Masterclass: You Can Be the Rescuer, the Persecutor, and the Victim All Before Lunch. Here's How to Stop.

If you have an addicted loved one and you have been holding everything together for longer than you can remember, this is the episode where it starts to come apart, in the best possible way.

Jason takes you inside one of the most pivotal weeks of the six-week Live Unhooked Masterclass. You will learn why cleaning the goldfish never works, what really happens in Step Four of recovery, and the one psychological model that explains why the same loving move you have made a hundred times keeps producing the same painful result.

EPISODE HIGHLIGHTS

[01:00] Jason sets the tone: "This is the masterclass. We go deep, quick."

[01:36] Why powerlessness is not weakness, and why calling addiction a brain disease changes everything.

[02:31] The story of Jason naming his disease "Sancho" in his fifth treatment center.

[05:18] The goldfish framework: why cleaning the bowl matters more than rinsing the fish.

[10:23] "The cave we fear to enter holds the treasure we seek." Joseph Campbell sets up Step Four.

[13:45] A live five-round box breathing exercise with Jason.

[21:01] Steps Three and Four: the decision to surrender versus entering the cave.

[25:19] The Drama Triangle introduced: rescuer, persecutor, victim defined.

[30:26] How all three roles can show up in the same person on the same day.

[43:32] Jason gets personal: how the Drama Triangle has shown up at home during Brin's battle with cancer.

[50:36] This week's assignments: the seven-day personal experiment and the Step Four workbook.

[57:09] "Trust the process." Jason's closing challenge.

THE DRAMA TRIANGLE

Jason walks the group through the Karpman Drama Triangle, named by psychologist Stephen Karpman in the 1960s. Three roles families touched by addiction tend to cycle through.

The rescuer fixes everything and is exhausted. Their identity depends on the chaos continuing. The persecutor weaponizes love and feeds shame, and shame fuels addiction, it does not stop it. The victim says I cannot, and the suffering becomes an identity.

The part nobody tells you: these roles rotate. In a single day, the same person can rescue at breakfast, persecute at lunch, and collapse into victim by evening. Awareness is the first step out.

THE GIFT INSIDE THE CAVE

Jason discloses that the Drama Triangle has shown up not only in his recovery work but at home as his wife Brin has battled cancer. He has caught himself using bravado as a mask for victimhood. The awareness is not shame. It is a gift.

He introduces a core teaching: our greatest weaknesses and our greatest strengths are two sides of the same coin. His anxiety drives the habits that built Brick House Recovery. His ADHD, harnessed with intention, becomes a superpower. Step Four is not punishment. It is a treasure hunt.

THIS WEEK'S WORK

The seven-day personal experiment. Give up one thing you depend on (coffee, scrolling, snooze, sugar) for seven days. Not for deprivation. For empathy. You cannot fully understand what your addicted loved one is up against until you have sat with your own brain bargaining.

The Step Four supplemental workbook. A daily self-inventory designed to surface patterns, ego defense mechanisms, and the roles you play in your family system.

"Place your recovery first. This is the very thing I am asking your addicted loved ones to do. All the other areas in your life will be blessed in time."

RESOURCES

Unhooked: How to Help an Addicted Loved One Recover by Jason Coombs (Audible, Amazon)

Brick House Recovery: https://brickhouserecovery.com

The Live Unhooked Masterclass

If this episode moved something in you, share it with someone carrying the same weight.

Transcript

Brick House - Ep. 59

[00:00:00] ​

[00:01:00] Jason Coombs: so today we've got, we got a lot of good stuff.

[00:01:03] Jason Coombs: A good, like a lot of meat that we're gonna cover today. So we're gonna, just going to dive right on in.

[00:01:11] Jason Coombs: This for is the masterclass, which means we are going to go deep quick.

[00:01:18] Jason Coombs: And, that, that's why I said you don't wanna miss any of the weeks. you don't wanna miss the homework, you don't wanna miss the recording. You wanna make sure that you stay on top because this is where a lot of the liberation comes is, as I mentioned last week, we reviewed the powerlessness.

[00:01:36] Jason Coombs: We reviewed, , the things that you can and can't control. We talked specifically about the disease, this being a disease, not a moral failing, not a, choice issue. This is, , an actual, Diagnosis that's listed in the, the American Society of Addiction Medicine and the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual for mental illness as a legitimate, brain disease.

[00:02:02] Jason Coombs: And so when we see it through those lenses, we're able to separate our loved one from the disease. Yesterday in at Brick House, I, was, was sharing with all of our clients at all, all three locations, well, four locations ' cause we have a telehealth program. And, , was talking to them about the importance that they learned how to separate their disease from who they are because their disease is the one that is reinforcing shame constantly.

[00:02:31] Jason Coombs: And so I shared with them the little story about me in my fifth treatment center, , when I, it named my disease. And I named him Sancho inspired by a song, , from Sublime that I used to listen to. And the line goes, I'll pop a cap in Sancho, which was like my, , idea of I'm gonna battle hymn every day.

[00:02:57] Jason Coombs: And, and he's the enemy. So my disease is my enemy. It's, , important that. That my clients y yesterday, that, that they learned that I, they're spiritually anorexic when they are in their disease. And the idea is to feed the, the spirit to feed that, that anorexia through the principles, the actions, and the, the steps that are recovery related so that their disease, in my case, Sancho, begins to lose power.

[00:03:33] Jason Coombs: And our strength, , on a spiritual side begins to grow. And what's really powerful about that is, there's a promise in the recovery literature that I've found to be true and, , know to be true is that when we straighten out, or when we focus on our spiritual condition, we begin to straighten out mentally and physically.

[00:03:57] Jason Coombs: And this reinforces the. Understanding that this is a, a disease. And when we, just like any other disease, when we approach it from a spiritual place, not only are we able to separate the disease from the person, we have more patients when their symptoms flare up. We have more patients when it's difficult when they're behaving in a way that is, , especially if they're not interested in doing anything to treat their spiritual anorexia or treat their disease or treat their mental illness and you see them spiraling.

[00:04:31] Jason Coombs: It can be so frustrating. It could be so, gut wrenching at times. 'cause you just wanna wr their neck. Just like my mom, she wanted to ring mine, like, wake me up. Like, how are you, how are you breaking this promise after you just, you just swore up and down, you know, hours ago that you were never gonna use again and now you're locked up because you just relapsed.

[00:04:53] Jason Coombs: Like, that's how quickly things happen. So. In the, I I think that, that, that's probably a pretty good intro. We talked, we talked about the, , the importance last week of putting on the, , your oxygen mask. I shared that example of that flight that, , ended up crashing and killing, , ev every passenger.

[00:05:18] Jason Coombs: Because there was one missing line in the, the manual that the pilots should put on the oxygen mask first before they start troubleshooting. And I liken that to the goldfish model. So if the goldfish, , metaphor or the goldfish framework is new to you as a, I'm gonna just remind those of you that have heard me share about this, but also, , if this is new to you, , to make sure that we cover this.

[00:05:44] Jason Coombs: 'cause I I reference it often. , Imagine like, remember back when you would go to the fair as a kid, or maybe you just took your grandkids to the fair this last fall, and they come home, they got little goldfish in a, in a baggie, and they put the, the fish in a, in a bowl. And at first, like the water's clean, everybody's happy.

[00:06:03] Jason Coombs: But a few days later you begin to see, well, not only does the fish start to get neglected because the excitement wore off, and, and the kids start to to have other interests, which is the case every time we get a reptile or a fish or something. And then the, the cage or the bowl is, or the aquarium is always left to the parents to clean.

[00:06:25] Jason Coombs: Seems like, but you remember like how murky the water starts to get. And then this scum and like stuff starts to get, , on the glass and it begins to look gross. And the. The, , like we don't, we don't approach a situation like the goldfish, , dirty water by taking the fish out, rinsing off the fish, and then putting it back in the water.

[00:06:51] Jason Coombs: Like that just doesn't make any sense to us. Right. But we do that. If we relate that to, if we can just get our addicted loved one, like to rehab, if we just get 'em in or get her in, they'll get rinsed off, they'll shape up, and then they come back into the same environment or a similar environment. And I'm not talking about the living situation.

