The Rosie and Roula Show

230: When Self-Awareness Becomes a Trap: Overthinking, Self-Blame & Taking Action

• Roula Abou Haidar and Rosie Burrows

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0:00 | 17:28

What if self-awareness isn’t helping you — but quietly keeping you stuck?

This episode starts as a joke and turns into a very uncomfortable truth. When does self-awareness stop helping and start holding us back?

In this episode of The Rosie & Roula Show, Rosie and Roula experiment with flipping their usual communication styles — and uncover how self-awareness can quietly turn into overthinking, self-criticism, and emotional paralysis.

What begins as playful role-reversal quickly becomes a raw conversation about self-blame, reflection vs rumination, fear of judgment, and taking responsibility without getting stuck in your head.

They explore:

The difference between healthy self-reflection and overthinking

When asking questions helps — and when it becomes avoidance

Self-blame vs accountability

Why blaming others can feel powerful (but doesn’t last)

Fear of being misunderstood vs fear of hurting others

How curiosity can support growth or stop action entirely

This episode is for anyone who feels emotionally aware but still stuck, constantly analysing instead of moving forward.

🎙️ Honest, funny, uncomfortable — and deeply human.

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Rosie (00:00)
if you go to the right hand side, there should be an arrow and you should be able to see.

what I'm using. Can you see it? Yeah. Anyway, fuck it. I'm sweaty now. That's all right.

Roula (00:06)
⁓ yeah yeah yeah all right ⁓ wasted almost 15 minutes me too

Rosie (00:28)
⁓ I want to mix things up today. So ⁓ if you're game, I know you don't like surprises for a while.

Roula (00:29)
you

Alright.

in our conversations I'm good with it.

Rosie (00:41)
So I.

Okay, cool. So we both have to be willing to do this because I think it's going to make us uncomfortable. So I have been reflecting on sort of what I'm like in the podcast and what my avatar is, who we both are. And I think you tell me if I'm wrong. I think I'm always asking questions during the conversation and I'm always going, maybe it's this I'm being like.

really curious and not committing to one particular thing and just not giving a direct statement. Whereas you are much better at going, no, it's this Rosie bam. So this time I want you to be like me. You need to ask lots of questions. You need to be really like, like Rosie. And I am only allowed to make statements. I'm not allowed to ask you any questions. I'm not going to allow to say, think maybe I'm not allowed to do any of that. has to be a statement.

Do think we can do it? Yes. Yes, yes, yes. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I have a topic. So I think I'm already saying, I think, but I think it needs to be a topic that usually I would want to ask questions. Okay. So this is the topic I'm thinking of unless you've thought you can think of a better one. So the topic would be when self-awareness becomes a trap.

Roula (01:41)
Do we have a topic? Because I can't ask questions without a topic.

Can you tell me more? I don't understand the question.

Rosie (02:13)
Have we started role playing yet? Okay. You don't know. I think we should. Yes. Yes. A statement. Sorry. Yes. When self-awareness becomes a trap ruler, we are focusing too much on being self-aware and asking ourselves questions and it becomes bullshit because we're not actually taking action. That's the topic.

Roula (02:17)
I don't know, do you think we should start roleplaying?

So tell me, when do you feel you're going into self-awareness mode?

Rosie (02:50)
I think.

Whenever something goes wrong, I'm always asking myself questions and reflecting. It's usually when something goes wrong, very rarely when something goes right.

Roula (03:07)
What kind of question you ask yourself?

Rosie (03:09)
⁓ This smells so...

We're not good at being okay. Okay. What kind of questions do I ask myself? What? This is good, but don't you find it's it's me. I feel like I'm not talking enough. Okay. What was your question again? I just asked a question. Okay. ⁓ what do I say? ⁓ why did you do this, Rosie? You could have done better. It was your fault. If you did this, you could have avoided it. You're so stupid.

Roula (03:18)
genuinely asking the question. So maybe it has to do with me asking good questions.

Is this self-awareness? Or is this something else?

Rosie (03:47)
Yeah, probably not. That's pink. That's probably not

self-awareness.

Roula (03:55)
I think these questions will help you understand.

Rosie (03:55)
This is falling apart and I can't make any any explanations. Yeah, I think they will. All right.

Continue.

Roula (04:03)
Do you consider these kinds of questions self-awareness or something else? And if something else, what is that?

Rosie (04:13)
Very self-deprecating. It's very self-deprecating, so I know that those questions actually, that is not self-awareness. Self-awareness could be, see, I'm starting to get curious and rosifying this now. Rosifying. It's not it could be. I have to make a very confident statement. ⁓

Roula (04:13)
You can repeat your...

