Episode 1 - Santa's Naughty List: Christmas Failures and Funny Stories. Top 5 Gifts to Not Buy Your Wife or Significant Other

Christmas Episode: Santa's Naughty List

Discover the funniest and most surprising moments as we dive into "Santa's Naughty List" for a Christmas episode full of laughter and holiday mischief!

Top 5 Gifts to NOT Buy Your Wife or Significant Other

Avoid holiday gift-giving disasters with this guide to the Top 5 Gifts You Should Never Buy for your wife or significant other. Hilarious anecdotes included!

Funny Christmas Stories

Get ready to laugh with a collection of funny Christmas stories that capture the joy, chaos, and humor of the holiday season. Perfect for sharing with family and friends!

ROWD and LOUDY is the ultimate comedy podcast where two best friends share hilarious, never-before-heard stories in every episode! Tune in for laughs, surprises, and spontaneous humor as each episode features fresh, funny tales that one of the hosts has never heard before. Plus, every episode includes a Top 5 list where we rank and discuss random topics, adding even more fun to the mix. Whether you’re into storytelling, comedy, or just want to hear two friends banter about life, ROWD and LOUDY has you covered.

Listen now for your weekly dose of laughter, entertainment, and raw, unfiltered humor.

Comedy, Funny Stories, Humor Podcast, Best Friend Podcast, Hilarious Podcast, Top 5 Podcast, Hilarious Podcast, Storytelling Podcast, Weekly Comedy Show, Laugh out Loud Podcast, Unfiltered Humor.

Transcript

Welcome to the Podcast. We're two blue collar buddies. Keep it real, raw, and ridiculously funny. We're diving into life's ups and downs, and everything in between. Sharing stories, experiences, and laughs from the job site to the backyard. This is the first episode of the Roud We're both extremely excited.

Um, tonight's episode's called Santa's Naughty List. Funny. Uh, Christmas fails. We're both excited. For tonight, uh, we're sharing some of our most hilarious and unforgettable Christmas stories. Stick around, because we are wrapping this up with top five gifts not to buy your wife in a significant ever, unless you want to end up in the doghouse.

I'm Eric. I'm joined with my best friend Brad. Brad, let's talk Christmas. What do you got going on for Christmas this year? Uh, Christmas this year, uh, we got family stuff going on Christmas this year, but, First of all, I want to say Merry Christmas to everybody out there that's listening. It's actually taking their time to listen to Two Nutjobs talk about random shit.

You're welcome. We're doing this for you. Right. So, so, I want to talk about, so the first, like, first thing, the worst Christmas dinner that I've ever had. Okay. Okay. Where was it? So, it was at my ex mother in law's, right? So. Did she? She made the dinner. So, like, my kids, myself. How long ago? This was probably, we'll say fifteen years ago.

Okay. So, we, we show up, she's making the whole dinner, right? Mm hmm. Nothingness. Planned as far as that goes, what we're running into, what she's making. The kids and I show up and she has everything laid out on the table. Everything's ready to go. So we're in all that shit. She brings out a turkey loaf. Okay.

It's like spam, but it's turkey. I swear to God, the whole thing was a size. It was like half the size of a loaf of bread. And that's going to feed like 10 people. It's the worst, worst, absolute. What's a turkey loaf? It sounds like government cheese. It sounds like an add on that they put in your bag of government cheese.

Like, don't worry, we included a turkey loaf. Right. So, so it's like that, but it's, it is so nasty. Like, I can't even begin to slimy? Yes. Like if you had Spam. Yeah, I'm not good. It's not good. So imagine that with turkey in it, right? It's not good. Not good at all. Does everyone hate it? Oh yeah. Don't you guys have McDonald's out there?

Do you know McDonald's? The biggest burger ever. I've been to a Christmas party. Like a company Christmas party. Where we've had to stop and eat in line. like burger king and shit on the way home because it was so nasty like nobody wanted to eat it the shit came out raw and they happened to bring a turkey as well

no no it wasn't that bad but i gotta create a christmas story for you all right all right let's hear it where's it at december no no where where zealand michigan okay it's a very conservative town oh yeah it's a cool town We're at my Uncle Fred's, so I would be nine. Okay. Okay? The whole family's there.

