The Accountability Blueprint Pt 2

Most conflicts don’t collapse because the problem is unsolvable. They collapse because we get defensive and reactive before we ever try to understand each other.

We come back to accountability and why most conflicts keep exploding when we stay defensive, reactive, and obsessed with being right. I connect mediation training, family pain, and scripture to one question that can change everything: what if I’m the problem?

Transcript

Welcome And Why This Matters

Speaker 1 0:00

Grace in peace. Grace in peace and welcome. Welcome back to another rendition of the Moral Compass Chronicles. I'm your man. I'm your brother, Eyon J. And I do apologize if you hear my daughter in the background. She's in there cutting up. But I'm glad to be back. I'm glad to have you guys with me. And I want to jump right into another chronicle here. Another chronicle, another rendition. This is the Moral Compass Chronicles, as you know, and uh me, your your boy, I am constantly undergoing more training, more education. I want to understand, and very particular education, right? I want to understand why we are the way we are, as people, as it pertains to our moral compass, our uh ability to take accountability or lack thereof. Um, that's something I want to continue to understand as a certified mediator. And so I'm undergoing even more training um to be even further certified, and specifically um

Mediation Training And Accountability

Speaker 1 1:20

within the court system of the state of New York. That's where I'm at now, that's what I'm doing currently, right? Um, and so in as I've been taking my classes and doing a lot of reading into um even the psychology of mediation, problem solving, alternative dispute resolutions, uh some thoughts have come to me. I've written some things down, and it's taking us right back to accountability. That's where this podcast started. If you remember, those that have been with me since the beginning, I love you, I appreciate you. Those of you that came in sometime between the beginning and now, and you've even uh managed to go back a little bit, you've probably caught a little piece of the accountability series. Um, it was spontaneous, but there were several chronicles. If you haven't, please go back and take a listen. Um But I I want to go back to I want to go back to accountability because you know my position. If you don't, here it is. I am of the mindset that if every single one of us were to look in the mirror first, when there was a disagreement of any kind, an argument, a fight, a separation, a difference in opinions, if we all looked in the mirror at ourselves and where we have gone wrong, what we could have done better, what what what what gas what type of uh flammable substance did you add to the fire? Right? What did you contribute that could have helped, or furthermore, that hurt? What did you contribute that made things worse? Because typically, when there's a disagreement, there's a dispute, there's an argument of some sort, we we we're not quick to point out what the other person did right, are we? Nah. We we don't focus on that. Like I'm talking about like you could think of the the worst of situations of all time. You could think of, you know, small little minuscule disputes of, you know, you stepped on my shoe, whatever, you know, things like that. You could really look at the range of things that could go wrong, that could cause two parties or more than one party to have a dispute. Do we ever really point out the good? Nah, not really. Are we are we or better yet, are we quick to? We may acknowledge it. We may acknowledge what someone did right, excuse me. Maybe, but more times than not, we're we're upset about what the other party did wrong, correct? In mediation, it's the same thing. I'm sitting down between two parties, which I've done many times, which I'll continue to do, which one day I'll be doing in the New York court system, right? And party A, the who uh, you know, I guess the person, and now when it comes to the court system, right, one person is bringing it to somebody's the the plaintiff, right? And somebody's the defendant. Also in the you know, in in the in the street. It's one party who's upset about something, calling you out, making it known, and and and then another party is defending themselves, right? Okay. You think about housing disputes, you think about divorce, divorces, you think about um workplace matters, and and the list goes on and on. You've got two parties, and someone's the accuser, and someone is the one defending themselves, but you know, you can even go back to now like just domestic disputes. Maybe we're not even in court, right? We're having an argument. You're upset at me, I'm upset at you. We're not focusing on what each other did well. Because if we did do that, arguments would end very quickly, wouldn't they? No, we're not doing that. We're focusing on who did what wrong, who said what wrong, who said something wrong first, who did something wrong first, and it's because that person did something wrong first, and it's leading me now to do something wrong. That's the premise of it all. All right, very rarely are we focusing, almost never, are we focusing on what somebody did right. And and now, in the reading that I've done, I read

