Divorce Diaries: Lessons From the Trenches

EP #26: Healing After a Brutal Divorce with Guest Jeff Kolez

• Cary Jacobson, Esq. • Episode 26

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Host Cary Jacobson, attorney and mediator, is joined this week by Jeff Kolez as he shares his journey through a brutal seven-year divorce that cost him $100,000 and left him emotionally devastated with a "soul wound." He reveals how he developed a five-step process for healing and rebuilding trust in himself after losing friends, money, and his sense of identity.

Whether you're contemplating divorce, in the midst of one, or still healing years later, this episode delivers practical wisdom infused with compassion and hard-earned insight. Subscribe to Divorce Diaries for more conversations that bring clarity, confidence and resilience to one of life's most challenging transitions.

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Jeff Kolez:

I just thought the divorce was going to be splitting the goods and moving on. But it went much, much deeper than that. I lost friends of 10, 15 years because they said they didn't want to side with anybody. And it impacted me in every area of life. It impacted my relationships, me in every area of life. It impacted my relationships. It impacted my ability to make money, to hold on to money. Physically, I had a hard time sleeping.

Intro/Close:

Welcome to Divorce Diaries, where attorney Cary Jacobson brings you real stories, hard truths and practical advice on navigating divorce and family law. Whether you're going through it, considering it or just curious, this is your place for clarity, confidence and resilience.

Cary Jacobson:

Welcome back to Divorce Diaries Lessons from the Trenches, where we dive deep into real stories and emotional journeys of people navigating life during and after divorce. I'm your host, Cary Jacobson, family law attorney, mediator and advocate for out-of-court resolutions. Today we're talking about what happens after the dust settles about healing, rebuilding and learning to trust yourself again. I'm honored to have Jeff Kolez to the podcast. Jeff has lived through a war zone of a marriage and survived a brutal divorce. He walked away with nothing except a broken heart and the decision to fight for his future, and through that he found his own purpose and has developed a five-step process for recovering after divorce, emotionally and spiritually. Jeff, thank you so much for being here today.

Jeff Kolez:

Well, I appreciate you even opening this conversation, Cary. I know a lot well. When I was going through my divorce 15 years ago, there was like almost nothing, almost nothing, and it's, it's, it's. I'm very happy that somebody is having these sort of conversations and and opening the door to it.

Cary Jacobson:

Well, I appreciate that and I'm hopeful that we can help someone who may be going through that same type of experience. Now. Can you share a little bit about your story with our listeners? And you know, really, what was the moment. You knew you had to walk away.

Jeff Kolez:

Absolutely. If I make a face here, there's a little kitten around my ankles and she just tried climbing my legs. So yeah, my divorce was such a miserable thing. Um, like I said, it was about 15 years ago at this point and, um, I, I didn't, I I didn't think going into it there was anything to even fight about. It just seemed like it would be very cut and dry, black and white, cut everything in half, and then we'd go on our way. We didn't even have that much stuff and it lasted seven years. Two rounds in the court um cost me a hundred thousand dollars.

Jeff Kolez:

Um, and I came out of it just bewildered, angry. Um, I didn't have a sense of who I was anymore. I didn't have, I didn't trust who, the people who were in my life after that. And I had a new relationship and you know, a lot of the old stuff from the previous marriage came forward with that and I didn't realize how much baggage came with it. So a lot of the fight was just over time with the kids and I was accused of being a bad father, of being abusive in my marriage, and looking back now it just seems like it was about me and not. It was about money and not, you know, anything substantial beyond that. I don't know how I could have not gone through that. I look back and it just seemed like something I had to go through. And I barely speak with my ex at this point. We have a civil relationship, but not much beyond that, and it's just. It's sad to go from a place where your, your wife, is your best friend to your greatest enemy.

Cary Jacobson:

Yeah, I'm sure that that was really difficult and it sounds like it it took a lot out of everyone in that process. You've described your go ahead.

Jeff Kolez:

A hundred percent. I'm just agreeing with you A hundred percent. And I know it took a lot out of the kids and and I have two boys and I know they bounce back and forth we had this really weird schedule and I know it took a toll on them but I know they they love both of us and they just wanted to see peace.

Cary Jacobson:

Right, yeah, and that's often so much. What the kids want, right, is to to have peace between their parents, um, so that they're not feeling like necessarily in the middle of that.

Jeff Kolez:

A hundred percent 100%.

Cary Jacobson:

You've described your divorce as a soul wound. What did that feel like for you in the early days?

