Rowd & Loudy Comedy Podcast

Season 2 Episode 1 Christmas No No No's

• Rowd and Loudy • Season 2 • Episode 1

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December doesn’t play by the rules, so we tossed ours too. Season two opens with a freer flow: Christmas plans, teen gift dilemmas, and the small rituals that make the holidays feel like home. From there, we lace up our movie hot takes—Home Alone’s hilarious plot holes, Die Hard’s rightful place in the canon, Elf and The Grinch for family nights, and the gloriously raunchy chaos of Office Christmas Party and The Night Before. Nostalgia wraps around the conversation as we weigh real trees vs fake, mourn the magic of Toys R Us aisles, and admit that some traditions matter precisely because they’re imperfect.

The wildest turn? A Memphis burlesque-drag holiday show retelling, complete with lip-synced Mariah Carey and an unexpected lesson about presence. Saying yes to a night that isn’t your scene, just to be there with your people, might be the most honest version of holiday spirit. We also talk sports as a seasonal ritual—Michigan vs. Ohio State rants, the ache of rivalry, and how bowl games quietly organize New Year’s day like clockwork.

Finally, we unleash a Top Five “worst in-law gifts” list so wrong it doubles as a guide to doing it right. The satire is sharp on purpose: gifts should say “I see you,” not “I shocked you.” If you’re stuck, aim for something that solves a small problem, calls back a shared memory, or sparks a new tradition. Hit play for laughs, stories you can’t un-hear, and a reminder that the best holiday moments are rarely the ones we planned. If you’re into unfiltered humor, Christmas movie debates, and the cozy mess of family, you’re home. Subscribe, share with a friend, and tell us your most awkward holiday gift story—we might read it next time.

ROWD and LOUDY is the ultimate comedy podcast where two best friends share hilarious, never-before-heard stories in every episode! Tune in for laughs, surprises, and spontaneous humor as each episode features fresh, funny tales that one of the hosts has never heard before. Plus, every episode includes a Top 5 list where we rank and discuss random topics, adding even more fun to the mix. Whether you’re into storytelling, comedy, or just want to hear two friends banter about life, ROWD and LOUDY has you covered.

Listen now for your weekly dose of laughter, entertainment, and raw, unfiltered humor.

Comedy, Funny Stories, Humor Podcast, Best Friend Podcast, Hilarious Podcast, Top 5 Podcast, Hilarious Podcast, Storytelling Podcast, Weekly Comedy Show, Laugh out Loud Podcast, Unfiltered Humor.

SPEAKER_03:

All right. Welcome back to the Rowden Loudie podcast. Season two. Season two. This is this is episode one, season two. Turning over a new leaf.

SPEAKER_02:

I'm not sure we're turning over a new leaf.

SPEAKER_03:

There's no leaves on it snowing.

SPEAKER_00:

It's almost Christmas time. Dude, I love that too. So my we're getting right into it. First and foremost. Um, I know we kind of went back and forth with the last couple episodes. We talked about possibly doing conspiracy theories, then like you know, moments in history, and we talked about this and we talked about that. We just kind of scrapped it all. We met it all out the window. Fuck you, dude. All right. We said eat eat a dick.

SPEAKER_03:

Yep.

SPEAKER_00:

But the reason we said that is because we kind of like it more when we riff. We realize that, like, I mean, what this is how we roll. This is how we talk. Like, dude, I walk in every morning and I give Brad like a go fuck yourself, middle finger, and he hits me with one. Like, it's just it's just like our bro code. So instead of having a lot of structure, we're gonna keep the top five. But other than that, we're just gonna kind of riff. So today's episode's Christmas. We got Christmas coming up in 15 days. So it's gonna be kind of a Christmas episode where we kind of talk about Christmas type stuff, but we don't have a plan. Um, and we got a top five worst gifts to get your in-laws for Christmas. Or parents. Or parents.

SPEAKER_03:

So this goes back to our very first episode. And it was what worst gifts to worst your wife that were significant other. And dude, I mean, I still laugh about some of those that we came up with. Oh, yeah. Mine, there's one of mine that it it frightened me that I came up with it. Like, it's so dark. Like, and I'm gonna be honest, that's my first one that I came up with. Like, what's the worst gift that I could give my in-laws or my parents? And that's where my mind went.

SPEAKER_00:

Dude, I just went to a dark place thinking about something dark.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah. Wow. But but yeah, so what what do you guys got going on this year?

SPEAKER_00:

For Christmas? Yeah. Well, we always do Christmas on Christmas Eve with my daughter Lucy. So we do like our family Christmas, like with Chelsea, uh Peyton, Lucy, and me, and Loki. Uh, we do that together on the 24th, and then we Hey, I gotta stop you.

SPEAKER_03:

You remember when you couldn't figure out the top?

SPEAKER_00:

I know. I've been looking at this thing the whole time, dude. Yeah. That time that I had a straw that was like the same length of the lid, and it just baffled me, dude. Like, take the fucking lid off. Oh my god.

SPEAKER_02:

Alright, sorry.

SPEAKER_00:

Even now though, like, right? Once you get past the seal, these lids are ridiculous in these slushies, dude. When you go to speedway and shit, they're nuts. But they give you that extra three ounces that you we deserve. You know?

SPEAKER_03:

We deserve it.

SPEAKER_00:

Oh man. Fill it all the way up. This is a very positive slushie for me because I thought it was closed. Like I thought the coke wasn't an option. Oh. You know? And it was. Like wife's begging for anal, but like just told you about diarrhea. Like, you don't think it's an option. You know, like you don't.

SPEAKER_02:

I want to know when is your wife ever begs for anal? Never.

SPEAKER_00:

Not once. I don't know why I went there. You know?

SPEAKER_02:

I don't know. That was that dark place you were talking about.

SPEAKER_00:

So dark. Oh, dude. Um, but yeah, so we've been shopping, and let me tell you, shopping for a 13-year-old is a lot harder than it is shopping for a baby. Or shopping for a five-year-old, even. Like it's just it's it's very specific, no?

SPEAKER_03:

Well, you you have to emphasize it's 13-year-old girl. Yeah. Not because a 13-year-old boy, I could figure that out.

SPEAKER_00:

I know. And I want to nail it because she's awesome. I love her to death. But like, I don't know. But other than that, dude, like, we're just we're getting ready for that. Um, and then on Christmas Eve night, so we'll drop Lucy, uh drop her off back at her mom's at bedtime. She goes to Sturgis and opens presents with her mom and her family. And then um, we go to Ashley and Brandon's and stay the night on Christmas Eve. We all kind of like hang out, watch Christmas movies, whatever. Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_03:

What's your favorite Christmas movie?

SPEAKER_00:

Ooh, man. I'm gonna probably have to say the Home Alone series as a whole is probably my favorite. Like, just I like me and Lucy watched it so much growing up together. Like, like, not me growing up, like I watched it with my family, but I also have a lot of good memories of my daughter with that movie. So um I love that. Like a personal favorite. Like, if I had to do like a top couple ones, like I love the Home Alone series, but there's some holes in there, you know what I'm saying? Like, what are the robbers after? No, no, no, no. First off, first off, let me ask you this What does Kevin McAllister's dad do for a living that he can fly everybody to fucking Italy? Yeah, I don't know.

SPEAKER_03:

He's in the mob or something.

SPEAKER_00:

Dude, something weird. Yeah. Like that dude, like he never really I don't know. It's it it's it's something weird though, because like with how just remember that like dinner scene when they're all eating dinner and then they spill all the shit, like, look what you did, you little fucking jerk, you know? Yep. But like, even more than that, like the there's like so many things that like I feel like now films will explain like why this happened or why that happened. Like, why is Joe Pesci drafassed as a cop and just standing in the hallway for a while? Can you imagine how weird that would have been as a kid if you were just like walking through there's a cop just hanging out? Like, I'm warning people of break-ins. It's like this is this is extreme. This is a little bit weird. Yeah. I asked for a hug and you started kissing me, dude. Like, I don't you know.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah. I don't know. Yeah, there, I mean, there's a lot of things.

