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The Grief Journey By Mayrim
When I launched Relief from Grief in 2022, I thought it would be a short-term project. But the feedback was overwhelming:
•Grievers found inspiration and comfort.
•Listeners who hadn’t experienced loss gained meaningful insights into grief.
•Professionals shared how valuable the podcast was for their clients.
I realized this podcast was meeting a deep, ongoing need — and I was determined to continue serving that need.
I’m honored to partner with Mayrim, an organization dedicated to supporting families who have lost a child. Mayrim is the perfect partner because its founders and members understand the pain of loss firsthand. It’s my hope that each guest shares encouragement and understanding, helping listeners feel less alone. Together, we can find hope and comfort — one moment at a time.
The Grief Journey By Mayrim
Mrs. Devorah Rosenfeld: My Special Sister Chanie
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Devorah was just five years old when she finally became a big sister. She adored her tiny newborn sibling, swaddled in pink, and stepped naturally into the role of the best big sister.
At first, Devorah didn’t think it was unusual that her house was filled with nurses and therapists coming and going. To her, that was simply what a newborn needed. But as she grew older and noticed her friends’ relationships with their sisters, she realized that her own little sister, Chanie, was different. The things her friends did with their siblings were things she would never be able to do with Chanie—because Chanie was born with special needs.
Still, Devorah's love never dimmed. She cared for Chanie, played with her, and shared her life with her. Their bond was unshakable. When Chanie was sick and in the hospital, Devorah spent as much time by her side as she could. Chanie would call, “Devorah, when are you coming?” And Devorah always came.
Although their parents were equally dedicated, the sisterly connection between Devorah and Chanie was uniquely powerful. And when Chanie was niftar, Devorah was devastated. They may never have done the same things as other sisters, but their fierce love was beyond comparison.
Today, Devorah’s home still holds Chanie’s presence. Pictures of her sister hang on the fridge. And when Devorah lifts her baby daughter—named Chanie—she whispers, “You are named after this special sister of mine. You share her name. You have a glorious namesake.”
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Questions or feedback? Email me at: podcast@mayrim.org
Introduction to Devorah's Story
Speaker 1Welcome to the Grief Journey Podcast hosted by Mrs Miriam Ribiat and brought to you by Merim. Merim is an organization dedicated to supporting families who have experienced the loss of a child. It was founded by Eloi Nishmas, nechama Liba and Miriam Holman. Despite her illness, miriam devoted herself to addressing the needs of parents and siblings grappling with the immense pain of losing a child. She felt this loss deeply, having experienced it firsthand when her older sister, nahama Liba, passed away. Merim continues to uplift and expand on the work Miriam began, a mission carried forward by her parents with great dedication. Again, a mission carried forward by her parents with great dedication. If you have any questions or comments for the speaker, or if you'd like to suggest a guest for the podcast, please email us at relieffromgrief at mayrimorg.
Speaker 2Hi everybody, thank you so much for joining me here today on the Grieving Podcast. So today I'm very, very excited because today we have Devorah Rosenfeld, and Devorah Rosenfeld has a very interesting story that I am sure will be much like many, many people. So, devorah, thank you so so much for coming on.
Speaker 3Thank you so much for having me on.
Speaker 2Okay, so why don't we jump right into it and why don't you start off with telling us a little bit about what happened when you were five years old?
Speaker 3So when I was five years old, I was really excited to have a new baby sister and I was going to be the big sister and I just couldn't wait to meet her. I was so excited anticipating my mother giving birth, and when she was born March 28th 1992, we were five years apart it was so exciting for us and I just couldn't wait to meet her. Of course I didn't get to meet her right away because she was born with special needs and she didn't come home right away from the hospital. There were complications and it took a few weeks, but for me I didn't have anything to compare it to, so I didn't know that was not a normal thing for a baby not to come home right away. And so when she did come home I was so excited to meet her and I didn't really realize that things were going to be so different right away. But we did have a lot of nurses in the house helping.
Speaker 2You know the different shifts taking care of her, so you didn't realize that this wasn't typical for a newborn baby. This is just what you knew. The baby comes home and people are in and out of the house.
Speaker 3Right, and I thought that that was a normal thing, because she's a new baby and she needs a lot of care and I'm five, so my mind, this is what is supposed to happen.
Speaker 2Right, right, wow. So when did you realize that one second? She isn't the same like other babies or like other sisters.
Speaker 3Right. So a few years, I would say, into my elementary school. You know I would see that other kids are going to, other siblings are going to school and developing differently. And she was home a lot. She was sick often. She had to go to a lot of doctors. She had many therapists come to the house speech, pt, OT, you know, feeding therapy, and my parents tried having her learn to eat by mouth and she just had a lot of trouble with it. Food was aspirating a lot into the lungs and she eventually needed a tube, feeding tube, put in.
Speaker 3So I did see that that was different. There was a lot of machines. She had to be hospitalized often. She got sick a lot. So I started to see things were different and I would talk to my friends a lot about her, my teachers. I would write about her a lot in school and creative writing. I would write about my experiences with my sister and what it was like for her to go to the doctor and then at the doctor's office needing to hear that she may need to be hospitalized. Things got, you know, worse in her illness what she was dealing with. So I definitely started to see it when I was, you know, I would say in elementary school, a few years later wow, did you keep those writings that you have?
