Canada's 11th Province?

Instead of the US making Canada the 51st state, maybe we should become Canada’s 11th province. 

I know it sounds crazy but hear me out. I think there are some real advantages. 

Let me know if you agree. 

Transcript

Season 1; Episode 11

Canada’s 11th Province?

Hey listeners

Welcome to another episode of Twisted Views.

I’ve got to ask. 

What the fuck is going on with Donald Trump and Canada? Did he try to build a casino up there? Did Miss Canada refuse to give him head before the final round of judging at the Miss Universe pageant? Did Justine Trudeau make fun of Trump’s tiny man hands?

Seriously, dude, give it a rest. You’re wearing us out. 

I’ve spent a lot of time in Canada, for both business and pleasure, and it’s a pretty goddamn nice place, so that gives me an idea. 

Instead of the US making Canada the 51st state, maybe we should become Canada’s 11th province. 

If they’ll have us. 

I know it sounds crazy but hear me out. I think there are some real advantages. 

In addition to being a stable parliamentary democracy (with the emphasis on stable and democracy), Canada is also a constitutional monarchy, which means they sort of, but don’t really, report to King Charles. 

And if we join up with Canada, King Chuck gets to wipe away the 249-year stigma of his Red Coats losing the revolutionary war.  So, let’s do the old guy a solid. 

Maybe he’ll let us shoot another Bond movie at the Palace. Or at least agree to a cameo.  Or give us a discount on Guinness. Teach us how to make proper fish and chips.  

Canada’s also got a wicked good social safety net. Our friends to the north get; old age security, pension plans, employment insurance, childcare benefits, school food programs, student grants and interest free loans, workers’ benefits, universal healthcare, and a national pharmacare plan. 

Take that Elon. Try to tow that away with your stainless-steel doorstop. 

But there are many more benefits. 

No more whining about Vermont versus Canadian maple syrup. The battle’s over. It’s just syrup.  

Our money becomes the Loonie, how cool is that. Naming your scratch after some goofy bird that floats around on foggy, ice-cold lakes and makes a sound right out of a Wes Craven movie.   

Also, Canada seems to love their children way more than their guns. How about our 288 school shootings versus their 2? 

 Sounds like a Wayne Gretzky hockey score.

And speaking of hockey, maybe once we become Canada’s newest province, we’ll all finally learn how the game is played and what happened to all those front teeth. 

Now let’s not forget the French Canadians. That very special subset of Canadians that feel superior to their countrymen. Much like the real French people feel toward the entire world. 

Someone in Quebec will get a humongous contract for all the new bilingual road signs we’ll need down here.  

Think of it as a chance to confuse and misdirect 243 million drivers. How’s that for superiority. How do you say get lost in French?

Then, there’s the metric system. Gerald Ford signed the Metric Conversion Act in 1975, 50 years ago, and it went exactly nowhere. We might not like it or understand it, but the rest of the world uses it so maybe it’s time.

I mean, you’ve got to admit, it’s way more accurate. A Patrick Mahomes 60-yard touchdown pass to Travis Kelce (if that ever happens again) measures out to exactly 54.864 meters. Or a Jacob deGrom 90 mph fastball clocks in at a sizzling 144.84096 KPH. 

And how about their food. 

Poutine, that delicious artery clogging concoction of French fries, cheese curds and brown gravy will take the US by storm. Think of it as diabetes on a plate. Who knows, maybe RFK Jr. will let McDonald’s add it to their menu. We can only hope. 

And finally, the biggest advantage of all. The real reason the US should become Canada’s 11th province. 

They’re really fucking nice people. Polite, courteous, kind, caring. 

And right now, I think we’ve got a real shortage of nice people in this country. So, let’s just hope that Trump doesn’t put a tariff on kindness. 

Thanks for listening.