Mr. Rob Airley: Into A Burning Building

Mr.  Rob Airley looks  at a picture of his son, Binyamin, and asks the question no parent should ever have to ask: Why?
Why did you run into that burning building?

But he also knows the answer.

Binyamin had always put others first. Chesed wasn’t something he did—it was who he was. Even though he didn’t have to go in, he ran forward to help save his fellow soldiers.

There were hidden terrorists inside the building. Binyamin was killed.

October 7th changed the world. For chayalim—and for the parents of chayalim—fear and anxiety took on a new meaning. So did bravery.

Binyamin served in a combat unit, and his parents were deeply proud of him, even as they lived with constant fear. Today, the Airley family is preparing to send their next son to fight for Klal Yisrael.

In this episode, we hear Binyamin’s story and learn about Beit Binyamin—the legacy that ensures his life continues to inspire.

YouTube: https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLsK24OSmIYG_XWzeplhfmb8LJcWKphITh&si=untn3fmHLLaEEFNm

Apple: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/relief-from-grief-by-mayrim/id1788349916

Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/3AvWNp0DrHqE5AVYJHooiK?si=ufpIObuGRumS5uFXmvrpgA 

Questions or feedback? Email me at: podcast@mayrim.org

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:01

Welcome to the Grief Journey Podcast, hosted by Mrs. Miriam Ribiat and brought to you by Mayrim. Mayrim is an organization dedicated to supporting families who have experienced the loss of a child. It was founded La Iloy Nishma's Nachama Liba and Miriam Holman. Despite her illness, Miriam devoted herself to addressing the needs of parents and siblings navigating the profound pain of child loss. This mission was deeply personal to her, as she had experienced such loss firsthand when her older sister, Nohamaliba, passed away. Mayrimm continues to honor and expand upon the work Miriam began, with her parents carrying this mission forward with unwavering dedication. If you have any questions or comments for the speaker, or if you would like to suggest a guest for the podcast, please email us at podcast at Mayrim.org.

Introducing Rob And Binyamin

SPEAKER_01 0:58

Hi, everybody. Thank you so much for joining me here on the Grief Journey podcast by Mayrim. Okay, so today Mr. Rob Early is on. Mr. Early is a bereaved father. He lost his son in Gaza two years ago. And I appreciate you coming on so so much. Really, really thank you.

SPEAKER_03 1:15

Thank you so much for having me. I really appreciate it.

SPEAKER_01 1:19

Uh yes, I did not interview anyone yet that lost a son in Gaza. So for me, this is like uh I guess a little different. And um, I want to say excited, that's the wrong word, but that's I'm looking forward to you know to hearing your perspective. So I guess let's start with your son. His name was Binyamin.

October 7 And Into Gaza

The Knock On Shabbos

SPEAKER_03 1:37

Uh so yeah, Binyamin Mayor, uh, he was 21 years old. He was a uh paratrooper, San Hanim. He was part of a Hesta Yeshiva program, which means you learn yeshiva for a year and a half, then you go to the army for a year and a half, and then yeshiva again. Unfortunately, he never made it to the uh second half of yeshiva. Once um October 7th happened, he was he was obviously um he was in the army already, but he was um he called up, he went down to the border areas of Gaza, and then there's just a few weeks of training before he went into Gaza with his unit at the end of October. Um, and then November 18th was uh when he was was killed with uh two other soldiers. There was um Shabbat's morning, actually, Bash just told us. And um I'll just give you a quick brief uh of the day. My wife uh actually my wife was in shul, Shabbos Morning, and all of a sudden she just felt like overcome with emotion, she started crying. She's a big uh shulgoer, so um it was very unusual. She just had to leave shul right before laning, she came home. My my daughter, actually, who's uh 10 years old at the time, she gave her a uh Munda Vibitochan book and told her that uh she needs to uh to learn this with her, so we learned together, and then she was uh I don't know, she composed herself. We had Shabbos lunch uh with some guests, and then it was um really 4:20 in the afternoon. We got a very loud uh knock on the door, very loud having my Shabbos afternoon schlaff on the couch and opened up to three soldiers who came to inform us. Um obviously I knew why they were there. Um I obviously went up, got the news, went upstairs, told my wife, and she um that was the beginning of the end of the old life and the beginning of the new life, but there was obviously something happened shabbat's morning. There was actually a battle that was raging when my wife started feeling something. Obviously, at the time she didn't know what it was. Looking back, maybe you know, uh something uh Malach when the Shammah feels something. There was a battle going on.

SPEAKER_01 3:47

Is that the time that it happened?