Speaker 3yeah, so it happens to be the school after I graduated elementary school. They save some of your writings through. I guess from every teacher they ask some of your writings. I guess from every teacher they ask the teachers to give you one piece of writing that you did that was really good and they saved it in a portfolio for us.
Speaker 2So when I graduated I have one of the writings that I did about her and it was interesting, like years later, to look back and see from that perspective, as a second or third greeter, what I had to say about her and the perspective of what I saw of having a sister with special needs at that age.
Speaker 3Do you remember that you had those perspectives or it was like really like new information for you? I did remember it but it was still like so funny to read it and I really wrote about it and like such a play-by-play, you know, just saying we had to go to this doctor and I say specifically her name and what happened at the doctor's office, like every single thing that the doctor did to evaluate her, and you know who my parents had to call, and you know my parents had to call and you know all those kind of things that were going on. I really was absorbing it. I was very aware that there was something different and I went with my parents a lot, with my sisters, for different appointments Not always, but sometimes I did. And so you know I kept her company and made her happy, I distracted her, played with her.
Speaker 2So I knew um, I definitely knew that she was she, she had an illness wow, and I guess instinctively you knew that it was sort of your job to play with her and make her happy and like sort of take care of her.
Speaker 3I did without anyone saying I. I did do it on my own, but I loved it. I just loved being the big sister, I loved playing with her and I just enjoyed it so, so much.
Speaker 2Was there like an overprotective feeling that you had?
Speaker 3For sure. Definitely I would go in the street with her. You know she had a special stroller and you know there would be other kids that would maybe stare at her, look at her differently. And as she got older and she was able to speak more, she would stick up for herself and she would say don't stare at me. But when she was younger she didn't always say things and I would speak up for her. I didn't want anyone to make fun of her and I didn't want people to look at her differently and it was.
Speaker 3You know I felt that that was my job as a big sister to protect her and especially when she was sick, I would spend time with her, I would do fun activities with her. I would take her on trips, I would, when she was sick in the hospital, I would go visit her all the time constantly. You know she would look forward to me coming to the hospital and she would ask my parents when's Vora coming, when's Vora coming? So she always looked forward to that and and the toys that would bring her and the activities and the projects. She would, you know, love doing that with me. You know, when she was sick in the hospital wow, so does that?
Speaker 2do you see that that plays into your life today, where you have a certain overprotectiveness of people or are very strong like um trait, that you have to stick up for people that you feel like are being missed, you know, not handled, mistreated or whatever?
Speaker 3So I definitely think I do and I think I have also an empathetic part of me that came from having a sister with special needs that I look out for people that are maybe misunderstood or need extra patience or understanding of their situation. Especially as a teacher, I really tap into that because I teach children with all kinds of abilities and some of them have learning differences and I think that growing up with the sisters with special needs gave me that perspective of wait. This child may need something different. This person may need a different understanding, a different level of patience, and I think that helped me tremendously in life and also just really having understanding for, for people in general. That really helped me a lot.
Speaker 2So one second. So she was, she was, so she was able to do projects and play with toys. So what does that mean? That like mentally she was mostly okay and even like her OT skills were okay.
Speaker 3So she definitely had a lot of early intervention. Um, when she was a child and she had therapy throughout her whole life, you know as a child in school, I would say that she definitely picked up some skills. She learned how to write I mean not so clearly, but her handwriting was pretty decent. She definitely enjoyed using things with her hands. Fine motor skills were actually pretty good. She would do like those beads, the perler beads, and she would love to color, color by number, like seeing things that are very small, that I would even like get frustrated. She wouldn't. She loved it. She would have a lot of pain, things, those kinds of things she was.
Speaker 3Her illness affected her physical health a lot. She had a lot of issues with breathing, feeding her blood pressure. She was on a lot of medication to regulate her blood pressure. So every morning she would wake up nauseous and she wouldn't feel well every single day. But you wouldn't know it, she always had a big smile on her face. You know, in spite of her medical challenges, she smiled and she was, she had joy about her. I mean, everybody who you ask, tell me about your sister Hani, they would say, oh, her smile. She just lit up the room. It was just contagious and yeah, so it did affect her medically and emotionally.
Speaker 3I think she really understood people. She understood life. I could talk to her about my dating. She would ask me questions about who you're going out with. Did you go on a date last night? But she learning she had a lot of learning issues. You know she was definitely very delayed. She wasn't on her level. You know she was 28 when she passed away, but she was not on academically, her reading level and her writing and all that was definitely buried the lead.
Speaker 2So what about her? Like she understood what was going on, she never wanted to know why she's not going away with friends or why she's not getting married, or like she didn't wonder why she's different.
Growing Up with a Special Needs Sister
Speaker 3So she didn't ask much about. She never asked about getting married, about doing things. She went to camp. That was her greatest fun. She looked forward to it. She went to Camp Simpson Special for a couple of summers and she absolutely looked forward to it. So she knew, like I went to sleepaway camp, she went to sleepaway camp. She didn't really ask about, I mean, friends-wise wise. She had, you know, some friends in school. They were different than her, but she, this is what she was used to. She was used to being with all types of kids in school, so she didn't really ask us about that.
