.png)
The Grief Journey By Mayrim
When I launched Relief from Grief in 2022, I thought it would be a short-term project. But the feedback was overwhelming:
•Grievers found inspiration and comfort.
•Listeners who hadn’t experienced loss gained meaningful insights into grief.
•Professionals shared how valuable the podcast was for their clients.
I realized this podcast was meeting a deep, ongoing need — and I was determined to continue serving that need.
I’m honored to partner with Mayrim, an organization dedicated to supporting families who have lost a child. Mayrim is the perfect partner because its founders and members understand the pain of loss firsthand. It’s my hope that each guest shares encouragement and understanding, helping listeners feel less alone. Together, we can find hope and comfort — one moment at a time.
The Grief Journey By Mayrim
Mrs. Maya Namdar: They Call Her Mrs. Moshiach
Use Left/Right to seek, Home/End to jump to start or end. Hold shift to jump forward or backward.
Why was there a knock on the door at 1 a.m.? This could only mean something bad. But what? Mrs. Namdar could never have imagined that the Hatzolah personnel standing at her door were there to tell her the unthinkable: a drunk driver, Liel, no pulse. All she remembers is screaming, “NO! How can this be? It can’t be!”
And so began her journey of grief—a path filled with immense pain. Yet, with her natural optimism, Maya shares how she began searching for answers. One place her search led her was to a deeper understanding of Moshiach. As she yearns for His arrival, she holds on tightly, saying, “He is coming.”
“People make fun of me,” she admits. “I’ve even been called Mrs. Moshiach. But that’s okay. This is the only way I can survive. And I believe. I truly believe
YouTube: https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLsK24OSmIYG_XWzeplhfmb8LJcWKphITh&si=untn3fmHLLaEEFNm
Apple: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/relief-from-grief-by-mayrim/id1788349916
Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/3AvWNp0DrHqE5AVYJHooiK?si=ufpIObuGRumS5uFXmvrpgA
Questions or feedback? Email me at: podcast@mayrim.org
Welcome to the Relief from Grief podcast, hosted by Mrs Miriam Rebiet and brought to you by Mayrim. Mayrim is an organization dedicated to supporting families who have experienced the loss of a child. It was founded by Iloy Nishmat's, nechama Liba and Miriam Holman. Despite her illness, miriam devoted herself to addressing the needs of parents and siblings grappling with the immense pain of losing a child. She felt this loss deeply, having experienced it firsthand when her older sister, nechama Liba, passed away. Mehrim continues to uplift and expand on the work Miriam began, a mission carried forward by her parents with great dedication. If you have any questions or comments for the speaker, or if you'd like to suggest a guest for the podcast, please email us at relieffromgrief at mayrimorg.
Speaker 2Hi everybody. Thank you so much for joining me here today in the Relief from Grief podcast. I am very honored that Maya Namder is joining us today. Maya is from Great Neck and she has a story to share, so thank you so much, maya, for coming on.
Speaker 3Thank you for having me.
Speaker 2Okay, I know your story went viral and probably most people, or many people, I should say know of your story, but they might not know that you're the owner of the story. I guess if you could tell us a little bit about what happened on that awful night.
Speaker 3So it was December 11 of 2021. My 15 year old daughter was at. She was at the camp Sternberg's reunion party, which was out in the Woodm, the Five Towns area. It was Motsi Shabbat. I had spoken to her Motsi Shabbat when Shabbat was out. She was actually for Shabbat. She went to her friend's house in order to be able to make it to the Sternberg reunion, because we live in Great Neck and it's quite a schlep. So on Friday, when she left the house, I kissed schlep. So on friday, when she left the house, I kissed her goodbye. She had her duffel bag and she went to school.
Speaker 3Actually, I'm going to tell you something a little bit crazy. I've shared it before, but every time I share it I'm like that's like insane. It's very hard for me to like share that little detail, but I feel like I should always be sharing it. So le Liel was very, very, very, very excited to go to this reunion. It was like a buildup of excitement. You know, for that night she loved Camp Sternberg and the night before, thursday night, she was packing her bag. She was like choosing outfits. She was figuring it out with her friends, she was FaceTiming her friends what she should wear for friday night, shabbat day, and then for the party. And then all of a sudden she came into my room like very overwhelmed with like emotions and she was crying.
Speaker 3Leo was always a very sensitive, sensitive girls, very sensitive and I said, leo, what's wrong? She said I want to go for Shabbat. I said okay, and I said so, don't go, I'll take you to the party. We'll say Shabbat, she goes. No, but my friends are coming in from Canada for their reunion. We're planning to stay together for Shabbat at my friend's house and if I don't go they're going to be disappointed. So I said, so, go, and she was like, but I don't really, and if I don't go they're going to be disappointed. So I said, so, go, and she was like, but I don't really want to go, I don't want to be away from home for Shabbat, which I was a little bit like taken back because of how excited she was beforehand.
Speaker 2But something in the past Was this her first time going away besides from camp going away.
Speaker 3No, she would go to friends. I mean, leo loves home, she loved shabbat at home. She she's just, she's a girl that loved her bed and loved to be home and my cooking and she appreciated it. And she would walk in on fridays. She's like, oh, the house smells so good and she would come and check the pots, like she was very connected to home and, um, it wasn't like weird that she said it. I was just like, but you were so excited and I didn't want to.
