Divorce Diaries: Lessons From the Trenches
Welcome to Divorce Diaries, where host Cary Jacobson, attorney and mediator brings you real stories, hard truths, and practical advice on navigating divorce and family law. Whether you're going through it, considering it, or just curious, this is your place for clarity, confidence, and resilience.
Divorce Diaries: Lessons From the Trenches
EP #28: From Court Battles to Peaceful Mediation with Guest Azizah Ahmad, Esq.
What happens when you realize the courtroom isn’t the only path to divorce? In this episode, attorney and mediator Cary Jacobson sits down with Azizah Ahmad, Esq., whose personal four-year battle in family court transformed how she now helps others navigate divorce. Azizah shares her story of moving from high-conflict litigation to out-of-court mediation — and how choosing dignity and collaboration can lead to healthier co-parenting, lower costs, and lasting peace.
Whether you’re considering divorce, already in the process, or simply exploring your options, this conversation offers hope, practical insight, and a powerful reminder: you have more control than you think. Learn more about Azizah and her services here.
Visit jacobsonworkshop.com to learn more.
And I just thought that it had to be that way. I never knew that we could have worked with someone out on court. And again, since we really didn't have much property, we didn't have really much we got married at 24. I just didn't know. I just didn't know, and also I didn't know that sometimes, just how I was playing chess when I was writing those appellate briefs, my first attorney was playing chess with me. You know, we're going to ask for this, so then he'll give that, and we're going to ask for this and that, and so then his side is fighting back and again we're just like wait, whoa.
Intro/Close:Welcome to Divorce Diaries, where attorney Cary Jacobson brings you real stories, hard truths and practical advice on navigating divorce and family law. Whether you're going through it, considering it or just curious, this is your place for clarity, confidence and resilience.
Cary Jacobson:Welcome back to Divorce Diaries Lessons from the Trenches, the podcast where we explore real stories, insights and tools for navigating divorce with clarity and compassion. I'm your host, Cary Jacobson attorney, mediator and advocate for out-of-court resolutions, and today's episode is for anyone who is tired of the war stories and really there to ready to hear from a different kind of narrative, one centered around peace, dignity and true transformation. I am so honored to have Azizah Ahmad to the podcast. Azizah is a graduate of Howard University School of Law with a strong background in education, advocacy and conflict resolution, but, more importantly, she is someone who has lived this story herself. After an enduring four devastating years in family court during her own divorce, Azizah made a powerful decision to shift away from litigation and move towards peaceful mediation. She now helps others navigate divorce with dignity, offering legal insight grounded in emotional intelligence and personal experience.
Azizah Ahmad:Thank you so much for being here today. Oh, thank you for having me. It's my pleasure. Let me just get my screen together. It's my absolute pleasure. Thank you so much. What a nice opening too.
Cary Jacobson:Absolutely so. I know I kind of gave a snippet of your personal journey, but can you share with our listeners a little bit about your personal journey, how you went from litigation and what you were, what type of law you were litigating and now what you're?
Azizah Ahmad:doing so. I graduated from Howard Law as a wife and a mother. I graduated actually pregnant with my first son and I knew that I wanted to primarily focus on just motherhood for the first couple years before entering into the field. But I was fortunate to land on a really wonderful job where I wrote appellate briefs for a family law attorney. And it was kind of like chess, these weren't my people, these weren't my children, these weren't my life. So it was kind of like chess, these weren't my people, these weren't my children, these weren't my lives. So it was kind of like chess, I, I, I enjoyed it, but I didn't have a personal connection to it. It was like a job for me. Um, I gave it my best, but it wasn't until it was my turn that I really realized, like, how aggressive the system is, how, how, how devastating it can be to families and how it doesn't it doesn't promote peaceful resolution.
Azizah Ahmad:And I entered into the California courts with my divorce after a 10 year you know long-term marriage, and I thought, okay, we don't have much. We got married pretty young but the biggest valuable thing we had was some children. We'd already sold our home. I thought I'd be in and out. Unfortunately, I chose an attorney who wanted to be very aggressive. He asked for full custody, which shook my ex-husband and made him come back for me stronger, and he hired a law firm. So I have my lawyer, he has his law firm and we're in court and we're battling and I don't even understand why. But no, there's the first trial, then there is a continuous, then there's a next trial and there's a continuous, then there's like five minutes of mediation with a mediator that literally spends maybe literally like maybe 15 minutes hearing my story and makes judge recommendations not based on the continued story or the full reality or the full picture.
