Divorce Diaries: Lessons From the Trenches

EP #30: Beyond the Battlefield: Divorce Mediation Explained

• Cary Jacobson, Esq. • Episode 30

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Forget everything you thought you knew about divorce. The battlefield metaphor? The years of expensive court battles? The permanent damage to family relationships? None of that is inevitable. Family law attorney and mediator Cary Jacobson pulls back the curtain on divorce mediation—a powerful alternative that's transforming how couples navigate separation.

Preparing for successful mediation means gathering financial documentation, clarifying priorities, and approaching the process with an open mind. To help listeners feel more confident and organized, Jacobson has created a comprehensive guide with checklists, worksheets, budgeting tools, and sample custody schedules—available free at stan.store/jacobsonfamilylaw. Ready to explore whether mediation could work for your situation? Visit jacobsonfamilylaw.com to schedule a consultation and discover how you might separate with dignity, protect your children, and move forward with less damage than you ever thought possible.

Visit jacobsonworkshop.com to learn more.

Cary Jacobson:

where I think it can be challenging for mediation to work is if one spouse is simply looking to spite the other you know they're out for revenge or something along those lines or if there's a major power imbalance. You know one spouse who simply doesn't have as much information and doesn't have that support team that is standing behind them in the background.

Intro/Close:

Welcome to Divorce Diaries, where attorney Cary Jacobson brings you real stories, hard truths and practical advice on navigating divorce and family law. Whether you're going through it, considering it or just curious, this is your place for clarity, confidence and resilience.

Charlie McDermott:

Welcome back to Divorce Diaries: Letters from the Trenches. Today's episode is a little different. As you can see or hear, our guest had an emergency, so I get to interview our host, Cary Jacobson. Family law attorney and mediator. Jacobson Family Law, Cary, first off, how are you doing?

Cary Jacobson:

I'm doing well. I hope you are as well.

Charlie McDermott:

I am, I'm doing terrific and I get to play, so this is great. This is great. How about we talk about mediation? That?

Cary Jacobson:

would be great.

Charlie McDermott:

All right, so let's start with the basics. What is divorce mediation?

Cary Jacobson:

Divorce mediation is simply a process where a neutral third party, such as myself, works with couples to help them resolve their differences related to any issues that may arise out of their divorce matter. Whether it's custody, property division, financial support, we really touch on all of the issues and I work as a neutral to facilitate the conversation between them so that they can reach a full and final agreement.

Charlie McDermott:

So then, why choose mediation over litigation?

Cary Jacobson:

There are so many reasons to choose mediation over litigation. Some of them are practical. Mediation is private. You're not going to be in a courtroom, you know, spilling all of your public information to everyone who's watching. It's confidential, so the things that are said in mediation are not going to be released to anyone else. You know you get to have a frank conversation with your spouse on what needs to be dealt with and the reasons behind that. It's also really working on focusing on solutions. You know, when we're in court it's looking at all of the terrible things that happened that got us to where they are. Mediation really shifts that focus from not what happened, but this is where we are now and what are we going to do going forward. So it's creating solutions that hopefully will help them be better co-parents if they have kids less adversarial going forward, parents if they have kids less adversarial going forward. And, honestly, the other big thing is that mediation is much less expensive and is so much faster than the traditional litigation practice.

Charlie McDermott:

Wow, definitely sounds like that's the way to go, but is mediation right for everyone?

Cary Jacobson:

The quick answer is no, though I would say it's. It is right for more people than they may necessarily think. So some people have the misconception that okay, well, my spouse and I already agree. Do we really need mediation? The answer is actually mediation can be a very easy way for you to get your agreement on paper, instead of doing it yourself and doing it wrong or hiring the attorneys to kind of make it more complicated than it needs to be the other times.

Cary Jacobson:

Or the other misconception is my staff and I don't agree on anything and so we can't do mediation. And really that's what mediation is there for. It's so we can try to find those things where you and your spouse may find agreement and being creative and thinking outside the box. Where I think it can be challenging in to for mediation to work is if one spouse is simply looking to spite the other you know they're out for revenge or something along those lines or if there's a major power imbalance you know one spouse who simply doesn't have as much information and doesn't have that support team that is standing behind them in the back room.

Charlie McDermott:

It's a good sense. So, with all your experience in mediation, what benefits have you seen that you can speak to?

