The Napkin In Between

30 Lessons For 30 Years!!!

• Daijné Jones • Season 1 • Episode 44

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Thirty doesn’t feel like a deadline; it feels like a doorway. I’m stepping through it with a list of thirty lessons that reshaped how I love, rest, create, and choose my people. From the radical act of saying no without a paragraph of justification to the freedom of ignoring faceless critics, these are the truths I’m taking into a new decade—and the ones I wish I’d learned sooner.

We talk about what it really means to treat yourself as your longest relationship and why boundaries are a daily habit, not a one-time speech. I break down dating dynamics that actually sustain a partnership, how “benefit of the doubt” can mask self-betrayal, and why an apology without changed behavior is just PR. We also get practical about creativity: perfectionism is a delay tactic, procrastination often hides fear, and small wins stack faster than you think. Expect honest reflections on family respect, the danger of male-centered friendships, and how to spot the difference between brutal honesty and kindness with clarity.

There’s a lot here on listening to understand instead of responding to win, on resting before you burn out, and on choosing quality over quantity in every area of life. I share why comparison steals your joy, how to embrace solo dates and solo living, and the hard truth that people don’t change unless they want to—your job is not to wait in place. Healing that lasts comes from within, supported by community but not outsourced to it. If you’re ready to trade people-pleasing for peace and momentum, this one will meet you where you are.

If this resonated, follow the show, share it with a friend who needs the reminder, and leave a review to help more listeners find us. Tell me: which lesson are you claiming this week?

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Is this thing on? Hello, hello. Uh-oh. Another yaka with a mic. Hello everyone, and welcome back to The Napkin In Between Podcast. I am your host, Daijne Jones. I hope everyone's been having a good week except for the Orange Drink Lady. Of course. Y'all, it's a bad bitch's, not a bad bitch, the bad bitches. Birthday week. My birthday was yesterday, and it's just crazy because I turned 30. And I feel like when you're younger and you like think of 30, I feel like it has such negative connotation to it. But I recently was told, or like I heard, or I probably saw it on TikTok. I don't know. But someone said that your 30s are basically your 20s, but with more knowledge and money. That sounds lit as fuck. Like that, oh a second round of my 20s, but I have more knowledge and more money. Bitch, where the fuck do I sign up? Where do I sign up? And so I'm just feeling so excited, and I've been thinking about just like life. I've just been thinking about, you know, turning 30 and everything that I've learned up until this point. And I made a little list and I've called it 30 lessons for 30. And I just wanted to share it with you. And these are just like, they're in no particular order, they're just things that I've feel like I've learned, or and some of them I'm still in the process of learning, but it's something that I want to take into my 30s and expand on more. Um, but these are my 30 lessons that I have learned in 30 years. So, number one, and some of these sound like very obvious, but like let me cook, okay? The first one is the longest relationship you'll ever have is with yourself. And I feel like what I mean by that is like other relationships, whether they're familial, friendship, romantic, they're gonna come and go. That's just life, right? Like, not all relationships are meant to last. But in the moving parts of all of these people, all these relationships, who's always going to be there is you. And again, that sounds like, well, yeah, deje née duh. But I feel like that's so important to remember because you have to make sure that you're also taking care of yourself and being there for yourself because that's the longest relationship that you'll ever have. That's that's who's going to be there. The one constant in your life that you're always gonna have is yourself. So just make sure that you are taking care of yourself and prioritizing yourself and romanticizing your life and and doing things to help grow that relationship, that that relationship that you're gonna have with yourself. And make sure you're always building on that and just feeding that and watering that and recognizing it and just taking care of yourself. Number two, romantic relationships only work if the man is more invested than the woman. Hear me out, okay? I genuinely believe that for a relationship to work between a man and a woman, the man has to be more invested. He has to like the woman more than the woman liking the man. Because for whatever reason, men. I could stop right there. For whatever reason, men, period, end of sentence. For whatever reason, when a man knows that a woman likes him more than he likes her, it's like his primal instinct is to capitalize on that. And maybe it's because of a society that we live in a patriarchy. Everything is made for the betterment and the improvement and the advancement of men. So I feel like when they're in relationships with a woman and they know, like, oh, this woman likes me more than I like her, it's like in their brains, their first thought is like, okay, so how can I, how can I use her? How can I capitalize off of this? Whereas I feel like when a man is more invested than a woman in a relationship and the woman sees that, she's like, oh, he's he's doing me good. I want to do him better. You know what I mean? Like it's like a almost like a healthy competition. You know what I mean? It's like when a woman sees that a man is really putting in that effort and doing, you know, all these things and is invested and really likes her, then she's like, oh, like I can reciprocate that, I can do that too. When a man sees that, he's like, how can I use her for my own benefit while also giving her the bare fucking minimum? I don't know the science behind it, but I fully, I fully believe that if a man is not more invested in the relationship than the woman, relationship was doomed from the start. I don't, I don't know the science. My source, trust me, bro. Please trust me. I've I've been in that relationship where I've been more invested, and I swear they will, they, they capitalize on it every fucking time. Number three, and this kind of goes with number two. Some people only want a relationship with you because they can walk over you, because they can use you as a doormat, because they can use you as a step stool for the betterment of themselves. And as hard as it is, trust, I have been there. As hard as it is, those people are not your true friends, your true partner, your sometimes it's family. They don't they don't care because the second you start to set those boundaries and start to say, like, okay, no, you cannot walk all over me, watch how quickly that relationship