Season 1; Episode 2
Solutions Looking for a Problem
Today’s podcast is about new products that have caught my eye, but not in a good way.
First, there were smart phones. Then smart watches, doorbell cameras, even thermostats. Of course, Elon has his smart cars, which have a tendency to kill their owners.
Now, in the ever-escalating battle to add questionable technology to needless products, water bottle manufacturer, LARQ, that’s spelled L…A…R…Q has introduced the smart water bottle.
You heard that right.
Not only does the $100+ LARQ water bottle purify your drinking water, you know, just in case the average hipster happens to favor drinking from Prospect Park puddles, or random contaminated streams, but, and this is the best part, according to their website:
“75% of people suffer from chronic dehydration.”
And of course, they have a solution.
“With LARQ Bottle PureVis™ 2 and the LARQ app, you can track your hydration habits and set goals to improve your hydration.”
But wait, there’s more.
You can download their app to your smartphone which will enable your dried out leathery ass to, “Unlock your hydration potential”.
Identify a problem, real or imagined, make people afraid of it, and offer a solution.
The benefits are obvious to anyone who drinks water (we are talking about water, right?).
Their website claims improvements to:
“Cognition, Health, Performance, Appearance and Aging”
So, how does this miraculous new product work? Again, per their website, the bottle and app, allow you to:
“Set and track goals to improve your hydration habits.
The LARQ App allows you to set personal hydration goals and keep track of your progress.
Make LARQ your personal hydration coach.
Get reminders to drink more water where and when you want them. Get push notifications from the LARQ App, or let your bottle light up to remind you to drink up. It's that easy.
Get the stats that matter.
Find some added motivation through insights. Do you want to set the longest streak? Or consistently reach your goals every day for 30 days?
Insights help you measure your performance, so you can always set a personal best.”
We are talking water, right? Water.
Okay, yeah, the attractive and fully hydrated folks pictured on the company’s website must have seen this coming. After all, everywhere you look, people are toting fancy water bottles. Why not pair up a little sizzley tech with an updated version of the army canteen and create a whole new market. Clearly they know something I don’t.
But when did drinking water become hydration? And when did hydration become a free-standing event? What’s next, hydration competitions?
I can see it now…
“Ladies and gentlemen, the sun is bright, and the temperature is rising here in the Mojave Desert as we welcome you to the third annual HydroComp, sponsored by LARQ...
…Our contestants, who have been de-hydrating in preparation for this grueling event, are now leaving the shaded medical tent and entering the arena…”
Are we really so lame that we forget to drink water, the single most important inorganic compound on the planet? The source of all life as we know it. Something that makes up 60% of our bodies.
Where’s Charles Darwin when we need him? Maybe the gene pool needs to be drained. Let’s start with the un-hydrated.
The real question is, where does it end?
Smart sneakers that remind you to tie your shoelaces before going for a run?
Smart toothpaste that alerts you to tooth decay?
How about a smart chef’s knife that screams, sharpen me?
What happened to personal agency?
Oh, hang on a second.
My assistant just handed me a note.
Rumor has it that Trojan is developing a smart condom. I can’t wait.
Thanks for listening.
