She Speaks: Women's Wisdom For Every Woman

S1-Ep 6. Joy as Medicine: Why It’s Time to Laugh More with Jenna Valentine

• Charlotte Wilson

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Do you believe that healing has to be hard? What if true healing is actually about embracing joy? In this episode of She Speaks, I sit down with the incredible Jenna Valentine—Doctor of Acupuncture and Chinese Medicine, wellness expert, and joy enthusiast—to explore how changing our relationship with joy can help us heal pain, reclaim our power, and make life more fulfilling.

Jenna shares profound insights on breaking free from trauma loops, finding laughter in the midst of struggle, and using joy as a pathway to self-trust and authenticity. If you've ever felt stuck in burnout, weighed down by life’s challenges, or unsure how to reconnect with your true self, this conversation will be a game-changer, sis. 

Episode Highlights:

📌 [00:03:00] – The major life transitions that shaped Jenna’s outlook on healing and joy.
📌 [00:08:45] – How our relationships (past and present) teach us about ourselves.
📌 [00:15:00] – The power of self-trust: Why knowing yourself is the key to lasting happiness.
📌 [00:20:30] – Joy as a healing tool: How to stop waiting for happiness and start cultivating it now.
📌 [00:29:10] – Breaking free from the trauma cycle: Are we addicted to our pain stories?
📌 [00:35:45] – Reframing hardship: How to balance healing work with playfulness.
📌 [00:42:00] – Jenna’s wisdom on embracing lightness, joy, and humor—without bypassing real emotions.
📌 [00:50:00] – Jenna’s message for every woman: Give yourself permission to live fully, laugh loudly, and heal with joy.

Resources: 

Disclaimer:

The information shared on this podcast is for educational and informational purposes only. While we share advice and personal experiences, it’s not intended to replace professional medical, legal, or financial guidance. Please consult qualified professionals for advice tailored to your specific needs. The views shared here are those of our guests and host, and do not represent all women’s experiences. We encourage you to explore what resonates with you personally.

Char Wilson:

Welcome to She Speaks, women's wisdom for every woman. A space for us to feel seen, celebrated, connected, and inspired. Here, we come together to tell our stories, share our lessons, celebrate our unique strengths, and reconnect with the sacred feminine wisdom that exists in all of us and guides us towards a lit, a lit up life of peace, empowerment, purpose, and prosperity. I'm Char Wilson, your host and owner of Wilson Phoenix Wellness. I'm a mind body wellness content creator and coach helping high performing professional women transform from burned out to lit up through a holistic wellness approach. Each week, you're invited to join me and my special guests in heartfelt conversations on holistic health and well being, resilience, relationships, and living authentically. Whether you're navigating life's big changes, seeking deeper purpose, or simply craving connection and inspiration, you'll walk away with bite sized brilliance as we uncover empowering insights. And practical steps to help you create a life of balance, joy, and fulfillment. And today I'm joined by my guest and dear friend of, I think like seven or eight years. Jenna Valentine. Uh, Jenna is one of the coolest women I know. I'll start with that. And she is a doctor of acupuncture and Chinese medicine. She is the owner of Valentine Care Clinic, which is based in Austin, Texas. She is a mom to the coolest teenager on the planet, and I can totally attest to that. And, just like me, Jenna is a super nerd for all things wellness. Jenna, welcome to the show. It's such an honor and delight to have you here. I'm

Jenna Valentine:

happy to be here. I also feel like listening to you and distracted by how gorgeous your eyes look with this shirt. That's like, same to you. And I was listening to what you could look at the video too, because you look so good. Thanks. I'm so happy to be here. Thank you for doing this.

Char Wilson:

Yes. Oh my gosh. Thank you for being willing to come on and share all of your brilliance and joy and just beautiful energy. So Jenna brings a wealth of wisdom and insight on a wide variety of topics, which is what makes her so interesting and mysterious at the same time. Um, you bring wisdom on obviously health and wellness, um, career, you are a female entrepreneur. How long have you been in business? I have been, Valentine Cares has been around since 2018, so

Jenna Valentine:

that's the max. Yeah,

Char Wilson:

yeah. Um, finances, relationships, I do think you have done or are doing some relationship coaching on the side, and I think you've learned quite a bit from your own relationships, so we're going to touch on that here in a moment, and then just navigating major life transitions. Um, what would you say are probably the top three major life transitions that have shaped who you are?

Jenna Valentine:

Um, for sure being born is one of them. Yes. Um, I would say, yeah, being born, having my daughter, uh, going through a divorce, and yeah, that's three. Those are probably

Char Wilson:

the three big ones. Heck yeah. Yeah. So Jenna's going to bring all kinds of wisdom and that's what's so fun about this podcast is it's conversational. We're not sure where it's going to go, but we know it's going to go to the right place. So get ready to learn from Jenna, be inspired by her. Feel your feels and take away actionable steps to help you thrive in life. So to open up Jenna, tell us a little bit about, let's, let's like dive into the relationship piece. Cause I think you have so much wisdom to share here. I know that when I was going through one of those big moments in life, which was my divorce, you, um, you stick out in my mind as someone who, like you just showed up for me in a way that a lot of people didn't. And I very distinctly remember. It was on the, it was like in between separating from my ex husband and the divorce being final. And I did not know who I could trust, particularly women, because there was, there was definitely like some betrayal trauma that went on at the end of my divorce, at the end of my relationship. And I remember walking into a coffee shop, and I hadn't seen you in a long time. And, um, you were like, sure. And I walked over, and at that point in time, I'm just shell shocked. Again, I don't know who to trust. I was really like. In a protective energy state and just trying to hold everything together, trying to hold my emotions in. Cause I could, I felt like I was going to break like every second, I was just going to crumble and break. And I remember you, you grabbed my hand and you pulled me in and you said, I'm getting emotional now, just thinking about that moment. You said, I just want you to know that I'm on team char. Whoa. And like how much I needed to hear that, um, not just from another human, but like specifically from another woman to know that you had my back. So you will forever be special in my life. You're not getting rid of me. Sorry.