Azizah Ahmad:And literally I spent four years of my life worried about being served and just stressed out, and it affected how I was able to parent my children, it affected how I, it affected my sleep, it affected, like my, my career and in the end we were in family court. Our children were in the family court daycare Great feeling to have your children in family court daycare while you're in court. And I looked around and I said the bailiff's being paid, the judge is getting paid, the stenographer's getting paid, everyone's getting paid, but us and we're the ones that have these three children that we have to take care of, and I just decided. I said, if I could get through this in one piece, I want to focus on helping others not have to go through this.
Azizah Ahmad:And fortunately I did and we my ex-husband and I we finally walked away from family court and we ended up making an agreement on our own with a mediator outside of court, and we've been fine ever since. We've been fine ever since. We spent four years literally battling and paying everybody and in the end, we were able to use our common sense and our shared love for our children to walk away, create a marital settlement agreement, give the judge what we wanted to have for our family and move forward Move forward peacefully and gracefully. And I'm so grateful and I just again, I have devoted my life in helping others not have to go through this. So any more questions.
Cary Jacobson:I don't want to just get away. Well, no, I love. I mean I'm very sorry that you had to experience that, because you know as an attorney that's what I saw on a regular basis and you know in the family court system that how terrible the litigation process was, and I too recognize that there had to be a better way. I think part of the challenge and this was going to be part of my question part of the challenge is people not knowing that there is an alternative option as far as a process to begin with. So what I'm curious for you is did you have any idea, even as an attorney yourself, even as an attorney yourself, that you didn't necessarily have to start with the litigation process first and that you had alternative options to start?
Azizah Ahmad:No, I thought I had to get an attorney, I had to find someone to serve him. You know, I was not in the best place. I was like who's going to serve them? And I just thought that it had to be that way. I never knew that we could have worked with someone out on court. And again, since we really didn't have much property, we didn't have really much we got married at 24. I just didn't know. I just didn't know, and also I didn't know that sometimes, just how I was playing chess when I was writing those appellate briefs, my first attorney was playing chess with me. You know, they're gonna go, we're gonna ask for this, so then he'll give that, and we're gonna ask for this and that, and so then his side is fighting back and again we're just like wait, whoa, whoa, okay, I guess what? Wait? So no, I didn't know that and, um, I think a lot of people don't.
Cary Jacobson:So yeah, yeah, a hundred percent agree. And if someone who's in the field right, who you at least were tangentially connected to the family law world, if? If you didn't know, then why would we expect other people to know that there are alternative options? And so you know? That's really one of the reasons I want to do this podcast, one of the reasons I do what we do, which is try to educate people as much as possible, that you don't have to start there, because, just as you described, oftentimes it's the other people in the process that are driving the driving it, and it's not the people who are, you know, the participants. It wasn't you, it wasn't your husband making those decisions to do this, it was your attorneys.
Azizah Ahmad:Exactly. It was not us. We were not the ones in the driver's seat, though it was our lives and the lives of our children that were being affected, and that's never a good place to be. You never want to give up that much of your power and your autonomy to someone else. That again sees you more as a chess piece than a human being.
Cary Jacobson:Yeah, now you mentioned that you were in family court but you ended up settling in mediation. How did that? How did that work? Did the judge make a final determination and then you guys changed it, or did you kind of stop the process before it got that far?
Azizah Ahmad:really that day when we put the kids in court daycare and we were walking out and paying our expensive I mean just everything was expensive, like even the parking lot was expensive and we both were like we're not doing this anymore.
Azizah Ahmad:It wasn't really a real, let's say, organized agreement, but we decided we're just not, we're not going back, and from there we were able to find mediators and also, just you know, as a law graduate, a lot of my peers supported me once they found out what was going on, and from there we were able to see like, ok, oh, we do have more autonomy than we thought. We can tell the judge what we want for our family and be done with this. And that's what we've done over the past few years. We've been able to stay out of court with all of our issues and it's just been a much happier life. But it really was more so like a I guess I'd say aha moment. Just like we're just not, we're not coming back here, we're not paying for parking fees, we're not putting our kids in care, we're just not doing this anymore. Yeah.
