterations of all of this, but I want you to listen not just to identify yourself, although that can be really fun. And I I know us as humans, we sort of like a label. We like to sometimes put ourselves in a nice little box, but it's really just to understand yourself better because I feel like that is where healing starts. That's where healing can be. But I also want to know, of course, it's very important want to preface this that this is not a prescription to be followed to the T. This is not the end all be all of you or your grief. But I think it's honestly just a fun way to identify how you're moving through your grief. You might have some beautiful aha moments today, and just to get to know yourself a little bit better, you know, like this new version of you. So it's gonna be fun today. It's kind of like a griefy personality test, you know? So before we officially dig in, just a friendly, gentle reminder to please consider subscribing or leaving a positive rating or review wherever you are enjoying this podcast or if you are watching on YouTube. It genuinely really helps the show get out there more and get into the ears and in front of the eyes of fellow grievers that need the support as well.

SPEAKER_00 2:34

Welcome to the Life with Grief podcast. I'm your host, grief and soul purpose coach, and fellow griever, Tara Accardo.

Science Behind Grief Styles

SPEAKER_01 2:43

All right, so to kick this off, I want to give you the research backbone here, but I promise I'm gonna make this actually digestible and interesting. No textbook vibes here, but it's important. And again, I want you to know that this episode and what we're going over here and these like quote unquote griever types are actually grounded in science. And they are actually coming from somewhere. So, as I mentioned, psychologists Terry Martin and Kenneth Doka, I really hope I'm saying that right. I think I am, but they identified something called grieving styles, and they described, you can kind of think of it as like two ends of a spectrum: intuitive grieving on one side and instrumental grieving on the other. Now, intuitive grievers, as you can imagine, feel everything outwardly and emotionally. They cry, they talk, they process through expression. Instrumental grievers are a little more internal and cognitive. They process through thinking and doing and often staying busy. And then there is this part that I think most people land in. There is this kind of blended grieving, which is, as the term implies, you kind of pull from both styles depending on the day or the moment or the type of washer going through. Now, the other layer I want to bring in here is attachment theory. Now, this is not gonna be an episode on attachment theory. That is a whole different topic for another day. But I think it helps explain kind of the why behind how we grieve a little bit. And the basic idea is that the way we learned to attach to people early in our life, whether we felt safe and secure or anxious and uncertain, actually help, well, it affects a lot of parts of our life, but it does also help shape how we respond to loss or trauma as adults. And it's none of this is like a life sentence, right? But it is, it's, I think it's just a really fascinating lens to look at your own grief through.

Why There's No Wrong Way to Grieve

SPEAKER_01 4:47

Now, before we go any further, I want to say this very clearly. I kind of alluded to this already, but there is no right way to grieve. There is no style that is right or wrong or anything. The goal of understanding your style, so to speak, isn't to judge yourself or compare yourself to anyone else. If anything, it's the opposite. It's to help give yourself grace, to help kind of just put some pieces together for you and to also give the people around you a little more grace too. Because I think this could be very eye-opening not only for us, but also realizing someone else in your life, or maybe you're listening and you're the supporter of someone grieving right now. This might be very eye-opening, like, oh, or like, you know, seeing how you grieve versus someone else. And it's like, okay, so maybe this is what they're experiencing, maybe this is what they need right now. And that's different from me. And that's okay, you know. So let's dig into it. Let's talk about our griever

The Feeler Griever

SPEAKER_01 5:47

types. So, first, I want to acknowledge the feelers here. That is that is the first grieving style, the feeler. And that is that person who's like, my grief lives right on the surface. If you're a feeler, those emotions are your primary language. And grief is no exception. You feel deeply, you cry freely, you process by talking it through, whether that is with a best friend, your therapist, or I've seen this actually, like literally a stranger that you meet somewhere or in the grocery store that just asked you how you were doing. You are much more open than some other people. You are the one who maybe can't watch a commercial about some sort of loss without kind of, I'm gonna jokingly and kind of lightheartedly say losing it, but it just gets you emotional. Maybe you've been told at some point that you are too sensitive or too emotional, which for the record, I think is one of the most unfair things you can say to someone. And that is not always a fun label, I know, but friendly reminder today, you are not too much. But research calls this the intuitive grieving style, which I almost like better. I mean, being a feeler is wonderful, but I I love this kind of verbiage of the intuitive grieving style because your response is focused on exploring and expressing your emotions, which is a very healthy thing to do. And that is a completely valid and beautiful and courageous way to move through loss. Feelers also often thrive in communities, support groups, close friendships, and spaces where they can be just heard and held. So if this is you, your sensitivity is not a weakness. It is actually one of your greatest gifts. And if you walk away with nothing today, I hope you know it is that. All right,

