I can do it myself! Supporting our child's autonomy in the early years

Autonomy isn't just a fancy concept—it's the foundation of raising children who feel confident, capable, and safe in who they are. This thoughtful exploration delves into why allowing children moments of independence and appropriate risk-taking is crucial for their development.

What happens when we step back instead of jumping in? When we allow the mess, embrace the slowness, and let our children try things for themselves? These seemingly small moments become powerful building blocks for our children's sense of self and their place in the world. Are they people who can make decisions and trust themselves, or are they always waiting to be told what to do?

The episode breaks down five practical approaches parents can implement immediately: offering choices with limits, allowing time for children to try things themselves (even when it's slower), embracing natural consequences, praising the process rather than the outcome, and creating opportunities for safe risk-taking. Each strategy is explained with relatable examples for different age groups, from babies to preschoolers.

For parents who sometimes struggle with letting go, there's a reassuring reminder that supporting autonomy isn't about getting it right all the time—it's about doing what you can when you can, and recognizing those small moments where stepping back might be more valuable than stepping in. After all, we're not raising perfectly obedient children; we're raising humans who will need to think, choose, fall down, and get back up throughout their lives. Join our parenting community at Caboodle if you'd like to continue the conversation about nurturing your child's independence.

Welcome to the Kebudel Parent Podcast—your no-nonsense, fun-filled guide to parenting, straight from the experts who really get kids (and parents too!). 

Brought to you by experienced early childhood educators, we’re here to dish out practical advice, laugh at the messiness of parenting, and share our insider knowledge to help you thrive. From decoding tantrums to sparking your child’s love of learning, we cover it all with a healthy dose of humor and zero judgment.

Why listen? Because parenting doesn’t come with a manual, but it can come with expert-backed insights, a little sass, and a whole lot of support. Let’s navigate this wild ride together—one episode at a time. 

Transcript

Introduction to Autonomy

Speaker 0 0:00

Kia ora . I'm Alex from the First Five Years and you're listening to the Kaboodle Podcast . Today I want to touch on a concept that I've been thinking about a lot lately , not just as a parent though it is a big part of it but as someone who spends a lot of time supporting families and early childhood teachers . There is a concept that keeps coming up in conversations and that is the concept of autonomy , because so often I have conversations with parents and teachers about how we all want our children to grow up feeling confident , capable and safe in who they are . But the thing we need to really understand that this doesn't just happen , and it certainly doesn't happen when we teach our children to be obedient through control and controlling their lives in all aspects . It happens through connection and through letting go just a little bit at the right time . So why really ? Today I want to talk about autonomy and allowing our children to take risks ? Because in the early years , allowing our children moments where they can be autonomous and take risks is a really foundational part of their development and really supports their educational experiences and not only just helps with their skill building , but it shapes the way a child sees themselves and how they see themselves in the world ? Are they someone that can try independently make decisions and trust themselves , or are they always waiting to be told what to do ? I'm not trying to stress anyone out , but I do think sometimes we underestimate just how powerful these moments are with our children , because when we pause instead of jumping in all the time , when we let it take longer , when we allow the mess , we are actually supporting our child's development , their autonomy and their risk-taking . Okay , so what is autonomy really ? Well , simply put , autonomy is a child's developing ability to do things for themselves , to make small choices , to try things out , to take initiative and to feel like they have some say in their world . It is not about being in charge of everything because , let's face it , that would be complete chaos if we let them be in charge of everything , but it is about helping them build trust in their own capabilities in a safe , supported way . So , for example , with babies , we start to see them being autonomous . When they start rolling towards something that they want , or they babble for attention and for toddlers they might say no , I want to do it , and we allow them to do what they want to do .

Speaker 0 2:33

Sometimes , you know , allowing our children to do the things that they want to do in their own way can sometimes be frustrating to observe as a parent , but it's important to kind of let them try and take the lead . So how do we support autonomy in ways that feels doable ? So , number one it's really helpful to offer choices with limits , and this is a really big one , because kids really thrive on having some control in their lives . But too many choices and options can overwhelm their still developing brain . So instead of asking what do you want to wear , where should we go , which can feel too much for them sometimes try offer choices , maybe two choices . Do you want the red jumper or the strappy one ? Would you like an apple or a pear with lunch Choices support agency . It tells a child you have a say , but when we give them just a couple of choices , it's within a safe limit for their development . So for babies , it could be like holding two toys and letting them choose which one they want to play with . With toddlers , it might be asking them to choose what story to read before bed , or maybe whether they want to climb into the car or do they want you to lift them in . For preschoolers , you could ask them to help plan part of the day Should we go to the playground first or should we go to the supermarket first ? And over time , when we allow our children to make choices and decisions , it really helps to reduce power struggles , because they don't feel like everything

Offering Choices with Limits

Speaker 0 3:54

is being done to them , but they are part of the process .