The Battle And Final Moments

SPEAKER_03 3:49

Yeah, so there was yeah, so exactly the time when there was a battle going on. She was that's when she started feeling something. And there was two three Palestinian terrorists who were firing on some Israeli soldiers from a home and actually wounded one person very badly. I think he was I actually met him, he was he was shot nine times, and uh thankfully he's fine, he he he got married, have had a uh kid already. So my son, which is very typical of him, another group in Paradise troopers were going into this home to flush out these terrorists, and he, despite not needing to go with them because it wasn't his group, he he kind of pushed himself forward. He was what's called a negativeist, he has a machine gun, usually given to the best soldier, the strongest soldier, and he went in with them. And there were three of them actually went into the home. I didn't realize there was a Palestinian terrorist hiding behind a sofa, and and he shot and killed all three of them. There was the uh commander from a different group, a Druze soldier called Amalabas uh Jamal Abbas. There was um his right-hand man, which was a religious religious family in Jerusalem called Shaha Friedman, and then there was my son. Uh and that really it just really typified him. He he ran in, didn't have to be. He was the he was actually given the award as the best soldier in his platoon, his uh unit, and he was always the first to volunteer. So it was it was really uh really part of his um personality of what he did. I guess that's the uh the last day of his of his life.

SPEAKER_01 5:18

And so what happened to the three like they they were able to get the three soldiers. I mean, if they were in a Palestinian house, the army was able to get these three soldiers.

SPEAKER_03 5:26

So afterwards, yeah. So afterwards they um the soldiers, I guess other soldiers came in once they heard the shooting and killed that uh terrorist, thank God. And then actually his friend who um pulled him out of the house and um sat actually with Shabbos, even though he it was already had passed away at that point. He he told us afterwards he came out. He came out of the for a few weeks later he came out. None of none of the soldiers could be at the funeral or the shiva because they were still fighting, but he had to come out for a medical procedure. So he he told us afterwards that he brought him out of the house and he said shma with him and he um and he uh um uh and sang Shabbos Smiris with him. Uh yeah, it's funny enough he he just had a baby. This this soldier, his friend, just had a baby last week, so he he just named him uh I think Toha Binyamin Binyaman after my son.

SPEAKER_01 6:17

Really?

SPEAKER_03 6:18

So uh yeah, he was very connected to him and and and felt uh uh felt connected enough to to name his son after him.

SPEAKER_01 6:29

Do you do do you feel like almost angry at your son that like, come on, did you have to be this nice? It cost you your life?

Living His Values Before The Army

SPEAKER_03 6:35

Yeah, sometimes I you know look at the picture of him and just think, you know, what were you doing? You know, but uh why do you have to run in? But I know my son and he would have done it you know a hundred times over. That's just how he was. Even before the war, he was he really put his life on the line many times, even before he was in the army. He was um he he believed he was very strong into Israel and and he believed in uh settling the land and he he he uh he volunteered on a farm in the settlements. Uh he so he used to when he was home from weekends at Shiva or during when the COVID and he wasn't really in school and he spent a lot of time on a farm um in I guess over the green line as we call it. And what they do there is they have cows or sheep, and they would uh there would a couple of families would would live there full-time, they'll have a number of volunteers, and the idea is they graze the sheep or graze the cows, and and it would protect the Jewish settlements because it would it would create a buffer zone between the Arabs and the Jewish settlements. So he was surrounded by lots of Arab villagers, he would go out before the army, he would go out unarmed. It was very dangerous. We had a lot of stories that if I would have known then, I probably wouldn't have slept as well as I did beforehand. But this is just how this is what he believed in, and so he was constantly you know putting himself at risk even beforehand for what he believed in. And so, really, the way he passed away was just his personality. Like other people would say, Okay, it's not my group. I'll do whatever I can if it's you know my call to go in. But this is not my call, this is just how he was, and that's just his nature.

SPEAKER_01 8:10

Was he like that in the house also? Like your wife needed help and he's the first to like volunteer.

Grief, Anger, And Pride

SPEAKER_03 8:15

He was uh well, like my my daughter might not necessarily agree with that because he was treated like a bit of a king, and when he came back from the army, he wasn't doing too much, but he he really he was my wife's you know right hand man. Yeah, he was always you know, well Hashem, she had an amazing relationship with him, and uh, you know, he was all if things needed fixing, things he's needed doing, a painting, he would uh he would be the you know the first one in there. Um I don't know about doing the dishes. But uh he would come back even and even when he was in the army, he would do like one Shabbos in the army, one Shabbos by us, one Shabbos on the farm, or sometimes he would go to um his yeshiva even on on Sim Khostoria, we're supposed to like just going he was supposed to go to um to Yeshiva for Simple Story, he was looking forward to being in uh uh all the guys singing in this amazing, it's a Hesdish year, but it's really special and it's fat. So he was looking forward to going there, and then he got a call from his farm saying, uh, I don't know if we're gonna have a minion or any like eight, nine guys, can you come back? So he he turned around, went back to the farm um to to make out the minion. It's not the you know, with ten guys, it's not the greatest minion, but this is you know, he was always he would do anything, you know, put himself out for anybody, and it's just his uh personality, and that's where he found himself on um on Subchatorah, and then he was he went back to his base, then he was helicoptered into uh a community next to Gaza. This is but you know, obviously, even our stories, obviously, I'm sure very different um to uh you know pretty much all your listeners, but at the same time it's very much the same story because however our kids die, whether it's through illness or army or whatever, you know, we're all feeling the same, we're feeling that sense of loss, and uh you know, there's a hole in our heart, and we're all and we have to all have to create a new lives for ourselves. Obviously, ours is um different just because of our circumstances, but we're all pretty much in the same boat.