SPEAKER_00:

And what were they stealing? Right? And Home Alone 2, I get it. They're trying to steal Duncan's toy chest, and he's got all that money for charity. Got got it, check, right? When you go through the McAllister's house, dude, there's nothing of value. Right? There's candlesticks, there's a table, there's uh, you know, a fireplace, there's Kevin's room, there's the fucking blow-up, whatever, but there's nothing like artwork they're after, or you know, or like a secret stash of money, or Yeah. I mean, you don't know that though.

SPEAKER_03:

You don't know what they were after.

SPEAKER_00:

I know, and that's why I wish I I wish I I wish I knew, you know? Yeah. I wish I could call Harvin and Harvin Mary. No. Harry and Harvin Mary. Harry and Marv. I wish I could call them be like, yo, what were you after, dude? Were you just glutton for punishment, dude? Like who? Yeah. Dude, you got shot in the dick with a nail gun. Like, your hair was lit on fucking fire. You fell down an entire staircase. You got hit in the face with paint. Like, when did you decide to quit? Like, it this is ridiculous. Oh yeah, I'd have been done. It's like, dude, tell us what you're after because if I'm getting shot in the dick with a nail gun and my hair's litting on fire, I'm falling down a staircase, I'm getting hit in the face with fucking paint. We carried paint the other day. It's heavy. Can you imagine that? That from like the top story?

SPEAKER_01:

No.

SPEAKER_00:

You're toast.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

unknown:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

Dude, I would turn into a tag of Viloa, dude, with the hands in front every time he has a concussion, you know? Like, dude, I'd be done.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, I'd have been Yeah, there, yeah. I w I would have walked away.

SPEAKER_00:

I'd be after weird shit, dude. Like, I wouldn't be the dude after like a big old pile of money, like, even though that'd be sweet. I'd be the dude that would be like doing it because like of a Michael Jordan rookie autograph or something stupid. It's like, no, you don't understand. Like, you know. But like, I don't know. I thought that was wild. And um what's what's your other ones? I love um I love Christmas Vacation. I don't know why. I just I find the brother so r uh or the the cousin or whatever he is, cousin at it. Like, I find him so ridiculous, but he does it so well. Oh yeah. Like absolutely he knows.

SPEAKER_03:

There's nobody else that can play the part the way he did.

SPEAKER_00:

Like you believe it 100%. Like you, you know. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_03:

You believe it.

SPEAKER_00:

Clark, uh, hey, Clark, if the dog gets a hold of you and starts doing his thing, it's best you just let him finish. You know, like can you imagine?

unknown:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

You can't imagine if the first time I came over, you're like, hey, I have a dog, his name's Roy. Just letting you know. She'd wear short shorts around him, he gets a hold of you, just let him finish. Like, dude, I would never I would leave. Yeah. I'd leave like that kid that came over. Never mind. But yeah. Oh my god. So I like uh Christmas Vacation, Home Alone, Elf. Yeah. Yeah, that's a pretty good one. Um my personal favorites, though, if I'm not talking family, I like the night before. And I like Office Christmas Party. Those are two that I love.

SPEAKER_01:

Okay.

SPEAKER_00:

They're raunchy as fuck. Like the or Harold and Kumar Christmas in 3D is fucking hilarious. Oh yeah. And it's a wonderful binge. So if you're looking for something raunchy, Office Christmas Party. Uh it's a wonderful binge on Netflix. Um The Night Before, which is like Seth Rogan, and they all go out. Uh fuck, what was the other one?

SPEAKER_03:

I don't know, sure story.

SPEAKER_00:

I just had four, but I don't know what the Oh, Harold and Kumar, Christmas. Yeah. Those those four are raunchy and great. Okay.

SPEAKER_03:

What about you? What's your shit? My number one Christmas movie has gotta be Die Hard.

SPEAKER_00:

I love that.

SPEAKER_03:

And I don't like died. And it's not the series. It's not the it's not the series, because they to me they they ruined it after the first one. There's so many things that the first one is epic. Who is that main actor? Bruce Willis?

unknown:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah. So that's gotta be my my number one Christmas my personal Christmas favorite Christmas movie. That's great. And then for family ones, we always the home alone ones, we we'll the original. We watch that every Christmas pretty much. And then the other one we watch is Um A Christmas, I think it's a Christmas story. It's with Ralphie and where he um where he get comes down the fucking stairs in that great big fucking pink Easter bunny. Yep. Her pink bunny costume. Um is that a it's a Christmas story? Yeah. I think it's a Christmas story. Yeah. That's that one. What that movie anyway. It's Ralphie and I haven't seen that one in more.

SPEAKER_00:

You'll shoot your eye out.

SPEAKER_03:

And then um what other ones do we usually watch? We got you usually watch Elf around the Christmas time as well. That's pretty good.

SPEAKER_00:

Do you like Christmas Vacation?

SPEAKER_03:

I do. Uh I don't it's not one I wouldn't say it's one of my favorites. I do like it, but I mean if I'm gonna sit down and watch a Christmas movie, that's probably not the one I'm choosing.

SPEAKER_00:

But Harold and Kumar Christmas is wonderful. You should watch some of those, dude. If you haven't, they're great. Yeah, I haven't watched it anymore. They're like over the top. Yeah. Office Christmas party, they throw just a fucking banger party, dude. Like, like six, seven hundred people show up. They're like throwing filing cabinets off the top. Like they think the company's going down, so they don't give a fuck. Like it epic. The night before. Have you seen that one?

SPEAKER_03:

The night before?

SPEAKER_00:

With Seth Rogan?

SPEAKER_03:

Nope.

SPEAKER_00:

Okay, so that's all about um one of their friends had their parents pass away, and every Christmas Eve they get together and get all fucked up. And it was the last time they were gonna do it. So they're calling it the night before. So they're trying to get to this like huge party called like the cracker nutcracker ball or something like that. Okay. And it's just epic, dude. It's Thomas Gordon Lovett or Joseph Gordon Lovett, uh Seth Rogan, and someone else. That's cool.

SPEAKER_03:

You know, another one that I didn't mention that I usually end up watching is the uh The Grinch. Jim Carrey. He's great. Yeah, I usually end up watching. We in one way or another, the family or whatever, it's usually on around that time.

SPEAKER_00:

So dude, we've been stuck on Stranger Things. Like, that's so great. Like, I don't know. I'm sure a lot of it's so great. It's such a that's such a nostalgic show for me. Like, just it's so cool that you watched them grow up too. Like, because I start I don't know, I think I started season two or three. Like, Chelsea didn't think I'd like it.

SPEAKER_01:

Okay.

SPEAKER_00:

And I ended up watching one with her and asking her way too many questions, and she got all annoyed and was like, What the fuck? Like, we'll just watch it from the start. Like how it how it always goes. Yeah. The only thing that never gets me is like British people. Like, like the with the weird gowns and like the weird hair, and like the redheads are hot for some reason, and like everyone's I don't know. Yeah. Ho ho ho, like, dude, eat a dick. I don't give a fuck. Like, show me your titties, shoot someone in the fucking face, I'm bored. I don't understand why you're dancing. You know, like I don't like a musical with dancing, dude.

SPEAKER_03:

Not your thing?

SPEAKER_00:

No, that's a punishment. That's uh like I'd rather be in jail. There's people I can talk to about that shitty movie.

SPEAKER_03:

Right, yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

You know?