Jenna Valentine:

I'm still on Team Charm.

Char Wilson:

Thank you. I'm always on Team Charm. So tell me, let's, let's dive a little bit deeper into those, those top relationships that have shaped and formed you in life.

Jenna Valentine:

Yeah, I have a lot, and I, I guess they're kind of categorized by people I want to be like, people I don't want to be like, and then I guess a sprinkling of people I've just like taken learnings from. So the main, my daughter has been an incredible teacher because kids just are incredible teachers from when she was young, her ability to play, her ability to be present, her ability to speak what she wants. Um, she's still an amazing teacher to me because she's so good at things like using her nice products, you know? And I'm like, sometimes like wanting to hoard them away for later. I'm like, why am I doing this? She's just such a teacher to me. She's really helped me learn my own triggers. Cause when we have a, you know, a parenting thing going on, I'll have to check, like, is it me carrying stuff from my own life and layering onto her, is this her thing, you know? So, um, it's a lot of like very rich information to cull from being a mom. Especially just such a cool. Uh, she's almost 16. She's been huge, huge, huge. And then my granny, who's not my biological grandmother, but is actually my ex husband's. That grandma, she passed away several years ago, but she, I met her at 15, which is when I met my ex and we just fell in love at first sight. And she was one of those like cute British accent, really easygoing, really into meditation. Like she really opened my eyes to like, Oh, how you can move through the world in that way. Like so present, so calm, so. Non, um, non pretentious, like really, really, really interesting woman. And then of course, my mother and father were big teachers to me, but in different ways, um, I grew up estranged from my father and there was a lot of, of heat around it and after he died, now I've been able to connect with him more, his spirit more, so that's been a whole interesting evolution, but he was a teacher and how even the absence of someone can have a huge impact on, on my life because I lived a lot of my life. Um, in opposition to who I thought he was or would want me to be or, um, so that was really interesting. You know, like when you're living in the opposite of what you think someone's going to be, you're still centering them at the core of what you're doing. And then my mother has been a teacher. She's still alive and she, um, you know, with a single mom raising two kids and she did a really incredible job in a lot of ways. So she's been a great teacher in no, it was the good. Notice the things you'd like to change and find appreciation anyway. Um, so she, yeah, so those are probably the key teachers. And then, uh, the, the men that I've dated, I would say my ex husband was a teacher too, because we were together for 17 years. It's hard not to learn in those, that amount of time. Um, I learned a lot about who I wanted to be and did not want to be in a relationship. I learned a lot about who I wanted to call in for my partner, partners in the future. Uh, so that was really invaluable. Lessons for me too. And then like, there's just so many, my friendships are so rich. I have so many amazing people in my life. And I just feel like the people I hold close to me are all people that I'm learning from all the time. Um, but I think I hit the key, the key folks.

Char Wilson:

Yeah. And if you could go back to the woman that you were when you had your daughter, the woman that you were when you were going through the divorce, those key moments, the woman that you were. When your dad passed and you had to, you had to deal with that. You had to, and same, like so much of our life story is similar, but what you said about your dad, there was heat around him and you, you really did more learning and healing afterwards with his spirit after this life. Very, very similar there. But if you could go back to those defining moments, you're giving birth, you're becoming a mom for the first time, you're going through a divorce. That was very painful, there was a big betrayal wound there as well, and then you're having to make peace with a father that you didn't have the relationship with in this life. If you could go back to those moments of who you were in that time, what, what advice would you give her now? What would you say?

Jenna Valentine:

The first thing that comes to my mind is, Shit, Mitch, you're fine. You're fine. Like, just stop worrying about all of it. Like, um, no, it's not. So, I mean, I was, I feel like I was a baby when I gave birth. I was 26, which just feels so young. I mean, even though it's not, like, such a reasonable age to give birth. But, uh, with her, it would probably be, um, just play more. Like, just take it all less seriously. Uh, which I think I did a pretty good job of, but I would want to do it even more. In the divorce me, which was what, six years after her birth, it would have been, um, man, I handled that so well. I don't even know if I have advice for myself. Um, maybe it would have been something like, see the gift even earlier or something. Like I think I, I was. I guess my wish at that time would have been that I would have had more friends that were single. Like I think when you're a couple and you have a baby sometimes your friends are oriented around other couples and babies and I wish I'd been like aware to have a diverse friend group at that time because I think that would have set me up for success. Not like have a bunch of like plan B guys waiting in the wings that was never my style nor will it be but really just have friendships that are different not just coupled friends who also have kids. But I was also new to Texas, so like, you know, meeting, I was meeting friends at my daughter's school kind of thing. So, um, but yeah, I think that would have been pretty good advice. And I also would have like paid more attention to the strategy of divorce. I didn't, I didn't really do a good job there. Uh, I would have, I'm sure that's something they teach us. No, it's not just that. Yeah. It's like, yeah, he looked, moving into like a, a people pleasing deferential category as a, you know, wife who really was trusting. I wish I'd been like, that's not your person anymore, honey. You're not on, you're not trying to do it in a way that makes you feel like you're a kind of person, like a kind, generous person. I wish I'd had more strategy. Um, I think that would have set me up a little bit better in some ways. Who knows? Um, and then with my dad, I would not say I made peace with the man he was when he was alive. I don't even have that as a goal. Um, I think it's, it's interesting when there's a complication with a parent, cause like you're half of them. And so maybe my, my learning with him was it's okay that you're half him. Like, that's all right. Like you're, you're fine. Like you don't have to feel, um, any kind of negative way about the traits you recognize in yourself that are him. Like those can be admired anyway. But I think it's tricky because depending on the other, my mom, those were triggering parts for her. So, you know, you kind of internalize certain things. But yeah, I definitely don't have a goal to make peace with his human form. Um, like fuck that dude, you know, but um, I, I do think that I will That myself when he died would have been like, Hey, you did a really good job. Well done being open to even having a relationship with his spiritual form. I think I, like I, yeah, it would feel pretty good about myself at that point. That was only like maybe four years ago or something.