SPEAKER_01 10:22

So, one question that I a lot of times often will ask parents is when there's people when they have grandchildren named after their child, what that's like. But I don't even want to ask you that. Maybe I do, but not yet. I really want to ask you like his own peers, like like you said, his friend named you know his son after him, or you mentioned another soldier that since got married and had you know a child. What's that like? That must be so like hard to see them moving on and even naming after your son, no?

Namesakes And Mixed Emotions

SPEAKER_03 10:51

So it's probably I think like last guy's probably like ten people that uh named their kids after Binyamin. So you know, on the one hand, it's like very gratifying that they've they found something in him that they want for their own kids, so it's a nice feeling. Oh wow, they they see this in their kids. You know, just about uh six weeks ago, my wife had uh an article about her in um Mishbaha magazine, and some lady said she just picked it up and um it was like the night before the bris. We didn't know who she was, and she picked up the article and she read it, and she um and she decided to name her son uh Binyamin after after our Binyamin from from the article. So obviously there's some people who knew him, but a lot of people didn't just named and said they they didn't know Binyamin, but they heard about him, um, or they were friends of friends and they felt like um that um this is somebody that they feel like they want like you know his koach and strength and and midot into their kid. So obviously it's very um you know special when you when you hear about somebody who is prepared to name the kid after our son. Obviously, it doesn't compare to having our own kids name after. It happens to be actually uh my daughter named him Amichai Binyamin Meyer. So I would to be honest, I was like a little shocked and I was I was a sanduk and I was like a little shocked, like, oh why is he not why is uh why is he not called Binyamin Meyer? Where's Amichai from? So I didn't say anything, obviously. And then just a few days ago, I just I mean I had a feeling why I just asked her, you know, why um why the Amichai. She said she just found it it would be just too difficult to just say Binyamen. To be honest, I afterwards I I kind of feel that, you know, I I have a I just had a nephew uh a few months ago, I was actually born, and they named him Binyamin Maya, and I was he's they live in Florida, and I was just in Florida a few weeks ago, and uh every time they called him Binyamen, might like I just froze for like a split second. So I totally understand why my daughter, you know, didn't you know had a a different first name and uh and uh yeah I'm I'm quite happy that she didn't name him Amichai first. But yeah, the other people, people who've named him, so it is nice. Yeah, it's um you know a lot of the people who named afterwards we don't necessarily have like a relationship with them, but just people who just would just like send us a WhatsApp and say, you know, we just named our son after your son, so it's we don't necessarily feel this up that you know the the world is carrying on with our son Benoim. Um we don't necessarily feel it, but I guess with my daughter and my my nephew, I feel it a lot more.

SPEAKER_01 13:24

Wow, wow. Yeah, and my my oldest son, his name is Yachasko, named after my brother who was Nifter not too long before. And I remember talking to my parents, my father especially. I'm like, if we name him Yachasko, my brother was we called my brother Husky. I'm like, should we call him, like, should we call my son Hasky? Like, what like I was like, I I don't think I could do that, whatever, but I think we were all in agreement that he can't like we're not ready to have a Husky yet. So he's a call.

SPEAKER_03 13:50

So Yeah, yeah, I can imagine, you know, especially if a loss is relatively soon uh well the birth is relatively soon after the loss that people are hesitant to name after the same name and the same nickname. Uh it'll be just too too hard, you know.

SPEAKER_01 14:03

Right. And relatively soon could mean like five years, even, no?

SPEAKER_03 14:08

I guess. I mean we're two years into this, but it could be to be honest, it could be thirty years, you know. Right. But uh I don't know. I used to sing a Shabbos Miris, I used to sing uh Yom Zen Khubar and I would always like add his name into it because it kind of like uh kind of like fit in there bin Yomin. And I ever Shabbos I would do when he was there, he wasn't there, but but since um since he was killed, I've not been able to uh sing that tune to a different different uh a different tune than the one that fits in with his name.