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah. No, I get that.

SPEAKER_00:

Like, there's a movie that I will refuse to go back and watch. Cause to me, i it just like it it it's three hours off my life, I'll never get back. That I never liked was No Country for Old Men. I couldn't stand it.

SPEAKER_03:

I don't think I ever saw that one.

SPEAKER_00:

Don't.

SPEAKER_03:

It's stupid. The longest movie I think that I've watched.

SPEAKER_00:

It was like three and a half hours, it was like three hours something.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah, I think uh Avatar. I did watch Avatar, but The Green Mile is another one that's don't know if that one's not. That was a good one. That was wild. That was a good movie. I re I enjoyed that one.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. Do you guys do an what do you guys do what are you guys doing for Christmas? What's your agenda?

SPEAKER_03:

Um we're gonna hang at what I think this weekend we have uh my wife's family's Christmas. And then my we usually go to my mom's on Christmas Eve every year, and then Christmas Day. I'm not sure what we'll what we'll do, where we'll go, where we'll end up.

SPEAKER_00:

Is it weird being an empty nester now?

SPEAKER_03:

It is. Like is it is it sad or is it it was the first couple of Christmas. I mean it's still I mean I would love to see both of my kids on Christmas, which I might see my son on Christmas because he's he's up here now. Um But yeah, I mean it was like that first Christmas when they were both gone. I'm like yeah, that sucked. But yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

But yeah, I mean I Because if you ever have that dude, you can come over and hang with us, dog. You know that. You know what I mean? Yeah. We got 18 more years of this dude with Peyton. Like you got you feel me? Yep, yep. So, yeah, we can figure it out.

SPEAKER_03:

Oh yeah, yeah, that'd be fun. We'll that would be fun to be be there for Christmas one year. But um yeah, my son, uh he he probably will we'll probably see him Christmas Day this year, depending on he might do something with his mom. I don't know.

SPEAKER_00:

But I wrote down all the things that make me think of Christmas just because I thought it'd be a fun activity while I was a little bit high. Movies. I I don't know why I wrote roller, crossed it out, just wrote skating. Presents, music, football, things.

SPEAKER_03:

Why does wait a minute? Wait as why does roller skating make you think of Christmas? I was thinking of like an ice rink like outside, like the ice skating, not roller skating.

SPEAKER_00:

I know, and that's why I think I crossed it off. And then I started thinking about it, and I was like, dude, you know it'd be fucking dope, like in a weird, weird, like nostalgic kind of way. If you got high out of your fucking mind and had a like a Christmas party at like a skate rink, dude, like back in the day. I don't know why. That'd be fucking hilarious.

SPEAKER_03:

Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

Be a riot.

SPEAKER_03:

Yes.

SPEAKER_00:

If you had the right people together, it wouldn't even really matter. I'm taking all sorts of drugs that night, man. You know? Oh shit. I missed I mixed Dayquill with a little bit of birth control, and let me tell you, buddy, I am fucked up. Like that's like a dad way of doing it, right? Yeah. But kidding me, kidding me.

SPEAKER_03:

Did you go to a uh roller skating when you were a kid? Did they still have them?

SPEAKER_00:

That was a thing, dude. Yeah. First girl I dated, I met her at a roller rink. Okay. The my favorite call I've ever gotten in my life, still to this day. I got a call at my parents' house. I'm in fifth grade. She asked for me by name, tells me that we're broken up. I didn't know who she was, I didn't know her name, and I still to this day don't know who she is, dude. And that was the best day of my life, man. That's awesome. I didn't know we were dating.

SPEAKER_03:

It was it was well, obvious evidently if you didn't know her name.

SPEAKER_00:

So yeah, I guess if you're ever going through like a breakup or want to go through a breakup, like it's really cool if you don't know who it who it is. Like it's a lot easier. It gets sure.

SPEAKER_03:

It gets a lot easier for you. It's really easy when you don't know who they are and you know you and you didn't know you were dating.

SPEAKER_00:

And I was so like, I was so like in developmental stages that I was like, oh no, man, this sucks. But I was like, wait, I don't even know who it is. So I remember talking to my dad about it. I was like, who is that? It's like Amanda, like who's Amanda? Like, I don't know. What'd she have to say? Like, she's breaking up with me. It's like, do you know who it is? I was like, no. Okay, you know.

SPEAKER_01:

Wow.

SPEAKER_00:

But then I rounded out my list with cookies, lights, family, stranger things, and titties. That's what makes me think of Christmas, dude. Yeah. Do you guys have any Christmas traditions that you do?

SPEAKER_03:

Um I guess so. Since I met my wife. Um the first Christmas that we had together. I sat down and I wrote. Oh, I don't know. I know it was at least the first ten years, and then I think I think there's ten years, and then uh there's a a year thirty. So I wrote her letters for all ten years. Like I sat down and wrote a letter for each year.

SPEAKER_00:

How does she get them each year then?

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

How do you do that?

SPEAKER_03:

I I put 'em in an envelope and I put year one, year two, year three, all the way through year ten, and then I gave her one for year thirty. So that's that's her it's I mean, it's her president, but she opens one every is it a deck pic?

SPEAKER_00:

No, it's not Oh my god, and it's like longer, saggier, or like in a complete accurate description. No, I already wrote 'em.

SPEAKER_03:

I already wrote it.

SPEAKER_00:

What do they say? Like, what is it?

SPEAKER_03:

It's I honestly I have n I don't remember what all they say. Your tits are cool. I wrote her a whole like a whole two or three page letter for each year.

SPEAKER_00:

What's the point of it though? Like, are you trying to predict something or are you trying to No.

SPEAKER_03:

I just I just I wrote how I felt about her at the time and what I thought we I mean I guess it's kind of a prediction what I thought we might be doing in year five or year seven or dude.

SPEAKER_00:

What's year thirty? Like are you guys gonna go fuck some aliens up, dude? You know what I mean? Like when they finally come down here, dude? No. Alien orgy? Oh yeah. Suck my jag on. They probably have weird wieners and stuff, dude. They probably do. They're probably like on their side.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah, I'm not sure.

SPEAKER_00:

I don't know.

SPEAKER_03:

But yeah, so that's my wife's that's you know something she does every year. So she gets to do that.

SPEAKER_00:

She opens the And we get to go to football games, dude. Mm-hmm. Me and Brad are now proud Michigan football season ticket holders.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah. That's gonna be badass next year.

SPEAKER_00:

I'm so excited. Did you ever wear that hoodie, dude, that you got at the game?

SPEAKER_03:

Uh have not worn it yet, no.

SPEAKER_00:

I think it's badass. You got to. You do it to yourself, dude.

SPEAKER_01:

I do. But yeah, I haven't yet.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, I was at the Michigan Ohio State game, that was tough. Yeah. And I will say this. I will say this. I want Sharon more to get it together. And what I mean by that is this. When you look at a team and they play their rival, right? Rival someone that you're bitter against, rival somebody. It's it's way more than just the event. Like it's It's way more than a game. Yeah, it's been going on for a hundred years before you got there. It's gonna go on a hundred years after you leave. You better fucking be on the right side of history. Yep. Right? And the wrong side of history is scoring zero points in the second half, not having a game plan, having a running back that's hurt and not throwing the fucking ball. His quarterback had 60 63 yards throwing, man. Get it together. Michigan football, I love you so much. And fucking A, you guys are great, but god damn it, you you could be better than that.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

They tripled you up, dude. Ohio Bobcats played Ohio State this year. They're in the Mac. They play Western. Yep. They had the ball eight minutes longer than you. They threw for 60 more yards than you. They had less penalties for you than than you did. They had more third down conversions, more fourth down conversions, and a higher quarterback rating for the two quarterbacks that started against Ohio State at Ohio State.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

Get it together.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

I hope Bryce is the guy too, Bryce Sunderman. But I don't know. But that's not very Christmas, dude. You know, and we're happy now in Michigan basketball is running shit, so fuck it. Anywho. Um but yeah, dude.