Char Wilson:

Yeah. It's, it's coming up on four years. Um, actually tomorrow is four years anniversary of my mother's death. And then December of this year will be four years for my dad. Just what you said earlier, something to the effect of. For so long, you had been living in opposition, in a defiance, in a rebellious state. I see these aspects of dad in me, and I'm, or I see the, I see the way that he lived his life, and I'm going to go in the opposite direction. I see the kind of man that he is, I'm going to go in the opposite direction. Of who I find myself with in relationship with a man, man, that resonated. So, can you dive a little bit more into that? How did you shift from, because that impacts so much, I mean, that really goes to attachment theory and, you know, family dynamics, that so much affects who we choose in friendships and particularly romantic partnerships growing up. So, can you. Just digest, like, digest that for us a little bit. How did you make that shift?

Jenna Valentine:

Uh, I think I'm really committed to my own, like, sovereignty and really being myself. And so, it's irritating. I don't like being controlled or told what to do. And so, including by my own self. So, when I realized, like, oh my gosh, I'm just a puppet in an alternate way, that's so irritating to my system, that I'm like, I'm just not going to do that anymore. It just took recognizing that I was doing it to really help shift it. Um, I'm probably not all the way done with it. Like, I probably still have weird tactics that I pull out of my subconscious and have no awareness of. I'm sure. Uh, that'll be fun to find out what they are. But I think that there's, there's a certain amount of like, when I make a choice, do I feel it's inherently my choice that I'm doing as much as possible? Or do I feel like I'm doing it to please somebody or to displease somebody? And if it's either of those things, I want to look at it a little bit more closely. So I think it's just around. I mean, the strategies would be get to know yourself even better, learn to trust your intuition, understand the sensations in your body when you're doing something that's within your authentic profile or not. And then move towards those things instead of feeling like, I'm not my dad, I'm going to do it this way. You know, like we don't need to do that. You can if you want. It can be really fun in a lot of ways, but I think that there's, it's, it's even cooler to like stand on your own power and make decisions from that place.

Char Wilson:

And you truly are such a model for a woman who authentically stands in her power. Like, it's not a smoke and mirrors, it's not Ego, that is not my experience of you. No. Um, and by doing that, you invite other women to do the same. I heard you say two things. Like one, get to know yourself better as a strategy and two, learn to trust your intuition.

Jenna Valentine:

Yeah.

Char Wilson:

So for the sisters listening to this call that think, well, that's nice. How the hell do I do that? Yeah. Can you break that down? Like through these, these impactful relationships, the beginnings and the endings of these relationships, how did you get to know yourself better? And how did you learn to trust your intuition?

Jenna Valentine:

Um, I would say I got in touch with my audacity to even decide I was going to do it. I just love when women have audacity. I just think we need more. Um, yeah, I, I am really clear on how my body feels. I'll notice like, Oh, that makes my heart feel like I want to go towards it. Or that makes my, you know, intestines feel kind of gross. I'm going to move away from it, whatever. Like I'm pretty clear on my body sensation. So that's how I, um, I think that's how I trust my intuition the most. How I got to know myself. I'm still learning who I am, which is so fun, but it's a lot of experiments. It's like, I'm just going to try a bunch of stuff and see what feels good and what doesn't feel good. And, and yeah, I think that's the only way, like. So just keep experimenting, but I don't ever want to feel I've like learned myself. Cause then I, I'll feel like I'm in a place of complacency with who I am and I don't want that. So I wouldn't, I would say like, I'm constantly learning who I am. And like, sometimes I do things I'm like, Oh, I thought we did that. Like that's so interesting. So what do you, what are you doing now? Um, and then I just decide like how I want to feel in my own body and in my, in my own life. And I just keep doing that again and again and again. And that's how I think any of us. It's not that much different from how we get to know someone on a date or how we get to know a new friend, like it's just a lot of repeat interactions where we're like collecting data and seeing people in different circumstances and making judgments about that. And then that's kind of just what we do with ourselves. So I like putting myself in a lot of different circumstances to like, like even before we were doing our, our sound check and you were like going through some questions, I'm like, I can't wait to hear how I answer them. Like, that's so exciting to me, you know, and that's good. I'll learn more about myself. Right. My question is that we talk about today. So I, I love that. Um, so I don't feel any sense of urgency. Like I'd be like really know myself right now. And then I also, if my tuition's off, like I really, really have, have worked on my relationship of trust in the universe. And so it's like, well, yeah, if my intuition's off, what does that really mean? Like someone lies to me or I get disappointed by a thing I thought would happen that doesn't like, that's okay. Like, I trust that what's meant for me will find me. And what's not meant for me will leave. And so there's, there's kind of a lot of cushion around mistakes. Yeah.