Fred's side. Like, how many people are we talking? We're talking like twenty, twenty five people. You know, probably. Okay. I mean, my family alone is four. Yeah, Fred's got He's counting. four kids. Everybody, he's counting. Like, and then my Aunt Mary has three kids. You know what I mean? Like, yeah. So the whole family's there.

Um. Um. Um. Um. I don't know, we had 25, 30 people. We ate lunch, we'd always eat lunch, hang out, do presents. And then we kind of just kind of do our thing for a little bit. Like, it's just kind of our tradition. So, around like 3 o'clock I asked my dad. I was like, hey man, you want to go throw the baseball? And he's like, yeah.

Not a bad idea, you know? So we go outside, our yard's tiny. So the yard's like probably 20, 30 yards. Like double the size of the basement maybe. Yep. We're throwing it back and forth and we're like, all right, we've mastered this. And let me tell you, dude, like I was good at sports. I was good at like, I was good at basketball, good at football, baseball.

Not so much. You'll understand exactly what I'm talking about here in a sec. All right. So the yard's tiny, you know, probably, I don't know, probably in full length, probably 40, 50 yards. But anyway, we decided to go to the road and like my Uncle Fred's driveway, like here he has It's the driveway, like his garage is full, so the driveway, like whoever got there first parks there, one of us parks the road, right?

Man, Mary was always late. Yeah, that was like, so she was always on the road. So my dad, you know, had the vehicles to his back and he kept walking, but he's like, keep going, keep going, you know? So I whipped one over his head. And it lands in Aunt Mary's back window. It doesn't shatter the window, the ball's just there.

Okay, like picture like an old Dodge van. Like the one with like the, before the push buttons were invented for minivans, you know? Like before you roll like that. Like you had to actually slide them. Okay, so my uncle, my, uh, my cousin Travis was a great guy. Uh, he goes inside and like before, I'm already like, I know, I've, I know I fucked up.

Like, right? Like Balls dangling there, like this glass is just broken, you know. It's not like fully caved in though, like it almost looks like those bumper sticker things they have. Oh yeah, the ones that actually you stick out and it looks like a ball is hanging out. Travis comes inside and he looks at his mom and goes, Mom, you're gonna be pissed.

And I'm behind him, red as hell, just like, cause I was a nice kid. So. Uh, my Uncle Fred's dying. My Uncle Fred's my buddy. I still love, like, dude, we're still tight. So, I mean, Mary gets everyone in the car. So that would be Fred, Curtis, and Bree. And she's like, don't slam the doors! You know? And, you know, her back window is fully intact.

She gets in, slams the fucking door, and the whole back window just comes down, and Uncle Fred can't stop laughing. He's just, whoo hoo hoo hoo hoo. So, I guess I realized that, uh, That, um, I don't know that I'm meant for a life of baseball, especially like this urban baseball dream that I had, you know, it just didn't, it didn't go well, but I really enjoyed the, you know, the starter jacket I got that year, and the baseball hat, and, uh, way to go Christmas.

Oh yeah. Oh my God. You got a story? So I do. So my wife. Now, we're down at my mom and dad's. It's the very first Christmas that she's there with us. And if you know my mom and dad, they're like, you remember the show, All in the Family? Remember that show? So you remember, imagine Edith Bunker? Like, that's my mom, only not so ditzy, right?

Okay. Like, she's actually intelligent. But she's, what's she called? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. She's Was Edith cool? Oh yeah. I loved Edith. But anyway. So, so we get there and my wife brings a, uh, a game. Like we always get together, the whole family. My sisters, my nephews, my mom and dad, all of us, the kids, everybody's there, right?

How many people? Uh, there's probably No, no, no, no. It's just like immediate. So there's 15, 15 of us. 15. And she brings, have you ever heard of nasty things? No. So it's like, like the game, like you, you pull out cards and you have some of them have words on them. Oh, yeah. Yeah. It's like semen. Raunchy. Oh, yeah.