SPEAKER_03:

I it's gonna be a good year next year.

SPEAKER_00:

Dude, Christmas is cool, man. Like, and even like if you just close your eyes and visualize what Christmas looks like, I see my wife in like a cool, like, red like lingerie set or something. Awesome. You know?

SPEAKER_03:

She's begging you for anal.

SPEAKER_00:

No, yeah, yeah. And and holding a plate of cookies, dude, and crunch wraps in the other. I don't know why. It's just my dream.

SPEAKER_03:

Cookies in one hand and crunch wraps in the other. Cookies and crunch wraps.

SPEAKER_00:

Talking about cookies and crunch wraps. Oh my god, dude. What are other uh yeah, like, dude, think about how the holidays have changed, like because of like COVID and stuff too. Like, as weird as that is, right? Those big gatherings were way more common. Like, I feel like 15 years ago. Like where you get together, I think I'd always get together with my first cousins and and like I don't think it's that way anymore.

SPEAKER_03:

I think everybody's pretty much over that shit.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, maybe my family just sucks. I haven't seen my extended family on a holiday in a while.

SPEAKER_03:

Oh, really? Yeah. Well, so this weekend we're going to be.

SPEAKER_00:

Not like my parents, but like my first cousin.

SPEAKER_03:

Right. Yeah, we're going to see my wife's like extended family. My extended family gets together. They have um actually I think it's might even be Christmas Day they're getting all together. I don't know if we're gonna make it to that one.

SPEAKER_00:

The worst the worst Christmas thing I've ever had happen to me ever. One year, dude, on Christmas Eve, I went to a girl I was dating in college uh in like her aunt's house. Her aunt and sister, raging fucking alcoholics, dude, did not know that.

SPEAKER_01:

Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

Brought like a 24-pack of Bud Light with me. Came out to the garage like an hour and a half later. There's like two cans left, and these fucking ladies are screaming at each other, dude. They beat the fuck out of each other in like fist fight, dude. And what am I gonna do? Whose side am I on? Am I on barbs or jans? I don't fucking know either of these chicks.

SPEAKER_01:

Right.

SPEAKER_00:

All these county cops came. Like, that's how my Christmas started, dude.

SPEAKER_03:

It's like you have a thing with supplying women with alcohol that get into fights. That's why I switched to weed.

SPEAKER_00:

No fights happen. No fights happen, baby. Right? You know what I mean? Yeah. You wake up with a clear mind. I learned a lot of lessons with alcohol. We're not cool. And that's alright. I'm just not I've never been a huge drinker.

SPEAKER_03:

I was never a huge drinker either. I mean, when I was drinking.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, that smoke though.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah, I'll partake every once in a while.

SPEAKER_00:

Do you ever do like the Christmas lights or the decorations or anything? You guys do something outside, don't you?

SPEAKER_03:

Uh we have in the years past. We didn't this year.

SPEAKER_00:

Seems like a lot of work.

SPEAKER_03:

We got our tree up and you know, decorations inside and things, but yeah, we really didn't do much out. I mean, I was down when I probably would have done it before it got so stupid cold. I went down to Tennessee to see my daughter.

SPEAKER_00:

So true. How's that? It was good. So why will you never listen to the Ray Carry on the same? Because you told me that, and you told me to tell me on the podcast. I've been waiting for this.

SPEAKER_03:

So I go down to see my daughter. Memphis? Memphis, yeah. So I had a it was Thanksgiving, so we had a Friendsgiving on that Friday. And it was a bunch of her friends. And I can't remember. I don't know how many of there were. There might have been ten friends there. But anyway, we all got together, had Friendsgiving. It's great. Everybody, you know, my daughter was uh hanging out with her friends, they were drinking and stuff, you know, just having a good time playing pool and playing games and shit. It was cool. And then Saturday, we're out and about, and we go we go bowling.

SPEAKER_00:

Hell yeah.

SPEAKER_03:

And uh had a had a good time doing that, and then we got done, and my daughter's like, Yeah, there's a show tonight. It's at this bar we usually go to. It's um burlesque drag show. No. I'm like, yeah, it's not really my scene.

SPEAKER_00:

Did your voice crackle? Mine would sound like this. Alcohol?

SPEAKER_03:

No, I was like, Yeah, you know, I said it's not my scene, but I mean, you only live once, so why not? I mean, it's my daughter, right? I mean, I only get to see her like once or twice a year, so I'm gonna go do I'm gonna go hang out with her and have a good time. And so we get to this bar, and it's um I can't remember the name of the bar. But it's it's in Memphis. Big bar? Uh it was not very big. It was a dive bar, newer. It was, I would say a dive bar-ish. It had it like the bar area wasn't very big, but then they had like this other room that had uh stage and places to sit and everything. And so we get there, pay the cover, go, they go get a couple of drinks, and I get water. And we're hanging out. We probably hang out for a half hour before the show starts, and then we go over to the other room, and we got standing room only. We because you the tickets were I think they were 20 bucks if you wanted to sit, and they were fifteen if you just stood. So I'm like, I'll just stand. That's what you know.

SPEAKER_00:

I'll stand in the back of the room. It's like, what's quicker for me to leave? Standing or sitting? Ask myself that.

SPEAKER_03:

Right. So so I'm standing in the back of the room. We're all standing in the back of the room. And this lady comes out, and she's like a male lady? No, it was a lady. Okay. It was a lady. She um she does a lot of these burlesque shows around Tennessee, and she's Nashville and all over. And she's talking about the show and talking about the rules and stuff, and not to touch the the performers and that kind of thing. And um she gets she gets done, and the first girl, and this is actually a girl, that comes out on stage, she does a burlesque uh like dance, and no, she had a pole. What is a burlesque dance, bud? So it's like it's like women that practically aren't they're not naked, but they might as well be, right? Like they have just pasties on their boobs, like to just cover their nipples, and so I mean they're they're not wearing much. Good stuff. But she comes out and she does this skit on this pole. It's almost I mean, it's like a stripper pole, but she's doing like more acrobatics and show.

SPEAKER_00:

How many strips does she need for down there, dude?

SPEAKER_03:

You know so um she'll so she does that, and then uh another lady comes out, and she's actually a lady. She comes out and does a show, and she she does more of a burlesque kind of show and everything. And then this guy comes out, and he it's an he's a dude, and he's supposed to be a guy, but he's like he's wearing like well, at first he's wearing a robe and stuff like that, but he at the end of his he starts to sing, and he's not a very good singer. How bad? Pretty bad. I mean he he could sing better than me. Like if okay. Anyway, but at the end of his performance, like he's pulled off his robe, he's pulled off his shirt and stuff. All he's wearing is a banana hammock and pasties. That's it. Oh god. So and he sings like a dirty, like uh 12 days of Christmas, dirty song. Like I can't even remember what the lyrics were, but you know, it was like dirty, nasty stuff that you would think of for Christmas, you know, for 12 days of Christmas. Who would do that? You and then uh so the next the next one that comes out it's a guy dressed like a girl dress, the whole get up, and I don't think that they sang like they were lips they were all lip syncing, all the guys. But the one that really got to me was it's Mariah Carey's like Christmas song, like the one you hear, uh like her famous yeah, whatever Christmas song. You have not experienced Mariah Carey the way that I have until a 350-pound black man in a dress and a wig comes out and lip syncs to that song and dances throughout the crowd. That's the that's what it was. All of 350 pounds.

SPEAKER_00:

How long was this set?

