Little People, Big Respect

What if respect wasn't something our children had to earn, but something they deserved from day one? This transformative question sits at the heart of today's conversation about respectful parenting.

Most of us crave respect in our adult relationships—with partners, colleagues, and friends. That feeling of being seen, heard, and valued creates safety and trust. Yet there's often a blind spot when it comes to our smallest family members. Western parenting culture has long positioned adults as fundamentally superior to children, suggesting little ones must be moulded and managed before they deserve our respect. I challenge this assumption by exploring how babies and children, regardless of age, are already whole people with legitimate thoughts, feelings, and preferences.

The beauty of respectful parenting lies in its simplicity. It doesn't require fancy techniques or additional parenting tasks. Instead, it's about bringing mindfulness to everyday moments—how we change nappies, respond to tantrums, or offer choices. When we slow down to narrate care routines, acknowledge big feelings without dismissal, and repair after our inevitable parenting mistakes, we communicate something powerful: you matter, exactly as you are.

This approach isn't permissive parenting in disguise. Boundaries, limits, and guidance remain essential components—delivered with empathy rather than shame. Neuroscience confirms what many parents intuitively feel: children who experience respect develop stronger emotional regulation, healthier relationships, and a more secure sense of self. By prioritising connection before correction, as Dr. Dan Siegel suggests, we create the conditions for genuine cooperation rather than mere compliance.

Whether you're parenting a newborn, navigating toddler tantrums, or guiding a preschooler, I hope this episode inspires you to notice the small moments where respect can transform your relationship. How might shifting your perspective—seeing your child as a whole person from birth—change your parenting today? Share your thoughts or questions, and let's continue building this community of parents committed to raising children through respect.

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Transcript

Introduction to Respectful Parenting

Speaker 0 0:00

Kia ora . I'm Alex from the First Five Years , and you're listening to the Kaputu Podcast Today . In this podcast Small Acts , big Impact we're going to chat about how something as small as just showing respect to our children can make a big difference in how we parent them and how they respond to us . We're talking about respect in a way that's not about how kids should show respect to adults , but what it looks like when we , as parents , show respect to our kids right from day one . This episode is essentially for you if you've got a baby , a toddler , a preschool really any age children and we're going to talk about how respect is a need that we all have from birth , so let's get into it . Let's start with something simple but powerful . Respect is something we all have from birth , so let's get into it . Let's start with something simple but powerful . Respect is something we all want . When someone treats us with respect , whether it's our partner , our boss , a stranger at the cafe we feel safer , we feel valued , we feel like we matter . It's that sense of being seen and heard that builds trust and security in the relationships that we have . And while I think most of us would agree that respect is a basic human need . There really is a common blind spot when it comes to children in the western world , because there's a deep-rooted cultural narrative that parents are somehow superior to children , that children need to be moulded and managed into being good before they can earn our respect . But the truth is babies and toddlers and preschoolers and no matter what age your child is , they are already whole people . They are small , yes , and you know they might not have the words and abilities to navigate the world in the way that we would as adults , but they absolutely have thoughts and feelings and preferences and needs right from the start

Children as Whole People

Speaker 0 1:46

. And when we really take that on board and really understand that our children are whole people right from the get-go , it changes things . This changes how we respond to them and we begin to see that respect isn't something we save for when our children are older and can understand us better . It's something that we offer them from day one . It's a mindset shift and it's really quite powerful . More and more neuroscience and developmental research backs this up . Children thrive when they feel connected , when they are treated like they matter .

Speaker 0 2:16

Being respectful and showing respect in our parenting isn't about being permissive or letting our children run the show or stopping every time that they have a feeling . It's about creating a relationship built on mutual trust , empathy and understanding . When we respond to our children with respect , we are saying I see you , I hear you , I know that you're still growing and I'm here to guide you , not control you . My approach is really inspired by the work of people like Meg DeGerber and Janet Lansbury , whose teaching have helped so many of us rethink how we show up to babies and toddlers especially . They remind us that respectful parenting isn't about doing fancy things . It's about the small moments , the way we touch them , the way we talk to them , include them and respond to their cue . It's how we wipe their nose or change their nappy . It's how we say hello in the cue . It's how we wipe their nose or change their nappy . It's how we say hello in the morning . It's how we slow down and explain what is happening , even if they don't fully have the words to understand or communicate with us just yet .