[00:07:18] Jason Coombs: I'm talking about the dynamics within the family and the roles that we each play. And those roles have a face. And it's, it's true to this day for me, where even at 17 years in recovery, when I am around all of my siblings and my nephews and my nieces and my mom. I naturally fall into this role where I don't even know that I'm doing it, but I notice like little mannerisms and a little avoidance and, I've come a long way.

[00:08:00] Jason Coombs: But the old me was, I would. , I was like the kid in the sibling, like I, in the sibling group, they would all be sitting around at the dinner table having, well, they're all physicians now, and they were going through med school as I was in my disease. So they would talk about things that I could care less about, about biology and medicine, but to them it was all really important.

[00:08:23] Jason Coombs: And they would talk about adult things and I would go find my nieces and nephews who were all really young and I'd play with them just avoiding, I would, I would avoid, anything that was, that, that, that had to do with the, the sibling conversation because I didn't want the focus to be on me, and I just felt colossally uncomfortable.

[00:08:43] Jason Coombs: So, , but I find myself still doing that today. Like, I default to this role of not being smart enough, not being the only one who isn't, a, a doctor in the family, being the only one who, you know, went through substance use disorder and, and treatment and all of the things. Even though I'm a completely different person.

[00:09:06] Jason Coombs: It's amazing how that role still shows up for me. And, and you think about your own life like that will. That will play out in your own dynamic with your loved one. Like you might be, you might be, , showing up one way and then your addicted loved one comes on the scene and your role changes in your head.

[00:09:27] Jason Coombs: Like you may not even notice, but you start to. See some behaviors that weren't there prior to them showing up on the scene. Right? so the goldfish framework is the, the importance of cleaning the bowl, cleaning the environment, taking accountability for our part in what that environment looks like, what that dynamic looks like between us and our addicted loved one between us and our other family members.

[00:09:57] Jason Coombs: And then we go to work, which is exactly what you are doing here. We're cleaning the bowl, we're cleaning, but first what we're doing is we are getting, well, we're getting healthy, we're getting, we're getting new perspectives. So that's, that's the, the goldfish framework. And there's a, there's a whole like step, , process of how to, how to clean the bowl, which is what we're in the middle of right now.

[00:10:23] Jason Coombs: Like these six weeks is that process. So you're smack in the middle of the goldfish framework. Congratulations. I'm not just gonna take you out and rinse you off and then drop you right back in. My commitment is to help you transcend, what it is that you are struggling with. And so today the focus is going to shift away from your addicted loved one, and it's going to go into looking deep within ourselves, which I promise you that if you're willing to go into this cave.

[00:10:55] Jason Coombs: You will find the treasure you seek. Joseph Campbell once said, the cave we fear to enter holds the treasure we seek. And I believe that because a lot of times we don't think we even need to go in the cave. There's nothing in there for us. But when we face, our own denial, we face our own, , dragons, and we are willing to embrace that part of ourselves.

[00:11:18] Jason Coombs: And learn to love that part of ourselves. And become aware of that part of ourselves. Then we're in a position to, to influence not just our addicted loved one, but we're able to influence so many others in our lives, which is the whole point is for you to transform who you are and become the next version of yourself, the, and to have a new story, to write a new story, a new chapter like closing this chapter, opening up a new chapter in your life, even if you're addicted, loved one, stays exactly the same, and that's exciting.

[00:11:56] Jason Coombs: That should give you some hope. That should give you, you might be seeing, well, Jason, that's great, but I'm really here 'cause I just want my addictive loved one to change. Like I just, if they will, then everything's fine. But remember. It's, it's about the whole system and relationship, the water, the bull, the fish, the factors that are contributing to the, the struggle and what perpetuates the, the distance and what perpetuates the resistance and what perpetuates the unattraction of wanting to take your advice and the una una attraction to, the dance, which we're gonna talk about today.

[00:12:39] Jason Coombs: The dance or the, the drama triangle and, and how we get sucked into this, this three step waltz or three step dance. And it, and it's, and it's difficult. Before we do that, what I would really like to do is, , I'd like to take a, a, a minute or two and do some box breathing, as I mentioned, and, and really get into a space where we're, , if you are like me, I need to do little things throughout the day, , particularly in the morning that help me with anxiety.

[00:13:12] Jason Coombs: And look, I, I have anxiety just because my eyes open. It's not like there's anxiety because I'm worried about something. Like, I'm not worried about being with you guys. This is, this is actually my bliss. This is the thing I would rather do than anything else is work with you. But I have anxiety right now, just like I do every morning, even when I go through, like drinking my water, making sure I've got electrolytes, getting some protein, doing a little ex, well, I didn't get my exercise in this morning, but I will.

[00:13:45] Jason Coombs: But box breathing is one of those that helps me when I start to feel, By mind race, and I, I start to feel, , anxiety or I feel like I'm gonna cont need to control something. So let's do some of that. , How box breathing works is, is is a four count. Breathe in, and then there's a four count hold.

[00:14:05] Jason Coombs: So think of the box four, count up, hold for four, and then release for four, and then hold for four, and then we do it again. Okay? So we'll do that. , Let's do a round of five. We'll go five boxes. There's no rhyme or reason to five. I just picked that. Okay. So I'll lead it. Let's go breathe in for, and feel free to close your eyes.

[00:14:32] Jason Coombs: Breathe in for four.

[00:14:38] Jason Coombs: Old for four. Release for four.

[00:14:50] Jason Coombs: Hold for four.

[00:14:56] Jason Coombs: In.

[00:15:00] Jason Coombs: Hold.

[00:15:05] Jason Coombs: Release.

[00:15:10] Jason Coombs: Hold.

[00:15:15] Jason Coombs: In.

[00:15:19] Jason Coombs: Hold.

[00:15:24] Jason Coombs: Release.

[00:15:29] Jason Coombs: Hold.

[00:15:33] Jason Coombs: In. Hold.

[00:15:41] Jason Coombs: Release.

[00:15:46] Jason Coombs: Hold.

[00:15:49] Jason Coombs: In.

[00:15:53] Jason Coombs: Hold.

[00:15:57] Jason Coombs: Release.

[00:16:01] Jason Coombs: Now I wanna hold for 30 seconds at the bottom. A big, huge breath. Fill up your lungs all the way to the top and hold for 30 seconds. Lease.

[00:17:27] Jason Coombs: So those are li these are little tips and tricks that when you're feeling like you're g get going sideways, then you can apply these little tools.

[00:17:37] Jason Coombs: And so you, you, the water in the morning, drinking water throughout the day, getting a little protein in, in the morning before you hit the caffeine or the coffee. It's always a good idea to set your system up for success before it starts running on caffeine. And then the box breathing is another one.

[00:17:58] Jason Coombs: Next week we're all gonna get into an ice bath for three minutes, so be ready for that. You're like, no way. No, thank you. That is one of my go-tos, but, , anyone that wants to do that challenge, I, I invite you to it, but I was kidding about next week. Okay.

[00:18:15] Jason Coombs: can you all see the importance of doing this work,

[00:18:20] Main: of going back

[00:18:21] Jason Coombs: to remember to,

[00:18:23] Main: because.

[00:18:24] Jason Coombs: when you think of what we're, what we're trying to do is to breed life and nourishment to that

[00:18:32] Main: five-year-old

[00:18:34] Jason Coombs: boy or girl that is spiritually anorexic.

[00:18:38] Jason Coombs: That's never grown up. That's never, ,

[00:18:40] Main: that's still in there.

[00:18:41] Jason Coombs: But it is forgotten.

[00:18:43] Main: and

[00:18:43] Jason Coombs: will alter how we.

[00:18:44] Main: we.

[00:18:45] Jason Coombs: How we

[00:18:46] Main: set boundaries

[00:18:47] Jason Coombs: will alter how we and influence, how we communicate, how we operate, how we love.

[00:18:54] Main: How

[00:18:54] Jason Coombs: show empathy, how we show tough love, how we stay off the beach. This is the emotional raincoat.