Defensive Reactions Derail Agreement

Speaker 1 6:20

something and I wrote it down so I could bring it to you guys. The human propensity for defensive and reactive behavior is one reason so many negotiations fail when agreement would otherwise make sense. Like, doesn't that make so much sense? No pun intended. The human nature, it's human nature. It's l I mean you could go as far as to say, yo, it's like damn near in our DNA. To get defensive first and reactive first. Whether it's triggered, whether it's warranted, some might even say. Some things are warranted, right? Some reactions are warranted, some defensive behavior is warranted. And that's just one reason. And negotiations oftentimes fail. Trying to reach an agreement, it fails sometimes, even before it starts. Because someone's getting defensive. And someone is reactive. And even though reaching some sort of agree an agreement could make sense, it would be beneficial, we're not even able to get that far. Oftentimes, because somebody's not taking accountability. Sometimes it's even both people not taking accountability. And that's where that's what I want to bring us back to, to remind us that if you are able to, and it just sucks, and that's what it's come to, right? It's like someone always feels like they have like them taking accountability is them having to be the bigger person. That's what that's how our minds work. If I'm taking accountability, in my mind, I'm being the bigger person. I'm biting the bullet, I'm turning the other cheek. It's not, oh, this is what I'm supposed to be doing. That's not what it is. That's not what it is. As much as I've preached that to you guys, I don't, I think this is the first time I'm saying that. I think so. I think this is the first time that's come to me. It's it's never really because that's just how I am as a person now. That's never really what it is. It's typically, oh, I'm taking accountability because someone has to. I'm taking accountability oftentimes. And even me. That's listen, that's the truth. Even me, bro. Oftentimes I find myself taking accountability because I know it's something I should do. I know it's something that'll help. I understand that take, and this is not a bad thing, it's just the truth. My truth, as someone might say, right? I will find myself taking accountability because I recognize that when one party is able to take accountability, oftentimes the other party is able to as well. That's also human nature. If if you come at somebody with fire, you come at somebody, you know, sideways, as we would say. You pressing somebody, right? What's what's the human propensity? What's the human nature there? The person will get defensive and reactive, right? Me coming at you is reactive. And what am I reacting to? Something I feel you did wrong, something I heard you say, something I know you did. I'm gonna react. That's my reactive behavior. And then what are you gonna do? You're gonna be defensive. Whether it's a physical altercation. Now you're defending yourself, right? Verbal uh beratement, right? I'm verbally now berating you, cursing at you, yelling at you. You're defending yourself now verbally. You may even be, you know, backing up, telling me to back off. We're not solving the issue here. So even if it's something that's like completely like we really could work this thing out, that's that's not the focus.

Speaker 10:28

It should be, but that's not the focus.

Speaker 1 10:34

And so I think that's well, I've obviously I think that's that's where the focus should be. And like for the people that actually listen to this podcast, I really pray that something that's said or that has been said has helped you, excuse me, has helped you in some way, shape, or form. Because the truth is, if I could just help one person the way God has helped me to like start to think in this way, then it's not in vain. But if not one single person is helped by anything that I've said, I guess specifically pertaining to the accountability series here, bro, it's like pointless, right? But I I know I because I know this thing was given to me by God, and so I know there's at least one, if it's just one person, somebody has received and understood and began to implement it into their life. There is somebody out there who is no longer looking to be right. There was a time where you always wanted to be right. Every argument, you want to be right, and I know some of those people. I was one. But there's there's somebody who has has listened to something from this podcast. I swear God has given me these words to speak. Some directly from God. I'm talking about in the form of, you know, verbatim, giving it to me, and I write it down and give it to you. Right? And some of it just inspiration through through my day-to-day. I get inspired. I've I've always mentioned I'm inspired by so many of you guys, so many people. Conversations I'm having on a daily basis. I was talking to one of my brothers yesterday. Shout out to my dog, man. I man, some special things are gonna come from that conversation. Inspiration. I've I've I gained inspiration from you guys as well. And so if it's just one person, bro, who used to be quick to be defensive and be quick to be reactive. I I just pray that somebody has been able to now start to look at things a

