Mystical Misfits with Courtney and Phil
Welcome to The Mystical Misfits, a journey into the heart of mysticism, self-discovery, and spiritual connection. Here, we believe that everyone has the power to be their own mystic, as they begin to trust their intuition, embrace their own unique path, and recognize that we are all divinely connected to each other and to the universe.
In each episode, we explore the deeper layers of spiritual life, from the transitting sky above, energy work, and human experience. Our goal is to help you feel loved, supported, and seen by the cosmos, as we all align with the rhythms of the planets and the wisdom of your own soul.
Whether you're new to mysticism or a seasoned seeker, The Mystical Misfits invites you to tune in, relax, and connect with a community of kindred spirits. Let's decode the stars, tap into our highest selves, and embrace the magic that’s always around us.
Come as you are, and let's make sense of the mystical world together.
Mystical Misfits with Courtney and Phil
Overcoming Your Inner Saboteur
The space between who we are and who we could be – that's where the magic happens. In this deeply resonant conversation, we explore how breaking free from our habitual patterns requires both awareness and courage.
Have you ever noticed yourself responding to situations like a predictable wind-up toy? We unpack how these patterns often trace back to childhood wounds, creating unconscious behaviors that limit our capacity for joy and connection. Through personal stories about protective shells and heart-opening practices, we discover that true transformation begins when we recognize these patterns without judgment.
The conversation weaves through metaphors of movies, relationships, and nature.
What patterns are you ready to break free from today? Join us in this exploration of becoming more than our habits, more than our wounds, and more than our limitations.
Hi Phil.
Speaker 2:Hi Cardi, You're looking great. I think you have a new hairstyle. It looks really great.
Speaker 1:Oh, thank you. Every day it looks different. I didn't do anything different, it just looks different every single day. But I did wash it before I came on the call, so that's always a good thing. So, thank you, but it does look different, right, it does look a little fuller, looks a little healthier, and I've done nothing. I um who knows who knows, but hat and happy new moon. It's, it's um a new moon. New moon today. Well, yesterday but I can feel the energy shift and it feels bright, feels brighter.
Speaker 2:And of course it's spring, so you can hear the birds singing and things are coming alive. It's nice.
Speaker 1:Yeah. So that's an interesting question because where I lived we have birds all year round, and what a gift that is actually. But I'm wondering, and there's certain flowers that pop up new, but it's not like spring in the Northeast, where it's going from nothing to these, just blossoms, and what's interesting about that is how much the blossoms come out before all the other flowers. But what about where you live, like in California? Do you get more birds? Do you get more flowers?
Speaker 2:I noticed the birds. I just think they're just more active, they're louder, I hear more of them. The sun comes up earlier. That's something I notice. The days are longer and I do see that when there are buds or there's new growth, there's just more of it. So you see those new green leaves on things and there's a lot of them. So, yeah, we're blessed here too with the weather. It's, you know, always so nice. And I also see the mommy birds protecting their nests. So I see these birds always quarreling with the crows and they're very active, you know, with them because they don't want these crows anywhere near their nests. So I I see a lot of that going on too.
Speaker 1:It's so interesting. I just saw we just saw the movie Legend of Ochi. Have you heard of this movie?
Speaker 2:No.
Speaker 1:I didn't ever hear of this movie either, but my daughter was saying something about movies and all of a sudden I ended up looking at the movies and I ended up seeing this movie and that's what it was about. It was about humans and then these animals called Ochi's, and then humans hurting the Ochi's and the and the Ochi's hurting the humans and the protection like what it protecting protecting our own, and then the fear of the other. So that's so interesting, right Cause, that's. It was like one of those movies that it would have been made 20 years ago or 30 years ago or 40 years ago. It wasn't the kind of movie that they make now.
Speaker 2:It was really interesting never heard of it I I know it was very interest it made you know, how you used to go see a movie.
Speaker 1:You ever go see a movie back when you were 30 years ago, let's say 30 years ago, and you would walk out see a movie. You ever go see a movie back when you were 30 years ago, let's say 30 years ago and you would walk out of the movie theater and you would be thinking, yes, oh yeah, that's the kind of movie it is, because you're like, not much was said, it was slow, and but it got you thinking and I thought, wow, maybe, maybe there's too much information in movies. Now they want you to, they want to fill in all the space for you yes, you're right it.
Speaker 2:It's funny that I can see these big spectacle movies with all kinds of out of this world special effects and I can walk out of the theater and not really be able to remember what the plot was, what actually happened wait, that's true.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and this movie, that was not like that. I couldn't stop thinking about it. I woke up in the morning, I thought about it and I just keep on thinking about it and it reminded me of when I was younger and I would go see a movie, and just the specialness of going to see a movie.
Speaker 2:Yes, it was a big deal. When I remember, I can remember, I can remember. I think the first movie I saw in a movie theater was Mary Poppins in 1964. In 1964. I can remember the experience of being in the movie theater. You know the special sound of the theater, the sound coming out of those big speakers. It was different than anything I'd heard before and of course the screen was big and of course it was a disney movie. So there were all kinds of colorful things going on and really fun music. It really had an impression on a lot of special effects even back then.
