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The Grief Journey By Mayrim
When I launched Relief from Grief in 2022, I thought it would be a short-term project. But the feedback was overwhelming:
•Grievers found inspiration and comfort.
•Listeners who hadn’t experienced loss gained meaningful insights into grief.
•Professionals shared how valuable the podcast was for their clients.
I realized this podcast was meeting a deep, ongoing need — and I was determined to continue serving that need.
I’m honored to partner with Mayrim, an organization dedicated to supporting families who have lost a child. Mayrim is the perfect partner because its founders and members understand the pain of loss firsthand. It’s my hope that each guest shares encouragement and understanding, helping listeners feel less alone. Together, we can find hope and comfort — one moment at a time.
The Grief Journey By Mayrim
Mrs. Miriam Kahn: My Doubly Special Son
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"My son Zev was special." It’s a sentiment many bereaved parents will share about their child who was niftar. But Zevi wasn’t just special because of his love for people and life, his love for shul, and his intuitive, on-target perceptions. He was special because he was special needs.His mother, Miriam Kahn, dedicated her life to her beloved Zev. Whatever she could do for him, she did—and somehow, whatever she couldn’t do for him, she also did. Zev was very young when his parents divorced, but somehow, he understood that his mother could use space and love. And he gave it to her.
He wasn’t just beloved to his mother, but to his sisters as well. Zev was a valuable and delicious part of their lives. And as his sisters married and became mothers, their children were never embarrassed or uncomfortable around their Uncle Zev—because he was Zev.
When Zev was in his upper 20s, living at home wasn’t possible for him anymore. It was with great sadness and a lot of tears that she moved him into a home. But she constantly visited him and continued to shower him with love.
And now that she had some time to herself, she went on her first vacation since Zev was born. It was there, in the hotel early one morning, that she got a phone call from the home.
They told her, “Everything is not okay.”
“What does that mean?” Miriam yelled. “He’s okay—like alive, right?”
“I’m so sorry. A few hours ago, he was sleeping peacefully… and then he suddenly was niftar.”
My special son with special needs.
I love him so much. I miss him so much.
Baruch Hashem, I have grandsons named after him. He lives on in our family. In our hearts and minds, he will never die.
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Questions or feedback? Email me at: podcast@mayrim.org
Introduction to Miriam and Mayrim
Speaker 1Welcome to the Relief from Grief podcast, hosted by Mrs Miriam Rebiet and brought to you by Mayrim. Mayrim is an organization dedicated to supporting families who have experienced the loss of a child. It was founded by Eloi Nishmat's, Nechama Liba and Miriam Holman. Despite her illness, Miriam devoted herself to addressing the needs of parents and siblings grappling with the immense pain of losing a child. She felt this loss deeply, having experienced it firsthand when her older sister, Nechama Liba, passed away. Mehrim continues to uplift and expand on the work Miriam began, a mission carried forward by her parents with great dedication. If you have any questions or comments for the speaker, or if you'd like to suggest a guest for the podcast, please email us at relieffromgrief at mayrimorg. Hi everybody.
Speaker 2Thank you so much for joining me here on the Relief From Grief podcast with Mayrim. Today, mrs Miriam Khan, who lost a special, neat son, is here. So thank you so so much for coming on and I'm so excited and I know you have so much to say so excited to get started. I have a lot to say, okay, so should we start off a little bit about wait first. Could you tell us your son's name? Okay, my son's name was Zev. We called him Zev. He was Zev Zevi His Hebrew name which is important because my grandson is named for him.
Speaker 2His Hebrew name was Netanel Zev. We knew he was going to be born with special needs, so we needed to give him a very special name. Wow, that's so nice. Okay, so should we talk a little bit about when he was born? If you knew about his special, you just told me you knew about his special needs the other children why don't we go into that whole story? We got it. So my son would be turning 33 next this Shabbos. Oh, wow. And he passed when he was 30. He passed July 4th 2022. Hey, thomas, shocking. It was very, very shocking.
Zev's Birth and Special Needs Journey
Speaker 2So when I found out I was expecting him, we had just moved into this house from another house a few blocks away and I had at the time a four-year-old and a two-year-old, so it was busy house and we moved while I was pregnant. I didn't know anything yet. And then there's again. This is 30 years ago. I'm going to sound like a really old lady, but 30 years ago they did this test. They probably still do it called the AFP3. It's a test. It's a blood test, it's nothing invasive. It was a test for spina bifida and I had that test because I had it with everybody else and I'm a nurse and I'm basically a scientist, so more information for me is always better, even if we wouldn't do anything about it. Anyway, that test came back a little funky, a lot funky and yeah, it was again, but I just thought it was just standard, whatever. And they sent me for an emergency amnio because it was already I was running out of time. Should I choose to abort the fetus, which wasn't an option? But the doctors treat you like you might. The doctors treat you like you might. So they rushed the amnio and then the results came back and he had some sort of a genetic flip where they had at the time really very limited information on what it could look like, but based on what they knew and what these type of syndromes, it was a syndrome, not a name. It doesn't look good. And then I had like a lot of sonograms all the time and they didn't feel that he would be born alive. So what was interesting was back then we didn't have internet I told you I'm going to sound like the oldest lady ever.
Speaker 2Well, I could just tell all the listeners what I told you before. You look like you're 30. 63, 63. Wow, yeah, my daughter's 37. Wow, okay, so you really don't look like that at all. Thank you, thank you. I say I drink a lot of water and I eat pretty well most of the time.
Speaker 2So more information for me was always better. I lost my train of thought but we'll get oh. So they said no, no, it doesn't look good, we don't really think the baby is going to be born alive. So back in those days we went to the geneticists and everybody thought it was a terrible idea to continue with the pregnancy. I back then I don't know where my Emuna came from.