Speaker 3Something inside me also didn't push her and I kind of let her make her own decision. So that Thursday night and I saw how overwhelmed she was and, knowing how excited she was, I wasn't being like, oh, come on, just go, you'll have fun. And I didn't say, then don come on, just go, you'll have fun. And I didn't say, then don't go, stay home. I didn't do any of that. I said to her okay, do this just so you can be relaxed. And like, calm down right now I'm like pack up your duffel bag for Shabbat, knowing that you're not going for Shabbat. Like I'll take you Saturday night, pack your bag, have it ready, take it with you to school, knowing you're coming home, okay, and in case you change your mind in school, at least the duffel bag is with you, so you'll schlep it back home. Big deal? I said, just take it in case something happens and you change your mind, but otherwise just come home. What's the big deal? I'll drive you Saturday night.
Speaker 3And then she called me after school and I totally remember like her excitement. She's like Ima, I just wanted to tell you that I'm totally fine, I'm okay, don't worry, and I'm staying here for Shabbat, so excited to be with my friend. I'm like okay, enjoy Shabbat Sh. So excited to be with my friend. I'm like okay, enjoy Shabbat. Shalom, you're such a good mother. You know Liel was always very sensitive and I couldn't. I kind of learned how to help her, help me, help her cope with those little anxieties that she she always had, that she was very sensitive to others. Sometimes I would see her crying. It was because her friend was upset over something and I would she was just sensitive to to the world.
Speaker 3Wow, um. And it was just crazy because I didn't expect that from her Thursday night, since she was so excited for the Sternberg reunion. And then that's it. So she went for Shabbat. She called me before Shabbat to say Shabbat Shalom. And also another crazy thing that happened that Friday night my younger son wasn't home. Also for Shabbat, he went to a friend's house.
Speaker 3So it was just me, my husband and my older daughter and my older son, and it was kind of boring. It was just four of us around the table and first of all, liel would be the one that always sets the table for Shabbat and I asked my son to do it. He did a very backward job. Yes, I could imagine. So when we came to sit down and eat. So my daughter commented to my son she's like, oh gosh, you set the table. You can totally feel that Liel is not here, because liel usually sets the table for shabbat.
Speaker 3Wow, and then after that they were just like hanging out. And then they said to each other could you imagine, like we didn't have other siblings and it was just us? Like how boring our shabbats would be. Like, oh my god, like these are like little tiny details of like the night before and two nights before. That I try to block and avoid, but it definitely. It like, just feels as if, like something inside deep down our neshamahs, as if it felt something, but we had no idea what it, I don't know. That was crazy.
Unexplainable Loss and Divine Faith
Speaker 2Wow.
Speaker 3So comes Saturday night, liel calls me as soon as Shabbat is out. Actually we were FaceTiming each other and I remember she was like packing up her duffel bag, she was putting all her stuff inside and she was so excited to go to the reunion. And then we were making plans together for me to pick her up on sunday. So I said to her you know what, I'll let you sleep in a little bit, I'll pick you up at 11 o'clock. I have parent-teacher conferences anyway early in the morning, and then I'll come get you. And she said, okay, fine, see you sunday morning. That was like our last conversation, like see you Sunday morning and that's it.
Speaker 3We all go to sleep, we're in bed. I think it was around one o'clock in the morning. We're sleeping and the doorbell rings. I remember jumping out of bed and quickly asking my husband where is Emmanuel? Saturday nights my son would go play basketball at the local gym over here and I had went to bed already. So I woke up just thinking like doorbell, like did Emmanuel not get home? Like nothing would have crossed my mind, because two of my other kids, leo and my other son, are sleeping at a friend's house. I'm like is Emmanuel like home and he was like, yeah, yeah, he came back a long time ago. We both jumped and my husband ran to the window of our bedroom and he was like two things that he said. He was like why are there so many hot seller cars outside? And my husband's best friend is one of the hot seller guys. He's like why is a Navit car outside? I always try to go back and remember what was going through my head. Those split six milliseconds.
Speaker 3My grandmother, alaya Shalom, always used to say that a mother's the way we think, the way we worry about our kids and we think bad things, which is like you wouldn't wish that on your enemies. Like this is us mothers. We'll always think the worst.
Speaker 2Right.
Speaker 3I can't remember, but I think in split seconds many different stuff came to my head and I screamed. I jumped down the stairs. I don't know what I was thinking. I wasn't. I was thinking maybe many crazy stuff, but not that. And as soon as my husband opened the door, I mean from that everything is kind of like a blur. I just remember snippets of like the guys, the hotel guys saying accident, car, hospital, leo. It was just like little words that I was just hearing, but I was already gone at this point. I think I passed out fainted. My other son passed out screaming. There was, just there, was. I think this is what hell is like. I think it was actually in the Zohar, like it says something that like a parent hearing the news of like loss of a child is like fourth level of life, but Gehenna is like.
Speaker 2Really.
Speaker 3Yeah, I have to find the source of it. I read it somewhere that it's like it's like a level of Gehenna in literal sense, like that moment. That moment is Gehenna, like everything.
Speaker 2When they came, she was already not alive.