Jeff Kolez:

Just discombobulation, I didn't know which way was up. Like I just like again, I just thought the divorce was going to be splitting the goods and moving on. But it went much, much deeper than that. Um, I lost friends of 10, 15 years because they didn't they, they said they didn't want to side with anybody, and and um, and it was it. It impacted me in every area of life. It impacted my relationships, it impacted my ability to make money, to hold on to money, to physically like I had a hard time sleeping.

Jeff Kolez:

So I consider, when you look at all of that, that is the soul expressing itself in the physical world. So, going down to that level, it was like I don't know who I am. So how do I move forward from there? I thought I did everything right, I followed the instructions on the packet. I thought I did everything right, I followed the instructions on the packet, and then I found out I had a cake that didn't rise, to torture that metaphor a little bit. And then what do you do when you follow the instructions on the packet and it doesn't work, what do you do at that point? So I looked really deep in myself and I had to figure out what I was doing wrong in order to rebuild that life. So what it felt like was almost like being underwater and not sure which way is up, not sure which way to swim to work towards air.

Cary Jacobson:

Yeah, did you have a professional team that you worked with throughout the divorce process?

Jeff Kolez:

I had. Well, I had lawyers. I went through two sets of lawyers. I went through, we tried to do mediation. It could have been very simple with mediation. I guess we decided not to go that way. So, yeah, uh, mediation, and then it went to lawyers. Um, while I was in that process, I was like emotionally burned out. So I started working with somebody who who helps with the emotions. Um, so I had you know that coach, I had lawyers. I think that's probably it.

Jeff Kolez:

Oh and I heard somebody to work with me physically so that I, you know, took that energy out at the gym rather than having it at home all the time having it at home all the time, right?

Cary Jacobson:

Well, it sounds like you, you know, had the support of a good network of professionals, kind of throughout the process, depending on kind of where you were in that process. Jeff, I'm curious, what made you realize that logic was not going to fix the pain that you were experiencing through this process?

Jeff Kolez:

Like I was saying the question before, a soul wound is not fixed by logic. A divorce is such an emotional battleground. It's it's all of a sudden. It's two people who used to love each other who don't, and they know each other's vulnerabilities. And in a divorce in my divorce anyway I guess I can't speak in too many generalities the person who reacts last is the one who always gets penalized. So my I I don't want to accuse her too much, but my ex would provoke me and I would react and then she would go look he's, you know he's reacting.

Jeff Kolez:

So going through the process, those emotions were used against me and I was trying to apply logic like, look, I paid for half of the house, so I should get for half the money, whereas she was coming from the angle of look, he is reacting emotionally. So I found I had to be centered all of the time and if I wasn't, I found my ex would use that against me, those emotional reactions, and the court picked up on that. And the court picked up on that. And that's what the court looked at is when I was, when I would be, when I would react emotionally. No, there was nothing like really bad. But you know, when somebody accuses you of being a bad father or, you know, tells your friends that it was an abusive relationship when it wasn't, you react like you're. You're angry. So, um, um, the logic is't help you there, because emotions aren't a logic. That's what I'm trying to say.

Cary Jacobson:

Right, absolutely. And you know, I think people miss the fact that the divorce process is so emotional and we have to like make sure that we pay attention to that so that we approach issues in a more logical way by taking those emotions out to the extent that that's possible. But I understand that. You know, sometimes it is common for someone to push those buttons because they know which buttons to push, looking for a reason, so that they can capitalize on that.

Jeff Kolez:

A hundred percent. And I imagine that aligns with the type of lawyer you get. And I imagine that aligns with the type of lawyer you get. And I imagine there are different types of lawyers. Some try to be collaborative, some try to be combative.

Cary Jacobson:

Right.

Jeff Kolez:

And I think my ex hired a very combative lawyer to push those, to try to push those buttons as much as possible. And what a damaging process it is. Like, do you really want to destroy the, the parent of the other parent of your kids? Like does that, does that make any sense for a couple of hundred bucks a month? Like that, that doesn't seem. That never made. That never sat right with me.

Cary Jacobson:

That doesn't seem that never sat right with me and I 100% agree that it does often depend on the type of lawyer you get or that you decide to work with, because most of the time the lawyer is the one kind of driving the process and giving the advice on how to handle certain things and my experience in being an attorney and doing this work, I've had many situations where the client didn't even know what the attorney was doing and isn't always kind of behind that in requesting that those acts being taken. It's just how the attorney approaches certain cases and unfortunately not that it has happened with all attorneys, but in many situations they are doing it until they, you know, until the well runs dry and can, you know, resolve the case and get out or get out of the case. So now I know that you have, you know, after your divorce that you've been kind of working in with other individuals and helping them with recovering from force, and I'd love for you to share your five-step process with us about how to recover.

