Finding Your Center in Chaos

Searching for calm in a world that feels like it's spinning out of control? Author Ellen Seigel offers a refreshing antidote to our collective anxiety with her five-step approach to finding peace amid chaos.

Ellen joins the SheSweet Society to share the deeply personal journey that led to her book "Be Happy No Matter What." From a childhood where she felt unseen by her family to her fascinating writing process—collecting wisdom on index cards for fifteen years until they naturally arranged themselves into chapters—her story resonates with anyone who's ever felt adrift in uncertain times.

What distinguishes Ellen's approach is her revolutionary definition of peace: the ability to hold opposing energies in our consciousness simultaneously. Rather than seeing the world in black and white terms, she suggests that true contentment comes from embracing duality and finding comfort in the space between extremes. This perspective feels particularly vital in our politically charged climate where divisiveness often reigns supreme.

The conversation explores profound questions about permanence, purpose, and the nature of happiness. Ellen suggests we're all students and teachers for each other in life's "schoolhouse," transforming how we might view difficult relationships—as opportunities for growth rather than obstacles to happiness. Her gentle wisdom reminds us that while our physical presence may be temporary, the core of who we are remains permanent.

Most powerfully, Ellen emphasizes that the key to happiness resides within each of us. Her book doesn't offer external solutions but rather helps readers access their own inner wisdom. Through intentional breathing, meditation, and other practices outlined in her five steps, we can create an internal anchor that steadies us during life's inevitable storms.

Discover why Ellen's message feels less like a luxury and more like a necessity in these tumultuous times. Listen now to learn practical tools that can transform anxiety into calm and uncertainty into clarity. Your journey to being happy—no matter what—begins here.

Transcript

Speaker 1 0:12

Welcome to the she Sweet Society. In a world that sometimes feels like it's spinning faster than we can keep up with, today's episode is your invitation to slow down, breathe and find your center. I'm thrilled to welcome Ellen Siegel, the brilliant mind behind the transformative book Be Happy no Matter what available on Amazon. Ellen has crafted a powerful five-step approach to finding peace amid chaos, something we could all use a little more of right now, wouldn't you agree? In our politically charged climate, where opinions divide and anxieties run high, ellen's wisdom offers a lighthouse for those feelings lost in the storm.

Ellen's Journey to Self-Discovery

Speaker 1 0:47

Today, we'll dive into meditation practices, breathing techniques and life-changing methodologies that can help you remain grounded when everything around you feels uncertain. Whether you're a seasoned meditator or someone who thinks finding your zen means locating a lost remote control, ellen's practical approach makes inner peace accessible to everyone. So settle in, take a deep breath with me right now yes, actually take one and prepare to discover how you truly can be happy, no matter what life throws your way. Please welcome to the SheSweet Society, ellen Siegel. I just want everybody to hear your story about how you came to write this book. What inspired you to help people, and in this manner? Right?

Speaker 2 1:32

I would say the impetus to work on myself, which I think as a child, even though I knew my parents loved me, I really didn't feel respected. They weren't ever really talking to me. And my father, he made a pretty big deal out of respect your mother, because I probably wasn't very respectful, because we sort of had the. This wasn't a diagnosis in the old days, but I would call it a personality clash, whatever that was. And so I think in growing up I didn't feel so good. I didn't feel so good and I actually had a moment where I was looking out my bedroom window one day, up into the sky, and said this can't be my real family, because they're not talking to me.

Speaker 2 2:29

And my mother had an aunt, so this is a great aunt. She seemed ancient when I was small, aunt Sophie, and I only saw her about twice a year and she would always come down to make eye contact with me and she would ask me how are you, ellen? And even though I couldn't answer, I knew that she was talking to me. Later I found out she was a second grade school teacher, so she knew how to do that. So this was a mystery to me, mystery to me. And then, growing up, I always thought sort of the opposite of what people were telling me, or I just had this idea. I didn't get it. I just didn't get what was going on. And then, somehow, I don't know, through high school I had some good experiences and there were some teachers who sort of banned my flame, so to speak. And then when I got into college I somehow realized that I don't know, I was sort of developed an ability to sort of reflect myself.

Speaker 1 3:40

And did you feel like you were almost looking at yourself from the outside? You could almost transcend like that and just watch your life happen in some cases and just feel.

