Rabbi Doniel Hexter: Messages of Hope from Our Gedolim

When Rabbi Doniel Hexter faced the profound grief of losing his 19-year-old son, he embarked on a quest for solace. His search led him to explore how revered gedolim have historically navigated their losses. Rabbi Hexter delved into a wealth of old letters and writings, uncovering a mosaic of grief and resilience that spanned generations. This research culminated in his book, Voices of Consolation, a compelling anthology that offers a rare glimpse into the personal hardships of our spiritual leaders.

Despite his naturally reserved demeanor, Rabbi Hexter brings these stories to life in his podcast, providing insightful perspectives on using the wisdom of our gedolim as beacons during life’s darkest moments. His approach not only enriches our understanding of their teachings but also helps us understand that we are human and experiencing pain is normal.

YouTube: https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLsK24OSmIYG_XWzeplhfmb8LJcWKphITh&si=untn3fmHLLaEEFNm

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Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/3AvWNp0DrHqE5AVYJHooiK?si=ufpIObuGRumS5uFXmvrpgA 

Questions or feedback? Email me at: podcast@mayrim.org

Transcript

Speaker 1 0:02

Welcome to the Relief from Grief podcast, hosted by Mrs Miriam Rebiet and brought to you by Mayrim. Mayrim is an organization dedicated to supporting families who have experienced the loss of a child. It was founded by Eloi Nishmat's, nechama Liba and Miriam Holman. Despite her illness, miriam devoted herself to addressing the needs of parents and siblings grappling with the immense pain of losing a child. She felt this loss deeply, having experienced it firsthand when her older sister, nechama Liba, passed away. Mehrim continues to uplift and expand on the work Miriam began, a mission carried forward by her parents with great dedication. If you have any questions or comments for the speaker, or if you'd like to suggest a guest for the podcast, please email us at relieffromgrief at mayrimorg.

Speaker 2 0:59

Hi everybody. Thank you so much for joining me here today on the Relief From Grief podcast. Okay, so today Rabbi Daniel Hexter is on this podcast. He is the Skam Minahel of Yeshivas Kochav Yitzhak in Baltimore known as TI, I think, by many, and also the author of a very well-received book, voices of Consolation. So thank you so so much for coming on, rabbi Hexter, really really appreciate this, and I guess if we could start with your own story of what brings you on, Okay, thank you.

Speaker 3 1:36

Close to nine years ago, our son David was Nifter and during the few first few weeks after his Nifter, like anyone going through a period of loss, I was trying to get Chizuk, get Nechama, and being that, I always enjoyed reading stories about G'daylim, and more so reading writings about G'daylim, and more so reading writings of G'daylim. I felt a connection by reading letters that G'daylim wrote and I saw a sefer like a yaka lakach toiv. In fact, a friend of mine lent me a sefer, gave me a sefer, a yaka lakach toiv, where there was a number of letters of Tanchumim that was gathered in that sefer. Gave me a sefer, a Yaakov Lekach Toiv, where there was a number of letters of Tanchumen that was gathered in that sefer.

Speaker 3 2:30

And I learned it read it and I got a lot of chizik and a chamak from those letters. I figured if the Mechavar of the sefer, malachic put together those letters, I figured there must be a lot of other letters that I could draw chizik from. And I started looking at some basic Sfarim that have letters of G'daylim and I was able to find many letters from different G'daylim in numbers in their own Svarim and basically that's how it started. Once I saw one svarim it led me to another svarim whether it's a Votner svarim, it's a whole svarim of Mokhtavin, of Katsko, of Panavishmir has the Sefer of letters. There are many others. Morshach has letters, sniper has letters. So those are the basic starts, the basic place where I started just getting letters and seeing letters. And you know, as time went on, I asked many others, many other people that I thought may know, of other letters and slowly but surely I was able to find letters, not so common letters, letters that were not so common and letters from just came up from different places. Definitely it was helpful and just speaking to people and trying to. You know, what I found interesting was that there's some people that really they told me that they really had letters. Letters was not that thing and they really didn't know anything. You know where to find them and, uh, some other people who were more versed in these type of things were able to direct me to letters. So really that's where it started and, um, after just gathering I thought it might be just a little small leak, good, uh, and as time went on I was able to get over 100 letters and, uh, it became, I guess, in a certain way, I got tremendous chizah Just going through that kufa for the first month and after that, within that first year.