Char Wilson:

Yeah, man. I just love that this is the direction the conversation has gone. Cause at first it was, let's focus on the external relationships that impacted you and have, have been like little, um, you know, codes within the identity that is now this beautiful, complex, empowered person that I see in front of me, Jenna Vound. But now we get to shift from, you know, the external relationships, how they transform and shape our internal relationship with ourself, learning to trust ourselves, learning to listen to ourselves. I love so much that you bring this energy of playfulness and exploration to the table because it really does make the process, the journey of life so much more enjoyable. Yeah. And, and I need that. I need more of that in my life because I, I think when things get hard. My default is to get serious and like, let's make a plan and I get rigid and I contract and I am learning to like, no, just take a breath, relax, look around, find the find the glimmers of joy in the moment and trust, trust yourself. And trust, trust the universe. Yeah. And I, natural for you, or is this something that you have developed over time? I

Jenna Valentine:

am sure a little bit of both. I definitely have worked on it and it definitely feels, I think also like being in my forties, there's just a certain amount of like, natural, less fucks given about certain things. Like, you know, like, wait and tell me, like, come on. Um, and I, I'm hoping that that only increases, like, I can't wait to be like 96 and just like wearing ridiculous outfits and saying inappropriate things all the time. I'm so excited. Um, I should just start now more so, but. Um, I, every now and then I have to check my hair because it gets so big we'll like block out the screen. Same. Um, I think it has become so natural that I have to connect with the parts of me that weren't always that way. Um, I think it's absolutely something that can be learned. Not even learned, I think babies are, are already that way. But we have to just unlearn a bunch of stuff that got layered on us that's so ridiculous and absurd. I think that we are living in a culture that is very, very, very in love with our trauma stories and that while that is helpful in some ways, and I'm not a fan of bypassing and all that, but it's also like, when is enough enough on clinging to these very rigid trauma stories that we carry around like badges of honor, um, when to me, the biggest, like, we want to talk about badges of honor, It's like, how, when's the last time you had a strong belly laugh until there were tears pouring out of your eyes and your face hurt? Mine was this morning. You know, like, several times. In this call, several times. Like, again, already, and it's not like when I was like already, like even before this, several, you know, so it's like, um, how much can you play, how much joy can you find, how much laughter do you have in your life, how much do you, are you like inspired and feeling in awe of things that like, I guess maybe we layer on the, oh, that's childish or that's silly or that's, I don't know, like we have all these labels that we put on things and I'm like, you can call it whatever you want. Like, I'm going to be absolutely delighted by these stickers. That I have on my mind, like I'm delighted. I love this. So yeah, I think that there's, there's a certain amount of like, um, active detachment from this inertia that wants to continuously remember the hard thing is if it's like, that's what gives us strength or fuel. And I just don't like, okay. You guys have not seen monsters, Inc. The first one, I don't know how many there are. You have to, have you seen it? Like the animated movie, the animated movie. It's so good. Of course. Like, Either they're powering it off screams, spoiler alert, stop listening if you have not seen Monsters Inc. If you want a surprise. So I'm just gonna share it for those of you who don't, so like, I don't know, four seconds to stop listening. Okay. So Monsters Inc. They power the city off screams of children, so the monsters have to go and like scare the children and then they get the screams and that's their energy generator for their little monsters. One of them, one monster goes rogue and like develops a relationship, not creepy, with this kid for a variety of reasons. find out that like actually laughter is way more potent for an energy source for the city. But you know, all the like bureaucrat monster bureaucrats are like, no, no, no, no, no. And anyway, like through a series of events, they realize like laughter is the way. And I think a lot about that and like, I don't know, Pixar, whatever that is, like what a genius thing here. Like we can scream and we can cry and that power in some ways, but if we laugh, I just think that's more powerful. And it's way more fun to live that way. So even if I'm wrong, like, I don't know, don't tell me I'm wrong. Cause I love it. And I feel so good. Um, so it doesn't mean I don't have tears and screams and hard moments and hard times, but I'm definitely not going to over attach them and carry them around like badges of honor for the rest of my life. Um, I'm going to move toward what I think when people talk about healing, they're wanting to get to, which is happiness, play, bliss, awe. But it's the same construct that we fall into, which is like, no, no, no, that's not a destination. It's what you do along the way. So like, like if I was, I was having this, um, this workshop and there was some hard stuff going on. And I was like, I'm having a great time, but it was hard, you know, and I think people thought it meant I wasn't having a hard time also, but I mean, no, just having a great time, even though it's also hard, like a hard workout or a really intense conversation with a friend or partner that you know is going to get you closer, like those kind of things. Um, I think are really important to have and like stay connected with that part of ourselves. I don't remember how bad here I got like meandering and on a soapbox and like monstrous ink got me so fired up. No,

Char Wilson:

I, I, what a beautiful picture and I don't remember that because it's been a while so I'm going to have to go back and watch it. But yeah, of course joy is more powerful than fear.