SPEAKER_01 14:40

So talking about Florida, Rabbi Goldberg from Book Over Tone Santa Gag, right? He's the one that connected us. Thank you so much, Rebbe Goldberg. So he said when I was listening to one of his Amuna Sheerum, he was saying how you actually shared with him about Amuna and how you worked on your Amuna so strong beforehand, and that's really what got you and is getting you through this. So I guess I wanted to hear, like, I don't know, about what you did, how it helped you.

Faith As A Lifeline

SPEAKER_03 15:04

So it certainly helped me. I mean I uh I think you um you don't know until difficulties arise that you hope that you have that sense that kind of battery pack of Amuna enough in you. I I think it's always important when things are uh are going well to invest in you know learning about Amuna and listening to Shure M and whether it's uh Robin Orboks uh living with Amuna, it's shear an Amuna or David Shir's Amuna, or just I guess just trying to look through the the world with with uh moona glasses uh when things are are going well than when things you know don't necessarily turn out how you want it, um then you're able to handle it better. Um but it's like anything, it's always a a uh a test of a moona. You know, I just actually met, had a uh coffee today with uh there's a rabbi, I don't know if you remember a few years ago, uh Leo D, his his wife and two kids were killed in a terrorist attack. So he has you know five kids, now he has three, his wife was killed. I mean, I'm thinking about how I'm going through his difficult, but to lose your wife and two kids at the same time. So he I feel like he's a like a paradigm of uh of a moon or just listening to him. So there's always people um you know we can learn from. Um and sometimes you don't know. Um sometimes you don't know um that it's gonna kick in uh when it does. Uh I think everybody faces challenges in life. That's why we're here, it's a life you know full of tests and challenges, and we have to just be as well equipped as possible. So uh I would you know recommend in the good times to learn as much as you can. Um and in the not so difficult times you just gotta hang on, almost like uh you know, hang on when the when the ship is uh is is sinking, as it were, you just gotta hang on to something, hang on to that lifeboat, which I think is uh moon. That's the the the the myth of this generation. I've heard it said before, like this is like the mitzvah of this generation. You know, I don't uh I don't think it was spoken about as much like 30 years ago, you know, when I was I was wasn't religious growing up, it's like becoming religious. There weren't so many books and and sheer about Amuna. It feels like every every rabbi now has like a series of amuna. I think we just because we just all need it. And and think perhaps maybe you know, people had more an inherent uh sense of Amuna 30 years ago, 50 years ago, 100 years ago, they they had it was more um you know deep inside them and we've lost that, and that's why we need to be taught from different rabbis and different classes, right? So we can have the sense of Amuna.

SPEAKER_01 17:48

So usually it's more like someone goes through something and they say, like, oh my gosh, I can't do this. I need to find Hashem because I can't do this without Hashem. You're saying you basically woke up one morning and said, You know, my life is going good, where Hashim, I better work on my relationship.

SPEAKER_03 18:00

I've also happened, you don't know my wife. My wife is the most positive person. She has a tremendous amount of Amuna. You know, when when um so a lot of it I I must give credit to my wife. So even though it was just hearing her, she had a Khavrusis with Amuna, a Kavrusa she learned that with a shear's book with a lady friend over the phone every day. She when the war started, she learned Amuna's farm with a few other women um who also sons are also in the army. And so she has really big like I guess vicariously just listening to her, you know, you just hear it and feel it. And she's like to be honest, she's she's like and she's like living it, you know. With the for example, we I guess we could talk about this later on, but we we uh bought a home in in Svates for uh an Airbnb. Turned into a retreat center, having to talk about that later at the Schlossem for my son. You know, my wife um decided that's it. We're going from her hurtzel where my son is buried on the Schlosham, we're gonna go straight up to Tvat. They have a minibus up there, and we're gonna have a Hanakata by it. We're gonna uh put uh mazizas on the on on the home.

SPEAKER_01 19:09

We put so you were saying you bought it during the before the war.

Different Paths Through Grief

SPEAKER_03 19:13

You bought it before the war. It was being renovated and and it was like ready to put mazizas up and have a kanaka bayeth. So she decided that's it, we're going up, we're we're we're gonna put mazes up, we're gonna um we're going to uh um have a chanakotaba it. And so that's her perspective, and so Bar Hashem um has permeated our home. I guess I'm the one of the benef uh beneficiaries of her moon.

SPEAKER_01 19:40

Right.

SPEAKER_03 19:41

But yeah, I mean bless the Brah Hashem life was good, living in Israel, kids are happy, um have all the you know Sean Baas, Panasa, things are going well. So I had nothing to complain about, just you know, to thank Hashem. Did I thank Hashem enough? Probably not. I mean definitely not. I should have always been thanking Hashem and I had a lot of bracha in my life, and I still have a lot of bracha in my life, and uh should definitely be thanking Hashem more for it. That's um I guess a key part of the Muna that we should all be doing, and that's I I think that helps a lot of people get through difficult situations when you can be thankful for everything that we do have and recognize that there's a source for that. And it's not just us that's doing everything, but it's Hashem. But I like everybody, I need to spend more time uh thinking about the blessings we have and the and thanking Hashem for what we have.