Speaker 3 4:56

It's a journey and it's something that I think anyone who has gone through knows that it's not easy, something that I think anyone who has gone through knows that it's not easy. And being able to connect to someone or something and draw his look and draw the tarot perspective is so, so meaningful and so important. And it's true, and there's certain people, certain letters, certain of them are more expressive, lend maybe some personal aspect to their own personal life in the letters, and I definitely was able to connect to a lot of the letters and it gave me a lot of chizik and I figured that if I was able to draw some chizik from it, I might as well put it together and maybe I could give some others the chizik, the Nacham that I was able to get from these letters, and I think it was maybe three years after our son that was Nifter was able to put together, was able to publish the Sefer Vayinachim David. I remember speaking to Rav Shimonowitz of Ali's Highest.

Speaker 2 6:03

Your Sefer Vayinach Highest. It has these letters in it.

Speaker 3 6:08

The Sefer Vayinachim David, which I published six years ago, is the exact, are the letters that the G'dolim wrote. It's not a translation, it's exactly those exact letters. And I, just a number of years later, two, three years after I published Vayinachim David, I put out the same for the book A Voice of Consolation, which is a translation of Vayinachim David with a little bit more background to the letters. I figured the English-speaking public would appreciate, probably a picture of the author of the letter, together with a little bit more history about the person who wrote the letter, maybe a little um, able to add something about their own life and how it impacted the letter and what they wrote. And so some more footnotes, some more, some less from the hebrew, but it's basically the um, it's from the Hebrew Sefer. That was a leak of 119 letters that I was able to put together. But, like I start to say, you know definitely the Hizmet, the Ayiket I want to be able to give others and Baruch Hashem.

Speaker 3 7:20

The feedback after the Hebrew one was published was tremendous. I remember soon after it was published I received a phone call from some in a club with Rebis and he was so moved by the letters, by the safer idea really, and he sent me some letters that he had that he was able to get up, that he knew of. And as time went on, I received phone calls, emails from people from around the world. Really, and it's an amazing feeling to be able to see that I guess the idea or the physics that I was able to get myself excuse me, the physics that I was able to get myself was able to give part to others and that was very, very meaningful.

Speaker 3 8:08

Like I said, when I originally published, when I came up when I had the idea, I mentioned that Shemana was about Isaiah's and he was very encouraging and he was definitely very, very he liked the idea very much and he really he put out the same way in Achim David and he did a great job. And once I put that out, my wife asked me if she could only put it in English. That would be so, so meaningful, so, so helpful and to that end, I was able to work on it to be able to put it out in English and after coming out in English, I found that there are many people who are, although they're, very familiar with Hebrew when it's in their own tongue and they're in English.

Speaker 2 8:59

It definitely was able to impact them and be able to make a real shizik and hamad for them as well, Do people connect to the letters that are written only to bereaved parents or do they connect to the letters that are written on other kinds of deaths also?

Speaker 3 9:11

It's a good question.

Journey of Consolation and Strength

Speaker 3 9:12

I found that, you know, soon after I published the original Vayinachim David, the first Sefer. There's a woman who, a woman, called me from Eretz Yisrael and she said to me to thank me for the Savior and said she should know that she was going through a very difficult coup in her life and she said the Savior it happened to be she. I think she also had a loss of a child, but she said the Savior had helped her not only to deal with the loss that she experienced but also with many other challenges that she was facing. And I which I think does make sense because I think you know, reading the letters and seeing how the certain, certain normal human challenges that we all go through and different ways to approach it and the, or the way that our G'day ways to approach it, or the way that our G'daylum approach it, and the Emunah and the Chizik that they offer and the recognition that yes, it's difficult, yes, it's painful and it's normal to feel that pain but at the same time that's not a seerah to Emunah and recognizing that's all for who doing it all. I think that very much she was able to connect to the way she said it was that it really helped her in many other aspects in her life and different challenges that she was going through. I remember a woman calling me this is more directly a loss. It was soon after COVID.

