Episode 28: From Compliance to Cooperation: The Real Reason Your Child Won't Listen

Maybe you’re validating feelings, staying calm, and offering choices, but underneath it all, you’re still hoping your child will simply listen and cooperate right away. In this episode of Parenting Through Connection, I’m exploring something that keeps parents stuck: using parenting tools with the same old goal of compliance. We’ll unpack the difference between parenting through control versus parenting through connection and how shifting the power dynamic can create more trust, cooperation, and connection.

In this episode, we talk about:

• Why changing your parenting language doesn’t always change the relationship dynamic
• The difference between “power over” parenting, “power under” parenting, and “power with” parenting
• How fear and old patterns can pull us back into authoritarian or permissive parenting
• Why boundaries and connection can exist together
• The importance of building long-term influence with your child through “power with” parenting
• Questions to ask yourself to parent more intentionally and in alignment with your values

This episode is an invitation to notice what’s underneath the parenting tools you’re using. Not with judgment, but with compassion. If this conversation resonates with you and you’re looking for deeper support, my Rooted in the Middle parenting program is designed to help you define your parenting values and create a roadmap toward the relationship you want with your child. You don’t have to do this alone.

Transcript

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SPEAKER_00 0:01

Welcome to Parenting Through Connection. I'm Megan, a parenting coach and mom, navigating the ups and downs of raising kids in a way that feels connected, compassionate, and true to who we really are. This is the place where we ditch the chain, embrace our humanity, and explore what it really means to parent with intention. From toddlers to teens. Whether you're here for practical tips, heartfelt stories, or a reminder that there's no such thing as a bad parent, you're in the right place. Let's dive in and learn together so we can thrive in parent. Today I want to talk about something that comes up when we are trying to shift away from old patterns. A lot of us parents come into this work because we want to shift our parenting. Maybe we don't want to yell as much, we don't want to threaten, we don't want to punish, we don't want to feel like every hard moment turns into a power struggle. We want to be able to manage our kids' behaviors in a way that isn't so exhausting. And so we start learning new tools. You know, we start using calmer language, validating feelings, offering choices, using scripts, maybe being more gentle in our limits. And all of those things can be really supportive. But sometimes, without even realizing it, we are still using those tools with the same old goal underneath, and that is unintentionally sabotaging us. And that goal is that we are still trying to just get compliance. We are still thinking, how do I say this or how do I do this so that my kid does what I want? And that can look like things like, how do I validate them so they stop crying? How do I offer choices so they listen? Even how do I stay calm so they finally do what I say? And then when those tools don't work, because our child still says no, still melts down, still refuses or pushes back, we can feel ourselves kind of snapping back into old patterns and deciding that these new strategies just don't work. And those old patterns, they usually fall into what's called power over or power under parenting. Now, power over parenting, you may have heard of that. It's usually called authoritarian parenting. And this is where we get louder, firmer. This is where kind of those threats come in. We might lecture, we might even shame, we might find ourselves saying things like, because I said so, or I'm the parent, or even things like you will do this right now. Or we tend to go into what's called power under parenting. And this one you may know more as permissive parenting. So this one is kind of the opposite where we give up, we go quiet, we may let the boundaries go, even though it matters to us. And this frequently can leave us feeling helpless, even resentful. We might even think, like, fine, whatever, do what you want. And then later we feel guilty, frustrated, maybe even confused, because we thought we were changing our parenting and doing the so-called, you know, quote unquote right thing. And we were really hoping it would be the thing that finally worked. So we're gonna talk about this. Because usually just changing our words is not always the same as actually changing the power dynamic that is needed to help our relationships with our kids. Because sometimes we use that different parenting language or script, but because we're still trying to control our child, these kind of connection tools, they aren't going to work if all we're looking for is that instant compliance. And automatically, when they don't work, we do feel like those tools are failing. But I want to invite you to consider that it's not just a change in strategy, but it's actually a deeper invitation to shift from power over or power under parenting into what's called power with. Now, power with is about the relationship with your child. It allows you to have that influence even as they get older, and to have that collaboration where you as the parent, you know, we still have that clear leadership, but we also have respect for our child's voice and autonomy. It does involve knowing but also treating our children as full human beings, with their feelings, their needs, their ideas, limits, even their nervous systems of their own. But it also involves remembering that we are still the parent, and we also have all those things ourselves. There are two of us in this relationship. So we are still responsible for safety, guidance, boundaries, even repair, and for trying to guide our kids while staying connected to who they are and how we want to show up in the relationship. And when we tend to parent from that power over framework, that authoritarian one, this doesn't happen because the parent is at the top and the child is at the bottom. And so the parent's voice matters most. And that usually means that the child's feelings, thoughts, needs, wants, even their perspective, are often seen as inconvenient, disrespectful, or even something to shut down. Power over basically says, I know all as the parent, so you need to obey me. And this usually comes from some kind of fear. Maybe fear that our child will become entitled. Maybe fear of other people judging us. We might have a fear around what our child's behavior means. Is it going to turn into something horrible for them? Does it mean that we're failing as parents? Maybe we have a fear that if we give them, you know, that space or that connection, they're going to, you know, take advantage of it or manipulate it. Or that if we don't control this moment or this behavior, everything is going to get way worse in the future. And when we parent from this fear, our nervous system is going to get activated and we are going to then turn to control. And that looks like getting louder, sharper, more