Speaker 2Wow, so what happened when she was nifted? It was suddenly or she was sick.
Speaker 3Wow, so what happened when she was?
Speaker 2nifted. It was suddenly or she was sick.
Speaker 3So she was born with a genetic illness and she was um. She was sick her whole life, you know she was. She definitely um, had a lot of medical challenges and it was her. Genetic illness could affect everyone differently. It's like a span. You know some kids are mildly affected, everyone differently. It's like a span. You know some kids are mildly affected, some very much, and she definitely was. She had a bad case of it and she needed a lot of treatments and she would always go to the doctor constantly. She had a doctor in the city who she followed very closely with different medications. They were always trying different treatments to help her to make her life easier, more functional, and they were doing a lot of research, you know, to try to help her to make her life easier, more functional, and they were doing a lot of research, you know, to try to help, you know, her have the best life that she could.
Speaker 3And I would say in the last, you know she had definitely different issues that came up with her illness over time and we were worried. I would say as an adult I started to worry more about her. I started to realize, definitely in my teenage years and my adulthood, how fragile her illness was and how unpredictable and how she could have some type of episode regarding her lungs and maybe she wouldn't come out of it. A very bad pneumonia she's had, where she had trouble breathing and there were different. She had seizures, she had different challenges and when I, I would say, the last year of her life, she started having a lot of these fainting episodes which we never really saw. This was something new and she would faint, but not just like for a few seconds, and come back. She would faint for a long periods of time that it wasn't stopping. And it was the year of COVID, so the doctors didn't really want her to go to the hospital because they were afraid they didn't want her to get COVID. And so she was home and we were trying to figure out what it is. They were trying to regulate her medication and they sent us a video of what she's doing and then eventually we just had to take her into the hospital because we had to figure this out. And so we took her into the hospital and they were running tests to see if it was seizures. It was not, it was ruled out, but she was already on medication for that and they just couldn't figure it out and they were ready to discharge her and they discharged her right outside the hospital. She had another episode and Hadsela had to take her right back in and they just weren't figuring it out. They were just running tests and they just didn't know what it was causing these episodes to happen.
Speaker 3And on the second day of Rosh Hashanah she went into cardiac arrest and she had to be put on the respirator and she went into a coma and it was very, very hard to see. I mean, we weren't expecting it, you know. We were just expecting the doctors to eventually figure it out, do something with her medication. We were just desperate to see something happen, you know, a change for the better, and we just weren't seeing that happen.
Speaker 3It was very you felt very helpless for her. You just wanted her to get better and while she was in the hospital she also got pneumonia. So she was dealing with that on top of it and a lot of medication to help her get better. She just looked very, very sick and then she went to cardiac arrest, she went into a coma and things. Her whole body deteriorated very, very quickly. She was sick, for she was in a coma for five and a half weeks um, and it was really the most painful thing to watch someone you love die you know, wow, you were with her in the hospital like around the clock yeah, so, yeah, we all were there with her.
Speaker 3It was so covid, so they were very careful with allowing visitors. Of course she was allowed because she had special needs. She was allowed to have someone with her. It was COVID, so they were very careful with allowing visitors. Of course she was allowed because she had special needs. She was allowed to have someone on her bedside all the time. But, my, you know, we took turns being with her and we never left her alone and it was COVID.
Speaker 3So I was as a teacher, I was allowed to work remote, so I moved myself to the city because she was in NYU hospital and we, I did, I would see her and then I would go to, you know, my Zoom sessions and I would go back and see her.
Speaker 3So that kind of worked for me because I was able to be there so much more really all the time, practically because of that situation and, um, yeah, it was, it was. It was very hard to see her like that it really was, cause that's not who she was my whole life and I didn't know her that way. You know, I knew her to be so happy and joyful and then she was so sick and then, all of a sudden, you know you're just standing by her bedside seeing maybe she'll wake up, she'll come out of it, and was just like everything changed overnight wow, wow, um, I hear I heard from you know, a lot of parents that lost special needs children, about like almost the, the, that they, that they, they maybe didn't even realize that they were carrying like a constant burden of fear that something might happen.
Speaker 2Like one mother or father I forgot who said to me like they, they didn't sleep normally for eight years because they were always listening to make sure if their special needs child needed help. So they didn't have a normal night's sleep until the child you know it was nifter. They didn't say this in a complaining way, they were just stating facts. But the, the almost like the, the relief of, like oh, I don't have to be nervous that someone's dying. Like that, that kind of was like, wow, like that, that's new. Like I don't have this big fear around my neck.
Speaker 3I'm curious if, as a sibling, I'm, since, since you were like an adult, if you also really had that same kind of something, like, you know, just around you like, oh, she could die any minute. I definitely felt it when she got sick. You know, something more than the regular everyday challenge that she dealt with and as her illness got worse, in some ways, you know, you, you realize from so many different hospital visits that, oh, it could have happened. Then, you know, like three years before she passed away, we were like she was really really sick, she could have died. Then, you know, and we, yeah, we had that worry. You know, we sent her to camp, she went to Kids of Courage, she went on trips and we didn't go.