Jeff Kolez:

Yes, I'm happy to do that. This is a process I kind of developed over a few years. I didn't have it going into it. I didn't work with somebody who specifically helped with the emotional recovery through a divorce. But before I start talking about the five processes, there's really three things that you need to bring into this as somebody who's looking to recover. And that's number one curiosity. And what I mean by that is the ability to ask why of yourself and there's some really hard questions you need to look at when you're dealing with the emotions of a divorce, and especially something that runs so deep With myself.

Jeff Kolez:

Why did I attract a partner who was so challenging through the marriage and the divorce? Number two courage. You need real strength to look inside of yourself. You're going to be like that process of being upside down in the water and not knowing which way to swim. There were days I did not want to get out of bed. I was depressed, I was heartbroken, and when you're in that place you need to keep taking steps forward to get out of it. And number three determination that grit to keep going forward. It's so easy to give up and just numb out. There were when I was going through this I got, I went through antidepressants, I had a marijuana prescription and it was just so easy to numb out. But that's not going to move you forward. All you're going to do is stay in the same place. So the five steps this is the five steps.

Jeff Kolez:

Number one build out boundaries. I call it the outer gate. So keep your ex at arm's length. You would be amazed at how many men are still going over to their ex's house fixing gutters, um, hanging out, you know, um having dinners, sleeping with their exes, you know, being that emotional, um, uh, being there emotionally for her. You really can't do that. You have to make that hard separation. So the first step is just building that distance. Number two is starting to recognize the patterns. That oh and sorry. One more point about the gate is setting those boundaries.

Jeff Kolez:

One of the tips I suggest is using something called Greyrock, and sometimes your ex will try to push your buttons, but you've got to not show. Not show her that or him that. That reaction is that they're getting a reaction when they push their, when they push your buttons. So there's a technique called gray rocking, where you, she, says something provocative and you just go okay, or you don't react to it and you just go okay, or you don't react to it. And that is one of the hardest parts is is not reacting when somebody calls you a bad father, a bad husband, whatever it might be. It's called gray rocking because just imagine a pebble on the beach. None of them are any more interesting than the other. Okay, so you set your boundaries. Then you have to start noticing the the, the other. Okay, so you set your boundaries. Then you have to start noticing the patterns. So if you are reacting to your ex calling you a bad father, well, why are you having that reaction? What's going on underneath If you feel depressed every day at a certain time? What's going on when that's happening? So you're recognizing those emotional triggers and their signals. They're not I wouldn't look at them as something negative, but just what those triggers are.

Jeff Kolez:

The next thing is you develop that, that conversation with yourself, and I call it the conversation with the heart. How do I make sure this doesn't happen again Somewhere along your life? Your intuition guided you into this place. Why did it guide you there and how do you make sure it never happens again? So how did I get here? And then from there, you really start to take responsibility for your story and your life. How did I get here? How do I make sure it didn't happen again Before that? It can feel really like you're being tossed from one side to the other. You're running from what feels bad to what feels good. But if you really answer that question, how did I end up here? You're really taking ownership of the next step.

Jeff Kolez:

The step after that is reconnecting with your heart, learning to trust that intuition, and sometimes I still get stuck here. My intuition tells me one thing and I did the opposite. So you're from this place. You're working on those old beliefs. A lot of the time they're carried from childhood the being unseen, unheard, the being unseen, unheard, unworthy and they're those old wounds that every, every single one of us carry. And if you don't heal it at this point, you're going to carry that into your next relationship, or you already have and you're noticing that those patterns are still there. This from from here, it's really about learning to be grateful for whatever your divorce taught you, and I know that sounds really hard when you're going through the divorce. But if you can really learn to um, find what that divorce taught you, you'll. You'll be really you'll. You'll come out of it ahead. So for mine, I was never taught how to have a healthy relationship, so I was always trying to fix my partners. When I recognized that pattern, I realized that I didn't have to be somebody who fixes somebody else.

Jeff Kolez:

The last step is what I call the forge. So you're building out your new life, you're bringing on new relationships, but you're doing it from a place where you're listening, almost through those scars that you've healed. It's better to move forward with scars rather than the wounds. If you're leading with scars, that's wisdom. You're leading from.