Speaker 3 10:53

A woman an older woman, called me up, came out crying saying she went through the Savior. It was soon after it was published. She went through the Savior. Apparently. She was very averse and very familiar, able to read the Hebrew Savior, and she said she read it. She was very averse and very familiar, able to read the Hebrew Sefer and she said she read it. She stayed up that night, like from cover to cover, she read the whole thing and it was just so inspiring and not even more inspiring. It gave her a tremendous, tremendous schizok. I think she had an older son, a chashra yir, a chashra tamachachem, that was nifter, and this really gave her a tremendous boost, a tremendous chizuk. And knowing that I mean to me, I was so thankful that I was able to have in some part, some chilek of being able to give over that chizuk, that nechama that we all need Sometimes it's, you know, I think that anyone who's listening probably can connect and understand that the beginning it's a journey in a certain way and it doesn't always go so easy and there are days that are easy, days that are harder.

Speaker 3 11:53

But recently someone called me, not so recently, a year or so, someone called me up from Artists' Show and the person saying you know that his wife was left there and he just has it next to his bed, saying that his wife was left there and he just has it next to his bed. Every night he reads a letter and it just helps him. It really helps him deal with the scooper that he was going through. He asked me you know he got that was the English one and he said where can I get the Hebrew one, because my sons all speak Hebrew. They don't speak English where can I get?

Speaker 3 12:22

it and he just felt it. I just you know whatever feels like I'm able to give over with these, with the same, with the letters, I think I would like to. That's really the goal of being able to share what I'm give over. What I'm saying right now is to be able to anyone who gets chizuk and inspiration from these, inspiration from the letters- I would like to be able to have a chizuk in that.

Speaker 2 12:50

So what kind of chizuk do you give yourself when you're having a hard time and you know everything about her? You don't want a letter to give you chizuk.

Speaker 3 12:58

I would say there's different types of chizuk. There's different types of chizuk. You know, many of us may have a family member that we're close to and that family member may be the person that we turn to for chizuk. Many times, as close as we are to our family in this area, we don't feel comfortable discussing or we don't feel comfortable discussing or we don't feel that they really get it. I, personally, I'm blessed with having who I I'm. Yeah, I feel very fortunate that I have a Rebbein to connect to, to speak to. I learned to know Yisrael, as I mentioned, for a good number of years and my Rebbein there really had been. My Rebbein not just for giving shir and the tremendous amkos and amdis that R Hashem was able to learn from them, but also just in and going through life just to bring it to life. I guess you could say I remember soon after our son. I believe I have to call my parents.

Speaker 3 14:30

I called I believe I have to call my parents. Plus, I called, I either called. I believe I called one of my rabbis, where the word got out to them pretty quickly and within the first hour, you know, in the hospital, which was definitely not easy. That first, those first moments, those first, you know it wasn't easy. Within the first hour I had my rebbe let's see berkowitz chaginu burger uh, fortunate to be close to and my I love your basic burger. So just within that first hour, having those basic burger. So just within that first hour having those people, my ravayim, right on my side, my parents there.

Speaker 3 15:16

It was a tremendous chizuk that I felt, my wife and I felt having people who turn to be able to speak to who I turn to, who do I, what others talk to me? But the person that's able to be able to speak, it's who I turn to, who do I, what others talk to me, but the person that's able to have a connection to a real life person, a person that understands what you're going through, but even greater, or I wouldn't say greater, but definitely a person who is a God Labateira greater, or I wouldn't say greater, but definitely a person who is a gadlo batayra has hashkav as a hashkav, as a taira, and you're fortunate to be able to connect to such a person. It's a tremendous, tremendous thing and I, baruch Hashem, like I said, I turn it to my Rebbein it's something that I found so, so meaningful and so a tremendous source of chizuk. Now I would say that connecting to people who have gone through similar situations is really also a tremendous, tremendous source of chizuk. A person who has gone through a loss definitely can connect and understand what you're going through, but sometimes even a person who has not gone through a loss but has gone through challenging times, that's also a tremendous source of physics.