disintegrates. Watch how quickly some people truly are only there because they see that they can use you, and it's the most disgusting thing, and that's why it's so important to know what your boundaries are and hold firm in your boundaries because there are people who don't have boundaries, and so if you're not firm in your boundaries, if they see that they can they can make you shaky on what your boundary is, they're gonna they're gonna cross that boundary every time. Every time. So it's so important, no matter who it is. I don't care if it's family, friends, a romantic relationship, make sure that your boundaries are your boundaries and make sure you hold those boundaries tightly because there are people who will and like it's so sick, but there are people who will see your boundaries and think to themselves, I bet you I can I can cross that. I bet you I can make them lay that boundary by the riverside and let me do whatever I want, even though you've already told them this is my boundary. So just make sure you know deep down what your boundaries are and hold firm on them. The people who truly matter would never even think about trying to cross a boundary with you. Number four, sometimes it's okay to shut the fuck up. Sometimes it is okay to shut the fuck up. I feel like so many people, especially now with social media, like people use their free will to the max sometimes when it comes to social media. They'll just start talking on their phones and they're spouting bullshit, and it's just like shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. My grandma used to say, God gave us two ears and one mouth for a reason because we're supposed to listen more than we speak, especially about like shit that you don't know shit about. Like, uh, it it honestly drives me crazy when I see someone like talking about something, and I can just tell, like, you have no idea what the fuck you're talking about. You think you sound so fucking smart, and you just don't. Like, you sound so fucking stupid, and it it grinds my gears so bad. But it is okay to just shut the fuck up sometimes. Sometimes it's important because again, like we we should, I think we should be listening more than we speak, especially about things that can negatively affect someone's life. You know what I mean? Like racism, homophobia, transphobia, xenophobia, misogyny, like things like that. I feel like it's so so often like people will immediately want to go into defense and defend themselves and and want to explain themselves. And it's like sometimes it's okay to just listen. Sometimes it's okay to just let people talk about their experiences and what they've gone through and and just listen. You don't have to defend yourself. Truly, like, if you're not a part of the problem, then I don't see why you would feel the need to defend yourself. Like, if if I'm listening to one of my friends or seeing a video and someone's talking about straight people and you know the perpetuation of homophobia, I'm strictly dickly, unfortunately. Unfortunately, I don't know what I did in my past life to for God to make me strictly dickly, but I apologize. Like, what do I like I apologize? But I am strictly dickly, and whenever I see a video of someone calling out homophobia or calling out straight people, I didn't I've never once in my life felt the need to defend myself. I don't need to because yeah, like that is a privilege that I have being straight. I don't ever have to worry about someone trying to attack me for who I love, and that fucking sucks. No one should ever have to worry about that. And I feel like there's it's so often like people will try to explain that, like explain a situation to people, and they first the first thing they want to do is defend themselves. Well, it's not all of us, it's not shut up. Shut up. You don't have to, you don't have to say it's not all of us. We like obviously we know it's not every single person who is like that, but it's a system, it's not about an individual, it's about a system that was created to oppress people. So I just feel like like shut up. Like, why are you taking it personally? Who who are you? Who are you? Now I'm not talking to you specifically, I'm talking about a fucking system, and it's like people don't understand that. But because it's like, well, we'll get to that a little bit later. I have another number out. I feel like some of these cross around each other, so I'm not gonna say what I was just gonna say. But like the need to feel to feel like to defend yourself, like just see how peaceful that is. See, just shut up, just stop talking, just listen, listen more than you speak. Number five, not giving a fuck is the best thing that you can do. Truly, and what I mean by that is like not giving a fuck about outside opinions, about what someone's gonna think, what someone's gonna say. That has truly been the best thing that I've done for myself in these past couple years, especially with social media. I've always been so afraid of being perceived, and I still am, I'm gonna be completely honest. I still am. I, if you haven't noticed, a lot of my videos are filmed sitting right here in this bedroom because filming outside is in like the wild is like so scary for me. And that's something that I still am working on. But like, even putting something online, like if you would have told me five years ago, like, oh, you have a following and you're you know talking online and people are seeing your videos and they're getting thousands of views, I would have been like, Who the fuck are you talking about? Like, there's no way I'm gonna put myself online, and it's something that I've always wanted to do, but I was so afraid to do it. But then when I was like, Why do I care? Why do I care about the opinion of someone who's sitting behind a screen who not even just sitting behind a screen, but like a blank profile? Why the fuck do I care what the fuck they have to say? They don't even like themselves, hence the reason they're hiding. You know what I'm saying? So it's like not giving a fuck was the best thing that I could have ever done because it just like opens so many doors for me. Like I have a podcast, which I've always wanted. Hopefully, one day we can turn it into like a talk show or something else, but like this is where I wanted to start. Like, I have a following where I feel like I can talk about really important things and draw attention to really important things, and like that's always something that I've wanted to do, and I do want to do more stuff too. Like, I I want to do more like daily stuff and like lifestyle content and like just like what I'm doing in a day. I haven't done that a bunch yet because again, I'm afraid to film outside of my house. We're working on it, but the more I film here, the more I'm just like, it doesn't fucking matter. Why do I give a fuck what anybody thinks? I shouldn't. It doesn't matter as long as I'm not doing anything to hurt anybody, you know, like it doesn't matter. So don't give a fuck. Just don't give a fuck. Put yourself outside of your comfort zone and do that thing because genuinely, if somebody is going to here's here's how I think about it. If somebody's gonna say some shit to you about it, number one, they're a stranger, they're hiding behind a profile, so it doesn't fucking matter. But if it's someone who's in like your real life and you feel like they're gonna judge you or say something about it, are they gonna say that thing to your face? More often than not, no, right? They're not gonna say it to your face. So why does it matter? If you can't say something to my face, why the fuck do I care? And even if you do say it to my face, like, am I hurting anyone? Am I doing anything to cause anybody harm? No. So why are you being a hater? Why are you being a hater? Just let me live my life. Like, just don't give a fuck about what anyone has to say. Either they're a stranger who and it doesn't matter, they're not gonna say it to your face, or they're just fucking hating, and you don't need them in your life anyway. Number six, everything will be okay. Maybe not today, but eventually everything will be okay. