Rowd & Loudy Comedy Podcast
Welcome to Rowd and Loudy, the podcast where two blue-collar best friends from Michigan take you on a wild ride through life’s highs and lows. Whether we’re swapping stories from the jobsite, sharing laughs over backyard beers, or diving deep into the struggles and triumphs of everyday life, we keep it real, raw, and relatable. Expect a mix of humor, heart, and hard truths as we navigate the chaos of work, family, and friendship—all with a Midwest twist. Tune in and join the crew for a weekly dose of unfiltered conversation, a little rowdiness, and a lot of laughs!
Every episode features funny stories, funny moments and a top 5. The top 5 is unique because we do not share our top 5's with each other until we are live on the air.
The catch neither Brad nor Eric knows what the other person is going to say, the shock value is incredible. This is a comedy podcast about all the fun stuff in life.
Every episode features funny stories and a top 5.
Join Eric and Brad on a Rowd and Loudy Journey today!
Rowd & Loudy Comedy Podcast
Episode 8 - Love's Whimsical Ride: Dinner Disasters, Road Trip Chaos, and Crazy Online Profiles
Ever had a dinner date that went hilariously wrong, or found yourself stuck in what we jokingly call "penis purgatory"? Join us for some laugh-out-loud moments as we share our own dating disasters and triumphs, just in time to keep that Valentine's Day spirit alive. From romantic dinners featuring beef tips and halibut in morel mushroom sauce, to laughing about personal taco preferences, our candid conversations will have you nodding along and chuckling at the whims of love and communication.
But that's not all! We recount chaotic adventures, like a tubing trip that turned into an all-night veterinary saga, and nostalgic family trips to Mackinac Island. Encountering unexpected detours on a honeymoon road trip, including a disturbing pit stop in West Virginia, adds a mix of humor and tension. These stories are filled with camaraderie, unexpected twists, and a touch of absurdity that reflects life's unpredictable nature.
To wrap things up, we dive into the outrageous world of online dating profiles. From jaw-droppingly bad bios to the infamous "crazy hot matrix," we explore what makes us swipe left faster than a speeding bullet. A chaotic concert experience adds a layer of empathy and humor, highlighting the joys and challenges of live events. Tune in for a rollercoaster of emotion, laughter, and the kind of stories that remind us why life, with all its quirks, is worth sharing.
ROWD and LOUDY is the ultimate comedy podcast where two best friends share hilarious, never-before-heard stories in every episode! Tune in for laughs, surprises, and spontaneous humor as each episode features fresh, funny tales that one of the hosts has never heard before. Plus, every episode includes a Top 5 list where we rank and discuss random topics, adding even more fun to the mix. Whether you’re into storytelling, comedy, or just want to hear two friends banter about life, ROWD and LOUDY has you covered.
Listen now for your weekly dose of laughter, entertainment, and raw, unfiltered humor.
Comedy, Funny Stories, Humor Podcast, Best Friend Podcast, Hilarious Podcast, Top 5 Podcast, Hilarious Podcast, Storytelling Podcast, Weekly Comedy Show, Laugh out Loud Podcast, Unfiltered Humor.
welcome back to the round and loudy podcast. This is episode 8 and we've got a great show for you. This time we have some funny dating stories that we're going to go over.
Speaker 2:I got some good ones.
Speaker 1:These are all true dating stories that Eric and I have experienced in one way, shape or form. And then we have a top five worst things to see in a dating profile, bio.
Speaker 2:And love is in the air, Brad.
Speaker 1:Love is in the air because we just had Valentine's Day.
Speaker 2:Dude, my wife's awesome man, Obviously, we have a newborn at home. Yeah, but I talked to her and I just straight up asked her dude, this is how my personality to a teen and you can vouch oh yeah I'm just straightforward as fuck, even if it's awkward aren't I?
Speaker 1:yep, even if it's awkward as shit. Yep, you put it all out there on the table I don't give a fuck.
Speaker 2:And I just looked at her. I was like, hey, like valentine's day is coming up, like what do we do? She goes I don't give a shit. Yeah, so are you saying you don't give a shit because you don't give a shit? Or is this a fucking trap, because I'll buy the flowers and the fucking bear?
Speaker 2:we're running out of room with all the other bears I bought you for valentine's day right, as if, like, adults need stuffed animals, but like right, for some reason that's something we do. She gave me a free pass. Dude, I haven't fucking heard a word about it. I I'm not in the doghouse, I just am starting to really think that she is just as cool as I advertise her as.
Speaker 1:She's just that. She's just fucking awesome. Yeah, she is awesome and I can vouch for that.
Speaker 2:All the time.
Speaker 1:My wife and I went to. It's called Bold. It's in Kalamazoo. Isn't that really expensive? It is, but we so her. Obviously, Valentine's Day was the 14th.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And then the 16th was her birthday, so it was kind of a twofer.
Speaker 3:So we went Not in the middle, yeah.
Speaker 1:We went on Saturday and we had a really really good dinner. It was awesome what kind of food we had a really really good dinner. It was awesome what kind of food she got like beef tips, like tenderloin tips or something like that.
Speaker 2:Was it kind of your like signal, if you will, because she was kind of after just the tip, she got more than just the tip. Let me tell you she ordered. She's like I'll take the beef tips. She's like sitting there next to the waiter, like you hear that? You hear that fucking shit. I'm going to be showing her my old face tonight. Oh, oh.
Speaker 3:You know what I'm talking about High-fiving him.
Speaker 1:So she got the tips and I got halibut. It was fucking delicious Fish. Yeah, it's an Alaskan fish. It's really, really good, but it was in a morel mushroom sauce. Really it was really good.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so it seems like what you really like and what Papa really likes are in sync. Oh yeah, because Papa's that dude that loves mushrooms, onions, tomatoes, guac, all that shit. Yeah Me, I'm just such a basic bitch like we went to fucking basic bitch we went to mexican the other night, dude, and it's like I get my tacos literally straight up. Flour tortilla ground beef cheese that's it that's it wow I don't know, I'm just a firm believer that some things shouldn't crunch like that's, like the, like the lettuce, like I don't want to like'm just a firm believer that some things shouldn't crunch.
Speaker 2:That's like the lettuce I don't want to eat it like I'm eating a chip. I don't know.
Speaker 1:Yeah, there are certain times where a crunchy taco sounds really good, oh dude. And then soft tacos. Yeah, there's definitely a time and place for those, but I like to get a little. You probably don't like sour cream, I do. So a little sour cream and then a little liquid like the nacho cheese.
Speaker 2:That's the fucking shit right there, hey girl. Hey girl, you want my soft taco? I got it long and soft for you, girl.
Speaker 1:Just how you like. It May not be long, but it sure is skinny.
Speaker 2:Not enough to play with, but it's enough to look like.
Speaker 1:I'm kind of in between, oh shit.
Speaker 2:What is it called when you're Catholic and you don't go to heaven? Purgatory.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah.
Speaker 2:Penis purgatory is when you got a long softie Like you're not quite there, right, you're in, like the waiting room, look it is all right I'm sorry that he's not. He's not at full attention for you right now. You can change this.
Speaker 1:Only you can change this only you can prevent penis purgatory yeah, a small donation brings me out of penis purgatory.
Speaker 2:I'll light a fucking candle for you if it makes you feel better.
Speaker 1:All I need is some titties Do titties. All right so.
Speaker 2:Previous top three.
Speaker 1:Yes, we have to go over that. You have to From episode seven. Episode seven the top three.
Speaker 2:Episode seven I love you. And now Okay, 11, 11. And now okay, previous top three Number three yeah, hi, this is Sharon. We caught Timmy selling homemade jerk-off tapes in the cafeteria. I didn't watch it, but here are the chapters Jerking in public, Jerking on a plane, pocket pussy, paula Shower jerk and something called jacking and stacking oh man, that was a good that.
Speaker 1:I really enjoyed that top five that was. So yeah, that was awesome.
Speaker 2:I'm so dude, you deserve your own. E true hollywood story. Dude, like I'm brad, I shit my pants in second grade and still made it right still made it still graduated like dude kids today.
Speaker 1:That would have been horrible oh yeah, it would have been bad I'm so glad it was the back I I was kind of debating on whether or not I wanted to tell that story, because I'm sure there's there's going to be classmates that remember that. But I don't give a. You know, it's like it was in second fucking grade. I don't give a shit anymore. I've done far more embarrassing things out in fucking public other than that.