Rosie (04:36)
We're making this a short episode by the way because I'm finding this so difficult. ⁓ my god! ⁓

Roula (04:38)
I hope so, if you're laughing like 90 % of it. I missed hearing you laughing like this. I'm enjoying this. Is this a

statement? Oh fudge. I'm saying fudge for not saying fuck. I don't know, this is so, yeah, fuck. Okay.

Rosie (04:52)
Well, I guess you're allowed to fudge. Yeah, what the hell? That's not me. You have to swear lots. So self and awareness

questions would be. What could I do better next time? Why am I feeling this way about it? What actions could I take next time? To improve it. What could I do now to move forward and stop ruminating on it?

Roula (05:20)
Now that you gave me these questions and the ones before, which one made you feel better?

Rosie (05:20)
was about to ask a question.

Roula (05:32)
Which kind of questions I mean.

Rosie (05:32)
I'm having just...

choking on my water here. The questions that make me feel better are probably the ones about looking forward and how I can improve things moving forward rather than looking backwards. I am great at looking backwards and going over things moving forwards. Not so much.

Roula (05:52)
Why are you using the

word are probably the ones? What's making you unsure? You brought this on yourself.

Rosie (05:56)
I was meant to, I wasn't meant to say a problem because this, this

is how I talk. I'm non-committal. I know the ones helping me move forward are the ones that make me feel better. End of no explanation. That's it. That's my answer. Next.

Roula (06:13)
And what makes

you feel better? To blame yourself or to find a solution?

Rosie (06:17)
no.

Blame the other person.

Roula (06:22)
Blaming other person? Is this what you said? That makes you feel better? On a long run?

Rosie (06:29)
In the moment it makes me feel better. In the long run, the other option. Not blaming myself. The other one.

Roula (06:33)
Okay, okay, no, seriously, I really

want to take this one and depict it with you in questions. So you said you will feel better when you blame the other person.

Rosie (06:45)
Yeah.

Roula (06:46)
Are you really truly honestly telling me you will feel better blaming the other person? So where's your self-awareness in this part?

Rosie (06:57)
like this conversation.

You're right. Blaming the other person, it makes me feel better in the short term. That is not self-awareness, blaming the other person, because it's always a two-way street.

Roula (07:08)
Can you

describe how do you feel better by blaming the other person? Can you describe what happens with your body and your brain? Can you describe that? How does it look like to feel better blaming other person?

Rosie (07:18)
Mm-hmm.

I'm having to think so hard because I usually speak as I think, but I need statements. I've already forgotten what you asked me. What was it? I actually forgot.

Roula (07:37)
You forgot.

Okay, I'm not going to give a statement. was also about to give a statement. I asked you, can you describe what happens in your brain, in your body, your sensations when you because you said you feel better when you blame the other person? How does this feeling better sound and feel in your body and your brain?

Rosie (07:46)
⁓

Uh-huh.

I feel powerful and angry and I've got adrenaline and I feel assertive and I go, fuck you. I'm not blaming myself. You're an asshole and that's the end of it. So I feel very powerful.

Roula (08:10)
And when you reflect on your self-awareness, do you also take in your self-awareness reflecting on the other person's

or only your behavior.

Rosie (08:26)
Usually only my behavior, usually.

Roula (08:30)
Do you think this is sufficient?

Rosie (08:32)
Yes, definitely. I think it's not, think it is important for me to reflect on myself, but it's equally as important to look at the other side because if you only blame yourself or you only blame the other person, that's not really reflecting, is it?

You're not looking at all the evidence. No.

Roula (08:54)
And it's self-reflecting only blame. can,

okay, tell me more. What can it entail? Is that correct word? Entail?

Rosie (09:02)
Yeah,

yeah. It's not only blame. Self-reflecting is asking questions which I'm not allowed to do right now. It's asking questions and leading with curiosity. That's what it is.

Roula (09:18)
So what are you curious about when you lead with curiosity?

Rosie (09:24)
what actions led to this outcome. Both my actions, their actions. Some things are in my control, some things are not, and recognizing both sides.

Roula (09:38)
And what is in your control? Or maybe better question, what's not in your control?

Rosie (09:44)
What's not in my control? How the other person well, I'm getting reflective. I'm getting reflective and curious again. I'm making a strong statement. And Roula I've forgotten what you said. I'm not even kidding because I'm trying, I'm focusing so hard on talking in a different way. How do you do this? I don't, I don't understand. Can we? Yeah.

Roula (10:00)
Yay.

same time, I

do you okay, I was just about to give a statement to which I should not. Do you think you're a person who overthink her behavior?

Rosie (10:18)
Yes! I think I'm demonstrating

that right now. Probably. Yes, I mean, yes, not probably, yes.