Speaker 3 16:40

So, over the years, meeting people, seeing people, talking to people, hearing from people who have gone through different challenges, that definitely, knowing that they're there for you, definitely that you're able to talk to them, they understand you, you understand them that's also a tremendous source of chizah. Am I clear? Does that make sense?

Speaker 2 17:00

it's interesting because I I know anything, I'm in grief, anything makes sense, but, um, I hear, I hear a lot more the opposite that like losing a child is like the worst thing possible. So even if a person went through a challenge, they didn't go through anything as horrible as this. So don't like, don't pretend that you could understand right, I don't.

Speaker 3 17:23

Let's say, as I was saying before, let's say maribay and uh who, uh, you, even though they themselves have not experienced something of that nature, but just knowing that they understand what you're going through and knowing that you're able to turn to them for chizuk and hadrocha, then they're there for you, they understand you, they're there for you. Some chizuk are there for your difficult, challenging times. That itself knowing that there's someone that's there for your difficult, challenging times, that itself knowing that there's someone that's there for you, they're giving you the just there as a support, and it's tremendous. They don't no one's claiming that they could explain and understand the whys, and no one's claiming that they could understand what understand the why's, and no one's claiming that they could understand what you're going through.

Speaker 3 18:16

But I think what we all need to know is that, aleph, that this is beyond our understanding, but also, aleph, that this is perfect and this is all part of Hashem's master plan. So I think we put those together, that everything Hashem's master plan. So I think we put those together, that everything Hashem does is perfect. And we're not going to understand in this world right now why things are the way they are and I think, living with an Ashkaf, a person could continue to live life in a very meaningful, happy, wonderful way. Could I?

Speaker 2 18:51

challenge you on something.

Speaker 3 18:53

Yes.

Speaker 2 18:54

The aleph that this is perfect and it's the way Hashem wanted. Yes, that's aleph. But being at that point, only nine years after a child was nifted, is really like it's soon, Like most people don't get to that point that I shouldn't say most people. I don't know A lot of people don't get to that point by nine years where they could say it's off, my sham. I really accept that. I get that it's perfect. So my challenge is to so me it's like scary. My challenge is like like how could you tell to everyone that you, how could you explain to us that you're not just saying it, but you really feel it and mean it?

Speaker 3 19:34

Like it's really part of your life and your psyche and everything. I believe that you know. I think there's a balance between living in the past and moving on. I think a person that lives, you know we don't come onto Amunah only when things are all of a sudden difficult. I mean we don't all of a sudden preach B'tochen or say Amunah B'tochen when things are you know we're nowhere else to turn. It must be Amunah B'tochen when everything's perfect. I think we all I'm saying to myself, we all, hopefully are living an honest life, dabbling every day. Turning to our Shavuot, we're talking to him and throughout our lives we're hopefully exercising our Emunah and B'tachah muscles. Now, when challenges come our way, it just means that now we need to take those uh exercises that we've been activating or working with the last x number of years and now, um, you know, uh, it's, it's for real now. It doesn't mean it's always easy, but it it's. And it doesn't mean your every day is going to be perfect and doesn't mean you're not going to have certain thoughts and certain challenges and certain questions. But I think at the, at the, at the bottom or at the base, at the site of it all this we have to know. Enkel Akenu, enka Deneinu, enkema Sheinu. Everything this is for real and this is Hashem's plan.

Speaker 3 21:24

I guess what I'm saying is that it doesn't mean that it can't be does not mean a person can't cry. It doesn't mean that it can't be a person. It does not mean a person can't cry. It doesn't mean a person can't have difficult days, difficult weeks, difficult months, but the goal is to be able to be normal. What I mean to say is to move on and to live like a normal life, which means not to live, grieving, grieving, grieving, grieving and continue grieving. Now it is, there's a certain every person is different and no one could claim that no two people are alike and everyone deals with it in a different way.