[00:19:00] Main: It's by

[00:19:01] Jason Coombs: recognizing that

[00:19:03] Main: we

[00:19:03] Jason Coombs: still hold our loved ones near and dear close to our hearts, and wrap the raincoat around us both. While the disease

[00:19:11] Main: is the storm and

[00:19:13] Jason Coombs: just drips right off. Now, a lot of the, the work that we do in,

[00:19:19] Main: in recovery is,

[00:19:21] Jason Coombs: , Based on a framework, which is, you all are all familiar with is the 12 step model. And the importance of weaving the 12 steps into the, , masterclass is that you get exposure and a, and a reminder of how it's so applicable to us as helpers, as family members. The first two steps are what, what we discussed last week, which is, you know, I'm, I'm powerless.

[00:19:51] Main: You know,

[00:19:52] Jason Coombs: admitted we were powerless over addiction or alcoholism or,

[00:19:56] Main: or,

[00:19:57] Jason Coombs: the chaos of someone's addiction

[00:20:00] Main: and

[00:20:00] Jason Coombs: and our lives become unmanageable. It's that ownership of like, okay, I can't do this alone. I need help.

[00:20:07] Main: Which is

[00:20:07] Jason Coombs: all of you are here investing in this experience is with that admission. And the second is there must

[00:20:15] Main: be. A power

[00:20:16] Jason Coombs: that I can access and that power, you know, it's coming to believe that a power greater than ourselves can restore us to

[00:20:24] Main: to sanity.

[00:20:25] Jason Coombs: , And how I interpret that is there is a

[00:20:28] Main: a pathway that will

[00:20:30] Jason Coombs: me get to the goal that I have.

[00:20:31] Main: I have.

[00:20:32] Jason Coombs: Then can do this. If I can, if I can rally around others, if I can lean into

[00:20:39] Main: Jason, I can lean into

[00:20:41] Jason Coombs: principles and unhooked. I can lean into Stacy and Francis. I can lean into this cohort, this community,

[00:20:48] Main: I can do this.

[00:20:49] Jason Coombs: And that right there is enough of a, of a power that's greater than doing it alone because I do know that,

[00:20:58] Main: that

[00:20:58] Jason Coombs: works among us and through us,

[00:21:01] Main: So today it's looking beyond two steps, three and four,

[00:21:07] Main: and how that,

[00:21:09] Jason Coombs: that relates to,

[00:21:10] Main: you know, making,

[00:21:12] Jason Coombs: making the

[00:21:14] Main: decision to surrender,

[00:21:16] Jason Coombs: making a decision to look deep within ourselves.

[00:21:20] Main: The cave we

[00:21:21] Jason Coombs: to enter holds the treasure we seek. So it's going in, going into the

[00:21:25] Main: the cave,

[00:21:26] Jason Coombs: the step three is just making the

[00:21:28] Main: the decision.

[00:21:28] Jason Coombs: not actually going in.

[00:21:30] Main: It's

[00:21:30] Jason Coombs: heard it said in early sobriety. It's like, if you have three

[00:21:34] Main: frogs on a log and

[00:21:36] Jason Coombs: one decides to jump in, how many do you have left on the

[00:21:39] Main: the log?

[00:21:40] Jason Coombs: And I was like, well, that's easy. Three minus one is two. I said, no, it's still three.

[00:21:46] Main: because the frog didn't jump. Just decided to

[00:21:50] Jason Coombs: still on the log.

[00:21:51] Main: And

[00:21:52] Jason Coombs: step three is just making a decision like, okay,

[00:21:55] Main: this morning,

[00:21:56] Jason Coombs: today, right now

[00:21:58] Main: I'm gonna turn

[00:21:59] Jason Coombs: my loved one over into the care of a power greater than

[00:22:04] Main: than

[00:22:04] Jason Coombs: me. I'm gonna turn

[00:22:06] Main: the addiction

[00:22:07] Jason Coombs: to a power greater than me.

[00:22:09] Main: And I am a firm believer that the prayers of my parents

[00:22:15] Jason Coombs: are what brought miracles into my life.

[00:22:18] Jason Coombs: It was when they stopped trying to, run my life. And they said, heavenly father,

[00:22:24] Main: this

[00:22:24] Jason Coombs: your

[00:22:25] Main: son. He is sick. We

[00:22:27] Jason Coombs: tried. We can't do this. Take him. Do what you do. Help us stay out of the

[00:22:32] Main: the way

[00:22:33] Jason Coombs: and let us know if there's anything we

[00:22:35] Main: we should do.

[00:22:36] Jason Coombs: And it was kind of that surrender. It was

[00:22:38] Main: was like, take him,

[00:22:39] Jason Coombs: he's your kid too.

[00:22:41] Main: And

[00:22:41] Jason Coombs: was a big decision for them

[00:22:43] Main: because then that

[00:22:45] Jason Coombs: they were released of all feeling the responsibility that they had to turn my life around. They had to change me.

[00:22:53] Main: And it's making a

[00:22:54] Main: a decision

[00:22:55] Jason Coombs: to turn.

[00:22:56] Main: it all over.

[00:22:58] Jason Coombs: To a loving father in heaven that is as mindful of the 6-year-old is. He is of you

[00:23:05] Main: and

[00:23:05] Jason Coombs: as mindful of her needs and your son's needs, and letting the natural consequences and the.

[00:23:11] Main: the.

[00:23:12] Jason Coombs: Like taking the long game perspective and view like, okay,

[00:23:17] Main: it

[00:23:17] Jason Coombs: right now, but this might be when the miracle happens. But if not, that's okay because it's in preparation. know, there will be a day in this life or the

[00:23:27] Main: the next where

[00:23:29] Jason Coombs: loved ones will be free. And I believe that they'll have to reconcile, of course,

[00:23:35] Main: with their,

[00:23:36] Jason Coombs: their creator. But with the, I, I, I'm so much more hopeful than, , a lot of the narratives I hear out there, like, they gotta figure it out. You know, they gotta change now or else they're going to hell. Like, I just don't buy in to that. I don't subscribe to that.

[00:23:51] Jason Coombs: I believe in a much more beautiful,

[00:23:54] Main: loving,

[00:23:55] Jason Coombs: long game that understands mental illness, that understands addiction, that understands shame, that understands abuse and trauma and all of the factors that play into what fuels the struggle that our loved ones are in. And that is the decision that we're making in step

[00:24:17] Main: three.

[00:24:17] Jason Coombs: And it's the making of the decision to go onto step four, which is entering the cave and looking at going in with

[00:24:27] Main: a big, huge

[00:24:28] Jason Coombs: flashlight, massive flashlight spotlight, and going deep into the cre, the crannies and the crevices where there are cobwebs and there's mold growing and it's dank and

[00:24:41] Main: and dark,

[00:24:44] Jason Coombs: and it's looking into ourselves and shining light those areas, maybe areas that have never seen the light of

[00:24:51] Main: of day

[00:24:52] Jason Coombs: in a long, long time.

[00:24:53] Jason Coombs: And our disease dies in the daylight.

[00:24:56] Main: Our

[00:24:57] Jason Coombs: struggles and pains dies in the daylight. It's the sickness that grows in secret. It is the sickness that grows in stress grows in, in these places that we're unaware of.

[00:25:08] Main: And

[00:25:09] Jason Coombs: what this week is all about.

[00:25:11] Participant: Now. So this is, this is the drama triangle. Okay. It was first named, named

[00:25:17] Main: by a psychologist.

[00:25:19] Jason Coombs: The drama triangle was first named by a psychologist named Steven Karpman in the

[00:25:26] Main: the 1960s.

[00:25:27] Jason Coombs: And once you see it, you can't unsee it, especially when you understand it. So three corners

[00:25:34] Main: and three roles.

[00:25:35] Jason Coombs: Every family touched by addiction lives somewhere on this triangle.

[00:25:40] Main: and

[00:25:41] Jason Coombs: I wanna walk you through each one. , Starting with the one on the top left, the rescuer, the

[00:25:47] Main: the rescuer, says, I will fix this.

[00:25:50] Jason Coombs: I will smooth it. I will anticipate the next crisis. So it doesn't happen. I will the bill, I will

[00:25:57] Main: write the email. I'll call the, the, your boss. I will

[00:26:01] Jason Coombs: cover the lie. I will

[00:26:04] Main: give

[00:26:04] Jason Coombs: the money. I'll give you the, the, I'll cook you the meal. ,

[00:26:08] Main: The rescuer

[00:26:09] Jason Coombs: looks like a

[00:26:10] Main: a hero. And the rescuer is exhausted.

