Why Perfectionism Traps You Between Pride and Shame (And How Grace Sets You Free) | 024

My website:  https://leneepezzano.com

Book: You Will Make Mistakes

Scriptures: 1 Corinthians 10:5, Psalm 139:14, Psalm 14:3, Romans 3:10, Romans 5:8, Psalm 118:5-9, Ephesians 2:1, Matthew 10:31

Have you ever noticed how quickly “I failed” turns into “I am a failure”?

In this powerful episode of The Redeemed Perfectionist, Leneé Pezzano unpacks the subtle but dangerous shift perfectionists make—from behavior to identity—and why that shift sends your nervous system into fight-or-flight.

If you’re a high-achieving Christian woman who swings between pride when you succeed and shame when you don’t… this episode is for you.

You’ll learn:

• Why perfectionism is really about identity, not behavior
• How pride and shame are two sides of the same performance-based mindset
• What Scripture says about boasting, humility, and grace
• How to calm your body using a simple vagus nerve breathing practice
• Why grace isn’t just forgiveness—it’s the power to stop striving

Leneé walks you through biblical truth from Galatians, Romans, Psalms, and more to show how your worth was settled by Christ—not your performance. If you’re exhausted from living on the pendulum of achievement and self-criticism, this conversation will help you step off entirely.

Because your value is not on trial.
 God is not grading you—He is growing you.

✨ Subscribe and come back anytime you need to breathe, reset, and let grace speak louder than your inner critic.

#ChristianPerfectionism #FaithAndMentalHealth #GraceOverPerformance #IdentityInChrist #ChristianWomen

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Transcript

Why Perfectionism Traps You Between Pride and Shame (And How Grace Sets You Free) | 024

My website:  www.leneepezzano.com (under construction 🚧 but accessible!)

Scriptures in this episode: 2 Corinthians 10:5, Psalm 139:14, Psalm 14:3, Romans 3:10, Romans 5:8 Psalm 118:5-9, Ephesians 2:1, Matthew 10:31. 

[00:00:00] There's a subtle but dangerous shift that happens in the mind of a perfectionist. And if it's small, it's sometimes unnoticeable. I failed. And that becomes I am a failure. And when that shift happens, something else shifts too. It's in your body. Your body responds like it's under attack. Your heart rate changes, your shoulders tighten, your breathing shortens, and you move into protection mode.

And it's not because you're dramatic and it's not because you're weak, but what's happening is your brain is interpreting identity threat as danger. So, before we unpack the belief 

[00:01:00] and we talk about scripture and humility and grace, we're gonna calm the body that's been carrying all of that. I wanna start today's episode a little differently.

There was a 2018 study published by Frontiers in Physiology, and what they found is that when we slow our breath and we make the exhale longer than the inhale, it stimulates the vagus nerve. And that will increase parasympathetic activity where our nervous system is responsible for rest and relaxation. And this kind of breathing can slow the heart rate and help the brain feel safe, not threatened.

And that's a big deal because in the world we live in today, there's so much around us that it thrusts us into fight, flight, or freeze. And when we're in that state of mind, we can't receive God's truth. 

[00:02:00] We can't receive the connection to His Spirit the way that we can if we're much more relaxed. So, I'm gonna start today with a little exercise where we're gonna breathe in slowly, then make our exhale longer than our inhale.

Now, I think if you're driving, you should be able to do this, or if you're cleaning house or whatever it is you're doing, obviously ideally, if you pause, stop what you're doing and join in on this, it's ideal, but I don't think it's necessary. But just be safe, whatever you're doing. Okay, take a deep breath slowly for 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. Now, slowly exhale. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8. 

Let's do that again. Inhale. 1, 2, 3,4, 5 

[00:03:00] and exhale 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8.

If you participated in that exercise, you probably already feel calmer. I might even suggest you do it just a couple more times but just sit with that a moment and pay attention right now. How are you feeling? What are you hearing? What are you experiencing throughout your body?

The Lord led me to this reality a few weeks ago. I, I swear to you, it's been a game changer. When I did it, I immediately noticed a difference in my body.

And after three times of doing it, 

[00:04:00] I was completely present. My brain felt clear, my emotions decreased, objectivity increased. And every time I do this, I find that it allows me to be more able to listen and hear God hear his truth, none of which I can do, like I said, in the state of fight or flight and, and now it's almost a habit.

As soon as I start to feel anxious or stressed, I literally just start breathing like this. It's kind of for me, the initial steps of taking captive every thought and making it obedient to Christ. That's that principle that we learn of in 2 Corinthians 10:5. This sets me up to be able to do that, because if I'm trying to do that intellectually, it's not gonna work when my subconscious is in a state of fight or flight.

But if I get into a very clear place. 

[00:05:00] Now I can actually apply God's word and see it become incredibly effective. So, I encourage you to try it out this week and let me know how it worked for you. 

MUSIC 

Picture this with me. It's 10:00 PM. The house is finally quiet. Everybody's asleep, and there you are still at your laptop. You've already done the work. It's good. It's actually more than good, but you're tweaking and adjusting and rereading and fixing one last detail. Your eyes are heavy. Your back aches, but you just can't quite shut it down because if you get this just right, it proves something -- that you're capable, that you're competent, that you're worthy.