Speaker 3 22:04

But I think the goal is that, yes, we remember our child, we live with, with him in our hearts and we wish we could see him in a certain you know again, but we, the goal, I think, is to be able to continue on, to move on and to. Life continues and there's many aspects, many chapters to our lives that we have to continue going and moving on with. Moving on does not mean that we forgot the past. Moving on does not mean that we just don't know how to deal with it. I think that's all part of dealing with it is moving on. But at the same time, yes, we remember and yes, we have those positive memories. I do think that there's so many positive memories, you know and anyone's talking about a child that was nifty we focus on the good parts, the positive parts, although our son David was in special needs and a lot of limitations and was nonverbal and was in a wheelchair and was due to a lot of different challenges. But I think when we think back about him, we think about a lot of the happy, fun, good things and again, it doesn't mean that it's okay since he's not here.

Speaker 3 23:34

Life is miserable and you must be a Malafi saying that you have a Muna. I don't think so. I don't think I'm preaching anything very difficult, very high. I'm just saying, at a basic level I think we all have to. It's the acceptance that this is uh, all from hashem and it's the uh living with the knowledge that, uh, we don't understand why and we can't. We can't understand why, and the more we try to understand it, and doesn't we, it's gonna. There will be things coming up that will make it difficult at times here and there, but knowing that this is all from Hashem, I think that the aside, that's really what it comes down to. It comes down to we're not going to understand it right now yet in this world, and ultimately it's, it's perfect, it's Hashem's our plan.

Speaker 3 24:31

That again, I was saying it over and over, as we see from letters, from that it's normal to feel pain, it's normal to feel it's difficult, normal. That's not a and and someone that's going to claim that, uh, you have to live with stark and one of the talking and if you cry and you, you. Our goal is not to question why this happened. Our goal is to say, okay, if we don't understand it, but if a person does have these thoughts and does have these feelings, that's part of what we have to deal with. But I think if we get back to, hopefully, the better times of understanding it this is all part of Hashem's master plan I think we'll have a much easier time moving on living a productive, happy, wonderful life. I mentioned this before. I got, a number of years ago, a story. Maybe, if you want me to mention, I'll mention now, or I'm indulging too much.

Speaker 2 25:32

No, go ahead.

Speaker 3 25:35

There was a person. There was a person, I think a little bit before the war maybe. I seem to remember there was a person I don't understand, but he was a child. I seem to remember there was a person I don't know his name but he was a child. He was part of Yerubias of Chaim Zomfeld and, if I remember the story correctly, he was there on Simcha's territory time and they were singing, they were dancing together and the child came over to Yerubias of Chaim Zomfeld and asked him a simple question. He said why do we say him a simple question? He said why do we say enkelekenu, enkelenu, enkelekenu? Then we say michelekenu, michelekenu, the other way around, michelekenu and then enkelekenu.

Speaker 3 26:18

First goes the question, then goes the answer. That was, I think, the basic question. He asked Rabbi Yisrael. And Rabbi Yisrael told him emotionally, said you, you know, there are many caves in Yerushalayim. A person can go into the cave and never come out. So a wise person, when going into the cave he would put markers to know how to. He puts markers in the cave so he knows when he walks in he's able to get out. So Rabbi Yisrael, that's a successful cave-goer, I guess, knows how to get in and out.

Speaker 3 26:57

Shubi Yisrael, chaim Zunfeld, told this child. He said there's going to be many tkufas in your life and in order for a person to be able to go through those tkufas, you have to be able to make through those tkufis. You have to be able to make it clear and make it very solid En kelekenu, en kadinenu, en kelekenu en k'meshen. First you have to crystallize that, you have to make that very strong. Then, once you're faced with those questions, mi kelekenu, mi shadinenu, okay, mi shadeneinu, okay, it's going to come your way, you're going to have those questions, you're going to have them, but you already have, you've established en chalakeinu and it's much easier to deal with.

Speaker 3 27:39

So I think that idea, that same message of, yes, there's going to be tkufus, yes, there'll be days, moments, weeks where we struggle different ways. We struggle whatever it might be, and there can be a husband that's having a hard time and the wife has it easier and the opposite, and that's, I think, normal. But just recognizing that we're not Privy Tacharabar Hu's master plan yet when the time comes, we'll be able to get it all and see it, understand it, and it will make sense. But right now, in this world as we see it, we're not going to understand everything. We just know everything is with a cheshvin with a cheshvin, and I think that helps me, on a basic level, be able to live healthy. Hopefully. Is that clear?