Speaker 2:Right it was yes, but the special effects in mary poppins were were hand-built effects and that's why I think I, to this day, still love that movie, because they were doing things without the digital tools that we have today. So all the things that you saw were hand-built. Somehow. You know the sets and you know there was interactions very human yes, yes and that and yeah again.
Speaker 2:That's why I like it so much, because it's you could see how these things were built by hand and put together and constructed with things like wood and steel, and that's not so today.
Speaker 1:It's all digital yeah, and green screens, right, and yeah, there's a there's, there's a miss. It's interesting. I keep on thinking about what we're missing. Not that I can't appreciate what's new, but sometimes. Sometimes we should keep the old, we should appreciate what the art of things, the art of how it's done. But I don't want to stay back in the past or anything, but I do think that when something's great, maybe you don't mess with it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, well, at least we have the ability to look at these things again, you know. So we have an archive of these things, which I think is great.
Speaker 1:So I wonder if, like if you go to film school how you learn because I'm guessing you learn all of the you're not just learning to do it through computerization, right, you would be learning to do it other ways as well. Wouldn't you be studying the whole aspect of it, or would you not be?
Speaker 2:I don't think students would be learning the camera tricks that a lot of filmmakers use, things that happened in the camera, like doing things like going in slow motion and in reverse motion, and all those things that happen in the camera or, you know, in a camera lab, let's say, because all of those things can be done so easily now digitally.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but does something get missed? So, for instance, I have my iPhone and I'm not a great photographer. I'm a really good photographer with my regular camera, like I could see it, I could take a very good picture. My children think quite the opposite. With my camera, they think I'm horrible, that I'm not holding it right, I'm not doing it right, it's hard for me to kind of see it through that lens, and so I think maybe when we, when we, when we were doing something afterwards or fixing something afterwards, there's a piece that might be missing.
Speaker 1:Yes, I, I think, I think you're right this reminded me of a very like a movie back in the day, back in. I'm gonna say I'm trying to think like in the 90s slow. I appreciated the storyline. It made you think they weren't giving you what to think right, they were not putting. And I keep on thinking that with everything I do. Maybe I want too much information to go into it and I'm not giving the people room to figure it out themselves yeah, it's again I.
Speaker 2:I don't, I don't even know if, if today's audiences could to adjust to anything other than what they're used to now, which would be, you know, lots of Digital effects.
Speaker 1:Yeah, well, I mean, this movie had digital effects in it, I think, and the background was definitely digitally affected. It was just that the storyline reminded me of an older movie oh wow, yeah, so I guess it did have the special effects and it had the coloring and it was an animal like. So it was like an animal that was really cute. It almost like, looked like a gremlin very interesting movie, but the storyline was simple.
Speaker 1:It could have been like, you know, like the goonies back in the day oh yeah but not as like with the group, but it's like about a girl and her father and I don't know. I just really liked it anyway just makes me think how the space between kind of Are we missing something with the space between? But I think that's what is so interesting about the new moon, right, because it's all about simplicity and about the simple things.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:I didn't even think about that, but it is about what we appreciate and the simple things in life.
Speaker 2:Mm, hmm, and that we always get a chance to renew. You know that there's there's always a new day and it's amazing that there's there's so much that is possible. In a day. You can go from the depths of despair to the highest experience of joy. You know and you're not sure where the day will take you, but any one day, I think, is like an epic movie in itself, I mean, if you really look at it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, Wait, did you ever see you know? Do you know Parenthood? Yeah, Okay, this is like my favorite quote. Did I tell you this quote? It's like one of those quotes I always use. But it's the grandma. He's all in a bad mood. He is just so talking about like the day from good to bad, to good to bad, and he's just so angry, right, Steve Martin, and the grandmother goes. You know, I've always really liked the roller coaster. It goes up and down and up and down. The merry-go-round is kind of boring and he's just getting angrier and angrier and angrier and it was like the most.
Speaker 2:it's like life is gonna just give you stuff and it's gonna go up and down and up and down and we never know what the day is gonna bring but it is really good to know that you know, if you're really going through it about something, that in the back of your mind, you know that there's a brand new day starting tomorrow, that you can start to make changes outwardly and inwardly.
Speaker 1:Well, you could start right now, right.
Speaker 2:Or start right now.
Speaker 1:That is the most amazing thing. You can go outside and put your feet on the ground. Or, if it's rainy, you can go out in the rain. It could start right. Yeah, I do like that because I always think that just go to sleep, you're having a really good day. Just go to sleep. My friend's father used to say to her when she was a little girl. She used to say you know, it doesn't matter how bad your day is, just go to sleep and you'll wake up and you will feel better. It'll be a new day. But I will say, since we're here and it could change right this moment yes, you don't even have to wait till tomorrow.
Speaker 2:That's right.
