The Napkin In Between
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The Napkin In Between
Racism, Relationships, and Recognizing Your Worth: What Would Daijné Do
What do you do when a lifelong friendship is compromised by racism? In this raw and candid episode, I dive deep into the difficult terrain of friendship boundaries, specifically when it comes to race and respect.
The heart of this episode centers on a listener submission through my "What Would Daijné Do" segment. A young Black woman writes about her 13-year friendship with someone who consistently demonstrates problematic behavior: maintaining relationships with Trump supporters, defending racist comments, and using her as a token "Black friend" to prove she isn't racist herself.
This situation raises profound questions about friendship, loyalty, and self-respect. How many chances should we give people who don't see our full humanity? Is it our responsibility to educate friends on racism, or should they be doing that work themselves? When does the length of a friendship stop outweighing its quality?
I offer my unfiltered perspective: while friend breakups can be more painful than romantic ones, opening that door means creating space for relationships that truly honor who you are. Quality over quantity applies to friendships too – someone who allows racism to slide likely doesn't value you completely.
This conversation extends beyond this specific scenario to touch on universal questions about what we deserve from our closest relationships. Sometimes the hardest but most necessary thing is recognizing when someone's actions no longer align with their words of love and friendship.
Have your own situation you'd like advice on? Email thenapkininbetweenpodcast@gmail.com with your WWDD request!
Is this thing on? Hello, hello, uh-oh, another yapper with a mic. Hello everyone, and welcome back to the Napkin In Between podcast. I am your host, Daijné Jones. I hope everyone's been having a good day, except for that orange drink lady, of course.
Daijné:Personally, I feel like today should be considered a national holiday because it's Beyonce's birthday and I feel like none of us should have to go to work, except for the people who are like I'm not a fan of Beyonce, but like girl me when I want to be different and racist, so bad. It's okay to admit that Beyonce is iconic and amazing and the go and spectacular and fabulous and literally every fucking thing ever imaginable in one person. Like it's okay to admit that. But people will be like I just don't think she's that talented, I don't get the hype. Oh my god, you want to be different. So bad, and also a little bit racist. But like it's fine, whatever, I guess. Do your thing. Go to work then and let everyone else have off for the day. But for the normal people like myself and you all who understand the greatness that Beyonce is, I just am like so happy to be alive at the same time as Beyonce. Like what a privilege. You know what I mean. Like God said, let's have her alive at the same time as Beyonce so that she can witness the greatness that is Beyonce. Like I, I'm just so grateful for her talent and like she really is just so iconic and I just am just like damn to witness this greatness.
Daijné:It's just like crazy to me, like not to be like one of those crazy bitches like us I'm I would never say like I'm a stan of anybody, because I feel like to be a stan of someone. You have to know like crazy information. Like, yes, I know her birthday, but I don't know, like where she was born, what hospital, what time, what time, what room number, her blood type. Like y'all be dragging it. Y'all be dragging it Like stan culture is really weird to me. Y'all be like, oh yeah, I'm a fan of this person. They'll be like, oh really, what's their blood type? What was their kindergarten teacher's name? I'm like yo, I said I was a fan, not a stalker. Like goddamn, it's like they be in a secret competition. Like how, like I literally had someone one time I made a video about Beyonce and how, like people try to compare her to Taylor Swift and they're just like incomparable because they're not even on the same level, and a Swifty was in my comments like I'm gonna DM you.
Daijné:Let's have a trivia off, let's see who knows more about who. Do I know more about Taylor? Do you know more about Beyonce? I bet you I know more about Taylor Flag on the play, because what the fuck? That's crazy.
Daijné:Like I'm sure you do, because, unlike you, like I, have other things to do than know every single fact about someone, that whose music I enjoy, like I. Like I have other things to do than know every single fact about someone, that whose music I enjoy. Like I just enjoy their music and I think that they're great. But I'm not like weird and obsessive. My bad, sorry sorry for being normal, sorry, sorry. Like what the fuck? Like some of y'all are wackadoodles. Let's calm down a little bit. I don't know, I don't know. Anyway, I would never say that I'm like a stan of anyone, but I just like really admire Beyonce and her hard work, her dedication and I don't know. I just am grateful to experience her music. I feel like like she, I would say, is like the artist of my lifetime and the one that I really grew up with. But I also like have that little overlap of like her and Michael Jackson.