Speaker 3You know, a few years I did go with her, I was her counselor and I had, you know, counselors that also helped me take care of her. But there were a few years that we sent her with other counselors and we worried, you know, when she wasn't home with us, my mother would worry, my father would worry. Yeah, they had that constant fear that something would happen. You would end up in the hospital and you, in the back of your head, you know, didn't know if that was going to be the time that it's going to be the end. You definitely have that feeling, checking on them in the night to make sure they're breathing, making sure that they look okay. You don't sleep normally when you have a child with medical challenges. Obviously, for me it was a sister. We did share a room for many years so I knew I was up with her sometimes in the night and for sure you know I was up with her sometimes in the night and um for sure you you definitely worry.
Speaker 3Wow, we were very, very close and, um, I I knew when she slept, well, obviously, and I knew when she had her issues. You would check on her and you would make sure she's okay. Obviously, my mother was up a lot with her in the night taking care of her make sure she's okay.
Speaker 2Obviously, my mother was up a lot with her in the night taking care of her Right, right, I'm sure. Wow, wow. So so did you ever share your experience or gain support from other siblings that lost siblings, or have you felt that it's just so different, like a special need? Sibling is different because the connection is so much deeper, stronger, different. Fill in the blank.
Speaker 3Right. I mean everyone knew, like all my friends knew my sister, everybody, my relatives, everybody felt very close with her. She always had a huge smile, she made everyone feel comfortable and when she passed away, everybody you know everybody was there for me. Through my life I'm saying I had a very good support system with my family, my relatives, my friends. After she passed away it was the same thing. Everybody that was there for me, my close group, my colleagues too at work, were there for me. Everybody was checking in and calling me, you know, coming to the city, because I only brought so much things with me to be there.
Speaker 3I didn't know how long I was going to have to be in the city when she got very sick and they would just like tell me what do you need? And I'm in your room, can I bring you something? Can I bring you something to eat? What do you need? You know they would come and just spend a little bit of time with me in the city just to get me out of the hospital a little bit, just like a little bit of normalcy, to be with friends and go out, you know, to get something to eat. And you know that was very, very helpful, I would say, as far as other people that lost special needs I only met when I went to the May Room weekend we went upstate to. It was in Camp Simple Special, which felt very special to be there because that's where my sister spends a lot of her summers. And I went with my parents and we had a group of girls that lost their siblings and everyone was talking about their experiences.
Speaker 2That was probably the first time I You're saying that you felt special to be in Camp Simcha, special because that's where she.
Speaker 3Right, that's where she spent many of her summers in Camp Simcha Special. That's where the Mayrim weekend was and we were there. I was there together with my parents and there was a special group for, like a support group for siblings that lost their you know, they lost their sister or brother to special needs or different, different reasons, different losses, but they all lost a sibling. And that was probably the first time that I was sitting in a group with other siblings and talking about their experiences. And one of the things that the therapist spoke about, she actually introduced a book. It was called Tear Soup, and I found one of the pages to be very accurate to the way I was feeling and it was about how everybody's life is going about normally.
Medical Challenges and Hospital Experiences
Speaker 3But you don't feel that way, you know. You feel like everything stopped and even while she was sick and she was in the hospital and was shopping back and forth, everybody was getting ready, you know, for Yonsei, for the school year, and for me, I was busy taking care of my sister and then, when she passed away, I was busy with, you know, getting ready for the Leviah and dealing with the Shiva and everything else. But life just keeps going on for everyone else, which is normal, that's the normal routine, but for you you feel like you're you're stuck in this grief, you know, and so everyone was talking about about that as well, and that felt very. It just felt like I it was understood. And since then I'm saying and since then I know people that have lost a sister or a parent and we have connected that way.
Speaker 3I've had friends, unfortunately, that have lost family members and we could connect and they could ask me things and I can ask them things and we could understand each other that way. I mean, I had a friend from school that we reconnected with, that I reconnected with, and she had lost her sister and so it was very special to talk to her because she really understood what I was going through. Her sister also was in a coma, so it was someone that I can call and ask her questions and she really she got me. So I was lucky to have to have support.
Speaker 2So you're saying, even if it's someone that lost a sibling, that wasn't special needs, you still feel like you could really connect to each other.
Speaker 3Right, because there's a special bond that you have with a sister or brother that is different than a parent losing a parent. So it feels like you can relate. But of course somebody that lost the special needs is definitely very different. You know they have the sibling chat also Miriam has and so people post on the chat, oftentimes talking about their stories, and sometimes there's someone with special needs. I mean, I knew some people that had the same illness as my sister, that also lost their sister, and so we were in touch also that way. But you could still relate.