Raunchy stuff. My mom is, she learned more about her family and my brother in law and my nephews than she would have ever thought. Wanted but we're playing this game, right? And she's just getting embarrassed and like red faced But it's like it's so funny because it's my wife's first Christmas with the family, right?

And so she's like, oh my god Can't believe I did this I'm like, yeah, let's do this. So it's like a it's like a pretty words words with It's like Yes, it's the adult version of that. There's actually a Dirty Nasty Face. Really? It's even better. It's even more raunchy. Really? So I think we're going to take that this Christmas.

She deserves to learn about the family. And I think that this is the only way why, you know? Right, right. And get the, you know, get the expansion deck so we can really blow her mind, you know? Dude, the first time that my mom ever heard me say the word fuck was actually at Christmas. So like, dude, I was 12, so Year before Aunt Mary's window.

I'm guessing, you know, I didn't even think about that now, like, I'm guessing we switched places because I blew it. You know what I mean? Like, and she wanted her car in the garage. Oh, yeah. So we were at her house, you know, we're at the couch, and like, everyone's great. And this is when boot cut jeans were just coming out.

So like everyone was talking about it, it was like 99, you know, we're living stupid. And, uh, my brother's like, do you think these are boot cut jeans? And I looked at him without even blinking, I was like, if these are boot cut jeans you can get the fuck off this couch, homo. And my mom heard me clear as day before I opened any present, dude.

And she's like, are you kidding me? Are you kidding me? You just said the F word to your brother. You're 12 years old. You know, like Year before I've cracked a window, like I'm a legend around here. You're like the black sheep of the family. Yeah, but everything turned out okay. Cause now I'm on the Rod and Lottie podcast and that just has, you know, everything that I need to shoot for.

That's really deep, man. That's really deep. Like you went from a whole nother level. I mean, a long time ago too. I dated a girl in high school. No, it was like college But I brought over like a 24 pack of beer and I only had like two of them I came out to the garage and there was like none left, right?

It's like 8 o'clock. Yeah, damn someone's loaded You know, like what the hell's going on? I've always smoked so I went out to the garage and I have a smoke And all of a sudden these ladies are beating the shit out of each other You know there's squad cars from a couple counties, dude. It's like, it's like the night before Christmas.

These girls are fuckin beatin the shit out of each other. And I know that I supplied Like, did they steal the beer? That I supplied the dynamite. Like, I, I figured out who had drank it right then and there. It was Carole and Christy. You know, like, whatever their names were, you know. It was like, I was totally somewhere just fine, you know.

Like, I was having a good time, but like They weren't. They went to jail, too. Oh, no shit. I watched them on Christmas Eve going to jail. I was like, Mom, it's like your mom's a psycho. Steals my beer, beats the shit out of Kathy. I couldn't stop laughing. I was, I was so good up to it. You're watching this whole thing go down.

Just having a smoke. Yeah, like, that sucks to be you. I didn't stop any of it. It's like, no, I gave you free. Why would you stop it? I gave you free Slurpees. All right. You guys decided to do shit over each other. It's like, I mean, you would never stop a girl fight. No. Like let that shit go down because you're really curious to see who's gonna win and how.

Yeah, dude, I, yeah. Crazy shit happened over Christmas, but Christmas is a good time. . I like Christmas. Yeah. Christmas is great. We're 11 days away. Yeah. Yeah. Eleven days away. It's coming, it's coming quick. It'll be 2025. I don't like that. I don't really care. Yeah. I think we should stop this whole Daylight Savings though.

I think we should too. That sucks. It's stupid. It's dumb. It's stupid. Let's, okay, let's, let's, it's an hour forward and an hour back, right? Let's just take it to the half hour and just leave it. Yeah. And if you need us to explain it to the kids then all you have to say is that it helps Sans C. You're welcome.