Speaker 2I grew up in a modern Orthodox home I am still modern Orthodox with like a big piece of if it's meant to be, it's going to be. If it's meant to be, it's going to be. And I kind of felt if it's meant for me to have a special needs child, then I'm going to have it. One way or another I'm going to have it. And he was born fine. Let's just say he was born relatively fine. He had some GI issues but birth was normal. He was born three weeks early. My husband was actually a wedding singer. He was at a wedding. He had to leave the wedding. It was a little drama, but everything was fine. We came home from the hospital fine. He didn't look quite right. They pointed out some features that looked syndromy and he started to have a lot of GI issues. He had a lot of reflux. He was vomiting a lot like a lot, a lot of medical issues. He had surgery when he was four months old and many, many surgeries, many GI surgeries, many hospitalizations. When he was 11, he had very extensive back surgery because he had horrendous scoliosis Horrendous and it was affecting his breathing and digestion. But they were not shy about telling us that he could die during surgery and it wouldn't be shocking. They were not even shy about it. Anyway, he did great. It was a year of recovery and unfortunately, soon after he recovered, I found out that I was sick, so his surgery was in 2003. I was sick in 2004. Hashem, 20 years. It's going to be 21 years ago. I thank God every day. This is what was meant for me. So the girls, one of the main focuses that I had. And it was complicated. I had nurses in the house. He was tube fed for many, many years. Then we were able to take out the tube, but he only ate purees.
Speaker 2He was a very involved but and this is the piece that is very hard to describe if you didn't know him, he was the Heverman he was. Everybody in the community knew him. I couldn't get if I was ever going out and walking past the shul. We could not get past the shul. He's high-fiving everybody, he's hugging everybody. He was the Heverman In his wheelchair. He knew everybody, wow. And his bar mitzvah was purim 2005, I I suppose. Yeah, 2005.
Speaker 2There was a quiet everybody is still talking about, still to this day. It was the quietest arshul had ever been was when he got his aliyah. He was able to an aliyah. He was able to An Aaliyah. Yeah, he was able to. The whole of the family came in from Israel. It was a very big event and my brother Alain and my brother Ed McGill, and everybody in the family got the Aaliyahs. But he was able to get an Aaliyah and it was quite a moment, quite a moment.
Speaker 2Wow, that's amazing. I wow, that's amazing. I can picture what you're saying, I can envision it, because I look there's some, let's say, down syndrome kids that I've seen and everyone just loves them, they know everyone, they're very friendly. So I I could really, you know, picture what you're saying. And he had a very big intuition about feelings and people.
Speaker 2I got divorced almost 17 years ago and he knew that there were weird things going on. He couldn't articulate it. He spoke, believe me, he ran the show here, but he knew that things were going on and if he ever saw me crying or sad, his intuition was incredible. He would just come over and give me a hug, wow. And he would say be happy, be happy, mommy. Wow, how old was he at this point?
Speaker 2It was throughout. It was throughout years and years, and before Shabbos he would I still have this before Shabbos, he would like call out light in the fridge, the light, the? Yeah, wow, wow, yeah, all right, and what about your, your other girls? Your, they like? Oh, the hardest thing I ever had to do in my whole life was call them the day that he didn't wake up. They live near you. No, they live near you. Nobody lives near me.
Speaker 2Tova's in Israel, she's in Ramat, bechemesh in Gimel, and my other daughter is currently in Cleveland. But getting back to Israel. So I'm traveling, safdie, I go to Cleveland, I go to Israel. Bar HaShem I somehow managed to go when he was alive. I go a little bit more now. I don't have to hire anybody. So that's a little, you know, bittersweet. And when I used to come home from all my trips, I used to sneak into the house if he was asleep, if I landed at you know five, six in the morning, but he had eagle hearing and he'd yell from his room Hi, mom Wow. Yeah, he was very. I had a pair of red shoes. I mean, I still have them. I will never throw them out, probably, but every time I put them on, every time and they're like they're before COVID shoes, so that's over five years, seven years old, and every time I put them on. Nice shoes, mom Wow.
Speaker 1He was a lot. He was a lot.
Speaker 2And he required a lot of care. But he told you what to do, he made it easy. He was a lot of, he was a lot of fun. He was a, he was a lot of fun. Was it hard for him? Did he realize when he reached, let's say, I don't know marriageable age, that he can't get married? No, oh, so at least that no.
Life with Zev: Intuition and Connection
Speaker 2And he didn't realize that he didn't have quote, unquote friends, because and it's interesting we always had volunteers from the community, people coming in and from friendship circle, from the community people coming in and from friendship circle, just my friend's sons. Till they were, till they went to Israel, they would come in and he would say to me and they would often come, sunday was a harder day and he would say to me are the friends coming today, friends coming today? So he didn't really sort of very strong sense of who he was and who people were to him. But it wasn't. He didn't know, he just didn't know. And in the beginning he you know, when he did go the summer, that I was sick, I had a lot of treatment, he went to Hask, but he was young, he was 12. And he hadn't yet, like, seen my daughters coming and going camp Israel thing. So it was a very strange thing for him. Then it evolved that they're coming and going and coming and going, and I mean they're big girls. So it was a whole different, a whole different. He really didn't and he didn't know that. He didn't go places. He didn't know, he didn't really understand that, despite how intuitive he was, but he knew things. One of his therapists was asking me it was January time and you couldn't tell him in advance if anybody was coming or if there was a trip, because he didn't have a sense of time either. So everything was tomorrow. So his therapist said to me when are you going to Israel next? And I knew that my next was my daughter and her family coming in from Israel. So I said and I actually told the story at his Leviah. I said I tried to think of a code way to say it. I said the big one is coming in for the spring holiday. She leaves, leaves, goes out the door. In two seconds he picks up his iPad, calls his father and Abba Tova's coming for Pesach. There are a lot of stories like that, but that one was the most striking because what? Wow, wow. See, he was fun. He was just like a fun day.
Speaker 2When did you realize that he was mentally special needs From the beginning? Oh yes, in the beginning he spoke late. Everything he did was late, everything was delayed. He walked late, he spoke late and in the end he walked with a walker. But he always understood everything and he knew the girls. My girls were very. They looked alike and I dressed them alike and they had the same hair. So their names are Tova and Shira, but his speech therapist used to yell at me to stop dressing them alike and change their hair because he used to call them Tova Shira like they were one entity.