Jenna Valentine:

Joy, and I know it's like, okay, joy is not always possible. There are really legit, hard things going on. So I'm not trying to be like, why don't you just smile and laugh and be happy? Like, of course there's a time for righteous action. A hundred percent. We need to protect people. Marginalized populations need to be advocated for. There's a lot of heavy stuff going on. I mean, I live in Texas, you know, there's heavy stuff happening all around. And I think despair is a tactic to keep people. From action. I think joyful people are doing stuff in the world. Like you look at like the Dalai Lama, you look, maybe, you know, there's some complications, but anyway, you look at a lot of these virtual leaders. They're not just la they're not like lounging around all day. They're taking action, political action, and they're also finding joy and happiness. So, um, yeah, I think it's, I think it's really important. It doesn't mean your whole life is like a cartoon, but it does mean that you're able to access both.

Char Wilson:

Yeah. And I think that's so important because. That does seem to be where we get confused with the messaging and we do a lot of emotional bypassing or spiritual bypassing where it's like just, you know, forgive the past, forget about it, stay positive, stay happy, and that can have its own negative consequences, so it is very much a, a both and. Yeah, look, don't put the old both pain and joy at the same time. Don't put glitter on shit. Cool the shit out and then put glitter on everything and then put glitter on everything else around it. I love that. You said earlier, um, you know, happiness, joy, health. It's not a destination. Happiness and joy is what you, is what you do. It's what you curate along the way and it'll

make

Jenna Valentine:

healing a lot faster, easier, better, more fun. Yeah. Like it's. I don't know. It's really just the way and I think sometimes we can get into our victim stories can feel very exciting. It's like, like, Oh God, if I want to dip into self righteousness, which is my drug of choice, I'm so like on it, you know, so powerful feeling. And, um, I can think about how badly I was betrayed or like, You know, how dirty I was done, or, you know, what, how my father was, that childhood I had, like, I can dip into that at any point if I want a shot of self righteousness and like, who are me and look how far I've come, like, I can access that, no problem, but like, I don't know, that just doesn't feel that interesting. It doesn't feel like it's a generating source for me to move into, like, my future self and who I want to be. And I remember my mom who, um, I wouldn't necessarily call her one of like the strongest supports in my life. She's wonderful in so many ways, but she actually said one of the most powerful lines to me when I was going through my divorce, which is, and, and meanwhile, at the time of the divorce, I had been in a relationship. Over half of my life's time, because we got together at 15, divorced when I was like early 30s, right? So 17 years is like a hefty chunk of my life's time at that point. And she said to me, there will be a point where he will be a footnote in your book of life. And I was like, Oh shit. You're so right. And I could hardly imagine at that point, cause he was, you know, half, over half the chapters included this person and we share a kid, you know, so there's some of that, but it was like, I felt like that was on me. That was like my battle cry to be like, let's go consume experiences, have experiences to fill my book up even more to dilute the hardship with and hardship both with awesome stuff. Because then my book is going to be so much more fun and it's going to dilute some of this other hardship. Um, so yeah, that's kind of the path I've taken. And again, like I'm not, I'm really not afraid of trauma work and Greece and all of that. It's the richness of that is so important. I don't want to feel minimizing of that experience, but. I hear people often just loop on the same victim hardship story, and I'm like, is there any room in that neural network that snaps on so fast and has the same script and choreography? Is there any room for us to move that out a little bit and add some ventilation into that so that the life can feel more rich and not so triggered by this? Uh, very scripted experience.

Char Wilson:

Yeah. What has worked well for you when you found yourself getting stuck in that, that neural pathway loop in the, in the trauma story, the, the dopamine hit of victimhood, which whoo, I have been there as you, you know, what, what would you say you use to create that little space of ventilation? I love that visual. This happened accidentally

Jenna Valentine:

to me like a week ago, like half ago, I was crying. So I was having a, there's some life shifts that were like, Oh, yikes. And I was like, in my little meditation area, it's so cute. And I was crying and I was like, feeling like, okay, yeah, this is a good release, like access to sadness, frustration, irritation, all this stuff. And then I was like, Oh my God, those tears feel so full, but you know, the tears that are really like circley and they feel so, they feel so good. Oh my God, it feels so good going down my face. And I was like, Oh, I want to see these tears. So I pop that out of my meditation and I'm like, cause normally I'll collect tears. Like I like these little jars. It's like, Oh my God, I love that. And then I like pop up and I'm like, I gotta see these two little tears. And then I got happy and I lost my tears. So I was like, Oh, you know, cause I just felt so cute on my face. So I think because I'm, so I got my cry in, but it's like that didn't need to be now my whole day is ruined. And everyone I talk to, I'm going to be like, you're like, you know, like, It just, I got it out, I released it, and then I was cracking up at myself because I'm like, I just was trying to see my tears and like maybe collect them, have a whole little tear ceremony, you know, but no, I had to go get fucking joyful, lose my tears. It's like, I just, you just shifted a little bit. I wasn't even trying to move out of that. It was just, you know, like, you can catch yourself. So I'll be like. Do you, do you want to think about that right now? Like, I don't know. I, you don't have to, you know that, right? Like, so I think there's just more, if you just, if you've tried, it's not serving, if it's serving you, like continue on with your, you know, storyline and script, if that's how you want to live life, like go for it. But if you don't, then just start noticing it more. And then like, probably like laughing at yourself a little bit more. Yeah. I love this

Char Wilson:

because I worked with several women last year who they literally voiced. I'm so afraid to feel, like I'm, I'm afraid to go into that pain story or let myself start to cry about it because I'm afraid I'll never be able to, I'll just be a wet noodle on the floor. I'll never be able to pick myself back up. And I get that sentiment. So I love this thought and, and the little like science insert of it, it 90 seconds. For an emotion to make its way through our body. And there's a quote coming up from my manifestation teacher, Emily Fletcher, who said, to the degree that we allow ourselves to experience pain is the degree we will be able to experience pleasure. And on the other side of like this, this full, I've experienced the pain is, it's bliss. Yeah.