Speaker 3They told my husband that she was gone. She didn't make it. From the blur stuff that I remember, I'm going to share very deep stuff because this is where we're heading. Her third year of sight is coming up. It's exactly a week after Hanukkah, so I feel like I feel a bit more comfortable sharing this stuff. But after like the fainting I don't remember.
Speaker 3I remember nausea, I remember wanting to throw up and then I remember my husband asking that while I am like losing it, my husband is asking that seller guys, how are the other girls doing? Wow, angry, and I started hitting my husband and I was not. I like today I look at it like I'm married to a very special human, because who does that right? Right. His concern was they're telling him his daughter just died in a car accident and he's asking and how are the other ones? The other girls weren't well fine they were all, they were not fine they were everybody, everybody was hurt.
Speaker 3I don't know exactly who was hurt to what level. I know one of the girls was in icu, one was just hospitalized, the driver no, they had to resuscitate her. They had to bring her back. She had a bad head injury. No, I mean they were not fine. But I mean they were not fine. But Hashem they're fine, but they were not fine. Right, and that's also another crazy part of it, that listen to what I'm telling you now. They were not fine, but Leah was fine.
Speaker 2But as a mother, what kind of what do you prefer? The fine or the not?
Speaker 3fine, no, no, but do you understand that what I'm telling you like it doesn't make sense. Liel was not hurt she wasn't, she wasn't physically hurt, nothing broken, no blood, nothing, nothing nothing would she die from so they had to put something right. So they had so they called it traumatic arrest, so it was from the trauma yeah, that makes no sense, okay, I, I, I guess in a way that helps no, but I'm trying to say no, it doesn't help in any sense, in anything.
Speaker 3It just makes it like, like, as if hashem came in and he was like right that's what I saying.
Speaker 2It helps the obviousness of like Hashem doing this because it makes no sense.
Speaker 3Yeah, I don't even know what to call it, I don't even know how to explain it, but like that was one thing that was just like. That doesn't make sense. And then when the police came to do like a little bit of an investigation to see what happened with the accident and they saw from surveillance cameras they saw like the speeding of the drunk driver. It was a drunk driver that hit the car. When they saw the surveillance camera they're like this kind of accident, that speed of the drunk driver, the way he hit the car. There should have been no survivors in the car. If there were to be survivors, it should have only been Liel, because she sat in the safest spot in the car, like there should have not been survivors for that kind of accident. And now it's the opposite they all survived and liel, that sat in the safest seat didn't survive. They all got hurt. Liel was not hurt physically. Her body, there was nothing broken, there was no lungs, like nothing. Every she was, she was perfection.
Speaker 2She was just with her eyes closed and wow, oh my gosh, that is really spooky one second. But I have a question to ask you like, do you ever like? Do you ever get angry? Then like, why? Like, look, why was she the only one? Is that too personal?
Speaker 3no, no, no. I just wanted to tell you I don't have time to be angry. I need to bring my child back, I need to bring mashiach, I need to bring geula back, I need to bring Mashiach, I need to bring Geula, I need the Tchiat HaMetim now. So I don't have time to be angry, like I'm dealing only with this. My anger is not bringing Mashiach, my anger is not bringing Geula and my anger is not bringing back my child. My child will come back with Tchiat HaMetim. So and that's my focus, so I don't have time for anger I said to her when that will happen, because Hashem promised that.
Speaker 3Hashem promises tchiat hametim. He promises, not me. I didn't promise it. I'm not making this stuff up. It's written. We daven three times a day and we say tchiat hametim and we pray for Tzipita Leishua and we pray for Moshiach and Tzemach David and we pray for it. So I did not make it up. It's in the book and I believe in Hashem, so it's going to happen. So I'm going to expedite it. That's my job. I don't have time for anger. I said to her later, when Tzikathim happens and Moshiach comes and I'm a little bit like okay, this was done, then I'm going to go to Hashem and be like well, now I'm angry with you, like why did you put me through that?
Speaker 3So she started laughing and she's like you know, you're like, you're not normal. And I said what I went through is not normal. So of course I'm not normal and I don't know if some I don't know if it was anger there was questions of like why? But that? Why it's very, very fast, at the very fast, turned into what I didn't say for a while, for very long. Okay, so I have a question to ask you.
Speaker 2Okay, so this is the question that me and Mr Glenn Holman. I used to argue with him all the time. For the listeners that don't know, Mr Holman is the founder of NARIM. Okay, so I have this book coming out. Right, we talked about it. It's called Forever in Our Hearts. It's for parents that lost children. So he was the clinical editor of it. So I used to tell him that if someone is talking like the way you're talking, it's denial. It's going to end up affecting them.
Speaker 3Oh, yes, I had that. My family was concerned about me. How do you know that? It's not how?
Speaker 2do you know? Look, looking at your face, you look like, really like sincere. So I want to believe that you are. I do believe that you are, but again, for the listeners that might not be seeing your face, like how can we tell them that? No, this is really like you're. You're real, like you worked on this, and this is not denial, but it's coming from a real place first of all, I want to say that what I feel is not it's not constantly always there.