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason. And while that thing is happening, you might not understand the reason, and that's okay. It might not make sense in the moment, and that is okay. But eventually, everything is going to make sense, and everything is gonna be okay, and I feel like that's helped me so much in times where I was just like, I don't understand this, I don't understand why this is happening to me, I don't understand what's going on. And I would just tell myself, like, I don't understand it now, and that's okay to be confused. Like, confusion is something that really fucking bugs me. I hate feeling confused and like not knowing what's going on, and so something that I always tell myself is like I might not understand it right now, but eventually I'm gonna understand why this thing is happening, and I just find a lot of comfort in that in knowing that, like, yeah, I don't get it now, but eventually I'll get it. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but eventually everything will be okay, and I will be okay and things will work out. Number seven, it could be crack. Oh, it could be crack, you guys. It could be crack. This is what I tell myself, and also I tell my mom this too sometimes. Whenever I like want to indulge on something, whether it's like a sweet treat or I want to buy myself something, and I'm like, oh, I probably shouldn't get that, like I I shouldn't, whatever. I think to myself, like, it could be crack. Like, I could be spending my money on crack, or I could be indulging in crack, or I could indulge in this thing, and I feel like that's like obviously that doesn't work with everything, like like there are other things that you can be addicted to, and like we need to not do that. But it's just like a funny little thing that I tell myself when I feel like I'm being too hard on myself, you know what I mean? Like when I'm like, like, oh, I shouldn't do that thing or whatever. I'm like, you know what? Like it could be crack. And I say this to Leah, my roommate as well. It's like sometimes she'll be like, Oh, I really want a sweet treat, but I had one yesterday and I I shouldn't have a sweet treat two days in a row. I'm like, girl, it could be crack. Like, get your sweet treat. You it treat yourself. There's nothing wrong with treating yourself and getting yourself the little things, like, don't be so hard on yourself. Don't, you know, because I feel like we're all gonna die. So why are we not allowing ourselves small joys and small, small wins? You know what I mean? Like, those are important too, and again, it could be crack. And for me, personally, it it truly could be crack. My dad is a crackhead, like genuinely. I know people are like, oh my god, crackhead energy. No, my dad is a crackhead, okay? So it genuinely could be crack, but it's not, and we love that for me. I don't know so if you're thinking about treating yourself and you're like, oh, I don't know, it could be crack. It could be crack. Number eight, never be the bigger person. I hate for a bitch to try to tell me, oh well, just be the bigger person, take the high road. Fuck that shit. First of all, I'm 5'3. Okay, I can't take the high road, I can't even reach the high road. I'm too short to reach the high road. Second of all, my waist is non-existent, bitch. I was not created to be the bigger person, not a day in my life. And I I said this a couple weeks ago. I made a video about this. But the things like that, telling people like, oh, be the bigger person, oh, two wrongs don't make a right, take the high road. I feel like those were created. That is a scheme set up by Todd. Those were created so that people can do you dirty, and then when you respond, then they can try to shame you or or make you feel bad for responding the way that you did. Oh, yeah, sure, I punched you in the face, but just turn the other cheek. Bitch, I only have two fucking cheeks. And if you punch me in the first one, I'm not gonna give you the opportunity to punch me in the second. What the fuck are we talking about? Like, that shit does not make sense to me. And I it truly feels like it's just manipulation and gaslighting for people to be like, oh, I can treat you anyway, but if you do it back to me, like that that's mean, and you shouldn't have done that. I will never be the bigger person if you go low on booking us both a first class ticket to Satan's wife's left labia, bitch. We are going straight to hell, VIP, okay. I I could never, you'll never catch me being the bigger person. Never, never, like that's so no, no, so take this entire list with a grain of salt. This is just for me, but I feel like it's important like to try to convince someone that if somebody does them dirty that they should respond with kindness or like not be justifiably upset about that and want to get their lick back, get your lick back, get your lick back because crazy concept, they could have left you alone, but they didn't. They didn't, they tried to be funny, so you go be hilarious. I said what I said, I don't care. Number nine, it'll never be perfect. That thing that you've been working on that you're like, oh, I just need to tweak it and just need to make it, just need to make these little changes, I need to perfect it. It's never going to be perfect. It is never going to be perfect. Just put it out there. And I've had to say that so much to myself too, especially with my content. Like, there are so many videos that I've put out, and then I watch it back and I'm like, oh shit, like I should have said this, like that would have made that funnier, or this would have made this point hit harder. Like, it's never gonna be perfect, even if you feel like it's perfect and you put it out when you re-watch it back or when you re-look at it back, whatever that thing is, you're still gonna be like, oh shit, like I should have done this instead. It's never gonna be perfect, and that is okay because nothing is perfect. Not we live in an imperfect world, there's no there's no way for anything