SPEAKER_01 20:30

And what about your other children? This like the the Muna that you and your wife have, they they kind of got a biosmosis also, or they have to work very hard on it.

Letting Another Son Serve

SPEAKER_03 20:38

I think it's a work in progress for everybody, everyone has to work on it, you can't just take anything for granted. I have a a 24-year-old, two kids. Uh my my third child, Binyamin's our second oldest. He he just got married in the uh in the um April, March, April last last year, and we have three younger kids. And it's you know it it's it's challenging. One of my sons is was especially close to Binyamin and saw him as like a role model and uh and uh model himself on him and they're quite similar personalities, so it's I think especially difficult for him, but um you know he does so he doesn't like to talk about it, so it's hard to know where he's he's one of the quiet ones. You just don't know what he's thinking. Um I think he just tries to ignore it as much as possible. He he personally doesn't like to go to the keva, he doesn't when we have gatherings, he doesn't like to attend attend them. It's just I guess the way he deals with it, whether for good or for bad, so it's hard to know with him, especially if his moon has been jolted or not. Um listen, it has to affect everybody, I think. But I I think kids, you know, it's important you know, to look to their parents. If the parents are strong and the kids are strong, and as we were talking with Rabbi D this morning, actually, we're just talking. About like when parents are really suffering with a bereavement and the kids feel it, and it really affects the kids. You know, kids look to their parents for guidance. So if they're struggling, they'll struggle. If the kids are doing well, they'll do well. Our daughter, I think it was just in the within the first the Schlossem. She said, you know, we're all you know, we're struggling, but we're not we're not we're broken, but we're not completely broken because they they see us as parents that we're not completely broken, that we are um trying to um live our life as best as we can and be as optimistic and positive. And I think that it uh affected them. I hope it affects them. But this is you know, we're only two years into this. This is a whole new world for us. Who knows? Five years, ten years, twenty years down the line. There's um, I'm sure a lot of your listeners uh know a lot more than than we do. Um how the future holds.

SPEAKER_01 22:57

It's not really about knowing, it's it's about experiencing. Like everyone experiences their own grief journey their own way in their own head.

SPEAKER_03 23:04

Right. Yeah, that's an important part that everyone experiences everything differently, and some people can um some people are able to um you know speak about their kids and uh pictures and watch videos. I find it on the harder end. I just can't watch a you know a video of my son. Pictures I've managed to get to slowly, that's okay, but videos definitely not, you know. I'm just prefer you know, deal with it differently than my my wife. My wife's happy to have family gatherings to talk about him and and and be involved with like army memorials and things like that, and I'm definitely uh don't like that and try and get away with not going to any of these things as much as possible. Uh I'm sure also people every spouse deals with grief in in exactly the same way.

SPEAKER_01 23:53

I wonder if any two spouses ever deal with grief the same way.

SPEAKER_03 23:57

Right. I can't imagine. I just do different personalities. Your wife are very different to begin with, so it just feels we deal with it very differently. I'd I'd be happy not to go to any of these any of these events or any of these things, and you know, but um she's you know she's happy to um to have that. So it was different.

SPEAKER_01 24:21

I'm traumatized from the vision of you opening up the door on Jabba's afternoon and there's like three soldiers. How like how are you letting your next kid go to the army?

Service, Anxiety, And Purpose

SPEAKER_03 24:30

Right. So my next son was actually also in a heads to Shiva as well as in uh Caribbean Avenue, and he was also deciding to when his year and a half was up, so he had to go into the army. So he had to uh decide what he wanted to do, and he also wanted to be a paratrooper. So obviously, I was not particularly happy about that, especially so soon after uh after Binyam. And we went to see Usher Weiss shortly after the Schlossan, and he his advice was you have to let your son decide for himself what is best for him, you can't make the decision for him, because ultimately the decision is with us because we we're the ones who have to sign. If he goes into a combat unit, we have to sign off a waiver that we're okay with our son being in a combat unit. Uh ultimately was our decision, but he said you've got to leave it up to your kid. Thankfully, with him, he was just he was just started, he was in two minds because of what we're going through. So, and he also started dating around the same time, which is now his wife. So he decided, thank God for us, and and hopefully for him, that he went into the intelligence unit instead. So he was like a desk job. So we kind of escaped that uh bullet, as he would say. Uh, next kid is like Binyamin, he only wants a combat unit, and in fact, he wants uh an elite unit. He's very gung-ho about going into the elite unit. In fact, he just was told that his army profile isn't strong enough because his eyesight's quite poor, so he he just had like laser surgery on his eyes so that his eyesight will improve so he can get a better unit in the army. So that's where he's holding. And it would just kill if I decided not to sign off, it would just destroy him. So even though we have a f a few a couple more years, he's gonna go to Yeshiva next year's in 12th grade, it would really I think destroy him and destroy our relationship with him if we said no and after what Russia Weiss said um he'll let him kind of go on the path. And I'll let you know if I'm sleeping once he goes in, you can call me in a couple of years and I'll tell you. Uh but for now we're we're pretty much you know, everyone's uh at home, so we're good.