SPEAKER_03:

As long as the song is. I don't know how long Mariah Carrier is.

SPEAKER_00:

No, how long was this in the show?

SPEAKER_03:

Oh, it was a two-hour show.

SPEAKER_00:

What the fuck? Dude.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah. They so each performer came out at least twice. Some three times.

SPEAKER_00:

So let me flip it real quick, right? Your daughter's not involved. I'm just sitting here. I'm talking to you. I'm like, hey, drag cried Christmas down there at the bar. How much do I have to pay you to go to that?

SPEAKER_03:

You?

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03:

For us to go to a drag show? I'm not going.

SPEAKER_00:

$350.

SPEAKER_03:

Like you're paying me$350 to go to the show?

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03:

No.

SPEAKER_00:

Thousand.

SPEAKER_03:

I might go.

SPEAKER_00:

Okay. But$5,000 for two hours.

SPEAKER_03:

Oh yeah, I'd go for five grand.

SPEAKER_00:

That's my number.

SPEAKER_03:

So but at the end of the so it's like 11 30.

SPEAKER_00:

So put their in drag. Like, did he get fully naked?

SPEAKER_03:

No. Nobody got fully naked. Thank God, right? Yes. That would have even been even worse. If I'd have seen a man's asshole, I would have left.

SPEAKER_00:

Anyway. What if it just had a little pasty little smiley face, dude?

SPEAKER_03:

So it this this this show, it starts at 10 o'clock. It goes to midnight. And when it's about 11:30, 1145, and all of a sudden there's this guy that walks in the door, and it's a guy dressed like a woman in the like if you can imagine the sluttiest looking hooker that you could ever imagine. Okay? Picture that. And then put that get up and that outfit on a guy. That's who's who came and stood next to me on one side. And then there was another guy that was standing next to me on the right. They weren't talking to me or anything, but they were standing there. They were just watching the show. But you could tell the one, like I think, I think he was like that was his daily all the time. He just dressed like a woman. Which is fine. I don't care. But that that's I think that was his or her whatever. That was her thing. This guy and then dressed like a hooker. There was no question. I don't know if he was just trying to be like a male prostitute. I I don't know. He did he did ask me. He's like, he did say he's like, well, I guess I missed the show. I'm like, yeah, you should have been here at 10. It started at 10.

SPEAKER_00:

They walked in right at midnight?

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah, it was like 11:30, 1145. But that was it. But yeah. Where was your daughter during this? She was in front of me.

SPEAKER_00:

So you were by yourself?

SPEAKER_03:

I was standing in the back of the room, the very back against the wall. Like there was the the outside windows were behind me.

SPEAKER_00:

Staring at the staring at the exit like it's everything you've ever fucking wanted, dude. Yeah. The amount of desire in your eyes for the exit.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah. But no, I was, I mean, I had that's rough. I had fun watching them have fun. Like her and her friends. They're dancing, they're they're you know, they're having fun.

SPEAKER_00:

And have a twist. You know, like do trans boxing. You know, like do like cross-dress boxing. But here's the twist. Each of them before they go up, six shots of Jack, two bong rips, then they go. Are you kidding me? I'd pay top dollar for that ship. Wouldn't you? Oh, probably uh. That's excellent, dude. I mean, it's alcohol poisoning, but that's what's gonna make the fight so good.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah. I mean, if you paid me five grand, I'd go to that.

unknown:

Dude.

SPEAKER_00:

How much worse would it have been, though, if he was trying to sing Mariah Carey all, dude, like, but trying to get it?

SPEAKER_03:

If he was actually trying to sing, no. No. Oh my god. There was one. So there was one guy. Dude. That was dressed. I mean, he was like, How many people were there? There was quite a few. There was probably 50 people in the in the other room where the sage was and everything. There's probably 50 people. If I had to take a guess. There were still people over in the bar area.

SPEAKER_00:

That's even worse, dude. Think about this. If there's only 50 people there, it's a thousand bucks? Right? What do you mean? They didn't make shit to dress like that and dance to fuck a barrier, carry 350 pounds, dude. That dude made like nine bucks in a free drink. If there's only fifty people there, right? Twenty bucks a pot?

SPEAKER_03:

Well, I yeah. I mean, it wasn't a it wasn't a big place. It wasn't a big bar to be done. Yeah, that's crazy. But they had they they made like people were throwing out dollar bills too.

SPEAKER_00:

How weird would that be though, dude? If I paid you five grand to go there, you'd be making the most of anybody in that building.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

That night. I make more than you, dude.

SPEAKER_03:

I mean, I'm sure that they get paid. I don't I don't know how much they got paid.

SPEAKER_00:

We pay them with food.

SPEAKER_03:

They're cracking. I mean, they got drinks too. You know, they make money on the drinks, so. I don't know. There might have been more than 50. Hell, I didn't count people. I didn't care, like, hey, how many people are here?

SPEAKER_00:

I didn't count. 49. I did the math. I did the math of the door. I've been staring at the exit. I know exactly who I have to outrun. Trying to think of like terrible things that have happened at Christmas. One of my favorite, like from back in the day. Uh so when we used to go see my family all the time, Uncle my Uncle Fred's family's fucking great. And you've talked to him. But his daughters were going on and on about bootcut jeans. I was like 13, some, probably. Oh my god, bootcut jeans, bootcut jeans. Oh my god, yeah, did you see that old name he has them and blah blah blah blah blah. I looked at my brother, I was like, if those are hey Adam, are those bootcut jeans? And then he asked the girl, I was like, Are these bootcut jeans? Like, I don't think so. I was like, Adam, if those are bootcut jeans, you can get the fuck off this couch, dude. And my mom heard me plain as day, dude. I was like not old enough to use the F-word. Oh yeah. Yeah. I was not good. You know. Me and my brother were just ridiculous growing up, dude.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

Always getting in trouble. We used to uh we used to go cut Christmas trees down like a little pick your own. Which is funny because it's expensive as shit. It's like 75 bucks when you do it that way.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah. Isn't that usually cheaper to cut your own?

SPEAKER_00:

No, I'm saying like you know where the ripper stand is in town? Like how they're not open right now since Christmas trees. But there's still the fresh ones and the you know, whatever. Like those are like probably you're looking at like fifty bucks? If you go cut your own about it's a hundred. It's so stupid to me. It's more work, right? No, it's stupid. But me and my brother, dude, we used to so you go in the middle of a field in the middle of nowhere, like you go, you know, you have a little hacksaw, you do your thing. Every year we'd go like this, dude. We're trying to find it, my dad's trying to find the perfect one, like it's a fucking parking spot, you know. Like, what about this? You know, my mom's like, I don't care. You know, it's like, okay, we'll keep going. She doesn't like it, you know? We'll keep going. Me and Adam get bored. We start hurling fucking snow at each other. One of us gets hit in the mouth or something, someone's bleeding. Yep. And then it's like, you guys settle the fucking. So we stop that. But dude, we had so much fun. But I just I remember one year I hit Adam so hard in the neck, dude, and he turned around. He got me with like an ice ball in the fucking face, dude. And I remember just like like my my my lips were puffy, but they were cold. Oh man, we'll never do that again. Now we do Walmart special bitch. Like, dude, it's 30 bucks hanging up, lights already on it. Fuck it, dude.

SPEAKER_03:

Yep. It's been a long time since I've had a real tree.

SPEAKER_00:

Think about that though, dude. Like back in the back in my day. Back in my back in my day, you had you know 100 to 200 different options for toys. Now you have a hundred million options for toys. That's so weird.

SPEAKER_03:

It is. You know what? But tell me this. Where do kids go? The North Pole. Where do kids go to look at toys now? Amazon. Play on that, Toys R Us, dude. That was the shit. I know. Toys are you go in there, you have a ball.