to be perfect. So just do that thing, put out that piece of content, put out that drawing, whatever it is. It's never gonna be perfect, it's never gonna be exactly the way that you want it because we're always changing, we're always changing and evolving, and we're always thinking and like, oh, that would have been a better it's like it's just never gonna be perfect. So, whatever that thing is, you're you're procrastinating it. Put it out, put it out, bitch. It's never gonna be perfect. And the reason you are trying to make it perfect or you're procrastinating, it's not because you're lazy. I've learned this too. Procrastination isn't always just like, oh, you're lazy. Sometimes procrastination is you're putting it off because as a child you were praised for perfectionism, so now that's all you know to strive for, and you're afraid that if you start that thing, it won't end up being perfect, so you push it off. You procrastinate it because it's not gonna be perfect, and you're worried that it's not gonna be perfect, and you would rather not do that thing than fail while trying to do that thing. It's never gonna be perfect. Put it out, it's never going to be perfect. That thing you're working on, whatever it is, and you know what I'm talking about. So don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about. Don't turn the episode off, don't try to tune me out, turn the volume up. I see you, turn the volume up. It's never going to be perfect, okay? And that is okay because nothing is perfect. Just put it out and and move on about your day. Put it out. You holding it back, you you hiding that creativity that you have. What's that doing for you? What's that doing for the world? You have an idea, you have a thing that you want to put out, but you won't do it because it's not perfect, it's never gonna be perfect. Put it out. Number 10. Expectation leads to disappointment. Especially when you expect people to treat you how you treated them, when you expect you from other people. I'm gonna hold your hand no napkin in between when I say this, it's gonna lead to disappointment every single time. Try, and I obviously it's easier said than done, but going into a situation and already like writing it in your head, that's a form of anxiety too. It's like you're trying to script something in your head. I do it too. But going into something with that script already prepared and thinking that this is a script that's gonna happen, you're gonna be disappointed every time. Every time. So as much as you can with with a situation that you don't know what to expect, don't go into it with expectations. Go into it with a clear mind, you know, see see it for what it is, see it for what it is, and process what it is and do with that information what you feel like you need to do. But like going into something with an expectation of how it's gonna turn out, it's gonna, you're gonna be disappointed every time. No expectations. No expectations. Number 11, and this one kind of ties into number 10. Stop giving people the benefit of the doubt and give them the benefit of the reality. I feel like all the time I hear people saying, like, oh well, let me just give them the benefit of the doubt, let me give them the benefit of the doubt. No. How about we don't give people the benefit of the doubt? Hear me out, hear me out, let me cook. I feel like it's more important for yourself as well to give people the benefit of the reality because we have to live in reality. You know what I mean? So if somebody is, if there's like a situation and you're like, oh well, let me play devil's advocate, let me give them the benefit of the doubt, how does that help the reality of the situation? You know what I mean? Like the reality is what you're seeing is what it is. So giving someone the benefit of the doubt, especially when they haven't earned it, you know what I mean? Like, I'm not saying that you can't give people grace or give people room, but I'm saying, like, don't allow that grace and room to override the reality of the situation. Like, if somebody is doing you terribly, don't just keep giving them the benefit of the doubt. Give them the benefit of the reality. Get like give and give yourself the benefit of the reality too. Like, see things for what they are. You know what I'm saying? Like, you don't have to continuously give people grace, especially when they haven't earned that grace, and put yourself in situations that allow people the room to continue to disrespect you. Start living in the benefit of the reality and stop giving people the benefit of the doubt. Again, especially when they haven't earned it. And again, I'm not saying you can't give people grace or you shouldn't give people grace. I personally run a very strict program, and I I'm learning that my program is might be a little overly strict. But at the same time, it's like there's a happy medium, you know what I mean? There's a happy medium between giving people grace and not allowing people to just continuously disrespect you. We have to find that happy medium and live in reality, okay? I feel like again, that's another one of those things, like, oh, we'll give them the benefit of the doubt. I feel like that's also another one of those things where it's like it it feels like gaslighty, manipulating a little bit of like, oh yeah, this person did you dirty, but give them the benefit of the doubt, like maybe they had this going on. Like, no, give them the benefit of the reality. If somebody is doing you dirty over and over and over, let them go, whoever it is. And uh again, it's easier said than done, I get that. But when you let go of these people who don't see you and see the value in you, you open up the door for other people to come in who do see that value, who who will treat you the way that you deserve to be treated, who you won't have to constantly give grace to, and and and also too, there's a fine line between giving somebody grace and allowing somebody to walk all over you. Again, there's a happy medium, and I feel like it's super important to find that happy medium. Number 12, someone being family does not trump respect. I I don't give a fuck. I don't care who it is, truly. If if you are being disrespectful to me, if you're crossing a boundary, if you're doing something that I don't align with, I'm going to cut you off every single time. And I hate when people are like, oh, but that's your brother, but that's your sister, but that's your mom, but that's your granny. Fuck granny. Why is granny dis being disrespectful to me? In fact, them being family means that they should be respecting me more than anybody. I'm your sister, I'm your whatever. You know what I'm saying? So it's like, again, this feels like another one of those things where it's like it feels gaslighty and manipulaty, manipulaty, manipulative. That's what I'm looking for. Um, for people to say things like, oh, but that's your family. Like, yeah, they did you dirty, but that's your family. So if they're my family, they shouldn't be doing me dirty. They shouldn't be disrespecting me, they