Children’s love languages

Love doesn’t live only on the calendar. It shows up in the quiet minutes between naps, in the cup of tea handed over when you’re touched out, and in the ten uninterrupted minutes where no one mentions nappies or tomorrow’s logistics. We dive into the five love languages and unpack how small, repeatable actions can meet real needs for partners and under-fives alike, even when sleep is thin and time is tighter.

I share how a midnight quiz revealed a mismatch: I thrive on words of affirmation while my husband needs quality time. That simple insight changed our week. With no family help, we carved out two nanny hours to walk, grab a coffee, or sit in shared silence, and the connection lift was immediate. We explore how to name needs without blame, why stress pushes us back to our own defaults, and how that creates emotional near-misses: the acts-of-service partner cleans to show love while the other person just wants a hand to hold or a few focused minutes. You’ll learn practical scripts, easy swaps, and ways to notice what truly fills a cup.

We also translate the framework to young children. One twin resets with ten minutes of undistracted attention; the other softens with warm touch and specific praise. You’ll hear how to read the signs of a low cup—clinginess, sharp edges over tiny things—and how meeting the primary language often calms storms faster than repeating instructions. No grand gestures required. Under-fives need consistency, predictability, and to feel seen. By choosing one small action that matches each person’s language and repeating it, you build a family culture where everyone’s needs are recognised and met more often.

If you’re ready to trade pressure and performance for small, intentional connection, this conversation is your map. Subscribe, share with a friend who’s in the trenches, and leave a quick review telling us one small habit you’re trying this week.

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Transcript

February And Everyday Love

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Kioda and welcome back to the Caboodle Podcast. I'm Alex from the first five years and I don't know about you but February always sneaks up on me. One minute we're easing into the new year, figuring out new routines, finding our rhythm again, and the next minute we finally come up for ear and realize, oh, it's the month of love. Suddenly there are hearts everywhere, Valentine's ads, dinner specials, pressure to make one particular day feel really meaningful. And look, I'm not opposed to it at all. I will happily accept a Valentine's gift, we hint to my husband there. But if I'm honest, what really makes me feel loved is not what happens on one day in February. It's the steady, ordinary ways love shows up across the entire year. It's those small moments, the consistent ones, the moments that no one posts about online. That's where I think the conversation around love needs to widen a little bit in February, especially for those of us who are parenting young children. Because when you're in the thick of raising children under five, love doesn't always look glamorous. Sometimes it looks like someone making you a cup of tea when you're touched out. Sometimes it's a text that says you're doing a great job. And sometimes it's ten minutes of actual eye contact and conversation that isn't revolved around nappies or logistics of the day. Years ago, in one of those foggy newborn seasons of my life with newborn twins, I stumbled across the idea of the five love languages. I was half awake feeding one baby trying to settle the other, and I was scrolling on my phone in a dazed survival mode, and I found an online quiz about the five love languages. And I clicked it mostly out of boredom. And it turned out that my primary love language was words of affirmation. That sounded about right to me. The explanation seemed very relatable. And so I made my husband do the quiz because I was curious to see what his result would come back out as. And his came back as quality time. At the time I didn't really think much of it, I just kind of filed it away somewhere in my tired brain, and I got back to surviving life with newborn twins. So the concept of the five love languages was created by Dr. Gary Chapman, a marriage counsellor and author who wrote the five love languages in the 1990s. After many, many years of working with couples, he noticed something quite interesting, that most of them genuinely loved each other.

Discovering The Five Love Languages

SPEAKER_00 2:45

They were not lacking of love for each other, they were just missing each other emotionally. What he found was that a lot of the time these couples were expressing love in ways that felt natural to them, but not necessarily in the ways that their partner best received love. So he grouped these patterns into five categories words of affirmation, quality time, physical touch, acts of service, and gifts. The idea is kind of simple, and it's that we tend to give love in a way we like to receive it. But if the person we love receives love differently, our efforts can land kind of flat. So a few weeks after me and my husband did the quiz, my husband said to me as we were feeding and burping our twenties that he missed just spending time together. Just me and him. Going for a coffee, a short walk, nothing too dramatic or exciting, but he just missed our time together. It took me a while to realize that he wasn't just commenting on our schedule. He was telling me that his emotional tank was low. He was asking for his emotional tank to be filled up, and he got his emotional tank filled up by quality time. We didn't have family available to support us with our newborn twins at that time. So we decided to see if we could find a nanny who could come for a couple of hours a week. That was it. So it was about two hours a week, and we would leave the house. And sometimes we'd get coffee, sometimes we'd go to the bank, sometimes we'd go and get the groceries, and sometimes we would just sit in silence because we were so, so very tired. But after a few weeks of this I noticed something pretty awesome. I noticed that my husband seemed to feel lighter. He was more connected, and honestly, I felt more

