Playing Favourites

The moment a child starts insisting on “only Mum” or “only Dad” can upend a home. We dive into the real reasons behind parental preference and unpack why it’s less about rejection and more about predictability and safety. Drawing on our own story of twins who once demanded one parent for every cuddle, settle, and midnight wake, we map the emotions on both sides: the exhaustion of the preferred parent and the sting felt by the sidelined one.

From there, we move into solutions that actually work in busy family life. You’ll hear how to use low-stress swaps to ease new patterns into place, why social stories reduce guesswork for toddlers, and how consistent teamwork between parents helps protests fade over time. We share simple validation lines that cool big feelings, plus a daily ten-minute one-on-one routine for each parent that quietly rebuilds trust and flexibility. It’s practical, gentle, and designed for the 7 pm crunch when theory alone isn’t enough.

Along the way we include poll results from our community, showing how common this phase truly is, and we offer sober, compassionate advice for both roles: how the preferred parent can protect energy by offloading chores, and how the other parent can stay engaged without taking the behaviour personally. The big takeaway is hopeful: preference is a season, not a sentence. With steady boundaries, warm connection, and shared routines, kids expand their circle of safety and both parents find their footing again. If this resonates, subscribe, share it with a friend who needs it today, and leave a quick review to help more families find the show.

Welcome to the Kebudel Parent Podcast—your no-nonsense, fun-filled guide to parenting, straight from the experts who really get kids (and parents too!). 

Brought to you by experienced early childhood educators, we’re here to dish out practical advice, laugh at the messiness of parenting, and share our insider knowledge to help you thrive. From decoding tantrums to sparking your child’s love of learning, we cover it all with a healthy dose of humor and zero judgment.

Why listen? Because parenting doesn’t come with a manual, but it can come with expert-backed insights, a little sass, and a whole lot of support. Let’s navigate this wild ride together—one episode at a time. 

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Kyota and welcome back to the Caboodle Podcast. I'm Alex from the first five years, and today I want to talk about something that has been coming up a lot in conversations and consults that I've been having with parents. And quite honestly, it's given me a big wave of deja vu. We're gonna be talking about parental preference. It's that phase where your little one might suddenly decide that only one parent will do for everything. You know the one where they only want you for bedtime, cuddles, snacks, getting dressed. Maybe it's just for one of those activities, but maybe it's for everything. And recently I have been supporting parents to navigate this interesting and tricky phase. I've been walking alongside them through it, helping them to navigate that tricky mix of exhaustion and guilt and sadness that can come up. Well, really for both parents. And it has sent me spinning back in time. Because wow, have I been there myself. So when my

Setting The Stage: Parental Preference

SPEAKER_00 1:06

twins were about two, we hit this phase, and honestly, it nearly broke me. I already felt like I was carrying most of the parenting load as a stay-at-home mum. And when my boys decided that only mum could do anything, it tipped everything over the edge for me. It was so hard. Overnight it became me for everything nappies, bedtime cuddles, middle of the night wakes, and we were having at that time around six to eight night wakes between the both of them. And my husband, who has always been a really hands-on involved dad, suddenly found himself stuck on the sidelines. His help was not welcome by my twenties. He'd stand watching me struggle and getting frustrated, and you know, he wanted to help. And I could see that he was a little hurt that my kids wouldn't let him help. And then I'd feel guilty because I was frustrated and I was exhausted, and I was kind of sad for him. It was a bit of a mess, actually. And at the time, it honestly felt like it was never going to end. And so because this topic

Personal Story: Twins And Overload

SPEAKER_00 2:11

has come up a few times recently, I got a little curious. I thought, is parental preference something just a handful of families deal with? Or is it actually the majority of us? So I put up a poll on my socials and nothing fancy, just a question, has your child ever gone through a stage of only wanting one parent? So I received 78 votes on this poll. Out of 78 votes, 72 parents said yes. 72. That means only six people voted no. And I got messages from parents. Parents telling me that they were in the depths of this right now, or they were also having flashbacks of when they went through it. Also on my socials, I put up a question box where parents could share their experiences with parental preference. And here's what a few parents had to say. I hated seeing her cry, but I also hated the hurt on his face when it happened. We just went with it and she eventually stopped and was more happy to go with him. And another parent said, yes, so draining. Only I could put

Poll Results: How Common Is It

SPEAKER_00 3:22

him to bed and resettle him from one and a half years old to three years old. Another parent shared, every night, both boys want me to put them to bed. And it is exhausting and it makes my hubby sad. Another parent shared, Dad genuinely feels sad, he can't help, and feels helpless. It's a lot for me as it means I have to do more, especially when dad is trying to console him and he wants me. Reading these comments, you know, like it just takes me back to how I was feeling when I was navigating parental preference with my boys. You know, it is a common phase, but when you're in this phase, it can feel so isolating. So why does parental preference occur? Okay, well, parental preference is actually really typical, as I've mentioned. It's something that many, many families go through at some point. And usually it pops up during times of change, like maybe starting daycare, learning new skills, or even just when life might feel a bit wobbly for a toddler or a child. Kids do crave predictability. So sometimes they'll cling to the parent who feels the most familiar or comforting in that moment. Sometimes it's can be purely about routine, like if one parent usually does bedtime, or is the go-to for comfort after a fall, and these patterns become the way things are done. So when the other parent tries to step in, the child's brain kind of goes, wait, this isn't how it's supposed to go. So it's not rejection, so to speak. It's just your little person looking for what feels safe and predictable at that time. And while, yes, it can sting, because it it does sting, it is a phase and really it does pass over time. So what's really going on here? So I think sometimes as adults, we see