shouldn't be crossing my boundaries, they shouldn't be treating me like they're not my family. Hello? Like you being a family member, us sharing DNA, which I couldn't choose, by the way, that that was circumstance. That shouldn't mean that I should just allow you to be disrespectful to me, that I should allow you to treat me any type of way. No. Family, family will never trump you still having respect for me. In fact, that should be the reason that you have more respect for me because you are my family. Don't don't fall for that bullshit. I hate that shit. Oh, but that's your whatever. I don't give a fuck. Anyone can get cut off. It does not matter. I do not care. Number 13, baby steps are still steps. I love small wins. Honestly, sometimes small wins feel more important to me than big wins because it's like, I feel like a win, the way that I like conceptualize it or like something that I'm working towards, I feel like it's like a puzzle. Like when I find what I like when I'm doing a physical puzzle and I find the one piece that I've been looking for and I fit it into its spot, that kind of gives me more of a happy feeling than when the entire puzzle is finished. You know what I'm saying? I just feel like it's so important to appreciate and to celebrate the small wins and the small baby steps. Like if you, for example, if you've been like depressed or something and you've just been in bed and not eating and not showering and whatever, like even getting out of bed, even if you just get out of your bed and stand there for a couple minutes and then you get right back in bed, that's a win. That's a win. That the fact that you could even push yourself out of the bed, that's a win that needs to be celebrated because it'll go from just pushing yourself out of the bed to maybe walking around your room, picking up some stuff, taking a shout. Like, usually I'm saying, so it's like those small steps. We can't get to the big steps without the small steps. Those are crucial, they're very, very important. So just make sure you're also celebrating those small wins and celebrating those baby steps because they are still steps, and not only are they still steps, they're very important to the bigger steps. Number 14, is that task too time consuming, or are you procrastinating? And again, sometimes procrastination is not laziness, sometimes procrastination is a fear of failure because you were praised for perfection, and so now the thought of starting something and the thought of failing at that thing is scarier than just not starting that thing at all. Is that task too time consuming? Is it too big? Is it truly out of your reach? Or are you procrastinating because you are afraid of failing? Questions that need answers because something tells me that sometimes it is that you're just afraid of failure. And that's okay. It's okay to be afraid of failure, but it's also like remember that failure is a part of the human experience. Everyone at some point is going to fail at something. And that's I feel like the word failure has such a negative connotation to it, but it's like if you fail at something, that doesn't mean like your life's over, that you can't try that thing again. You can absolutely try that thing again. And trial and error, you know what I mean? Like maybe this one thing that you did it failed. How can we rework it? How can we change it so that maybe the next time you won't fail? It's okay to fail. Failure doesn't mean that you're just like your life is over, you can never try that thing again. It just means it didn't work that way, and that's okay. Let's try it a different way. You know what I mean? Stop procrastinating that thing. I don't know who's watching this today, but like it's just in my gut that I need to tell you to stop procrastinating that thing. It's okay to fail. Even if you do fail, it is okay. And who who knows that you even will fail? It might be the best thing that you've ever done. Stop procrastinating in that thing, bitch. I don't know who the fuck I'm talking to, but you know. Stop procrastinating in that thing. Just do it. Nike. You know what I'm saying? Number 15. It's okay to ask for help. It is. It is. It is. I'm talking to myself a little bit here too because, like, I'm never beating them strong independent woman allegations. I'm never beating them because I hate to ask for help. I hate to ask for help. And it's because of the society that we've we're in, especially as black women. Like, we're told, like, we're just supposed to help everybody else and then take care of ourselves as well. No, we're not doing that anymore. It's okay to ask for help. It's okay to say, I don't know what I'm doing. I need help. Because again, that is a universal human experience. Everyone at some point in their life has had to ask for help. It is okay to ask for help. And it is honestly a sign of strength to say, like, hey, I want to do this thing, but I don't know how. I need someone to help me. That that is okay. It's okay to ask for help. Number 16, listen to understand, not to respond. I feel like this kind of goes with an earlier point that I had made. But I feel like a lot of the times when people are listening to something, they're not really listening to absorb what is being said. They're listening so that they can respond to what is being said. Let's not do that. Let's not do that because how do we how do we learn if we're listening, we already have in our brains we already know how we're gonna respond. We're not learning that way. We're not learning anything because we're not listening to learn. We're like, oh, I already know what I'm gonna say, so I'm just gonna let you finish what you're saying, but it's not changing anything. That's such a a terrible way to live. Like, change is necessary, change is important, and allowing yourself to be able to listen in order to change and in order to understand, that is so important. It's more important to listen and learn than to listen and be right. Because most of the time, I'm not gonna hold y'all when y'all be listening to respond, you're loud and fucking wrong. You thinking you're right doesn't make you right. You know what I'm saying? So it's like, let's try to listen to understand to learn rather than listening to respond. Number 17, give yourself everything you're giving to others. And I feel like this kind of applies to the first point that I made of the longest relationship you ever have will be with yourself. So you have to make sure you're pouring into yourself and giving yourself the grace and the understanding and the love and everything that you want to give to other people because you can't pour from an empty cup. You know what I'm saying? So it's like if you don't have that stuff already in you, that love and that grace and that respect for yourself, you're not even really truly giving it to other people, if we're being honest. Like, that's why I feel like it's so easy when you're struggling with your own self-love and when you're struggling with giving yourself the things that you're giving to other people, it's so easy for people