Our Mismatched Languages Revealed

SPEAKER_00 4:45

connected to him as well. The interesting part here is that my love language is words of affirmation. So it's quite different from my husband's. And my husband is not a big talker. I am the talker in the relationship. I narrate everything that's going on in my life in our home. Now, what I have had to learn is to name what I need from him around my love language, to say things like, it really helps me when you notice what I'm doing, or I could use some encouragement today. When he understands that, he can be intentional and keep it at the top of his mind. And that awareness has really carried us through seasons that could have easily pulled us apart. I'm aware that he needs quality time to fill his emotional cup, and he's aware that my emotional cup is filled up by words of affirmation. This is why February, I think, kind of can be a helpful prompt for us, even if it is commercialized by Valentine's Day, it can nudge us to ask better questions than what kind of flowers should I buy. But instead we can ask what actually makes those around me feel loved. Because in stressful situations, and let's be honest, parenting under fives is often one of the a really long stressful season. Yes, there's magic in there as well. When we are stressed, we often default to what comes naturally. If you value acts of service, you might clean the kitchen as your way of showing those around you that you love them. If you value physical touch, you might reach for a hug. If you value gifts, you might organize something thoughtful for someone. But if that someone's emotional cup

Finding Time With Newborn Twins

SPEAKER_00 6:30

is filled by quality time or words of affirmation, they may not feel as loved and supported as you may expect them to feel. And stress magnifies this gap. Sleep deprivation, financial pressure, busy calendars, that invisible mental load of parenting, all of this lowers our emotional reserves. And when our reserves are low, small disconnections can feel much, much bigger. Now, love languages are not some magic fix, but they are certainly offer us a really helpful starting framework. It helps us to have a language for saying, when you do this, I feel close to you. And it doesn't just apply to our partners, but it also applies to our children too. So Dr. Chapman later adapted his work to include children. And I had found this so incredibly helpful with my children. And while no child fits neatly into just one category, I certainly have found it helpful to observe what seems to fill my children's emotional cup the most consistently. And I can now see it really clearly with my twins, what love language best suits them. One leans heavily into quality time, and if he's had a rough day, ten minutes of undistracted attention can really shift things for him. No phone, no multitasking, just being with him. And often it is just a walk around the block. My other twin thrives on physical touch and words of affirmation. So a cuddle and really specific encouragement or acknowledgement can really help in those moments. So with children, when their emotional cup is low, their behavior often reflects this. So it might look like clinginess, arguing, tantrums over tiny things.

Naming Needs And Staying Connected

SPEAKER_00 8:30

And yes, boundaries still very much matter. But I found that meeting my children's primary love language often settles those stormy moments more effectively than repeating instructions even louder. So if your child leans towards quality time, they might really struggle when they feel disconnected from you. If your child's love language is physical touch, they may seek closeness consistently from you. If your child's love language is words of affirmation, they may be really sensitive to correction and deeply responsive to specific praise. If your child's love language is acts of service, it's likely that they will try and help you and they will feel love when you help them. If it's gifts, small tokens can really carry surprising meaning for your child. And the thing that's really awesome about the five love languages is that none of this requires grand gestures. In fact, the under fives really need things or grand gestures. They need consistency, predictability, and to feel seen. February tells us that love is roses and romance. But real family love is actually often a lot quieter. It's sitting on the floor and playing even when you're tired. It's choosing not to snap when you definitely could. It's sending messages that say I see how hard you're trying. It's noticing that your partner's stressed before it spills over and supporting them. It's asking yourself what fills up my cup? And being brave enough to answer honestly. Because that's the other piece. You have a love language too. And if you're consistently giving in ways that don't refill you, resentment can creep in quietly. Not because you don't love your family, but because your cup is empty. So maybe this February, instead of focusing on one day, you start a different tradition. You ask your partner, what makes you feel the most loved? Maybe you observe your child just a little more closely and notice what fills their cup up. Notice what fills your cup

Stress, Defaults, And Missed Signals

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up. And maybe you choose one small consistent action that aligns with that. Not for Instagram, not for performance, just for connection. At the end of the day, none of us are asking for perfection, are we? We're just wanting to feel seen and valued and considered. And while I will happily accept flowers, what really lasts is the steady meeting of emotional needs across the year. Love is less about the grand February gestures. It's more about the ordinary moments when somebody chooses to meet you in the way you feel it most. And that is the kind of love that sustains families. So if this podcast has tweaked your interest in the five love languages, I highly recommend that you head to the website fivelovelanguages.com and do the quiz. Get your partner to do the quiz. Get your children to do the quiz. Get your grandparents and your aunties and your friends to do the quiz. Because let me tell you, it is one of the most helpful quizzes I have ever done. Thanks for being here with me today. I hope this gives you something to think about as we move through the month of love. Not pressure, not performance, just small, intentional connection. See you next time.