You know? That's great. Do you, do you want the Lego set or not? laughing what? Oh, shit. What, what, what? Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. What the hell we got going on here? What is this? Damn that pasta got a little there. This is It's time. It's the river, bro. We're crossing the river today. No, you can't do that, dude.

Okay, okay. You can't sing. Okay, no. Nobody wants to hear that shit. No, no. I understand. Okay. It is time. It is time for our favorite segment for things that go wild, weird, and downright hilarious. Okay? It's time for the top five. That's right. Here's how it works. Each of us have come up with a top five list about a totally random situation.

The twist? We have no idea what's on each other's list. Exactly. Whether it's top five foods you'd bring to a dessert island or top five excuses for being late, the goal is simple. Get the biggest laughs and maybe a few what the fuck moments out of each other. The reactions are raw, arguments are real, and the comedy, well, that's up to us.

And also a little bit of chaos. And tonight we are doing the top 5 gifts not to buy your wife for Christmas. Or a significant other. Or a significant other. It can also be a significant other. And, uh, yeah, at the end of this, if you think anything else should be on the list, Oh yeah, absolutely. Maybe just don't keep it gross, but like, you know, kind of funny or like ridiculous would be cool.

Yeah, I mean, I don't want I mean, if it's gross but it's funny, I'm okay with it. Hit subscribe, you know, let us know, give us comments. Keep it, keep it real, keep it, you know, kosher. We don't want to be bad mouthing people. Keep it positive, you know. We need more positivity in the world. Right? And more comedy.

Right. We're not going to be weird on this channel. We're not going to care. We're just going to kind of do our thing. Yeah. And that's just how it goes? Yeah. All right. First. All right. Number one. Brian's number one. Okay, so. Is this in particular order? Yes. I'm going to give it to you in order. Give me the scenario too.

Like, like, where are you? You know, when you're giving this gift. Like, like, is it a girlfriend? Is it, you know? So, I think the first one could be a scenario. Just the two of you. You know, maybe you've known each other for A little bit. A couple of weeks. A couple of weeks. Going good. And, well no, things are not going well.

No, they shouldn't be. So, so the first one. It's a bat, like a regular baseball bat, right? Okay. But it says ugly on it, right? And the card, the card, the card says, just thought you'd want to know what happened to the tree you fell out of.

Okay, that's, that's the first one. An ugly stick. I like how she was beating with that ugly stick too. No, she fell out of the ugly tree. And then was beating with the ugly stick and she knows if she gets out of the way that the bat was in the garage. They made the bat out of the ugly tree. But she fell on up.

He didn't have that much time, Brad. I don't think, you know. Okay, that's number one. Number two, is Like, you could be together for this one, could be, it could be in front of family. Yep, family's there. You know, family's there. Ten. Okay. We're gonna keep it to ten. Hot Coco's on. Hot Coco's on. Yep. Like everybody's nestled around the Christmas tree.

Nestled. But there's a, there's a great big box. Holy shit. That's like up on, up against the wall. It's a DeWu. It's a sex casket. It's a sex casket. Yeah, and the card says, The card says, I'm dying to get inside you.

Bruton? What the hell is going on for you? It's a sex doll casket or a sex casket? It's a sex casket. Like, you can actually have sex in a casket, so. Could be a dick in a box.

Okay, so that's, that's number, that's number two. Let's go outside, let's warm up, bro. Number three. Number three. Number three, here we go. You can get her the clapper, remember? Oh, clap on, clap off. But, but the card says, Sorry you can't turn off the clap I gave you. Oh my god, dude. This clap is for real? I need to wear those blemishes for life.

You're welcome. I got these blemishes for you. It's all for you, baby. It's all for you. The clap will come back with you. Okay. It was a 1997 TV fan. It's now over, but that's not, you know,

number four. Okay. I had trouble with the top two, right? So this is the last two. Yeah. So. So I'm going to give you the one that I settled on for four, okay? It's a visit to the vet to get spayed. Right, you actually give her a gift. This is definitely with family. This is for her. This is definitely, yes. Not the dog.