Searching for Meaning in Tragedy
Speaker 3Sometimes it does fizzle out a little bit and I have to quickly work on myself to get back there, because the feeling of me fizzling away from that is very scary. Like I'm, I'm very, very scared to be in that dark place. Like I'm not I I'm, I'm a naturally I was always naturally a very positive person Like I, I'm naturally, like I was always like that. Like no, I love to be with Simcha and I love to be happy, and like that was very challenging for me and I had to, like how do you take such a situation and not be like I want to be positive about this? The only way was with Hashem and just to say, like I want to say something. This is the ultimate test of Emunah and bitachon. I know like there's other mothers that are listening to me that might think I'm crazy, but, bottom line, I am surviving because of my kukunis, of depending on Hashem and emunah and bitachon. You can call me crazy and I'm taking it as the biggest compliment of life. It's fine, Call me whatever you want. To call me Too positive, crazy. I'm in a bubble. Like my bubble will burst. Call me, whatever you call me. I was even called before Mrs Mashiach Like, call me whatever you want to call me, Bring it on, I'll take it. Nothing phases me.
Speaker 3I have built such a shield of like Hashem I am. I've worked on it and I still work on it. It's daily work. I literally Hashem sits here with me. So when I'm sad, when I feel dark, I turn to him and I tell him I said fix it, I'm crazy. I say fix it, fix it. A lot of times you know I was like fix it, I'm crazy. I say fix it, fix it. A lot of times.
Speaker 3You know I'll have like my close friends, I think, or whatever. Just like people. They'll just be like why don't we see you cry? Don't you ever cry? Do you cry? Oh, I cry. I'm like I cry a lot. You don't even know how much I cry. I get mad at boxes of tissues and water 'm like I do. I cry. My pillow would be soaking wet. I don't need to cry to people. I cry to Hashem because I know my tears. When I direct them to Hashem, they become holy tears and I know he collects my tears and I know that everything that I feel in my pain and everything that I ask and I beg for. I know now it's like going towards something meaningful. I can go cry to my friends and family and then I'll be just like a Nebuchadnezzar. I don't need that. I'm not a Nebuchadnezzar, I'm not. I'm not. I was picked and chosen by Hashem.
Speaker 2So was your level of connection always this strong? It sounds like you must have been always working on it and this just made it stronger.
Speaker 3No, I'm gonna tell you I should really like, you know, like the saying that it's like hasham, like test those that he loves. You know, I beg him to like fall out of love with me. I've been challenged through many different challenges in my life, a lot since I was in my teenage years, and, like I've been through many challenges, not like this extreme, but every time I've been through something hard. Yeah, I did find myself at the end of the day. Turning to Ashton, I would have tried other things, other options, other directions, and even with this, I was in therapy at the beginning.
Speaker 3I was also medicated at the beginning and I was like, okay, the medication doesn't help, because when it wears off it hurts and I don't want to be medicated all the time, because every time I would be medicated I just wanted to sleep the whole time. I would literally sleep in the middle of the day. It made you tired, it made me very tired. Okay, regardless, I'm always tired. That emotion and this pain that you carry is exhausting, and falling asleep just disconnects you from the pain of this world. So I sleep a lot, meaning I could.
Speaker 3I don't sleep a lot, sorry, but I love to sleep. I have no issues falling asleep at night. I'm not one of those people that has a hard time. I have a very easy time disconnecting and just falling asleep, because that's when you don't feel the pain, you know. So you know I didn't want to continue to be medicated. I I wanted to have my energy back. I couldn't do it on meds and I went to therapy for quite a while and I was like not that long, because it's not even three years yet.
Speaker 2Let's just put that out there. If someone needs therapy for three years or five years or eight years, like it's okay.
Speaker 3I did therapy, maybe for like six months after, okay, and I was dreading. I was dreading it. I was doing it because that's what I was told to do, right, and that was by the book and that was the best thing for me. And like you need to be in therapy, you might need to be medicated, you might like everything was there's. There's the you know I don't know where I was reading it but also the therapist. I mean, like there's the whole, like uh, process and the steps of grief. First, first you're angry, first you're this, and like everything, who says we have to be in the box or in the book? You know, like losing a child is not by the book, that's not even natural. Like it's not, it's not by the book. A parent is not meant to bury a child. So don't give me process of grieving. And you know, and with the therapist, I won't point, I promise you, I was doing therapy to my therapist, like she would. She was getting like when is our next session? Like she just wanted to hear me, like I was giving her chazuk. I'm like I don't need this.
Speaker 3I, I, I just I felt like I wasn't, not that therapy didn't put me in the right place. That's not what my neshama needed. It's not what I needed, needed a deep connection and understanding of where is my child? Is she okay? What do I need to do? And if there's really such a thing as Moshiach, I need proof and evidence. When is Moshiach coming? And then, when is the first part of Tichyat HaMetim? Will Liyel be a part of it? And that was what was important to me. So I started studying that.
Speaker 3I literally own every Moshiach book that you can think of. I'm not just people can call me crazy and I was called crazy at the beginning and I'm totally fine with that and people still waiting for my bubble to burst. But I study and learn about Mashiach, about the days of Mashiach, about the world, from like the existence till the end. Whether people like it or not. I'm sorry to break it to you. We are in the end of days. It's written. It's not me I'm crazy and that's fine. I'm not making up stuff. It's all in the books, it's all in the Torah, it's all in Nebuah, it's all. It's all there. Tchiata Metim is not a made up, it's going to happen.
