Jewish Space Lasers - Finally the Truth!

As you will recall, back in 2018 Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene claimed that a Jewish Space Laser was used to start the California wildfires. 

Well guess what, finally, after 7 years and a budget of 2.5 billion dollars, a small congressional oversite committee, has investigated her claims and recently released its report. 

Better late than never. 

Transcript

Season 1; Episode 7

Jewish Space Lasers - Finally the Truth!

Hey listeners.

Happy new year and welcome to another episode of Twisted Views.

I was reading the NYT, doing research for today’s podcast. And I once I read that the new administration plans to buy Greenland, take back the Panama Canal, rename the Gulf of Mexico and make Canada a state, I knew that I was way behind the satire curve. 

You know fact is stranger than fiction. And you just can’t make this shit up.

So, further research was required.

Then I realized we haven’t heard a peep from Marjorie Taylor Greene about the LA fires and her thoughts on Jewish Space Lasers.

Why no comment, Marj?

Did you pull the whole idea out of your ass? 

As you will recall, back in 2018 Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene claimed that a Jewish Space Laser was used to start the California wildfires. Seems like a lot of hassle when a can of gas and a Bic would do the same thing.

Well guess what, finally, after 7 years and a budget of 2.5 billion dollars, a small congressional oversite committee, has investigated her claims and recently released its report. Better late than never. 

So, let’s take a look at the report’s key findings.  

First off, they found that it takes two things to launch something into space: money and big fucking rocket. A fact that anyone who’s taken a public-school science class would know. But let’s give our congressional investigators the benefit of the doubt.  

Now of course they identified the usual dog whistle suspects; George Soros, Steven Spielberg, the Rothschilds, Goldman Sachs, ​B’nai B’rith and possibly even the KKK. 

They all have plenty of cash, but no big fucking rocket. 

Then there’s Jeff Bezos and Elon Musk. They have both. 

But Bezos seems to be too distracted hanging out with Captain Kurk, buying stupid-sized sailboats and spending his fortune on sloppy seconds, and Elon, well, let’s just say he’s got a bit of an antisemitic streak. So, no go there. 

How about NASA. Are they in cahoots with the Israelis? 

Well, according to the report, after several freedom of information act requests, five subpoenas, a couple of lie detector tests and small congressional cash bribe, NASA came up clean. 

That leaves our favorite boogey man – Russia or more preciously Russia’s State Corporation for Space Activities, commonly known as "Roscosmos". 

Rubles and big fucking rockets. 

But how and why?  It’s not like Russia spends a lot of time helping Jews, unless you count aiding their potential annihilation at the hands of Iran, Iraq, Hezbollah, Hamas, Syria, Lebanon, Yemen and every other neighborhood terrorist in need of money, guns and bombs. 

Let’s get real. 

There’s only one answer: the Mossad. 

Israel’s sneaky, little band of intelligence and counter terrorism spies. Think Gal Gadot with a bad attitude and a switchblade. These are the creative folks who grabbed Adolf Eichmann down in Argentina, swiped a MIG21 fighter jet right off the tarmac in Iran, and brought you remote control exploding pagers (soon to be available at your local Best Buy).

According to the report, here’s what happened. The Mossad smuggled the Jewish Space Laser onto a Soyuz rocket destined for the International Space Station (ISS). No one noticed, because the wooden crate containing the JSL, was labeled, “Experiment, Advanced Astro Physics, Daily Reports Required”. 

The cosmonauts, wanting no part of more boring work and having recently been relieved of three cases of vodka, jettisoned the crate to make room for an anti-gravity beanbag chair, a case of Kleenex and extra computer screen showing PornHub 24/7. If you can’t drink vodka while you orbit the earth, why not enjoy your time in space with a little weightless self-pleasure.    

So, that explains how the laser achieved low earth orbit.

Now, on to the big bugger in the handkerchief. 

Why? Why go to all the trouble?

Here, the report gets all technical and scientific (which after all is the purpose) with explanations of rocket intercept trajectories, space-based iron domes, lethal anti-nuclear retaliation and speed of light terrorist executions. 

But we’re talking the Mossad here. Sometimes subtle, sometimes not so much. 

After a lot of digging, including confirmation from several confidential sources who have since vanished, the reason was very simple. The Mossad’s original plan was to remotely light Friday night Sabbath candles at synagogues throughout the state of California, creating a stunning display of technological prowess and a not-so-subtle warning to all haters of the Israeli experiment. Instant precision immolation anyone?

So what happened? Why light California on fire?  

Turns out that at the appointed hour the Israeli computer geek responsible for laser targeting was getting head from a beautiful busty, dark-eyed IDF major assigned to guard his safety and to ensure his task was not compromised. 

Unfortunately, at a very critical point in the process, for both tasks at hand (or mouth if you prefer) the blast off was fumbled, sort of.  

So California was set ablaze and good old Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene was right, sort of.  

You know what they say about pigs and truffles. 

No idea who she’s going to blame for today’s fires. 

Maybe LA’s LGBTQ+ Fire Chief.

I can’t wait. 

Thanks for listening.