Speaker 2:Well, it looks like we have a new topic, bud. But I would have been a good friend dude, I would have given him a visual, I would have pulled my pants right down there and shit on the floor. You know, just curl one up on the carpet, just a fucking gremlin.
Speaker 1:You think that's bad? You should make a swirly.
Speaker 2:Tom, we're going to need more of those fucking side wood chips. Go put this on the playground. We're done here, alright. Oh man, oh man. Go put this on the playground. We're done here, all right. Oh man, oh man. Um, so this is connie calling. This is number two. This is connie calling during sex. Ed tucker asked uh, miss jacobs, about proper pulling out techniques. That is not what we're trying to cover here in Sex Ad. Please come pick up your child.
Speaker 1:Tucker's pull-out game is strong.
Speaker 2:Dude just like Mel.
Speaker 1:Just like Mel.
Speaker 2:Mel Tucker. Dude, that story is so weird. He was the coach of Michigan State. I know we kind of talked about this on the last one, but he was really high paid. Oh yeah, we're talking like he was probably making $7, $8 million a year. He got in with this girl, I don't know, she was some women's rights activist, she was there to teach the team about sexual harassment. I know which is hilarious. So here's the kicker right. Apparently, she doesn't know how to work a phone because when she reported him.
Speaker 2:She said that she sat froze while he pleasured himself. And I started thinking to myself. I was like this story doesn't make any fucking sense and Chelsea's like why? I was like because Michael Jordan could call me right fucking now. And the second he's like I'm touching my snake, I'm fucking milking it, bitch like, and he's like getting great like dude, I'm hanging up.
Speaker 1:I don't care who it is yeah, I think she just wanted to get him on something she wanted to get him going, but not all the way she got him to like 98% dude if only we had invented our product before.
Speaker 2:dude penis purgatory would have been perfect for Mel he probably would have a job right now.
Speaker 1:He could go on the. What was it? The Price is Right. This is Mel Tucker's penis purgatory.
Speaker 2:Yeah, dude, what's your guess? 2000. What's your guess? 2001. Fuck you bitch, all right purgatory. Yeah, dude, what's your guess 2000? What's your guess 2001? Fuck you, bitch, all right number one. Your child happened to bring his cat to school because he heard me tell his mom I was gonna eat that pussy. We're gonna need you to go ahead and pick him up. Oh, man, and now we're on to telling funny stories.
Speaker 2:And, man, it would be crazy if we could tell like the ones that we're not allowed to tell Right, like the like dirty behind closed doors ones, or like times that like you laughed while you were in the sack, or like you know, yeah. Me and my wife, never mind, can't talk about it. You see what I'm?
Speaker 1:saying Can't, can't talk about it. You see what I'm saying, like I'm an open book, but not right now. Right, yeah, I'm not that open like I have a. I have a special chapter that.
Speaker 2:I got a fucking banger first story. You want me to go first or second you? Go first alright, so Chelsea, who you know well, then you know Papa well, have you met, brandon my yeah, your brother-in-law, yeah at my yeah, your brother-in-law, yeah, uh, at your diaper party he's fucking awesome like that's, that's a dude that you will click with someday.
Speaker 2:Like when you get to know him, me and him say I love you to each other by just like the rudest things, like I'll walk in and I'll be like fuck you. Yeah, he'll be like, eat a fucking dick. And that is our way of saying I love you. Yep, so anywho. So we plan a trip. So, uh, he has a cabin. Uh, he has a cabin up in baldwin, which is about I don't know hour from the bridge to mackinac. Okay, or give or take, baldwin's a big area, I think it's a big county, but um, I don't think bald is a county you shut your fucking.
Speaker 2:The best part about that is, as soon as I said that I had, the same doubt creep in, like that's not a county bud, that is not a county. That's the attic yardie. Anywho, it's a big area, so there you go. So he has a cabin up there, but it's fucking tiny.
Speaker 1:I mean it's like two bedroom bedroom, 48 square feet, you know what I mean, kind of place though like it's it's almost built like a hunting cabin yeah, it's a cabin in the woods, it doesn't have to be big yeah, it's a place to escape and get away the fact that they have power is fucking nuts.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so it was ashley and brandon, me and chelsea, okay, papa, gamma and rachel at the time. Okay, so seven of us give or take, uh, this tiny little fucking cabin. So ashley and brandon got one of the beds gamma and papa got the other bed, rachel got the couch, me and chelsea slipped in the fucking tent outside, which sounds fine, because I was thinking maybe I'd get lucky, but there's no fucking way. Anyway, but you know what I mean. Like we're with family, like let's hang out.
Speaker 1:I got yeah, I got stories about that, but we don't give a shit About pitching a tent or penis purgatory. If there's family around, let's put it that way oh yeah, we'll hear from Brad later on that, so we're up there and it's summertime, so it's hot out, it's whatever.
Speaker 2:So we have a tent right outside the front door with a fan, with an extension cord. We're kind of clamping, kind of not.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Well, his property up north. There's a ton of pine trees and shit everywhere and it rained on our way up. So that night when we got our tent and stuff, we put it right under a pine tree. And the other thing to note here is that this is my first time really gelling with Chelsea's family, so this is like 30 days in.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 2:To like dating.
Speaker 1:Yeah, the relationship 30 days into the relationship.
Speaker 2:We're really getting to know each other. And fuck dude. Oh my God. So the night before we set up a tent and right under a pine tree it sat and dripped water, dude drip.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, all night Drip, drip, drip.
Speaker 2:Drip, drip and I'm all out of options.
Speaker 3:Yep.
Speaker 2:All the beds are tooken, Tooken. Fuck, this story is not going the way I wanted it to. So all the beds I wanted it to, I'm enjoying it. All the beds are sold right. Yep, Couch is gone. So I just kind of sat in silence and kind of just stared because I'm just getting to know Chelsea. I'm just like I don't know. I didn't sleep the whole night. The whole night.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it drove you, fucking nuts I literally did not sleep.
Speaker 2:Yeah, the way my brain works like I need a fan or like that, like fan sound. If something trumps that, I'm gonna hear that.
Speaker 2:That's all I'm gonna hear yeah so like a constant, like a tap, like a yeah, yeah, it's gonna drive me fucking nuts. So I'm on no sleep. I wake up, I'm fucking out of it, take my pills, whatever. I go shower. Obviously I'm not in high demand because I have a dick the girls go first. I know how this works and I'm and I'm just meeting her family, so like I'm waiting, I'm taking my time smoking cigs, like just trying to figure out how to like get through this fucking day. I go in the shower, I come out and everyone's gone and I'm like what the fucking fuck? I'm freaking out a little, I'm paranoid. Like I have that like elevator feeling, like naturally from not sleeping, like you know that feeling when you go up on an elevator, yeah, and like your whole body feels that like weird little tug, like I had that while I was walking, like that's how fucking tired I was.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 2:Everywhere I that's how fucking tired I was. Okay, everywhere I went like yeah, like air heady, I'm panicking, dude, I can't fucking find them. They're on the other side of the house and they moved brandon's truck so that I wouldn't see it and they came out just fucking died oh yeah so we go up to mackinac.
Speaker 2:Uh, we drove so we probably got up at like 9, 10 went, uh, you know ate something, and then, uh, we started driving towards the bridge, so it's like an hour drive or so. Okay, uh, so we're going up to mackinac island, right?
Speaker 2:yep and let me tell you too, dude, this isn't the funny part of the story, but it's pretty fucking funny. We plan on doing, like that, that tour around the island, like with, like the horses or whatever, like where you hop on that, like, uh, have you ever seen that like the guided tour yeah, whatever, yeah and like everyone that we had talked to about, it was like, yeah, it's like 15 bucks, like you guys are gonna have so much fun.
Speaker 2:We get there, dude, it's like 78 a person. Holy shit to hop in this like carriage and like go around like just so stupid. So all the guys are like fuck it, fuck it, let's go to a gift shop and buy some dumb shit and we'll just walk around and you know, the girls are sold on taking this tour. So it causes a little bit of a tiff. Brad and I'm a little bit too high and a little bit too tired to be able to figure this shit out.