SPEAKER_00:

You're just in there poaching, though. You're not gonna buy it. It's too much. But you can play with it and see what you like and then buy it online. That's what I used to do when I was a kid.

SPEAKER_03:

Well, that's why that Toys R Us is no longer you fuck.

SPEAKER_00:

I know, Jeffrey. Dude, the mascots of these places are always stupid. Like Jeffrey the giraffe. Fucking Chuck E. Cheese went with a rat that dances? Who wants to watch a dancing rat? Like, dude, what the fuck? Am I the only one that's like, yo, it's a fucking rat that's hot.

SPEAKER_03:

What would you have? What would you have for a pizza joint? It was Chuck E. Cheese. Rats eat cheese, or was it a mouse?

SPEAKER_00:

Either way, it's pretty fucked up.

SPEAKER_03:

Well, I mean, what would you have? What would you have rather for Chuck E.

SPEAKER_00:

Cheese? Yeah. Oh man.

SPEAKER_03:

What kind of a mascot would you have for a pizza joint that was called Chuck E. Cheese?

SPEAKER_00:

If it wasn't Chucky the Bear, dude.

SPEAKER_03:

Chucky the Bear.

SPEAKER_00:

Hey guess it's Chucky the Bear. You know? You can talk and you can stare, but don't laugh at Chucky the Bear. You know? All right, everybody. Pizza. Um, I don't know. I'm I'm wrecking my brain for an animal that starts with a fucking P. But it doesn't make sense because like the like the P of the Pizza, you know. The platypus. Platypussies. Dude Arm. Platypus. Our multiple platypus. Or multiple. If you get a bunch of multiple plates. If you get if you get plat if you get a okay, if you get um a couple platopuss things in the same room, you know, everyone's like, it's plenty of pie. It's like, no, it's platypussies. It's the one time. It's like octopus, you know. They're like, no, it's octopi. It's like, no. Octopi is what's going on in the bathroom when it's red.

SPEAKER_03:

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_00:

Oh my god. Hi, kids. That's Platypus the pizza. Oh my god. But Pilatopie.

SPEAKER_03:

Platypussies.

SPEAKER_00:

Play, girl. Show me the Platypus. Yeah, girl. Oh shit. Yeah, what would the mascot be? I don't know. Something more friendly, like a basketball hoop that talks? I don't know.

SPEAKER_03:

Oh my god. Oh, I think we've uh I think it's top five time.

SPEAKER_00:

Holy shit, I think you're right. I think it's a good one. Well, actually, I was gonna kind of segue into that and we're fine because we we do have a little bit of time. Tell me about one of the worst gifts you've ever gotten yourself. Like, not yourself, like, but like someone got for you that was like, are you fucking kidding me?

SPEAKER_03:

Um that's a tough one. I honestly I don't think that I've ever gotten like an awful gift. I mean they've they've always been I had a thoughtful and I mean when I you know when I was a kid I got socks and underwear, right? And I didn't like them then, dude. If I got socks and underwear for Christmas now, it'd be fucking fucking ecstatic. Yeah, it's great. Like sweet, I don't have to go buy this shit. Keep it coming.

SPEAKER_00:

Jelly of the month club down.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah, I mean, I guess that was probably when I was a kid.

SPEAKER_00:

That was I had this this girlfriend I shopped for, like, I did so much for her, so much for her kid. We get to Christmas Day, dude, and there's like three boxes for me from her, and I'm like, okay. Dude, three pictures in picture frames. That's it. What were they pictures of? I guess doing something. I don't know, but like it was just like I dropped like 250 bucks on her and her kid, dude, and it's like fine. I'm sure. Well, there you go. That did make sense. But dude, my favorite that keeps on giving, yeah. My favorite gifts are always from the kids and stuff, it's always great. I don't know. Think about what like our moms and stuff got from the dads always, like weird sweaters and shit.

SPEAKER_03:

When my my mom. My dad never would wrap a gift in wrapping paper. He always wrapped it in newspaper. Oh god. Or something along those lines. Just because it was free? No, you know, I think it's probably stems from when he was a kid. Because I mean Yeah, true.

SPEAKER_00:

Maybe it's he grew up. Maybe it's his tradition. You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_03:

Right. I mean, he grew up in a household that was six brothers and sisters. It was a single mom. They I mean, they were Great Depression-ish era. They didn't have much. They were they're a poor family, so that was what they wrapped their gifts in, I'm sure. If they had gifts. So I think it probably stems from that, but yeah, it was always it was always my dad's he never wrapped it in wrapping paper. It was always newspaper or something along those lines.

SPEAKER_00:

I love how I don't know. I just love how the holidays brings everybody together, and it's like a forced best behavior, you know? Like everybody's on there, like, yeah, I'm gonna let that shit go. Yeah, you backed into my fence, it's totally fine. What's up, dude? Happy hey, Merry Christmas! Like you can't there's so many things you can't bring up on Christmas, it's great. Yeah, you know, you don't bring up beats, you don't bring up like it's just like I don't know, it's kind of cool. And New Year's is all about football. It's like fucking ARI, dude.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

Hopefully this time next year we're talking Christmas. Michigan will be in the fucking playoffs. Hopefully. Get this. If they do get in the playoffs, that means they'll have a home game. Guess who has first dibs on those tickets? Me and you. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. Wait, like, and they're the normal uh they'll probably be inflated a little bit, but nothing too crazy. How about a playoff ticket? If a normal ticket is like 150. How about it's 250?

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

I don't know. That'd be cool though. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. But yeah, dude, Stranger Things comes out on Christmas. Yeah. It also comes out on New Year. Yep. I think it's four episodes on Christmas, one on New Year's. Oh, okay. I think the final.

SPEAKER_03:

How many seasons do are there is there gonna be, do you know? This is the last. Oh, is it? That's what sucks.

SPEAKER_00:

Oh this is the last. That sucks.

SPEAKER_03:

That does suck. All right. What you got?

SPEAKER_00:

You want me to go first?

SPEAKER_03:

I want you to go first. Dude, these are bad. That's okay. Okay. That's fine. Mine, I can I guarantee you, okay? We're gonna place a bet. I bet I have one that's darker than yours. Okay. I like it. Mine are pretty funny. Unless it's the same, but I doubt it.

SPEAKER_00:

Okay. So, everybody, this is the top five worst gifts to give your in-laws for Christmas. Or parents. We want to make it clear that you shouldn't give these gifts.

SPEAKER_03:

Don't trust you. You should not give these gifts to your parents. Or I mean honestly, you shouldn't give them to anybody.

SPEAKER_00:

No.

SPEAKER_03:

At all.

SPEAKER_00:

No, it's like herpes. It's a gift that keeps on giving. Yeah. Like the Jelly of the Month Club. Alright. Number one. My top five worst gifts to get your in-laws. All minor for your in-laws. Starting off with a bang. Jesus. Okay. A huge box from Lover's Lane. Every toy and gift is personalized with your mother and father-in-law's name and yours right under it, dude. Dildo, anal beads, lube, uh, lingerie, you name it, dude. Their names and my name all on the same thing, dude. Like Mr. Blank, Mrs. Blank, and Eric underneath. Like it's like we're all Eric. Like we're all together a unit, dude. No explanation. No joke. Just silence, dude. Wow. Can you imagine?

SPEAKER_03:

That's bad. Okay. So, uh, box. Oh. Toys, personalized. I'm just writing this down. So I know never to get that gift.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. Okay. A digital frame filled with only pictures of me doing weird shit and going about my day, like me taking a shit, me starting my car, me uh showering, me making breakfast, me eating breakfast, me, like, dude, just like me at a mountain, me at the mall. Like, dude, a hundred pictures, fill a digital photo frame, and and have it playing when they open. So they know.

