Divorce Diaries: Lessons From the Trenches
Welcome to Divorce Diaries, where host Cary Jacobson, attorney and mediator brings you real stories, hard truths, and practical advice on navigating divorce and family law. Whether you're going through it, considering it, or just curious, this is your place for clarity, confidence, and resilience.
Divorce Diaries: Lessons From the Trenches
EP #5: Understanding Child Custody with host Cary Jacobson
Unlock the keys to understanding child custody with expert insights from host Cary Jacobson, attorney and mediator. In this episode, Cary dives into the benefits of flexibility, open communication, and mediation as alternatives to drawn-out court battles. She discusses how to navigate the sometimes turbulent waters of divorce by mastering the distinctions between legal and physical custody. Listen now to gain the knowledge necessary to make informed decisions about child custody.
Visit jacobsonworkshop.com to learn more.
One way for people to modify that arrangement would be for them to simply reach an agreement with one another whether that's on their own or going back to mediation to address that and coming up with basically a new agreement as to what that arrangement is going to look like look like.
Speaker 2:Welcome to divorce diaries, where attorney Carrie Jacobson brings you real stories, hard truths and practical advice on navigating divorce and family law. Whether you're going through it, considering it or just curious, this is your place for clarity, confidence and resilience.
Speaker 3:Well, welcome. This is Charlie McDermott. Carrie, can I use the word executive producer? That sounds so much more official rather than just producer. Can you promote me to executive? Yes, charlie McDermott, the executive producer now and co-host. I'm here with Carrie Jacobson, by the way. Carrie, how are your holidays? How are you doing?
Speaker 1:Doing well, though it feels like it is still the holidays. We are experiencing a bit of a snowstorm today, so kids are outplayed.
Speaker 3:Love it, love it, and we were this close to having a white Christmas.
Speaker 1:But maybe next year.
Speaker 3:Well, speaking of kids a really important topic today, carrie, understanding child custody and I was going to go through just a series of questions to just tee things up and allow you to help your audience best understand this you game.
Speaker 1:I'm absolutely game.
Speaker 3:Yeah, it's what you do, Right? So let's start with just the overall. Can you explain what child custody, child custody entails and what its critical aspect in the whole divorce proceedings? You know how does it fit in.
Speaker 1:Absolutely so. Every state it's going to be different, but here in Maryland we are. Typically we're talking about two distinct issues. When we, when somebody refers to custody, there's legal custody and that is really talking about who's authorized and empowered to make those really important decisions regarding the kids, whether that's medical care, schooling, if they're going to go to private school versus public school, what religion they may be practicing over time, and, you know, discipline and long range issues, those you know, really substantive issues. That's when we're dealing with legal custody. And then we're talking about physical custody. You know we're talking about how parents are going to share time with their children, and that can be everything from, you know, one parent having the children primarily to the parents really sharing that equally. But a lot of that depends on what you know, what's really best for them and best for the kids.
Speaker 3:Yeah, so would those then be the two primary types of child custody arrangements, the physical and the legal?
Speaker 1:Yes, so those are the two things that we're going to really be focusing on, and then, within them, there are different ways that parents can hold those legal custody and that physical custody.
Speaker 3:Okay, okay and wow. You know I never, never, gave thought to all of the different decisions that need to be made. I mean on the legal side, you're right, like religion and schools and all, wow, wow. So do you find that these couples come in with with an understanding, or, or are many of these kind of worked out on the legal side, and and is that where, like, like, how does that typically play out?
Speaker 1:Yeah, so you know where I typically see parents having struggles when we're talking about legal custody decisions, right? Oftentimes it's around whether a child is going to participate in some sort of mental health, you know, are they going to see a therapist, are they going to be medicated for a mental health condition? Oftentimes those are issues parents may have disputes about. Sometimes it is vaccinations. You know that came up a lot during the COVID era. You know parents having differing perspectives on whether or not children should follow a, you know, a particular vaccination schedule. I don't see as often parents arguing over, you know, should the child have routine medical care? Should the child have some sort of emergency care, that sort of thing on the medical side.