Roula (10:27)
But when you say probably, why you're saying probably, where is your doubt in the yes or the no?

Rosie (10:33)
I'm non-committal

because someone might say, well, no, Rosie, if you consider this and I go, oh, shit. So if I'm totally committed to an answer, I feel like there's no room to change my mind.

Roula (10:47)
You mean in the behavior and in the actions?

Rosie (10:52)
yeah.

That too. I was talking about how I speak, but yes, in the actions too. Yeah.

Roula (11:03)
What do you think will happen if you change your mind?

Rosie (11:08)
Other people will have opinions about that, opinions about that, and I might not like those opinions. I'll be judged.

Roula (11:16)
who said

because you think your opinion you will like your opinion no matter what they think

Rosie (11:27)
Put that in

Roula (11:27)
Is your opinion?

Do you think your raw opinion is more likeable than being flexible?

Rosie (11:42)
I want to be seen as someone who was open-minded and I don't want to be locked in to a particular point of view just because I said it once, because I changed my mind a lot. So how I act, how I speak, and this is hard right now because I'm talking in absolutes, but I'm committing to this process, is more speculative because I'm hedging my bets.

I can't, you've pulled out a notebook. Are you actually writing something down? I can't tell if you're pretending or not.

Roula (12:17)
Hmm. Hmm.

Rosie (12:18)
Are you my therapist right now?

Roula (12:22)
These are your thoughts in your head.

Rosie (12:26)
So Roula's just drawn this big like cyclone scribble on her book. Yep, exactly.

Roula (12:31)
Because

I forgot what question I wanted to ask you. Or is this my brain? Yeah.

Rosie (12:34)
You

⁓ Both of ours. This has been interesting. Very interesting.

How have you found it? Just asking lots and lots of questions. We're obviously exaggerating what each of us do. Obviously I do make statements sometimes and you do ask questions. Definitely. But I think we, yeah. How have you found it?

Roula (13:00)
you know, in asking questions, what I feel, am I allowed not to give statements or okay. Okay. So in asking questions, I don't want, I want to be clear in my question and assertive and logical. And my fear is to be direct and confronting and hurtful.

Rosie (13:07)
Yeah, we can be normal now.

Mm.

No way!

I did not expect that.

Roula (13:30)
Yes, because I do have experience myself and someone asking me questions to help me reflect on my behavior, but then it went all wrong because the questions were, ⁓ I could say, confronting to the point they hurt me.

Rosie (13:32)
Wow.

Mm. Yeah.

Yeah. Wow. And so you don't want to do that to somebody else. So you're very perhaps do you overthink the questions you could ask because you don't want to. Wow. Yeah. Yeah.

Roula (14:00)
Yes, because I also have my bias. I have my own judgmental

thoughts on whatever you're telling me. And I have to be careful not to let them come out of my mouth.

Rosie (14:10)
It's like

We

almost have the same fear, but for the different things. You have it about questions and I have it about statements.

Roula (14:24)
Yes!

The difference...

Rosie (14:29)
⁓

Roula (14:32)
⁓ is that my fear in asking this question is hurting the person who's supposed to be reflecting. Your fear in giving this statement is being misunderstood.

Rosie (14:41)
Mm-hmm.

True. Misunderstood, yes, because misunderstood and perceived in a negative way. And I also don't want to shut down the other person by giving such a polar opposite statement that they feel they then can't share their opinion. But I think the danger in that is it could come across that I don't have an opinion at all. Maybe. Yeah.

Roula (14:49)
Can you build on this?

Or you can't be yourself.

Or I can be myself. But what is it to be ourselves? That's another topic, I guess.

Rosie (15:19)
God. ⁓ fuck.

expecting this episode to just be a bit of fun and banter but holy dooly there's been a lot of self-reflection for me in this and I have learnt something about you.

Roula (15:40)
It was fun for me because I haven't heard you laughing this much in such a long time.

Rosie (15:40)
which I didn't expect. This is true. It's

been fun. We're going to mix it up more. So listeners, if you made it this far, thank you so much. ⁓ yeah, I don't know what to say. I'm, I'm in my head right now because there's been a lot of things to think about this episode.

Roula (15:49)
Yes.

Thank you for listening to our experiment. If we don't experiment, we don't know where we're going with whatever we do.

Rosie (16:03)
Yes!

True.

Experimenting is good. Buy us a coffee. It's a statement. Buy us a coffee. Thank you. Bye.

Roula (16:10)
Thanks for listening. ⁓

can you repeat? I keep talking through you.

Rosie (16:19)
Roll up. Listeners, buy us a coffee. Thank you. Bye.

Ha ha ha!