The Doer Griever

SPEAKER_01 7:43

next is the doer. So these are the people that are like, I cope by keeping busy and getting things done. If you're a doer, you perhaps processed the news of your loss, whatever that is to you, and then maybe immediately or almost immediately started making a to-do list or checking things off a list of like, okay, this needs done, these arrangements needs done, this person needs called, et cetera, et cetera. You know who you are. Maybe you cleaned the garage, you handled all the logistics, you went back to work before anyone thought you would. And, you know, in this case, it's like people can either admire you for that, or they can side-eye you a little bit for that, or maybe a little bit of both. Here's what the research says this is called the instrumental grieving style, as I mentioned earlier. And people who lean this way are drawn toward activity, tasks, and problem solving as a way to process a loss. And it's not that you don't feel it, it's that your grief lives more in your mind than your outward expression. And doing, doing, doing gives your mind somewhere to put all of that energy. One thing to watch for as a doer, because you tend to internalize, again, say tend to, right? There's always exceptions here. Okay. But because you tend to internalize, grief can quietly show up in your body as tension, headaches, exhaustion, anxiety, especially if you never slowed down enough to actually sit with it. You've, if you've been on this podcast before, if you've listened before, you've probably heard me say that once or twice. We got it. We have to witness our grief. We have to slow down to experience it and feel it. So if you find yourself being more of a doer, just be mindful of that, watch for that. If this is you, your strength and ability to hold things together is nothing short of extraordinary. I also need you to know that. Like it's it's so funny with some of these grieving styles. Cause I definitely, of course, as I was going through all of this and doing the research, I was identifying myself too. And I was laughing at myself because I was like, I feel like some of these are my strengths and my downfalls. And it's like, there's good qualities that are really helpful and have been very supportive to those around me and all the things. But I've also really allowed my cup to get very empty in some of these situations. And it has backfired and done me no good. So just be mindful of that. Not just for you doers, but anyone today, just as we're going through that, think about the ways that, you know, these things that we're talking about today could perhaps be a wonderful strength of yours, but also where some things might need to be a little bit better balanced. Let's just put it that way. And just remember for you doers, it's okay to put something down every once in a while, whether that is literally putting a box down, putting the phone down, like putting yourself down on a couch and resting, take that time because you need it

The Blender Griever

SPEAKER_01 10:49

and you deserve it. Okay, so next is the blender. So this is for those who might be thinking, I'm a little bit of everything depending on the day. So be honest, have you been listening to the feeler and the doer so far? Going, yeah, that's me. But that's also me. What gives here? If so, welcome to the blender club. And research actually says this is where most people land, which is probably not too surprising. You might cry into your pillow at night some night and then wake up and reorganize your entire kitchen the next morning. And both of those are true expressions of your grief. This blended style means that you tend to move between emotional expression and cognitive processing. And one might show up more depending on the day or the context or literally even how much sleep you did or did not get. The beautiful thing about the blender is that you have access to multiple ways of coping. And that actually gives you kind of a flexibility in grief that is really powerful and can be very helpful. So if this is you, because I know it might give you a little bit of emotional whiplash. So many clients that I work with, I think are here. It says typical grief waves, right? It's very common, very normal, where they're like one minute, they are just like catatonic on the floor, crying, having a crash out. And then, you know, 25 minutes later, they're they're back at work because they just gotta get stuff done. And I know that's confusing. So I just want to reassure you. I know it feels inconsistent, but you're not a consistent. You're not confusing, you're not doing it wrong. You are just human. And this is how you are wired and how your brain works, and that's okay. So just say wear it loud and proud. I am a grief blender, I guess. We all need name tags, I feel like, after this episode. Okay.