Speaker 3You know loss is loss. Obviously it's different for everybody and everyone's experience is so unique, even if it's special needs. Everyone has a different relationship and different challenges that have gone on over the years. But you could still understand what it's like to lose someone that you love so, so much, and that deep, deep connection and bond is probably different for special needs because you felt so protective of them and you worried so much about them and your life was so much about them that losing them is like losing such a huge piece of you and there's such a quietness in the house when they're not there, you know, and it was like your whole life was, you know, busy with them and my parents are busy with them, and all of a sudden it stopped and you feel very, it's very lonely feeling, it's very quiet and it's painful.
Speaker 2So did you feel the responsibility to also support your parents.
Speaker 3Sure, I did, we were. You know we're a small family. I became the only child and I wanted very much to be with my family. That was very important to me. And for us to just talk about her, look at pictures and just remember, you know, different fun memories and we would just, you know, schmooze on Travis about her and that was very important to me. And also I felt that my sister would not have wanted us to be depressed. You know she would have wanted us to go and do fun things. You know, after the solution was over, we, we did fun activities together as a family. We went bike riding together and we did go and travel to, you know, florida for PATHOS that year.
Speaker 3It just felt like, oh my gosh, how are we going to celebrate Yontif without her? Like she just loved Yontif and we're like it's going to be so strange to be at the table and she's not going to be there. And then we, just an opportunity came up for us to go away for Yontif and I think that was a very good thing for us to do. Change of scenery, different experiences, building different memories. But of course it, um, it changed, it changed us. You know we, we had to. You know, deal with the loss and it was very, very painful.
Speaker 2So you mentioned a lot about her midah of Simcha and her smile. Everyone loved her smile, so I'm wondering if you did anything to like perpetuate that, that midah that she had.
Speaker 3I did. I made these magnets for her, shloshim, that I gave out to all our friends and family, that said, and there was a picture of her in the middle on a merry-go-round. She loved droids. So I just found the picture of her with a beautiful smile and then I wrote and I gave it out to everybody. And people tell me all the time I look at her picture on the fridge and it just makes me smile. I remember her. And they would tell me share with me a memory. Or they would tell their kids, who maybe some of them never met my sister, and they would say how could you complain.
Speaker 3Look at Hani, look at how she's smiling. Nothing got her upset, you know. She always managed to smile and she sometimes wasn't feeling well, but look at how, how she smiles and, and that gave me a lot of um, to know that what I did to, you know, help um, for her memory, for her neshama, is, you know, influencing others and, and obviously for me as well, and for our family, that gives us a lot of nechama. I would say that she also had just the joy of being a Jewish person. You know that she loved being from and celebrating the Yom Tovim and I found that, oh my gosh, how am I going to celebrate Hanukkah without her? You know Purim. And so Hanukkah I did that was the first Yom Tziv after she passed away. She passed away in Cheshvan and so Hanukkah came about. I did like toys I donated in her memory. She loved getting gifts, like we used to do, you know, like open up a different present every night of Hanukkah, and she used to be so excited to see what she got. And then I did that in her memory.
Speaker 3And then for Purim that year that she passed it was on a Friday I felt like, how am I going to do Purim together. We used to do themes together, we used to dress up together a lot of times and I had a poem and we would go ahead and buy the you know the food for the Shalach Manos and all the different things that we put inside, and we would get together and put them and make them, make the Shalach Manos together. And it was like weeks of preparation and excitement and I was like how am I going to do it this year? And I wasn't sure what to do and about. I would say about two weeks, maybe even less before Purim, I received an email that my chocolate order has been fulfilled. And I was on my lunch break at work when I got this email and I was so confused Like I didn't order anything. I was like maybe someone ordered something for my birthday, but like I didn't, my birthday is around the same time as Purim, you know, a little, maybe a week or so after Purim that year, and it just hit me like this is my sister sending me a message and I'm like I just got so like such heebie-jeebies, you know, I was like I really felt that it was her sending me a message and I looked into it and it was chocolate that I ordered for Shalach Manos a few years before for a theme that we did together, but they didn't have it in stock. It was out of stock and so the order got canceled. And suddenly orders were filled. So I called the company and I said I got this email that my orders were filled and they're like yeah, there was like some type of fluke in our computer system. There was a glitch. I'm like no, no, no, I was like let me talk to the manager. There was no glitch. And I told him the story. I said my sister loved Purim and I really didn't know how I was going to celebrate this year.
Speaker 3But this gave me a lot of inspiration and I'm actually thinking about doing something in her memory to tie in the Shalach Manas to her memory. And I really would love if you had the chocolates that they were like a crown shape and they had like pink foil and I was going to do something with her. She was her favorite color was pink and I love purple. So we have pink and purple and like oh my gosh, wow, this is amazing, we're going to send you something. And like, by the way, it's paid for. I'm like what? Like I paid for it. It was just all like so wild so it was paid for and they're like you don't have to pay us anything, we're going to send it out next day shipping. Cause, like perm was like coming up already it was almost there and like we're going to send it out next day shipping. And I got it. And I made these t-shirts that said be the reason someone smiles today and I had our names written on the shirt. I did pink and purple wig and tutu and socks and cool sneakers. I mean we always did something fun. And she told me, like you are not. That was her message. You are not going to let this perm go by. You're going to continue doing fun things without me and you're going to make sure that message is there.