Speaker 2So let me ask you one again. When I was discussing titles for my book, so we settled on forever in our hearts, but someone kind of gave us this title it's going to happen. So let me ask you one again. When I was discussing titles for my book, so we settled on forever in our hearts, but someone kind of gave us this title, which it was like a cute hop, I guess, but not something we would have used because it just didn't fit really, but it was. He said something like see you, when Mashiach comes, and one of the issues we had was that but that's not even true, it's, it's when Tachias HaMesim comes. So do you know like how much? When is Tachias HaMesim? It's not right after Mashiach comes.
Speaker 3So it's like this. So in some books I've been reading that when Mashiach comes, when Mashiach is revealed, whenever Mashiach comes and we accept him as Mashiach, because they say that when Mashiach comes, some people will not accept him as Mashiach. Some people will not accept him as Mashiach.
Speaker 3They're going to say, no, that's not Mashiach Really, and, yeah, not everyone are going to be on the same page, but Mashiach, he has certain things that he has to prove that he's Mashiach, and one of them is the rebuilding of the Beit Hamikdash Like that has to happen. There's certain things that Mashiach needs to do in order to prove that he's Mashiach and not everyone is going to fall for it. And then it says that when Mashiach comes, he comes and it's like the first part of Tchiat HaMeti. And then it says who's in that first part of Tchiat HaMeti? And then there's Tkufat HaMashiach. Then there's the 40 years, the 40 years period of Mashiach, where in that 40 year period I don't know if that's at the end of the 40 year there is another triatomiteim. So there's like two parts to it and kids are in the first part yay, okay, that's interesting.
Speaker 3I never like, I never heard that it's listen, it's in the books, like I'm not, I'm not. I keep saying I'm like nothing that's interesting. I never heard that. Listen, it's in the books. I keep saying I'm not making up stuff, I know nothing. And for me all of this was a big chedush. And then, the more I was reading, the more I was so thirsty for it. The knowledge that I was gaining was giving me hope Like my gosh. Wait a minute. If Hashem created the world for only 6,000 years, meaning to do, the world has to be in a tikkun within the 6,000 years. We are in the year 5,784, 216 years from the end. But tchiat hametim needs to happen already, 210 years before, and Mashiach needs enough time, 40 years. Like there's a lot of khashbonot that goes here and I'm like we're so close. We're so close like I'm not making it out.
Speaker 2I promise you okay, I just feel like okay, so I'm being perfect from now on, because I don't know when he's coming.
Speaker 3So I'm listening, let's just like only be perfect, right, like, no more veiros, it's too scary, not if Mashiach is like coming tomorrow or today still, and I want to tell you I so again, I don't know if you're gonna regret doing this because, like you're gonna see now how crazy I am, I don't think you're crazy, okay, fine, maybe it takes one to know one I don't know.
Speaker 3But I have those mornings that it's very hard for me to get out of bed. I just feel like I can't do the day, and the way I get myself out of bed is reminding myself that today Mashiach might come. And the reason I get out of my pajamas and I get dressed because I want to be dressed when Mashiach comes. I am so invested in this Mashiach that my dress is by my closet. I have a few options. I have a luggage in my den, I have my tambourines ready and I get up in the morning I'm like today might be the day. Today might be the day. I need to be ready, I need to be dressed and your husband is like you in all your thought processes.
Speaker 3He is, and sometimes, when he a little bit falls off which happens to me all the time, I give it to him I'm like what are you doing? Meshach is coming. You can't do that and he'll be like you're right. Okay, we're both crazy, but like we both, like you know, whenever I feel like down a little bit, like he'll remind me. It's like you're preaching Mashiach all day long. You can't be like that and I'm like you're right, you're right, people are counting on me, like I'm bringing Mashiach.
Speaker 2So nice, because very often in such a case the you know, the parents could be so opposite. It's so nice that you're really on the same page.
Speaker 3Because what else is there? Mashiach is the only hope. Mashiach is the only solution. What would end our pain and suffering? Mashiach, there's nothing else. Medicine is not going to take it away, therapy is not going to take it away. Nothing is going to take it away, I know.
Speaker 2But imagine if someone is listening to this and they're hearing what you're saying and they're like you know what? She's right. I'm going to change my attitude. I'm going to, I'm going to focus on Mashiach, the way she's focusing on it, and I'm going to get my husband on board. And then she goes to her husband and says, okay, we're not going to be in such pain anymore, or maybe we're going to still be in pain, but this is going to be our new focus and this is what we're going to. He might say to her like you're, you're crazy and you do what you want, but I'm sure that there's many cases of that.
Speaker 3That's, you know, one spouse is on a journey alone I have not yet met. You know we had the May Rain Retreat, like last month, and any parent that I spoke to about Moshiach, like both parents, were on board yeah, grieving parents I don't.
Speaker 3I mean, I have not met anyone who's you know, and I just feel like it doesn't happen. Like, oh, I have not met anyone who's no, and I just feel like it doesn't happen. Like, oh, I'm listening to Maya. She's so positive, she's into Mashiach, I'm going to do it too. I worked on this Like I literally like anytime there's like a new book that comes out, my husband will be like, oh my gosh, it's a new Mashiach book. I'm like, get it, order it.