Cary Jacobson:Yeah. So tell me now how now you help others stay out of that same situation.
Azizah Ahmad:Well, I joined a powerful network of mediators and attorneys called Divorce with Dignity and actually my practice is out of Maryland, in the Montgomery County and Howard County areas. It's the area I love dearly. It's where I first started my legal career, so I wanted to kind of start there and what I do is give couples the option to mediate. I do document preparation, I just my. I guess my skill is like I don't want you to step foot in court. Work with me. I'm trained, I'm skilled. I have several certifications in mediation.
Azizah Ahmad:I've been practicing for over gosh. I graduated in 07. It goes by fast. Let me help you. I have all the same software that the judges have. I can help you divide your assets. I can help with the retirement.
Azizah Ahmad:All the things that the judges can do I can do on my own and it could be a personalized process with someone that actually cares Like I, the only care to take on clients that I know that I can support. It's a niche practice so I don't have to. You know, sometimes it's not a good fit and that's okay. I could refer out, but when it is a good fit I'm able to just give my all and in helping it from from A to B and I see that when this happens it not only makes the process easier, it makes moving forward easier. Right, and that's what I think I'm most passionate about is like, okay, now, as you all move forward as a family, that looks different now because families come in different shapes and sizes. It could be amicably, you know, it could be with the dignity that you deserve, versus feeling like you survived World War Three and just you know. So that's, I guess, what I love the most is that I'm able to help people go from a place of maybe anger, confusion, to a place of empowerment. You really do feel more empowered when you are the one writing and choosing and developing your script for life moving forward.
Azizah Ahmad:So I kind of call myself a divorce doula. I help you into the next phase of your life and I really enjoy the work. I'm really happy. I hate how it had to come about, but I'm very happy to be doing the work with Divorce, with Dignity actually too, because it's so many attorneys that if I do have a question, we're a network. So I practice on my own but I have a whole network of other attorneys that I can ask questions to or hey, how do you do this of other attorneys that I can ask questions to, or hey, how do you do this? Or who do you use for quadro? Or will you do this and it's? It's just been wonderful, it's just been a wonderful opportunity and a wonderful fit for me.
Cary Jacobson:That's wonderful. Who are your ideal clients? Who are the ones that are a good fit for mediation and trying to resolve their their issues amicably?
Azizah Ahmad:My ideal client are people that understand mostly. Well, my biggest, I guess, sticking point is they understand that this is gonna be a less costly situation. So those that want to keep their costs down. Two, of course, those that are willing to work together and understand that things. It's sometimes it's prickly like a cactus, sometimes they go through the layers and things like that. Everyone has to be best of friends, but they recognize that working with a mediator is still a better concept than going in front of a judge, right, um, so once. One, that they understand that they're going to save money. Two, they're open and willing to work together towards a resolution A lot of times when children are involved.
Azizah Ahmad:That seems to be a big reason why people choose me. They want to make the best choices for their children and make the best schedules for their children, for their children, and make the best schedules for their children. And also, just, um, yeah, just someone that's willing to trust um, trust my skill set and um be willing to work with me and just give their all. So, yeah, so cost effective um, willing to work together. Again, a lot of times, the children, as a big point. That's my, my own shout. We keep it real, you know we keep it real um so um.
Azizah Ahmad:Those are most of the things, though, too. So, yeah, couples that want to, um, keep their costs down, um, keep their uh, all of their negativity and all of the conflict down and want to. Oftentimes I do work with couples without children also, but a lot of times too, children being the ones making the biggest decisions is a big, is a big sticking point also.
Cary Jacobson:Yeah, I find that as well. People who want to have that healthy co-parenting relationship post divorce Exactly, that's a great way to put it Exactly, what do you find to be some of the most common misconceptions about either mediation or amicable divorce in general?
Azizah Ahmad:A lot of times. A lot of times my clients are afraid that he who barks, he or she or she who barks the loudest will be heard the most. A lot of times they're concerned that the advocacy might not be fair due to one maybe being a little more charismatic or getting a little louder. And the thing is, I listen for what's unsaid. Sometimes, when you're trained as a mediator, there's several different routes that you can go, and I'm able to have breakout spaces and things and I'm able to hear both voices. So I guess the biggest concern is will my voice be heard? You know, will my voice be heard? And I really try to explain that, yes, I will hear both of your voices. That's my goal, that's my job, you know, and that's what I want to do. So that too, yeah, bias will I be biased towards one at one side to also oh, is this really going to hold in court?