SPEAKER_01 26:54

It's like you know, Cliestell needs these soldiers and these parents, and we need you so badly, and at the same time it's like oh my gosh, like how? How? Like you you you can't like it's like so like I I don't know, it's like nightmarish to think of what you know what the parents are going through.

Founding Beit Binyamin

SPEAKER_03 27:11

I can't even I mean it's a lot of anxiety. Parents who are you know the kids are fine to send your kids off to war and be in obviously very dangerous situations, a lot of anxiety and a lot of uh of of um difficult sleepless nights. I just remember that you know the feelings the first six weeks before you pass before he was killed, you know, it was just tremendously anxiety. I think I lost about 10 pounds, which wasn't such a bad thing. It was and a lot of people go through that, and it's and and it is difficult for parents and and for spouses and for people themselves. A lot of you know, unfortunately uh BTSD and people having difficulties, but it's a tremendous mitzvah to be able to defend Israel, defend Jewish lives, save Jewish lives, and that's why I mean it seems so long ago now, but you know, two years ago, it's why people were flying back from Khuslaritz to to fight court rates for like over 100% because people understood this is the the mitzvah at hand. We have to go in, we have to um help and um and save Jewish lives. So you know we feel you know it's a privilege that they are able to serve and be involved with that, but at the same time it's you know has the consequences which we're obviously uh we as a family are are feeling, and other families even if their kids are alive and well it does uh you know consequence and there's an effect on on the on relationships and family life.

SPEAKER_01 28:39

I don't know, you should all be benched, it's amazing. So let's talk about bait benyamen, it's called right. I I don't even know how to say with a tough. I say base.

Retreats, Healing, And Impact

SPEAKER_03 28:47

Yeah, base. If you right, you have to look at B E I T binyamen on if you look at it online, not B E I S. Um so about a few years before uh well, I think a year or so, a year and a half before the war, um myself and my wife were due to have like a you know a day out together, we where should we go? And my wife saw a um a house for sale in in Svat, and we were not looking to purchase a house. We had the necessary the money to do it. Okay, we'll go to Svat. We both love SVAT, we're both um connected to it, and we went up there and uh we saw this home, and like wow, we just instantly fell in love with it, we saw the tremendous potential, it was very large, it was you know, four separate entrances, it was an eight-bedroom, it was a beautiful rooftop overlooking the run, a nice courtyard, and the price was good. And but and so we ended up making an offer that day. It was totally out of uh character for us. We just decided, in fact, it was quite funny because we went to see um another house. We wanted to see another house with the same price, just compare it, and and we said to the real estate agent, like, you know, we just need another set of eyes, we need uh uh an architect or a designer just to take a look at this house because we you know it's too hard for us to make the decision. And she said, Well, there's only one person in Svat that can do this job, but he his name's Eliv. He's literally the busiest person, you'll never be able to meet with him. He's so busy, he's got so much going on. And then with about 30 seconds of her saying that, all of a sudden Eliv just walked right past us, and um, and then we told we asked him, you know, begged him to come into the house, take a look, and when he gave his uh Haskamah, we put an offer in, and we we thought about using it as like an Airbnb investment because he has like four separate entrances, you can have four different families. So that was the initial plan. Obviously, um that was the plan we thought of. Shamid obviously I feel like engineered this whole thing beforehand so that when the war started and after our son was killed, we changed tracks and um we decided to turn this into a uh home, a retreat center for soldiers or wives of soldiers, for Nova survivors, bereaved families. And since then, um I guess it was uh pace up will be two years, we've been had our doors have been opened, so we're constantly having either families coming who need the respite, who's you know, perhaps the husband the father, the husband's been fighting for a few hundred days and just needs time to relax and be with the family, and we provide everything for them, whether it's a spa, whether it's uh tours of svat, ceramics, or food. Um, and at the same time, we're also doing retreats as well. Where we have actually today we had my wife just came back from the Svat there was a uh English-speaking bereaved mothers retreat for soldiers. So it was a retreat, and we give them this spa, like a glass blowing, and there's therapy, and we have a whole tailored structured program for a couple of days. Last week we had a um Nova Survivors retreat, mostly not religious people who are um surprisingly, some of them are really like connecting back to Judaism, um, and some of them just need like the support. We I was just actually there. I think last month we had a six weeks ago, we had a um Nova Survivors retreat, and uh it was amazing. I already saw like a even before the retreat, there was a few people who were already starting to become religiously religious, and they they said they've been to you know seven or eight retreats, they've been to a lot of different places, and they felt like our retreat was like the best. Physical, the Gashmus, the Ruchnias created an amazing environment for them. Next week we have parents of Nova kids who were killed, who are coming to retreats, and we'll constantly have retreats. And as far as I'm aware, we're I mean there's a lot of these organizations now have retreats, and some of them go to Cyprus and some of them go to the to Florida, but I think with with anyone that's it's a religious spiritual setting, and with Shabbat and uh obviously Kashwut and and uh you know speaking about the Imuna um and um you know I think we've like created this um amazing environment where people come and we're you know constantly busy. I mean unfortunately it's a drop in the ocean because the because of what the society needs, Israel, we need about you know a hundred of these houses, but um we're you know there's always room for us to expand. Um Hashem. I feel like we're we're helping a lot of people.