Speaker 2:So my wife's mad, ashley's mad. Brandon is in. I don't give a fuck mode. I don't give a fuck either, and neither does papa, and we're just sitting there just like what do we do? Oh my god. So it was such an awkward time, but it was so much fun. It ended up being a great fucking day. So while we were up there, we crammed a lot into one day, like like the amount of shit that we did on the day that.
Speaker 2:I had no sleep. I'm not even kind of done. So we went back to the house after Mackinac Island it's like probably four or five right now we booked a tubing trip after this Same day.
Speaker 1:Holy shit.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so the tubing place was like I don't know, 20 minutes from the house, something like that, and it's four hours long yeah which I'm excited about, because now we're relaxing, which I thought you know I'm gonna bring a bunch of tubes yeah, I'm gonna sit on a tube and smoke pot. Her dad smokes pot. I'm good, you know like this is gonna be fucking great turns out.
Speaker 2:You need a paddle on those for a tube dude, when a river is running really fucking fast and you have five, well, seven tubes strung along and you don't have a paddle, or someone guiding yeah not good it ends badly. It was not relaxing at all, friend, okay, her dad yeah has back problems, so I'm not gonna like ask him to do a bunch of shit like he does a ton of shit, like I'm not saying that he doesn't, he do, he does, yeah, but like me and brandon led the fucking charge on that.
Speaker 2:Dude, we were the prop, we were the motor, we were the fucking captain yep, high on no sleep after going to Mackinac Known this lady and her family for like 30, 40 days at this point. And I was like what the fuck? So like we finally dude, I'm not even done, I'm not even done. Okay, so no sleep. I've been to Mackinac. I've been tubing without a paddle Anybody listening. You string people along on a river that's running, naturally, where you can tube, and then some people pick you up, bring a mother fucking paddle.
Speaker 3:Trust me, so we get home.
Speaker 2:We get home from tubing We've already been to Mackinac, we've been tubing. Okay, it's like 10 o'clock, okay, both dogs run out and let out like kind of a yelp. A yelp, almost like a like if a dog could make a right sadie, so there's, so sadie's there and loki's there. So while we're tubing the dogs are alone okay in the, in the tiny little love shack right yep yep oh my god.
Speaker 2:So we come back and in in sadie's looking like fucking save me, like, oh my god, I'm so glad you guys are home like the dog on the sarah mclaughlin commercial, you know like, just like just battered, beaten fucking yeah loki, his back is breached.
Speaker 2:We're like he's got that hump in his back almost like a camel and his boner stuck out, stuck out. It would not go back in to the point that it was limiting his walking ability and his back picture the hunchback of notre Notre Dame. But as a pit bull, dude, the same curvature of like a VW Beetle is how his back looked. Was he walking like he was humping the whole time, dude? He was looking at us like he was proud, as shit dude, like he had just lost his virginity and she fucking was begging for it. Dude, guess what I did? Did dad, I fucking gave it to her. Dude. And here's the best part, he doesn't even have balls. So nothing came out. Okay, this dick is stuck, buddy, to the point that he cannot move, papa and I, okay. So once again, healthy reminder no sleep night before we've already already drove to Mackinac Island and back with seven of us.
Speaker 1:Yep.
Speaker 2:Four of which are females complaining. Oh yeah, okay. Then went tubing, which we thought was relaxing.
Speaker 3:No, Not fucking relaxing at all.
Speaker 2:We come home, dude Loki's dick is broken Straight up. Broken dude, it will not go back in. It will not even kind of go back in, dude. Oh shit, okay, we try to help. Dude. Like we got an ice cube on that thing, like like papa grew up with the dog a little more so like I let him handle the dick business and I just held the legs you know like, but like dude, fucking ice cubes, water. I mean we even put on an episode of Roseanne for the guy.
Speaker 3:We thought that would help, if nothing else would dude as soon as.
Speaker 2:Mimi came out of the.
Speaker 3:Drew.
Speaker 2:Carey show Mimi. Oh yeah, I think that Mimi and Roseanne are twins. Dude, Dude, they have an ability to just wreck a penis and put it right in the penis purgatory Never getting out.
Speaker 1:It's less than purgatory, Okay when Roseanne can't help.
Speaker 2:A dog's boner, we got a problem.
Speaker 1:Right, yeah.
Speaker 2:So, we had to call the vet. It's like 11 o'clock now. We're trying everything and Chelsea's freaking out Like that's her fucking buddy, so like if I were to disappear, like that's her best friend. That's her homie Like. Like.
Speaker 3:I have a dog like that.
Speaker 2:Dude, we called the vet for Baldwin and the closest place is Traverse City, hour away. So he tells us, so we call, and then he calls us back and he tells us he's like look, if that remains out, like your dog could die from like, from like a blood clot or like different things that could happen, Like like pretty much everything in his body is not going to work. I hope I die that way. Yeah, dude, because his dick was so hard. Here lies a man you know, Dude, yeah.
Speaker 1:When he fell over, he just stood back up.
Speaker 2:Dude, everyone has jokes. Dude. It's like, yeah, brad took those dick pills and didn't call the doctor after four hours. And here we are, you know. So we had to take him in, dude, to get a surgery, so like 11 o'clock dude, after that fucking day. So like Chelsea, brandon and Ashley went with the dog.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And I stayed back. The funny thing is like Sadie clung to me, dude, and I understand why I really do. I sat there with her and kind of held her like she had been fucked for god knows how long by my dog right, yeah at the time, right like so I'm holding her like she had just had the worst day of her life and it's like, sweetie, you have no idea, right? Yeah, I would have gladly taken that over what I had to go through like, oh my god dude, no, I'm just kidding.
Speaker 2:But like you know what I mean. Like it's, and it's just such a funny story. I wake up and take a shower. They all disappear, not relaxing at all.
Speaker 1:Showers are normally my thing.
Speaker 2:Right. We go to fucking Mackinac Island. I'm thinking it's going to be fudge everywhere Like titties and wooden shoes or something Cool, dude, and it's just a bunch of girls that I know that are fighting. We try to go tubing Dude. We went on a tube and dube and that was fucking stressful. How do you tube and dube and have stress, dude? Yeah, that sucks. We were higher than the devil's dick.
Speaker 1:Like dude I was actually on the elevator, higher than Loki's dick.
Speaker 2:Dude. Yeah, I rolled one of those kind of like mini baseball bats where it's like half ounce, into a joint. Yeah, me and Papa sat on that river and just fucking. So I guess in hindsight we owe an apology to Brandon, because he probably really actually steered the ship. Probably I was probably too high. You probably thought you were doing all the work, you weren't doing shit.
Speaker 2:I want a t-shirt and I have a t-shirt idea for the show, but I think it's a good idea. What if, when you got super high or too high, you had a t-shirt that you could wear and it just said out of order or a check engine light dude. Oh yeah, just the check engine light icon.
Speaker 1:And the back says round and loud it could it could light up.
Speaker 2:Oh my god, I'm out of commission, but yeah, so we made it loki's dick's all right, but yeah, that was fucking wild dude. Yeah, no shit. So they got home at three, yep three in the morning slept since the night before, so since two nights before. Yeah, so I think when I added it up it was close to 36 hours, 36 give or take that. I was awake without sleep and it turns out that even if you're shooting blanks, you can still break that fucking thing down, turns out if you don't use it, you do lose it
Speaker 1:so I gotta to piggyback off your Mackinac Island story. So back when my kids were they were, I think my son was probably around 11 or 12. Okay, and we went up to Mackinac, my aunt they were in a group that had a cabin that they all kind of pitched in on. On the island, not on the island. It was up in Mesick.
Speaker 2:Yep, I know.
Speaker 1:So they had a cabin and they were able to. They all paid into it and then they could use it for a really reduced rate. It was like 50 bucks a night or something for everybody to stay there. So we would go up there every year and one year we went to Mackinac. I took my kids up there and had a good time, Got some fudge and all that good stuff.
Speaker 2:Was your extended family there too, or was it just you and your family?
Speaker 1:My mom and dad, my aunt, my uncle, I think some of my cousins were there as well. Damn so big cabin. So, yeah, there was. We actually had a cabin that all of the bunk beds were in. And then we had like a kitchen area so that we could prepare the food, and then all the tables were in there, and then there was like a small living room so we could sit there Like two buildings, like one with bunks, one with that's dope.