Why Kids Choose One Parent

SPEAKER_00 5:07

preference as personal. Like, why doesn't my child want me? Or what did I do wrong? But for our little people, it's really about that. They're not thinking mum's better than dad. They're just following the emotional map that they've kind of built in their little brains. It's one that says, This person helps me feel calm when I'm overwhelmed. So I'm gonna go with that. So when they say no mummy, or you know, daddy do it, it's not defiance or rejection. It's a plea for comfort in the way that they know and the way that feels good to them. That's why staying calm and kind, even though it's can be quite maddening, it does really help because you're showing them that both parents are safe and loving, even if they're struggling to believe that in the moment. So we know that this phase is normal and it's very typical, and we also know it's really hard, and we know that it will pass. So, how do you support your child and yourself when you're in this phase? So let's talk about what helps because it is one thing to understand why it happens, but it's another thing to live through it at 7 pm when you're trying to get everyone into bed and you've got your child screaming at you that they don't want you. So here are some things I share with parents, and honestly, things that I used when I was managing parental preference. Small moments of flexibility. So you can start with like low stress swaps, maybe like mum finishes the puzzle that dad started, or maybe mum comes along and does the puzzle with dad and the child. So and then eventually dad kind of slips out. I'm a big fan of using social stories. If your child is really struggling, you can create a social story, and essentially it's just a story that explains the process of an aspect of a child's life. So it might be, for example, if you're struggling with bedtime, you would create a story about the bedtime routine, what it looks like, who is involved. So it takes the guesswork

It’s About Safety Not Rejection

SPEAKER_00 7:11

out for little people. You use short statements and you have a picture that goes alongside each statement. I'm a big fan of using photos because children love to see themselves in stories, but you can also just draw a picture if that's easiest. It really takes the guesswork out for a little people. So, big fan of social stories. Next, I'm a big fan of just consistency. I think teamwork between parents is very, very important. So if you've made a plan together about how you're going to approach a situation, it is important that you stick to it. Even when it's hard, even when your child's really annoyed at you, predictability is what helps them settle. It also helps them to know that there's a team around them supporting them. So teamwork between each other is super important. I also think one-on-one time is important when you're navigating this phase. I often recommend that each parent spends as little as ten minutes a day in a in focused time playing and enjoying an activity with a child. So have a think about the things that your child really enjoys doing. Maybe they like dancing, maybe they like jumping on the trampoline, maybe it's spaking. And you invite them to spend time with you, maybe ten minutes, or maybe the child gets to choose what activity you do together. So if each parent can have dedicated one-on-one time with the child, that not only builds connection, but it can help to rebalance the dynamic. And and finally, a really big one here is to validate your child's feelings without trying to persuade them out of said feelings. Because it's so tempting to say, oh, but daddy's fun too. Why don't you play with daddy? When actually you might be better off to say, you really you really wanted mum tonight, and I get that's hard. And then that's just simple validation and letting them know that you see what they're feeling. Because our job isn't to change what our children are feeling, but rather to provide a space where they can unpack and offload all that they are feeling.

Practical Strategies That Help

SPEAKER_00 9:19

So this phase is tough on everyone. The preferred parent gets worn down and the other parent feels rejected. And really both of you need some empathy. And if you're the parent doing it all, see how you can let your partner take over in other areas so that you can have a moment to rest. Maybe it is that you can ask them to wipe the bench down or get a load of laundry on or go and pick up the groceries. See how you can divvy up some of the chores around the house to just take some load off you. And if you're the parent being pushed away, try to stay engaged even when it stings because your child still needs you, even if they can't show it to you right now. When I look back at my children when they were going through this phase of parental preference, so that's like nine years ago now, I remember feeling how endless it seemed. But one day, without us even noticing, I don't know exactly what happened, but the boys started being more okay with either of us taking over different parts of their care. And honestly, now as teenagers, oh, they couldn't care less who tucks them in. In fact, I am um probably the least cool parent right now. I'm more cringe than anything else. So it's funny at the time it felt like forever. And now it's just one of those blurry, exhausting, strangely kind of tender moments of early parenthood. So please know that if you're in this phase right now, hang in there. It is going to pass, and you're not doing anything wrong. Your child is just learning how to feel safe in a changing world. And that's really what this whole parenting thing is, right? It's endlessly changing, and our children are endlessly going through new phases and stages. So if we can help build that sense of safety with them over and over again, until they can carry it by themselves, that is going to serve them so well in their lives. Well, that's it from me today about parental preference. If this episode resonated with you, or you're right in the thick of parental preference and you just need to vent, come and chat with me in the Kibirtle Parenting Group. I'd love to hear how things are going for you. And if you found this helpful, maybe share it with a friend who's going through it too. Because you know what, we're all just muddling through this parenting gig together. Take care and I'll catch you next time.