Speaker 1:It's like a choice One small choice, one small foot. Really it sounds so simple.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:But it's really not simple because it's like oh my God, I have to fucking get over. Excuse my language, but I have to get over myself. I have to get over myself.
Speaker 2:Yeah, but it's, it's, it asks of us. It's, it's. We're always moving through stuff. We're always moving through stuff, and I think we always want well, I'll speak for myself. I always want, you know, always balance, always ease, no conflict, no stress.
Speaker 1:That's the ideal, right, but that's, you know, that can be a merry-go-round you know, yeah, but there's also, if you're in relationship with people, you're not going to really have that. That's right Because it's like it's just impossible, right, because you have other people's personalities, other people's moods. Maybe, if you're sitting underneath the tree, the Buddha could find peace, and yeah, but I think that even if you're sitting under the tree, you're going to be disturbed. If you're disturbed, right.
Speaker 1:Maybe it's not meant to be easy. Right, I keep on saying that, but maybe when we go to kindergarten we should hurt here. You know, when you work hard for things and when things are difficult, you'll grow and you'll expand and you'll get better. But nothing great ever came from being easy. Nothing great comes out of doing the minimal and being at peace. The great comes when you're in conflict.
Speaker 2:Right, but even if you're trying to avoid those things, it's coming at you because Well, maybe because you're trying to avoid those things. Exactly, it's energy it's moving towards them. Right.
Speaker 1:No, seriously. Maybe that's the problem. Maybe it's because when we're trying to avoid them, you ever notice that when you don't want something, it just does keeps coming at you. Maybe you should move towards the conflict, phil.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and face your fears.
Speaker 1:Do you want to get in a fight with me? No, I don't see you as a very conflicting person. I can't imagine you in any conflict. Actually, you seem pretty. Yeah, I don't see you as a very conflicting person.
Speaker 2:I can't imagine you in any conflict. Actually, you seem pretty yeah well, I I'm not someone who looks for it, for sure, but you know it happens and you're right, it's, it's, it's, isn't. It always comes down to facing your fears and going through it. And then, when you do go through it, it's really not half as bad as your mind makes it. And again, that's it's. That's my experience.
Speaker 1:I can let my mind take me places and it's but I think that our biggest problem is is the preempt to what's going to happen next. Right, the worry and the fear where we're in the moment. We're in the moment, right, there's nothing we can do, it's like the immediacy of it. But I, I, I, I too, like peace, but peace is an interest, I, but peace is an interesting. I think peace is an interesting word because I, yeah, I do everything I can to be my highest self, but I'm very human right, so I have human interactions and I, yeah, and I have to get over myself over and over and over again.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's. I mean, if you wanted to clo through and what you need to process and what you need to confront and overcome.
Speaker 1:Well, it's so interesting because I had I that we're having this conversation, because I had been thinking about triggers. Right, we're, we're in this class and someone's like, oh, you, you weren't there, were you there? I don't know if you were in the group, but it was like, oh, don't put anything in your, in your speech that would trigger somebody. And I thought, oh, I can't get the word out of my head and I thought, well, actually we should want to be triggered, we should want to be bothered, because that is how we grow. And I just thought it was a very interesting and, by the way, I agree that we shouldn't, because that would probably not get us to the next place. But if you want, so, it was not a bad, it was not a bad, it was not bad to say.
Speaker 1:But it's like what you said if you're not uncomfortable, if you're not facing your fears, if you're kind of stagnant, you don't grow. You, if you're not triggered and bothered, then you're not seeing your own emotional stuff. And I will say to you, when you're sitting alone in meditation, you're as bothered as with people. So even if you were to go sit and hide out from people, trust me, that mind of ours is just going to still drive you crazy. I have one of those minds, so I might as well have someone else bring it out. Yeah, yeah, but think about it If we don't get triggered and we don't get bothered, we don't learn about ourselves, right?
Speaker 2:But those those same interactions that we might anticipate as confrontational can sometimes be just the opposite. Interaction you're having could end up calming you down or giving you information, or making you feel supported or in some way making you less stressed out or fearful.
Speaker 1:Did something happen with you, by the way, is there a story that, like you, were worried about that somehow didn't play out the way it was supposed to? I actually I think something about saying the truth is kind of what you're saying, and something about if you say the truth, it kind of does clear the air, right?
Speaker 2:Well, I think one example could be you know, if you're, if you're talking to a therapist and you're talking about something, and they can say something that can turn your whole perception around, you know.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's what I think I do. So I like, when I work with people, I I like I say I put new glasses on people. I I give them a new perspective, like they've seen it this way for so long, and then it's somebody outside themselves.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:That sees it a little differently, or could explain it a little differently, and that people, people, and then all of a sudden it's like, oh my god, I never saw it that way before and it never looks the same.
Speaker 1:Right, right, I think it's why we read books, or watch movies yep or talk to people or have friends that actually want to get us out of our. I think that that's like a good friend will try to speak to you in that way to get, or a therapist will try to get you to see it in a different perspective.