Speaker 1:So that's dope. Yeah, it was a good time. We had a really good time. It was a good place to just kind of hang out and have a good time. So we get back from Mackinac and we have dinner. Everybody's kind of sitting in the living room. There's a, a show on I think there was. We were able to put like dvds in and watch a movie or whatever. So we were all kind of we could play cards there too on the tables. But my son, I I went into the the kitchen and I cut off a piece of fudge and uh, I'm out there in the living room and I'm eating a piece of fudge and he's like, oh, can I have a piece? I'm like, yeah, sure, no problem. So he goes out to the kitchen and like half hour hour later I go out to the kitchen to get another piece. It's fucking gone. Okay, we're talking like a quarter or a half pound of fudge, like the little wedge, the wedge, the little, like half pizza thing.
Speaker 1:Yeah. So I'm like I look over, I'm like where's the fudge? He's like I ate it. I'm like what do you mean? You ate it. He's like well, you said I could have a piece. That does not mean he thought the whole fucking thing was a piece. Okay, so he had like a half pound of fudge. You motherfucker.
Speaker 2:Other than the little piece that I cut off. Just wait until I tell your mom about this. Oh she was there.
Speaker 1:Oh my god, I mean to this day we still fucking give him shit about it.
Speaker 2:Can I have a piece? Can I have?
Speaker 1:a piece of fudge and I have to tell him just take a fucking little piece off.
Speaker 2:I love fudge. I'm a chocoholic dude, dude, I love it. But what I don't love about it is I feel like I can eat three of those no fucking problem in an hour. And when you read the label, not a good idea.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, it's not good.
Speaker 2:And it just hits your stomach so much harder, yeah, than peanut butter m&ms do, which I love, yeah, but the weird thing about peter peanut butter m&ms that have been happening to me lately for some reason, when I so, I'll wake up like like it's just stupid, stoned right sometimes and I'll just walk in my kitchen and pop like a bunch of peanut butter M&Ms in my mouth at like three in the morning go back to bed, right, For some reason, when I do that, when I wake up, dude, my burps taste like Cheerios.
Speaker 2:So if there's a health person out there, or maybe a doctor that could tell me why. I'll bet. It means I have a sour stomach, but like worth, it worth it fucking worth it.
Speaker 1:Bring it on, bitch, you know like. So my story tonight. So this is my, my wife and I. It was kind of a date. We were going to a buddy's it was actually his daughter's graduation party, okay, and it's up in just north of Holland a little bit Okay. But we stopped here in town at the McDonald's and we just got a couple something to drink for the road Right and we stopped at the drive-thru order what we wanted to drink and we pull ahead and this car pulls in behind us and you could kind of hear her ordering and she wanted an ice cream cone.
Speaker 3:Mm-hmm.
Speaker 1:Okay, well, that was summertime, that was, you know, ice cream was. The machine was actually working. I guess, I don't know, we cream was. The machine was actually working. I guess I don't know. We never got there. It's never working. So we're pulled ahead in the next spot and she orders her ice cream and all of a sudden we Wham, we just get hit in the ass.
Speaker 3:You got rear-ended.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we got rear-ended in the drive-thru. We're sitting in the fucking drive-thru and we get rear-ended fuck, does that happen? So we and my wife is like instantly pissed, instant pissed. She's like you stay here, I'll handle this.
Speaker 2:I'm like holy shit, yeah, jen, yeah, I love her yeah fuck, I wasn't supposed to say that that's all right. That's all right, so oh no.
Speaker 1:You're good. So, oh my God, we like. So I put it in park right and I get out and I'm walking back and as I'm looking, as I'm walking back there, the car that just hit us is backing out of the fucking drive-thru. It backs all the way out to the side and it hits the fucking side of the building, backs up into the building all the fucking way out and wham right into the wall of the building. It's just like 85 year old lady, just frail as shit she's not texting?
Speaker 1:yeah, frail as shit. And she, just she. And she still has it in reverse. I don't know if she had like a TMI or I don't know what the fuck she had going on, or she just put it in reverse to back out and just hit the gas. I have no idea, but she hit that fucking wall and took out like there was rock and shit on the side.
Speaker 3:What McDonald's?
Speaker 1:One right here in town, no, the one up just north of town, here Anyway.
Speaker 2:Plainwell.
Speaker 1:No, right here in Richland.
Speaker 2:Oh, yep, I know what you're talking about. Now I got you.
Speaker 1:So this frail old lady, like she has no idea what the fuck just happened. So we run over there and like put her car in part four and everything it's still in reverse.
Speaker 1:Yeah, she's still in reverse, I mean. But yeah, and I don't know, Like she didn't know what the fuck was going on or just freaked out because she hit us, or whatever the case may be. But that was the craziest fucking thing. We're sitting in a fucking drive-thru and we get rear-ended. Did you ever solve it? I don't know what they like the cops were called and they obviously had the the manager news no, no, they knew screw it up.
Speaker 1:But the store manager came out was like inspecting the side of the building and there's all kinds of damage there and shit like that. Yeah, it was, yeah was, yeah, it was wild.
Speaker 2:And you didn't get your burgers.
Speaker 1:We were just getting something to drink. We ended up getting our drinks later, but we were there for shit. We were probably there for an hour, you know, kind of answering questions and all that shit Like what happened and why.
Speaker 2:Holy fuck.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:That's the worst is when it's like when you hurt yourself and you have no one to yell at but yourself, Like that's how that must have felt right. Like you're hoping a teenager gets out with a skateboard and a cell phone so your wife can let her fucking have it.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, yeah, she would have too.
Speaker 2:Listen here, you dumb bitch, I'll fucking kill you. Yeah, and you want to see that. You know because as a guy, it's hot you know, my wife gets all fucking pissed off. I kind of dig it Like I've told her that before. You know, like when she gets all like go fuck yourself towards someone else, like part of me is just like dope Penis is out of purgatory you know what I mean.
Speaker 3:Part of me sometimes wants to get her pissed so that we can have angry sex. Just fucking fuck you, fucking fuck.
Speaker 2:Just poke the bear but only a little.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I'm pretty sure that would backfire in a big way, you know, like she'd be pissed off and I wouldn't get shit for weeks. You know, are you fucking kidding?
Speaker 2:me. So I'm stealing your idea. You have to pick between three stories Leatherface, racist, fuck you Walt Disney. So I'm stealing your idea. You have to pick between three stories Ooh, leatherface, racist, fuck you Walt Disney. Or concert clusterfuck.
Speaker 1:I want to know about the first one, the racist, the leatherhead, what?
Speaker 2:did you say Leatherface racist?
Speaker 1:Leatherface racist. Yeah, what the hell is that all about?
Speaker 2:Well, you know, Leatherface like Texas Chainsaw, like they're really ugly guy that always wear the overalls.
Speaker 2:Yep, keep that in mind, okay. So me and my wife on our honeymoon, we drove my kia down to myrtle beach. My kia, kia wouldn't want to be and um, the amount of tolls that, like we're, trip first off. Toll roads are fucking stupid. I'm sorry, but I just cannot stand them. I get why they do it and they're the nicest roads. I get that, yes, I get that. But, bitch, if I want to go get a fucking Slurpee for a dollar, it's not a dollar anymore. When I got to pay $4 to go on, your go on your.
Speaker 1:You don't have to take the fucking toll road.
Speaker 2:You bitch. I didn't, and this is what'll happen. Okay, so on google maps, there's a feature that you can click avoid tolls oh yeah, yep and like our trip from myrtle beach to home was like, say, 13 hours, yeah, with tolls yep without tolls, it was like 13 hours and 13 hours With tolls. Without tolls, it was like 13 hours and 12 minutes. It's like okay, dude, it took us on some fucking sketchy, fucking. You might actually know. Okay, so do you drive to Myrtle Beach when you go? Have you done that?
Speaker 1:No, I've always paid the tolls. You vids, that's it. I enjoy driving on fucking nice roads. I live in fucking Michigan. There's not a whole lot of fucking nice roads around here, okay, no no, so I enjoy it. I'll pay the fucking $10 to drive down to Myrtle Beach on good roads.
Speaker 2:I don't know. It was quite a bit. It showed me that it was going to be quite a bit. It was quite a bit. It showed me that it was going to be quite a bit. It was like, say, $40, right, well, just for the sake of argument, right, say it's $40. So we're driving, dude, and this is on our way to Myrtle Beach, so we're heading up on our honeymoon. You know, spirits are high, you're heading down. Myrtle Beach is down. I swear to god. Okay, yes, we're going down, it's going down uh so we did the no toll thing like I don't know.