[00:26:13] Jason Coombs: because heroism requires that the, the disaster

[00:26:18] Main: keep happening. So

[00:26:19] Jason Coombs: that in. Heroism requires that the disaster continues.

[00:26:25] Main: If you are the rescuer, your identity depends

[00:26:28] Jason Coombs: on the chaos continuing, you'll tell yourself you want it to end, you'll

[00:26:34] Main: pray for it to end and underneath. Some part of you

[00:26:37] Jason Coombs: will keep choosing situations that need rescuing that is the role you know how to play.

[00:26:42] Main: Now,

[00:26:43] Jason Coombs: not a moral failing,

[00:26:44] Main: it's a pattern.

[00:26:46] Jason Coombs: So this is, it's just as important to separate ourselves from the roles that we play, just like the two letters that we wrote, separating the disease from our loved one. This is separating our patterns from who we are, and the pattern can change once you see them. Then on the top right, we have the persecutor

[00:27:07] Main: and the persecutor says,

[00:27:09] Jason Coombs: how

[00:27:09] Main: could you do this to me? After

[00:27:12] Jason Coombs: I've done, after everything I've given

[00:27:14] Main: you are killing

[00:27:16] Jason Coombs: family. You're destroying

[00:27:18] Main: our marriage. You're destroying

[00:27:20] Jason Coombs: your life, you're destroying your kids. You are ruining your life, and

[00:27:25] Main: you're watching

[00:27:26] Jason Coombs: me grieve while you do it.

[00:27:28] Main: do it. You're doing this to me. The persecutor is critical in dominating and blaming

[00:27:35] Jason Coombs: and the persecutor, weaponizes love.

[00:27:38] Main: love. So think about that.

[00:27:39] Main: the

[00:27:39] Jason Coombs: persecutor, weaponizes love the words are usually true, but the energy's not. It. It's, it's shame. It's not love. It's shame. The persecutor leaves the room with the addicted loved one,

[00:27:54] Main: feeling smaller,

[00:27:56] Jason Coombs: not safer. And when an an addicted person feels smaller, that perpetuates using more, not less, because that is what the disease feeds on. It's like cancer feeds on sugar. Addiction feeds on shame,

[00:28:13] Main: And you may have been the,

[00:28:15] Jason Coombs: persecutor without knowing it.

[00:28:16] Main: most of us have the mark of it is not the volume

[00:28:21] Jason Coombs: your voice. The mark of it is what you leave behind when the conversation ends. Okay. So the bottom, the role

[00:28:30] Main: is the victim.

[00:28:31] Jason Coombs: Helpless dependent, self-pitying.

[00:28:34] Main: The victim says,

[00:28:36] Jason Coombs: I cannot. I'm too tired. Look at

[00:28:39] Main: what they've done to me. Look at

[00:28:42] Jason Coombs: I have lost. I'm the one who's suffering here. I cannot do one more thing. And the victim's pain is real. And

[00:28:53] Main: the victim's pain is also

[00:28:56] Jason Coombs: a position.

[00:28:58] Main: It's a pattern. It says,

[00:29:00] Jason Coombs: my suffering is the loudest thing in the room. So the responsibility for fixing it is not mine.

[00:29:06] Main: It

[00:29:07] Jason Coombs: to whoever caused it. It belongs to whoever is supposed to save me.

[00:29:11] Main: And

[00:29:11] Jason Coombs: victim refuses the work because the victim's identity has become the suffering. And oftentimes, it's easier to see this in other people than it is in ourselves.

[00:29:21] Main: And

[00:29:22] Jason Coombs: your suffering

[00:29:23] Main: is who you are, then

[00:29:25] Jason Coombs: feels like death. Think about it. If, if suffering is like a drug,

[00:29:31] Main: then why?

[00:29:32] Jason Coombs: Why would I want that to go away? Because that's

[00:29:34] Main: that, that's

[00:29:36] Jason Coombs: the pattern. That's, that's what's feeding Well, it's feeding all these other roles as well. So

[00:29:41] Main: here's

[00:29:42] Jason Coombs: nobody will tell you is you don't

[00:29:44] Main: pick one roll and stay in it. You vacillate and rotate through.

[00:29:50] Jason Coombs: start.

[00:29:51] Jason Coombs: You start in the morning,

[00:29:52] Main: , As the rescuer. You make the breakfast, you

[00:29:55] Jason Coombs: the lunch, you text the boss,

[00:29:57] Main: you hide the bottle, and by

[00:29:59] Jason Coombs: you've become the persecutor.

[00:30:01] Main: You snap at them

[00:30:02] Jason Coombs: across the kitchen or in a text message. You, you know, bring up everything that they've done. You list the betrayals. And it's

[00:30:10] Main: pointed.

[00:30:11] Jason Coombs: And by dinner you've collapsed into the victim and you're crying alone in your car in the driveway asking how you ended up here asking what you did to deserve this. All three. Same day, same person.

[00:30:26] Main: A pattern, not you a, but

[00:30:29] Jason Coombs: your pattern, and that's the drama triangle.

[00:30:32] Main: Can you see it?

[00:30:33] Jason Coombs: And if you're, , thinking, well, Jason, that's not

[00:30:35] Main: me. Just sit with

[00:30:36] Jason Coombs: for a minute and may instead of, instead of dismissing it,

[00:30:40] Main: ask the question,

[00:30:42] Jason Coombs: where might this show up in another relationship that I have? Maybe it's not with my addicted loved one. Maybe it's in my marriage. Maybe it's at work. Maybe it's with my boss. pattern exists in the workplace.

[00:30:56] Jason Coombs: This pattern exists

[00:30:58] Main: in

[00:30:58] Jason Coombs: lot of dynamics.

[00:30:59] Main: So awareness is the first step out, and you cannot leave,

[00:31:03] Jason Coombs: , The, the triangle or the cycle

[00:31:06] Main: if

[00:31:06] Jason Coombs: don't know you're standing in it.

[00:31:08] Main: Okay?

[00:31:08] Jason Coombs: So

[00:31:09] Main: where we

[00:31:10] Jason Coombs: go into the drama triangle page, there's three spaces where you'll have room to write and you will, and each one is for each role.

[00:31:21] Main: And what

[00:31:22] Jason Coombs: like to do right now. Is,

[00:31:25] Main: I wanna take a, a

[00:31:26] Jason Coombs: little vow of silence

[00:31:28] Main: because

[00:31:29] Jason Coombs: is a good time to, to take a vow.

[00:31:31] Jason Coombs: hopefully you all have a,

[00:31:33] Main: a pen handy or a,

[00:31:34] Jason Coombs: piece of paper handy.

[00:31:36] Jason Coombs: And you can just begin to write this out and list the rescuer,

[00:31:42] Main: the

[00:31:43] Jason Coombs: persecutor, and the victim. Okay?

[00:31:45] Main: Okay.

[00:31:46] Jason Coombs: And, and with your pen and your, your paper, I want you to write one specific moment from the past week in each role. And it's okay to sit with it. You don't have to have the answer right now. The idea is in the vow

[00:32:02] Main: you're seeking,

[00:32:03] Jason Coombs: it might come at minute nine, it might come later today.

[00:32:07] Jason Coombs: You might be reminded of it. The the idea is to seek and let it come to you. Don't force the memory,

[00:32:15] Main: but

[00:32:16] Jason Coombs: think of what specific moment in the past week did I play this specific role? Okay. Not I rescue him sometimes like the specific text message or the specific check he wrote or bill you paid, or the specific dinner that you cooked or the specific lie,

[00:32:39] Main: the moment

[00:32:40] Jason Coombs: when you stood in the kitchen

[00:32:42] Main: and

[00:32:42] Jason Coombs: were in that role. And it's okay. As I mentioned, if you cannot remember the moment for one of those roles.

[00:32:48] Main: It's, this is just information, so you

[00:32:51] Jason Coombs: wanna sit with it

[00:32:52] Main: and

[00:32:53] Jason Coombs: hopefully the, this is a question you'll ask yourself as a habit each and every day.

