225. Navigating the Messy Middle of Grief Between Heartbreak and Healing

If you're past the early, gut-punch stage of grief but nowhere near "healed", you might be living in what I call the messy middle. And it's one of the most disorienting, confusing, and misunderstood seasons of the entire grief journey.

Let's talk about that in-between season where the shock has worn off, you're functioning, you're showing up, but something still feels off and you're not quite sure who you are anymore. It's confusing, it's uncomfortable, and not enough people are talking about it.

I'm getting real about why the messy middle is one of the most disorienting—and also very important—seasons of the grief journey. Because here's what I truly believe: healing is not a destination. It's a continuous process, and this in-between place? It's not a detour, it's the work.

We dig into:
✨ What the messy middle actually looks and feels like, and why it's more valid than you think
✨ Why this phase is doing something really important in you, even when it doesn't feel that way
✨ The truth about healing that nobody tells grievers in this season
✨ Three mindset shifts to help you stop fighting the in-between and start working with it
✨ A simple grounding tool to come back to when the confusion gets loud
✨ Why curiosity about what's next isn't a betrayal of your grief

If you've been feeling lost in the in-between, I hope this episode feels like a deep exhale. You're in one of the most quietly powerful seasons of your entire healing journey.

Learn more about Letters of Light 💌✨ https://lossesbecomegains.com/letters

Transcript

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There's something deeply human about receiving a physical letter in the mail. I don't know about you, but for me, that feeling is irreplaceable. And for someone who is grieving, which might be you, that can mean everything. That is exactly why I created Letters of Light, a monthly letter offering just for grievers. You can kind of think of me as your pen pal here a little bit because I want to bring back nostalgia in a really meaningful but fun way. So each month has a central theme, and I blend my grief and soul purpose coaching to put together three pieces for you that are thoughtful, intentional, beautiful, and literally designed to help you feel seen, supported, loved on, and guided through your grief experience. As the name implies, it's really to bring some light back into your life because I know from losing my parents so close together that life after loss can feel very dark. And I want these letters to be really just a beacon of light and hope for you. So head to the link in the show notes or you can visit lossesbecome gains.com slash letters because you, my friend, deserve something that you can actually hold and helps you in your life with grief on those hard days. I hope I have the opportunity to send you a letter soon. Welcome to the Life with Grief Podcast. I'm your host, grief and soul purpose coach, and fellow griever, Tara Accardo. Hello and welcome back to this episode of Morning Sips and Soul Shifts on the Life with Grief Podcast. I am so happy you're here. I invite you to get comfortable, grab your favorite beverage if you feel called to, and just get comfortable with me as we dive into this particular topic today, which is something that I think is so important to talk about, just like every topic is here on the podcast. But this one especially, I think could always use a little more attention. And today we're talking about that messy, confusing, what even is this middle space between feeling that really bad, shocking initial heartbreak that we go through after a loss and feeling some semblance of healing, which I say this many times is always continuous. But when I say healing in this case, I mean feeling some level of okay, I acknowledge this loss. I know this grief is always going to be a part of me, a part of this story. And I'm feeling okay. I am healing, so to speak. But I'm just in this weird, crazy, messy middle that I kind of don't know what to do with. Maybe you can relate to that feeling. And I have just been having so many conversations about this lately, and I just couldn't think of a better time to bring it up. So that's exactly what we're gonna get into today. And I just want to say to you, if no one has told you yet, that place, if you find yourself there today or at any point, is so valid and it is so real, and and it has a name in a sense, even if it doesn't have this clean little bow on it. Now, to preface this, as the topic that we are getting into today implies, I just invite you always to listen with discernment. If you perhaps don't find yourself in this messy middle right now, this might not be for you. And it might even feel too early for you to hear this, or maybe even a little late for you to hear this if you find yourself a little further along and really moving forward in a way. But as always, keep what resonates, leave the rest. There is zero pressure here ever. And I just hope one way or another, this sort of mini episode today, because again, we're only scratching the surface here, but I hope this episode today at least helps you feel seen and validated in this experience. And I have just a few really gentle mindset shifts that I will share towards the end with you too. I will start by saying that I know this messy middle. I can relate to this messy middle. I have been through this messy middle. I honestly feel like I'm I'm still there sometimes, but I am very much in a place where my grief is being coped with. I feel really good, I feel very inspired, I feel very hopeful, and I'm in a good place. And I don't say that should be braggy, I just say it because I want to instill, hopefully, in you, if you're not as far along, that that can be very possible for you too. But I will say around, I would say maybe