Speaker 2:All I remember is dude. It starts raining, it's dark out and it takes us through west Virginia. Yeah, west Virginia, dude, scary place Like my small, tiny experience in West Virginia, not cool.
Speaker 1:Was there like banjos, Dude, Dude.
Speaker 2:It was something out of a fucking horror movie. So we go to this gas station, dude, and me and Chelsea both got a pass. We've been in the car for like five fucking hours. So we both go in the bathroom, dude, and I come out in a fucking panic, dude. So I piss Like dude. I look around Like first off, the dude behind the counter looks like fucking Leatherface. Like doesn't need makeup, like something fucking like.
Speaker 2:I don't dude big old bub, you know like 400-pound dude like 400 pound dude, like fucking whatever I look up, dude, I'm washing my hands. I look up and there is a like a pretty large banner in this bathroom and this is like a main gas station right by a highway. We proudly support white unity, really. And it's two white hands shaking. Oh shit, and I'm like holy fuck holy fuck, dude, like the clan's here.
Speaker 2:Dude, we gotta get the fuck out of here. Like I, like everybody, don't tell them that I'm cool with everybody. Like don't, hey, don't tell them. Hey, don't tell anybody about our black friends. Don't tell anybody that I'm cool with gay people. Don't you ever tell any people I'm accepting all right whites. Are it for us? Chelsea, you know. So I look at chelsea. I'm like we gotta get the fuck out of here. And she's like what do you mean? Like why? Like what, I'm gonna get snacks and stretch my legs. Like we'll stretch our legs wherever the fuck we get, but we gotta get the fuck out of here if you don't want to fucking die getting the fucking hug. And like she's like oh my god, I get out to the car. And she's like what? What the fuck? What's going?
Speaker 2:you know what's going on I'm like dude, look at my fucking phone and I show her the picture like we support what unity. She goes, drive the fucking car and it's like but, dude, how? Like? Like, blatantly racist, in the middle of fucking nowhere in a, in a dude, my fucking god, like dude. Oh, my god. That set me on edge, like just. And then we looked it up and that was the funny thing, dude. It was like we support white unity and it was like they gave a website and it's a bunch of people pissed off at Jewish people for calling themselves Caucasian.
Speaker 2:That's what they fight for who fucking cares, dude, it was like in the workforce if you have 100 workers, we would like there to only be one person of Jewish descent. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Dude, millions of dollars.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:That organization has millions. Really it's like a hate group that's fucked up. Wouldn't you get the fuck out of there?
Speaker 1:Yeah, bubble, I thought you were going in a very different direction with that whole story. Like you were going to come up with like a game show that was like squeal or no squeal or something like that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, dude. Yeah, I know a squirmer when I see one. And you, mister, Is it Fuck? I just used my last name. God damn it.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Whatever, I'm cool.
Speaker 1:I don't support white unity you know, I can bleep that out if you want.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, dude, we should test the bleeping feature.
Speaker 1:Like you, motherfucker, I ought to come over here and fuck you. Our audience would never hear anything. I know, yeah, dude.
Speaker 2:It'd be like hearing an Eminem CD with the edits on it. It's like I come up in the and I shove it, mama.
Speaker 1:It'd be like hooking a heart monitor up to a corpse.
Speaker 2:Oh, my God dude. Some other time. Some other time I got to tell my other. I got a couple other stories that are fucking bangers too, like fuck you, walt Disney and Concert Clusterfuck. Just remind me if we ever have extra time those are good, oh shit. You got another one, or should we hop?
Speaker 1:into the top five. I do have. So you ever been up to Cadillac and went to the? It was a little place called the Frosty Cup Ice cream place no, the Frosty Cup Ice cream place. No, the Frosty.
Speaker 2:Cup and it's not an ice cream place. Is this like a butthole bar? What is this?
Speaker 1:The Frosty.
Speaker 2:Cup. What the fuck is a?
Speaker 1:butthole bar. It sounds like a brothel. It was like a breakfast place.
Speaker 2:Like a coffee. I'm a buddy of yours. What the hell is a butthole bar Dude? Like a brothel, Like a butthole bar.
Speaker 3:We gotta create this.
Speaker 2:Dude. We were made to make animated television dude.
Speaker 1:With all the crazy shit that we can think of. But anyway, back to the Frosty Cup. So I'm just going to throw this out there. My wife and I may have may have hypothetically had sex in that parking lot, in the back of her, during breakfast time. Uh, I don't know if it was breakfast time, but there were people there hypothetically. Do you hypothetically have tinted windows? Yeah, tinted windows, what?
Speaker 2:if you didn't and you just roll those bitches down dude. Welcome to the butthole bar, Dude. Welcome to hey baby. Yeah, you like that shit. Welcome to the butthole bar. You like that shit. Oh, my god, Did you get breakfast after? Yeah, that is so cool. That's a dream of mine, dude, Like if I On vacation Chelsea, if you're listening. I would love to wake up in the morning, smoke the biggest joint ever with a friend. Yep, you know like, like I know, you don't smoke very regularly.
Speaker 1:No, you can't be a part of this dream if it has anything to do with butthole bars, I don't want to be involved. Anyway, it doesn't.
Speaker 2:But I think the coolest thing ever that a wife could do on a trip. You wake up around 11 when the teenagers do dude, because you got all fucked up the night before.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:You wake up, smoke a doom, go in the shower, whatever fuck your wife, go to a buffet. That would be the best way to ever start a day.
Speaker 1:It would be Ever yeah.
Speaker 2:Because you're going to be sluggish and taking your time. But guess what, buddy, You're at a fucking buffet Right. And you can take as long as you'd like my friend.
Speaker 1:Did I mention we have a chocolate?
Speaker 2:fountain.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah.
Speaker 2:You might want to wash your hands, though.
Speaker 3:They still smell like pussy. Oh, no shit.
Speaker 1:Oh man.
Speaker 3:But you got any other.
Speaker 2:So is one of your other stories quick, it can be. Just like me, we got an old country buffet to get to. Just like me, we got an old country buffet to get to. Fill me up, okay. So concert clusterfuck, I'll tell that one real quick. So it's actually kind of recent. So me and my wife about a year ago we went and saw Falling in Reverse and Hollywood Undead at Wings Event Center.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 2:And it was awesome, awesome fucking show. Yeah. So we get there and, dude, my wife is so much fun at these things, like she doesn't realize it Because she's kind of quiet, but like I feel like she really likes music and I hope she likes getting out there with me because it's something we really do a lot together. Yeah, but I music and I hope she likes getting out there with me because it's something we really do a lot together. Yeah, um, but I don't know she's, she always looks cute, she's always fun, like it's, it's, it's always great.
Speaker 2:So, um, there was an opener before hollywood undead and someone I didn't really know, or, um, I'm trying to think of who the fuck it was, it doesn't matter. So we get there and, like the lights are down. You know, we know, we know Wings Event Center really well because we go to the K-Wings games like every other fucking weekend. So, um, and our seats are kind of they're in the end zone, if you will, like we're not on the blue line, like we're kind of even with like the net Okay, so like the concert is all the way on the end.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And we're in the back, so it's as dark as it could be where we are, okay, and we walk to our seats and it's, I don't know, probably 60% full at this time. Yeah, and someone's in our seats. So us being cool people, we don't give a fuck, right? Yep, we just sat in another seat that was open. Yep, we'll figure it out. Yep, so said band gets off. And they got off. Oh my god, dude, they nutted all over the fucking concert, all over the ice. This one lady came out.
Speaker 3:I have aids.
Speaker 2:I know it, I know it oh my god, you can't get aids from someone busting a nut on your forehead.
Speaker 3:It's not how it spreads Anywho.
Speaker 2:So someone's in our seats and we're fine, so I obviously am probably a little high. I hopped out to go smoke a cigarette. Whatever, right yeah. No never, dude. I'm one of the most high-functioning, high people you'll ever meet, though, am I not? Like, I am not the typical. Like bro, you want to eat some?
Speaker 3:cereal and watch ren and stimpy like that's right, I have fun with it though yeah so we hop out for a cigarette.