[00:33:00] Main: Where

[00:33:00] Jason Coombs: I playing

[00:33:01] Main: the rescuer

[00:33:02] Jason Coombs: in my life? Where am I playing the persecutor?

[00:33:04] Jason Coombs: Where am I playing the victim? Okay. If you can't see it in yourself, it's okay. Just sit with it. All right, so

[00:33:11] Main: and

[00:33:12] Jason Coombs: play a little meditation music.

[00:33:13] Main: I understand, yes, that that was the email that you sent out , but if the week two workbook wasn't included in that email, then yes, we do need to send that out to them. So I just have to make some decisions and we can clean it up later. , You just got out an email and text that they're all gonna get, if you could look at that. Stacy, just let me know if there's any changes and I can wait. Okay. I'm just gonna go ahead and send because I can go. , So everyone's getting that, I'm adding the bonus and that email and text too, that you didn't get Stacy, but I'm.

[00:35:13] Main: All Right everybody.

[00:35:14] Main: You

[00:35:15] Jason Coombs: May still be working.

[00:35:17] Main: On

[00:35:18] Jason Coombs: Your

[00:35:18] Main: your

[00:35:19] Jason Coombs: But more than anything, I hope it was nice to just reflect. And how often do you take time to reflect on these deeper questions?

[00:35:29] Main: If

[00:35:30] Jason Coombs: like me, it's not often because there is always something at my fingertips or there's something that I need to be doing. And vows of silence are the magic secret sauce to recovery. They're the secret sauce to living, unhooked and feeling, feeling the freedom that is available to all of us.

[00:35:54] Main: So

[00:35:54] Jason Coombs: remember that throughout the week.

[00:35:56] Jason Coombs: The

[00:35:56] Jason Coombs: goal here is to, for me, for someone who is expressing awareness like you just did,

[00:36:04] Main: my

[00:36:05] Jason Coombs: hope is to highlight progress in areas that you are, , doing things well.

[00:36:12] Main: If

[00:36:12] Jason Coombs: there's someone that I'm talking to that's completely oblivious to their role in any of it, and, and they're not willing to look at, .

[00:36:21] Main: Where

[00:36:21] Jason Coombs: they played into the dynamic, just in denial. Then I'm a little bit more direct of like, let me, let me help you see those

[00:36:28] Main: areas

[00:36:29] Jason Coombs: that you're contributing. So, so as I, as I hold this up to you, like your awareness

[00:36:36] Main: is. The goal,

[00:36:37] Jason Coombs: Your awareness is the destination. Your awareness is

[00:36:41] Main: the

[00:36:42] Jason Coombs: secret. It's not,

[00:36:44] Main: well,

[00:36:45] Jason Coombs: now that I'm aware, I need to figure out like the best way to handle that next time or like, those introspection I think are important. But the, those, those dynamics and conversations are going to come up all the time.

[00:36:58] Main: And

[00:36:59] Jason Coombs: you will, you will,

[00:37:01] Main: you

[00:37:01] Jason Coombs: will wonder

[00:37:03] Main: if

[00:37:04] Jason Coombs: you could have done that better.

[00:37:06] Jason Coombs: Could you have,

[00:37:07] ,

[00:37:07] Jason Coombs: Said that differently?

[00:37:08] Main: And

[00:37:09] Jason Coombs: that is the gift is just asking yourself the question, but not

[00:37:14] Main: beating

[00:37:15] Jason Coombs: yourself up for the way it actually happened. I live in a state of step 10, which is

[00:37:21] Main: promptly admitted when

[00:37:23] Jason Coombs: I'm wrong,

[00:37:24] Main: like

[00:37:24] Jason Coombs: promptly admitting when I'm wrong and.

[00:37:27] Main: And

[00:37:27] Jason Coombs: making amends as quickly as possible.

[00:37:29] Jason Coombs: If I am wrong, like if I, if I stepped on somebody's toes or if I said something to my wife or kids that wasn't kind

[00:37:37] Main: or,

[00:37:38] Jason Coombs: and, and, and so that reflection is the destination. It's not getting to a place where I'm doing all this perfectly because that is unrealistic and frankly, we'll never hit there. So the idea is like crossing the goldilock zone between the two extremes as often as possible.

[00:37:56] Jason Coombs: And the two extremes are, I'm completely oblivious to my part and I have no part in this. I'm not a rescuer, I'm not a persecutor, I'm not a victim. Like that doesn't apply to me,

[00:38:08] Main: which is

[00:38:08] Jason Coombs: one extreme. And the other extreme is I am all these things I suck. I don't, I need to

[00:38:15] Main: do

[00:38:15] Jason Coombs: so much better. Like I'm never going to, like, those two extremes are both really unhealthy and they're both prideful really. One of them's haughty pride, which is I'm,

[00:38:26] Main: you

[00:38:26] Jason Coombs: should raise a statue of me because I can do no wrong. And the other one is, I'm the worst. And I should, like, I'm less than the dust of the earth of blah, blah, blah. And

[00:38:37] Main: I

[00:38:37] Jason Coombs: have no, no good. Like both of them are prideful. One of them's perverse pride, one of them's haughty pride, and we're trying to get across that goldilock zone in the middle where it's like,

[00:38:47] Main: yeah,

[00:38:47] Jason Coombs: I have a lot of room for work.

[00:38:50] Jason Coombs: But

[00:38:50] Main: like,

[00:38:51] Jason Coombs: just, just the awareness is, is the goal. You guys,

[00:38:54] Participant: Trust is, is earned. It is an asset. It's not given out for free.

[00:38:59] Participant: , So it, it's, it's something that I think a characteristic often of, of those of us in

[00:39:05] Main: that,

[00:39:05] Jason Coombs: that have this, this disease. I'm not saying it's exclusive to the disease, but I do know it's a common trait, is entitlement. And,

[00:39:13] ,

[00:39:13] Jason Coombs: Which it really comes down to the bondage of self, right?

[00:39:16] Jason Coombs: Is being, being self-absorbed, self

[00:39:20] ,

[00:39:21] Jason Coombs: It's, it's all like, we can't see past ourselves when we're in our illness. And when we get into

[00:39:27] Main: recovery,

[00:39:29] Jason Coombs: oftentimes that's exacerbated, but it's like, it's all about us. And

[00:39:33] Main: they the

[00:39:34] Jason Coombs: hope is, is that, you know, it changes over time. So anyway, I just wanted to validate the entitlement that, , your loved ones may, may experience or that you experienced with them.

[00:39:45] Jason Coombs: when our boundaries are, , non-existent. Then we are left feeling manipulated.

[00:39:52] Main: We're

[00:39:53] Jason Coombs: fe , left feeling taken advantage of. And, , and that results in, you know, basically, ,

[00:40:00] Main: we're

[00:40:00] Jason Coombs: disturbed, we're we're frustrated.

[00:40:03] Main: Which, which can,

[00:40:05] Jason Coombs: can be like

[00:40:05] Main: a

[00:40:06] Jason Coombs: subtle like blend between Yeah. Victim. This is happening to me, but

[00:40:12] Main: it's

[00:40:13] Jason Coombs: like not looking at our part of, we didn't set the boundary. It's looking at

[00:40:19] Main: they're

[00:40:20] Jason Coombs: doing this

[00:40:21] Main: and

[00:40:22] Jason Coombs: how are they doing this to me? So it's, it's pointed. It's pointed at like, this is their fault.

[00:40:29] Main: Like

[00:40:29] Jason Coombs: this is, it's them. They're the reason I'm in the situation I'm in. Right. And that shows up maybe not in a direct, ,

[00:40:37] Main: comment

[00:40:37] Jason Coombs: to them where it's, you know, you, you got your,

[00:40:41] Main: your

[00:40:42] Jason Coombs: whip out and you're ready to tell 'em off.

[00:40:45] Jason Coombs: It's, it's more of a subtle, , perspective of, because of you, I'm in this situation

[00:40:51] Jason Coombs: And I'm pissed. You know, I'm pissed. I'm pissed that,

[00:40:55] Main: I

[00:40:55] Jason Coombs: don't have the life that I thought that I would have because of

[00:40:58] Main: you

[00:40:59] Jason Coombs: and because of the Right,

[00:41:01] Main: so,

[00:41:02] Jason Coombs: so can, it can sometimes be couched in, ,

[00:41:04] Main: victim,

[00:41:05] Jason Coombs: At least this is all

[00:41:07] Main: my

[00:41:07] Jason Coombs: opinion, my 2 cents.