rigid. Those old patterns start to come back as we try to control our kids' behavior. And I want to remind you here that if you notice this in yourself, to give yourself some compassion. This shift in parenting also means you aren't shaming yourself or labeling yourself either. Instead, we want to bring awareness that you're usually doing this because maybe you're overwhelmed, you're anxious or scared, or you might not have been given the support, tools, or even models for parenting a different way. And most of us have been taught that power feels like safety. And so that control feels like safety. And compliance becomes proof that you're doing this whole parenting thing, quote unquote, right. But as I'm sure you've noticed, that control is fragile. It works really well when our kids are younger, and it can also work for the short term. Younger children, especially, are going to do what we say when we are bigger, louder, stronger, or in charge of resources. But as your child starts to grow, that kind of power starts to fade. Because they are going to get bigger. They are going to get louder. They are going to become more independent and be able to get their own resources. They're going to start to spend more time outside of your control. They're going to start to notice when they're being manipulated. And they're going to start to notice all of these tactics. And nothing makes a child, well, any person really, start to resist more than feeling controlled. And this is why influence instead of power matters so much. Because as our kids get older, we can't rely on power to carry the relationship. We are going to need that trust, that connection, that collaboration. And yes, you can do this. You can have this even when setting limits with your kids. Where even when they don't get the final say, they still feel their voice mattered. And they will still come to you when they get upset around a boundary, even if it's one you set, because they know they'll be supported. And that's the shift we're looking for from that compliance to the cooperation. Now I want to talk a little bit about that other side of the continuum, that power under. Now that power under is more permissive. So this tends to look like when we avoid boundaries because we don't like conflict, or we want to avoid tantrums or big meltdowns, when we stay quiet about things, even when they really matter to us. And it can look like handing over decision-making power to our children, even though they're not ready for that responsibility. And again, this often comes from fear. But on this side, the fear looks more like upsetting our child, maybe making, you know, not wanting to make them feel those uncomfortable feelings. Maybe we are afraid our child is going to reject us. Maybe a fear of conflict with your child. Worried about losing that connection to your kid? Or even you don't want to be too harsh when setting boundaries. Power under can also come from exhaustion. Sometimes us as parents, we just are so unsupported, so burnt out, so overwhelmed that holding one more boundary feels impossible. So it becomes just easier to let things go. And this is where a lot of us parents get stuck because we don't want to use power over. We don't want to yell, threaten, punish, or shame. But we are also scared that if we move away from power over, the only other option is power under. So we end up swinging between the two. This can look like when we hold the boundary, but then our child has a meltdown and we feel either guilty or overwhelmed, so we backtrack. Or we feel resentful towards our kids over a lack of a boundary, so we tighten it and become really harsh and power over them. And we kind of swing back and forth between the two. Kind of like a pendulum swinging back and forth. And not only does this get really exhausting for us, but also really confusing for our kids. Whereas power with gives us another way because it meets in the middle. It allows for us to be kind and clear, where we can be connected but also have boundaries. It allows us to listen to our kids, honor their feelings, stay curious, while still setting limits and being a leader to them. It allows us to ask the questions we need to make sure our kids' needs are met, but also our own. And this is where self-awareness becomes one of our most important parenting tools. Because power with parenting lets us respond to our children, but also notice how we are relating to ourselves in these moments. Can I notice my fears without them taking over the interaction? Can I notice my urge to control and get curious about it? Can I notice when I want to give up and then ask for the support I need? Can I connect with my values before I respond? Power with parenting is deeply rooted in your values as a parent. It allows for you to start asking what kind of relationship you even want with your child. And also how do you get there? It helps give you an actual roadmap to parenting, no matter your situation. Our children are going to grow. And with that, our power is going to shift as well. Things like our ability to physically move them, you know, carrying them out, kicking and screaming out of that grocery store, the ability to control their environment, monitor every choice, even forced compliance is going to fade. But things like influence, connection, collaboration, trust, those things can grow. And power with parenting allows for us to build that kind of relationship that holds through those really hard moments, through those teenage years, and even all the way into adulthood. So as you move on from this episode, I want to invite you to notice one thing. When you use a parenting tool, pause and ask yourself, am I using this to get compliance? Or am I using this to build cooperation and connection? And again, there is no shaming here. We all want and even need compliance sometimes. Of course we do. That's life. It is hard when children do not listen, when we are tired, when we are late, when we are overstimulated, when we're carrying way too much. So a reminder to bring in that compassion again. You do not need to judge yourself. This is instead about that self-awareness because if we are wanting only compliance, we tend to then feel desperate when the tool doesn't work, which then makes us more reactive and more likely to try to grab at that control. And then we get stuck in that cycle, and that cycle does not feel good. But when we can shift that goal to more that relationship, that guidance, that long-term cooperation, we can stay more grounded and where we can actually start to see a shift in our relationship with our kids. And that is power with, and that is parenting from values instead of fear. And that is the kind of relationship our children can carry with them long after our power fades. So I want to thank you for being here with me today. And if you are needing more support in this area, my main parenting program is for you. This program can not only help you define your parenting values, but also help you build the roadmap for the relationship you want with your child. And you can find all the information in the show notes. And as always, I hope you leave this episode feeling a little less alone, a little more supported, and a little more connected to yourself and your child.