Daijné:You know, because I can remember. I can vividly remember like hearing that Michael Jackson had passed away. I was at home with my grandma and I was raised by my grandma. So if anybody knows anything about grandmas, like all they watch are judge shows and the news, and that's like that's the type of grandma that I had. Like in the mornings we would watch all the judge shows and then at night it was news and then right before the bed she would throw on um walker, texas ranger, for a little razzle dazzle. But I remember we were watching the evening news and it was like breaking news. Michael Jackson, you know, passed away or whatever. And I was like my jaw, like I was shocked and I didn't believe it at first, and my grandma didn't either. She's like this isn't real. And she's like calling all of her friends, like did you guys see the news? Did you hear, is it true? And that at that time, like I didn't have a phone, so like we couldn't like google or anything like that, it was literally just the news. So she's calling around, we're trying to figure out if it's real or not and then, like, we figure out that it's true, and I just remember being like damn, like that's crazy.
Daijné:Like I feel like that was one of my first like major heartbreaks is like finding out that michael jackson had passed away. I've talked about this before. My grandma was extremely christian and you know we weren't allowed to listen to secular worldly music or anything like that. But like some of the artists that like she just like couldn't keep us away from, is like beyonce, michael jackson, like the big names you know what I mean. So I can remember like hearing michael jackson and jackson five, like that was the first celebrity death that I feel like really hit me or like even that I remember I was like 13 or 14 when he passed away and then, a little bit after, you know, he had passed away, they released that we game. So anybody know what I'm talking about the michael jackson experience, the we game where you could dance to his songs. Oh my god, that was my shit. Oh, that was so my god.
Daijné:Core memory unlocked. I just remembered that was like the one thing. Like when my cousins would come over to my grandma's house, first thing we would do is play the michael jackson experience game. Like I. I genuinely think that if, like I had to. Like if somebody had a gun to my head and was like, do all these dances or I'm gonna pull the trigger, I think I could save my own life, like I could remember them to this day. I haven't played that in probably 10 plus years at this point, but I swear I could. I could pull those like it would be muscle memory. I would immediately be able to do those dances. But it's just so cool, I think, to experience such greatness and such talent from people like Michael Jackson and Beyonce, like uh, just so grateful for, for talented people and their music and their hard work and just everything. So, yeah, I feel like that's been the peak of my week is just being like damn, like I I get to experience Beyonce, beyonce, like to this day, cowboy Carter, I I I'm not really one to go back and watch concert videos, like at concerts, like I'm I'm videotaping, of course, videotaping.
Daijné:How old am I? I'm recording, you know, clips or whatever like of songs and everything, but I never really go back and watch them. They just kind of sit in my phone. I have gone back and re-watched the things that I recorded from the Cowboy Carter tour. Don't ask me how many times? How many times have I watched it? Yes, like I, literally I'm just like oh, I just can't believe that.
Daijné:Like I remember, when the concert started, talia, my roommate, looked at me and she goes, we're breathing the same air as Beyonce right now and I was just like like, oh my God, it was just a crazy time and it was so fun and I hope she goes on tour for Act 3. She better go on tour, ain't no hope. Girl, get on the road, get on your horse and gallop across everything. Get on the road, get on your horse and gallop across everything. And I will be overseas for act three because the way she be cutting up in Paris, oh yes, I will be in Paris for act three. What's that song? Y'all know what I'm talking about. In Paris, me, they was talking about me for act three because I will be in Paris.
Daijné:Anyway, at the time that this video comes out, like I'm filming this on beyonce's birthday, but it'll come out a couple days after, but happy birthday to the icon that is beyonce. And shout out tina knowles for the birth of beyonce. Like girl, you did your biggest one, your biggest one, and I'm where. Trust the world, especially the people who are like I'm not a beyonce fan, but we're all very, very grateful for huge fan of your work. Huge fan of your work. Please tell me the peak of your week, something that made you smile, kept you grounded, kept you sane in the chaos of the world.
Daijné:Segueing into what we're gonna talk about today, I received a wwdd request. If you're unfamiliar with what that is, I said in one of the earlier episodes that I wanted to do this thing called WWDD, which stands for what would Dejane do. This is where you guys send me your stories, your situations, anything that you need advice on, and I tell you what I would do in that situation. I received one earlier today and I wanted to read through it and give my advice on what I would do. The sender has asked to be anonymous so, for the sake of this story, I'm going to name her Savannah. I don't know, just came off the top of my head. Okay, so she writes hey, dejanay, my name is Savannah and I would like to keep my name private, if that's okay. Got you Savannah, no worries.