Speaker 1:When we're talking about religion, obviously that can be complicated if parties, you know if parents, are of differing religions, and so it's really having a conversation about well, what is the child going to subscribe to? Are you going to, you know, have them follow a particular religion? And if so, what does that look like? And when we are dealing with school sometimes, that is, you know, is the child going to participate in attend public school or private school? And then, if it's public school, a lot of times that's based on where one parent, where the child, is primarily residing. So a lot of that comes down to you know what the location of the school is.
Speaker 3:Okay, yeah. Well, how about? What should parents consider when creating a custody agreement?
Speaker 1:So back on the legal side of things, it's really are the two of you able to communicate with one another and making those important decisions regarding the kids, right? So there are different types of ways that legal custody can be addressed. It can be that parents have joint legal custody, meaning they have to make those important decisions together and one can't trump the other, right? So they are basically on equal footing when making those decisions. One scenario could be that one parent would have sole legal custody decision making. So I will say, in my experience, that doesn't happen quite as often these days, unless one parent really has been absent or has in some way made poor decisions for a child. And then the other kind of hybrid is having joint legal custody with one parent having a final tie breaking authority, a final tie-breaking authority. So you know, scenarios have happened where maybe one parent is a medical professional, so maybe that person gets the medical decision-making and vice versa. You know, that sort of thing.
Speaker 1:When we're talking about the physical access, there's lots of things that come into play with considerations that parents should be looking at. One, you know, really basic one is how close do you live with one another? You know, are you in the same state. Are you down the street from one another? How long is it going to take to commute from one parent's house to the other? That in and of itself will have a drastic impact on what the access schedule can be. Another thing is what is each parent's work schedule, you know? Is someone working overnights? Is someone on some sort of shift work? All of those things can impact what the physical access schedule will look like.
Speaker 3:Okay, all right. So about after the divorce? Can that arrangement be modified or, if so, how could you modify that arrangement?
Speaker 1:Yeah. So one way for people to modify that arrangement would be for them to simply reach an agreement with one another, whether that's on their own or going back to mediation to address that and coming up with basically a new agreement as to what that arrangement is going to look like. It's best practice to include that in the court, but it doesn't have to be. Sometimes it's really.
Speaker 1:You know, I tell a lot of our clients our goal is that you and your co-parent are working so well with one another. Your agreement kind of goes in a drawer and you just do what you need to for the benefit of the children, right, and so it's really just working it out between yourselves on a day-to-day basis. But if there are substantial changes, such as one parent relocating out of state you know, we've got parents who get new jobs, or what have you or if one gets remarried and maybe it's now moving an hour away, a day-to-day schedule may not necessarily be appropriate any longer. So first is to reach an agreement on your own, and if that can't happen, then the alternative option would be going to court and asking the court to make a modification.
Speaker 3:Okay, okay. How about the steps? What steps can parents take to ensure the best interest of their child are prioritized?
Speaker 1:It's really, first and foremost, putting yourself in your child's shoes. What would this feel like to you if you were your child, you know? Is it best for your particular child? And every child's needs are different, we know. You know you can have siblings in the same household who have different personalities and different needs. Right, are they? Do they work well with transition? Is that something that's going to really be OK for them? Are they laid back and can just kind of go with the flow, or do they need substantial structure and consistency? Substantial structure and consistency so really just putting the focus on what's best for your child instead of how much time.
Speaker 3:That means for you as a parent, very good, okay, all right. So as I'm asking these questions, carrie, I just want to remind your audience that we may not cover everything. I mean, we only have so much time, carrie, especially coming back from a long holiday. But you know, for listeners or viewers, if you have a specific question about child custody, we have a text line so you can text your question over or, for that matter, call that number 24-7. Or, for that matter, call that number 24-7. Obviously, you won't get a phone call back at 2 in the morning, but certainly Carrie's team will get back to you. That number is 443-726-4912. And again, questions you have specific to this episode that Carrie can answer later or get right back to you, or other topics that you want to hear. All right, so back to what we have for this episode, carrie, what common challenges do parents face with custody arrangements?
Speaker 1:I think one of the most common challenges is determining what is in your child's best interest and knowing whether or not it's actually going to work once you put it in place right. A lot of times people are doing setting up the agreement before trying it out, and so knowing that there has to be some flexibility on both parents' part and what might and what you think may work may not necessarily be best for everyone and so being willing to be flexible and making those changes so that it does work best for the kids.