Jenna Valentine:

There does seem to be, um, a fair amount of like, so maybe it's the fear of going into the pain. But it's like, is the fear also that you're going to get kind of through the pain and not have it anymore? Like maybe you've been around your pain blankie for so long that you would feel lonely. Your identity will shift fundamentally if you're no longer. Like I remember, oh my God, this just happened. I've been divorced almost 10 years. Separated. Divorced almost, what, nine years. And my daughter's still a minors, you know, but I was at a, an event this Christmas. And with some friends, and I have a lot of interesting stuff in my life. Like, I live a great, interesting life, and this person knew that. And the way they chose to introduce me to someone was, this is the woman who's, um, like, this is Jenna, like, her sister left her for the nanny. And I was like, and I literally go, that's the most interesting fact you could pull out about me? Like, I'm a doctor, I re created my life, I have a kid, I wrote a book, I have a Microsoft self care card deck, I have interesting friends, I'm a pretty good dancer, like, I mean, anything. I get a pimple every time I eat chocolate, like, pull out whatever fun fact you want, but that, you know, so it's interesting because people love and will try to keep you in your pain and trauma stories. Cause it's interesting for them. We get interested in suffering. We get interested in drama. We get interested in, you know, all of it. So we get kind of boxed in unless we're like, Hey, I'm kind of like, you don't really have to continue to define me that way. Um, and I think people think they're never going to get over it. Like he might've thought, like, I still think that's the most interesting thing about me. Like, but that's not even close to my highlight reel. It's just now a footnote. It's now a footnote. Now a footnote in your book of life. Volume 15. Use that in volume 1. 5.

Char Wilson:

Right. Can you go back? Because you said something earlier that I want to make sure that the women listening to this call catch this if they miss it the first time around, because it was so potent what you said, but you just kind of like said it in, in flying. I wonder. Uh, I'm going to try and like recap what you, what I heard you say and make sure I heard it correctly. Right. You said, you wonder if, if women are afraid to go into the pain story because that is going to ask them to, to heal from it and to release the hold it has on their life. And if that pain story is no longer the centrifugal force of their identity, then who are they? Is that what I heard you say? I love the word centrifugal.

Jenna Valentine:

Queen. Um, so I feel like we identify with our pain in many ways and people will bond over it. People love trauma bonding, you know, they love, like gossip bonding. They love like sharing, like they don't feel like it's been a real encounter unless someone's like shared something hard about themselves and you're like, it can be a real encounter and y'all could be laughing the whole time. Like, we have this thing where we like weight more heavily. These. These stories of, of hardship or something. And, um, so that we like kind of overweight them in our lives of, as part of our identity. So I think people do have an identity, like I'm the. The martyred, whatever. I'm the one who's, you know, baby had this, or I'm the one who never had a father. I'm the one who has daddy issues as a result of a hard childhood. Or I'm the one who had a, a poverty, poverty stricken life. I'm the one whose husband left me for another woman. I'm the one who, and we have all these, I'm the dead and we rigidly box ourselves into these pain labels. And I'm like, okay, well redefine yourself. It doesn't mean that didn't happen to you, but get some new, if you wanna do rigid labels, get some new ones that freshen things up. I'm the one who. Gets to now experiment with dating. I'm the one who now gets to have a second lover. Cause I slept with the first, you know, I married my husband. Don't look, I'm the one who gets to many more than seconds. You know what I mean? Like I said, we can put new labels on ourselves if we want, or, or we can just hold these labels a lot more like loosely. Um, I do see people, I see people in my work life, in my social life, in my personal life, all of it that are kind of almost like afraid of accessing joy. It's like people will be like, Oh, I don't want to jinx it. You know, or like, like I had someone who, um, they get headaches often and she hadn't had a headache in a few days or six and I was like, you don't think talking about your headaches is going to jinx them to go away. Why would sharing that they had gone away, jinx them to come back? Like we have this weird relationship with like jinxing good things that we don't have with pain things. And I just, I'm not here for it. Like I, I'm like, you should be shouting from the rooftops. Like, it's already like, tell your body where you want it to go. Celebrate it when it gets to where it wants to go. But we just like. I don't know. I'm getting on a soapbox. I'm like getting a little sweaty. I'm so passionate. I

Char Wilson:

think, well, what I'm remembering from that is there's this term and I think I get it, I hope I get it right. It's something that Brene Brown talks about in one of her books and she talks about this concept of foreboding joy and foreboding joy and the, the breakdown. My understanding of that is in the same way that we cling to our, our pain as our identity. We also, um, resist or prevent against joy. Because, because we're in this constant cycle of joy, pain, joy, pain. That is what it is to be a human, to experience all of humaneness. We're not going to be in joy all the time. We're also not going to be in pain all the time, but we avoid. joyful moments because we have this weird belief that on the other side of this joy, the other shoe is going to drop and then, and then it's going to be gone. I'm going to lose it and I'm never going to be able to get it back. And that's just kind of what was coming up for me. I know that belief I got from my mom. It was always like, don't get too happy. Don't get too comfortable. Yeah. Because it's going to hit the fan eventually. And she lived most of her life preparing for the shit to hit the fan instead of looking for the joy. I'll tell you though, the