Speaker 2:We come back, uh, to our section and it's in between bands, they're setting up for hollywood undead right now, and, um, we notice that no one's, no one's in our seats now. So we're like, okay, sweet, you know, like so the people in our seats is like a son and a mom and you could tell the mom just didn't fucking get it and the son actually was autistic, so we were treading really lightly yeah like it was like like this is probably a huge deal to him.
Speaker 2:Like oh yeah, you know what I mean yep, and me, you know, me and chelsea, like we're not out to ever like hurt someone's feelings, so we sit in our actual seats. Well, the lights go down and they're getting ready to come on, and here comes son and mom, right to where they were and it's kind of it kind of makes sense if you think about it right, like he knew where he was going but didn't.
Speaker 2:Okay, so we're in the right seats, they're not, and he doesn't get that yeah and I'm not trying to be a dick, but like dude, this is a sold-out concert like it is now, like we're we're now at like 95 percent full yeah so where we had sat previously when they were in their seats, those are gone right those are not an option yep the seats next to them gone.
Speaker 2:The seats in front of them are gone. It's packed. So we finally look at the mom and we're trying to explain this to her, and her son is autistic. He's fucking losing it, dude. He's like fuck you guys. You guys are a bunch of fucks. What the fuck? You're in our fucking seat. And like dude, it was like so say, it was like section 30, row H, seat 1, and 2, say right. Yep, Her ticket said 32, row H seat 1 and 2.
Speaker 2:So she was two over. So we're trying to show her where to go. And this lady's a fucking idiot. I can't even explain it to you, buddy, she's dumb. So she's in section 31 now telling people to move out of their seats, and it's the wrong people. So like we're trying to like explain this to her, like we're trying to get like one of the ticketing person, um and I think I lied earlier too like the lights weren't down at this point because we saw what the fuck was going on so they were probably just setting up.
Speaker 2:So we finally go grab a ticket guy and I'm like, dude, you're not gonna have a lot to do tonight, but if you can solve this for me, you're a fucking hero right, okay, no one else is gonna call you a hero today, but me you got 20 seconds. Help me solve this dumb dumb fucking over here. And I'm not talking about the kid, okay, without I'm not talking about him, his mom yeah, I was fucking out there, dude.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so he finally directs her to the seat that she's supposed to be in, like the actual one. So section 32, seat H, row whatever one, and two Kid, you, not dude. She walks all the way down to this row and I didn't realize it at the time. Dude stands up with sunglasses on. I thought he had sunglasses on because he was high, fucking blind. Oh my god oh shit. So all within a five minute period, we pissed, pissed off an autistic kid, his mom.
Speaker 2:Yep and a blind guy and a fucking blind guy that ended up tripping trying to find his correct seat. Why didn't the and I wanted to look at the mom so bad? Be like he's autistic, he's blind. What the fuck is your excuse Like? You know what I'm like.
Speaker 3:Oh my.
Speaker 2:God, that was an epic concert too, like the coolest thing about that. So actually that was falling in reverse. Papa Roach and Hollywood undead. Okay, so Papa Roach is pretty big. They're they're more like a nineties.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Uh uh, falling in reverse is really big right now, Kind of heavy.
Speaker 3:Okay.
Speaker 2:The craziest thing was is that I was there to see Falling in Reverse Singer Ronnie Radke. He's this wild as shit kind of guy and. I dig it, I dig him. I think he's fucking cool. He's a very go fuck yourself kind of guy. Yeah, and people mess with him, he'll respond with a middle finger.
Speaker 1:Don't give a fuck.
Speaker 2:He doesn't give a shit. Yep, the coolest part about that show was like falling reverse was excellent, dude, like I have nothing bad like excellent. And papa roach was great too, uh, but hollywood undead blew me fucking away like they were so good. It was like it was like hearing something for the first time that you had no idea was as good as you like they were so, dude, they had seven people on stage, buddy seven, yeah, like there's dudes that sing.
Speaker 3:Seven.
Speaker 2:Like there's dudes that sing, there's dudes that rap, there's dudes that play guitar, there's dudes that play drums, there's dudes that play bass, and they're so together. It was fucking insane.
Speaker 1:So like hearing, like somebody get up and rap and then their head singer kind of reminds me of like Chester from Linkin Park sounded like that kind of rasp but like really fucking good, yep blew me away one of my favorite bands to this day and I never would have known that yeah, sweet, and maybe if you had pissed off the blind guy, maybe it's because that moment was so tense that I was so focused on that and not my surroundings, because I didn't want to like draw attention yeah I ended up uh, the mom actually after hollywood and dad like went up with a son and I think he had to go to the bathroom or something.
Speaker 2:But I actually saw her out in the concourse and I went up to her and I just apologized. I was like, look like, I know you're trying to do a cool thing for your son here. I know that that was a horrible situation. This is probably where you don't want to be. It would be like me trying to switch seats with someone at like fucking Disney on ice, and I'm thinking to myself.
Speaker 2:I don't fucking want to be at Disney on ice, so why don't you sit the fuck down and just stop bugging me? You know, like that's kind of the attitude she had with me. She ended up giving me a big hug and explained to me like and I already knew like, explained to me that her son was autistic and he's a huge fan. Oh yeah, so it was a negative turned positive but, like, dude, that is the worst feeling in the world and anybody could have fallen into that fucking mousetrap.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:It's a sold-out concert. If we don't sit there, that means we don't watch it. Yep, Fuck Autistic guy goes and taps a fucking blind guy on the shoulder and I started the fucking hurricane. Oh man, Isn a guy goes and taps a fucking blind guy on the shoulder and I started the fucking hurricane.
Speaker 1:Oh man, isn't that wild. That's a true story dude, true fucking story rabid or just you're just pissing off all kinds of people yeah, dude, fuck you walt disney, remind me about that one all right. Well, uh, it's a time for our top five. Top five.
Speaker 3:Well, it's a time for our top five, top five.
Speaker 1:I'm really looking forward to seeing or hearing what you have on your dating profile.
Speaker 2:Would you like me to go first?
Speaker 1:Yeah, okay, you go first.
Speaker 2:So these are the top five worst things you could find on a dating profile description. The way I'm thinking of this is, if you're a chick chick, we'll say you're a chick and you're like oh fuck, dude, sky skyler's hot and shit. His description says what, what the fuck?
Speaker 1:that's what we're going for or if you're a dude, you're like wow, britney's got perky titties.
Speaker 2:They touch her description says what, all right, the worst. So like one-liners or like description paragraphs or whatever you could have in there, right yep, you bring a safe word, I'll bring the plan b oh my god, number five, that was number five.
Speaker 2:You bring the safe word, I'll bring that. Plan B, number four. What's up? My name's Chet and I'm an adaptive motherfucker. I've lived in my mom's basement, county jail, prison and a farm all within one year. If I move in with you, bitch, it'll be number five. That's five places in one year. I don't even think michael jordan's done that piece can you imagine? Oh man oh my god, oh my god, number three, this is yeah, number three. Number three, this is yeah, number three.
Speaker 3:I have an appetite.
Speaker 2:I've been known to have an appetite, like Jeffrey Dahmer.
Speaker 1:Appetite like Jeffrey Dahmer.
Speaker 3:Oh my god dude.
Speaker 2:That's all it says in the About Me. I tend to have an appetite, like Jeffrey Dahmer.
Speaker 1:I can't even imagine. The picture that the guy would have.
Speaker 2:Number four is going to have a two-parter. Okay, and I'm sorry for that. This is going back to the first episode where I had a top six.
Speaker 1:Oh, what the?
Speaker 2:fuck, no, dude. One's if you're a guy, One's. If you're a girl, Okay, All right. So if you're a guy, it would say couches, pull out, but I never do. And if you're a girl it would say my vagina has no gag reflex. And number one I can flick a paper football with my boner and make field goals all damn day, dude. It's often odd to picture this, but it's kind of like the door spring the doorknob when it goes back and forth.
Speaker 3:That's the type of motion.
Speaker 2:I'm willing to give you baby.
Speaker 3:I can flick a fucking paper football with my boner.
Speaker 2:Oh man, I don't even know if that's possible. Nope, nope, I cannot start that because that's how my brain works. Dude the next time. I do a count, honey. Wait, wait, wait One second. You remember at Sam's Club when you were asking me if I was making a cootie catcher and I said, nope, you'll see.
Speaker 3:You're going to want to see this.
Speaker 1:You're going to try it out?
Speaker 2:Oh, man, man, I got a couple ones for the for that back half portion.