Daijné:I want to start off by saying I really enjoy your podcast and TikTok content. You always have a really interesting insight on pop culture and politics. I really enjoyed your series during Black History Month where you told lesser known stories or talked about lesser known people who impacted Black history. I'm such a huge fan of your sense of humor. Thanks, savannah, I love that. I love literally like that is. The entire point of all of my content is just to try to educate, give my opinions and make y'all laugh, so I appreciate that. Thank you so much.
Daijné:I'm having a problem with a super close best friend of mine and I don't really know where to start, so I guess I'll start from the beginning. We have been best friends since third grade and we are now 21. I cannot imagine not being friends with her, since that is 12 years of my life. I love her and I know she loves me. My family knows and loves her and vice versa. However, some things have been coming to my attention that raise red flags. I'm black and she is half white, half mexican and white passing. We both went to elementary school in the suburbs of a southern state. She has lived there ever since. I have moved since then, but we see each other a few times a year and keep up over the phone.
Daijné:The main thing I cannot get over is this she told me in december of 2024 that her past situationship of three years I'll call him ross is a trump supporter. I've always got a bad vibe from him for a few reasons. Valid trump supporter. Um, he was flaky and unreliable to start, but also, I feel like, didn't see me as a full person. Maybe a good way to describe it is that he always seemed like he was a fan of mine and I was a. I'm literally just a girl. We're all just girls, babe. Ooh, ooh, okay. His game pigeon profile was a black person and ross asked her a few years ago do you know what black people smell like? And he said chalk or something.
Daijné:What racist people are so fucking just like, uncreative, like what does that even mean? I don't even anyway, in that moment she was trying to remember what I smelled like, which made me uncomfy. Oh, that's not what the fuck. Like she should have immediately corrected him. Or like told him. Like that was weird. One of my favorite things to do is like weaponized incompetence. Like if somebody says something with racial undertones, I'll be like can you explain that to me? Like I don't understand what that means. And then they get uncomfortable and it's like yeah, bitch now. We're both uncomfortable you know what I mean. Like the fact that she was trying to remember what you smelled like is odd, very odd. I would have preferred her to shut down that conversation valid, say that it was inappropriate and weird, or stop talking to him altogether, since he is obviously racist.
Daijné:She is not a trump supporter. She voted for kamala and has always said, since like 2020, that she could never date a trump supporter, slash someone who was racist. So it did throw me off a little bit when she told me he was a Trump supporter, but at the same time, he is a white man from the south. So that was my bad for not thinking that one through. Not your bad at all. Not your bad at all.
Daijné:First and foremost, she is not a Trump supporter, but she's comfortable around trump supporters, which is still an issue in and of itself, because I feel like it enables that behavior. Like. Personally, I feel like trump supporters should be shamed, like we should be pointing and booing at them every chance that we get. Anytime someone tells you I'm a trump supporter, throw tomatoes immediately. So the fact that she's been in this situationship for three years she's she's laying that thing by the riverside, which is still very, very odd like that. That should be a deal breaker for people, in my opinion, because it's like I fully believe that trump supporters do not see people who are not white as human like they. They see us as black or mexican or latino, like whatever, before they even recognize us as human. So the fact that she is comfortable around him, I think, says a lot about about her. Like yes, I see that you said that she voted for kamala and she says since 2020 that she would never date a trump supporter. But it's like you know what I mean. Like, anyway, let's keep going. Now she has another situation ship. Oh, so she broke up with this trump supporter man. Okay, period, it took her a minute, but, um, okay, um, now she has another situation ship, who I will call walter, because that makes me laugh.
Daijné:On top of being a terrible person to be In a relationship with. She told me that Walter is a frat boy who goes to her college and comes from money. He is only 22 or 23 and drives a Tesla, I think, has a Rolex, shops at Gucci, etc. Once, when they were out drinking, walter asked her who she thinks he voted for and she said I'm not an idiot, you're a white man who goes to Southern Conservative College. You voted for Trump and then he told her that they don't have to talk about it. Wrong answer, wrong answer, wrong answer. Red flag, woo, woo, woo, sirens, anytime somebody tells me that they don't want to talk about politics or who, they voted for, red fucking flag, in my opinion. She told me Walter's family supports Trump, but from one picture you can tell that he does as well.
