DOGE Fire Sale!

The Department of Government Efficiency is selling off the good stuff! 

Get your very own monument, battle tank or Supreme Court Justice!

Don't delay!

Quantities are limited!

Order yours before it's too late!

Transcript

Season 1; Episode 9

DOGE Fire Sale

Hey Listeners 

Welcome to another episode of Twisted Views

I recently came across a website that I think you might find interesting. 

The address is:  www . DOGE Fire Sale . gov

When you go to the site it says, “that in addition to closing, downsizing and streamlining many inefficient, over staffed, and mismanaged, government agencies, the Department of Government Efficiency is selling off assets in order to recoup taxpayer money in an effort to meet Elon Musk’s reasonable and easily achieved promise of eliminating $2 trillion in wasteful government spending”. 

Interesting. You should check it out. Very cool.

And it’s not just old army canteens, moldy combat boots and 1970’s era adding machines.

It’s like government surplus on steroids.

For example, it says here that the FDA, HHS, NIH and CDC are all being combined into one streamlined agency called the SAS, which stands for “Science Ain’t Shit”. 

And they’ve posted a lot of stuff for sale:

Vaccine development and testing protocol kits.

Pandemic response management systems.

Over 100 years of scientifically developed intellectual property including HIV studies, polio prevention research, cancer research and gender identity studies.

In terms of hard goods, cases of test tubes and beakers, bunson burners, mixers and microscopes - all suitable for profession grade meth labs. 

Plus, 500 warehouses stocked masks, gloves, protective clothing and other needless items.

The Department of Defense is also getting into the streamlining act.

Medals, Honors, Promotions, Female, Assorted.

Uniforms, Female, Assorted Sizes.

Bathroom Signage, Multi-Gender. 

Tampons, OD Green, Assorted Sizes.

If you’re into the bigger stuff, the destroyer, the USS John McCain is for sale.

The USS Gabrielle Giffords, the USS Ruth Bader Ginsberg and of course the Harriet Tubman.

Several Abrams tanks are for sale, because, well, Abrams sounds too Jewish. 

Also, the Marine Corp. is for sale. That doesn’t make sense. Oh, I see, Pete Hegseth served in the Army because the Marine’s wouldn’t take him. 

Here’s a listing for Federal Real estate, there are some interesting properties.

The Washington Monument is for sale to make room for a SpaceX launch pad.

The Lincoln Memorial is for sale to make room for #45 and the Jefferson Memorial is for sale to make room for #47.

Arlington National Cemetery has been re-zoned commercial and is for sale.

However, the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier will remain but will be renamed the Tomb of the Unknown Loser. 

Speaking of losers, the Vietnam memorial is going to be carved up into beautiful black granite DJT cufflinks available for sale in the White House Gift Shop. 

The Federal Office of Personnel is being dismantled but has some real bargains.

You can buy the entire capital police force. Weapons, uniforms and PTSD included.

There’s a whole list of attorneys with excellent experience prosecuting criminals.

Most US Senators and Congressmen are already spoken for, but some spines are still available.

Mike Johnson, Lindsey Graham, Josh Hawley and Mitch McConnell are all up for grabs. 

And you can still buy Tommy Turberville’s brain. 

Apparently, some Supreme Court Justices can be had at discount prices. 

Obviously, Alito and Thomas are spoken for. But according to the website, you don’t have to be a white, nazi loving billionaire to own your very own RV driving Justice.

Chief Justice Roberts is listed. Conscience not included.

You can pick up Brett Kavanaugh for a keg of beer and an invite to a frat party.

You can own Amy Coney Barrett for a box of broken condoms, a single wide house trailer and rusty coat hanger.

Oh, boy, here’s a big one.

The National Archives is being closed. According to this note, “an accurate historical record is an unnecessary impediment to the plans of the new administration”.

Considering that the National Archives houses over 13 billion documents, a list of available materials is forthcoming, but for now they are only listing one document for sale: 

The Constitution. 

Get yours today. 

Thanks for listening.