What If You Are The Problem

Speaker 1 12:55

little differently. What if I am the problem? Yo, what if you're the problem, bro? What if you're the problem? What if it's not always someone else? I just I recently got um was reminded of uh a video I did back in like 2022 or 2023, and it was about the a post I saw on social media, air quotes whatever you lose from telling your truth is not a loss, it's a lesson. Some of y'all might remember that. That's such foolishness, bro. That's such a cop-out. Like, I really want to tell you what I feel like that is, but you know, I got some saints listening in here. And me myself, I'm I'm a becoming saint as Paul describes it. I'm becoming a saint. But like, yes, that's such foolish, that's such BS, bro. You know what I'm saying? Whatever I look so like, yo, what like really? Whatever you lose, like it don't matter what it is, or whatever the situation was, doesn't matter how much you added to it, doesn't matter whether or not it was your fault, whether you were the cause, you were like 95% the problem in that situation. You lost that person, or you lost that job, or you lost that relationship, you lost that thing, whatever that thing was. Like, so that thing that you lost that you shouldn't have lost, that person that you lost that you shouldn't have lost, it's not a loss anymore. Just because you told your truth, that's your truth, whatever it was, and you violated somebody because you felt like that was your truth, and you lost that person, and so now it's just a lesson, it's not a loss, it's just a lesson. That's BS, bro. That's a cop out. You're the problem. You're the problem. You know how many, you know how many uh families I've seen ruined by somebody's actions, and like to this day, you'll never get that person that you'll that you'll never hear that person apologize, bro. You'll never hear that person apologize, take accountability, but they will swear up and down, like why they are the way they are with this family member. And it don't matter what it is, like they'll blame the other family members for everything, bro. I know somebody, it's like we all got that one person in our family that's like that. It it ain't no, it ain't their fault, it's everybody else's fault, but theirs. That's such BS, bro. You got people dying alone now. People are dying alone because they've alienated everybody from their life. Everybody was always the problem, couldn't get along with nobody, and now you pass, you know, sorry to hear and sorry to say, but then you got family members, don't even want to show up to your funeral. Nobody even nobody wants to come out of pocket. God forbid you didn't have no life insurance, no, no, no, no plan for that. And now nobody wants to come out of pocket. So you got the most sorry sorry funeral known to man. No headstone, no grave care. And like I'm not speaking down on the you know not being able to put a headstone and stuff, because that stuff is expensive, but like you got some family members who would do it for certain ones, but like it was for you, it was for them. And nah, because of the life you lived, the life you led, yeah. Family members are just like, eh. Don't got no friends for real. Just sad, bro. And some people are okay with that. I realized I wasn't. You go look back and see

When Pride Leaves People Alone

Speaker 1 16:40

all these episodes, these chronicles I've done, you recognize I'm not okay with that, right? That's how yo, God rest my father's soul. That's how my dad died, bro. My dad died, and I pray that like he figured it out in those last few, you know, moments he had alive, like figured it out with God for real. You know, my aunt talks about it all the time. I'm I love my aunt, God bless her, about how yeah, maybe this is too much information, but hey, this is my truth. This is my podcast, right? I gotta tell my this is my life. Um yeah, she talks about it all the time. That like she was there toward it. I wasn't. I wasn't real. I went and visited him a few times in the hospital, but he and I didn't have a relationship because of the past. That's the truth, and the way he treated me and my family growing up, and then as time went on, like there was no relationship. Like I for I forgave him for a lot of the stuff he did, you know, wrong and stuff. Growing up as a son without a father for real. I forgave him for a lot of that stuff, you know, into my adult years, 20, 21, but like, eh, now you're on your deathbed, and I felt nothing. I feel more now, and I think back to the past about like what could have been. And as a man now who's 33, as a father, as a husband, right? I see a different side of it than I did when I was 21. When I was 20, when I was 18 and rebellious, and wasn't trying to hear nothing, nobody could talk to me. I think about it now differently. But back then, yeah, I didn't care. Because in my mind, he didn't care. So why should I? That was my mentality. When you're a child, you think as a child, the Bible says, right? I was a child. Now let me sidestep here. Why are there still adults who still have that kind of thinking? Oh, hold it now. Hold it now. Have you not grown up? Have you not grown up? Ooh, I feel I oh Lord, I feel something right there. We're 19 minutes in. 18 minutes and 55 seconds was Eon. That might have came from the Lord directly just now. Have you not grown up? Have you not yet grown up? Are you still a child? Ooh, I feel that one. I feel the Lord asking somebody, are you still a child? And if you're not, why are you still acting like one? We claim we're grown, and we grown in almost every single way. Why is that? Oh Lord, we're going somewhere here. We like yo, I never seen so many grown-ups in my life. Even kids want to be grown-ups, right? And we brag about what having our own. We brag about how much money we make, because that's that's what makes us grown. How much money we make, right? You got your own cribs, how many houses do you have? How many investments do you have? You know, what have you done, you know, in the community? And and and how many people have you, you know, done this for and made money for, or whatever it is, and that like whatever we grow in every way. Why are we still children? As it pertains to our accountability. When I was a child, I thought as a child, are you still a child? And God forbid, uh an older person, you know, one of our elders, call us a child. So some people in church don't you don't even want to be called a young person no more. Because we grown, right? Well, why are we so childish when it comes to taking accountability? When it comes to looking in the mirror. Why are we so childish when it comes to these things? Accountability series. I thank the Lord for bringing this right back to me.