Speaker 2 3:52

I think that that was a part of it and I wasn't really conscious of that and that that's what was happening. And I think this happens for a lot of people and maybe they don't know what to do with it. Think this happens for a lot of people and maybe they don't know what to do with it. Or we're all on a path of finding our way, also trying to make sense out of things that do not look like they make sense I think I mentioned that in the book whereas children we're trying to which connecting the dots, and I've learned a lot through witnessing my grandson's freedom to speak, his thought processes, so that's been interesting too, but anyway. So when it looked like I was not going to be a home economics teacher because of all the math that was involved, the head of the home economics which I loved home ec. But the head of the home ec department said well, you like working with families, why don't you do a master's in something to do with that?

Speaker 2 4:52

So, through a million details that are not pertinent here, I went into social work and the first thing I encountered in the first class, the professor said I want you all to think about, I want you to share what brings you to this work, and no matter what anyone shared, whether it was. I want to be helpful, I want to learn, whatever it was. I want to do service. Whatever the teacher said no, the reason you're here is to heal yourself. So, whoever we were in that class, we got it, and so that really started this idea of looking inside and seeing and outside what can help me do that. So I'd say that's how it started. And then what happened was, any time a phrase or a thought resonated with me or stimulated me or gave me the next step in my own path, I write it on an index card.

Speaker 2 5:58

Oh I love that, and what happened was after about 10 years of collecting these index cards.

The Creation of "Be Happy No Matter What"

Speaker 2 6:06

Gosh how many index cards? Did you have A lot of index cards? I would lay them out on the floor and I always had this idea I'm supposed to write a book, I don't know. So I'd lay these cards out on the floor and I'd say these thoughts are supposed to come together, but I can't see how they come together. So probably I did that after five years, after 10 years, in the 15th year I laid them out and I went oh, this is a no brainer and it was like a deck of cards. Oh, this goes in this pile. And then each pile had an order to it and I'm going to tell you that this book is those piles. Each thing made a chapter.

Speaker 1 6:53

Each sentence was one after another oh my gosh, you wrote it all on index cards wow, um, that was never heard of that method before.

Speaker 2 7:03

I don't know. Is that? I don't know what that is? I've got a million little pieces of paper everywhere with notes on them. I don't know what that's going to write index cards. So look in the making, you never know.

Speaker 2 7:16

So that's really how this came about and then I had it. I had to put myself through several business programs, and one was something called eWomen Network, an organization of women's business owners, and through there I met a teacher. I'll say her name, lisa Nichols, and she had written a book no Matter what, and her book was about a lot of challenging experiences in her life and how she persevered. And I don't know. It just occurred to me happy, no matter what. And I did have a writing coach who helped me actually do it.

Speaker 2 7:57

I had the manuscript and everything, but I did seek the help of a writing coach and I said how can I have a book happy, no matter what? There's a million books with happiness in the title. And she said, oh, there need to be 10 or 15 new books on happiness every year, she said. And also, each one has a unique. The way each person puts it together is unique. So she said it's never going to go out of date. I said, oh, this appeals to me, so I did that. That's how it came about, and it's sort of what made sense out of all the teachings I had exposed myself to. So one thought is that I don't think there's anything new in this. What's new or unique is the way it's put together, and we put things together with unique twists.

Speaker 1 8:54

What I think is unique is how it's put together, but also what's selected to be in here. Maybe some of these might not necessarily be brand new, but it is brand new to someone, and especially the way that you think about you can tell your personality is all through this book too, which is what's so fun.

Speaker 2 9:14

You know me so well.

Speaker 1 9:17

So I can see the personality through the whole book and I just it. For me it adds flavor to the whole thing that already is full of flavor book, and I just it. For me it adds flavor to the whole thing that already is full of flavor. But you do a very unique thing in how you help somebody learn how to be happy, no matter what. I wish you not that you could, you shouldn't have said how to be happy no matter what, but a lot of it is literally how you teach people the steps of how and you at the very end you tie in little bits and pieces but at the end you explain why you pursued all this and I just think that is so beautiful. And the self-care piece is something I think a lot of people are embracing or starting to realize they need to, especially now with the craziness that seems to be happening every day. It's been. I would have thought after COVID hit that there would be a calm.

Speaker 1 10:10

There should be some sort of calm, but really it's never. That feels like a very peak moment in history. That just keeps on peaking, and so your book is way more relevant now than ever.

Speaker 2 10:23

You just said something that deserves to be written down A weak moment that keeps on peaking, but you're positive.