like the two or three year mark, there's always something I find about like the two, especially three-year mark, that people, not everyone, but some people will feel after they have been through a loss that they they find themselves in that middle space around that time. It's like this three-year itch, I kind of call it. And how this showed up for me personally, again, this is just my journey. I'll keep this brief, but I was in a place where I felt like I was coping really well. Like all things considered, right? Of course, even to this day, still miss my parents every single day, still think about them every single day. But there was something about the way in which my life was around that point that I was feeling good, better at least, more settled in a job that I found comfortable and I enjoyed at the time. I was in a solid relationship. My now husband and I broke up in between my parents dying in those six months. That was a very complicated time, but we had gotten back together. We worked through a lot, like I just felt more stable. Let's just put it that way. And I would say that that space allowed me to really start hearing these thoughts of okay, Tara, we're kind of a little bit away more now from the initial anguish and shock and agony of losing mom and dad. And the permanence really started setting in. And this idea of like, okay, I got the rest of my life now, however long that might be, to live and really live in a way that feels good and true and pure and authentic and exciting and joyful. And I wanted that for myself so badly. But I felt like I was just kind of in this mud, in this messy middle that I'm talking about a lot today, and wondering how to get there. What was the next step? Where do I even go from here? Like, just in this process, really, of figuring out who I was parentless now, and what did that look like for me? And what did that mean for me now? And this weird middle space, for lack of a better term, that we might find ourselves in can be really tough sometimes. It's it's strange. It's like we're just far enough away from the loss itself to not perhaps be in such survival mode, but we're still really lacking a lot of like clarity and direction on where to go from here and what's next. And it's just a very weird sort of push-pull that we can feel in sort of a phase like this. And there's really no timeline on this phase either, I should just say. But anyway, I just share that with you just to let you know that I I have been there, been in your shoes if you're feeling this right now. And more than anything, I really just want to validate that today and just let you know that I see you in that and how difficult that might be, even if people around you might not. So let's just get right into it because again, I just hope this episode can give you perhaps a little relief today, or if nothing else, just is able to meet you where you are. So let's just start by acknowledging what this messy middle, I really have no better word for it, so I'll just keep calling it that. Bear with me. What this messy middle can look and feel like. As I alluded to, the shock perhaps has worn off. Like it's always a little bit shocking losing loved ones or going through some of the things that we have. Like to an extent, I'm still shocked and surprised that my parents are dead six years later. But you probably understand what I'm saying. The initial shock has worn off. That acute gut punch, heartbreak of that really early grief has, I'll say, softened, maybe hasn't gone away, but it is softened just a little bit. And people around you might even be saying things like, you know, you seem like you're doing so much better. You seem like you're doing well. I definitely had those things said to me. And perhaps a part of you is doing better. And a part of you still aches in ways that are really hard to explain to someone who perhaps hasn't been there or just can't be in your mind and body every day and don't really see what you're carrying and what you're going through. You might not be crumbling the way that you once were, perhaps. But again, you're also not to this point where you're like, this is great. I'm good. I feel, I feel amazing right now, right? And I think it's really important for us to pause and acknowledge something that I truly believe in my bones. And I kind of mentioned this earlier, but I don't really think and believe that we are ever fully quote unquote healed from our loss. But moreover, I don't even want that to be the goal. Like if you are listening here today and there might be any expectation that you're maybe putting on yourself or that you feel from others to be like totally and completely healed from what you've been through, let's just take that pressure off right now. Let's let's place that burden down. Because if I have learned anything, it's that healing, so to speak, is not a destination you arrive at and unpack your bags. It is continuous. It is a living thing, a living process. And this messy middle, so to speak, is part of that process, not a detour around it, you know? But I love acknowledging that because I feel like in a funny way, again, it can help you take some of the pressure off of it because so many people will feel like they have to be somewhere in their grief by a certain point. But it just doesn't work that way. And I think when we can release the pressure to do that or get there, wherever there is, we can now sit with it in a way that we really need to. It can really help unlock something for us. And I think that was a big thing for me in that again, that two, three year mark when I really felt like I was in this messy middle, acknowledging that. Again, I mentioned the permanence earlier, like I was really getting used to my parents not being here. I was happy about it, but I was resigned to it, right? I gave myself permission to release guilt, release