Romans 1 And Lacking Understanding

Speaker 1 21:13

My Bible is open to Romans chapter 1. And with all the stuff that's in here, and there's so much like that I really want to touch on like at a later date. I have it written down, and it just really hasn't come to me to really dive into this joint. But the the the Bible starts talking about in Romans 1, it starts talking about how we didn't and don't retain God in our knowledge. So God is giving so many people over to a reprobate mind to do those things which are not convenient, then it lists all of those things that are not convenient, which is not good, not of God, that people. Find themselves doing and wanting to do. Unrighteousness, fornication, wickedness, covetousness, full of envy, murder, malignity, whisperers, backbitters, haters of God, despitefully proud, boasters, inventors of evil things. Whew. Hold up now. I ain't going there. Disobedient to parents. Hold up now. Sound like a child to me. Sound like a child to me. Without understanding. That's verse 31. Without understanding. Without understanding. That's the one that just because I was reading that before I got on here with you. That's what sticks out to me that matches what we're talking about. Without understanding. So must feel like we have all wisdom. All wisdom. But I heard the Bible in Proverbs somewhere talk about in all thy getting of wisdom, in all thy getting of knowledge, make sure you get understanding to go with it. Oh Lord help me. How I perceive that. You know, IQ. And I could continue to explain, but I think that's simple enough to simplify it. Wisdom now is like, I guess you can get knowledge here by yourself, right? But wisdom comes from God. You can like you can wisdom can be increased by doing nothing. I don't think knowledge can necessarily, right? Maybe, you know, and I'm sure someone will have a different interpretation. As I sit here with the word of God in front of me, that's what's coming to me. But knowledge, the way I perceive knowledge, or better yet, understanding. Like some people might be able to like explain something. You have the knowledge to pass a test. But you may not understand conceptually how to do something the way someone else might, who probably didn't score as well on that test. To be able to apply something in the real world in real time when it matters. That's understanding. Lord help me. That's understanding. When you understand something, I heard the Bible Jesus say something about hearing, they'll hear.

Speaker 24:51

But they won't understand. Oh man. So so are are we really grown?

Speaker 1 25:07

Are we still still drinking milk? Have we not moved on fully? We want to eat a state, but we want to wash it down with milk. Alright. Without understanding. And it goes on, gives a few more things. Covenant breakers, and you know, without natural affection, don't get me started there. Unmerciful. Jesus, have mercy. So, like some people are unmerciful. And watch this. Who knowing the judgment of God, that they which commit such things are worthy of death. And we don't got we're not gonna we don't gotta go into that. Not only do they do the same things, but they have pleasure in them that do them. Oh Lord help me. Yo, the last time I preached a message was last week. I preached at my church. The topic was come out from among them. Come out from among them. That was the topic. And if you were there, you were there. But a lot of those things I just listed here in Romans 1, these are the things we need to come out from among. Lack of understanding, come out from among that. I heard the Bible also say for those of you that lack wisdom, right? So let's pair wisdom, knowledge, and understanding. If you lack those things, pray and ask the Lord for it. And even the book smarts that you can attain by studying and reading, going to school, pray and ask God to help you with that, and He will. But this part really hits me, that verse 32. Not only do some of us do these things, not only do some of us lack understanding, but we have pleasure in people who also lack understanding. Some of us who lack accountability. You see where we're going, right? You see how we got here? Some of us who lack accountability, not only do we lack accountability, that's a choice, by the way. That's a choice. I'll tell you how I know that in a second. That's a choice. Not only do some of us lack accountability, but we take pleasure in them that do the same. We take pleasure, we find pleasure, we surround ourselves with people who will not hold us accountable. And for the ones that do, we don't want to be aligned with them. Somebody calls you out, you take such offense to it, we've gone here before. Somebody could love me from the depths of their soul and have proven it time and time again that they are in my corner. But when I do something wrong, and they tell me about myself, I don't like it. I talk about my truth, I stand my ground about how I feel about a search a situation, whether I'm right or wrong. And somebody who loves me, who has been there for me my whole life, will call me out and tell me I'm wrong. Tell me I did something wrong, tell me I need to apologize. And I'm willing to lose that person. I'm willing to allow that person now for our relationship to become distant and to chalk it up to how people grow apart from each other. Oh, that's some BS. That's some foolishness, boy.

