Selling Perfection

Pfizer announces FDA approval of PinnicalZempic, a drug targeting the widespread condition of, "perfectiasses", a common disease prevalent in first world populations. Why not skip all the hard work and go directly to top.

Transcript

Season 1; Episode 5

Selling Perfection

I read an interesting article today about what sounds like a great new product. Let me know what you think.

According to the article:

Pfizer announced FDA approval of PinnicalZempic, a drug targeting the widespread condition of, “perfectiasses”, a common disease prevalent in first world populations. 

Symptoms of “perfectiasses” are an unreasonable striving to be the best, most perfect version of yourself. Jealousy and feelings of complete failure to live your best life. An immobilizing fear that your posts are not “Instagram worthy”, combined with a lack of influencer status. Also, minor symptoms include, no 7-figure side hustle, working remotely from a van, Etsy fatigue and an undeveloped six pack.

According to Pfizer’s research, global consumer spending for cosmetics, weight loss, cosmetic surgery and self-improvement exceeds $640 billion dollars annually. Clearly, “perfectiasses” has reached pandemic level proportions and it was time for Pfizer to address this debilitating disease, not to mention grab a big cut of the perfection pie. 

The article goes on to say:

We are introducing a revolutionary line of FDA approved pharmaceuticals, formulated to relieve our patients of the stress, concern and embarrassment of allowing “perfectiasses” to go untreated in a world of relentless selfpromotion. 

Pfizer’s research showed that “perfectiasses” manifests with various symptom groups leading the drug maker to target these groups with specially formulated versions of its groundbreaking drug.   

The initial family of medications include:

ElonZempic, promotes limitless megalomania and delusional self-confidence, with massive doses of racial superiority, but only a small touch of antisemitism.

Martha Zempic, treats all deficiencies of homemaking, including napkin folding, silverware placement, flower arranging and insider trading.

KardashZempic, allows sufferers to become rich and famous despite a complete lack of talent or marketable skills. Not to mention look great in Skims (Spanx).

Joe RogenZempic, enables sufferers to turn around their pathetic B-celebrity lives and build a podcast empire of bro-friendly, bow hunting, bone-crushing perfection.

Tony RobbinZempic, enables patients to fire-walk, bully weaklings and become super-rich simply by believing they can become super-rich.

And finally, a future version in development:

Cesar MillZempic so patients can have the perfect pet.

The press release goes on to say:

Pfizer’s CEO firmly believes that PinnicalZempic’s treatment of “perfectiasses”, will revolutionize the world of striving, self-improvement, and influencing, allowing lazy, uneducated, talentless people to achieve a level of perfection, influence and wealth that they never dreamed possible, with little or no effort, other than covering the out-of-pocket cost of $3500 per month.  

Side effects may include an exponential increase in people selling get rich quick scams, workout regimens, used Teslas, unproven nutritional supplements, CBD gummies, movie scripts, unpublished novels, Yellowstone spinoffs and cryogenic internment.

This drug is not approved for use by Politicians, Formula One drivers, Ivy League graduates or Navy Seals.   

Pfizer’s share price rose 1500% on the news. 

I don’t know about you, but I can’t wait, I’m ordering mine today.

Thanks for listening.