Speaker 3Right now, everything has sticky notes and bookmarks and I jot notes for nobody, for myself, that when I feel down, I go back, I open the book and I see my notes. This is what keeps me going. So whoever is out there listening to me and they're lost and they're in this pain and they want to look for hope, mashiach is the solution. But it's not just the mindset, because it's very hard to just shift your mindset when you have so much pain inside. It's to really learn it, understand it, let it soak in, process it. It's a lot of information and there's a lot of information out there to understand that we are the end of days.
Speaker 3Mashiach will come, there will be Tchiat HaMetim there will be. Our children will come back and I keep telling parents I think I'm crazy. When they look at me, they're like she's nuts and I'm like I keep telling this to you. Don't get surprised when you see your child is back. Your child will be back. And then they're like, okay, she's not. I'm like, okay, it will happen. We'll see who was the crazy one.
Speaker 2Wow, wow. Do you like hear what happened to the drunk driver, or like it's so not part of your story, like it doesn't matter, like it's not really relevant to you?
Speaker 3That's not what you're focused on. It's not what I'm focused on. Like Baruch Hashem, she's no longer in rehab, in danger. She's back at home with her children. They also need to work on a lot of no.
Speaker 2I mean the drunk driver, what it was, a front person.
Speaker 3Sorry, I thought you were talking about the driver of the car, the drunk driver.
Speaker 2sorry, I thought you're talking about the driver of the car, the drunk driver. Okay, I'm gonna share something crazy with you. You became his best friend or something.
Speaker 3You're making him jewish when, um so basically, the accident whatever, let's just say that like this entire like lawsuit is from the state and it's from the county and it's like it there was a child here that died like it's like coming from very different directions different lawyers involved, different court dates, different like a lot of uh stuff besides insurances. It's like it's a lot of layers and from the beginning, I think it was like after the solution, when we came back and people were excited to come in and I saw my husband was getting overwhelmed with it and I said to my husband, I said, listen, oh, I needed to go to the lawyer's office. We needed to go sign some papers for the insurance. I don't remember exactly what it was. So I said to my husband I'm coming to the lawyer's office and that will be the only time that I'm coming to my husband saying I'm coming to the lawyer's office and that will be the only time that I'm coming.
Speaker 3And it would be to sign my name off from anything that has to do with this accident. I have nothing to do with this, I don't want to be a part of this, not at the loss, nothing, I'm just take my name off and, yes, they thought I was crazy. Now, if you really want to call me crazy, I'll justify my craziness you can really call me crazy.
Speaker 2Well, why did you want to take it off?
Embracing Brokenness for Redemption
Speaker 3Because I said, and again, I'm crazy. Okay, so it's fine for me to say this. The whole world can know I'm crazy. It's not the drunk driver who took my daughter's life. It's not him, he's a nobody. He was just a bitter shaliach that was there.
Speaker 3This is, my chashbon is not with a drunk driver. I really care less. My chashbon is with Hashem. My chashbonot is with Hashem. It's between me and him. It was Hashem handpicked me and he handpicked my daughter and all my chashbonot are with Hashem. I really can care less handpicked. My daughter and all my hashbonot are with Hashem. I really can care less about the drunk driver. I can care less about the case. So I wasn't involved at all. And this is already almost.
Speaker 3We're almost at three years and I didn't know this because my husband been keeping everything away from me, not because he's keeping it away from me, because I'm like I don't, I'm not, I have nothing to do with it. So a while back he was keeping it to himself. Basically, drunk driver was like out on bail with like court dates, like pending coming up. He didn't show up to a very important court date and then basically the drunk driver had disappeared, he escaped, he ran off. He was gone, missing. He didn't show up to court and nobody knew where he was. And then he became crazy because there was no case. Um, and my husband was so taken back by this and upset, and one day he came to me in tears and he was like I've been keeping this away from you for so long but you don't understand. Like that guy ran off and like he didn't show up to court and there's no case, and I looked at him and I'm like so he's like what do you mean? So I'm like he can run, this bitter guy can run for the rest of his life and hide. Who is he hiding from? Hashem knows where he's at, trust rest of his life and hide. Who is he hiding from? Hashem knows where he's at, trust me, he is bitter for the rest of his life. For the rest of his life he's the most bitter person. Hashem will find him and give him whatever he needs to get. I am not concerned about that. I don't need him in court to feel that you know, we got revenge. He'll get his revenge from Hashem and he doesn't even need revenge.
Speaker 3This poor guy was picked by Hashem to be that evil person to do this. I don't care. And my husband was just like no, you know, you really are like cuckooing like a good way, because that's making me feel better. I'm like okay, good. And after a week my husband was like good news, they found him. I'm like I told you I was like nuts. Those things don't faze me. It does not faze me, you really don't care at all.
Speaker 2I can't even like. Wait, maybe in general you're not a curious person Like you don't care about I am.