Speaker 2I have identical twin sons, maishi and Dovi. When they were younger they were just Maishi Dovi to people because no one knew who they were. So you're either Maishi or Dovi, so we'll just call both of you Maishi Dovi. That's great. That is great and that's what it was for him. It was. That's what it was Wow. And they came and they went and he called them and FaceTime and they visited and he just they surprised him. Some of the pictures I have and the videos I have of the surprises were crazy Wow. So what happened that made you move them into an assisted living, so it was something that was eventually going to have to happen. A few things happened at around the same time. My father passed away actually 14 months before my son, and it was around that time that my son's father, my ex, was having a lot of medical challenges and I really depended on him. I went to Israel a lot, baruch Hashem a million times.
Speaker 2I went to Israel a lot and I made arrangements for during the week my mom used to sleep here in my house. He had a handicap room in the back over there and then my mother couldn't. She was getting older, my dad wasn't well and then he passed away and his father could no longer really handle him over the weekend. So it became because there was a parent that was, let's say, disabled for lack of a better word we got moved up on this endless, endless waiting list and it was very difficult, but it was time anyway. He had been home with me from COVID. I kept him home before like a week before anybody else stayed home, because I was very nervous about his asthma. He had a lot of asthma hospitalizations. He got a lot of flu. Every time he got flu he ended up asthmatic oxygen the whole thing. So I was very nervous. So he was home with me for nearly two years Home, he had home. His day had kept Zoom open for him. I wouldn't send him because if anybody got sick I was terrified and he was home. We were home together.
Speaker 2I got extra help. I had an aid for him during the day when I worked and then that was the afternoon, from when he got home from his program till bedtime and during COVID and nearly two years till January, he had a morning aid also. They were fabulous. I was very, very lucky. I was very. I don't for one second. It was really minishamayim. They were really unbelievable.
Speaker 2And now my trips are getting compromised. I could barely be my father was he passed away on a Saturday night my brothers came in. They live in Israel, they came in from Israel and that was like the last time that he was really able to take care of my son. And then when I sat Shiva, he took him for Shabbos. But it was really it was. It was a big tear. He couldn't do it anymore. We got moved up on the waiting list. A home had a spot in Queens Wasn't my first choice. I live in West Hempstead, but yet when we went there we felt that it was right for him. How far are you from there? 20 minutes, 20, 30 minutes depending. And I went very often.
Speaker 2It was a slow entry. I brought him on a Thursday. He slept over Thursday night. I brought him home for Shabbos, I brought him back on Sunday and then I went, first four times a week and then three times a week. It was very hard to separate. It was very hard and he was happy.
Speaker 2He wasn't wondering why you were Loved it. Oh, at least he called it my house, but he didn't think of himself as one of the individual's clients there, right, of course, matt. He called himself a staff member, like when they would come out to give medications. He'd sit in front of the book. He couldn't read with a pen and you know he was of the people in the house, his people. There was one guy that was there. That was okay for him, but really his people were the staff. Those were his friends and they I guess you were Loved him, loved him.
Speaker 2It was very devastating when he passed away. So he went January, end of January, slow entry. It was drama. For me it was wow, I couldn't believe I was doing it. It wasn't right for our family. Till that point it really just wasn't and it worked out the way it was supposed to work out.
Speaker 2I got used to him not being here. I would go very, very often. I called him, he called me. I had, I believe, one Israel trip in May for my father's yard site. I went to Israel and come July he didn't wake up one day, nothing. He was. Oddly enough, he was his healthiest, healthiest self. When he passed away he looked beautiful.
Moving to Assisted Living
Speaker 2I wasn't home. I was on the first vacation of my life. That wasn't children or business. I was in Colorado with a friend. I had to get home. I got the phone call at four in the morning, colorado time, six in the morning. But I spoke to him the night before because he knew I was in a hotel. He loved hotels. So anytime I went away on business or whatever he left hotels I'd have to take him on FaceTime around. I was on a cruise with work a couple of years back and I couldn't get him off FaceTime. So I had spoken to him the night before at 9 pm. He was great. Show me the room, show him everything the bathroom, the pool, the whole thing. So what happened, don't know. Wow, no idea. He looked beautiful, he looked peaceful, he was in.
Speaker 2He had a very unique sleeping position um, on his belly, with his head turned to the right, with his CPAP. He wore a CPAP. I didn't know you could sleep on your belly with a CPAP. He figured it out. Hands like this. I saw him on video. So they came in the next morning to do whatever they do To wake him up at six. They say they had seen him at midnight and he was fine, but he had already. But by the time they came in. But I'm going to sound like a crazy person, but you already know I'm not, so I'll, I'll tell you anyway. So when they, when he called me, I go Josh, josh is everything okay. He goes. No, not, no. He said no and said Zev didn't wake up, he passed overnight and I'm like no no, no, I'm sure he's fine.
Speaker 2Let me talk to Hatzela. That was me. No, let me just talk to them, I'm sure he's fine. That doesn't sound crazy. That sounds very normal. I'm sure he's fine. So there I am sitting on the floor near the outlet because I was using my iPad. My daughter was on FaceTime. I was trying to get ahold of my other daughter. I was trying to get ahold of my my ex. I was trying to get ahold of my family. It was the Khever Kedisha, who's a very good friend of mine, the Rav of the community, this was. And then I had to get on a plane.