The Bottler Avoidant Griever

SPEAKER_01 12:49

Next one, the bottler, not surprising as the name implies, is the one who, when asked about how they are doing, says, I'm okay, I'm fine, before almost before the sentence is even finished. You might not cry at the funeral. You might not cry at all, at least not where anyone can see you. And you have probably been on the receiving end of some very confused or worried looks from people who expect you to look more grieved. But here is something incredibly important that I want you to hear. The way that you express your grief is not a measurement of how much or how little you loved someone. And research actually backs this up. This is not just me telling you that to make you feel better. What the research does tell us is that avoidant grievers tend to suppress emotions inward. And sometimes those emotions find another way out through physical symptoms like headaches, stomach issues, tension in the body, the list goes on, right? Because it it can and it will come out one way or another. And so what's important to know and just remember whether you are the bottler or you know someone who is, is that they often need permission than anything else. Permission to feel it, permission to let someone in, permission to know that falling apart doesn't make you weak. It's vital, it's critical to processing what has happened, whatever that is for you. So if this is you, I want you to hear this loud and clear. There is nothing wrong with how you're grieving. I truly am a proponent of like you cannot grieve wrong. We are all built and wired so differently. That's very, very important to remember. But it's almost like a couple of the ones I've already talked about. It's just sort of a cautionary tale of like, that's fine. You don't have to be breaking down and crying every 10, 15 minutes, like a feeler might be. Not that there's anything wrong with that either, but you just you just have to remember again, be aware that that grief, it's not going anywhere. And I don't say that to scare you. It is just literal facts. That is how grief works. So just being aware of that, being aware of those physical symptoms. And if you are feeling tension, if you're feeling that heaviness, you're literally feeling it in your neck and shoulders and stuff, just be aware of that. Find that sacred time with a with a coach, with a therapist, with a group, with just yourself in your car if you have to. But one way or another, that grief will be ready and waiting for you. So one way or another, gotta work through it. But there are resources to help you do that, I promise. But in the meantime, as long as you know that you are not alone and you do not have to bottle it up, it is far healthier to let it out. I used this example with a client recently where it's like a really, really full balloon that could like pop at any second. And when you pop it, it's it's loud, it's explosive. It's like, oh my God, right? Like it's it's not fun having a balloon pop in your ear like that. It is much more subtle and much more digestible of a sound to hear to slowly let the air out of the balloon, right? That's kind I that's kind of how I like to think of grief. And sometimes we let a lot of air out, and sometimes it's just little by little. But I always just come back to that analogy, especially for those who tend to bottle and tend to let things get a little bigger than them. Think about that balloon analogy and how that air, so to speak, has to go somewhere. You can consider the air your grief, if that makes sense. All right, next here, the spiraler. Oh, have I worked with many, many spiralers? These are the people

The Spiraler Anxious Grief

SPEAKER_01 17:50

that are like, I feel everything at once, and I cannot turn it off. The spiraler is that Grieber whose grief feels like it has a life of its own. And sometimes it is getting louder and louder or heavier and heavier instead of quieter and lighter. So if you are a spiraler, you might find yourself absolutely consumed by the loss, replaying it, ruminating on it, sometimes feeling like you are just not getting better. You're actually feeling, I've been really cautious not to say stuck lately. I'm I'm kind of having a different relationship with that word recently, because I think with grief, like, yes, we can we can feel stuck, but I also like to think of it as we're just not there yet, you know? And that's the point of processing it and working through it. It's to it's to get there. But for the purposes of this conversation, hang with me. I'll just use the term stuck for now. But it feels like you're getting more stuck. And one of the most painful parts is that you might feel guilty about that. Like everyone else is moving forward and you are somehow just failing and spiraling, as the name implies. But you are not failing at a thing. Usually what I see is that your nervous system, if you are a spiraler, is just working very, very hard to protect you. It is in general, but especially with these folks. And it needs a little more support and time than perhaps someone else might. And research around anxious attachment styles tells us that some people sort of in that category, if you will, experience more intense and prolonged grief, and that their narrative about the loss can actually grow over time rather than, again, I'm using this very loosely here, kind of ease up naturally. So this is just one of those griever types where the professional support, whether that is therapy, the right grief coach that is a good fit for you, or just a really strong community, just to name a few, can make a really meaningful difference. So if this is you, your depth of feeling, it is not a flaw, it's a beautiful thing. You're kind of like the feeler. I think it's amazing to feel as deeply as you do, because I I think that just makes you such a wonderful and empathetic person. But what I want you to know is you don't have to white knuckle this alone. There are ways to come out of the spiral, so to speak. But you just might be a person that needs a little more, however you want to word this, third-party outside help to do that because it's tougher for you to do that on your own. So those are our griever styles. So I want you to tell me, please, which one you find yourself being if you sort of again, I I almost I almost hate saying this Griever style. I don't want us to all like label ourselves or whatever. I truly, I want this to be, dare I say, kind of a fun exercise. But I don't know. Us millennials, if you like grew up with those magazines where it's like the personality quizzes and you could like, I don't know, put yourself kind of in that category. Sometimes it's very validating and helpful. So I don't know. But DM me, tell me in the comments of this episode, whatever, what you found yourself being, if any of these resonated with you at all. And if not, that's okay too. Because again, remember, this is it is a spectrum. We might be a little of all of these someday. It just depends. That's the beauty and the chaos of grief and loss, right? But now that we've talked about all five types, I just want to offer you a quick reframe