Jeff Kolez:

This relationship didn't work in the past because of this and you go, oh okay, well, I'll try this other thing, and that's real wisdom and that's what I think you can pass down to your kids. For some reason well, in my example, I wasn't given a lot of wisdom around how to have a relationship, so I was figuring that out on my own, and so once I had that bad relationship, I was able to take my own wisdom, listen to my own intuition and really move forward with that Like listen to myself and from there you really build trust with yourself. Maybe you didn't have that trust before, that trust to listen to your relation, your, your, your intuition. But once you've been through the ringer, you learn to trust that. So that's the five steps.

Cary Jacobson:

I appreciate that. Thank you. That's helpful for anyone who is coming out of a divorce process and looking to kind of rebuild and hopefully improve their relationships going forward. I would love for you to share how your life has changed since going through that process and now that you've gone through those five steps.

Jeff Kolez:

I've had a relationship, for I've been in a relationship for coming up on 13 years and it. You know, we've had our challenges. But going through those five steps, we work on it together, we go and it's. We work on it together and we go. You know, this is our wound showing up. How do we not live from this wound and and and how do we decide that we want to be together? You know, and even even the question of do we want to be together comes up still not still, but it has come up in the past and we've been able to work through it. It's a very deep relationship. We know each other very, very intimately and deeply. We've been together longer than I was in my marriage. She also went through a divorce. So you know, we both came with with our wounds, but we're not leading from those wounds anymore.

Jeff Kolez:

I have a wonderful relationship with my kids. It's very intimate as well. They share what they want to share, but it's their lives. They both went through relationship troubles of their own, um, and they were able to come to me and say, hey, how do I get out of this? How do I? How do I, how do I make sure this doesn't happen again, um, and you know, you know they're navigating that and learning to live their lives and learning how to have relationships. I've really tried to pass down as much wisdom as I could about how to have those positive kind of relationships. One of the things that really decides I'm speaking specifically about men here how successful a man is in his life is the partner he chooses. So I think it's really it's super important for for um parents to really talk about um, how to have that really positive kind of relationship.

Cary Jacobson:

That's. I'm sure that you know. Your kids have gone through this. They are obviously impacted as well, and so helping them learn how to have those positive relationships is super helpful. Relationships is super helpful. If you could go back and speak to the version of yourself, you know, at the beginning of the divorce process, is there anything that you would say to that person that may have potentially and I know that some of it is out of their control because you can't control how the other partner kind of approaches the process Is there anything that you would tell that earlier version of yourself?

Jeff Kolez:

I don't know. I would have listened, I was pretty stubborn, and maybe that stubbornness was necessary, I don't know. But I would have said do your best and then let go of the results. Don't know, but I would have said do your best and then let go of the results. Um, the, everything I fought for I did not get, everything I allowed to happen happened in my favor. So, um, you know, do your best, make sure that things that are important are taken care of. Have your time with the kids. Um, as a father, it is so important to be in your kids lives, um, and and so do your best with that. Everything else is out of your control. So, um, um, you can't sweat. You can't fight against what isn't in your control. You're just going to exhaust yourself trying to swim upstream against the rapids. So that would be the advice I would give myself Focus on rebuilding your life rather than fighting for what's what's already lost, what's already lost, Got it Well.

Cary Jacobson:

That's very insightful and I appreciate that advice for anybody who may be going through this journey now for the first time. So thank you so much for your vulnerability and strength and sharing your story. Your story reminds me that you know, a divorce is not the end of the story, but just the end of a chapter. And so, for all of those who are listening, Jeff, can you share how people can find you if they are interested in learning more about you and your services?

Jeff Kolez:

Absolutely Divorce-daddy. com. I have some services there. I work one-on-one and I've got some group coaching as well.

Cary Jacobson:

Wonderful. Thank you so much and for those listening. If you're looking for more tools to support your divorce journey, visit our stand store. The link will be in our show notes for practical link resources. Be sure to check out our website at jacobsonfamilylaw. com to learn more about the divorce process and mediation in Maryland, and be sure to subscribe to Divorce Diaries, lessons from the Trenches, where we bring you real conversations with people who've been through it and come out on the other side stronger. I'm your host, Cary Jacobson, and until next time, take care.

Intro/Close:

Thanks for joining us today on this episode of Divorce Diaries. Remember every journey is unique, but you don't have to navigate it alone. Visit jacobsonfamilylaw. com or call 443-726-4912 for support and guidance.