Speaker 0 3:56

Number two allow time for trying , even when it's slower . I get it right In the morning when you're trying to get out the door for work and your child is wrestling to put this show on . It could be so much easier for you to just do it for them , right ? But every time we jump in too quickly we're unintentionally sending the message to them you can't do it and I can do it better . So slowing down , even just for a couple of minutes , can help to build our children's confidence in the situation and their competence . So letting them struggle and persevere and pushing through is a core part of learning . So for babies , this might look like letting them reach for their own food or toys . For toddlers , it could be about giving them time to put their own shoes and socks on or or , I don't know climb the steps by themselves . For preschoolers , maybe it's packing their bag for ECE . So we don't have to do this all the time , but just looking for one or two times in your day where you can slow down with your children can be super helpful .

Speaker 0 4:58

Three natural consequences Well , I'm a big fan of natural consequences because sometimes I think our children learn

Allowing Time for Trying

Speaker 0 5:06

better when they really experience the consequences of their choices . And it can be a hard one , especially if you're someone that likes to prevent every little mishap or struggle for your child . But kids kind of need to bump up against the edges of their choices , and if they refuse a jacket and get cold , that's a teachable moment , right ? If they spill that a cup of water after ignoring you to use two hands , you know they're getting feedback that you know . Maybe mum or dad was onto something . So natural consequences are direct , honest , and they're more effective than sometimes us lecturing them or explaining to them why something should be done in a certain way , because they learn through the experience of their choices , and so for toddlers , it might be realizing that if they don't wear shoes outside they're going to get really cold feet . For preschoolers , maybe it's that they're learning that if they forget their hat they can't play outside when it's sunny . We can still be empathetic and be like wow , it's a shame that your feet are so cold and you can't run . I think your feet would be a lot warmer with shoes on , don't you think ? So we don't have to fix everything for them to learn , and natural consequences are really helpful here .

Speaker 0 6:14

Four , we can praise the process , not the outcome , instead

The Power of Natural Consequences

Speaker 0 6:17

of saying , good job , we can try . You're really stuck with that puzzle . Even when it was really hard , I noticed that you kept trying , even when that was super tricky . We want to build our children's intrinsic motivation and sometimes children need to struggle to feel capable and to enjoy learning and to know that part of learning is kind of pushing through difficulty and to know that part of learning is kind of pushing through difficulty . So giving them feedback about the process and praising the process can really help here . So for babies , maybe that's you celebrate when they're crawling towards something . They'll stand on their own two feet or reach for that toy that they're struggling to reach . For toddlers , maybe you name that effort . You try that zip again and again and it was really hard for you , and then you did it For preschoolers . Maybe you reflect on the process . You really thought hard about how to balance those blocks . It's not about being like fake with the praise . It's about really kind of acknowledging the process and the struggle in their learning , because that means they're more likely to

Praising Process over Outcome

Speaker 0 7:20

try next time .

Speaker 0 7:21

One area that I think is really important is allowing our children to take risks . So number five is creating opportunities for safe risk-taking . Children learn about their bodies , the environment , their own limits by doing so . Risk is quite necessary for their development because risk helps them to understand their own coordination in their bodies , judgment , building their confidence and problem-solving skills . Plus , it really satisfies that natural urge that our children have to explore .

Speaker 0 7:52

And sometimes it can be really hard as a parent to watch our children take risks . But we sometimes have to allow our children to take risks , especially when we know that it's in a safe situation . So for me , I really struggle with my kids going to the skate park . I know there's a lot of risk there , but I also know that it's an appropriate risk for my tweenagers to take , and so sometimes I have to step back and just take a deep breath and allow them to experience pushing themselves to the limits .

Speaker 0 8:25

Now there are situations in

Creating Safe Risk-Taking Opportunities

Speaker 0 8:27

our everyday lives where risk is safe . Maybe it's that your child jumps from the couch onto cushions on the floor , be it as allowing your child to help you in the kitchen and to supervise them cutting banana . You know , all these little risks that you know sometimes might end poorly but on the whole are generally pretty safe . So it's not about obviously putting our children into dangerous situations , because you will know when there's authentic danger , and so I don't suggest taking risk in those moments . But knowing that allowing our children to put themselves out there in situations where you're there and you can supervise when needed , just in case , is helpful because we want to let them try in a safe , supported way you know you're nearby , watching but also trusting that they have the capabilities to reach their goals . We're nurturing the conditions . We're offering the time , the space . We can trust them that they can grow into who they have the potential to be . And this growth takes time and it doesn't happen all at once and it's not always tidy . But with warmth and patience and a willingness to step back sometimes , our children , they'll bloom .

Speaker 0 9:43

I know sometimes allowing our children to have more choice and autonomy in their lives can feel a bit challenging . But a reminder here that supporting autonomy isn't about getting it right all the time . It's about doing what you can when you can . It's about noticing those small moments where you could step in . But maybe choosing not to Parenting isn't always about raising perfectly obedient and perfect children . Right , we're raising humans and our little people will one day be big people who will need to think and choose and fall down and get back up over and over again . So we need to give them micro moments throughout their childhood where we let them try , we let them be messy , we let them take the lead sometimes , and sometimes that feels really hard . If you're curious or feeling stuck or want to unpack this topic more , come and hang out with me in the parenting community at Caboodle . Thanks for hanging out with me today . I'm Alex from the First 5 Years for the Caboodle Podcast . Catch you next time .