to walk all over you because like you don't have those things for yourself. So you're not really giving them to other people, you're just giving other people room to kind of use you. You know what I'm saying? So it's like just make sure that again, the longest relationship that you'll ever have is with yourself. So make sure you're taking care of yourself and giving yourself everything that you try so hard to give everybody else. Number 18, self-awareness is more than just understanding or recognizing your flaws. If you're saying to yourself, oh yeah, I'm super self-aware, I know that this is one thing that I need to work on, I need to work on this thing, I need to work on this thing, da da da, that's not being self-aware, that's more being self-critical. You're you're being your own biggest bully. Because self-awareness is also too understanding what your strengths are, understanding where you excel, understanding, you know, the things that you're good at. And if you're not also telling yourself those things or or pouring into those things as much as your flaws, I'm not saying that you shouldn't understand and know what your flaws are, of course, everyone should. But if you only ever talk about what your flaws are, that's not self-awareness, babe. That's that's you being self-critical. And we gotta stop doing that. We have to stop being our own our our own biggest bullies and affirm ourselves as well. Like, yes, you can know what your flaws are. Again, that's important, but also know what you're good at and affirm those things in yourself. If you're only ever highlighting what you're doing wrong, you're just being a bully to yourself. Stop doing that. Number 19, rest is just as important as work. We are not machines, okay? We are not built, and even machines are not built. If you use a machine too much, that shit is going to overheat and not work. We are not meant to just be work, work, work, work, work. Rest is super important. Super important. Dare I say more important than working, because if you are not fully charged, you're not gonna work to your your ability, to your full potential. You know what I mean? So just make sure you're also prioritizing downtime and rest, and especially black women, rest. You do not have to be everything, not even that you don't have to be, you physically cannot be everything to everyone all the time. It is important to take time for yourself to rest, to recharge, to regulate your emotions, to do all of that so that you can be the best, not only for other people, but for yourself as well. Rest. Rest. Super, super important. Make sure you're resting more than you're working because it's super important, and I know we don't do that enough, so make sure you're getting the rest that you need. Number 20. Some people are brutally honest, and some people mask brutality as honesty. Make sure you know the difference. Super important to know the difference because there are people who will just be so fucking rude to you and like say the craziest shit, and then follow it up with, well, I'm just being honest. I'm just being honest. No, you're you're just being a bitch, and you're trying to mask that as honesty. And I'm not saying like that doesn't mean I feel like it's important to have those friends who can tell you about yourself and tell you what it is, and and you know, have that community where you have that open honesty, but sometimes it's not about what you say, it's about how you say it, and you can be honest with me without brutality, you know what I mean, without trying to like hurt me or like make me feel some type of way, like that's that's not gonna help the way that you think it is, and there are people who will do that who will just be like bitches and be like, Well, I'm just honest. I'm not I'm not a bitch, I'm just honest. No, you're actually just a bitch, if we're being honest, like, no. So just make sure you know the difference because there are people again, it's just like the sick mindset of people who find joy in hurting people or find joy in like walking over people or disrespecting people. Don't allow anybody to disrespect you. It's important to have friends who can be honest with you, but there are people who just want to be brutal and mask it as honesty. Make sure you know the difference. Number 21, male-centered women are not your friends. Male-centered women are not your friends, nor will they ever be good friends because they would step over their grandmother's dead fucking body for a crumb of attention from a man. And not only are they not your friends, they will put you in dangerous situations for the attention of a man. Even if you see a crumb of male standardists in a woman, walk away. Walk away. And I get it, like I've been friends with male standard women, and it's like you want to save them, right? After you unpack your own internalized pathogeny, if you have that, it's like you want to save them because you're like, oh my god, like I see this path you're going down, I've done it, and I don't want you to do that. Unless they want to change it themselves, they're not gonna change it. They're not gonna change it. They're always going to want that validation of a man, and they're never gonna be a real friend for you because the second they get into a relationship with a man, you're on the back burner. You're not even on the back burner, you're not on the grill at all. You're not marinated, you're not seasoned, you're probably still at the store, not even bought. You know what I'm saying? And then once that relationship ends, here they come back, they want to link up, they want to talk, they wanna don't allow it because the second they get into another relationship, vicious cycle is gonna continue. Male-centered women are not your friends. Number 22, and it ties into number 21. Being male-centered is the most embarrassing thing that you can be. It is, it truly is coming from a woman I used to be male-centered. That shit is so fucking embarrassing. When you finally wake up and you're like, yo, what the fuck? That shit is so fucking embarrassing. I feel like that's why, as like an ex-male-centered woman, like I've had friendships, friendships, I say in quotes, with women who are male-centered, and I've always just wanted to save them. And because it's just like once you're out of it and you see it, like it's so cringe, it's so oh, it's so embarrassing. It's so embarrassing. And so you just want to save them, you just want to help them. But again, you can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved. Don't save her, she don't want to be saved. It's super embarrassing, though. So, like, don't do that. Don't be male-centered. It's actually really fucking embarrassing. The most embarrassing thing in the entire world. Number 23, someone else's success does not mean you're falling behind. Life is not linear. Life, like your own life isn't linear, and your life compared to someone else's, you can't even compare them. That's like comparing apples to oranges because everyone's journey is different. And someone pulling ahead does not mean