Daijné:He once referred to one of her friends of color by their race, unnecessarily, and has asked her if she had ever been with a black man before. She answered I haven't been with a black man before, but they come up to me all the time. What's her issue? Sorry, I know this is your friend, so I'm trying to like be respectful, but like these are just very odd responses and I'm not fucking with them, again, not an optimal response. Okay, so you get it. Okay, period, we're on the same page.
Daijné:This is when I thought to tell her that Walter's comments were racist. Like many white women do, she defended him a little bit by saying, as if I would care about the explanation he might not have known her friend's name and he asked that question because, at a club once, she had posted to her snapchat story a picture with the nearest random guy. He was black and she asked him to pretend to be a frat boy and her boyfriend to make walter jealous. She said that. She sees what I'm saying, though, and she sees where I'm coming from. I do not believe an explanation matters, though.
Daijné:A non-racist person would not support trump, casually refer to someone by their race like that, or ask if she has slept with a black man period, exactly like. Be serious, at least. Maybe you're not a trump supporter, but you're definitely like racist. Because like what? Why does it? Why does any of that matter? Why does anyone before you that she may have been with matter? Why are you referring to people by just their race? Like it's? It's odd, it's very odd. I wonder how he would refer to me or how he would treat me if we were to ever meet.
Daijné:I feel like a friend should never allow a man to treat their friends the way I know he would treat me. I am also tired of white women defending white men like this, while insisting that they are not racist because they voted for kamala or have black friends. Yeah, both of those are a cop out for sure. Like I, like I the I have black friends thing, like you can have black friends and still be racist. You could have voted for kamala harris and still be racist. Like that doesn't make you not racist. Like, personally, I feel like voting for kamala harris given the alternative bare fucking minimum, and having black friends and saying that you're not racist, I feel like it's like a like you have black friends so that you can use them to say that you're not racist, which is tokenizing black people, which is racism. So, yeah, neither one of those things makes you not racist. You're absolutely right. I get that to a degree. White men and women are socialized to act this way to keep white supremacy afloat.
Daijné:But maybe I should not be friends with her if she is going to partake in that. In case you're an audio listener, savannah, I'm shaking my head. Yes, like you, I I wouldn't. Honestly, being a trump supporter, being comfortable around trump supporters or anyone who says anything racist, is an automatic deal breaker for me, because I feel like, on some level, if you are comfortable being around people like that, that tells me that you agree with it. You know what I mean. Like you have to feel that a certain way about me and other people of color or black people as well, and I understand like people will say oh, you could have differences with your friends, yeah, we can disagree about pizza toppings, but not like if my life matters you know what I mean. Like that's a little bit of a disagreement that I feel like we shouldn't be having. If we're friends, maybe that's just me, her friends maybe that's just me, since she seems to gravitate towards trump supporting men. Being close friends with her might mean I will have to be around those people and I do not want to be around people who voted my other people's rights away. But it should be about more than just me because, for example, I would not date or entertain someone homophobic, not just because I have lgbtq plus friends and I do not want to date someone who hates my friends and votes their rights away.
Daijné:But I also find homophobia to be overall unattractive and it gives me the ick for sure. I feel like any of it. Like because homophobia, racism, all of that is just like so stupid to me. Like when you genuinely think about it. Like you're mad because my skin is darker or you're mad because of what I decided to do in my bed, who bends me over in my free time. That doesn't seem ridiculous as fuck to you. Like that doesn't seem like such a stupid way to live. Like how are you mad and you hate me because of how I live my life or because I was born black? That's just. It's unattracted to me because it's not smart. Like I am very attracted to people who are intelligent and smart and like have common sense and use their fucking brains, and for people who are racist, homophobic, anything like that like it's just unattractive to me because it just tells me that you're not smart.