Speaker 29:16

That's some foolishness.

Speak Your Truth Without Toxicity

Speaker 29:24

That's some foolishness.

Speaker 1 29:28

Listen, uh a message does not have to be unequivocal. That that means leaving no doubt, right? Entirely clear. Um, one possibility. It it doesn't have to be entirely unequivocal. Uh to be clear and effective. And I'm I'm reading something here. I just wrote a typo. In many cases, helping the other side, the other party, the other person involved understand your thinking, even when you two are at odds, watch this. Even when you're of different minds, you're on different ends of the spectrum, right? So you believe one thing, the other person believes something else. A message doesn't have to be, you know, and mind you, like you giving your perspective. It doesn't have to be, you know, 100% fact, unequivocal. In order for it to clear up misconceptions or misperceptions. It doesn't have to you can speak your mind. You can give your truth. The problem is a lot of us want to do that and then walk away. That's the problem. We we wanna do, we wanna speak our truth, we wanna speak our mind, we wanna tell our side of the story, and we call that standing on business. We tell somebody about about themselves and how we feel about what they did, and how and to the point, and some of us might even go as far as to say, yo, we don't even care what you gotta say about it. We gonna give somebody that and then we blocking them. That's because we don't want to give them a chance to tell us about ourselves. That's what you that's toxicity. That's toxic. That's that that's toxic. That's toxic. And so we we gotta get to a place. You know, I don't I don't want to just keep beating a dead horse, right? We we've gotta get to that place. And maybe it's conversations like these maybe maybe it's conversations like these constant, right? Because the truth is when we think about being children or having mentors, people that care about us. We a lot of times we have to hear something more than once, right? Gotta hear something more than once. Somebody who cares enough has to say something to us in order for us to get it, you know, and so that's the goal here. That's the goal here. Um, gotta just get at least be okay, get into a place where we can hear each other out. You know, and that's like what's driven my life's mission here with being a mediator. I wanted to help people talk to each other. That simply. I feel like I've grown a lot in that area where I'm able to talk things through with people, whether it's a disagreement we have, right? And I wanted to help people do the same because I see a void, right? So we've got to get to a place where we find that we understand that, yo, my truth may not be a fact, or my truth may be the 100% truth, right? That that same episode I referenced about, you know, my truth and stuff. Like there are some times where your truth is also the truth. There, there, yeah, that's that there's there's times like that. Or the other party, their truth is the truth, right? And so we gotta be okay in both scenarios. I know I'm telling the truth, or I know I did something wrong also, but I do feel a way about what you did. We gotta be okay talking about

Ego, Wars, And Closing Challenge

Speaker 1 34:15

that. I I wrote this thought down a long time ago about like, I wonder how many wars could have been avoided by you know both parties, you know, I guess the determining parties, the people who, the powers that be who decide, all right, we're going to war, or we're gonna bomb this country, or we're gonna do this and do that. I wonder how many of those things could have been avoided, you know, if this person's ego wasn't in the way, or that person's pride wasn't the problem. You know? I really wonder that sometimes, man. How many relationships could be restored, families restored, if if folks could just get out of themselves, or you know, just take a step back and listen and take accountability. But, you know, uh, I guess until that happens, we'll continue to have something to talk about, won't we? I guess we'll continue to have something to talk about because this is the Moral Compass Chronicles, and uh hey, this is uh how we see it, right? It's how we see it, and we'll continue to have this conversation. But I I am grateful for you, you know, the one person, you know, that one person who hears this conversation constantly and is saying to themselves, you know what, it's helpful, you know, because I know what you know, I'll tell you what, just having these conversations have been helpful to me. Um, as far as take being able to take accountability, practicing what I find myself preaching has been helpful to me, and I pray it has been helpful to someone else. So you go ahead, man, go forward, go forward. Let's be a little less toxic each day that comes. Let's take a little bit more accountability each day that we can while we have the opportunity to do that. All right, I love you. I appreciate you listening, man, and until next time, you already know this is the Moral Compass Chronicles.