Speaker 3And I used her about her smile in it and I actually went to shul in my costume. We always did, we always would dress up for shul, for Megillah, and someone came over to me and said can I take a picture of you in your costume? I want to send it to somebody. I said, oh yeah, sure you know. And she said I want to send to Shamia Dar.
Final Weeks and Coping with Loss
Speaker 3I knew Shamia Dar from Instagram.
Speaker 3She's a Basmala, entertainer, motivator, and she told me that she had surgery and she wasn't able to like she was on crutches, she wasn't able to walk, she had and she wanted me to.
Speaker 3She wanted to send the picture to her to give her a little chesed, because she felt that I was really dressed up as her, because that is her thing Be the reason someone's small, she wears tutus and cool sneakers and cool socks and that's how she dresses to her bas mitzvahs. And I said sure, and she posted on Instagram and I got tons of likes and I just felt like this is my sister, like she's again sharing her message about semcha be'er smiling, about not letting life, you know, get you down when things are tough and you just keep smiling and keep being happy and joyful and that's what you wanted. And I was like wow, like it just couldn't be more clear that my sister's message of it was there, it was happening, it was Purim and it was so appropriate. I just it really brought me a lot of joy to see that and everyone loved the costume and and it just all came together and I felt that she sent me that message that was so clear to me that it was from her.
Speaker 2Wow, that's really really nice.
Speaker 3It was a great story.
Speaker 2And how much after she was lifted did you get married it really is and how much after she?
Speaker 3was lifted, did you get married? So about two years after my sister passed away, I met my husband and it was after many years of dating and I dated a lot. You know, I really mostly I was set up by shadchanim friends, family members, and we actually met at a Shabbos meal and it was so natural and we got to know each other and we started dating and a few months later we got married and it was just, it was just really special, I mean how our story was just so casual and um, easy, you know, compared to the years of dating. And I will say that after my sister passed away I did get a lot more suggestions, you know, because dating is definitely challenging. That's another story, but it was. I mean I dated for many years.
Speaker 3I was single for like 15 years and my sister wanted me to get married so much. I mean she met a lot of the guys I went out with. She was always asking me my dates and she wanted to hear about it and you know she just really wanted to get married. She was so excited for me to find somebody. And I just felt that my sister worked this out. I mean she made like, with God's help, she was working up there, she was knocking on the doors and she was like I'm going to get my sister married and she really helped find him because he is somebody. My husband, gershi, is someone that she would have absolutely adored. His sense of humor, she loved people that were funny and made jokes, and he also took care of special needs kids for many years, so he would not have been afraid by any of her. You know medical challenges and you know she would have absolutely loved him and I just felt that my sister was again in my life and guiding me from above and she helped me find my husband after such a long time of dating and things.
Speaker 3Barak Hashem went very smoothly and I was very, very thankful for that. Of course, we missed her being physically with us for the wedding. She would have loved it getting dressed up, getting her hair done, getting to be with everyone, dance and be part of the party. She always loved a good party and so she would have definitely had a blast at my wedding. It was a lot of fun. Everybody was just full of joy and laughing and dancing and it was we had. We had a great, great time and of course I, as I was walking down the chuppah, I thought about her. You know that she's there. We went to the kevar before before I got married, and we invited her to the wedding and I knew that her neshama was there with us. Did you feel? Did you feel? Did you feel her neshama or not really?
Speaker 2Did you feel her? What Did you feel her? Neshama or not?
Speaker 3really I felt that she was there. I felt that she was with us and, of course, I wish she was there. You know that's part of the grief. That's very challenging that, and a lot of people that I know that I spoke to over time told me the same thing that you know you just wish they could be there and the pictures and the videos. And you look back at the pictures and the videos and they're not there and you just wish that they were with you, especially for these huge occasions in life.
Speaker 3Obviously, I never thought that my sister wasn't going to be at my wedding. I always thought she would. You know she would be there. She would love to see me get married and have children and be a part of my life. You know you just try not to think about those things. You know you try to be positive and hope that they that I was hoping my sister would live a very long life. So I definitely felt her, you know, with us during the Simcha. But we miss her tremendously and you know she yeah, she would have been so happy for me to see me get married. It would have been such a joy for her.
Speaker 2Wow, wow. And what about when you had your baby?
Speaker 3So about nine months ago I had a beautiful baby girl and I also thought about my sister. When I found out I was pregnant I said, oh, I wish I can call my sister you know and tell her.
Speaker 3I just look, you know, sometimes you just have conversations with there's a conversation with my sister, sometimes Like, oh, honey, you know, I wish I could tell you that I'm sure you know, like I'm sure you're watching over me and you know already that I'm having a baby, or I'd write, sometimes letters to her, you know, and express to her what's been going on in my life and tell her about it. And so we actually found out that we were having a girl and it was almost like not even a discussion. We knew we were going to name her after my sister and I thought about it like that's going to be bittersweet, you know, because that was my sister's name. At the same time, like wow, what is this to have my sister's name? You know how special that is to carry on her name. So we named our daughter Yochava and Chana. Yochava was after my grandmother was really close with and my sister was also very close with my grandmother. And then Chana was my sister and we call her Chani. It's like my sister's name.