you're pulling behind. You you're just in different spots, and that's okay. Not everyone is gonna be on the same spot because again, life is not linear for a single person, and it's not the same for a single person. So don't look at someone else's success and be like, take it as a as a negative towards yourself, you know what I mean? Like, everyone is different, they're having success now. Maybe your success is right around the corner, but like also don't try to compare yourselves. You know what I'm saying? Like, comparison is the thief of joy, it truly is, it truly is because again, the two can't even be compared. You cannot compare your life journey to anyone else's life journey, they're all different, they're all different. So just allow yourself to be in your moment and you in your moment and somebody else in their moment. That doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with you, or you know, there's something better about them, whatever. Everyone's just different, and that's okay. That's okay. I love differences, actually. Differences should be celebrated, they shouldn't be put up against each other, they shouldn't make you feel some type of way about yourself. A difference is just that a difference, and that's okay. That is okay. So don't allow someone else's success to make you feel like you're falling behind. Number 24. No is a full sentence. A full fucking sentence. You don't have to give anybody an explanation, you don't have to do like if your answer is no, then that's your answer, and that's it, and that is okay. To my people pleasers, me, I've ugh, I was the biggest people pleaser. Once you learn that no is a full sentence, I promise you that I will elevate your life more than anything. Truly, truly, you don't owe anyone any sort of explanation. And let me just let me just warn you, as a people pleaser, the second you start saying no, that is going to rock yours and their worlds. Because again, there are people who only want a relationship with you because they feel like they can use you. So once you start telling them no, they're gonna put up a fight, they're gonna try to make you change your no and do whatever you can to appease them, right? But once you fully learn that no is a full sentence and you're gonna lose some relationships. You might, if you're a people pleaser and there's people who are not, you know, have relationships with you just because you know they want a relationship with you, but more so because they know that they can use you, it's gonna cost you some relationships, and that's okay. That is okay because again, once you let those relationships go, you allow room for other people to come in and treat you the way that you need to be treated, respect your boundaries, not try to use you. So just learn that no is a full sentence, and you don't have to explain yourself to anybody. No means no, and that's it. Stopped right there. No, period. Period. The end. Number 25. There are people who will be committed to misunderstanding you. Let them. We don't have to do all that talking. I'm I'm truly the older I get, the more I'm not with all that talking. I'm gonna explain this to you one good time. And if you don't understand it, there I'm I'm not saying this everyone. There are people who, you know, just need a little bit of grace, and I'm not saying that people shouldn't have grace, but there are people who will be committed to misunderstanding you, who will be committed to not hearing you, because some of them might be listening to respond not to understand, they don't want to understand you, whatever the case may be. No matter how hard you try, you could talk until you're blue in the face. If somebody is committed to misunderstanding you, they are going to misunderstand you, so let them. You do not have to do all that talking, leave them where they're at. Truly, truly. You do not have to stay with them where they're at. If they're if they're committed to misunderstanding you, leave them where they're at. Because again, allowing yourself to let go of those people, it makes room for people who will truly understand you and who want to understand you to come into your life. There are people who are going to misunderstand you just because they want to. Let them and leave them where they're at. Number 26, an apology is for the apologize, not the apologizer. This is something that I truly, truly had to learn because it's like sometimes when someone is apologizing to you, they're doing it for themselves to make themselves feel better. And you can tell by the way that they respond to your response to their apology, you can tell if that apology was truly for you or if it was for them. And an apology is always for the person who was on the receiving end of the apology, right? So if you feel like you don't want to accept the apology or whatever, that is your right. That that is okay. You don't have to just accept an apology just because somebody is saying they're sorry, and also just saying you're sorry and not changing their behavior, that's not an apology, that's manipulation. An apology without changed behavior is just words, they're truly just doing it for themselves to make themselves feel better or to try to convince you that they're actually sorry. But if they're not changing their behavior, they're not actually sorry, and you don't have to accept that apology because again, that apology is for you. And something I've I've I've started to do, if somebody is apologizing to me, I've stopped saying it's okay. Because it's not okay. If it were okay, you wouldn't be apologizing for that thing. So what I like to say instead is I appreciate the apology because I do. I do appreciate when someone, you know, tells me that they're sorry, but I can't fully accept the apology until I see changed behavior. And I've had people like apologize to me and I'm like, oh, I appreciate your apology, and they get mad at that response. You're not gonna tell me it's okay, you're not gonna tell me we're like we're not just automatically cool again. Well, no, we're not because I need to see that your behavior has changed, right? I need to see that you truly are sorry, and a genuine apology comes with changed behavior. If somebody is just saying that they're sorry and nothing's changing, they're not sorry. And they didn't apologize for you, they apologized for themselves. So always remember that an apology is for the apologize, not the apologizer. Number 27, quality over quantity in every in every aspect of your life, quality over quantity, whether that means friends, whether that means family, whatever that means, quality over quantity. The number of people that you have around you doesn't matter if those people don't respect you, if they're not quality people. You know what I mean? I would rather have two amazing friends than 200 friends. Quality over quantity all day, every day. No, no questions, quality over quantity. Number 28, don't wait for other people to start living your life. Start doing things alone. And I'm still learning this too, but start doing things alone. I promise