Speaker 2 28:39

very clear. I think that I reached out to you originally, um, because I'm not sure if it was this story or something else, but the story with rabbi han and wasterman that he, after his son, rabbi naftali, was nifter right, is that her son's?

Speaker 3 28:54

name. Um, okay, I don't think I told you the story.

Speaker 2 28:58

I'm not familiar with it oh, okay, fine, so we never talked about it. I had such a hard time with it. He said that he like for the seven days of Shabbat he really cried and cried, and cried. And then after that he just he got up and he was like, okay, it says Zayin Bechi, and I'm done crying and this is what the Torah says, if you live according to it and I was like.

Speaker 3 29:18

But how can that be? I can't. You know, rebuchan was known not to be such a maybe, I think, maybe more. I don't know if the word's reserved or maybe not as emotional and there are maybe much regas like that, but I think for most of us, or even looking in Svarim, you do see, not to Ketara wants us to have emotion.

Speaker 3 29:44

Torah does say, you see, the Ramban says does not mean that he did not cry. I mean, you know, we've been questioning Hashem's judgment. The same way, the Ramban writes that the person, when a close relative of one goes on a trip somewhere, there's a lot of crying just because you're missing it. That's normal. He said the same thing. When a person is nifter, it doesn't mean you shouldn't cry. Of course you're supposed to cry. I'm a sign. In the same way, I think there's a Rav Vaz, a Jewish Rav Vaz, that says there's an autumn gudel, apparently a song that's very strongly opposed to crying about, and he writes very strongly that's, that's not the director, that's not the direct, what's there and that's ramban and maybe other places. And you see, from throughout, you see, I, you know many good island who, uh, I'm just saying more recent times, I guess, people maybe we could connect to or in some way, just the name.

Speaker 3 30:50

The playman, achim the gay rabbi, had two children that were nifter. One was born with medical challenges and a son of his that was already older, that was never hit by, was a Nebuchadnezzar. Eventually he died and during that first year he wasn't able to say his regular shiur. His regular shiur, he said a chumash shiur and then maybe it was too long, but then he was written. He writes a thing back during that first year he just couldn't say the regular shiur.

Speaker 3 31:25

I don't think he said okay, I have to be back to myself, maybe a person, certain people. But I think it's normal to understand that for most of us there's a certain emotion, normal. But you'll get there, you'll get to be regular back to yourself. But it takes time and I think it's hard to say okay. I have heard about certain people that they've said they went from one Surya in Shastra to Surya of Hillel Zareel and they went back to the regular. It's hard for me to believe that. I think there are people who created us with human emotion and we're supposed to feel emotion and we're supposed to cry and okay, like everything, giving us limits and parameters how much and hopefully we're able to.

Speaker 2 32:21

I like, though, what Rebetzin Sh Shah this I read in your book right? Rebetzin Shah said that it was very hard and they had to make a new start, so that's why they came to our success.

Speaker 3 32:30

Right, right. So yes, she read Rebetzin Shah, which I was not saying. I referenced it in the book Pathways to Greatness or something like that, where they read about Rebetzin Shah, pathways to Greatness or something like that, where they write about Rav Shach, and in that book they write that Rav Shach said that was the reason why they decided to leave Europe and that was really their atzal was because, after they lost their daughter, which seems to be the biggest loss in a person's life they had to make the decision where to go and moving, leaving. She's starting a whole new life and she writes she just couldn't move on.

Speaker 3 33:02

Now you can ask the same question with come on, Reb Zin-Shach. Aren't you a Maimon? Don't you know what HaShem did was right, Don't you know HaShem is a Kalyachod, Don't you know? Hashem expects more from you, but there's a certain human emotion that it's hard. So now in her, in their Rav Shach and Rebbe Zizak 12, okay, it's right now too difficult in this, my exit. Where we are, we need to start new, we have to start somewhere else, and that's what they did.

Speaker 1 33:32

There's others.

Speaker 3 33:32

I mean I see Pesach in the letter. He writes also, how difficult it was hard, it was hard, it was difficult.