Living in a Chaotic World

Speaker 1 10:35

This is insanity, but also reality, and I'm wondering. There's a few different schools of thought out there right now on how to manage your day-to-day. You have some people turning off the news altogether. If you just don't see it, then it's not there, it's not happening or won't impact them. You have some people that regularly watch it, keep a pulse on what's going on, but then get dragged down by their feelings around it. Then you have others that know what's going on but just walk around and don't care. What's your take on why there's so many different ways are receiving this? Knowing there's this much help out there, knowing you have your book out there, knowing we have these conferences that people go to, knowing there's enough of us I call us lightworkers out there helping to raise and elevate people, what's your take on that? Who are you asking for? The people that are going to listen to this podcast are the people that are seeking community. They're seeking community of women who will end up being like-minded, because that's just how this works.

Speaker 2 11:45

I think, without being stereotypical, just based on focus, that women have a leg up. Women have a leg up because of a predominance of self-acceptance of sensitivity self-acceptance of sensitivity. I think men have sensitivity but it's not acceptable and they've internalized that they should shun that. So, for women who are listening to this, and any sensitive men, because we've crossed paths with those men, we've raised them, isn't that the truth? And we come upon different people, organizers of different conferences, things like that. So this idea, so I got this. I don't know what propelled me several years ago to take an improv class. I don't know what. And what I got, which I'd known but I didn't internalize, was this concept of yes and oh, I've heard of that.

Speaker 2 12:52

And in an improv situation, you have actors or whatever you call them, comedians, whatever and someone feeds that, and I did this. So someone feeds you a line and my first impulse is like what? That's ridiculous. And we were taught that when someone feeds you a line, to develop a yes, and then your natural creativity comes in and then you're moving the story along and you give that line to the next person and it's very freeing and inclusive of things that look like they should not go together. So this is a thought to aim toward.

Speaker 2 13:37

If we don't have, it is that we're in a world of duality good and bad, light and dark, up and down, liking and disliking and somehow the next thought that I'm going to share can be used to alleviate the angst and distress of things that look like they're fighting against each other, and this thought is that somehow we have the ability to hold both energies in our consciousness and be okay with it. Now, you know, I don't know that that's being taught all over the place. So, as we who are bringing light in it's breaking down previous structures that are very limiting and confining, and you could say well, how could this opinion and its opposite be in the same consciousness or ballpark. If a person strives to that, and that's not in the the be happy book, it's almost like this is beyond being happy. No matter what this is, it's the definition of peace. Oh, that's the definition of peace.

Yes, And: Holding Opposing Energies

Speaker 1 15:08

I literally wrote that down polarities versus peace but is it really versus? I think you just defined peace. That's really amazing. So that's how they all can sit in the same space, and I know people like you and people like me. We can have conversations and not hold any angst or anger or whatnot with people that feel or think very differently from us. There, of course, are certain topics that'll get us razzed, but at the end of the day, we're able to sit down with it and still see the human behind it all and still relate on a human level. And that is what we're here to do to bring about that type of peace, I think.

Speaker 2 15:52

So a way to look at the world today is energies coming together, bringing out things for people to be contemplating and thinking're talking about how impatient we are as a humanity. That's good, I want to say. It behooves us as intelligent life forms that we recognize to wait some things out, that things look. There's a thing I remember when trained in therapy to let a client know listen things could feel much worse before they get better. To let them know that in the process that they're signing up for it takes a long time to get in this situation. So it may take a while to get out of it. And different people looking at the world today is what. You could be on this side and say, oh my God, we're never getting out of it. You could be on that side where you're never going to get out of it. This is a contribution to evolution, I don't know. And there's always that concern that as a people, as a humanity, as a civilization, we might destroy ourselves and we might About how you feel about that.

Speaker 1 17:25

We all know in, not even a hundred years, but we'll go with a hundred years, none of us will be here, maybe we won't even be remembered Right when we are right now. And for a lot of us, I don't know if I feel comfortable making that assumption for everybody. For myself, and I'm wondering for you too I'm comfortable with that. I'm okay knowing that in a hundred years no one's going to know who Delia was. They don't need to. That's not what I'm here for. It's not what I think a lot of us are here for. If we could come to that standing that we are part of a collective, as a society, yourself as a singular person, play a role in how all of us what you said, collectively, we're evolving. But I find that most people aren't comfortable with that fact that their impermanence on this world is what creates this lack of patience, is what creates the greed, is what creates this level of corruption that we're seeing. What do you think about that? I feel like it's ultimately that. But what do you think about that?