[00:41:09] Jason Coombs: You can spend it how you want, but

[00:41:12] Main: that's

[00:41:12] Jason Coombs: how these roles, like, are so insidious and sneaky is that it, it can look

[00:41:21] Main: one

[00:41:21] Jason Coombs: way

[00:41:22] Main: and

[00:41:23] Jason Coombs: there's a layer that will

[00:41:25] Main: actually

[00:41:26] Jason Coombs: be all, all three rules sometimes at, at, at once. I know that that's a little bit

[00:41:31] Main: confusing,

[00:41:32] Jason Coombs: but,

[00:41:32] Main: This

[00:41:33] Jason Coombs: is an interesting, , another, another quote by Brene Brown that

[00:41:37] Main: is,

[00:41:38] Jason Coombs: is poignant and it relates to the triangle.

[00:41:41] Main: She

[00:41:42] Jason Coombs: says, daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others.

[00:41:52] Main: So

[00:41:52] Jason Coombs: you think about what that means, the,

[00:41:55] Main: the

[00:41:55] Jason Coombs: risk of disappointing others

[00:41:58] Main: by

[00:41:58] Jason Coombs: setting up our boundaries.

[00:42:00] Main: That

[00:42:01] Jason Coombs: leads into this drama triangle

[00:42:04] Main: that

[00:42:05] Jason Coombs: leads into,

[00:42:06] Main: because I

[00:42:07] Jason Coombs: I don't wanna disappoint them. I, I am going to do this for them. I'm going to,

[00:42:12] ,

[00:42:12] Jason Coombs: You know, the res, the rescuer role,

[00:42:15] Main: I'll

[00:42:15] Jason Coombs: do this for them,

[00:42:16] Main: but.

[00:42:17] Jason Coombs: but. There's subtle expectations that we put on them when we do something for them.

[00:42:24] Main: Like they

[00:42:25] Jason Coombs: didn't appreciate that I did that, or

[00:42:28] Main: they

[00:42:28] Jason Coombs: don't see

[00:42:29] Main: that I'm

[00:42:30] Jason Coombs: doing all this behind the scenes.

[00:42:32] Main: Like, how

[00:42:34] Jason Coombs: dare they take advantage of me? How dare they

[00:42:37] Main: take from

[00:42:39] Jason Coombs: me

[00:42:39] Main: like

[00:42:40] Main: this is,

[00:42:41] Jason Coombs: this

[00:42:41] Jason Coombs: is not cool. Like I could be

[00:42:44] Main: having

[00:42:44] Jason Coombs: a beautiful life if they weren't doing this to me.

[00:42:49] Main: And then

[00:42:50] Jason Coombs: it's like that, that'll slide into victim because

[00:42:53] Main: I

[00:42:53] Jason Coombs: love how you, you

[00:42:55] Main: Francis,

[00:42:56] Jason Coombs: held up.

[00:42:57] Main: Just

[00:42:58] Jason Coombs: the stigma or meaning that we attach to labels because victim is

[00:43:05] Main: one

[00:43:06] Jason Coombs: that I never want to be seen as. I don't ever wanna be seen as a victim.

[00:43:11] Main: Like

[00:43:12] Jason Coombs: I, so I can couch it in other symptoms and

[00:43:16] Main: other, faces

[00:43:18] Jason Coombs: of

[00:43:18] Jason Coombs: that victimhood. Which is interesting because I,

[00:43:21] Main: as

[00:43:22] Jason Coombs: I look back through

[00:43:24] Main: how

[00:43:24] Jason Coombs: the drama triangle showed up in my life, as my wife has been going through, her battle with cancer the last three years.

[00:43:32] Jason Coombs: it will

[00:43:33] Main: some,

[00:43:33] Jason Coombs: like my, my feelings,

[00:43:36] ,

[00:43:36] Jason Coombs: A victim

[00:43:37] Main: will

[00:43:37] Jason Coombs: sometimes manifest as bravado

[00:43:41] Main: that

[00:43:41] Jason Coombs: we got this, like, we're gonna beat

[00:43:44] Main: this

[00:43:45] Jason Coombs: thing.

[00:43:45] Jason Coombs: Like, or, or I'll chalk, chalk it off to spitting out some spiritual nomenclature. Like,

[00:43:53] Main: I,

[00:43:54] Jason Coombs: will just have the faith and we'll just, or I'll throw out, this is a one day at a time, and I just have these like recited

[00:44:01] Main: Words

[00:44:02] Jason Coombs: that will come through my mind, which on one hand that can be good. So I'm not saying it's good or bad, it's just

[00:44:10] Main: I'm

[00:44:11] Jason Coombs: aware,

[00:44:11] Main: which is

[00:44:12] Jason Coombs: good, like that I'm aware that I have these talk tracks and that I'll just say, oh, it's just one day at a time's never meant so much to me, or never, never had so much meaning in my life that,

[00:44:24] Main: but

[00:44:25] Jason Coombs: what I, what I'm really doing is I'm masking.

[00:44:28] Main: Because if

[00:44:29] Jason Coombs: I'm being real honest, like

[00:44:31] Main: cancer

[00:44:32] Jason Coombs: freaking sucks and it's,

[00:44:35] Main: it's

[00:44:35] Jason Coombs: really like altered my entire life

[00:44:38] Main: as it

[00:44:39] Jason Coombs: it has my wife

[00:44:40] Main: and

[00:44:41] Jason Coombs: seeing what it's doing to her and

[00:44:43] Main: like,

[00:44:44] Jason Coombs: you know, its so I can get into the same triangle in a different dynamic in my family. All while I'm trying to avoid a label or being attached to a label.

[00:44:55] Jason Coombs: So it was like being real honest with myself. It's like, where does the pattern show up? I don't have to own the label, but where does the pattern show up? Where does the pattern show up and manifest in these ways? And,

[00:45:05] Main: and

[00:45:06] Jason Coombs: that's, that's the gift is really looking

[00:45:09] Main: this is

[00:45:09] Jason Coombs: is the cave, this is the, these are the crannies in the cave.

[00:45:13] Jason Coombs: the, the little cracks where the mold is growing in, in my life and, and the, the cobwebs are because if I don't go in and look

[00:45:21] Main: like

[00:45:22] Jason Coombs: these are patterns that could continue to show up in all of my relationships,

[00:45:29] Main: and then

[00:45:30] Jason Coombs: I'm left disturbed, I'm left

[00:45:33] Main: frustrated,

[00:45:34] Jason Coombs: I'm left on this rollercoaster of the drama triangle

[00:45:38] Main: drama. Drama,

[00:45:40] Jason Coombs: which is, I'm never really present in my own skin because I'm constantly living in a soap opera

[00:45:45] Main: in

[00:45:45] Jason Coombs: my own brain and my own heart. Struggling to find

[00:45:49] Main: inspiration

[00:45:50] Jason Coombs: and struggling to find direction, and struggling to find peace and

[00:45:54] Main: and

[00:45:55] Jason Coombs: struggling to find my footing.

[00:45:58] Main: But

[00:45:58] Jason Coombs: when we're aware that we can slide into this, it's really empowering. it's this beautiful paradox of owning and being aware of, the liabilities

[00:46:11] Main: is

[00:46:11] Jason Coombs: where the strength is. Admitting the weakness is where the strength begins to be fed.

[00:46:17] Main: It's,

[00:46:18] Jason Coombs: it's the same coin, two sides, like my greatest weakness is also on the other side.

[00:46:25] Jason Coombs: My greatest strength.

[00:46:26] Main: my

[00:46:27] Jason Coombs: curse.

[00:46:28] Main: Chalk it

[00:46:29] Jason Coombs: it off to anxiety.

[00:46:30] Main: My

[00:46:31] Jason Coombs: curse of anxiety that I've had all my life on the other side of that coin is my greatest

[00:46:36] Main: superpower.

[00:46:38] Jason Coombs: Why? Because it propels me to take action. It propels me to do something. It propels me to exercise. It propels me to think about,

[00:46:47] Main: I'm

[00:46:48] Jason Coombs: not feeling okay. I need to do some prayer.