Daijné:I feel like for us to continue our friendship, that would have to be her mindset slash deal breaker, and it's clearly not. This goes for me and her. But I feel like the people you choose to be in your life says a lot about you and what you're willing to tolerate. Absolutely I do not want to make someone choose between me and their significant others but at the same time, if that is the type of man she chooses, maybe I cannot keep choosing her as a friend. I feel like and I'm gonna hold your hand, no napkin while I say this you're choosing her as a friend, but I don't feel like she's fully choosing you, because if she genuinely was choosing you, then she wouldn't be around people like you said, who condone that behavior, who who support trump, who are racist, who are homophobic, who are anything like being around those people and like that. Not being being a deal breaker lets me know to some extent that you're okay with those things. And if you're okay with those things, as a black person like I can't be around you. That you're okay with those things. And if you're okay with those things, as a black person like I can't be around you because you're okay with someone genuinely putting my life in danger so you're not even really a friend. You see what I'm saying like a friend of mine, a genuine friend of mine, would never put my life in danger, would never see me as less of a human, would never be around someone who sees me as less of a human. This is not an exhaustive list, but here are other few little things, littles in quotes, that bother me. Let's see if they're actually little, because I have a feeling maybe they're not Okay.
Daijné:One time me and my friend were hanging out and for some reason she had my phone and on my phone screen one of my widgets showed different pictures from my camera roll. One of the pictures that came up was a picture of a younger step cousin who was white. My friend saw it and said it's weird, you just have a picture of a white kid on your phone. I laughed kind of because I was uncomfy and said that's my little cousin. Then she said I don't comprehend that At this point. They have been in my life for two years and my friend knows this, knows of them and has seen pictures of them before. She can never wrap her mind around how I am related to a fully white person, even though it is pretty simple and I have told her this we are step cousins and obviously not related by blood. My aunt married a white man and he has kids from a previous marriage. Literally the children themselves understand it, but she does not. Does she not understand it or is she just like, not wanting to understand it? You know she's acting like I am trying to tell her that two black people in my film gave birth to a fully white person.
Daijné:She uses the word ghetto a lot. Once, when drunk, she touched my face while wearing a silver costume glove and got some of my foundation on her glove. When she realized my makeup was on her glove, she said no. Then she pulled out her phone and started making a video for her snapchat story and says guys, never be friends with a person of color, because I just touched your face and now my glove is black. Hello, I would have ended the relationship, the friendship with her right then and there. I know it can be difficult because you guys have been friends for a very long time. But what? Like? That's odd. Ew, yeah, no, uh-uh, like that's just. It's like she's using you as, like a prop. That's what this feels like to me. It's like, oh, I'm friends with this, this black person, so I can say these things. She's definitely giving the I have black friends trope. You know what I mean. Trope isn't the word I was looking for, but I can't think of another word because, like, my flowers are a little bit gassed from reading that. Holy fuck, what the fuck? Once, when she was young, she said the f? Slur at least four times and then, when she was sober, she claimed it was her first time saying it. Okay, that doesn't. Like, was that her excuse for saying it? Like, oh, I've never said that before. Like that's not an excuse, that doesn't make it okay.
Daijné:She was taking a race, gender and ethnic studies class and she had a hard time with that class. She said she sometimes skipped it because she felt like she did not need it and that it was for the racist conservative kids at her college. Aka, not her, she believes. No, she should have been front and center for the class taking notes the whole class, like girl. If anybody needed this class it was her.
Daijné:The professor had said something about all white people being racist to a degree or support, slash, benefit from white supremacy, and she was like I know this is true for most people at the school, but I am not racist. I thought about telling the professor that I have a best friend who I have been friends with since third grade, and she is black. Trust me, I'm not racist. See, this is what I'm saying. Like she's using you as like a prop, as a token, like I can't be racist because I have black friends and that's just simply not true. Simply not true. Literally anybody can be racist and most people, whether they realize it or not, are racist because racism is embedded into our society like this is why I always say you can't just say you're not racist. You have to be anti racist or else you will be racist. Because it's so. It's literally woven into the fabric of, like the fucking american flag. Like it's, it's everywhere. It's literally everywhere.
Daijné:She believes that she would not be friends with me if she was racist. To be honest, it seems like she is very worried about being called racist instead of looking at her actual thoughts, words and if she was racist, to be honest, it seems like she is very worried about being called racist instead of looking at her actual thoughts, words and actions. She was worried about defending herself and not about learning. It was very much giving. I'm not racist.