Speaker 2But, but that that saying that kept me from back when I was pregnant, at which I hear I'm a very big fan of Rabbi Ephraim Goldberg and his Amunashir very big fan, especially since October 7th. The phrase that he repeats over and over again I'm exactly where I'm meant to be was something that's when I had him. This is what I'm meant to be doing. Any hospitalization this is what I'm meant to be doing. Any hospitalization this is what I'm meant to be doing. Different ways to say it, but that was always what gave me peace and really, even on the flight home, I said this is the way it was meant to be. I had four hours on a plane. I had to get two hours from from where I was. Where was I? I was in Whittier, vail. I was in Vail, had to drive two hours with my friend, drove me to Denver, to the airport. I had that time in the car making phone calls, calling the people that I didn't want to hear. I didn't want them to hear it from the short email. So I had certain people to call all the relatives. It was a lot. So I did all that and at the airport. And then there was a woman at the airport who came over to me and just said I'm really I'm so sorry. She heard me on the phone. I got on the plane and I have to tell you, those four hours I think it was four hours, I'm not really sure because of the time zone were the biggest bracha of my life, really. Yeah, it was peaceful. I forgot I'm a Delta, whatever I am. I forgot I have Wi-Fi on the plane, totally forgot my phone was in the pocket, thank God I forgot and I wrote my hesped for him. I had my laptop out, crying, crying, crying and I wrote my husband Wow, wow. And then I got off the plane and my daughter had come in from Cleveland. Um little drama there. We didn't know that she didn't have her American passport expired during 2020. And she has. She had at the time three kids under three, oh, my goodness. So she never did it. We might have an amazing cousin from Passaic who got her passport. She made it to Israel. Oh, my son is buried in Israel.
Speaker 2After my father passed away. My parents have cemetery plots in Israel. My mother has since made Aliyah that she should live and be well. My parents bought cemetery plots so many years ago that I remember I was still a kid in the house. I remember, like you did, what with a fully paid for cemetery plot, and I started to get it in my head. My father died, as I already said, 14 months before Zev, so I got it in my head to buy two cemetery plots one for me, one for Zev not worried about him, just if something happens to me, my daughter shouldn't have to worry about it and figure it out. It should be Ms Udhar. And so I started talking about it. My father passed away may of 2021. By november, december, I had already made a phone call to eric's haim and started wheeling and dealing and figuring out where. And blah, blah, blah, and I fully paid for two cemetery plots at the end of march.
Speaker 2Wow, wow, another brother's father, I guess, is fine with that. He didn't feel like he wants him next to him or whatever. No, you know, it's like I. I've always been the main caregiver in the house, the caretaker, the decision maker on many, many levels, and I had it wasn't even a shiloh right, it was a question, but I didn't have any relationship with him.
Speaker 2Great, amazing, amazing. It was very devastating for him. It was, yeah, because he wasn't well enough. I went very, very often. I mean I was there every Sunday. I was there at least three or four times a week, including Sunday. It wasn't so easy for him to do it, and when he came, when I brought him home for Shabbos, he was here the Shabbos before he passed away. I couldn't have him home that Shabbos because I was leaving on this vacation. I was in Colorado at like five in the morning for an 8 am flight, so it wasn't practical for me to have him that Shabbos, but I had him the Shabbos before. Our neighbor's son-in-law is a well-known, famous singer who was in my backyard with him the Shabbos before.
Speaker 2Wow, yeah, so should we talk about that? I know I think it was you that told this to me, and maybe I heard it from more than one person that losing a special needs child in a way is so much harder than a regular child because the care is so much. You're so much more connected. You're so you're not even connected. I wouldn't even say connected, you're intertwined. You're intertwined. He knew everything about me, him in particular, because he was intuitive. He knew everything about me, my routine, my schedule, what I wore like come on, let's go, and he goes, you're not ready.
Speaker 2No lipstick he was. He knew every. We were so intertwined. And then let's also add to that his physical care, in and out of bed and in and out of the bathroom, washing up showers, which mostly the aid did. But I got him up every morning and COVID, we were literally in the house together for almost two years. So there are a couple of things. Number one he had limited friends. It's not like he's a regular kid that goes out for a play date or goes away for Shabbos. He went to a handful of Shabbatones. It was very hard for me to get him there, pick him up. It wasn't a thing, it wasn't a thing for us. And he went away to his father and thank God we were able. My daughter's, my second daughter's wedding was in Israel. I got him to Israel, but we were so we're not.
Speaker 2It's more than connected, it's more than even we were intertwined. Everything, everything. I knew everything about him. He knew everything about me. There wasn't everything. Everything. I knew everything about him, he knew everything about me. There wasn't. It's a whole different game. So when he passed away, I'm reading all the books, I'm watching all the videos, I'm watching all the, I'm listening to all the podcasts. A lot spoke to me. Most did not. I joined a million Facebook grief groups, got out of all of them pretty quickly. The people that were my biggest support were my. I have amazing close friends, childhood friends that are still my friends, who really knew him and really understood what a loss it was. Most people didn't get it. Did you get comments like oh, you don't take care of him anymore, you're not sad Tons?
The Unexpected Loss
Speaker 2of those, oh tons of those, from really intelligent people. Well, now you can go to Israel. You don't have to worry about him. That was the biggest one, baruch Hashem. I go a lot. My daughter was there. Now my mom is there. You don't have to worry about him anymore. Wow, now my mom is there.
Speaker 1You don't have to worry about him anymore.
Speaker 2Wow, but things I mean. I didn't walk around in my neighborhood for at least 10 months after he died Because I was afraid of people saying something stupid to me or making me cry.
Speaker 2One or the other I didn't go to a grocery store locally. I have two very dear friends I mean childhood friends that did my shopping for me. I wasn't, I left the house. I wasn't, I was bedridden in the beginning, but I did leave the house. I just didn't go anywhere in the community at all. Rosh Hashanah, they blew shofar here. Really I couldn't, I just couldn't.
Speaker 2Oh, yontif, first of all was his life. Oh, every Yontif, rosh Hashanah, till my father passed. My father is not a front of the shul kind of guy. He was a quiet man and he had his seat. And once I was divorced and Zev was with me and we were here in the neighborhood, my father moved his seat. My father sat in the front to the right of the bima and Zev's wheelchair was right next to him in the aisle there. So Zev was keeping the whole air on. So the whole shul watched Zev find me, wave to me, do his alchaitz, which is adorable sang every song, knew every word, wow, every word. So I did not go.