Speaker 2 18:35

Well, here's an angle, and that is I have no idea if this is true, other than what resonates with me that I'm a spark of life inhabiting this perishable vehicle. And I do. I'm a big mind over matter person. We'll see, as I practice it, what comes of it? That our minds, if and when we can have clarity and lots of people would debate what that is can affect the health of this vehicle. Yes, it's long lasting. It regenerates all the time. The cells are always regenerating and when we've read that we take on this mantle of aging and accept that, oh, deterioration and death, well, I don't know. It doesn't mean the body's not going to perish, but you might be able to live longer, and I don't know.

Speaker 2 19:43

There's different philosophies. One of us has enormous value in the network of the collective and it's not that long ago a teacher I studied with was very emphatic that we take on the position that any bit of our personal growth contributes to the growth of the collective. And there's tons of people I'm thinking all the people in AA and all the anonymous programs. Millions of people are contributing in one way or another. Those of us who are conscious and working on ourselves and know that we can grow from being a victim. I think we've all been victims. Little children in the best situations are much smaller than the adults and it's very intimidating when an adult raises their voice.

Speaker 1 21:04

It's very intimidating. Adult race is their voice. It's very intimidating. It's so intimidating that even when you grow up it's still jarring, it gets to you. Yes, Certain, certain scenes in movies will even, or, or TV, or any of it will elude or get that feeling to come out of you. I have a question If you're a part not saying you are, but if one was a part of the philosophy of it is a schoolhouse, wouldn't it also be fair to say that, yes, you are a student, but in every schoolhouse there's also a teacher. So who's the teacher we are? Are we Not like just you and just in general people? No, I think for each other.

Speaker 2 21:43

We are that. I like this idea. There was a little book it was a big book called the Little Soul and the Sun. Did I tell you about this book? No, this is what I remember about it.

Finding Meaning in Life's Lessons

Speaker 2 21:54

So, whether a person believes in divinity or not all these examples because some people get offended if they don't believe, which is great. So it doesn't matter if you believe or not. Just take the message of the metaphor and use it for yourself. That way, this is for everyone. So they're up in heaven.

Speaker 2 22:20

A little soul says to God I want to go to earth to learn about love, over and over and over and over. God says what do you need to go down to earth to learn about love? It's everything's love up here in heaven. I want to go. So God says well, listen, if you go to earth, the way you learn about love is through the opposite. And the little soul says oh, I still want to go. So God says to the little soul so you got to pick a friend who's going to go down with you. And so the little soul finds a friend who agrees to go down, and the friend says listen, I'm going to do this for you because I love you and when we're down there and I'm in the role of your abusive father, you need to remember who I am. And this, supposedly, is a children's book. Parents are reading this book.

Speaker 1 23:10

Is it French? I'm just kidding.

Speaker 2 23:13

So, the point being that I like this thought I have no idea if it's true, but I use it and it really propels my growth, which is really what I'm interested in and I'll tell you what the outcome I'm looking for is but that we've all agreed on another plane somewhere, as sparks of life, that we're going to come to earth and help each other, be the teachers and the students. And sometimes it helps, when a person's having a lot of angst in their relationship with their parents, to hear this thought well, what if you waited on a long line to come in as the child of that parent and that parent waited on a long line to come in and have you as their child because the lessons you wanted to learn sort of match? And that can be useful where you can use that thought to relieve emotional pain in yourself. And you can also use that thought to let go, because when you've learned your lesson, you can let go of the angst.

Speaker 1 24:26

Yep. So you have to learn it, you have to live it.

Speaker 2 24:30

And it also helps people when they're thinking, oh, what's the meaning of life? I don't see any meaning in life. Well, if you take this lens and try it on, it actually gives meaning to everything. And then we've read things about us being the creator of our lives and that enables us to change things. And oh, but I wanted to say something about the reason that I'm so passionate. Isn't the word so interested in, I'll say, my own growth is for relief from pain. So in a lot of communities, self-care is taking time off, going on vacation, making sure you get a lunch hour, eating slowly, relaxing, learning how to relax all those things. My favorite one is what would I like to change? How would I like to be and to get help if you need to do that and be more flexible.