Cary Jacobson:

Well, the reason I started focusing on mediation and other out-of-court resolutions is because I saw how detrimental the litigation practice really was to families, even when people didn't necessarily need to be in communication. They simply thought that's where they needed to go. So mediation couples typically leave with less conflict because now we mirror what that communication should look like. They often walk out of mediation with healthier co-parenting relationships which is so important if they have kids of any age, and they truly walk away with a plan that's going to be tailored to their family, instead of a judge, you know, picking something that just doesn't work for them instead of a judge, you know picking something that that just doesn't work for them.

Cary Jacobson:

So then what about, or, or, I guess, how does mediation reduce conflict? Like I said before, we we really shift that focus and look at what is going to happen in the future, so we don't go back and rehash past the great arguments we don't, you know, talk about what really led them to divorce in the right now we're really focusing on. Well, can we set the two of them up going forward so it does reduce conflict, and sometimes that could be creating a communication protocol. It can be. Well, let's talk about how you're going to share calendars, okay. Well, instead of leaving times for transitions up in the air, let's get specific about what each holiday is going to look like, the days and the weeks and times that transitions of the kids are going to take place.

Charlie McDermott:

So we get really focused on all the minutia so it reduces conflict in the future. How about?

Cary Jacobson:

the all-important money and time question. Yeah, so litigation can last years and, unfortunately, on average probably is about anywhere between $30,000 to $60,000 per spouse. Wow, mediation is a fraction of that. Usually, you know, our couples are spending less than $10,000 together and we often are done in as little as one media session.

Charlie McDermott:

So, Cary, can you walk us through the process?

Cary Jacobson:

Absolutely, and it slightly varies depending on each couple and where they are in the process. But really, what we start with is a joint consultation where I get a better sense of what the issues are that the couple needs to address, and then, when we're in our mediation sessions, it's a time for us to gather all of the financial information, the parenting information, how they're going to co-care with one another, what the schedule is going to look like and, going through each of the issues, how they're going to divide property, anything related to, you know, financial support. Once the parties have reached that final agreement, then we actually draft the mediated marital settlement agreement that eventually will be filed with the court in order for the divorce to be finalized, and this process, depending on how complicated their situation is, can take anywhere from two weeks to about six to eight weeks.

Charlie McDermott:

Wow, big difference, big difference. So what role do you play as mediator?

Cary Jacobson:

Yeah, so when I'm working as a mediator, I take off my attorney hat. I'm no longer giving either or any sort of legal advice and I'm not taking sides and I'm not making any judgments between parties. Really, my job is to guide the conversation. Talk about legal concepts so I can talk about, you know, child support in Maryland is calculated or how retirement is divided, the mechanics of that. But ultimately it's up to the parties to decide how they want to arrange that agreement between themselves. And if they need legal advice, that is when I would refer them absolutely out to an attorney that can help them decide, you know, if this agreement is in their best interest.

Charlie McDermott:

Okay, okay, how about Cary, Misconceptions, what, what kinds of misconceptions that people have about that whole, the whole mediation process?

Cary Jacobson:

I think sometimes a lot of people think mediation is kind of giving in or could turn into like a therapy session, and it's really not meant to be that. It's meant to be a structured negotiation where we're focused on the particular issues. We're talking about practical steps that they're going to take and I'm helping them try to reach agreements on these issues that work for them and their families.

Charlie McDermott:

How about a success story that comes to mind, anything that you can share.

Cary Jacobson:

The one that really sticks out is a couple came into mediation and we handle all of our mediations virtually, so they came into a virtual Zoom room and they were really stuck on how they're going to, you know, co-parent their young kids and throughout the mediation sessions we really helped them build a schedule that fit with their kids' routines. You know their kids' personalities and the parents' work schedules and now they are co-parenting with so much less stress and the kids are really thriving through the new schedule.

Charlie McDermott:

Yeah, that's great. So now that we heard the success, it's only bare that I ask the other question so has mediation ever not worked in your experience?

Cary Jacobson:

Fortunately for us, it's pretty rare that we have scenarios where mediation doesn't work, but you know there are some times when, for various reasons, it hasn't. One that really sticks out is that one spouse in the mediation simply wasn't being honest about their finances. And mediation really only works if both parties are transparent and both parties understand what exactly they're working with. You know, it's very common for us to work with a couple where one of the spouses has not been as involved in the finances, so they just have less information, and sometimes part of the process is making sure they understand everything that we're working with and talking about before they actually file ISE agreements.