Not the dog. She doesn't have any dogs. No. No dogs at all. No dogs at all. Okay. This is definitely her own family. And then the card says The card says I hope you'll stop being such a bitch. Oh, dude! What if I had David Spade on my card, dude? There you go! Or like the Ace of Spades falls out. Woo! The Queen of Spades falls out, dude, of the card.

I like David Spade, dude. I like David Spade on the card. Or the David Spade, like you open it up and David Spade is saying, I hope you stop being such a bitch. Yeah, stop being such a bitch. Stop it. I got dips on top on. You know? Okay. Okay. Alright, number five. This is around the whole thing. Like, if you could think of a family get together, That has everybody, like every, like combined, combined families.

Guys you don't see anywhere, but like randomly at heart of those people. Those people. You give her a book, and it's How to Resolve Family Conflict. Okay. But it's written, and authored, and written. By the Menendez Brothers. I saw this awesome documentary, and I really, I just, I think before they went out, they wrote this book, and they went out.

Their pants turned out okay. Wait, wait, wait, no they didn't, no they didn't. Oh, man, the Mendez brothers. That was a good list. It's bad. That's a good list. Those are bad. Let's just reiterate. Those are bad gifts to give. Okay. Just don't do that. Don't do that. Thick side or whatever her name was. She wouldn't have liked any of those.

Maybe, maybe Kathy might. Kathy might like them. Definitely not Jade. She might, Kathy might still be in jail. Yeah, from the beatdown. Yeah, she deserved it. She should've took the extra jello. She should've had the bat. Man, I'm gonna have to have a hard time topping that, but I'm, I'm, I think I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna try.

Alright, alright, here we go. Alright. Number one. A gift card to a Las Vegas brothel with a specific amount, like 169, in front of her whole family. Look, his service has already been paid.

We're getting Dirty Sanchez at 9 o'clock and Buffet at 10 o'clock. I got VIP and also a fast pass. The other one that I was struggling for this one, so I might end up with the top six and that's okay. It was like a, a year supply of plan B. And the card would say, my pull out game is strong, but I ain't want kids.

Merry Christmas. My pull out game is strong, but I ain't want no kids. Alright, number two. That, no, that was number, that was number two. No, no, no, number one. I did a flippy flop. I won't flip your flop again. Number two. This is the third one, but it's number two.

Yeah, we'll count it. Self help books with a clear message. Three of them, and perhaps How to stop being sensitive. A sensitive program for emotional control.

Book number two. Why you are still not enough. A guide to fixing yourself. Oh my god. Book number three. How to make your husband go. A not with his hand guy.

Oh, I don't think that would go well. No, no. You need those books. No. Number three? None of those books. Number three. That's a number. What the fuck? It's still number three. Trust me. Four and five are bangers. And we gotta, we gotta include me in number three. Number three. Okay, I'm gonna set the tone with this one like Brad did.

The whole family's there. Yep. Okay. You got a big box. Like, maybe it was from Circuit City when they were open. I don't know why, but we're gonna use it anyway. Circuit City. Okay? Like, maybe one of those stereos came in it? Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Um, and what it is, is this is number three. Um, so Jenny, right? She's 19, you know, you're just sitting there, you're 19 too.

You want to take ships to the next level, but you just don't know how to tell her. So you're going to tell her that Chris was in front of her family, you know what I mean? So she unwraps it and it's a bondage bouquet. It's got a zipper mask, it's got a gag, it's got whips, ties, and anal beads. It's got leashes, lingerie, 50 shades of grey, and a big ol bottle of lube.

That he bought from Bee Nitty. Oh my god. Back then they didn't have. You know? Oh my god. Can you imagine that? That's so tragic. And then you could give it to her like that give her to one of those like leash things or those those tail those tail No, it's like a plug the furry plush, yeah I think that should be like the expansion pack to your, to your bondage kit.

Yeah, and everybody's excited about it, you know. And they're excited to see you take that next step. You know, everyone's cheering around and stuff, you know. I'm just kidding, we never go like that. Number four. Two DNA tests. One for our son, one for me. No way I'm the dad. If I am, that's okay, but I just don't want to be.