Speaker 2:If you're stuck in a feedback loop, then you're really not getting new information and that can lead to a lot of unwanted feelings, emotions, regrets, thoughts that are just not serving you. Not serving you. They're just a lot of bad energy that you're stirring up within yourself.
Speaker 1:I think we are really our worst In a way. I think we're our worst enemy I keep on thinking about. I mean, this is this new moon and it is all about what you value and your self-worth and your confidence, and part of your confidence comes with how you think about yourself and what you're putting in your brain and how you are approaching anything. And are you coming from a place knowing who you are and your own goodness, or are you not believing in yourself, your own goodness, or are you, or are you not believing in yourself?
Speaker 2:yeah, and I think the, the group that we belong to, is a, I think, a perfect example of that. When you're presenting, you're sharing an idea or a thought or something you believe in and you, you're not sure how it will be received. You're not sure how it will be received. You're not sure if you're communicating what you want and I think I've shared this with you before when I am in that experience where I am sharing, I think one of my big anxieties are you know, am I being understood? Are people getting what I'm trying to say? And once I go through that process and address my fear of doing it and actually do it, then I receive the feedback that makes me think, oh wow. Feedback that makes me think, oh wow. If they're saying that, you know, then I hit the mark right, because that really was what I'm trying to say, and I was worried that maybe people wouldn't. Maybe people would think that wasn't funny, or maybe think people think that's really weird, or they're just don't know what I'm talking about at all and they're very honest.
Speaker 1:I actually think the group is really is one of the greatest groups that I have ever been in, just because they are very honest and they really wish you well, like they want you to. I've never been in a group where people really want you to be better than you were yesterday and everybody raises the bar. But I will say it's so interesting that you worry about that, because to me you're always understood and so there, I think that's such an interesting thing that your fear is there's no reality, actually, no, no judgment over there. There is no like there's our. There are people that I don't always understand, not necessarily in our group, but just in general in life, but that's never been my experience with you. I always think you are very clear on what you're saying. So are you worried about something that's not even true?
Speaker 2:So this is exactly the point. So, yes, it's a phobia, it's something that's in my makeup, it's part of who I am and it's kind of a recurring one. And that's why I think, when I go through this and I go through it again, the phobia diminishes, because right now I'm talking to you and saying that you know I behave a certain way when I go through this experience. But I know that it's a fear, it's a phobia, but prior to this, when I was in it, I wasn't able to look at it in that way because it was too intense, it was too personal. So, yes, you actually did it.
Speaker 1:You were brave. I mean it goes back to being brave and that you took something that you were scared of and did it. And then, after you did it, you could then give feedback. And I think this is the interesting part of anything. I think we all have phobias, we all have fears, and even if we get through them, that little voice will slip back in and say I don't know you ready to go back? I don't know, come on, don't do it again. It'll keep you small and it has a really tricky way of of messing with you.
Speaker 1:And I mean right now, right, because we're at a very we're at that. It's interesting we're talking about this because it's all about breaking habits. It's. We're in that nodal story of are you going to be the lower side of you and be your habits and be that critical self and be worried and fearful, or are you going to kind of let go and flow and show up and do the best you can? And we're in that 18 month cycle of that critic in your head is not meant to be there. It's not true.
Speaker 2:Yes, it's not only not true, but also when you show up and do what you intended to do, then you likely receive benefits and opportunities that you never even thought of, right, so that you just put yourself out there and let people process it, and things happen as a result of that that were not even your attention yeah, well, it makes me think back to the movie that there's a simplicity in it.
Speaker 1:it doesn't. We don't have to know where it's going, we don't have to have all the answers, we just have to kind of start somewhere. I mean, that's not really the movie's point, but yeah, it's like, it's the illusion, it's like the beliefs that are really keep us back.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And in this movie particularly, it really was about overcoming what we believed and what we held on to for so long. He literally there's a metaphor, he like takes off his clothes and it's like there's a custom we wear and a belief we wear, and we're good at it. We're good at playing that part. We're good at saying, well, I can't do that, People won't understand me, but you do it and I missed you last week. I don't like not to see your face. I took on a leadership role you did.
Speaker 1:I did. I was like the toast master and I oh you toast masters and I. I did that and I was scared and I thought oh, I can't do this, and I did it good for.
Speaker 2:Did you like it? Did you enjoy it?
Speaker 1:Yeah, I was a little nervous. Yeah, I thought it was a lot of responsibility just to make sure everything's on time and on task. I liked it better than being a timer. I don't like being a timer and I did like it. I really like everybody, so I feel very blessed to be able to see everybody and to be a part of it. I really like everybody, so I feel very blessed to be able to see everybody and to to be a part of it. And if I could and I tried the best I could and I think that's and I and I did I got to the point. You only have to run half the meeting and I got there and I was like, oh, thank you, and I, you know, I don't even know, but you get through it right. So the nerves before and the worry before, and then you practice and you get better at it, but it is, it's. It's hard to put yourself out there. It's hard to to be brave.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I'm sure you got a lot of supportive feedback and yes, everyone's kind.