regret, release the pressure to be anywhere other than where I was in my grief experience right there and then. And that really opened a lot of doors for me. And I was able to give myself a lot of compassion and patience and empathy that I really, really needed. And then I was able to spread that around to people around me too. So it's it's a really beautiful thing and it has this really amazing ripple effect. So wanted to get that out there. But I think what also makes this particular, I'm gonna call it phase, just bear with me on that word. I use that loosely, but what's so disorienting about this feeling is that it doesn't always look dramatic enough to feel valid, right? You you're functioning, you're showing up, but internally you might be feeling this weird limbo, like you're not even sure which version of yourself you are right now. And on top of that, perhaps there is something in you that is starting to stir this quiet, sometimes scary at times curiosity about what is next for you. There's like a little part of you that's that's trying to get comfortable with exploring that. And you might feel guilty about it or confused by it or both at the same time. I see this all the time with grievers that I work with. And I just want to gently reframe something for you right now, if that is some tension that you're feeling. This messy middle is not a problem to solve, it is actually doing something really important within you. So think about it like this: when you are in that really early acute grief, you're in survival mode, right? Your nervous system is just doing all that it can to get you through the day. And there's not a lot of room for anything else other than literal survival, right? We don't lose our minds in the process of losing who or what we have. But that messy middle, that is where the integration, so to speak, starts to happen. Where your mind and your heart are slowly, quietly reconciling the life that you had with the life that you are now living. And this is not always glamorous work, and you won't often see it happening in real time, but something is shifting in you. And the fact that you can even begin to imagine or begin to get curious about, you know, quote unquote what's next, I feel that that means something has opened up that wasn't there before. And that's a big deal in a good way and in perhaps exciting way, especially because I know so many of us in those earlier days, weeks, months, even year, maybe even a little bit more after our loss, can't even begin to remotely see that or even imagine it. And I have seen this over and over with fellow grievers that I speak with or even clients that I coach. And in fact, there's definitely at least a couple people in my life right now that are people grieving that I'm working with. And they're in this interesting space where kind of like what I was sharing about my experience earlier, where I'm like, okay, I got like my job's pretty stable. I feel like I'm okay there. I I have a good partner, perhaps. And by the way, you don't have to even have a partner of any kind to be feeling this. But, you know, maybe there's just one way or another, life has stabilized somehow. And you almost perhaps feel like it's not even like help with your grief that you need. Like again, the people that I'm thinking of, it's like, yes, they have their griefy moments, of course. And yes, there are certainly things as it pertains to their grief that I might help them through. But it's really getting curious about themselves, this new iteration of themselves, this new version that is blossoming and coming to life that they didn't even know was possible. They didn't even know that this person, this new, this new like version of them was going to come to life and come to fruition, but it is. And they're recognizing they're like, okay, I can't really ignore this. I don't know that I'm fully ready, but I'm I'm also not gonna just sit here and not pay attention to where my life is now versus where it was in those really early days of grief. And they're doing their best to welcome it in and get curious about it, but do it in a really gentle way that kind of eases them into it and it doesn't feel forced. It's just a very natural sort of unfolding process. And so if you're feeling any semblance of that, I just want you to know there's so many people out there who are in this crazy middle space of their grief, and this is so, so common. And the sort of mud, as I like to call it, let's think of that as like fertile ground, right? And the fact that you are in it, just trudging along the best that you can means that you are in fact moving through it. You are growing, you are evolving, even when it doesn't always feel that way. So if you find yourself in this messy, messy middle right now, as I alluded to earlier, here are just a few very gentle, very soft mindset shifts that I just want to leave you with today. These have been very powerful and impactful for me, myself, and my own grieving journey, but also other grievers. And again, I hope it just helps take some pressure off and again, just crack open that door to curiosity. And I hope it just helps you kind of wrap your head around where you're at today, perhaps. All right, so mindset shift number one. Stop waiting to quote unquote feel ready before you let yourself be curious. One of the biggest things I see grievers do in this, again, using this term loosely, this phase is to put their own healing on hold until they feel like they have grieved enough, so to speak. And that moment is likely never going to announce itself in a huge way. So, all the more reason to really just lean into this process and just go with where you are feeling led. Because curiosity about what is next for your life, I just want to reassure you, it is not a betrayal of your loved one if you've lost a loved one, or you just your grief in general. It is