you, like, once you master the art of a solo activity, whether it's solo travel, whether it's like just a solo date, whatever it is, you've like that's your last infinity stone. You've collected your last infinity stone and you've unlocked a brand new chapter of your life once you learn that it is okay to do things alone. Because again, I feel like at least for me personally, some things that stop me from doing things alone is like perception and being perceived, and like, oh, is somebody gonna think I'm weird because I'm here by myself? Da-da-da-da. Who cares? Who cares? Do not give a fuck. It does not matter what anybody else thinks. Because again, are they gonna say that to your face? Probably not, right? And also, like, again, the longest relationship that you'll have is with yourself. So as long as you're comfortable with yourself and doing things alone and being by yourself, that's the best thing that you can do. I remember the first time that I ever lived alone, I was terrified. Terrified to live alone because I'm like, I don't have anyone to talk to, I don't have any friends. Once you live alone, that piece, top fucking tier. And I love my roommate. Um, this is nothing against Cleia. She's the best roommate I've ever had. But it's something about living alone and having all of your own space that is just like magical. And being by yourself and learning to be okay with being by yourself, top tier. Stop waiting for other people to live your life. Go do that thing that you've been wanting to do. Number 29, people don't change unless they want to. This kind of goes along with like the earlier point of male-centered men, you or male-centered men. Honestly, a lot of men are also very male-centered, like they do things for the homies. That's a conversation for another day. But this goes along with the male-centered women and wanting to change them. You can't change them. And that that's with anyone, no matter what the situation. If somebody doesn't want to change themselves, they're not gonna change. People don't change unless they truly want to. You can kick and scream and talk to your blue in the face. People will not change unless they want to. And if people don't want to change, if you're with someone or it's a family member, a friend, whatever, and you're noticing that they don't want to change, you don't have to stay with them. Leave them where they're at. Go live your life. You do not have to stop and wait around for somebody to change or for someone to see your worth or your value because there are people who will come into your life who see it without you having to try to convince them of it. You know what I mean? Leave people where they're at. People do not change unless they want to change. And number 30 kind of goes with number 29. Healing has to come from inside, it has to come from you, not from anybody else. If you are trying to heal or to change to have other people or for the benefit of other people, the healing will only last for as long as that person is in your life, right? You have to heal for yourself, it has to come from inside. There are there can be people who are there to help you, right? But you have to do the work yourself. You have to not only want to do the work, but also do the work yourself. It's it cannot come from other people, come from an outside source because the second that person isn't there, what's gonna happen with with all that progress that you've made, right? You're gonna have to start back from square one because it it has to come from you, it has to come from inside. The healing has to come from you. And again, that doesn't mean people can't be there to support you and to help you, but it has to come from inside. You have to work, the the inner work has to be more than the people who are outside helping you, has to come from inside. So make sure you're you're focusing on that and you're not changing for somebody else or you're not depending too much on other people to try to heal you. Nobody can heal you but yourself, right? And I've said this before: any sort of like trauma that you have, especially if it's childhood trauma, whatever, you're not responsible for that trauma, but at some point you are responsible for healing so that you don't harm other people and yourself, you know what I'm saying? So just make sure that healing comes from inside. That's that's the most important place, and that's where not only is it the most important, like it has to come from inside. Any other option, it's not going to be like long-lasting healing, especially if the that person that you're leaning on too much, if they somehow leave or something happens, what it how does that help you? You know what I mean? Like how where what happens with your progress? So just make sure your healing comes from inside. And those are my 30 lessons for 30 years. There's so many more, of course. Like, even the one on my list where I was talking about like nothing will be perfect. When I was making this list, I was like, Oh, there's has to be something else I'm missing. Something should I add this one? Should I keep this one off? It's never gonna be perfect, but those are the lessons that have truly, I feel like have helped me in these 30 years. And again, there's still things that I'm working on and always improving, but I'm just so grateful for for all of it, for every person who has come and gone these past 30 years, for the true friends that I have, for all of you. Like, it's been a great 30 years. I honestly, there's been some shit that's happened, and at the time I didn't understand it, but I understand it now, and I'm grateful for it, and I'm grateful for all of you being here, and I'm grateful for 30. And uh, I don't know, I just feel very excited and very hopeful for the future, and I feel like I'm I'm finally stepping into my own self-confidence, and that's something that I've been working on a lot for these past couple of years, and I'm just excited to see that all come out in the next 30 years. So I don't know, happy birthday to me, the baddest bitch ever. Uh, I'm so grateful for all of you being here, and I hope that this was helpful. Again, this is not an exhaustive list, there are so many more lessons, but these are the top 30 for me of the 30 that you know I wanted to talk about today. And I hope they're helpful. And life is crazy. Life is crazy and it's not linear, and there's things that come and go, but the lessons like they they make up for it, they they make me realize everything's gonna be okay. Maybe not today, but everything's gonna be okay, and I'm just grateful for every lesson and for everything that I've had these past 30 years. So I hope this was helpful. Thank you so much for tuning in to today's episode. I hope everyone's having a good week as I fly Orange Ink Lady, and I will talk to you in the next episode. Peace and love. Talk to you later. The napkin in between, hosted by Daijne Jones, produced by Daijne Jones, post production by Daijne Jones, music by Sam Champagne, and graphics by Isma Vidal. Don't forget to like and subscribe. See you next episode.