Jenna Valentine:

worst things that have happened in my life, I didn't even know to worry about and they happen anyway. Like I wasn't like saying no to joy, like there was nothing I could have done, like the bad things are going to happen regardless. So it's like you may as well enjoy the good times a lot because the bad things will happen regardless. But no amount of like worrying about the bad things will prevent or not prevent them. No amount of um, saying no to joy is going to prevent hardship from coming. I'm like, well, I'm going to be a joy whore and I'm going to like, absolutely take all the joy possible because everyone was like squirrels packing, get all the nut for the winter or whatever. You know, I'm going to do that so that I have, well, I'm going to do it because I love doing it and it feels awesome. But also then when the hard times inevitably come, I have this like bank of joyfulness and memories. Like, you know, if something hard happened today, which I don't, I'm not baiting it to you, but if it did, I will know my face still hurts from laughing so hard. earlier. And I'll have that as a recent memory, not something that I pushed away. Like, oh, well, I knew it was going to happen anyway. Like some weird fake sense of control. Like, yeah, I knew it was going to get hard. Like, so what we feel like we're right. Um, yeah. So I think, I just think it's much more interesting, especially in our hard, um, in hard moments, in hard culture, cultural times, world times, et cetera. I think it's really, really important to be connected with these joyful experiences. So that like, I don't, why else, I don't know, why else are people moving through all the hardship if they only think more hardship is going to come? Right. Maybe one day they'll be happy when they've done enough trauma work. It just doesn't make sense. It doesn't confuse my brain.

Char Wilson:

Yeah. And then when you say it out loud, it doesn't make sense either to me. I'm like, well, that sounds, that sounds ludicrous. I love hearing you say, I'm, I'm, I'm investing joy in my bank. Like I'm stocking up on my bank of joy because I know that life will also present hardship. Yeah. If I can, if I can draw from my joy, it's just like this constant balancing. Yeah, a joy and pain and what it is to be a human. Yeah. Can you, can you kind of like wrap up this conversation with what is the legacy, um, or the impact that you hope to leave behind for your daughter, for the women listening to this show, for every woman that you encounter in your life? Like what is the legacy or impact that you want to leave behind, um, to help them. Really live that authentic, joyful life. What's the lesson, what's the action, what can they take away from this call?

Jenna Valentine:

Um,

Char Wilson:

I

Jenna Valentine:

would love if people held their understandings of themselves more lightly so that they gave themselves more room to grow and they gave themselves more permission to experiment and they gave themselves more, um, looseness around what should be shameful or not shameful. So they gave themselves more permission to take risks like. If we say stuff like, I'm type A personality, why, why are you, do you have to be, do you still want to be, does that, is that a helpful label for you? Um, or like, I'm someone who's just serious. Okay, really? Like, I just want that to be, like, reeval, either reevaluated more consistently and regularly or just held more loosely.

Char Wilson:

Yeah.

Jenna Valentine:

I think that would be really helpful for people because, um. We're just so serious and, uh, does it like kids are so great and old people are so great because on both spectrums are just like really joyful for the most part, you know, we all know the curmudgeon or like whatever. But yeah, I just think, um, you can do really amazing. I was just talking to a client about this earlier today. I was like, sometimes when I get really excited about something, it's so cute. I'll like tighten up. Cause I'm like, Oh my God, it's so cute. You know, and I'm like, okay, hold on. That thing can be cute and my body can be relaxed. Well, I feel like we can move to the world doing hard work and not taking it so seriously and having not only not being so serious, but also being more joyful and playful. And awe inspired. It doesn't mean you need a million dollars to go buy a bunch of stuff, but like, look at a, look at a bee gathering pollen on its two little legs. Like, it's silly, and fun, and weird, and great. And so, just noticing more of that stuff, I think would be awesome. So I think, yeah, holding your labels of yourself more lightly.

Char Wilson:

Yeah, more loosely. Yeah. And it might be a helpful practice if you find yourself like me. Where you're a little bit more inclined to be a black and white thinker and I'm, I'm learning how to expand and live in, in the gray and I, for a long time, um, did label myself

Jenna Valentine:

when our words

Char Wilson:

have power. So whatever we label ourselves as, I'm an anxious woman. That's just power and that's how you're living. So what if we could start to flip the script? Like, Loosen the grip on, on the labels, notice, maybe start writing in your journal, notice how you refer to yourself, how you title yourself, how you introduce yourself to other people and just see what, what patterns lie there and start to loosen the grip a little bit. Absolutely.

Jenna Valentine:

And, and I think part of that is, yeah, like really being, um, less self deprecating, kind of laugh at yourself. I laugh at myself all the time, but less self deprecating humor, less apologizing for stuff we don't need to apologize for. Um, You know, really just stepping into this, like life is a big experiment. We're supposed to have a lot of fun and we're supposed to help people where we can, but we don't need to carry the burdens of the world with a sour puss face on our face all the time. Because I don't know, that makes us some kind of better person or something. I don't know what, I don't know what people are doing with that.