Speaker 1 25:41

I like that. One of the things you talked about is still being you, but just looking at you, but also having oh. I don't want to, I don't want to ruin the words, I'm going to find what you were. Then it's the new you, but old you is still there, like you. You yourself, at the core, are not different, but it's oh there. It is how I'm different and how I'm the same. You're still the same, ellen. You're just healed. You're just out of pain in certain areas. Is that fair to say?

Speaker 2 26:16

Yes, and you had said something earlier about a lot of people being upset with the impermanence of themselves, when actually the core of oneself, I think, is permanent.

Speaker 1 26:30

Core is permanent. The core of themselves on this planet may not be.

Speaker 2 26:36

Yes, well, that's and I think that what you're saying like core, even that has a different octave the lower octave, the core that we experience here. That's so difficult to change, and you know, and then I like this idea of octaves because as we, as our thinking, gets more discerning, you know, some people say, oh, that happens with maturity, that happens with time, it also happens with conscious cultivation. You can cultivate your discernment and once you have the awareness that you see things black and white, you know, and also here's a tip off If you're complaining that other people see things as black and white and you don't like that, that just means you still have a little of that left over.

Speaker 1 27:30

Yeah.

Speaker 2 27:31

You know so you can work to. You know. Reflect.

The Power Within Each of Us

Speaker 1 27:37

Oh, I love that, but what advice would you give? What's just one piece of advice that somebody's listening to this could take internalize from words of wisdom from Ellen. What would you give as your your piece of advice?

Speaker 2 27:52

This is going to sound really, I don't know, I don't want to judge it. I'd say get this book and put yourself through it, that's all. And I can tell you. You know what do I make three bucks from Amazon? I don't care, I do not care. You know what do I make Three bucks from Amazon? I don't care, I do not care.

Speaker 2 28:11

Get the these five steps. Position you to listen to the wisdom inside of you and there's nothing better than that. And it's, and that part is free, and it goes on. And on your whole life. And if you read the book a few times, or you read it with a friend and something you had said early on the way of reading the book, the book even is laid out in a way that says oh, you know, put the book down for a little while now, or, you know, take a breath. You know, or practice this, think it over. I mean, and there's some exercises in here. You do not have to do any of the exercises and I'm going to say to you you really don't need to read beyond the five steps. The last couple of chapters are you know how, how it played out in my life, but you don't even need to read that.

Speaker 1 29:08

Just fun. That's the fun part. That's those of us that love to know what life is like for other people.

Speaker 2 29:19

Okay, then do that, then do that. But for those of you who don't somebody I gave the book to says oh, I don't like to read, I said there's hardly any words in this book.

Speaker 1 29:32

Would I be able to spread out these five steps? Um, before I had even met you, I had gone to a conference where they did these five steps in the conference and it was beyond transformative and it it was what pulled me out and, arguably, is what woke me up from the depths of trauma and grief that I was experiencing. And, yeah, so I am very much a fan of these five steps. Right, great, I'm so glad that you wrote this book, because not everybody can afford to go to those types of conferences. It was very expensive. Um, I don't know how if you can't, but everybody should be able to learn how to pull themselves out of that spot, and you are the only one that can do that and you so graciously wrote this book that helps people do that. So I really appreciate that. Ellen, thank you so much.

Speaker 2 30:35

Well, thanks for this opportunity to have this fun and talk with your listeners. And it's really, it's within each one of us. It is that power.

Speaker 1 30:50

And there we have it she Sweet Society. What an illuminating conversation with Ellen Siegel, author of Be Happy, no Matter what. In these tumultuous times when headlines can trigger anxiety and uncertainty seems to be the only constant, ellen's five steps to finding peace feel less like luxury and more like necessity. From the power of intentional breathing to the transformative practice of meditation, we've explored practical tools that can anchor us during life's inevitable storms. I hope you're walking away from today's episode with something tangible to try, perhaps a new breathing technique for your morning commute. Remember that finding peace isn't about escaping reality, but rather about creating a solid foundation from which you can engage with it more effectively. Ellen, thank you for sharing your wisdom, your methodologies and your light with our community today. For everyone listening who wants to dive deeper, remember that Be Happy, no Matter what is available on Amazon. Until next time, she Sweet Society, may you find moments of peace in each day, breathe through the challenges and remember that your happiness isn't dependent on circumstances. It's a practice you cultivate from within.