Morning comes and even though 

[00:06:00] you're exhausted, that small buzz of accomplishment carries you into the day. And as you drive, you imagine the response, the praise, the recognition, and without even realizing it, you start measuring yourself, stacking your worth against reactions and outcomes and comparisons.

And this is where the perfectionist's pendulum starts to swing when the praise comes. There's that quiet surge of pride. See, I can do this. I'm okay. But when the recognition doesn't come or somebody else's work gets noticed, instead the pendulum swings hard in the other direction, straight into self-doubt, straight into shame.

I should have done better. I am not enough. Pride when you hit the 

[00:07:00] mark, shame when you miss it. Do you feel seen? If you have lived on that pendulum long enough, you know how exhausting it is. It doesn't just show up at work. It shows up in parenting, in friendships, in ministry. Even in your walk with God, you push yourself to meet the highest standard, and then the moment that you don't, the voice in your head gets really loud.

You should have done more. You should have been better. You end up tired and tense and constantly measuring yourself, and somewhere along the way the conclusion quietly shifts from. I failed, to I am a failure. And this is usually where a lot of us say, oh yeah, I totally get that. Hey sis, welcome back to the Redeemed perfectionist.

I'm your host, Lenee’ Pezzano 

[00:08:00] and the I Am A Failure Song is one that I am no longer willing to sing about myself. And I'm on a mission to help you stop singing it too. In today's episode, I'm going to unpack why perfectionism isn't really about behavior -- it's about identity. We're gonna take a look at how subtle beliefs about worth keep us striving and why God never intended you to carry that weight, and how humility and grace offer a different, freeing way to live.

And if you haven't subscribed yet, this is your invitation. Not because you should, but because this becomes a place you can come back to again and again. Think of it as a way to armor up with truth as you're getting ready in the morning or driving to work or just sitting with your journal open, ready to breathe, listen, and let grace speak louder than that inner critic. 

[00:09:00] Honestly, you might not even realize you've believed certain lies about yourself. I didn't either until God gently revealed it to me. In my book, You Will Make Mistakes, in chapter 8, starting on page 63, I list several examples of how shame sounds. Shame says that I am a mistake. God says that he created me on purpose.

Psalm 139:14, shame says, I am bad and therefore can never be worth anything. God says that there's no one good, yet He died for all. Psalm 14:3, Romans 3:10 and Romans 5:8. Shame says man's opinion defines my worth. God says His opinion of me trumps all others. Psalm 118:5 through 9, shame says I am unlovable,

[00:10:00] God says He died for me even when I was living in my transgressions and that I am more valuable than many sparrows. Ephesians 2:1  and Matthew 10:31. He loves me regardless of my status. So, to continue to live in shame means one must believe his or her worth is defined by someone or something else other than the Lord.

And that of course, we know is not the Gospel.

It is amazing to me how one small shift between two statements like I failed versus I'm a failure says everything about how we see ourselves and about how we understand our identity in Him. Now, I do wanna pause here. Because this isn't actually about behavior, it's about belief, like I said, and it's a quiet one.

[00:11:00] It's, it's a learned one and it's often one that made sense at the time. It's that belief that says, my worth rises and falls based on my performance. But I wanna be very clear, there is nothing wrong with affirming yourself. It is okay to say I worked hard and I did that really well. And it's okay to feel proud of your effort and your growth and your obedience and for many of us who have lived under like constant self-criticism.

Learning to speak kindly to ourselves is a part of healing. It's not pride, it's not sin. I mean, it can become that, but generally speaking, we actually need more of that because we didn't have enough of it growing up. Self, self-affirmation is not a problem. The question becomes, what is the affirmation doing for you?

Right? Is it encouragement? 

[00:12:00] Is it emotional oxygen? I know that's what it's been for me. Is it healthy acknowledgement or is it holding your sense of worth together? Because that pendulum between pride when things go well and shame when they don't is actually what scripture calls a form of boasting, and we know love does not boast.

And I know that might sound strong, especially if you didn't feel prideful at all, but just stay with me for a second. We think of boasting as bragging. It isn't just bragging.  Boasting biblically is placing confidence in yourself.  It's locating your worth in your performance. So, when pride shows up, the focus quietly shifts to what you did.

I nailed it. I proved myself. I'm good. And when shame shows up, the focus is still on. You just inverted. I failed. I should have done better. I'm not enough. 

[00:13:00] Do you see that both pride and shame keep the spotlight. On your performance, and both assume your value rises or falls based on what you produce. And that's why it's a form of boasting.

Not because you're arrogant, not because you're self-obsessed, but because your identity is being measured by your works. And the gospel says your identity was settled by Christ. So, when pride shows up, the focus quietly shifts to what you did. And when shame shows up, the focus is still on what you didn't do.

So, either way, the weight stays on you and God and his kindness steps in and says, daughter, that's too heavy for you. I don't want you to live in that bondage anymore.