[00:46:50] Jason Coombs: I need to do some meditation. I need to do some service. I need to drink some water. I need to get some protein. I need to do some breathing, like propelling myself into good action and good habits. Without anxiety, I don't know if I would have these habits. Without anxiety, I don't, well, we wouldn't be here today, I'll tell you right now.

[00:47:09] Jason Coombs: 'cause I wouldn't have, I wouldn't have

[00:47:12] Main: written

[00:47:13] Jason Coombs: unhooked

[00:47:13] Main: my A

[00:47:14] Jason Coombs: A DHD. Same coin

[00:47:16] Main: Is

[00:47:17] Jason Coombs: a curse. Yes.

[00:47:19] Main: But

[00:47:19] Jason Coombs: as I've learned to embrace the superpower that it actually is

[00:47:24] Main: and

[00:47:24] Jason Coombs: flip that coin over, and then I'm able to really like, harness it and, and hone it in. And

[00:47:30] Main: That's the

[00:47:31] Jason Coombs: the other reason

[00:47:32] Main: why

[00:47:32] Jason Coombs: I, I really try to help us see the importance of embracing our super or our, our weaknesses and superpowers

[00:47:41] Main: by

[00:47:41] Jason Coombs: going into the cave and like looking at it.

[00:47:43] Jason Coombs: Because what, what treasure we're actually looking for

[00:47:47] Main: are

[00:47:47] Jason Coombs: are our strengths. We go in looking for our

[00:47:50] Main: liabilities.

[00:47:52] Jason Coombs: We go in looking for our patterns. We go in looking for our weaknesses.

[00:47:56] Main: and

[00:47:57] Jason Coombs: what we discover

[00:47:58] Main: Is

[00:47:59] Jason Coombs: on the other side of that coin is unlocked greatness and potential and superpower. And that isn't a trite,

[00:48:07] Main: Fluffy

[00:48:08] Jason Coombs: comment.

[00:48:08] Jason Coombs: That is, that is my experience and that is what I

[00:48:11] Main: believe

[00:48:12] Jason Coombs: to my core. That's why we do inventory. That is why this week's assignment as we wrap up this week's upcoming assignment is designed to invite you into that cave looking for

[00:48:27] Main: the

[00:48:27] Jason Coombs: mold,

[00:48:28] Main: the

[00:48:28] Jason Coombs: cobwebs, the patterns, but do not go in with a club

[00:48:34] Main: that

[00:48:34] Jason Coombs: you're going to use to beat yourself up. Go in with.

[00:48:39] Main: Eyes

[00:48:40] Jason Coombs: open

[00:48:41] Main: to

[00:48:41] Jason Coombs: just look at the facts, find the facts, look at the facts,

[00:48:46] Main: embrace the

[00:48:47] Jason Coombs: facts. And then

[00:48:48] Main: what we'll

[00:48:49] Jason Coombs: do with that is going to result in

[00:48:52] Main: you

[00:48:52] Jason Coombs: being set free

[00:48:53] Main: because

[00:48:54] Jason Coombs: then you'll, you like, those are gurus to where your unlocked potential is

[00:49:00] Main: as you discover

[00:49:01] Jason Coombs: where you are. Weak where you, where you struggle, where, when you discover your

[00:49:08] Main: character

[00:49:09] Jason Coombs: defects, as we call them in recovery,

[00:49:11] Main: and on the

[00:49:12] Jason Coombs: the other side of those coins are your character assets.

[00:49:15] Jason Coombs: And I believe that as we

[00:49:17] Main: grow

[00:49:18] Jason Coombs: older, this is a life per, , pursuit of unlocking,

[00:49:23] Main: identifying

[00:49:25] Jason Coombs: and developing our God-given gifts. And not one of us has arrived at

[00:49:30] Main: identifying

[00:49:31] Jason Coombs: all of them

[00:49:32] Main: and

[00:49:33] Jason Coombs: unlocked all of them. And have developed all of them like the, each one of us have some that are still in there that we don't even know are there.

[00:49:42] Main: And

[00:49:43] Jason Coombs: this work

[00:49:44] Main: over and over and over

[00:49:46] Jason Coombs: doing this work over and over

[00:49:48] Jason Coombs: is

[00:49:48] Main: the

[00:49:49] Jason Coombs: quest,

[00:49:50] Jason Coombs: it's the search for the treasure,

[00:49:52] Main: and

[00:49:52] Jason Coombs: it's always the cave that we fear to enter that holds the treasure we seek.

[00:49:57] Main: And so

[00:49:57] Jason Coombs: that's why the fear is the guru. It's like

[00:50:00] Main: the

[00:50:00] Jason Coombs: denial is the guru. It's the the

[00:50:03] Main: asking

[00:50:04] Jason Coombs: like of these three roles, which one do I

[00:50:07] Main: not

[00:50:08] Jason Coombs: see in myself?

[00:50:09] Main: Okay,

[00:50:10] Jason Coombs: it's the persecutor. Okay, that's the guru. That's where I need to go and do some more looking because it's likely

[00:50:19] Main: going to

[00:50:19] Jason Coombs: to point me to

[00:50:21] Main: the

[00:50:21] Jason Coombs: treasure that I'm seeking that's going to help me with the rescuing and the victim.

[00:50:26] Jason Coombs: this is where, where we're gonna go in this next week. So there are a couple things I wanna make sure I touch on as we lead into the upcoming week.

[00:50:36] Main: The

[00:50:37] Jason Coombs: first one is I'm gonna invite you to take a personal experiment.

[00:50:43] Jason Coombs: what I'd like you to do is pick one.

[00:50:46] Main: Is one

[00:50:47] Jason Coombs: thing that you're dependent on. Maybe that's,

[00:50:50] Main: maybe

[00:50:51] Jason Coombs: for you it's Diet Coke.

[00:50:53] Main: Maybe

[00:50:54] Jason Coombs: it's coffee, maybe it's,

[00:50:58] ,

[00:50:58] Jason Coombs: Yelling. Maybe it's

[00:51:00] Main: something else.

[00:51:01] Jason Coombs: And

[00:51:02] Main: I'm gonna

[00:51:03] Jason Coombs: challenge you

[00:51:04] Main: for

[00:51:05] Jason Coombs: seven days

[00:51:06] Main: to

[00:51:06] Jason Coombs: give it up.

[00:51:07] Main: Is it

[00:51:07] Jason Coombs: it sugar?

[00:51:08] Main: Is it

[00:51:09] Jason Coombs: caffeine?

[00:51:10] Main: Some of

[00:51:11] Jason Coombs: of you are already starting to get it.

[00:51:14] Main: Just

[00:51:15] Jason Coombs: the thought of giving up something you're probably going through.

[00:51:20] Main: Ooh, I

[00:51:21] Jason Coombs: I should give that one up, but nope.

[00:51:23] Main: , Let

[00:51:23] Jason Coombs: let me find something easier,

[00:51:24] Main: right?

[00:51:25] Jason Coombs: We we're already going through that.

[00:51:26] Main: It's

[00:51:27] Jason Coombs: like, okay, pick one thing you rely on

[00:51:30] Main: a daily

[00:51:31] Jason Coombs: soda morning coffee or bone in bed at night,

[00:51:35] Main: scrolling.

[00:51:36] Jason Coombs: Maybe it's sugar after dinner.

[00:51:38] Main: The snooze

[00:51:39] Jason Coombs: button, something you reach for without thinking something that if I asked you to give up for seven days would make you flinch a little. Now. Starting today,

[00:51:51] Main: give it

[00:51:51] Jason Coombs: it up

[00:51:52] Main: for

[00:51:52] Jason Coombs: seven days

[00:51:53] Main: and

[00:51:54] Jason Coombs: and that is the whole assignment.

[00:51:55] Main: And then

[00:51:56] Jason Coombs: then I want you to write down your reflections on the experiment,

[00:52:00] Main: okay? Because I'm

[00:52:01] Jason Coombs: I'm asking you to do this for a reason.

[00:52:03] Main: 'cause you cannot

[00:52:04] Jason Coombs: fully understand what your loved one is up against until you have tried in your own body to say no to something that does not seem like a big deal.