SPEAKER_01 33:27

It's amazing. And all this comes out of like your own packet?

SPEAKER_03 33:31

Well, we the house was bought with with us and the help of uh at the bank, but um since then we've been fundraising. So all the all the events, everything is is all donations. We're not charging people to come to the events or to for the chavises or the retreats. Uh so everything is is really uh donations.

SPEAKER_01 33:50

So and how far are you from Savat? Like how how far is even this?

Fundraising And Operations

SPEAKER_03 33:55

So it's it's about two hours, just over two hours. So we're not there all the time. We have a an executive director um who is more involved with day-to-day. You have somebody in Savat as well who's just involved with like the the laundry and the cleaning and that kind of you know, basic stuff. And then depending on the retreats, um Yeah, my wife was up this week, she was up, I think, uh two weeks ago also for a we had we had a um actually created a um a two-month course to teach resilience for wives of soldiers who, as you can imagine, you know, being away from their homes for two, three, four hundred days, a big effect on family life and relationships with kids and spouses. So we've kind of created like a two-month Zoom course, and in the middle we uh we put together a um a two-day retreat to teach them resilience. We had therapists, so my wife went up for that two weeks ago. So it's it depends. Sometimes we won't go up for a number of weeks, sometimes we'll go up. We also host um you know different shoals when they're in the north from the states, they'll come. A few months ago we had H Kodish and uh we hosted them uh one evening. We put on a um um uh a meal, an event for them and speakers, so they can get a small taste of of um you know what we're doing, and it's a it's an amazing base for its fact because then you know we could it's uh you know we can host probably up to about 50 people. So um, so yeah, so we we we go up um and but um and we're involved also just just I'm a regular job, I'm a headhunter, recruiter, but I'm also like involved a bit more in the back end here, trying to do some fundraising. So this is a new experience for me to ask people for money. So lots of new experiences in the last couple of years.

SPEAKER_01 35:46

Wow, and what I just want to ask you, oh yeah, did you take the opportunity to like write different like things about binyamin that you could hang around the house? That people and who's like who's getting an alyah for all this?

Mitzvot In Binyamin’s Memory

SPEAKER_03 35:57

So there's been a lot of special things, you know. When I um there's been a few books, Machin Salta wrote a book on October 7th and he included a chapter on Binyamen. There was just a book last week that just came out from different Hesda Yeshiva students that were killed. There's a chapter on binyamen. Um and my wife spoken on like podcasts and and Sha Torah did a documentary on him as well. And at the same time, actually, when my my when my son was uh killed at the Shivam at the uh funeral, my wife said she's gonna put a book together and people should do it, write down a mitzvah to in Skotab Vinyamin and to bring the rula. And it was that was like very special, especially at the beginning, because we literally had thousands of people who who wrote down a different mitzvat that they would take upon themselves. And when people we had the beginning, we had a lot of people came to the house. You know, we groups would come to Israel, especially at the beginning of the war, the first six months, where groups would come, different colleges, shuls, and my wife would make sure that they would write down the mitzvah they would do. Um, and um just recently, for example, she said there was uh some girl from Stone College that there were 13 girls who worked down that they would do a mitzvah, and she said that 12 of them, you know, a year and a half later are still doing it. And uh we had one girl who we we spoke one night uh for Asian, UK Asian. The girl said that she um after hearing about Binyamin and his modesty, was a very modest person, she decided she's gonna only start wearing skirts from now on and dress modestly, and she now only wears uh modest clothing and a lot. There's quite a few stories like similar. One person decided they're making alias, excuse me, because of this. So that was comforting, I think, in a sense, knowing that um people's lives are changing a little bit um because of because of him. So that was you know, like I say, quite comforting.