Speaker 1:All right, all right. Well, this is my top five. Top five, I'm going to say these are the top five worst Tinder profiles. So you're swiping through Tinder.
Speaker 2:Like description or names the bio Okay.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, yeah. Number one this could be male or female, it doesn't matter. Okay, I can hide a half kilo of cocaine in my prison wallet.
Speaker 3:Do you want to play hide and seek?
Speaker 2:I can hide a half kilo in my prison wallet my prison wallet, dude, it's currency. It turns out down the street they're opening a butt bar, so my prison wallet's on point.
Speaker 1:It's a butthole bar. Oh my god. Number two, let me uh, oh my god, number two, I mean.
Speaker 3:That would be so intriguing if I was single.
Speaker 2:I'd be like fuck it. You wanna go? Oh my god, do you wanna go? Egg some cars and poke homeless people in sticks and eat some fucking White Castle? Because I feel like you're down for that. Number two.
Speaker 1:And this could be male or female Must be cautious during sex or my colostomy bag might rupture.
Speaker 3:Oh my god, and then keep describing it.
Speaker 2:Have you ever ordered a drink that's called a mudslide? It's like that without the syrup. Oh shit, my colostomy Number three. I feel bad for people that have that. That would suck.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, it would suck dude. Yeah, absolutely, absolutely, especially if they were trying to get dates.
Speaker 2:Okay, I'm guessing doggy's out of the picture because.
Speaker 1:Number three I'm only here for the rim jobs, oh my god period but make it all rhyme dude like.
Speaker 2:I'm only here for the rim jobs and the trim jobs and the grim jobs and if you're looking for a penis? I hope you're down with slim jobs. I'm only here for the rim jobs, and if you're looking for a penis, I hope you're down with Slim Jobs.
Speaker 2:I'm only here for the rib jobs. That would be so weird if that was a guy. That was straight. Yeah, and girls? That's the first thing that they read was just like I want you to lick my butthole clean. I want you to clean that shit, like I'm going to sell it on eBay. Look at that. You left a spot. He left a spot. You missed a spot. There's a streak. You get those crusties.
Speaker 1:The Klingons, don't forget the Klingons. The extra crunch beers. Oh my God, the Klingons. Don't forget the Klingons, the extra crunch berries. Oh shit, number four, mm-hmm, my ankle monitor.
Speaker 3:Oh, my God.
Speaker 1:Yes, doesn't allow me to leave my mom's house, so we'll have to do it in the garage.
Speaker 3:Oh, my God.
Speaker 2:Another person I'd hit up Doesn't allow me to leave my mom's. Oh my God, would you call her? No? Actually, it's really funny that you say that, because I knew somebody, so I had to sell insurance in benton harbor, yeah, and like dude.
Speaker 2:I got really cool with a lot of people down there like dude. There's nothing like that feeling. It's just so cool like I can't even explain it like I I could just roll through there like it was awesome. But one night we were all at a party and, uh, I was asking a couple people what they do and you, you know, it was like five friends and you know relatives, whatever. And one guy's like I'm a mechanic and one guy's, like you know, I'm a lawyer. And one guy's like you know, I work at blah, blah, blah in the factory. One guy looked at me in the fucking dead and dead, fucking serious, Looks at me and goes I'm the dude that can do kind of crazy shit like you need your ankle monitor. Took enough, I got that shit bitch like dude. So this was the guy that could like remove an ankle monitor and then reassemble it and no one would know so like if you needed to actually let go, so like he made a fuck ton of money doing.
Speaker 1:Oh, I bet yeah a fuck ton of money doing that.
Speaker 2:Oh, I bet yeah A fuck ton of money doing that yeah. Because people would leave for a couple days, because it doesn't even look like they're there.
Speaker 1:Right yeah.
Speaker 2:Or if you're looking to skip town. Yeah 200 bucks will get you out of that.
Speaker 1:Oh shit, Isn't that great yeah.
Speaker 2:I bet he made a lot of money especially in Benton Harbor area.
Speaker 1:harbor area, dude, if you died because you had too long of a boner, like you talked about earlier, right, I don't have to worry about having too long of a boner.
Speaker 2:Wouldn't they send over a cocksmith? Or like a surgeon that works on hands. Like don't they have a hand job? Like I would talk about that all day. Like giving handies all day at work and I'm supposed to just be cool with it a cocksmith, oh my god, all right.
Speaker 1:Number five number five this is. This is a woman's bio. Okay, do you do voices or do you not like them? No, okay, no, there's no voice. This is a bio. You're reading it?
Speaker 3:You're kind of going to do it like this and you say, hey, I'm Sharon.
Speaker 1:So on the lady's profile it says I'm married with a pegging fetish. Oh my God, my husband's not into it, no, ass.
Speaker 2:I'll pass Dude, not calling her no ass. I'll pass. And there she is reading your profile that says you're only here for the rim job. She thinks it's a match made in heaven. But after that rim job, oh my God, dude. So penis purgatory, right back to that.
Speaker 3:but after that rim job. Oh my god, Dude so penis purgatory.
Speaker 2:Right back to that. If you go one way, you get a boner, and it's awesome, and if you go the opposite way, like the hell way, dude, that's pegging.
Speaker 3:That's what that is.
Speaker 2:Like when you don't think there's a rock bottom, but you keep drilling down, keep drilling.
Speaker 1:Keep drilling, Keep going. Oh my God.
Speaker 2:Dude, that would make me delete the app.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you're not swiping right on that, like the other ones.
Speaker 2:I think that would be weird, like if someone was like super religious, like an overly religious, where it's like I only praise Allah and I come to Allah, like shit, like that would be so fucking freaky.
Speaker 1:Yeah. Where are you shimmery other ones um.
Speaker 2:I'm fluent in english klingon jabberwockies and star wars my pullout game is stronger than your ability to walk the next day. I want to Casper the Ghost you on your face. Do you remember Casper the Ghost?
Speaker 3:Yeah, yeah, if she got all sticky.
Speaker 2:Sticky. What about Ted Bundy fanatic?
Speaker 3:Period About me. Oh shit.
Speaker 2:Love to make you shout, love to eat you out.
Speaker 1:I'm Eric.
Speaker 2:Please holla. I hope the meanest bone in your body is me. I'm Rick, I'm 36. And honestly I'm just looking to get my thing wet. Or someone that listed hobbies Like what if they listed like paper mache, float building, writing poems?
Speaker 3:And then the last one, eating cats. Oh shit.
Speaker 2:Most of my sexual experiences involve you laying there and shutting the fuck up.
Speaker 3:And me jerking off.
Speaker 2:passions include night vision, stalking ling, fucking train, in that order oh my god dude.
Speaker 1:Oh my God, dude. So I have one extra one, and I was kind of debating on whether or not to put it in the top five, but I couldn't think of any ones to replace. The females bio would say if my personality doesn't suit you, be patient. I have nine more, oh my God, and I will suit you, be patient.
Speaker 2:I have nine more, oh my god, and I will find you. Yes, oh my god, be patient. I have nine more. I don't fuck on the first date Period. Oh shit, or what if they posted different restaurants and what you would get? So if you went to Checkers, you'll get side boob. Oh yeah, yeah, right, okay, and then we're going to move up a little bit. We're at Qdoba now.
Speaker 1:You're going to get some make-out action with titty, full titty.
Speaker 2:We're going to put I don't know Apple at like hand job, olive gardens, blow job. Bold is like you know you're able to do, like fuck, you know, and then, uh, you know, like a webster's like a really expensive. A really expensive place would be you. They just label it as Grand Slam.
Speaker 1:For a bowl. They better be able to peg her. Yeah, dude.
Speaker 2:So, like after that, the Grand Slam would just be any hole, any goal. I'm open to criticism at that point, my belly's full. I'm going to be full for more than one reason take me out to this place or what are other things that like girls could put on their profile. That would be like just a huge turnoff. Dave matthews band fan. I don't know all natural, including my armpits that would be a no.
Speaker 1:What?
Speaker 2:if her vagina hair looked like the beard of ZZ Top?
Speaker 1:like it never stopped growing you could like braid it.
Speaker 2:You know, dude give it cornrows. Oh my God dude, what is?
Speaker 1:another thing, that would be a different style of landing strip.