Grief Reframe

SPEAKER_01 21:36

before we wrap up, just to leave you with a little something today. Because again, knowing your grief style isn't about putting yourself in a box. It is, think of it this way it is about giving yourself a map. Because when you understand how you naturally respond to loss or just like any difficult situation in life, really, I feel like you can stop judging yourself a little bit for doing grief or anything else wrong. And you start giving yourself the specific things that you actually need. So that's what I really hope you walk away with today. And again, this is such a high-level conversation. I could go into depth on all five of these, honestly. But I hope it gave a little glimpse into like, oh, okay, that makes sense. And here's where I might need a little more of a specific type of support than someone else might. And here's why, you know. Feelers might need more community conversation and permission to just cry as long as they need to without feeling like they're too emotional or that they're doing it wrong or that they're crazy, right? Because you're not. Doers might need a project, they just need to like channel their grief and that this loss into something. And also permission to stop doing for just five to ten minutes to just feel, right? It's a little bit of a better balance that we're looking for there. Blenders might need to stop asking themselves which quote unquote type they are today and just follow what feels right in the moment. And I'm chuckling to myself because I'm definitely a blender. Hi, that is me. I'm definitely like, okay, which type am I? Where do I fall here? Like, that's where my overthinking sometimes comes in. But it's like, no, let's just have fun with this and take little bits and pieces away from this conversation today. But really, what it comes back to, almost kind of like leaning more towards the feelers, is like just intuitively, what do I need right now? This really goes for all of these types, right? It's it's bringing ourselves back to our body because grief and loss really disconnect us from ourselves, from our soul, from our body, from our mind. Everything's disconnected. So taking those deep breaths, coming back to ourselves, asking, what do I need right now, in this moment? Inhale, exhale, and just checking in. But you blenders, and I'm talking to myself as I'm saying this, might need a little bit more of that than usual. Bottlers, they just might need someone safe enough to let them crack open just a little bit and bring down the perhaps kind of rougher, tougher exterior. I am full of analogies today. I'm almost thinking of this like a soda bottle that's been shaken up a lot. And you just want to like, you know, when you like crack it open and just let a little bit of like the, I'm blanking on the word, but like the effervescence, right? The pressure out of it, that's all, that's all you need to do. That's all I'm asking you to do today. Just let a little bit of it out and finding the right support to help enable you to do that. So whether that is someone that you are very close with, maybe you feel a lot of comfort and safety with that person. Or maybe you don't want to confide in someone especially close to you. Maybe having someone in your corner with a little less skin in the game could actually be easier. So through a therapist or a coach or whatever, whatever works for you, whatever feels good to you. It's just about getting that support and not sort of suffering in silence, you know? And then lastly, those spiralers might need that professional support and the reassurance that needing more help is not the same as being broken. It doesn't mean you're broken. It doesn't mean you're gonna be in this spiral and this loop forever. It's making sure you have the right support and guidance to help you out of that loop. Now, here's the other thing: your griever type, if you will, can shift over time. It can shift across different losses and even across different seasons of the same loss because grief is not static, right? And neither are you. We are all always growing and evolving and changing. And so that's a beautiful, magical thing. But just remember that what you are right now doesn't mean that that might not change in five or 10 years or whatever. So just having lots of grace for yourself in this process, as always, is what we need to come back to. All right. Last thing here, here's your little soul shift for this episode. I had to give you one today because I want you to actually really

Your Soul Shift Reflection

SPEAKER_01 26:25

sit with this one, maybe even write it down if it's helpful for you. Okay, so here it is. Now that I know how I tend to grieve, what is one thing I can give myself permission to do or stop doing this week? Maybe it's permission to take the afternoon off from being productive. Doers, bottlers, I'm looking at you. It's one afternoon in your entire life. I promise you, you will be able to be productive very soon. But don't underestimate how important rest is to you right now. Maybe it's permission to finally pick up the phone and call someone or get the help that you know that you have been needing this whole time. Whatever it is, give it to yourself in this moment, today, this week, because you, my friend, you are too important. Your mental health, your joy, your peace, your sanity, it is all too important and you need it and you deserve it because you have been through a lot. All right. So that is a wrap on today's episode. I genuinely hope this one gave you just something to think about, something to hold on to. I hope we can kind of come together in community over this one. I'm very excited and curious and intrigued to hear what you, as the listener, are. So again, to reiterate, if you listened today and had an oh, that's me moment, I want to hear about it. Come find me on Instagram, drop into my DMs. You can email me, hello at losses become gains.com, tell me which Griever type you resonated with. You can also remember, drop me a note or a voice note that is all linked in the show notes. And regardless of Griever types or not, I just want this to be a two-way conversation. So I'm always open to hearing from you. And if this episode hit close to home and you are realizing that you could maybe use a little more support as you navigate your grief, remember that is what I'm here for. You can head to the show notes to learn more about how we can work together because as always, you do not have to do this alone. All right. Thank you so much for being here. Thank you for trusting me with something as tender and sacred as your grief and your loss. I'm sending you lots of love, and I will see you in the next one.