Speaker 1 33:43

Shmuel.

Speaker 3 33:43

Brumban. He lost two children and you know it wasn't easy and those coups were not easy. I mean, I think anyone and I'm just quoting Yisrael, who, again, you know, we recognize the Gadol as being the Gadol and as being a tremendous person, but it doesn't mean that they lack emotion. That's hard. I think I may have mentioned to you and I think that's one of the letters that many people published, a letter from the Rambam. This letter, the Rambam writing to Rabbeinu Yefes, a Dayan in Eretz, yisro, and he mentions, apparently Rabbeinu Yefes had a taina on him, why he didn't respond to him. And the Rambam writes you have a t on me, I have a time on you. Where were you when my father was next to my brother was next to me? He seemed to have a time on him, but more so.

Speaker 3 34:51

The rambam writes it's been uh, eight years, eight years since my mother. It was eight years since my brother drowned. His brother was in the ocean with some families who supported the Rambam and his ship capsized on the ocean. He was nifted. He left over a daughter by the Rambam. He lost all the goods, all that the Rambam really was. He was helped by the Rambam. He lost all the fire all the goods, all that. The Rambam really was selfless. That was Mepharas the Rambam he lost it all.

Speaker 3 35:26

And Rambam writes it's been eight years and it's been so difficult In some Lushim, like the end of Mishnah. He writes the first year after he felt that he was sick in bed and before I published the Sefer, I showed this letter to someone.

Embracing Grief

Speaker 3 35:40

He was very, very, he mentioned to you the person was very opposed to me publishing this letter so this letter that Rambam, the letter that Rambam writes, like I said, the Raman writes how it was so difficult the first eight years. The first year was very difficult. He was almost sick of bed. He said the person mentioned to me he doesn't believe it's the Raman, he can't be. The Raman writes that feels so. Yes, but the Raman had this feeling. It was very painful, very difficult.

Speaker 3 36:24

So I told this person the person was willing to, it was about the statement was about to be published and the person will pay. Whatever it costs, he'll pay that it should be published over this idea of the Rambam. It can't be the Rambam, whatever the Rambam. You know the Yiddish, the Kibbutz, a person today would write like that. So I told him I'll ask my rabbi, I'll ask one of my rabbis, I'll ask Rabbi Ziv Rukwitz and if he says I shouldn't publish it, I will not publish it. So I asked him and he asked me where I got the letter from and he told me I should speak to his brother-in-law, inerit Cisrael, your small son, your double Kamenetsky. He spoke to me a little while after that, emailed him back and he said you think the Rambam was made out of plastic.

Speaker 3 37:09

He was a human being. There's emotion, it's normal. It's very encouraging that, besides the fact that it is the Rambam from many raias, but just the fact that it is the Rambam from many raias, but just the fact that there is a human aspect to a person no matter how great they are, of course, it's a human being there's emotion. The fact that it's hard, it's not a spirit to the person's God, doesn't mean they're anything less. I get tremendous feedback from many people. That doesn't mean that our goal is to be able to be in mourning and grief for many, many years, but the fact that it could happen. A person can have a hard time. We can understand that and we can relate to it Right.

Speaker 2 37:58

So I guess that's one of the points of these podcasts that people can know if they're going through a hard time, even many years later, like it's okay, it's normal, like it doesn't go some better sometimes. If it's 15 years later and suddenly you're having a bad day, for whatever reason, like it's not crazy, it's just a normal thing right, like I found it interesting.

Speaker 3 38:17

Recently someone uh reached out to me, someone who I knew 30 years ago and recently, and he had a daughter that was nifter 20 or so years ago. Recently uh reached out to me and he was you know. He had some questions and discussions and for me, in a certain way, he was it opened my eyes up like, say wait, this child was nipped 20 years ago. Like I thought like, just you know, yeah, the first year, two, three, four, five. But it resurfaces in different ways, different kufas, different emotions, during different parts of a person's life, whether it be a chasna, whether it be an enacle, whether it be different kufas, and I think that's a normal way of how things work and it doesn't mean all is lost. It just means that, okay, that's a certain feeling of normal feeling that the person has, and we have to deal with it and understand that, go back to our recognition of our emotion, that it's normal and, at the same time, recognizing that we're going to be able to get back to our normal way of life without forgetting the past.