Speaker 0 3:20

Dan Siegel , whose work I come back to time and time again , talks about the importance of connection before correction . When we prioritize the relationship over controlling , our children are more likely to cooperate , feel safe and build healthy emotional regulation over time . A few years back there was a lady on a news show it might have been Good Morning America or Piers Morgan and she got publicly shamed for suggesting that we could and should ask a baby before changing their nappy . The media just totally mocked her . And it was really interesting because this lady was talking about the why behind asking a baby before changing their nappy . It was a way of building consent and connection with the

Small Moments Matter

Speaker 0 4:00

baby , but the media just totally missed the point . What she was saying was that when we take a moment to involve our children and what's happening to them , we're communicating that they matter , that their body is their own and that we see them as people , not just passengers along this journey . And yet so many people couldn't see that because culturally we've been taught that adults know best that children should be quiet and compliant .

Speaker 0 4:22

You know , respectful parenting challenges that approach . It says , yes , I'm the grown up , but I can still lead with kindness , presence and humility . And that's what we're really talking about today . Not about , you know , perfection , because no one can attain that , but just about presence with our children . Not about control , but about connection . Certainly not about doing more , but it's about being intentional and how we respond to our children , because when we begin with respect , everything flows from there . So let's bring this into kind of like real life situations with your kids , because it's all very good talking about respect and why it's important , but what's the look like at 7am with weep bics flying across the room ? Okay , let's talk about daily care routines to your child so nappy changing or getting dressed or meal times . What we can do here is to slow it all down . Talk to them about what you are doing and also about what is about to happen . I'm going to wipe your face now . The cloth might feel cold . You know , even if your child can't talk yet , they're taking it all in . It's part of saying that this is your experience and I care how you experience it .

Speaker 0 5:35

Now , our children also can have really big feelings . I mean , goodness me , especially if you're parenting a toddler right now , you're probably managing tantrums , meltdowns and just you know the general chaos of toddlers , and so these intense big feelings that they have are like little roller coasters . It's really easy to say to them you're fine , don't be silly , or stop crying , and we end up kind of dismissing our children or shaming them for having those big feelings that don't make sense to us but really make sense to them . So one of the best things we can do is connect with them and and just simply saying oh , I can see you're really frustrated because that block tower fell over or it didn't work out , and you're helping them name and tame their feelings .

Practical Examples in Daily Life

Speaker 0 6:18

So Dan Siegel talks a lot about this in his work name it to tame it . Then we have to listen to our children like it matters .

Speaker 0 6:25

So , even if it's ridiculous things like you know , they want a red cup and not the blue one , but you only have blue cups . We don't agree or give in with our children , but just simply validating oh , you really wanted that red cup . Yeah , I can see why that's frustrating . I only have blue cups . So that's what we're going to use today . Just that short moment of connection and validation and that respect about how you are talking about the experiences helps them to feel seen . We can offer choices when available . You know you won't want to say do you want to get into the car ? Because if you're going somewhere we can do a walk for an hour , but , um , you might ask them do you want to climb into the car yourself or do you want me to lift you in . So this gives them a bit of autonomy and and feeling seen and , you know , being able to navigate that experience themselves . So it's this really little moment that make a big difference with our children . So it is , you know , slowing down in care routines . It's about acknowledging their feelings , it's listening to them and , without kind of ridiculing them or , you know , talking down their experience and offering choices that are appropriate when you can .

Speaker 0 7:38

So we need to be really clear here that being respectful for our children is not letting our children run the show . It's not about avoiding all conflict or being , you know this perfect parent , because it's not doable . Respectful parenting includes boundaries , it includes saying no , it includes consequences , but done in a way that teaches rather than shames our child . So you can absolutely be firm and respectful at the same time . In fact , that's the sweet spot .

Speaker 0 8:03

And when we do lose it with our kids because , let's face it , we're all humans , we're not robots , and sometimes we make mistakes respectful parenting means repairing with our children . Hey , I yelled before . That wasn't okay . I'm here now , on here how that was for you . You didn't deserve that and I'm sorry . So this kind of honesty and respect it builds trust . It models that emotional accountability which we also want to instill . And you know what this can be hard to instill in our own parenting , when perhaps we weren't parented in that way ourselves .

Speaker 0 8:35

So I personally believe that respectful parenting it matters okay , because how our kids are treated in these early years shapes their nervous system , their sense of identity and their

Setting Boundaries Respectfully

Speaker 0 8:45

capacity for relationships down the track . And when kids feel respected , when they know that even when they're falling apart they're still worthy , they learn to respect others and themselves . Because they were treated with respect first , they can go on to respect others . So really I just want to say today that respectful parenting is really powerful and it doesn't take changing lots of different areas in our parenting . It's just being mindful about our small interactions with our kids . So that's it for today . Short and sweet , but hopefully something in there has got you thinking . If you can take one thing away from this podcast today , let it be this Respect in parenting isn't about getting it right all the time . It's about showing up with intention with our kids , even in the messy , wonderful everyday moments with them . Thanks for hanging out with me today . Catch you next time .