Speaker 3And she just yeah, she would have loved the baby. She would have loved playing with her, facetiming with her, going out on trips, doing activities. She would have actually loved to be the aunt. You know fun and do activities with her and projects and you know she would come for Shabbos. She would have loved it. She would have absolutely loved it.
Speaker 2Wow, wow, and your parents could call her Hani honey. Like it's comforting for them yeah.
Speaker 3So I um, I remember having a conversation with my parents when I was pregnant, because I didn't tell them what we were having. But I said like, just you know if it's a boy or if it's a girl, but if it is a girl, would you be, you know, comfortable because I want, it was important for me to make sure that it was okay with them to call her Hani. And right away their response was of course, we would love that. It would be so exciting for us to have her name in the family and really keep her memory alive and really what a schuss it was. And I remember she actually was born a couple weeks early and my sister's yard site was about like a little over a week after I had the baby. So it just felt like it was all not a coincidence that I had the baby early and we named her in shul and I was there and it was just such an emotional experience for me to have my baby named after my sister and you know everybody was emotional and crying and we were just, uh, excited.
Speaker 3And you know, when everyone people asked me oh, what's her name? I mean a lot of people were expecting it. They were like, okay, when is it official? You know, when is she being named? And after shabbos, right away, everyone said, please text me the name right away. Um, so a lot of people expected.
Speaker 3And then, when people asked me what's her name, oh right, fanny. And like wow, how special that is that you named her after your sister. And I said, of course, like I wouldn't have done it another way, right, so I did have time to prepare for it while I was pregnant because I knew what I was having. So I had time to like think about, like, what's going to be like to call my baby by my sister's name. And you know, I got used to it, the idea of it, and so it's, you know, my sister Hani, and now it's my daughter Hani, and it's very special for her to have her name. And I, you know I'm going to talk. I already show her like pictures on the fridge of her. You know I'm going to talk. I, you know, I already show her like pictures on the fridge of her, you know, smiling, and I, I will talk about her and she's going to know who she's named after, you know, and what a special privilege it is to have her name.
Speaker 2Wow.
Finding Support After Losing a Sibling
Speaker 3That is so nice. That's really really beautiful. And you know me and my sister, we were very close, we did a lot of fun things together and, like I said, she was just a very happy person. She loved adventure. She loved going on roller coasters. I mean you think that with her illness that she wouldn't be able to go on a roller coaster. And I remember the first time we were on a kid's car trip and I asked the doctor, like did you go on a roller coaster? And like, yay, look what happened. She, like, did she go on a roller coaster? I'm like, yay, what could happen? She might get a little nauseous after, like you know, you see all the warning signs by the roller coasters, like you can't go on with this issue, that issue. She had so many of those issues and they said, yeah, she can go on and she loved it. She loved the drop. I mean, I was afraid for her. She didn't want to hold on, she just loved excitement. She loved animals. She wasn't afraid of any animal. She especially loved dogs and birds and rabbits.
Speaker 3But she had a love for life and people and just doing things. She always wanted to go places. What are we doing today? Where are we going? She loved shopping and every time I went on a trip, she asked me oh, bring me back a souvenir, and she would give me a list of things that she wanted me to get. And she kept up with everything. She knew what was going on Instagram. She knew what was going on the latest cookbook was coming out. She would tell me, oh, you have to get it. And she would take screenshots of things that she wanted. She was very with it, she knew what was going on and she was very fun to be around on and she was very fun to be around.
Speaker 2Wow, that's amazing. Yeah, I mean, you're really describing someone that had a real real capacity to really love.
Speaker 3It sounds so special and beautiful. Yeah, we really loved each other tremendously. I mean, people would tell me, I see the way your sister looks at you, I see the way you look at each other, that's a really special bond. People would tell me, like, I see the way your sister looks at you, I see the way you look at each other, that's like a really special bond. Like people would tell us, you know, when it came to the Shiva, oh my gosh, the way you and your sister got along, the way that you hung out together and the way that you took care of your sister, they were just so impressed.
Speaker 3I mean, for me it was second nature, of course, you know, and I would run to the hospital, you know, after work, when she was sick in the hospital, and people would say, oh, you don't have to go every day. You know, take a break. I'm like my sister is not going to happen, like those things are a break. When are you coming, devorah? Like I would finish work. She knew what time I finished work. She would ask me you know, when are you coming? What are you bringing? You know, what are we going to do today? Um, especially when there was no school, during COVID. You know I would come up with activities. We would do baking together, um, any type of, you know, art activity she loved and just look forward to it. And it was yeah, it was, of course I'm doing this for my sister. All the time I was always thinking about her and what I could do to make her have fun and happiness and do activities with her.
Speaker 3We were always, you know yeah, I mean she she had her life. She went to her day habit. You know, as an adult, she went to a program during the day, but on the weekends, you know, I would always do something with her. You know we always spend time together and obviously she knew I had my personal life and my friends and dates and all of that. And she would send me voice notes. She would FaceTime me and call me what are you doing now? Where are you going?