[00:52:14] Main: The

[00:52:14] Jason Coombs: bargaining you will do with yourself

[00:52:16] Main: that you

[00:52:17] Jason Coombs: already probably are in your brain like, I really should give up sugar, but, , no.

[00:52:22] Main: Nope,

[00:52:23] Jason Coombs: not that one.

[00:52:23] Main: The

[00:52:24] Jason Coombs: deals that you will try to cut

[00:52:26] Main: the

[00:52:27] Jason Coombs: way your brain will rationalize the slip.

[00:52:30] Main: The

[00:52:31] Jason Coombs: shame that shows

[00:52:32] Main: when you give in.

[00:52:34] Jason Coombs: All of it is information

[00:52:36] Main: and

[00:52:37] Jason Coombs: all of it is a window into the world your loved one lives in every single day.

[00:52:43] Main: So

[00:52:43] Jason Coombs: pick your thing

[00:52:44] Main: and tell yourself

[00:52:46] Jason Coombs: the start time

[00:52:47] Main: and

[00:52:48] Jason Coombs: begin.

[00:52:48] Main: And

[00:52:49] Jason Coombs: And in the workbook you'll write down

[00:52:51] Main: what the thing is

[00:52:52] Jason Coombs: is that you're giving up for seven days,

[00:52:54] Main: the

[00:52:55] Jason Coombs: start time and the date. Okay. And then I want, I want you to track what you notice. Don't wait until the end of it, like throughout the journey is, is the idea.

[00:53:07] Jason Coombs: So in the workbook you'll be able to write down like, what is it

[00:53:11] Main: that you

[00:53:11] Jason Coombs: you craved? When did you bargain? What? What were some of the healthier things that you replaced it with? Or at least tried to. Okay.

[00:53:23] Main: My question is, are

[00:53:24] Jason Coombs: are you willing

[00:53:25] Main: to

[00:53:25] Jason Coombs: do the very thing that we are hoping our addicted loved ones are willing to do? Gets real.

[00:53:31] Main: Okay, so

[00:53:31] Jason Coombs: so that's the first assignment, which is probably the hardest one.

[00:53:35] Main: The second one is.

[00:53:37] Jason Coombs: You will, if you haven't already received it, you will receive

[00:53:41] Main: a.

[00:53:42] Jason Coombs: Supplemental,

[00:53:44] Main: Step

[00:53:44] Jason Coombs: four workbook.

[00:53:46] Jason Coombs: now.

[00:53:46] Main: This

[00:53:47] Jason Coombs: one's gonna take a little work every day,

[00:53:50] Main: Okay? But I'll

[00:53:51] Jason Coombs: I'll tell you that this is the work, this is the answer to the thing that you're giving up.

[00:53:57] Main: So

[00:53:57] Jason Coombs: instead of just trying to white knuckle it for seven days, what I will promise you that

[00:54:02] Main: is,

[00:54:03] Jason Coombs: if you dive into the work

[00:54:04] Main: and you

[00:54:05] Jason Coombs: you start to put your attention on not the thing that you

[00:54:07] Main: gave up or

[00:54:09] Jason Coombs: quitting for seven days, but you dive into the work,

[00:54:12] Main: you will

[00:54:13] Jason Coombs: will find protection

[00:54:15] Main: and you

[00:54:15] Jason Coombs: you will find freedom, and you'll find strength beyond your own.

[00:54:18] Main: Okay?

[00:54:19] Jason Coombs: Okay? This is a little microcosm of what,

[00:54:22] ,

[00:54:22] Jason Coombs: We, we do when we work with someone with an addiction as they dive into the work. It's amazing what happens to their cravings.

[00:54:29] Jason Coombs: you will be going into

[00:54:32] Main: The

[00:54:32] Jason Coombs: the roles on a deeper level,

[00:54:35] Main: including you'll

[00:54:37] Jason Coombs: be looking at some of the ego defense mechanisms

[00:54:41] Main: that will

[00:54:41] Jason Coombs: will give you more awareness

[00:54:43] Main: and

[00:54:44] Jason Coombs: reflection time.

[00:54:45] Main: And

[00:54:46] Jason Coombs: remember, the entire

[00:54:48] Main: of

[00:54:49] Jason Coombs: of this worksheet

[00:54:50] Main: is to

[00:54:52] Jason Coombs: gain awareness, to find the facts, to face the facts,

[00:54:55] Main: and do

[00:54:57] Jason Coombs: not beat yourself up over the facts. This is just

[00:55:00] Main: you promise, or

[00:55:01] Jason Coombs: or I promise you that if you'll just trust me

[00:55:04] Main: that

[00:55:05] Jason Coombs: bringing all this stuff up

[00:55:07] Main: might

[00:55:07] Jason Coombs: might unsettle you a little bit. It might bring, bring up,

[00:55:11] ,

[00:55:11] Jason Coombs: Some things for you and that's okay.

[00:55:13] Main: You might

[00:55:14] Jason Coombs: might even get restless, irritable discontent. You might even get a little ornery. That's okay.

[00:55:20] Main: That's

[00:55:20] Jason Coombs: kind of the point,

[00:55:22] Main: is

[00:55:23] Jason Coombs: gaining awareness. As you go in and look at these things,

[00:55:26] Main: you'll

[00:55:27] Jason Coombs: begin to recognize that the power that,

[00:55:31] ,

[00:55:31] Jason Coombs: The addiction has had over you

[00:55:33] Main: is

[00:55:34] Jason Coombs: going to lessen

[00:55:35] Main: as

[00:55:36] Jason Coombs: you get more and more into your own recovery work and deeper self-inventory and family patterns and personal patterns.

[00:55:46] Main: So

[00:55:46] Jason Coombs: you'll get to look at

[00:55:48] Main: where

[00:55:49] Jason Coombs: you're in denial. Where do you use minimization?

[00:55:52] Main: Where do

[00:55:52] Jason Coombs: do you use rationalization?

[00:55:55] Main: Where do

[00:55:55] Jason Coombs: do you project?

[00:55:57] Main: Where do

[00:55:57] Jason Coombs: do you use spiritualization?

[00:55:59] Main: You know, which

[00:56:00] Jason Coombs: defense do you use most? So this will walk you through, , step by step,

[00:56:04] ,

[00:56:04] Jason Coombs: Like patterns and, and taking an inventory. Okay.

[00:56:09] Jason Coombs: And that's the work this week.

[00:56:11] Main: Make

[00:56:12] Jason Coombs: this your number one priority, and I promise it that if you, ,

[00:56:16] Main: it

[00:56:16] Jason Coombs: it will bless all of the other areas in your life that you are juggling. Okay? So place your recovery first. This is the very thing that I'm asking, your addicted loved ones, if they're in our, our care or

[00:56:29] Main: if they

[00:56:30] Jason Coombs: they become in my world, I will ask them to

[00:56:33] Main: put their

[00:56:34] Jason Coombs: recovery first and they're like, but I have to work, or I have to

[00:56:39] Main: Coach my

[00:56:40] Jason Coombs: my kids games,

[00:56:42] Jason Coombs: or I have to this, or I have to that.

[00:56:44] Jason Coombs: And I always just ask right now, this is a season

[00:56:48] Main: where

[00:56:48] Jason Coombs: it's okay for you to give your families and yourself the best gift you could possibly give them, which is putting this first. And trust me, all the other areas in your life will be blessed

[00:56:59] Main: in

[00:56:59] Jason Coombs: time.

[00:57:00] Main: Because

[00:57:01] Jason Coombs: this is the kind of work nobody pauses to do

[00:57:03] Main: in the

[00:57:04] Jason Coombs: the day to day, to day to day,

[00:57:06] Main: and

[00:57:06] Jason Coombs: that's why

[00:57:07] Main: this is

[00:57:08] Jason Coombs: is such a gift.

[00:57:09] Main: Like addiction

[00:57:10] Jason Coombs: can be such a gift because if it points us to the work that sets us free where we can reinvent ourselves and start a new chapter and write a new story for our lives,

[00:57:20] Main: like

[00:57:20] Jason Coombs: without the addiction, we would've never had a reason to do this work.

[00:57:24] Main: So

[00:57:25] Jason Coombs: Trust the process

[00:57:27] Main: ​