Cary Jacobson:Am I going to?
Azizah Ahmad:end up in court anyway, okay. Also, is this binding? Family law, as we always know is is is very flex. Nothing is. It's binding until you don't want it to be anymore, and that's one thing that I'm like spain like, if we need to come back in two or three years and change something about a custody agreement, we can do that, but right now, let's make a solid agreement and have it um filed. So a lot of times people are worried that they might create an agreement now that doesn't suit them later in life, later down the line. That's also an issue that I see sometimes, and I hope most times I'm able to, you know, hopefully make them feel more comfortable about those issues.
Cary Jacobson:Right yeah, how do you help people who may be moving from? You know are more on the high conflict side but through the mediation process, how do you help them become more resolution based?
Azizah Ahmad:I find the best thing I can do is make people feel empowered, and this is this is this is your story, this is your life, these are the agreements that you're making, moving forward, and that's what I find the best, and that might sound overly simplified, though, but really it is really just explaining that you can either give your power to someone else, and they might fight really hard, but no one knows you and your situation and your family like you do. So the best person to create these agreements and to resolve these solutions, to resolve these conflicting areas, are you, and if it takes a little time, it takes a little time. Of course, no one wants to be mediating for forever, just like I did for four years, though, too, but if we need to take a little break and let things calm down, that's OK. That's okay, I'm here for you, and if we need again, there are times I'm like okay, let's meet again next week. This is a good place to stop right here. So it really is also, I guess, just measuring the temperature and just really just filling the room.
Azizah Ahmad:It's so many innate traits, I feel, that, that come out that I'm able to use, so that that's kind of how I do with high conflict situations and, quite honestly, sometimes, most times I'm able to work through it. But there are times I'm like, okay, you know, let's, let's refer you out. I you know, I appreciate you both coming and working your hardest, but maybe this isn't the best situation for you, and fortunately that's not often. But that's the good thing about it. If that is the truth, that's the truth and I can just do that. What's?
Cary Jacobson:one thing that you wish people knew before they stepped into the divorce process.
Azizah Ahmad:It's a very good question. Even when both parties are in agreement that this is the best step moving forward, it's still a process that's going to include emotions, sometimes high emotions. It's still a process, even when both parties do agree to work together. There might be some animosity of how they got there or where they're going, and so just really understanding that no matter. It's never going to just be about filing a paper or filing a document, about filing a paper or filing a document. This is a very human experience and, as big as AI is becoming and I can do it on my own there's a human aspect of divorce that you can never go around, and I think that's why it's so important to work with someone that understands that and that wants to help you move forward with that.
Cary Jacobson:A hundred percent agree. Thank you for that. So, aziza, thank you for being here and for being such a powerful example of what it takes, what it means, to rise from the personal pain and to create meaningful change for others. I love that you know, even though it came out of a negative place, that you are helping others from having to go through that same experience.
Azizah Ahmad:Oh, thank you so much for having me on and I admire the work that you do and just thank you so much. You know, maybe you're helping families resolve their conflicts and get the other side. You know, with moving forward and helping families resolve their conflicts and get to the other side, you know, with grace and dignity.
Cary Jacobson:Absolutely. How can our listeners find more about you and your services?
Azizah Ahmad:I am Azizah Ahmad, Esquire. I am located at Dwdignity. com, there are a list of different practitioners and if you go to Maryland, press Maryland, I am there with my full profile and I'd love to help you and if not, one of my fellow practitioners would love to help you. So, dwdignity. com, I'm Azizah Ahmad Esquire on there.
Cary Jacobson:Awesome, thank you so much, and for our listeners, please be sure to follow Divorce Diaries Lessons from the Trenches for more empowering conversations just like this one. Until next time, take care, and we look forward to seeing you Take care.
Intro/Close:Remember, every journey is unique, but you don't have to navigate it alone. Visit JacobsonFamilyLaw. com or call 443-726-4912 for support and guidance.