Daijné:I have a black friend, which is not a reason that someone is not racist, but she does not think so. Evidently. I know the right thing to do is maybe distance myself or maybe not be friends with her, but it is really hard. I know I said a lot of honest and not so great things about her, but she is one of my best friends and we have a lot of great memories and she has been in my life for 13 years. Part of me wants to keep giving her chances and I will be more assertive with my boundaries and call things out that bother me. For example, the next time she uses the word ghetto, I will talk to her about it. Another part of me wants friends who already got it without me having to completely explain it, and that's fair. Like we're all grown, we all have access to the internet. Like we should all be educating ourselves. So I understand that as well. If I do distance myself because of my lack of communication with this problem, it will feel sudden to everyone else. My parents are going to ask questions, my friend herself is going to ask questions about why I'm distancing myself from her. Then I might have to explain myself, which will feel overwhelming and scary, etc.
Daijné:I would appreciate your input and I would love to know what you would do. Thanks so much for reading this. Sorry, this was so long. It is definitely the longest email I have ever written. If it's too long to read on the podcast, I would still appreciate your advice via email. Hope you're having a great day, savannah. Okay, savvy girl, not too long to read. I appreciate you know all the information you gave me because that helps me form my opinion better. Of course, the more information I know, the more I can be helpful in the situation.
Daijné:Personally, I feel like to some degree, you might already know what you have to do Very, very hard thing to do. Of course, you guys have been friends for a very long time, so I can understand why you know you might want to try to assert yourself more or give her more chances and try to teach her essentially how to not be racist. On the other hand, I feel like giving someone chances, like giving someone chance after chance after chance to be better, it kind of is counterproductive in a way, because the more chances you give somebody, the more leeway you give them, the more you're kind of showing them what you will put up with. You know what I mean, and so I can understand wanting to give her more chances and trying to be more assertive and trying to teach her. But it doesn't seem like, at least from the information that I've gotten, especially with the class that she took and like her not feeling like she needed the class. I don't know that she even really wants to be educated. I don't know that she feels like she needs to be educated or like she's doing anything wrong, and so it's.
Daijné:I feel like it's it's an even harder situation because it does also kind of give that she might be a little male-centered. Um, and male-centered friends by themselves are just very dangerous. But throw a male-centered friend in who is racist and also has a black friend, that could be an extremely dangerous situation for you, because it doesn't seem like she would put you first in a situation, first because, again, I feel like she's male-centered, but also because she kind of not even kind of she does let racism slide. So I think that this is a very tricky situation. Again, given the longevity of your friendship and you know your family's close to her, you're probably close to her family. But if it were me, I would. I would probably drop her as a friend. I I would maybe try to educate her and see if she would even be open to it, but I don't. I don't know from the information that you've given me that she would be, and I also don't think that it's your job to teach her to not be racist.
Daijné:I feel like if she, as she says, she has black friends, then she should, should be doing that work herself. But it's not really giving that she's doing that work and it's not giving that that work is even a priority for her and the fact that that's not a priority for her? It doesn't seem to be a priority for her, given the state of the world right now. I just feel like that's a major red flag. She has privilege. You said that she's half white, half Mexican and white passing, so she could be using that privilege that she has to try to educate herself so that she could also educate others. But it's like she's using her privilege for her advantage, which is what most maybe not most, no, most check the exit polls Most. Why people do is that they use their privilege to benefit themselves and like they don't care about other people, even people like in their families or close friends. You know what I mean.
Daijné:So what would Dejanae do? Final word of advice I probably would drop her faster than JLo got dropped by her label, her faster than jlo got dropped by her label. But if you're feeling generous and you're feeling like you know you want to do some work and educate her, you could give it a try. You could try and be more assertive. I will say I've had friends for a very long time that I've had to cut off as well, because we're just I being a trump supporter or being a trump supporter adjacent is an automatic deal breaker for me because I I don't want to educate you. I don't feel like I should have to. I feel like if you consider me your friend, knowing that I am a black woman, you should be educating yourself. You know what I mean. So it would be a deal breaker for me and I will say that you know, when you finally get rid of people in your life who don't value you as a person, it does open doors for people who will truly value you to come in. So I understand that.
Daijné:You know you guys have the longevity and the time of your friendship on your side and I can understand why you're using that, or might see that, as a reason to want to continue to be friends with her. You guys have been friends for a very long time. But quality over quantity. You know what I mean. Like the amount of time doesn't matter so much if the quality of the friendship isn't the best and you could meet someone tomorrow who is a better friend than this girl that you've known for the majority of your life you know what I mean who is going to genuinely see you and other people as people and not be around people who would vote your rights away or do any sort of crazy thing to you or put your life in danger or anything like that. So I understand.