SPEAKER_03:

You know, you could have gone one step worse and could have got like a hundred dick pics.

SPEAKER_00:

I was gonna go there, but I didn't think I should go there.

SPEAKER_03:

Oh, you definitely should have.

SPEAKER_00:

I will next time. Okay.

SPEAKER_03:

Like posing, like the Captain Morgan pose and taking a shit and like touching yourself or something like that.

SPEAKER_00:

Uh yeah, I was thinking about like you're smashing the daughter in every photo. Like every but like the thumbs up, dude. The thumbs up back at it, dude. It was like every single one.

SPEAKER_02:

There you go.

SPEAKER_00:

Oh shit. Oh my god, dude. Okay, okay.

SPEAKER_03:

Number three.

SPEAKER_00:

Um, wasn't that number three a digital frame filled with only pictures of it? Oh, it's two. Okay, that's two. Yeah, cool, cool, cook.

SPEAKER_03:

We have to we have to preface this. So Eric forgets how to count.

SPEAKER_00:

Dude, for some reason I went with a lot of photos on this, okay? And I don't know why. Alright. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Number three. Number three. Keeping my theme of my awful gift I told you about. It's three frames in one package. And it's family photos of all of us, and the mom is crapped out, and there's just a smiley face where she was, dude. But she knows she was there. Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_03:

Like just proving that you don't like your mother in law. She just took the photo of Bennett back where she was.

SPEAKER_00:

No, she's there, her body just a fucking like mean smiling on her face, dude, and you don't explain it.

SPEAKER_02:

Alright, alright.

SPEAKER_00:

Uh alright. I got four and five, right? Five is fucking dark, buddy. Buckle up, dude. Okay. Okay, this one I thought was ironic. Dude, I thought of all these myself, dude, and I wasn't high yet. I can't even imagine what I would have came up with now.

SPEAKER_01:

Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

Okay. Another photo one. I'm sorry. A fra number four. A framed photo of you in the father-in-law's favorite shirt in his chair, drinking out of his favorite cup, holding the remote, and the card would say, I win, motherfucker. Like in the chair he's sitting in right now. Oh yeah. Can you imagine that? Like, that's what I gave him. I gave him a picture of me in his shirt using his glass, holding the remote, and all it says is I win, motherfucker. Okay, this one's dark. This one might get us canceled, dude.

SPEAKER_03:

Oh, if yours doesn't, mine will.

SPEAKER_00:

The box would say We we just want what's best. Inside, so they open their packages for mother and father-in-law. There's a pistol and two bullets. You pick the gun up, and under the gun, a handwritten note that says murder suicide with a quick. Oh my god.

SPEAKER_01:

Wow.

SPEAKER_00:

We just want what's best.

SPEAKER_03:

That is pretty dark, but I don't think it's as dark as mine. That's pretty good though. That that yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, you're not leaving there.

SPEAKER_03:

No, I don't think you're invited back. I don't think you're uh I don't think you're married anymore.

SPEAKER_00:

You know what was so hard for me with this? My mother and father-in-law are two of my favorite people. Yeah. Mine too. So it's hard for me to even think about it.

SPEAKER_03:

I had to I had to take myself out of the family I'm in and put myself in a family that's really messed up. Like imagine pistol and two bullets. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, something murder suicide, but I'd I'd deck the halls with it. I'd throw an I'd throw a Santa hat on that note.

SPEAKER_02:

There's a Santa hat.

SPEAKER_00:

You asked us to kill yourself. Did you guys ignore the Santa hat? It's right there. And that's a perfectly good gun. I don't understand what you're so mad about. If you're not gonna kill yourself, it's just a joke. Oh my god. Wow. I got a couple of ones that I didn't use that I'll talk about when you're done. Okay. Okay.

SPEAKER_03:

Alright. Oh man. Okay, so. My number one.

SPEAKER_00:

Oh god.

SPEAKER_03:

Starting at this the dark? This is not. I'm gonna save the dark one for last.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, Compton.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah. My number one. An urn. And the card would say, the only thing missing is you.

SPEAKER_00:

Oh my god. Or what if it said the only thing missing is both of you?

SPEAKER_03:

Well, it's I was thinking it like you're giving it to your mother-in-law or your father-in-law, or your I mean, I guess it could be your parents.

SPEAKER_00:

I've always wanted to fuck a widow.

SPEAKER_03:

Oh.

SPEAKER_01:

Wow. Wow.

SPEAKER_03:

Right.

unknown:

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_03:

That's bad. Okay. Only thing missing is you. In the card would say.

SPEAKER_01:

And the card would say.

SPEAKER_03:

Okay, number two. This is the this would be a present that I would give to uh a mother-in-law. Or I guess it could be for a mother. A book. How to give the best blowjob. And the card would say. I thought you could use some marriage advice.

SPEAKER_00:

Oh my god. Dude. So wait, were you giving that to your wife or the mother-in-law? The mother-in-law. Oh. What if the sex book was called Spit the Dentures Out?

SPEAKER_03:

That's in the book, man. It's in the book. It's in there.

SPEAKER_00:

It's a two-step process. Spit the dentures, swallow.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03:

Well, yeah. Mary James.

SPEAKER_00:

No.

SPEAKER_03:

No. Okay.

SPEAKER_00:

Pit the dentures out.

SPEAKER_03:

Number three. Okay. A gym membership.

SPEAKER_00:

Oh god.

SPEAKER_03:

I said, thought you could use this.

SPEAKER_00:

Just to both of them, dude. Yep. Planet Fitness, dude. But you they didn't even get the premium membership, dude. That's what made me the most mad. You're gonna give me the$10 membership like I'm a fucking bomb. Dude, imagine how many people, like I wonder what percentage of gym memberships that are given on the holiday get used.

SPEAKER_03:

Oh but it's low. I bet, oh yeah. Well, I bet that so the first three to four weeks after like New Year's, like you could go to a gym and it's busy as shit. Like everybody's there. People are waiting in line to get to this or that and the other thing. After about a month, it all drops off.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, my birthday about two, three.

SPEAKER_03:

Like, you know, February third and Yep, everybody's done like over it. Yep. I make the New Year's resolution and then Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

It never comes true. I that's why I started picking things I don't already do. That way I always succeed. Like I gave up I gave up Diet Coke, I gave up York peppermint patties, gave up almond joys. Yeah. Quinoa gave up every year, you know. And I'm doing good. I've been off the wah for a little bit now.

SPEAKER_03:

All right. Number four. Okay. Season tickets to Ohio State.

SPEAKER_00:

Fuck, dude. I don't know if I can, dude, I can't hear number five. That's darker than mine. You are victorious, dude. Oh my god.

SPEAKER_03:

And the card would say. I thought your experience, or I thought you should experience the same level of disappo of disappointment as I do living with your child.

unknown:

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_00:

Every time you go to those games, you remember me. Oh my god, dude. That's already darker than mine. Yeah because, dude, no one does that. Like, dude, that's Yeah.

SPEAKER_03:

That's bad.

SPEAKER_00:

That's bringing an alcoholic to a bar. Like, that's.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

Imagine how low their IQ is when they walk out of there. No man. Yeah. Oh. Oh. Dude. Okay. Dude, I don't know if we can continue after that. That was so It was bad.

SPEAKER_03:

This one. I'm telling you. Okay, this one is dark. And I'm I'm for all of our people that listen, I wouldn't say they're fans because they just listen. They're just hanging out. They're hanging out. This was the first thing that popped into my head when we said, hey, let's have a top five of the worst gifts to give your in-laws or your parents. Okay. This is the first thing that popped into my head.

unknown:

Oh God.