Speaker 2I have not been back in my shul for Rosh Hashanah. First year I stayed home and the past two years I've been in Israel and hopefully I'll be in Israel now for all the Chagim, so Wow. So what did help you? From the, from the, you know stuff that you read and listened to and groups that you joined. So most of the groups I had to leave. I still am in two WhatsApp groups. One is a special needs group but it's not so active, but a lot of it.
Speaker 2The other piece and this is really the bracha for me that my son's death was very peaceful for many, many people that lose children. So he wasn't a typical. I mean, there are children that crib death and those. But there was so much trauma in a lot of the groups that I was in that my heart was breaking for everybody. But it wasn't serving me either, right, because mine was peaceful.
Speaker 2And then, you know, zev's life was getting harder as he got older. It wasn't going to get easier. It was going to get harder and harder as he got older. And he was an adult and started to have adult medical issues and I always had to worry about his teeth and, you know, his hair was starting to bald a little bit. He was 30 years old. Life was going to get harder and even though he was really living his best life, it was going to start to change. So there was a little bit of peace, not in me, not my peace of missing him, but the peace that he lived a great life and he knew he had a great life and it was time. So you don't get that from the typical groups. So you ask what helped? So there's a man, a very wise man, david Kessler.
Speaker 2The grief community, the whole grief community, knows who he is, and I joined his classes. I didn't finish some of them, I joined his regular grief and then I joined the one for parents, finished some of them, I joined his regular grief and then I joined the one for parents, and then it still wasn't enough for me because I was so unsettled, I was so agitated. I mean, in the beginning I live alone, so I have a lot of luxuries living alone. I woke up screaming, literally screaming. It was like hearing the news all over again. And when I heard the news I was in a hotel with a friend, so I couldn't really scream. But every morning for weeks I woke up just remembering and just screaming Wow.
Speaker 2So I wanted more education, I wanted more understanding and I told you when I wanted to learn to do something, I do all the reading, I take out all the books, whether it's you know knitting or whatever. And I became a certified grief educator. You did, I did, I did. Life has gotten very busy so I've done very little with it. I've supported a few people, but I did. What does that mean? That you're like a grief therapist? I'm a certified grief educator. Basically, I know how to understand and talk to people in grief and help them through Not therapy, it's not therapy, it's more like I would call it a grief coach. So I will, god willing, be doing something with it.
Speaker 2Just wasn't really the right time. I still have this, but what do you get? So where did you get the, the, the support or understanding of, still that you need something different than a regular. I needed more. I just needed more. I needed more. I was very agitated, a lot unsettled. You know how, when you're in something, it's always nice to be in in it with somebody else. Right, I didn't find a community of because and I really, oh, and then my one of my, I love my brothers, they're very, very good to me. I mean very good to me. And one of them said maybe this is the very beginning and I had been traveling to Israel a lot.
Speaker 2I went for his funeral. We came home, sat Shiva here, went back six weeks later for the come up. Matzeva went back again. It was like it was a lot. It was eight trips, it was a lot. And my brother didn't like how I looked and he said maybe you should talk to somebody. And my feeling was maybe you should talk to a therapist. And my feeling was there's no therapist that I could talk to that would really understand, because I can't talk to somebody who didn't know him. So I did speak to Norman Blumenthal. He's the grief, I don't remember his title, dr Norman Blumenthal. He came to my house, actually he did. My son died in an O'Hell home, it's the least thing.
Speaker 2Oh, so he knew. Okay, because he's an amazing person, he's just amazing. I did go to the Shabbaton. The Shabbaton was very lovely and helpful. Um, they had um, I couldn't go this year because I I had other things, but um, it was very helpful. Um, our rabbi, our assistant rabbi in shul, rabbi Yakakov Abramowitz, is a therapist and he didn't know Zev. He became his sister rabbi. Like the week Zev passed away, but he got it. He got it and he had heard and he had seen. So I went to talk to him.
Processing Grief and Finding Support
Speaker 2It was similar to what Norman Bloomwell said and similar to what I was learning, but I needed more. I just needed I needed more understanding of what this is like. And you know, in the beginning I thought I was embarrassed to tell people that I couldn't go to a grocery store, and apparently it's really a thing. I found that out. It's like no, it's like really grocery store in particular, because, especially if it's local, the triggers in the grocery store are next level Wow, next level. And he loved stores, he loved. Anything to him was an adventure. Everything that was at anything was an adventure. But you know it's it's almost like, but I want to. We talked about how intuitive he was. So you know when it snows, you know how kids love snow, but I hate snow because I have to especially single. You know how kids love snow, but I hate snow because I have to especially single, single. I got to get rid of it myself, figure it out, get him in and out. So he learned early on that when he would see it was snowing, he used to go from wow to oh, with the eyes, with the whole thing oh, wow, comforting too. That, like he, wherever he was, it seems like he brought so much Simchat to people Tremendous, always, always. So you say the word Simchat. So it was important, it's important to me to mention his name Nitan Elzev. So my grants.
Speaker 2My newest grandson is 15 months. He was born a week after October 7th and I knew my daughter was going to do something with the name, but I also knew that it would be very hard to give anybody the name Zev. So, my grandson, you just nailed it. My grandson's name is Nitano Simcha. Oh, nitano Simcha, oh, and we call him Nitano. How nice, that's beautiful. Yeah, and you know, interesting, because you know my father's buried in Israel. My son is buried in Israel, so his siblings, who's now? She's 11. So she was, she was eight, nine, six, seven my grandson. They saw and this is very important, this is really important they saw up close what heavy grief looks like. They felt it, they saw it. They were very connected to Zev but live a million miles away, so connected to him, and somehow they knew that talking about him was the right thing.
Speaker 2When I was 18, when I was I was 18, 19, my very best friend's father passed away very unexpectedly and I was not a child, I was 18, but this is many best friend's father passed away very unexpectedly.
Speaker 1And I was not a child, I was 18.