Speaker 3You know she was like very interested in everything that I was doing and she loved hearing about it. She would send me a voice note. I remember, after she passed away, like I was like it was such a strange feeling, like there's no FaceTime, there's no phone calls. You know she always called me on like Facebook Messenger. So it was like a different ring when she called me and I was like it was very strange not to get calls from her and I missed it. I was like when is she calling you? Know you like, know you like, kind of like when's the?
Speaker 3phone call.
Speaker 3Yeah, when's the phone call happening? That was very, very hard. Yeah, it's very, it's very challenging to lose someone that you, you love. It was for sure the hardest thing that I had to go through and, like I tell people that you know, lost a family member. It's grief is not linear. It's not like you know there's a process and you go through the beginning, the middle and the end and that's it. It has its ups and downs. You know it has its times that you feel like you're okay and you're living life and you're doing everything you're supposed to be doing.
Speaker 3And then there are times that it hits you a yartse, a simcha you know birthdays, yontif and you're missing that person so much. Or a picture, a memory comes up on your phone, or you meet somebody that knew your sibling and you just the memories come flushing, flooding back and you just wish that they were with you. You have a dream about them. You know they, they about them. They're always going to be part of your life, even if they're not physically with you. I would say that the biggest thing that helped me right after she passed away was going back to routine, going back to work, doing my everyday routine. I would say that's the best advice I can give somebody is to try to get back and do the things that you normally do, that you love, and it will help you feel a sense of normalcy under the crazy circumstances of losing someone that you loved. And then you know, over time there's going to be times that are going to be very sad and painful and you need to put aside time for that. The feel the sad, the feel the pain. It's not going to be forever. That raw, raw pain that you have right after the person you love passed away is going to get easier. It's not going to be that you're not going to be crying all the time the same way that you do when they first pass away. It will get easier, but it's.
Speaker 3You know there's going to be things in life that are going to happen that you're going to say, oh my gosh, I wish they were here, I wish I could call them, I wish I could spend time with them, and, especially for someone that has a sister or brother with special needs, I would just say, like, spend as much time as you can with them, take a lot of pictures, videos. I mean that really helped me a lot, me personally. Looking back at the pictures and videos and the voice notes that we shared together, hearing her voice, seeing her face and the things that we did and the fun memories I could think about. Okay, you know, we had 28 amazing years together. I was lucky and thankful to have that and just cherish the time you have. You know, every day is really a gift and just enjoy all the memories that you have with them and that's, you know. That's. That's the biggest Nekhama for me is that I know that I was dedicated to her. I loved her tremendously. She knew how much I cared for her and how much time I dedicated to her, as much as I could. And that's the biggest comfort for me is that I know I did so much for her and I loved doing it. You know, and, like my family, we always say we would have done it for another bunch of years, you know, but we're thankful that we had her for this amount of time. Hashem gave us a true gift and we all just grew and learned so much from her and we still do about her. And and you keep the memory. That's how you keep their them alive in your, in your life, by talking about them and the memories and the you know the the fun that we had.
Speaker 3Um, I think that we as a family love hearing from people stories of memories. I remember when we were saying Shabbat, like my mother would say to people what was your memory of Hani? And then they would go on to tell us a story and something that they would remember. And even now, if I go out with a friend and someone that I didn't see for a while and she was telling me oh, I remember your sister and I remember that I used to call back in the day before we had smartphones, I used to call your house phone and your sister would answer the phone. She was like the home secretary and like she started talking about it and I remembered it and she would talk to me on the phone for 20 minutes before she even gave me the phone.
Honoring Her Memory Through Meaningful Celebrations
Speaker 3I was like, hey, but now it was great talking to you, Now I can speak to Devorah. You know that she would give her the phone. So you know, this just happened this past summer where I just spoke to a friend and she was telling me the story. So it's so nice to hear, I think for people that went through loss, so nice to hear the stories still now. You know it's almost five years since she passed away and you just want to keep hearing about them. You want to still talk about them, and you know that's very important to me.
Speaker 2Wow. Well, thank you so so much. I think that's such a beautiful parting message. Like you know, the the remembering that grief isn't linear, the people knowing that you know those that are grieving love hearing memories. They don't have to be scared of sharing memories and, yeah, that was such a like nice parting message. So, thank you so so much for coming on.
Speaker 3Thank you so much for having me. It was really a pleasure getting a chance to talk about my sister, hani, and you know. If there's any questions or anything that comes up, you know, feel free to. You know, share with me and I'm happy to help. Anybody that you know wants to talk to somebody, wants support, you know, or has needs advice, I'm happy to help in any way that I can.
Speaker 2Amazing. Okay, so if there's any listeners that want to reach out to DeRora, you could reach out to me and I will put you in touch. Thank you so, so much, thank you so much.
Speaker 1You've just listened to an episode of the Grief Journey Podcast with Miriam Ribiat, brought to you by Mayrim. For more episodes, visit the Mayrim website at wwwmayrimorg. Help us reach more people who might benefit from this podcast. If you know someone who could find it helpful, please share it with them. If you have questions or comments for the speaker, or if you'd like to suggest a guest for the podcast, we'd love to hear from you. Email us at relieffromgrief at mayrimorg. We look forward to having you join us in the next episode.