SPEAKER_03:

And that's I it's it's surprisingly it shocked me. It was like.

SPEAKER_00:

Okay. I believe we've had some dark topics here. Okay, is this darker than the gun and two bullets? I would say yes. Is it darker than the Ohio State tickets?

SPEAKER_03:

I would say yes. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

What if you put those two together? What if you had a gun?

SPEAKER_03:

Okay, let me just tickets. Let me just say. So you and this could be for either in-laws' parents. Either way. Okay. If this doesn't get us canceled, I don't know what well. You bring in a box.

unknown:

Okay.

SPEAKER_03:

You set the box. It's wrapped. Okay. Unwrap it. Pull it out. It's a jar. They're looking at it. It's weird. It's strange looking.

SPEAKER_00:

It's oh my god. No.

SPEAKER_03:

And the card would say the most well-behaved creature you could ask for. Oh my god, dude.

SPEAKER_00:

Told you it was dark. That's dark. That's dark. That's the first thing they popped into my head, dude. I'd rather have that than the fucking tickets of them, dude.

SPEAKER_01:

That's bad.

SPEAKER_00:

Oh my god. That's bad. That was dark, dude. I told you. I told you. I heard you always wanted grandkids.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03:

Okay. Can you I mean, I mean, we were we were going for the worst gift, okay? I'm just throwing it out there.

SPEAKER_00:

But can you how did your brain go?

SPEAKER_03:

I don't know, man. I don't know. It goes to some dark places. That's dark. That's dark. Deep dark. Like I it frightened me to some degree. Like that I thought of that.

SPEAKER_00:

Like that was I can I can lighten the mood. I have some that didn't make it. Okay. Open the box. It's a photo album labeled Honeymoon XXX. It's all the dirty pictures from the honeymoon. Once again, me doing the thumbs up, dude. Roadhead, but from my perspective, thumbs up. Swallowing something. Thumbs up, dude. Her riding me, her tied up, you know, weird feet stuff. Like just like a hundred pictures of her feet. Look, okay, I know you guys are nosy. Now you know everything and can sleep at night. Merry Christmas. Wow. It's dark. Our first family heirloom from my family to yours. Edible underwear for his and hers. Hers would be coleslaw flavors. His will be windmill cookie flavor, dude. Old people love windmill cookies, dude. Do you remember those? Windmill cookie flavors. Do you remember those? Oh yeah. Yep. A box labeled Schwabs, X-rated Fun, just a huge box of porn, all genres, anal foot, orgy, uh, you both like sex. Oh, and the card would say, you both look like sex was a long time ago. Have a great night. Um, I did do that. A coffee mug that says, You are the reason therapy still exists. A DNA test kit for everyone in the family. Know where your daughter came from you. Let's solve this tonight. A kitchen towel embroidered. Thank you for ruining Thanksgiving in 2009. Uh a wall sign for them that says a happy marriage equals lowering your standards. Oh, I think that's an envelope. If we plan to look after you when you're old and shit yourself, please sign this. And when they open it, it's their will, but everything goes to you. Wow. Oh man. Those were good. Those were good. Dude, it'd be I think like the best gifts, too. Like the reason some of these top fives are hard to think of is because like the best things are moments where the person giving the gift thinks that the other person likes it, but you catch it that they don't. Like that's the foot, like, dude, the foot. Like I taught my niece the other day, right? And not the other day, like last Christmas, told her how to swipe any present, dude. She's like, What do you mean? I was like, think about it, right? When you're opening presents, there's always like what nine, ten people around. She's like, Yeah. It's like, okay, if the person giving the gift isn't paying attention, here's what you hit the person opening it with. Because they remember that time and that moment where you talked to them. I was like, Do you like that? Like, as they're opening it, do you like that? Like, yeah, I love it. They also had it in blue. No, I'm gonna keep it. You want to keep it? Okay, okay. And then after that, for some reason, they're gonna think that you gave them the gift, dude, because they're not even gonna fucking remember that shit. So, like, I taught her, like, I taught her, like, I opened a gift, I was like, Alyssa, do it to me. Like, I opened it up, it's like a coffee mug. Like, do you like that? Like, I love it. They also had it in South Park, like, no, no, no, I love it in Family Guy. Thank you so much. She's like, Alright, thank you so much. Like, I taught her how to snag any gift. You know? You throw 15 in the room, dude, that'll work every time. Yeah. Dude, sweet hoodie, man. Do you like that? Yeah, I love it. They also had it in you know, mahogany. Mahogany. They also had it in fresh oak flavor.

SPEAKER_03:

Mahogany.

SPEAKER_00:

But you can you can swipe any gift that way, dude, because when you think about it, you don't remember the card that you read. You remember the interaction of someone talking to you.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

If I hadn't told you that, you know, I had mind fucked that whole situation, you'd probably be like, dude, you give me a hoodie, you know? Can't be mad at him, he gave me a hoodie. You know? Oh man. That was dark, dude. That was the darkest I think I've ever heard you go.

SPEAKER_03:

It was.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03:

It was bad.

SPEAKER_00:

Yes.

SPEAKER_03:

Honestly, it did. It it like how why did that come out of my head? I don't know. It it worried me. I mean, it still does, but it worries me. Like, why?

SPEAKER_00:

But Yeah, my thoughts used to keep me up at night, but I just started realizing that like it's alright, guy. You know?

SPEAKER_03:

Oh yeah. I mean, I I didn't lose sleep over it, but that's dark.

SPEAKER_00:

It would have been cool. Never mind. There's nothing cool about it. But there's there's I was thinking like a m steak and shake cup or like a never mind, I don't know. Oh man. Well what else could you piss your p like you know? I don't know. There's all sorts of shit that you could do to piss them off. Oh yeah. My uh my in-laws are cool though. Mine are too. Me would be like if I made like a home video of me like smashing every friend's DVD that's ever existed. Like if I could make my mother-in-law like think that I had grabbed hers, she'd kill me. You know.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah. You could you could give them a sex tape of them.

unknown:

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_00:

I was watching from afar, dude.

SPEAKER_03:

I put a oh my god. I put a uh I put a hidden camera in your bedroom. Enjoy the show.

SPEAKER_00:

Dude. Or the new screensaver on my phone, and they open it up and it's a porno of thumb. Hashtag goals. Oh shit. Oh man. Well, we hope you have a Merry Christmas. Oh yeah. The weird thing is we'll probably like we'll probably record another one between now and Christmas. No, probably not. Maybe. Probably a New Year's or something.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

We'll have to uh Dude, we should do top five New Year's resolutions. We did that last year. Oh yeah, we gotta we gotta freshen it up. We'll come up with something. Last year was a big year. Like I figured out the whole lid thing on the big old. So that's like your whole year. Oh dude, I figured it out. You nailed it. Yeah, you removed the lid.

SPEAKER_03:

Alright. Well, I appreciate everybody hanging out. Hopefully you've enjoyed the show, and hopefully you have maybe, you know. I'm sure that uh everybody else has some really bad gifts that they've gotten throughout the years or they've given to people. Um let us know. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

Or don't. That's fucking fun. That's both are fine. Yeah. You know? Both are fun. Yeah. Yeah. Whether you're in New New York City or Michigan or Asia, like we're all cool. Yeah. You know, we're all cool.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah. But uh yeah, everybody, have a Merry Christmas. Fall.

SPEAKER_00:

Merry Christmas in 2025. We are it's gonna be 22-6. 22-6. 22-6, dude. That's how we have to say it every time, dude. What years is it's 22-6, dude?

SPEAKER_03:

All right. All right, everybody. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Have a uh wonderful rest of 2025 and a great start to 2026. Peace out.

SPEAKER_00:

Bye-bye.

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Brad

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Eric

Host