Speaker 2But this is many years ago. You know how old I am and I still remember that feeling of being afraid to say anything about my father or her father. And I remember like, and it didn't even like dawn on me. Is she forgetting that her father died Like it didn't even like dawn on me? So she she forgetting that her father died Like it didn't even dawn on me? But somehow my grandchildren had a very strong sense to always ask about him and if she ever saw me crying, rena, very intuitive, she would go Like she would just whisper, like she knew. And then one day I was in their hat in their apartment and I come out of the bathroom I didn't even realize that I had been there like a whole bunch of hours before I even saw this. And when you come out of the bathroom there's a wall in front of you and I come out and she had written out in her handwriting. And then she wrote and something about, because that was his, he always said be happy. And something about Mitzvah Gedol Alehiot B'Semchat Tamid. Because that was his. He always said be happy. Yeah, his day program honored him. And we just actually it's going to be ready any minute we just raised money for a van, a handicapped van, for his day program at Yachar and Mitzvah Gedol Alehiot B'Semchat Tamid yeah, his day program at Yachar, and I'm going to show you. We printed. It's actually on my purse so you get to see my purse, but we printed these. These are actually going to go out once the van is. It says be happy were his words.
Speaker 2And in memory of Zefkan, who's joy lit up the world. Wow, that's so beautiful because you really almost have something tangible that's living out. That Simcha that he created in this world is tangible, tremendous. Wow, he never forgot a person. He never forgot a face. He couldn't read. He had some sight words he couldn't read, but he never forgot your face, he never forgot you and he never forgot who your spouse was Really.
Speaker 2So if someone is listening to this that lost a special needs child, I guess the question is what like message do you want to give to them? Well, the message for anybody, really anybody who had a. I mean this was a devastating loss because of our connection and also the shock. But back up one second. And one thing I didn't mention was he died in his sleep and he's been very, very sick many, many, many times and he could have died any number of horrible deaths and I recognize that early on it's back to and I said this, I said this at his Levio, in my, in my Hesped.
Speaker 2I said very early on I used to be I'm a recovered control freak, perfectionist, control freak. So A having a special needs child will knock that out of you so fast. But also the fact that I couldn't control anything. I couldn't control my world, I certainly couldn't control his and all of it. The timing, the way somewhere there's bracha in that somewhere. Again, baruch Hashem, for me it wasn't a traumatic death and it wasn't in a hospital on machines, which it very easily could have been so for me but very early on it was looking for the good. But very early on it was looking for the good.
Speaker 2By nature, an optimist, I always think somebody really wants to be their best and if they do something, give them a little grace. Not easy for me because, again, recovering perfectionist, recovering control freak, and this is really the most important message for anybody. First of all, you'll think you're losing your mind. You will literally think you are going crazy. And I was positive I was never going to recover. I was positive I'd never be able to step out of my house.
Speaker 2And very, very early on and I really wasn't, it was a summer and I wasn't going outside I was in my chair, in my bed, in his chair, in his bed, another bracha with his bed. I'll tell you about that. But I had little goals for myself. I knew I needed air and sunshine and not just air conditioning and that's hospital then. So I would go out tiny goals, five minutes. I go out for five minutes and just stand outside and say to him, wow, and a funny story about his bed. He had a hospital bed which I had just gotten a new one because my friend's mom passed away. It was a new bed. I gave his away, I moved the new one here and it was in August. So we passed away in July. It was sometime in August.
Speaker 2Somebody in the community puts out a WhatsApp on our community board saying and it was a friend of my father's, actually my father can come home from the hospital before Shabbos if anybody knows where we can get a hospital bed. I used to lay down in his bed. I used to. It was in his room as a hospital bed. His room was beautifully set up and I'm like, oh my gosh, this is, it's got to go. And I called him up and I was already getting ready to light candles and the guys came to move the bed to her house, to her mom's house, and it was unfortunately it was the same guys that brought the bed from my friend's house who said, hey, where's your son? It was very therapeutic and it went to somebody good and I couldn't touch his closet. My housekeeper did his whole closet but it went to you know, we bagged it up and it went and it was donated and somebody is going to have some beautifully well-kept, brand new clothes, going to have some beautifully well-kept, brand new clothes.
Speaker 2But the message is you have to do for you what you think is right, not what everybody is telling you. I had my friends, a lot of really close friends that would like call each other, they're worried about me, and one friend in particular said she'll be okay, she knows what she's doing. I wrote I. You know there's a lot of things. This is one of the most valuable things that I got out of all the things that I've read and studied. There were a lot of details and you have this fear that you're going to forget the details, what it felt like, what the phone call was like, what time it was. You want to remember the details and so very early on I just wrote and I typed because I actually these days type faster than I write and I typed. I never went back to look at it, but knowing that it's there in a, in a you know cloud file, it's just, it's there, all the pieces, I don't have to worry about remembering them. There was a lot and there was, and the beautiful things that people said and the beautiful things that people did. You want to remember them and you can. You just can't. So writing them down kind of freed me up to just be, and you have to just be.
Speaker 2Being in the quiet for me was impossible. Again, I'm alone most of the time. I had to have very soft music playing constant day and night, even on Shabbos. So I had my iPad set on the softest sleep music. We know how powerful music is, but for me, apparently I've learned in all my studies that it's a form of meditation. So is davening and tehillim. Even if you're not concentrating, it's still so. I had music playing. It was on my iPad on the floor on one side of my bed so that if I needed to hear it, I turned towards it, and if it was too much input I turned away from it. But part of that comes. Look, I've been in the health and wellness field for over 13 years, so I've become, I've learned what soothes me, what calms me other than food.
How to Support Someone in Grief
Speaker 2I've learned what soothes me, what calms me other than food. I've learned, and I've engaged, a lot of those things, some of them consciously, most of them unconsciously, because I've done some of that work before this, which, I guess, prepared me for this. So I think, though, what it's important, really for those listening to hear that, like, whatever they need, it's okay For you as music, for someone else it might be the exact opposite. They need solitude or whatever it is. Everyone has their own needs, and whatever it is, it's, it's really all normal and it's all okay. And that's the biggest piece.