Speaker 1:I think that's what's nice, is that everyone? Okay, I was thinking about this because a lot of times you're in groups that are not. It's because because of a problem, let's say so it could, you could stay in that problem. But we're in a group where we all have somewhat of the same problem, right, we have a hard time speaking or fear of speaking, and it improves us, so we're getting better. So it's kind of like we're not stuck. So there's something nice. But it's interesting about support groups, I'll say, because support groups you could end up saying stuck in your problem, where here you're always having to do the job to get over your time, where I don't know if that's true with every other support group that you could be in.
Speaker 2:Right? Well, we, you know the club is designed to stretch yourself, I think, each time you speak. So you're always being pushed forward, pushed forward. So, one way or the other, you're going to push through all these anxious thoughts you have about actually speaking in public. You're always going to be able to push through those fears if you're going to present. So that alone is.
Speaker 1:Yeah Well, and I think what's interesting about this, or with anything, is you get what you put in. So if you're willing to put more effort in and you're willing to sign up for roles, and you're willing to put your time in and work on your speeches and actually give speeches, you will get better.
Speaker 1:And it's so interesting. My, my kids went to nursery school and it was one of the first nursery school that wasn't the case, but the second nursery school. They said, well, if you, if you volunteer and you put in time, your kids see it and they know that it that you what, that it matters to you, right?
Speaker 1:And it's just so interesting because I very much was very involved and I was very helpful. And it's not who I thought I would be, but I was very involved in the school and helping out and making things better. And now I'm watching my children getting older and they're doing the same. They're going into groups and they're being part of things, they're running things, they're being leaders and they're making things better. And so what we, what we put in, it's really that's like hard work, not. If you want something to be great, you have to put the work in and the time it's interesting. So you're gonna be Toastmaster, or were you?
Speaker 2:I've been Toastmaster, I have to sign up again. I'll see. What I usually do is wait to see what roles are still open, and I'll just pick one.
Speaker 1:So maybe you should change it up, maybe think about this Like maybe that's what I keep on playing around with Like how about if I wasn't doing what I did yesterday and I did it completely new? I responded completely differently. How about if I went't doing what I did yesterday and I did it completely new? I responded completely differently. How about if I went a month ahead and pick something I'm not?
Speaker 2:Oh right, right, right, right. You see what?
Speaker 1:I'm saying Because we have habits of being ourselves and we believe them, and so if we do it differently, it's like driving down a different street or using your left hand, it's like changes how you respond. So maybe just sign up for like a month from now for something and just pick what you want, maybe you should get what you want.
Speaker 2:I never thought left over yeah, I never thought of that.
Speaker 1:Maybe you should get what you want and not what's left over right right not be like mr nice guy over there, just fill in the spot, that's there.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:I think it's a good new moon.
Speaker 2:Yes, yes, that's a good point. Good point, I'll look into that.
Speaker 1:That's like if I'm in a bad place, I could choose right now to walk out the door and be happy.
Speaker 2:Mm-hmm. Yes, easier said than done.
Speaker 1:Easier said than done. Yeah, exactly, but I actually think you should, because think about it. Maybe aren't you ever just like well, I'll say for myself sometimes I'm just so sick of being me and like my story about things and I'm just like I can't do it anymore. I have to make a change, because this is just not working. I can't do it. Don't you ever get like that where it's just like no, this is just I can't be crazy.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:I'll be crazy.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, I'll need to look into that, but definitely do Toastmaster again.
Speaker 1:It's been a while, yeah, but think about that. Well, why do you I mean, it's a good question, right Like why do we do anything that we do? I was reading something about Adam and Eve, right, and that Adam, before they ate the apple, they were naked and they didn't think that it was bad to be naked. And then they eat the apple and all of a sudden there's like shame in that. Exactly the same thing happened one moment to the next in what we believe.
Speaker 2:Mm-hmm. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's interesting how someone will say something and for one person it's instantly forgettable, and for another person it might create a wound that lasts them for the rest of their lifetime. You know, it's just, it's just, you just don't know how. It's just, you just don't know how. And I think that's part of why I think so much about you. Know, how is what I'm communicating being received? How is it landing?
Speaker 1:Yeah, but you wait, but you can't, okay, but you can't. So okay, this is so interesting because this goes back to the trigger right. You can't control how everybody else takes it and you could tiptoe and say everything perfectly right and you could still very much offend people right right.
Speaker 1:So I'll say that if, if you say something that really would hurt somebody for the rest of their life, that it's a point that person has to, yeah, take responsibility. It's like blaming your mother for something. You're 40 years old or 50 and you're still blaming your mother.
Speaker 2:That's on you, I mean that's, that's right, that's right, right, sure, I mean.
Speaker 1:Well, I know easier said than done, because people are still blaming their mother.
Speaker 2:And if you're blaming your mother, I'll say you better stop right, yeah, and I, I don't ever not, not you, not you.