And before your inner critic jumps in right now and starts to criticize you and lead to self-condemnation, I wanna say this clearly, you didn't choose this pattern because you're prideful. You learned it because at some point, 

[00:14:00] approval felt safer than rest. God is not exposing anything to shame you. He reveals things in us.

To help relieve us of weight we weren't supposed to carry. It's kind of like an invitation. Biblical humility is not thinking less of yourself. It's stepping off of the pendulum entirely but not denying growth and not rejecting affirmation. It is refusing to let affirmation replace grace.

Now if you need a refresher on what grace really is, I would encourage you to go back and listen to episode five. I unpack that more deeply in that episode, but let me just say simply here in Galatians, Paul was writing to the believers who had started in grace, but then slowly started to drift back into performance or the law, if you will.

[00:15:00] They began believing that faith in Jesus was not enough and that they had to add something to it. So, more rules, more proving, basically more religious effort. And Paul essentially says, Hey, why are you going back to try to earn what was given to you freely? He reminds them that nobody is justified by works.

Not then, and certainly not now. And I remember when that hit me personally. I didn't realize that in my perfectionism I was basically doing the same thing, not trying to earn salvation 'cause I had already received that by faith. But I certainly was trying to earn security in the Lord, trying to justify my worth by my performance.

And then of course, grace comes and gently says, Hey, you weren't meant to carry that. You are standing with God was settled by faith, not by flawless execution. And then here's the part we sometimes miss. 

[00:16:00] Grace isn't just the doorway to salvation. It's the power that sustained you afterward.

And when I say power, I'm not talking about hype or emotion or how you feel. I mean, the actual ability given by the Spirit to live differently. That power that helps us respond differently to be able to rest, to be able to stop striving where we used to strive. Grace isn't just about forgiveness. It's empowering us to do what we were not able to do before in our own strength.

It's that quiet strength that lets you approach God when you would've hidden, and it's that internal shift that allows you to receive instead of prove. That's why He says, you can approach my throne of grace in your time of need. 

So, it isn't just a one-time thing - salvation, it's a power. It's a reality that we have to return to time and time again. 

[00:17:00] And so, the, the humility is to pivot and acknowledge that truth and begin to believe it, and begin to choose to receive that truth and then allow Him to help change our heart and help us receive and replace the lie with that truth. That's a process.

So let me offer a few practices that maybe can help you. These are not meant to be rules, certainly not meant to be fixes necessarily, but just invitations. Start to notice it. I mean, if there's anything in today's message that's waking you up, pay attention to that. And when you feel the pendulum swing, just notice it and just name it without judgment.

Like, okay, there's the voice again, tying my worth to performance. So, awareness, right? That's kind of step one. If you have to do your little breathing exercise, do it because then 

[00:18:00] you can replace the belief with truth, not with pressure, not with your own effort. But that reclining posture that says, I need to receive God's truth here, the fact that my worth was settled before today ever began, and you don't even have to feel it yet.

It, it doesn't always happen that way. It, it kind of takes a minute for it to get from your head to your heart, but you choose to agree with what God already says and when you feel proud of something you've done. Thank God you know God. Thank you for helping me show up today. Thank you for helping me do the work. Thank you for the giftings and talents you placed in me. But I also thank you that my value is not based on how I perform with those things.

The freedom that you and I need and often are looking for doesn't come from swinging harder on the pendulum. It's gonna come when we step off that pendulum 

[00:19:00] entirely and we let God carry what he never asked us to hold to begin with.

All right, let me just summarize everything that you heard today. Perfectionism is not really about behavior - it's about identity. It's about that subtle shift from, “I failed,  to “I am a failure,” and when that shift happens your body reacts like you're under threat, right?

That's where you tighten and you strive, and you're gonna swing between pride and shame, and that pendulum does what? It keeps the focus on you, what you did, or what you didn't do, how you measured up. But the gospel says that your identity was never meant to hang on your performance. Your worth was settled.

Before today ever began, you don't have to prove you're capable. You don't have to secure that you're worthy, and you don't have to carry what grace already carried. 

[00:20:00] So when pride or shame show up, I recommend you pause. I recommend you breathe. Just notice it, name it, and gently remind yourself that your value is not on trial.

God is not grading you, He is growing you, and that is very different. And friend. This is not a one-time revelation. This is something that you are going to need to return to probably time and again.

And if today's episode stirred something in you, I really would love for you to stay near. You can subscribe. That way you don't miss anything that we're building here. Trying to build a steady rhythm of truth so you can come back to it when that pendulum keeps swinging. If you do wanna go deeper. You could grab my book, You Will Make Mistakes where I do unpack these shame narratives in much more detail and walk you through some really foundational truths that can help you replace them. You can actually get a free chapter one from my website, leneepezzano.com. That's L-E-N-E-E

[00:21:00]P-E-Z-Z-A-N O.com and I'll drop the link in the show notes. And if you are creating community, a place where women are learning to step off that pendulum together, come join us inside the RredeemedPperfectionist Facebook community and let's practice grace together. But listen, wherever you are right now, let me leave you with this.

You are not your last mistake. You are not your latest outcome and you're not the sum of your performance. You are held. You are loved, and you're already enough, and I will meet you back here next time.