Charlie McDermott:

Get into some practical tips, Cary. What should people do to prepare for mediation?

Cary Jacobson:

Absolutely so. After that consultation, some of the first things that people should really be doing is first, gathering all of that financial documentation. So if parties don't have all of that available and both parties aren't aware of all of the finances, it's a great time to gather that stuff and also share it with each other, so everybody's on the same page with what the finance is on. Share it with each other, so everybody's on the same page with what the finance is on. The second major tip is to for each spouse to really get clear on their top priorities. You know, versus those things that they would really like to, is it more important that they have quote unquote alimony or child support versus having you know something else that might be that they might enjoy, but it's not necessary? And then the third is really coming into mediation with an open mind and not necessarily having it set exactly the way that they want it. Mindset is a can make a huge difference, and compromise really is part of the mediation process.

Charlie McDermott:

Let's talk about mindset. What mindset leads to success?

Cary Jacobson:

It really is all about flexibility. If you come into mediation thinking you're going to get 100% of exactly what you want, that's not generally practical. 100% of exactly what you want, that's not generally practical. Mediation works best when both parties are willing to compromise to, you know, find a workable solution, and I hope that I can give some tools to help people, you know, find those workable solutions. Part of what I try to do is give other people options, what I've seen other couples do in the past, and it's not that. Maybe it's also providing professional resources where they can get more information or resources, professional guidance.

Charlie McDermott:

Awesome, awesome. So how do you talk to a reluctant spouse about mediation?

Cary Jacobson:

Yeah, so this is very common. You know where one party wants to do mediation, the other one's not necessarily sure that that's the route they want to take. I think it's framing it as a way to protect their kids if they have them, to reduce stress, to also emphasize the fact that this process is going to be much quicker, less expensive and then really gives the other both of them more control over the outcome, as opposed to the alternative of leaving it to a judge to make a decision.

Charlie McDermott:

Good stuff, Barry, and now you've created a tool for people preparing for mediation the step-by-step guide to divorce mediation. Can you share what's inside?

Cary Jacobson:

Yes. So this guide is really to be a practical roadmap. It includes checklists, some worksheets, timelines, budgeting tools, so it's got you know an asset list, a budget tracker. It even gives some sample custody schedules and it's really there to help people feel more organized and less overwhelmed. Before you know, to do this guide during mediation, either before and or during, so that they come into the mediation more confident and prepared.

Charlie McDermott:

Yeah, it sounds like a real, really useful tool. Now listeners can grab a copy right. They just go to stan. store/jacobsonfamilylaw. That's Stan S, as in Sam T, as in Tom A N, as in Nancy store/jacobsonfamilylaw, and we'll have a link in the show notes as well. So to wrap things up here, Cary, what would you say that one piece of advice you'd give to our listeners today?

Cary Jacobson:

I think, first and foremost, is that divorce doesn't have to be a battlefield and that you do not have to file for divorce in court to get the process started. I think so many people think that that is their absolute first step and I'm here to say that that is not your first step. Think that that is their absolute first step, and I'm here to say that that is not your first step. You can actually resolve these issues outside of court first, and mediation is a great way to do that and it really gives both parties the chance to separate with dignity, protect your kids and move forward with less damage.

Charlie McDermott:

How can people connect with you?

Cary Jacobson:

Yeah, the best way to find us is through our website, which is jacobsonfamilylaw. com, and even though we are licensed in Maryland for divorce, we can actually mediate with couples anyway, so you can go onto our website and actually schedule that joint consultation for mediation. You can also find us on social media on TikTok, linkedin and Facebook under Jacobson Family Family Law, and so if you're ready to schedule a consultation, you can find that online.

Charlie McDermott:

Cary, thank you for sharing your insight today and thank you to our listeners for tuning in to Divorce Diaries Lessons from the Trenches. Don't forget to check out the step-by-step mediation guide linked in the show notes. Cary, you have a great day. We'll see you in the next episode.

Cary Jacobson:

You as well.

Intro/Close:

Thanks, Thanks for joining us today on this episode of Divorce Diaries. Remember every journey is unique, but you don't have to navigate it alone. Visit jacobsonfamilylawcom or call 443-726-4912 for support and guidance.