Speaker 1:Not you, but whoever is like yeah.
Speaker 2:I don't think that I dwell really on thinking about whether or not what I'm saying will possibly hurt somebody. I don't dwell on that, but at the same time I have no idea how the other person is going to receive it. For me, anyone could say something completely innocently, but you just don't have any idea how the other person might process it. That's all. I just find it very interesting that.
Speaker 1:But that I think that goes back to the choice of how they choose to see, that's right it is You're right, like I could say something that's completely memorable to one person and they could sit there and they could have that for years. Or another person where I said exactly the same thing, but it's not their wound, but that's the thing. We're here, we're all wounded, right? We're all came in this earth. We're all wounded, right, we're all came in this earth. We're all wounded, and if we don't face our wounds and see them and we don't have other people bring them up, we're not going to heal.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:So I actually hope that. I actually hope that you do ignite something in somebody and it gets them, because that's where we grow.
Speaker 2:It's like when we're so disturbed is when we have to get over ourselves. Yeah, yeah. That's why I think you know the, the club that we join, or any kind of group or organization, be it a school or church or a synagogue, a neighborhood council, whatever you call it the bar. You know, going to the bar it's the same thing. You need to bounce off other people because you need that feedback to grow. Grow to learn to be surprised, to, to to rethink your closely held beliefs well, did you ever um?
Speaker 1:did you ever hear of the book getting the love you want?
Speaker 2:no okay.
Speaker 1:So it's like it's. It's a book from the 70s, it's by harville and it's harville hendricks and you never heard of it. So so david and I were married and the first year was horrendous. It was just really bad. And david's mother gives him this book and it's sitting sat next to his bed. I don't think he ever picked the book up, but the fact that he had the book next to his bed was enough for me. I'm like, okay, I love him, we're gonna stay married, we're gonna figure this out. And our 20-year anniversary was a long time ago, it was like seven years ago. But we went the ever hear of the omega institute, mega institute. No, it wasn't the omega institute, it was like a. It was a place in upstate in Massachusetts where they have yoga stuff.
Speaker 2:Oh, it's not, Is it Cripaloo?
Speaker 1:Yeah, kripala, kripala.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Kripala. So on the brochure on our anniversary, that guy was coming and I said, oh, it's a sign. This is before I believed in signs. So I'm like we're going to go. Well, I actually gonna go. Well, I actually didn't think we. So everyone in the room was either getting divorced or pretty miserable, but we actually, I didn't think we were, I didn't, we weren't really having a problem in our marriage at that point.
Speaker 1:Well, boy, that weekend did we have a problem. Every like every small little thing came up and it was so, actually so healing, Because what it taught me was is so brilliant, it's all about. So let's say, look, okay, so I'm, when I'm sick, David's not so good. He just doesn't pay attention to me at all, Not good at that. And so I feel very not appreciated, I don't feel loved. And so now go back.
Speaker 1:It all stems back from when you were a child and something happened. Every single problem you have with another person, especially your spouse or your people close to you, go back to that problem. And it was amazing. I mean, we fought the whole weekend and I don't know. It turned out to be one of the best things we ever did, because we never and it's so funny. It's sitting right here, which is so interesting because I don't even think I put it there. We didn't even like anyway. So it turned out to be such a gift because all of our problems, we understood where the feelings were coming from, and it's harder when we're out in the world with it, but it's true. So they bring back memories. But in some ways I realized so.
Speaker 1:Then my mother said something yesterday and she said oh, you know, I'm not coming over because you know I feel sick and I'm like you know you. You know, you told me something when I was a little girl. You said you know, you don't have to be sick to stay home. And it was the greatest lesson she ever told me. I never got attention for being sick, so I never was sick. Lo and behold, here I am. Lo and behold, yeah, here I am and I don't. I didn't. You don't use that. I have a husband that completely ignores. Um, he's gonna listen if he abandoned. But when people bring up our feelings in us, it's usually triggers from when we were younger, maybe lifetimes.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's good that you can put those parts together, courtney, because a lot of people are still triggered by these things, but they have no idea how to draw a straight line between them, between those childhood experiences and how they're behaving now. Think about all all the heartbreak and you know situations and misunderstandings and hurt feelings, all as a result of people I'm including myself here. I do the same thing, responding in a certain way which makes the partner entirely baffled scaffold, because they don't understand that it's completely logical for one person to behave the way they do, because it's because it's unconscious behavior, it's yeah, we're not aware that we're, and we're playing into the, so I see it like a movie.
Speaker 1:We're playing into each other's scripts of our wounds, and so people will show up and they'll have it, and they'll keep on repeating itself like the habit, until we're ready to see it and make it conscious. And then, once we're conscious of it, it doesn't have to be true anymore either.
Speaker 2:That's right, and it just being conscious of it just diminishes its power right away, so that you may still to have the same triggers and maybe you might even respond the same way. But then you can stop yourself and say hey, wait a second, I know what I'm doing here. As crazy as you might think, partner, when you do this, I do this.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:That's just it, it's. I'm just like a wind up toy Do this and I'll do this. And just getting to that point Is Kind of miraculous, right, because you're you're not letting those controls affect your happiness anymore.