Speaker 3:All right, well, and that might cover what I'm going to ask next, which is how can disputes over custody be resolved amicably? Which is how can disputes over custody be resolved amicably.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think you know it's touching base with one another and talking about how the kids are responding to the new scenario. And if those communications are not effective one on one between your co, you know with your co-parent then maybe having that conversation again back in mediation on things that need to be addressed or, you know, using the alternative resource of a therapist or co-parenting therapist that may be able to help. So it comes down to one communication and two if that's not working.
Speaker 3:So it comes down to one communication and two, if that's not working, get professional help, absolutely.
Speaker 1:Now you mentioned mediation, so what role does mediation play in custody disagreements? Are having a disagreement about a particular issue one way that they can hold legal custody, or even one way they can hold legal custody, is that, if they have joint decision making, that if they do have a dispute they'll come back to mediation to address it before further making a request in court. And so sometimes we have those people come back to us and to discuss those issues in mediation, and so really, in that scenario, as the mediator, we're trying to help those parents find common ground to address that particular issue, whether it is a change of the schedule or a change of you know, maybe it's a medical issue that needs to be addressed, really focusing on the particular issue that needs to be dealt with, because going back to court to have an issue resolved takes a substantial amount of time and a substantial amount of money.
Speaker 3:Okay, Carrie. What advice do you have for parents navigating child custody during a divorce?
Speaker 1:Again, I go back to really, first and foremost, putting your kids focus, really focusing on what's going to be best for your child, and that's going to be a mix of things, right? So it's going to be obviously trying something new, because now this child is going to be going between two households, but, and keeping those lines of communication open between households and recognizing that it doesn't have to be all one way or all the other. It's really, you know, keeping it fluid and making sure that the child feels like they are the center there.
Speaker 3:So how about advice, any advice you can provide for parents looking to support their children emotionally through custody transitions?
Speaker 1:I think the biggest thing is to encourage the child to see the other parent, to have a good time with the other parent, to not feel like they're having to choose one or the other, to not feel like they're having to choose one or the other and to not put your own emotions of. You know, sometimes it's really hard not to be spending time with your child, right, this is the first time you've been away from them for any substantial amount of time and now they're going to be you know they're going to be in the other parent's household, right, and that brings up a lot of feelings for us as parents. But not putting those feelings on the kid, because they they can, even if it's not done intentionally, kids pick up on that and you know they want to then soothe you and make you feel better. Even if that isn't, you know really their role, yeah yeah, really good point, Carrie.
Speaker 3:for our listeners who want to find out additional information resources, can you point them in a direction here?
Speaker 1:Yes, absolutely so. If you go to our website, which is jacobsonfamilylawcom, and go to our blog, we have lots of different blog posts and resources on various topics, including co-parenting and custody related issues. You can also find those on our YouTube channel. So, in addition to our podcast.
Speaker 3:There's other video resources there, terrific, terrific. And then, well, are there any? You may not be aware of any, but I just figured I'd throw it out there Any organizations or professionals that you would recommend for, you know, listeners going through a child custody situation.
Speaker 1:Sure, you know, I always recommend getting your own therapist potentially getting a therapist for your child who may be going through this transition, just as a resource. You know, to have someone to talk to if they don't feel comfortable talking to you and your co-parent, as you know, really being able to confide in you. There are some support groups for kids so you could reach out to your child's guidance counselor at their school and also locally here in Howard County we have an organization called National Family Resiliency Center NFRC for short that has a children's support group as well. So if that would be something that your child could benefit from, that's a great resource.
Speaker 3:Great, great information, carrie. Thanks for sharing that. I know that'll be real helpful. Great, great information, carrie. Thanks for sharing that. I know that'll be real helpful. Well, first episode of the year 2025 is here, and this, I know, is going to be really helpful for your audience, carrie. So thank you for being a part of your show and allowing me to co-host here, and I'll see you soon in a future episode. I hope you'll bring me back.
Speaker 1:Absolutely. Thank you so much for helping.
Speaker 2:Thanks for joining us today on this episode of Divorce Diaries. Remember every journey is unique, but you don't have to navigate it alone. Visit jacobsonfamilylawcom or call 443-726-4912 for support and guidance.