SPEAKER_01 38:07

Do you disparage people from making aliyah now? Like after losing a child?

SPEAKER_03 38:11

So obviously when we moved, my my son was four, so we weren't thinking about army and we weren't thinking about um having to serve and being in a war. But I think it's so important that we're hitting the no, I feel like this is it. We're getting close to the ghoula, end of the gallus, beginning of the ghoula. This is the time to come home, and I think it's just um uh the lifestyle is is so much better than than the states, and um obviously the statistics of being killed in battle is still you know quite small, and I think it's important for you know people to come home to live. I don't think you can live as a you know complete Jew unless you're you know living in Israel. Um obviously Jewish life is is you know beautiful and wonderful in the states, but I feel like people are missing out on something when they don't live in Israel.

Aliyah, Values, And Resolve

SPEAKER_01 39:03

Wow. So I guess we can end off if there is any message or insight that speaks especially to parents of fallen soldiers that might be different from those of other babies' parents.

Community As Medicine

SPEAKER_03 39:16

So I I think it's the you know, based on the conversations, I I it's probably you know similar. Some people you know deal with it in a much more positive manner, and some people are really finding it very difficult. You know, one of our neighbors who also lost a child, and I don't think she's you know it's not the first year, she hardly left the house the first year, and yet there's other people who spent time with Leo Rabbi Dee, who I met this morning, who's lost a wife and two kids, is incredibly positive and it's filled with amuna, and there's everything in between, and I think that's probably the same with uh anybody who has a um suffered a loss with a child, and I I think we're we're quite similar, it's just perhaps the circumstances of how they died are different. One thing I would add, you know, we went to um uh retreat ourselves there's an organization called the Kobe Mandel organization. Some was killed in a terror attack in second and to fada in the year 2000. They said that they found that um the people who do best, this is what they felt, who were able to manage better when it comes to suffering the loss, were those who are surrounded by a warm and embracing community, and the ones who the people who are very isolated and don't have a community around them, as a rule fare um a little differently, not as well. And they're worked with hundreds, thousands of Bari families over the last 25 years, 30 years, whatever. So it's um um I think it's an important point. So I think you know, we as parents and soldiers we definitely get that love and support of community. I feel that um I'm sure people who've have suffered um a loss when it comes to an illness, a serious illness feel get that. But I can imagine there's people who you know that let's say necessarily their kids maybe died of an overdose or suicide, or which is unfortunately becoming more prevalent, they're not necessarily getting the support from their community um that they should be, and it's you know, I think it's you know preventing them perhaps from fully healing. So I think it's important uh the kind of final message is is really to embrace you lose the kid, doesn't make that make a difference how, why, or what? We need to embrace the parents and be there for them, and that's the only way that we we are gonna kind of get a full healing or as much healing as we can.

SPEAKER_01 41:41

And the parents themselves should try to find for themselves a supportive community.

SPEAKER_03 41:47

Yeah, it's important. Some people are um more introverted and uh and as a rule, they're not necessarily a good person to um to to speak and be invited want to be invited out. I I definitely feel like the people I've seen, the people who are more surrounded by community, like an embracing community, to um do better. Obviously, working on a MUNA is uh is important if we didn't work on it when things were good, it's not too late. And um and obviously having a you know, thinking of our kids, having a stable life and thinking about our kids, and it's a multifaceted approach. It's just everything from working on your mental health to being physical, exercise is an amazing thing for mental health, being in a job where you feel productive and happy. It's just it's very multifaceted. It's not not just about going to see a therapist and and and hopefully that will person will help you get through it. It's just really multifaceted, and the more things that are uh you work on in your life, then um I think the um the better we'll we'll we'll okay.

SPEAKER_01 42:51

Well, thank you so so much for coming on. I really appreciate your time. Thank you. Welcome to everyone.

Practical Tools For Resilience

SPEAKER_03 42:57

Yeah, thank you. If anyone you know um wants to reach out, they're welcome to. Uh I'll be probably uh asking your your viewers for uh for their advice as well. So uh happy to stay in touch and in contact. I really appreciate it. Thanks for reaching out and uh um I hope uh everything goes well.

SPEAKER_00 43:20

You've just listened to an episode of the Grief Journey Podcast with Miriam Ribiat, brought to you by Mayrim. For more episodes, please visit the Mayrim website at www.mayrim.org. Help us reach others who may benefit from this podcast. If you know someone who might find it meaningful, please consider sharing it with them. If you have questions or comments for the speaker, or if you would like to suggest a guest for a future episode, we would love to hear from you. Email us at podcast at mahrim.org. We look forward to having you join us for the next episode.