Speaker 3 39:31

But in a certain way we'll move on. But this is all normal.

Speaker 2 39:40

My brother was an after at the age of 14 and my father had a whole like journal diary I don't know whatever you want to call it of his like grief journey and the different physics that he got, and you know who he got it from and how he felt from it, and reading it I find this just like amazing. I I love reading it, and he was nifter, my father was nifter 11 years after my brother. And like suddenly I said 11 years isn't even so much like I wish, like he I mean I wish for a lot of reasons that he didn't die, but especially like that like I would love to like see the you know continuance of his like journey, of, of, you know, the getting better and the hard times and the easier times, and I like suddenly like realized recently like I'm really, you know, missing out by not hearing the rest of it. That was just interesting to me.

Speaker 3 40:26

They get tremendous, and other people say no, it's too painful, too hard. So it's like for me why would you want to have a child? It's a child. You connect in a certain way, you see him, you remind yourself of those wonderful times, the times that you were able to be with him, and others feel like you know it brings me to that difficult, painful state of nothing. So is one right, one wrong? I think it depends. You know, amongst the Dalai Lama there are stories about he couldn't talk about something. It was so painful, and we went to the Lachman Obol and they asked him why don't you talk about your own child? He said I couldn't, it was too hard. And others are different than that. But I don't think there's one answer. But I think people know two people are the same and there's no right answer.

Speaker 3 41:19

But I think it's true to say that some people get having just as a picture, as an example, that talks to them and it gives them their, they appreciate, they enjoy that and others too painful.

Speaker 2 41:34

Totally Okay. I guess I don't know if there's anything that we didn't talk about that we should have talked about before we end.

Speaker 3 41:43

Many times maybe when we hear it there's a Chazal say if a person sees hardships coming upon him, he should look into his ways, check his ways, he should call the tshuva. I do think many with a loss, I think many of us and maybe I'm wrong, but I think many all of a sudden start being very hard on themselves or thinking to themselves okay, why did that happen? What did I do wrong? Why is this shampanishing, that type of reaction? And I was. I quote in the footnote, in the Sefer that it was known that the Chazanish would say that you know, stipulus said this to a father after he came to him with a sin like which I am, and then, after losing a child, which I actually achieve, and he said Chazanish would say you know, only Chazanish could say this that when Chazal say the Fashmish from Eissa to say nowadays, we could know directly why this is happening and what we need to change and what we need to improve. We live in a tuba of hesed upon him where we don't have the ability to be able to identify exactly what it is that we have to improve it. It's true, generally we come close to Tarkash Baruch Hu, but to know exactly this is this and this is that. That's all part of we don't know.

Speaker 3 43:23

The biggest thing is to accept that this is from Hashem and I, the Muna Shalem, will continue to serve Him with my full heart. Now doesn't mean it will always be easy, but that's the greatest thing I think that you can say is I need Abdu'l-Khaw, I'm going to do whatever I can, just because whatever happened doesn't make me any less distance from you and anything is going to bring me closer to be able to figure it out. And that's what the sages would say and the yoshe would say, and others would say that we can't figure it out and to start probing and trying to make it like that would just make things worse for us. I think it may resonate and people recognizing that that we're not going to figure out exactly what's going on. Don't assume that it's because you are a bad person. I think you should assume that you're a very good person and you've done great things and wonderful things, and it's all part of becoming great.

Speaker 2 44:19

Okay, I think that's a beautiful message. Thank you so so much.

Speaker 1 44:22

We really appreciate you coming in you've just listened to an episode of the Relief from Grief podcast with Miriam Riviet, brought to you by Mayrim. For more episodes, visit the Mayrim website at wwwmayrimorg. Help us reach more people who might benefit from this podcast. If you know someone who could find it helpful, please share it with them. If you have questions or comments for the speaker, or if you'd like to suggest a guest for the podcast, we'd love to hear from you. Email us at relieffromgrief at mayrimorg. We look forward to having you join us in the next episode.