Speaker 1:Yeah, well, and I think that's my, that's what I work on every day is that I don't. I try so hard. I work really hard on my own spirit so that I'm not affected so much about what happens outside myself. And, as we said, we you have relationships with people. There's going to be conflicts. They're going to. You can't control how they're going to respond. You know I have a lot of people in my life and how are you going to be okay, no matter what. I mean that's our maybe, that's really that's the goal, right? I mean this is so interesting. If you think about that Taurus, scorpio, energy. We're having this whole conversation. It is really about the other person, the darkness of the other person, the shame, the guilt, right, and our own value and our own self-worth and balancing the two and talk and think about, like any relationship, deep relationships. There's money, sex, things that taxes, so taxes. I mean that is that, so taxes. Oh my God. Every year tax season. I mean that is that, so taxes. Oh my god. Every year tax season.
Speaker 2:I mean I can't even tell you I, with my family, it was not fun yeah, it's, but but more power to you for knowing all of those things and moving through them. I can tell you, at my age I can look back and see patterns in my behavior where I was definitely a windup toy and I still have that, I mean, I know.
Speaker 1:We all do.
Speaker 2:But my thing is, you know, I have that cancer rising, so I have that shell and if something happens I go full crab, full crab.
Speaker 1:Yeah, okay, but this is so interesting because I was taught Okay. So I have a friend who has a cancer moon. We were having this conversation today and she does too. But you want to hear something? Years ago she made a choice not to with me and I could cry thinking about it. And I did cry this morning. I said, you know, thank you Because it's easy, it's easier to go full crab. But I'll say to you, in the long run it doesn't benefit you because the whole point of that cancer, that cancer, is to open your heart right To, to allow yourself to trust and to open your heart, and every time you want to close the shell, it's so limiting.
Speaker 2:So that is the gold that I have uncovered. What you said Absolutely.
Speaker 2:But it's taken quite a number of years to be able to reflect and say wait a second, there's a pattern here, and the one recurrent thing in this pattern is me, right? So other people come into this, engage with me, and it's. The results are the same, and I can have as many excuses, really valid reasons to say why I did these things, but you're absolutely right, courtney. I I'm hurting myself in the long run from doing this and that's that's. That's really cuts deep for me to uh be aware of that and uh to then take responsibility for my role. You know, because it's I'm not, you know, I'm not like 007, where I just kind of can go in and like slip away, you know, or just have a new escape route planned, or several.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you don't ever escape it, though it's so interesting Cause I you think about the opposite of that and that you think about the opposite of that cancer and the, the energy of Capricorn. And it's hard work, it's effort, how important it is for you to put effort into relationships, how important it is for you to make contracts with people and have a clear boundaries with people, and but it is, it's, it's a lot of work, it, it. It doesn't make sense how hard it is for us to open our hearts, but that's for everybody right, cause it's the opposite of that. Heart is effort, is a lot of effort and a lot of getting over your, your fears.
Speaker 2:You're right, it doesn't make sense, but it's, but it's it doesn't.
Speaker 1:It doesn't feel like it's fair. It should be so easy, right. It should be so easy to love but it's my deepest reality.
Speaker 2:You know, it's like at the core of who I am and everything that I'm about.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but I think if it's interesting is that I did. I think there's, like I believe in synchronicities, right, that's all connected. And I will say to you the message was is how supported she was. So she said, oh, I, someone was saying how lucky I was and I said well, you're not lucky. You had to make a lot of effort to be able to have this experience, because it wasn't easy for you. And, oh, I think, phil, I feel like when you take down that shell, even in the hard work of it, it'll be still worth it.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think that's where life gets. Magical is when you take a different step than you've always taken.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yes. And putting that goal in my mind is the key right to just just to tell myself something like that is a win, because without that change in perception, then I'm the same wind-up toy.
Speaker 1:then I'm the same wind-up toy doing the same things over and over, and I you know my very easy to do I, I remember that we're humans and we're nature and right habit is it's a habit till it's not a habit anymore right so how are you with that? Now, by the way, with opening your heart I've.
Speaker 2:I have this awareness now I and that's the stage that I'm at, you know. So it's not, certainly not a instantaneous experience, but it's like the light bulb is slowly, slowly coming on. I don't think things like this are instantaneous, I just think it requires. It's like raising your consciousness, right. I don't think that is really something that happens overnight or over a cup of tea. Perhaps it can.
Speaker 1:Well, and I actually don't think it ever, it's always. I think you are always raising your consciousness. There's no one that's completely enlightened, and if anyone thinks they're completely enlightened, a rug will be pulled out from underneath them because, it's. It is such a I say it's a, I say everything's a practice. So it's like if I I'm practicing something, so I'm practicing maybe opening my heart, or I'm practicing being brave, or I'm practicing having self-worth or whatever it is that we're noticing about ourselves that we would like to shift.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I must say that Kundalini Yoga has helped me get to where I am now, because I experience heart opening energy. I mean I, I can feel it. It's a, it's a sensation. I know what it is, you know, I know what when it's happening, you know I can, I can feel that energy and that's what I want. That's the direction I want to head in, but it's that's what I want, that's the direction I want to head in.