Oh my god. Oh my god. That's bad. In front of our whole family. That's bad. Number five has got to be in front of our whole family, too. And it's actually number five. There's just one idea. Okay? Okay, so, she's 24. She's home from college. Bridget. Yeah, okay. She's sitting there and, you know, Nate walks in, hands her a box.

She's like, what is this? She razzled around. She's like, not much in here. It's two tracking chips, and, uh, he looks at her in front of her whole thing and says, Yeah, I got a two pack of dog tracking chips. I got a two pack at Costco. One is for the dog, one is for you. This way, if you run off, I will find you.

Oh my god. That's not disturbing. Like, is it on a collar, too? Can you imagine that? Can you imagine someone being that, like, controlling, though? That they're like, let's get this straight. Dude, there's people out there like that, though. Yeah, I'm not. It's Christmas. You know what I mean? Like, it's supposed to be Christmas.

It's Christmas. Did you have any other thing to make of all this that we're putting? I thought about like a sexual So dude, let me tell you. Most of mine were gonna be sexual. In some way, shape, or form, right? And I was like, nah, I can't be that guy. Even though I am, really. Right, you know? Yeah. You had to keep it PG 13.

You know what I mean? I thought of like, like a sandpaper dildo. Oh, dude. And like, you're right. Like, I don't want you to use this. No. So, you know. Yeah, I had all sorts of ones scribbled down here. Where did some of yours go? Like, oh, seriously, mine were mostly, like, sexual in some way, shape, or form. Yeah, I thought mine were, too.

I had, like, a,

like a cooking for dummies book. I think it would be hilarious to give, uh Like a made for TV product, like something that's like specific, you know, like acne or wrinkles, uh, like Jordan's, but in my size, you know, like you got to give money for you. Yeah, but like season tickets to go see Michigan play football.

It's like, Babe, aren't you excited about that? You've always wanted this, you know, there's only one ticket. I had a promise ring at the wrong time, you know, like, like, like I was going to grow like after a week. Like a new frying pan, or like a gym membership with a trainer. You know, I thought that would be horrible.

You know, I can kind of ruin the condoms. You know, in the car. So it's like I want to take our relationship to the next level. Been stuck on second base for a while.

Did you have any other ones? Oh man, I think I did, but I don't know which ones. Promise her you'll sell her out really quick. Um, I don't know. Like, I think it would be hilarious to give girls picture frames. Like, and just leave. No! You gotta get your own picture. Like, so you can, like, put your own picture on her desk.

Oh, in front of her family, dude? Yeah. Like, like, like, from, like, the, from, like, the chair up. Balls. Dick. Face. In a bum hole. Yeah. In front of their family. Like, everything's just hanging out. You're just spreading it a little bit. Spreading it a little bit. Spreading it a little bit like on an elbow pad. No, and you gotta do, no, but you gotta do it on the chair that her dad is sitting in at that time.

Oh my god. I didn't give it to her. At Christmas. Yes. Yes. Oh. Oh. Damn. No, I had a bunch of other ones, but they were kind of dirty, so like I just like, I don't know. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I didn't want to go there either. But, I mean, they're bad. I went to a dark place.

Right? Right? Oh, man. Alright, man. I think that's a wrap. Uh, thanks for turning in, everybody. Another wild ride with Robin Lowdy. We hope you laughed, cringed, and maybe even questioned your sanity just a little, like I did. Definitely did. Don't forget to hit that subscribe button so you never miss chaos. And hey, if you've got your own top five ideas, or just want to roast our picks.

Slide in our DMs or leave a comment. We're here every month keeping it rowd and keeping it loudy, keeping it real. Until next time let us know your thoughts by getting in touch with the show at rowdandloudy at gmail. com Have a Merry Christmas everybody. That's R O W D A N D L O U D Y at gmail. com Have a Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas, everybody. And please don't buy any of these gifts for your wife. We're completely kidding. We're normal human beings. Well, normal might be questionable. Yes, but we're here. Have a Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry motherfucking Christmas.