Speaker 3Oh, if you would know me, I am. I don't know, mariel, I just want to say I got to a place. I can tell you that I got to a place. That took time. I got to a place. I'm going to share something with you. I actually shared it at like my last, like speaking events. Okay, I was sharing, I said that Hashem broke me. He broke, he broke my heart, and I said I look at it as a gift. I said I was gifted the gift of a broken heart from hashem and I was saying you know when a heart breaks, right now, there's all the cracks, right, and you know the saying how, now, through the cracks, that's when the light comes in and that's when hashem can come in. So, now that I said that, now there is this japanese art called kintsugi. I don't know if I'm pronouncing it correctly, but they take broken pottery and they glue it back together with gold enamel and it becomes the most beautiful, magnificent piece. Okay, okay. So in Japanese, kintsugi means to bind with gold.
Speaker 2Okay.
Speaker 3And there there are theory behind it that you can take anything that's broken and make it more beautiful and stronger than before. And that is exactly what happens with a broken heart. It's broken, but then when you bind it not with the golden amulet, it's basically Hashem. When you bind your heart with Hashem, when His light just sits there inside and it's holding your heart, you're unbreakable. Nobody can touch you, nobody can break you. You become unbreakable and that is a gift. It's a gift. Not everyone has a broken heart and not everyone is able to bind their heart together with Hashem. Meaning I say, hashem, you broke my heart, you fix it, you glue it back together and when you let Hashem do that and he's the one holding it, your heart can never break.
Speaker 3I don't care about this drunk driver, hashem is holding me, he's holding my heart. I'm unbreakable. I'm not going to go through these emotions. Yes, I do cry, yes, I do break down from tears because I miss my daughter so badly when I think of Liel and her smile and her laughter and her giggles. I miss her so much, laughter and her giggles. I miss her so much. But I have full emunah that Hashem knew what he was doing when he did this and he picked me out and he picked me and I am where I am supposed to be in my life right now, like this broken person. That's who I'm supposed to be, and I have a job and I have a mission and Moshiach is coming and like that's that's who I am and that is my life, from morning till night, from 6am when I get up. It's that till I go to bed.
Speaker 2Wow, no, it's, it's, it's really it's, it's. It's just amazing. I don't know, it's just incredible.
Speaker 3It's. You know, it's what I said to you at the beginning, where, after a very short period, my why really turned into what it really did. I stopped saying why, why, why, why, and it was like, okay, what, what does Hashem want for me? What do I need to do? And I didn't need to put so much hard work into it. Hashem, right away, showed me what he wanted me to do Right away, like literally direct messages, and I feel like my job is to spread.
Speaker 3I call it Leo's light because she inspires me every day and I don't want to look at Leo as something dark and tragic. I want to look at her as light, shining bright and bringing light into the world, and she inspires me every single day. So for me it's like I have Leo's light and I want to share Leo's light with the world and obviously bring Moshiach awareness. And knowing that the more people are in tune with this whole Moshiach and they yearn the yearning, the wanting Moshiach, I feel like that's like hastening the process. So that's my job. I'm like I want to bring Moshiach faster. We've got to make more Moshiach awareness and give this yearning to people. I want people to yearn it and want it and I say unfortunately.
Speaker 3It's really unfortunate, because Hashem wants the yearning from us and he's not getting it from all of us. We're still like, but why? And this and that, and the drunk driver, and the court, hashem is like you're missing the point. You're missing the point. That's not your mission here. You need to want me, you need to want Mashiach, and I'm here to redeem you. I want to redeem you, but ask for it. So who asks for it? Who asks for Mashiach Broken?
Speaker 2hearts, broken hearts, exactly Broken hearts, broken hearts.
Speaker 3Broken hearts, exactly Broken hearts. So we've had, unfortunately, too many broken hearts this past year, like we're living in crazy times and a lot of broken hearts. And all these broken hearts not all, most are turning to Hashem and they're crying and they're begging for Moshiach. And I see it when I watch the funerals in Israel, whether of hostages that they end up bringing back or soldiers that we end up losing, you know, in Gaza and Lebanon, and you see these mothers are burying their children and they're screaming to Hashem enough, bring us Mashiach now. And that's what Hashem wants and unfortunately, he needs to break us. And I just want to bring this awareness like we don't have to be broken. We can do it without being broken but it's much harder.
Speaker 2It's just much harder. You know, like you said, it is the broken heart that turns to hashem and we'll scream for mashiach. That's just, unfortunately, how it goes. I don't know, honestly. You know I've been broken also so many times and sometimes I wonder so, like I should really want Mashiach, do I, like I don't yearn for him the way, the way any Jew should? But especially if, like I've been through so many like tragedies in my life, like, why am I not so much more focused on Mashiach?
Speaker 3because I feel like there's also a lot of people associate Mashiach with a lot of fear. They're scared. You know I was saying up until before the accident I didn't care for Moshiach and it's not like I had the most perfect life. I've been through many challenges in my life but it was like why do I need Moshiach? Like we're fine, I'm married, my children they're in school, whatever, we're working hard, we're not poor, hard, we're not poor, we're not rich, we're not, we're nothing, we're just living our life like that's it, like that's how it's supposed to be. Like why do I need now mashiach to go and interrupt my life right now? Like that's not the purpose of life, to just go on and just be comfortable and like you know, we need to understand we are living in galut, we live in physical galut out of eric's trial, but orton is also in eric's trial. They live in galut. We live in physical galut out of eric's trial, but orton is also in eric's trial. They live in galut.