Speaker 2:But it means that I have to stop thinking of myself as a wind-up toy who's repeating the same actions over and over again. Maybe I need to just throw that metaphor away and just say I'm, you know, a soul who's in a body experiencing life, and my goal is to live as fully and as richly as possible. I don't want to miss out on any rich experiences and because I think I try to avoid painful experiences that are also rich in a deep and negative way. But they're rich, they're intense, you know, they're full of stuff. In my attempt to avoid that type of richness, I'm also avoiding the really beautifully rich experiences.
Speaker 1:Yeah, makes me think of the word human being, being like the being you know being, because the mind right is the doing and the I am the wind-up toy believes that. And then, versus just allowing yourself to be, to be, to be who you are I mean, I love the saying and it's, it's it. It sounds so black and white, but it's not really I all we are is who we think we are, and so if I think I'm the wind-up toy, I'm gonna just keep on being the wind-up toy. I love what you said is I don't. Maybe I don't need to to think that anymore. Maybe I could just let it go.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I, I think you can.
Speaker 2:Right, and and you know, just as I no longer think of myself as a windup toy, I no longer think of others as a wind-up toy. You know that they are, they have capacities to do whatever they want, and that every day is an opportunity for them to become more aware, to become more conscious, to become more loving, right? So they're not. They're not, they're not stuck on the same track or the same merry-go-round, right just like I'm not well, I also think you would attract different people, right?
Speaker 1:don't you think that we attract kind of what we need to attract and when we're now that you are just a being here, maybe the response, maybe you don't attract other wind-up toys. I keep on seeing. I so don't know. You don't fight, but you know those like little guys, that like were emotions and they were like go like, you know, like back in the 80s they were like these little guys was it the rock'em sock'em robots?
Speaker 1:yes, yes, maybe you should just buy one and be like you know, that was me before and then like and then anytime you go and like, act like that, you just wind it up and be like okay, that's your job, I'm here, it's you I will say, though, um, people will respond differently. People do start responding differently if you've seen it already, because you're doing it. I mean, you're already doing this. It's so funny. I mean, you're speaking as you're already doing this. You're already, you're already there, you're already doing it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so it's good.
Speaker 1:Yeah, very good, just because I think I was saying to somebody, the last two weeks, what I have noticed consistently is a lot of people's stuff is coming up to the surface and becoming very clear to them, and so it feels as if we haven't grown as much as we wanted to grow or something, because they're. But I think they were just coming up for one last time Just to get us to. It was like an eclipse season, like it was coming to light, everything was being moved around and shifted big extremes. It felt very extreme. So I think everyone's just felt very overwhelmed with a lot of their noticing their stuff and I think about it. You would need to david um. It's interesting he I always think he so doesn't believe in astrology and he so doesn't, but he does because he does it anyway.
Speaker 1:Yesterday in the morning he took all the weeds out. We had like an area where his garden. He took all the weeds out and he had to like take everything out and it was dirty and gross and just old and it was such a metaphor for the dark of the moon. It was like just all that old stuff has to be thrown out in order for you to have this bed that was clean and you don't know necessarily how it's going to plant or what it's going to look like, but it needed to all come out, and so I think the last couple of weeks I feel like a lot of people's stuff has had been coming to the surface and we're having to see it a little more.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and when you remove all that trash you're making room, you know, because if all that stuff is still there, you're not making room for growth.
Speaker 1:Yeah and you need. It's almost like a blank slate. It's like, uh, it's freedom. There's like air and again.
Speaker 2:You know, every new day is that opportunity, no matter, or every moment is that opportunity. Right, you can. You can Work on opening your heart and becoming more conscious of yourself and more forgiving of yourself.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and actually that's, that's like I think our next job is to do that. I mean, jupiter will be going into to cancer, be asking us really to expand our heart, to be forgiving. So I think we're, we're ready and you're ready for sure. And I'll say to you I think that you are very much an open hearted person and there's so much love and ability to receive love. So I thank you so much for for I guess, picking your shell down here and letting us see you and being vulnerable and sharing.
Speaker 1:Even about that it's it's.
Speaker 2:It is opening your heart, because it's so loving, because maybe somebody out there feels the same way and they don't even know how to use words to explain it right well, and thank you, courtney, for like making this happen, because I feel so safe and so comfortable and relaxed that I didn't hesitate to share what I shared with you, and I'm glad that I did, and I I'm very much appreciate you.
Speaker 1:I appreciate you too. I wish you the best week, and I wish you just all good things and I wish everybody all good things, because it's what a day it is, what a great day it is to be alive yes so I will see you next week and I look forward to it thanks, courtney.