Daijné:You know, with the amount of time that you guys have been friends, it's hard. I'm not saying that it's easy, because it's definitely not. But I will say that you, if someone is not truly valuing you as a person, the best thing that you can do for yourself and it'll take time for you to you know heal and you know you'll mourn that friendship. I feel like the worst breakups I've ever had are friend breakups. They're harder than any man I've ever broken up with. Literally like boys, that's a boy, I'll be fine. When it's your, your girlfriend, like that hurts, that hurts a lot more. You know what I mean, but I will say that you know, once you stop giving so much energy to relationships and friendships or whatever that don't serve you in the way that you know you're not getting things reciprocated back or people are not even looking at you as a fucking human, you do open the doors for other people to come in and you can refocus your energy towards people who see you as a human and people that you don't have to teach or people that you don't have to walk through how to not be racist or not excuse racism. You know what I mean.
Daijné:So said all that to say sorry, I'm long-winded. That's why your email people sending me long emails never bothers me. I'm long-winded myself, so I get it. But final thoughts of what I would do I would drop her immediately, as hard as it would be. It would be very hard. I'm not saying that this is easy. It's gonna be difficult. So if you feel like that is probably too difficult for you right now and you want to try and you know be more assertive and you have the time and the ability to teach her, do that. If you feel like it would be helpful, you feel like you could get somewhere, I would say, maybe try, but understand that if you're going to try that, don't exhaust yourself. You know what I mean. Like try for a little bit.
Daijné:And if you're saying like, yeah, she's just not getting it, you don't have to keep giving people chances to play in your face. When someone shows you who they are, believe them. Don't let someone play in your face and and use you as some sort of like token. Look, I have black friends, I can't be racist. Don't put yourself in those situations. I promise you there are people out there who you will not have to teach that you are deserving of basic human decency and respect. I promise you, even from like the little list that you gave me by the way, none of the things on that list were little Babe. Those are big, big things for me, that would you know. Those are red flags, but I can understand. Like you know her more than I do. You guys have been friends for a much longer time, so basically, what I'm saying is IDK, though you know what I mean.
Daijné:Anytime I give advice, I'm like this is what I would do, but like it's your life, take it however much you want to take, take that and what you don't want to take, like you know what I mean, it's your life. But I just feel like you deserve better friends. You deserve someone that you don't have to teach. But if you feel like you want to teach, then you could do that too. But personally me, I would drop her. But anyway, that's just me, though that's my advice. I would drop her.
Daijné:But if you feel like you want to try and you know you can be more assertive and you can stand up for yourself, by all means do that as well, because I mean, even if she doesn't learn from it, you could learn from it and and learn how to, you know, step into your voice even more, which is always a good thing as well. I'm trying to find the silver lining and all this. You feel me, um. So yeah, if you feel like this is a good time for you to to test out being more assertive for yourself and using your voice and standing up for yourself and black people and and other marginalized groups, then you should do that. But also, don't don't give her too much leeway. You know what I mean. Like she's already, in my opinion, testing the water is a little bit too much. Like she's already got her whole foot in the water. Don't let her do a cannonball in the water and play in your face too much. You know what I mean. So, at the end of the day, I don't feel like anybody should have to teach anybody anything. We all have access to the internet. We all are able to teach ourselves, but if you feel like that's something that you wanna do, by all means, I feel like you should do that. So I hope this is helpful.
Daijné:Thank you so much for your submission. If anybody else has a situation, needs advice, whatever it is, email me at the napkin in between podcast at gmailcom and I will give you my advice in what Desjane would do in that situation. I do read the emails for the first time on the pod because I want to give my honest, raw, real reaction. So if you want to be anonymous, totally fine, just let me know somewhere in the email, preferably at the top, so I know that before I get into the email.
Daijné:Savannah, thank you so much for your submission. I do not take it lightly that any of you are here listening, watching and even wanting my advice like that's huge for me and it means so much to me. So I really appreciate your submission. Thank you, and I hope the advice was helpful. Thank you, guys. So much for tuning in to today's episode. I hope everyone's having a good day, except for that orange drink lady, and I will talk to you in the next episode. Peace and love. Talk to you later. The Napkin in Between, hosted by Daijné Jones, produced by Daijné Jones, post-production by Daijné Jones, music by Sam Champagne and graphics by Isma Vidal. Don't forget to like.