Speaker 3We need to understand that this is the purpose of our life is not work, parnasa, pay for yeshiva, look pretty on the holidays, get good outfits for your kids, and like that's not the purpose. We're missing. We're missing what's going on here. That is not our mission. Our mission here is to, first of all, to connect, to connect Hashem, to feel Him, to yearn Him, to want Him the same yearning that we want for the hostages we keep screaming bring them back home. It's bring Hashem back home. Hashem has not been in His home for over 2,000 years. Like, why are we not screaming for Hashem? Bring him back home. It's. We all need to understand really what our mission here is in this world, and I think that's the reason why I'm not fazed by results from court and this, because that's not my mission, that's not what I'm supposed. Fazed by results from court and this, because that's not my mission, that's not what I'm supposed to be dealing with, it's not.
Journey of Self-Discovery and Growth
Speaker 2Unbelievable, really. I'm so, so inspired. I'm so happy that you came on to this podcast and I feel like this is such a just, beautiful place to end. But I do want to, before we do end, I guess I kind of want to ask if there's anything more important or equally important that we missed that you want to say.
Speaker 3I want to say that if there's any mother, father, parents out there that unfortunately lost a child and they're listening to me I don't want anyone to feel that I don't even know what to use, the right words, that pressure, that like, oh, if Maya is like this and that's her view on life, or take on life and that's her mindset, that's how I should be. I just want to say that I am definitely not. I am not where I am today. I was not here last year and not the year before. I was not here last year and not the year before. Like when you're broken, you're constantly evolving and changing. I wasn't like this from the beginning. I knew I didn't want to be in the dark side. Therefore, I worked on myself to get to where I. I don't even know where I'm trying to get to, but where I am today. That is hard, hard, hard work we're talking about every day, constantly, and reminders Hashem loves me, hashem cares for me, hashem knows what I'm going through. Salvation will come soon and I hang on to it. I read a lot of books, I study them, I take notes, I listen to Shireen, I work on myself, work, work, work on myself all the time to get to where I need to get. It's like you're in school, you can't. You need to show up, you need to be there, you need to study, you need to like, you need to do this in order to get there. So if there's anyone that's listening to me and I might be feeling like, oh, I'm not in her mindset, how is she so strong Because I do hear this a lot. I get emails, I get messages like, how are you so strong? And I'm like, okay, I'm so happy that you're seeing me as a strong person I don't feel it. I feel very broken and very raw on the inside and I'm happy that the world is not seeing that because that's private between me and Hashem. So I'm very happy that it's not on my outside face. And what you're seeing on the outside, it's a shield, it's like Hashem's shield and I'm very proud of it and I carry Hashem very proud on my shoulder everywhere that I go and what you're seeing, that's literally Hashem's shield protecting me all the time, and you can see me crying and laughing at the same time. I'm so good at doing that, by the way. Laugh, cry all together.
Speaker 3At the end of the day, I fall and I pick myself up. I have the days that I can't get out of bed or get out later on in the day. Sometimes I feel slower, sometimes I can't cook, sometimes I can't do do things. I'm not perfect. I'm not this strong person in this world. I'm not. I just don't want to be that nebuch person in the dark. I don't want people feeling pity for me. Don't feel pity for me. I'm on a mission with Hashem and he picked me and we're partners and we're bringing Mashiach. Like that's how I look at it wow, that makes sense.
Speaker 2It does make sense. No, it's such an important point, right? I mean, it's so common to always judge ourselves and to judge ourselves against others. And here, oh my gosh, look at this mother and look what she went through and look what she's doing. Oh my gosh, I must be like that also. And then it's like it's so depressing if we're not, you know, but like we each have our own journey and you'll get to where you have to go. And I think the point of what you said is that you don't even know where you want to go, but you know that you want to go somewhere All.
Speaker 3I know is where I don't want to go. I don't want to be there, so I'm going the other direction. Where the other direction is taking me, I don't know. But here I am. This is where I am. Do you get what I'm saying? I don't know what that goal is, where I'm going to, I just know where I don't want to go to. I run the other way.
Speaker 2Right, right, well also, you can't really stay in one place. There's no stagnating, it's either up or down.
Speaker 3No, we are evolving constantly. If you would have spoken to me last year, you would be shocked. You're like, she does not sound the same, and before that, even last month, two months ago. I'm constantly changing, I'm constantly evolving. Also, I'm constantly learning, and I'm constantly learning new things, things that inspire me more, so I become more, like, more like aware, like, oh my gosh, oh, that happened, oh that, oh, okay, let me listen to this now and then it's like everything is like mind opening.
Expanding Reach and Connection
Speaker 1it's like I didn't even realize that okay, thank you so so much for coming in thank you, miriam you've just listened to an episode of the Relief from Grief podcast with Miriam Riviet, brought to you by Mayrim. For more episodes, visit the Mayrim website at wwwmayrimorg. Help us reach more people who might benefit from this podcast. If you know someone who could find it helpful, please share it with them. If you have questions or comments for the speaker, or if you'd like to suggest a guest for the podcast, we'd love to hear from you. Email us at relieffromgriefatmayrimorg. We look forward to having you join us in the next episode.