actually a really brave and really beautiful signal that you are still here and that a part of you, even if it's really, really small right now, wants to live fully. And I hope you know that you are deserving of that. And I just want you to feel that and believe that in your bones. So that is number one. Mindset shift number two, let the discomfort be information, not a verdict. And emphasis on the discomfort because again, it is such a confounding place to be in this weird middle place where we're like not in the early grief, but we're not years and years and years down the line, perhaps. The confusion, the restlessness, the I don't know who I am right now feeling, that's not evidence that something is wrong with you. It's evidence that you are in a transition. And transitions are uncomfortable by nature a lot of the time, right? So instead of asking yourself, like, why do I feel so lost? Like, what is going on with me? How do I get out of this? Who am I now? Like all these big existential like questions. Take a step back even further and try asking, what is this discomfort actually trying to tell me? Because there is usually something in there that I have found is worth listening to and can actually give us a lot of clarity and be a really beautiful first step to moving forward from there. Mindset shift number three, you don't have to have it all figured out. You kind of just have to keep moving. And you do that at your own pace always. But this sort of messy middle is not necessarily the place for a five-year plan. Okay, I speak from experience in my own grief and witnessing others. And it's not the place for all the answers. It is really a place for one small, honest step at a time. So that might look like journaling, one question that you have been afraid to ask yourself, or just something you know you need to dig into and get some clarity on, but really only you are the one that's able to do that. And so it's just holding that space for yourself and giving yourself a shot to even answer that question. Or it might look like saying yes to one thing that feels even a little bit like you again, whatever this new version of you wants and needs right now. And remembering, and I've talked about this on the podcast before, that that, you know, pre-loss version of you could look a little different or a lot different than this post-loss version. So it really is a matter of finding what we are comfortable with now and knowing that that can and will continue to change into the future. And so it's a really beautiful exercise in just checking in with our mind, with our body, with our soul, like, okay, what? I take a deep breath and like what do I need right now? And just remembering that it doesn't have to be big or this big monumental thing or this aha moment to be really meaningful and intentional. And then I also just have this last tool that I was going to offer to you today in case you find this helpful. And it's sort of what I will very informally call the what is still true check-in. So when the messy middle feels really loud and really disorienting, try this. Sit quietly for a few minutes and just ask yourself what is still true about me even now? And like really ponder that. Not who or what you've lost, not what has changed, but what is still there, your values, what is important to you still, characteristics that you want and friends that you have in your life, certain hobbies, the things that make you you. Because I know going through a loss or multiple losses, right? As I have, I know there's many people listening to this podcast who have been through more than one, or it's compounding. And it just feels like these losses and this grief strips every single thing from us. And in some ways it does, but it does leave little bits and pieces here and there. And we do kind of have to very uncomfortably put them back together and rebuild again. But it is very, very possible. And if you are in this messy middle right now, please just hear this. If nothing else, today. You are in one of the most quietly powerful seasons of your entire journey post-loss. And it is doing something within you that you might not fully understand until I'm gonna say until you're on the other side of it. And I don't mean that quite so literally because it's like, what is the other side of it really? But I will just say, as someone who, you know, again, as of right now, I am six years out from roughly from losing my mom and dad. And I I wouldn't say I'm even on the other side of like some weird, messy middle, but I definitely have some hindsight that I didn't have around that two to three-ish year mark that I was really feeling it. So keep doing your best to keep going, keep feeling it, keep asking those tough questions, keep getting curious about yourself, set that time aside for you. Again, you deserve it. You are so worthy of feeling seen in a really meaningful way. And oftentimes no one can see us better than ourselves, right? Like, especially after a loss. And please know that I am right there walking alongside of you. I am very much in this in my own way. So that is all I have for you today. If this episode resonated with you, I would be so appreciative and grateful if you shared it with your community or someone who might need to hear it today as well. I feel like some of the most powerful things we can do for a fellow griever in our life is to just say, hey, I see you and you are not alone in this. And this made me think of you today. And I truly hope that is how you feel coming out of these episodes as well. I am sending you so much love today, and I will see you in the next one. I am sending you a huge thank you for tuning into today's episode, my friend. Be sure to hit that subscribe button if you haven't already, and share this episode or this podcast with someone who could use it too. I'll catch you in the next episode.