Speaker 2I really especially that whole grocery store thing. You really think you're crazy and people go, you can't go to the grocery store. People say good friends would say that to me. Some understood right away and were happy to indulge me. Literally. They had my shopping list, whatever I needed, and I went to pick it up because I can go to see them. I just couldn't see the strangers. I didn't walk in my neighborhood for months and months, but you have to know, you and you people thought I isolated, but I didn't.
Speaker 2I took some phone calls, but the most important thing, really the most important thing and this is like in ancient cultures, people try to say things that they think is going to be helpful. We all know some of those awful things that people say, especially the one where, like, especially when it's special needs, especially when it's somebody that's sick, you know, wow, what are you going to do with your time now? Somebody said to me and they said it caring, and I get the question but like, did you really just say that to me, right? So it's like the importance of just sitting and I'm going to tell you something. A friend of one of my, very one of my shoppers. Let's call them one of my shoppers. I actually call them my secret service. So my birthday was two weeks after he passed away, so I guess like a week-ish after Shiva, two weeks after he passed away, so I guess like a week-ish after Shiva, and she texted me this is one of my secret service. She texted me. This was the text I'm in your backyard on your deck, I have snacks, coffee. Come out only if you want to. That's so nice.
Speaker 2I was in my bed bed. It was a very difficult day, took a minute, but I did go out and we didn't talk, we just sat. Really, that is the most important thing. You cannot. There is nothing anybody could say in a, especially any parent, especially a special needs parent. Nothing anybody could say except a memory of him. And I can only imagine how hard this is. Yeah, that doesn't feel cliche to you, not at all. The one that. The one that is really hard to hear is I have no words, don't even try because there are no words, but saying that shuts down conversation. I was with a friend, friantif, one of the Amtovim.
Speaker 2I don't remember which, oh, pesach, end of Pesach, the first year, and we lit candles. I was a rack, lit a yardside candles was the last day and she just said tell me what you miss most. That's really, you know, what people need to know, that they don't have to be scared to bring it up. The tears are always there and they have to come. They have to come, right, you know, it's the people that can sit with you. And why am I?
Speaker 2I describe these certain friends that, really, because they would sit always, like unintentionally, say a memory of him, repeat a memory that they had of him. That's what you want to hear. It seems like they don't want to rub salt in your wound, but that is all you want to hear, right, especially of a child. You want to hear that your child is not forgotten, right, right, wow, I'm here, just be there, send the text. I didn't answer my phone for a very long time, a very long time, unless it was like immediate, immediate, secret service, people, level people. Um, I didn't answer my phone and I would answer text slowly when I could.
Speaker 2Right, right, just, I'm thinking about you right and then the big if the again.
Speaker 2I'm gonna people I hope know this by now, but never say to somebody who's either, i've've been sick, I've had a sick kid in the hospital. I've had a sick kid and I couldn't leave the house and I said Shiva twice, never say the words. If you need anything, let me know. You may as well just poke me in the eye with a fork. If you ever say that, you say to me and I have friends that did this naturally you say to me I'm going to CVS in an hour. Text me your list. I'm going to the library. Do you have anything to return? Or, even more specifically, I'm going to the grocery. Do you need bread or milk? Yes, mother might not realize that she needs anything, but if you say bread or milk, she might be like I do not need bread, but I need half a glass. Can I bring you a coffee? I'm going to get coffee. Can I bring you one? Right, how do you want it? Not, it's look, unfortunately.
Speaker 2Fortunately, we've had a lot of experience with, you know, needing meal trains and all that, and it's interesting. One of my daughters loved when the people dropped off the meal train. My other daughter just couldn't take. It hid in her room, literally. We've had meal trains many times for a very long time and you know, it's like when people would drop it off, the ones that put a note I'm thinking about you was.
Speaker 2It was something. It was like I. It was more than just like, oh my God, I got this meal together for you, right? More than that, it was like think of you and I'm here, right, right, listen, you know, having no knowing how to really show empathy is a skill. It's a skill that it's an enviable skill, in my opinion, like if someone has that, I envy it. I don't know if I have it or not. I hope I do, I wish I do, but when it comes so naturally to people, it's amazing and it's so, you know it. Just, it's so comforting for those that you know need it. I tell my grandchildren, the older ones, I say so.
Speaker 1She's 11 now he's nine, and my son is two and a half years.
Speaker 2I say to them you are the luckiest, unlucky grandchildren little children.
Speaker 2I said, because they had to deal with it. It was very awful. It was very awful and you also learned you had to deal with it. So I'm sad for you but I'm happy for you because you know how to deal with it Right. And it took them a long time. They've been to my father's kever. They didn't go to Zev's until more recently, but they were here last summer. They painted rocks. They took them back, so he has a few painted rocks on his, on his camera. It took a while, they weren't ready to go, but they just, they just get it and they're smart kids. I don't know that they're that much smarter than the kids next door, but they've had this so up close and personal. They also give me my space when I need it. And then my granddaughter.
Speaker 2Something interesting I was in. I go to Israel for his yard site, obviously, so I was there this past year. It was July 11th. He died on July 4th, which was bizarre because he hated fireworks, hated fireworks, hated fibers. But so July 11th and it was also a day that my brother, we had an opportunity and he asked me if I wanted to go. It was a day of the art site and we were meeting at the cemetery, the whole family comes. It's a whole beautiful thing and my daughter makes a dinner. We were meeting at the cemetery at 5 o'clock and my brother said I don't know if you want to go, but we have an opportunity to go on a mini tour down south to the Nova site, to the car park, to stay road to Bayri, and then one of the thing that we didn't get to, and he goes. I know it's the art site, but we're going to be back and you're welcome to come with us.
Finding Meaning and Acceptance
Speaker 2I went on the day of the art site and my granddaughter she was 10 at the time she looks at me, she goes you're going down South, you, with her finger. You don't have enough traumas, but but I'm going to tell you it was very healing for me. It was very healing. It was horrible, it was horrific, but it was very healing Because one of the things when life was difficult, like many, many years ago, one of the things that was very important to me when I was really I was working very hard.