Speaker 2:And I think guy profile would be like anything that like over-talked about sex would be a huge one. Like I'm just trying to think about like real-life application of like what would be awful. Like I'm just trying to think about like real life application of like what would be awful Like girls or like just looking for you to come fuck a baby into me or something creepy like that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I don't use protection.
Speaker 2:Currently have seven baby daddies Holler at me if you want to be number eight.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's a big no.
Speaker 2:Hope you're cool with masturbating in the bathroom, like usual.
Speaker 3:I don't put out.
Speaker 1:Don't worry, I have a mirror Menopause.
Speaker 2:Menopause victim here. What else could a girl put on a profile that would be super unattractive if you were single? You got to think when you're single, works at the butthole bar that of the month. Call me up.
Speaker 1:oh my god, I want you to put it on your face like war paint. Yeah, I want you to get your red wings tonight.
Speaker 2:Big boy, oh my god, twilight fan yeah twilight fan come fuck a baby into me, oh my.
Speaker 3:God, there's so many things, are you?
Speaker 2:Moses, do you want to part?
Speaker 1:my ribs Part the ribs let's see God, why don't we?
Speaker 2:sit around and watch Dexter.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah.
Speaker 2:What could a guy put on her profile that would be awful. What could a guy put on her profile that would be awful Like if you're reading this and I'm not online, please call my lawyer.
Speaker 1:Only out from prison for the weekend. Hit me up.
Speaker 2:They call me micro penis. They call me micro penis, micro penis, paul, or they call me sterile steve. We have nothing to worry about, girl.
Speaker 1:I'm shooting blanks they call me butt bar, bob butt bar bob dude, I'm a regular.
Speaker 2:Yes, I work there. I am the only male at the butthole.
Speaker 1:I think we should ask our listeners for some good ones. What would you say no to if you saw on a bio for Tinder or for any other dating site?
Speaker 2:Even adding another layer, say she's hotter than fuck.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, she's a tan Dude.
Speaker 2:That reminds me you get that match right, like you get that match and it's like pamela anderson and her prime titties are touching, like she looks super hot, but you read about her and you're like I'm good yeah, I mean, I don't know.
Speaker 1:So when you said that, when you said that they were hot, have you ever heard of of the crazy hot matrix?
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's true, it's a very true thing.
Speaker 1:That's very, very true.
Speaker 2:You got to find. So she'd have to be a 10 hot, but crazy like crazy crazy.
Speaker 1:She'd have to be like a 10 crazy, like the type of chick.
Speaker 2:that's like 42, not married and still saying men ain't shit, it's like bitch, you ain't shit.
Speaker 1:Yeah, shit, yeah that. But in that situation oh yeah, so crazy, what would be? What would be something that you would read on one of those crazy bios? That's what I want to know, I think. I think our listeners would probably have some. Come up with some good shit dude.
Speaker 2:I don't give a fuck if she looks like scarlett johansson. If she had a buuckeye shirt on, I'm fucking dead my boner.
Speaker 1:My first message to her would be You're going to have an innie instead of an outie.
Speaker 2:Dude, I would just text her a picture of a turtle and just say my boner's turtle-shelled baby he's not coming out. You're not going to see an O-face from me, that's on your resume for life, yeah, or just hot dog down a hallway period.
Speaker 1:Oh shit.
Speaker 3:Currently in hospice come hang. Oh my God, oh my God, oh, that's bad Currently in hospice and I'm down for anything, even if it kills me Because likely it will.
Speaker 2:I've actually heard old folks'. Homes are like they fuck a lot. Oh yeah, that's cool.
Speaker 1:Yeah, there's a lot. I think a lot of the old folks' homes and shit like that. They're crawling with STDs and shit.
Speaker 2:That's not cool, but if it wasn't, I don't know. I feel like if I was an old guy I'd have some funny terms, If I was in an old folks' home and I was a single guy, obviously. Right. If I'm with Chels, we'll be in there together with our stupid Segway cards.
Speaker 1:Or whatever the fuck. Those are those like like hover around, you know those little automatic things.
Speaker 2:Yeah, the yeah, but like, do you think that, like the term like I want some gummies, you know? Like when someone says I want some gummies, like I know what that means, you're?
Speaker 1:gonna have a lady take out her teeth and drop to her knees, exactly dude I want some gummies.
Speaker 2:Don't knock it till. You tried it.
Speaker 3:Well, I've tried it, my friend take out her teeth and drop to her knees. Exactly, dude.
Speaker 2:What's up, gabby? Don't knock it till you've tried it. Well, I've tried it, my friend. I'll never get blowjobs with teeth again. I'm never going back, bro. I've already told my wife bite the curb bitch, because we gotta solve this oh my god, dude, bite the curb bitch. Oh my god, their phones listening are probably serving them a bunch of trolley old gummy ads and stuff.
Speaker 2:It's like that's not what we mean. Nope, I mean, gladys is gonna down here, take her dentures out. She can barely breathe, but I'm having a great time and I always remind myself, if she actually does die, that's what she's here to do.
Speaker 1:It's no risk. Oh God, oh man.
Speaker 3:Let's just say that's dark.
Speaker 2:The word condom doesn't get used often here.
Speaker 1:Oh man, well, I think that about wraps it up, jesus.
Speaker 2:Well, that about raw dogs it out oh man.
Speaker 1:Well, hey thanks everybody for joining us. Hope you really enjoyed the show.
Speaker 2:We took it too far.
Speaker 1:Maybe a little.
Speaker 2:I'm a habitual line stepper.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we know this.
Speaker 2:I know this. That's why we're here.
Speaker 1:It is why we're here. We're blowing off steam. We're having a great time. Dude, this is like the highlight of the week for me, Don't let your wife hear it After.
Speaker 2:Do you have time with her?
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, Well, yes, obviously.
Speaker 2:I know it's one of my favorite things too, like I just I don't know, and I feel like every time we do it I'm geeked for the next one.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I feel like every time we do it.
Speaker 2:I'm geeked for the next one, yeah, just to even rehash it, yes, so I guess that's a listener thing that I would like.
Speaker 1:Jason. Well, I know that probably some people have been kind of upset. I think you've gotten some phone calls that why haven't we put out a new episode? And, like we said in the last one, we kind of fucked that one. Well, I did, I fucked that one all up.
Speaker 2:The audio was shit. Even though the audio was a little fucky.
Speaker 1:I still think it sounded better than the halftime show. Yeah, yeah, but yeah, it was bad. It was real bad. We couldn't put that one out.
Speaker 2:No, we're down to put out, but not that.
Speaker 1:Well, if we're going to put out, we want to make sure it's good, right.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I want to have my Britney Spears onesie, that weird belly shirt on, if I'm putting out, I'm going, you know we're wearing the Britney Spears onesie and going to the butthole bar. Going to the butthole bar and just paid $5 to get my penis out of purgatory. What you doing tonight, girl, oh shit.
Speaker 2:Penis purgatory dude that's a new term and I think that's a funny term that might stick and truly. What I mean by penis purgatory is like when you're in that in-between phase, like where you're not hard you, you're not hard, you're not soft, but in life, right, like we're, like maybe wife isn't fucking, or like whatever dude.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:I'm in penis purgatory. Yeah, I get it. It's been canceled.
Speaker 1:Sex is canceled.
Speaker 2:Turns out they don't take too kind to Casper the ghost jokes, oh shit.
Speaker 1:Well, hey, that wraps it up. Thanks for listening. Appreciate you. You can reach out to us.
Speaker 2:Comments on YouTube, spotify, yep, but the best way to get a hold of the show is our Gmail account, which Brad talked about earlier. R-o-w-d-a-n-d-l-o-u-d-y.
Speaker 1:Drop us a line At gmailcom.
Speaker 2:Or don't. We don't give a fuck. Yeah, we don't care.
Speaker 1:But if you do, we'll interact.
Speaker 2:The fuck out of that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we'll make some comments.
Speaker 2:I hope we get to the point where we can't have that Gmail because it gets flooded. Dude, that would be a great day.
Speaker 1:Yeah, great day.
Speaker 2:yeah, your mailbox is full and you can't take any more yeah, treat us like that poor dog Sadie and my dog Loki. Just stuff that mailbox, just open it in stuff.
Speaker 1:Whatever you want, be like Moses. Well, thanks everybody, we'll catch you on the next episode absolutely.
Speaker 2:Thank you guys for listening peace, peace for listening, peace. Peace.