Char Wilson:

And I think it's, it's such a more, um, intriguing and inviting approach to doing the healing work. Because I think a lot of people are like, I'm not ready for the healing work because I can't, I can't function if I'm like living in my trauma and pain and sorrow all the time. What if, what if joy could be an entryway to the healing part

Jenna Valentine:

too? It makes it a lot easier to look at parts of yourself that you're not a fan of. If you have a kind way of dealing with yourself, so, and that takes, like, if you can laugh at, you're like, like, your, your deepest shame parts are not going to want to emerge if you have this, like, judgmental, mean, irritated, cringy street, like, they're just, they're going to keep hiding. So there's, there's just like a certain amount of like, how much can we love ourselves? and appreciate ourselves. Like I'll do stuff that I'm like, well, that was a weird little tactic you just pulled there. What was that? You know, all that, but it's like adorable to me. I'm like, what? That was okay. Okay. That's the thing we said. Perfect. Let's go. Um, but there, there's a sense of like, just find it adorable or interesting in yourself. Instead of this, like, I'm going to have to do this really painful, well, and maybe it's going to be painful, but. Buffer it with stuff. I don't know. They're just, we don't need, we don't need to make it so weird and hard. I agree. And that is truly your spiritual masochist. So what are we doing? Why are we doing this? Like, yes, you go, you go. We'll do all the pain plot, you know, but come on. We just, there's

Char Wilson:

just another way. And it is what we're missing out on the human experience if all we are focusing on is our trauma and our pain story. We are missing out on so much of the human experience.

Jenna Valentine:

Yeah.

Char Wilson:

Because we also get to have beauty and awe and wonder and laughter and joy. And it, it, it helps us stay resilient and hopeful. And it is more needed now than ever. And what's all the healing for? Like,

Jenna Valentine:

what's all the healing? That's what I'm curious about with people who just want to stay in their suffering. Like, why are you even doing it then? Right. But what, why are you doing all that there? You know, all the, this and that and what journaling and all this stuff. Like why? What's your, what, how do you want to feel in the world? How do you want to exist? What do you want to look like? It means it's just still this, but 60

Char Wilson:

years from now. So anyway. You want to be, who do you want to be in relationship with yourself in relationship with others?

Jenna Valentine:

Yeah.

Char Wilson:

Well, thank you for sharing your gift of play and joy and levity as a significant part of healing journey and what has shaped you as a human. It's a message that resonates so deeply with me and I think more women need to hear it and be given. Permission to move towards joy with audacity. I love that you use that word audacity because to live a joyful, lighthearted, experiential life takes a lot of courage. We are not taught that we are taught to be quiet and pretty, pleasant and productive. We are not taught to. Stand into our fullness of our joy and to use as a source of power. So thank you for modeling that and coming on and sharing about that today. Where can our sisters who are listening find you and, um, how can they start to support you and get involved with you and benefit from all of your services? So

Jenna Valentine:

I'm probably most active and I say that with, you know, I'm not super techie, but, um, Instagram is valentine care wellness. And then if you're in Austin, I have clinics here. If you're out of Austin, I do some online work. Um, I have a wellness hour that's free every week up North. And so if people are interested in that, they can just message me on Instagram. Um, I mean, my website's valentinecare. com. So if people want, you know, a website, they can do that. So yeah, those are probably the main ways to get ahold of me. You have a book, you have a deck of cards. Thank you. You're so good at business. Um, I have a, I have a good set. I have an aggressive self care card deck.

Char Wilson:

Oh, I

Jenna Valentine:

was

Char Wilson:

going to pull

Jenna Valentine:

a

Char Wilson:

card. Pull a card. I love this aggressive self care card deck. When I was, uh, teaching in yoga studios, I would always have students pull a card deck because they come in and they're like, Oh, serious. You know, I'm like, I'm like, let's lighten up. You can be a little fun, pull an aggressive self care card. And every time, every time it made them laugh. So I love it. That's so sweet.

Jenna Valentine:

Um, okay. So this is the, with the car, I don't know. Okay. Here. My cute tattoo artist, Carlos Ibarra did this. He's so amazing. I'm just going to pull the first one. Oh my God. Perfect. Belly laugh. Fake it until you're actually laughing. No one cares if you feel stupid. You need this. I don't, how do I get it? Okay. Perfect. So there, there are those. Okay. So those, those, I think I have on my website for sale or in the clinic. And then, um, I wrote a book called mantras of bad bitches. Picked like a mantra for each day. If for people who like think they can't meditate or they're like bad at it and it just like calls them out with love and gives them like a real easy platform for getting started and not taking it so seriously. It's over there. I don't want to grab it. It's just feels far super like you can get on Amazon. Um, and, um, Oh, damn. Okay, I'm just going to get it. Let me just hold on.

Char Wilson:

Show us for those that are watching the video. And if you're listening to this, to this on audio, just know there's a YouTube version of this as well. So you can, you can see the theatrics.

Jenna Valentine:

For me and I was not going to grab. Okay. So look, it's so cute. Mantras of bad bitches. So that's on, um, Amazon and then also my website. So, yeah, it's just fun stuff. I love that. So if you guys wanna get that awesome. Um, or just like, reach out and say hi

Char Wilson:

also so Great. Absolutely. I love this. I will of course include all of the links for people to get to know you, to support your work, thank you, to work with you. I'll include all of those in the show notes. And I love you. I just love you. I love bottom of my heart, I'm so glad we're doing this. You're so cool. Yeah. Yeah. This was really, really fun. So, sisters, we're so glad that you joined us today on She Speaks. I hope that you leave feeling the same way that I have left, which is feeling seen, inspired, connected, empowered, lighter, happier, and taking myself a little bit less seriously as we take one step closer each day to living as our true selves. And remember that the wisdom we seek is often found within. So keep shining, keep speaking, keep laughing, keep listening to your inner voice and join us next time as we continue this wisdom journey to whole hearted living. If you enjoyed this episode, please give it a five star review, share it with a beloved sister in your life, and be sure to check the show notes for ways to connect with Jenna, as well as some resources that I'll be offering to support you on your journey to health. Love you sweet friends, and we will see you next week on She Speaks.