Speaker 2I'm a single mom, a lot of hours, intense job, something the beach pulled me. So I would drive to Long Beach, even if I only had five, 10 minutes, and walk on the boardwalk with music, soft music, on, often one song on repeat because it's very meditative. That's a hint for people who think they don't meditate. You might, because you don't have like the startle of a new song coming on that you may not want to listen to. So one song on repeat and I would just have to see the ocean to see that there's a world bigger than my little house and the drama and awful things happening in my little house and the beach was very and going down South. Also, while they're giving you the tours, they're also talking about the miracles that happened. And there's a much bigger world out there. We don't run it, we can't even pretend to run it, and there's a greater, there's a greater mission. Somewhere I know I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be, wow.
Speaker 2Well, I think it's a beautiful ending message, but I do always like to give my guests the opportunity. If there's something that we didn't get to that you want to leave with when you know, I would ask you a question what are the when you interview people? I've heard many, you know. What are you curious about? I'm you about? It's important for me that people understand that this is gigantic, but you will recover. You won't really recover is not the right word. You will get through it because and the grief comes and goes Purim my son's bar mitzvah was on Purim. I don't yet know what I'm doing on Purim and it was a Friday, his bar mitzvah year.
Speaker 2And we always celebrated his birthday on Purim and his birthday is this Shabbos, and I don't know yet what I'm doing, but it changes and that's the thing to know. There are some days where it's going to feel very, very heavy Every time there's a Simcha in the family. It's twofold, because I can go to a wedding much easier in Lakewood than I used to and have a lot of weddings in Lakewood. But he loved weddings, loved, oh my God. You took him with you to weddings, yeah, till more recently when it was harder because it was harder to get him up in the morning. But many, oh my gosh, loved, loved. And I had a bunch of weddings right after he passed. It was very difficult Family wedding Wedding I did. They were very close family.
Speaker 2My nephew, niece. I went. Those were very difficult. I didn't drive, I had somebody drive me. It was very difficult but of course I went. I you know, for those I went Many things. I didn't go to many invitations I did not take but anybody close to me it wasn't easy but it was, I wanted to. I could have also said no, thank you, but you know I had the unique I was alone, which like it was awful and it was great because I could do whatever I wanted. So like it was awful and it was great. And you have to appreciate where you are. Again, it's all min ha-shamayim, the way he died, how he died Even early on in my daughter and her has-been in the shul said this is how she started. He would have hated to miss this. It's like it's this thing and you know I'm not Hasidic, I'm as modern Orthodox as they come Young Israel family through and through. Why you? Young Israel family through and through, and it's this concept of.
Speaker 2I don't control it and this is what's meant for me, and I don't know why but, this is it. You know what, without your Amuna, how could you go on? So it's amazing how strong your moon is.
Speaker 1I don't know.
Speaker 2And one other message to people is and I know that most of the people who your audience is probably people who are heavily in grief right, not necessarily A lot of people that never even went through grief, listen. So that is an important that is actually one of my missions. I just haven't had time to do anything about. It is one of my real missions is how to support people in grief. Um, because you, you need to not be judged when you are laying in bed on your son's birthday or not going to the grocery store for 10 months, or certain places you may never be able to walk into. My son's house was on Casino Boulevard. Anytime I'm on the LAE and I see Casino Boulevard, I lose a little breath. But the ability to be with people and not judge them for how they're doing it you don't know how you would do it, but it's you know that phrase you do you, especially here. And then the other message for the general population is know what comforts you. We're all going to go through something. Best case scenario. Best case scenario we're going to bury both our parents and a couple of older siblings, if you happen to have them. Best case scenario.
Speaker 2And I was very angry when my father died by the way, I know this is the topic here because I was very angry at how unprepared we are for grief as a community, as a society, as a Jewish community, society in general. I was very angry because my father had a great life. He didn't. He had a great life, his legacy, his children, his grandchildren, his great-grandchildren. You know he doesn't consider himself a Holocaust survivor because he was in Siberia, the Siberian hotel for the war, but he had a great life and he made a great life and he left my mother beautiful, the ability to have a beautiful life, and the misery that I felt after he died I felt was unfair. And the misery that I felt after he died, I felt was unfair. I'm not talking about sadness was one thing, but the misery felt like we were very unprepared for it.
Speaker 2But health and wellness is my field. I'm a nurse by trade, a coach for the past 13 years and I knew the things that calmed me. Because we all go through moments. We all have moments where we just want to scream, kick, yell, break something, drive off a cliff if it's that crazy. But know what you need, what quiets your mind, what quiets your soul, and I already had a lot of that down pat. Okay, so that's fortunate for you. But that's the message Know what can comfort you, know what you know. Some people need a party, other people need. I needed a lot of. I need a lot of quiet.
Speaker 1Right.
Speaker 2I needed a lot of quiet. Sometimes people may need cheer and some people may need to organize every drawer and closet in their house. Correct, correct, but no, you have to know yourself. There's no right or wrong. It's you have to know yourself and you have to really be attuned to what can calm you. Wow, okay, well, thank you so so much for coming on, really appreciate it. It's my pleasure. I'm sorry it took us so long to connect. It was nice, it's really a pleasure and really, if I can support anybody, just send them my way I'm happy to. This is not a financial. This wasn't something I was looking to monetize. This is just something that I it was not easy to find the right community for me because it was such a unique situation. Right, right, okay, I will definitely pass that message along if anyone reaches out to me. Thank you.
Speaker 1You've just listened to an episode of the Relief from Grief podcast with Miriam Riviat, brought to you by Mayrim. For more episodes, visit the Mayrim website at wwwmayrimorg. Help us reach more people who might benefit from this podcast. If you know someone who could find it helpful, please share it with them. If you have questions or comments for the speaker, or if you'd like to suggest a guest for the podcast, we'd love to hear from you. Email us at relieffromgrief at mayrimorg. We look forward to having you join us in the next episode.